Men Jokes

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Funniest Men Jokes

Funny Men Jokes
Score: 15130

Two men are drinking in a bar They pull out the sandwiches their wives had lovingly prepared and tuck in.

The bartender comes over and says "you can't eat your own food in here"

So they swapped sandwiches.

Score: 15099

To the women who say "Men are only interested in one thing" Have you ever considered being more interesting?

Score: 11445

You know there's no official training for garbage men? They just pick it up as they go along.

Score: 10633

There are 3 men on a boat and 4 cigarettes, they don't have a lighter, how do they smoke? they toss one cigarette over board to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

Score: 10213

Caitlyn Jenner becomes a super hero but doesn’t know what group to join... She’s still deciding whether to be an Ex-men or a Trans-former

Score: 9390

My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up.

Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

Score: 9229

Why are all Jewish men circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not 10% off

Score: 8270

A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?" The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."

Score: 3837

I came across 6 men beating up my mother in law. My wife asked "aren't you going to help?" I said no. Six should be enough.

Score: 3553

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?" The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

"Yeah that's the one"

Score: 3259

Why are women and children always the first ones to get evacuated on a emergency situation ? So men may think on a solution in silence

Score: 3003

Caitlin Jenner just signed a deal with Marvel. She is going to be in the new Ex-Men film.

Score: 2722

When wearing a bikini,women reveal 90% of their body When wearing a bikini,women reveal 90% of their body....men are so polite they only look at the covered parts

Score: 2701

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? One, because men can be feminists too.

Score: 2571

Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.


Edit:
This got a lot more upvotes than i expected.

Score: 2569

Why do women have cleaner minds than men? Because they change theirs more often

Score: 2418

If men call short women "petite", what do women call short men? "friends"

Score: 2257

The bartender said we don't serve time travellers. Two men walk into a bar.

Score: 2194

Scaring men is easy I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is..

Score: 2069

My seatmate on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?”

“Yes,” she said, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.”

Score: 2005

If Caitlyn Jenner were a super hero, what team would she be on? The Ex-Men.

Score: 1924

Why did Obama get two terms? Because black men always get a longer sentence

Score: 1888

Why don't men in the Middle East smoke weed? Only women get stoned.

Score: 1841

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb? No one knows. They never get to keep the house.

Edit: Thanks for all the awesome comments. I can't keep up!

Score: 1749

I have a degree in men's studies. It's called "world history".

Score: 1722

A bikini is an outfit where 90% of a woman's body is exposed. The amazing fact is that men are so decent, they only look at the 10% that isn't.

Score: 1669

I saw two blind men fighting And I yelled out "I'm rooting for the one with the knife"

Then they both ran away

Score: 1665

I just asked my husband I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.

Score: 1638

Old rich white men selecting strong young black men to work on their fields? I'm not sure about this NFL draft thing.

Score: 1604

I heard a statistic that there are more men named David in charge of companies than there are women. Well obviously. How many women do you know named David?

Score: 987

Two men are on a boat. They have three cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Score: 531

Why are old men given Viagra in the nursing home? So they don't roll out of bed

Score: 266

A black guy and a white guy each drink 3 beers at a bar, who pays the bill? They each pay for their own because men aren’t complicated

Score: 54

What do Rudolph and your mom have in common? They'll both let fat men with eight bucks ride behind them.

Score: 39

Today I played chess with some old men in the park. It was hard to round up 32 of them.

Score: 33

What did the homeless men yell when they hit each other with cardboard? Pillow fight!

Score: 32

Two Men Were Hunting Buffalo One put his ear to the ground

He lifted his head up and said "Buffalo come"

The other said "How do you know?"

He said "ear sticky"

Score: 30

We're told men with large feet have large dicks and men with big cars have small dicks You would almost think these stereotypes were conceived by clowns.

Score: 29

How do the Greeks separate boys from men? With a crowbar.

Score: 26

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New Men Jokes

So two men are out in the Artic The first man calls the ambulance

“Help I think my friend died of hypothermia! What do I do?”

“Don’t worry sir. First you are going have to make sure he is dead”

*Gunshots*

“Ok so now what”

Score: 4

Which repair men are best at keeping secrets? I hear quantum mechanics are pretty discrete.

Score: 2

The Female Parking Misconception Men should stop giving out about women parking far too close to the kerb. This wouldn't have happened if they hadn't constantly lied to women about how long 8 inches look like.

Score: 5

Why do middle age men like golf They're good at finishing in few strokes

Score: 5

2 men are talking about going to the pub. - I am telling you, this is the best place in town.

- Okay, how long to go there and back?

- 60 minutes.

- Is it that far?

-No, it's 10 minutes away, only coming back is the tricky part.

Score: 3

According to women, men dont have feelings But that's just not true at all, we sometimes feel hungry and thirsty.

Score: 6

The real reason men want to keep the word “Mankind” and not change to “Humankind” isn’t because of sexism They just don’t want to have to write or type 2 extra letters that weren’t there before.

Score: 2

What does Cardi B and the ocean have in common? Both are filled with trash, and may knock men out.

Score: 3

The gender stereotype for men is really harsh We are expected to be swift as a coursing river

Score: 10

Wemen are absolutely amazing! Hard working, strong, independent, and gets any work done! Edit: We men*

Score: 4

Why do French men enjoy the Wisconsin country side? They love that Dairy Air!

Score: 3

What do you call 2 men with no arms and no legs hanging above your window? Curt n’ Rod

Score: 4

What do you call a physical therapist who believes men are superior? A massage-inist

Score: 4

Sir Issac Newton died a virgin, so I'm already doing better than one of the smartest men who ever lived. I'm still alive.

Score: 3

Why is pregnancy not the worst pain known to man? Because men don't give birth.

Score: 2

Aaron Hernandez's lawyers had him looking forward to prison. The told him it would be just like playing football again and that he would still have a lot of large men opening holes for him.

Score: 3

Three men were on a boat with four cigarettes but no lighter. So they tossed one overboard and the whole boat became a cigarette lighter

Score: 4

What do you call a team of transgender superheroes? The Ex-men

Score: 10

What do all Amish women want? 2 men a night

Score: 2

She said she likes men who are foresighted. So I drank a liter of pineapple juice.

Score: 3

I asked my girlfriend if I was the only one she slept with Yes of course... why do men keep asking the same question

Score: 2

With the threat of diabetes fat people have their own battles to fight... Men have lost legs in Nam, other men by ham.

Score: 2

A girl once told me it always seems like men share one brain. I couldn’t think of a good comeback since it wasn’t my turn to use the brain.

Score: 5

In Greek culture what is the one traditional way they separate the men from the boys? They use a crowbar.

Score: 7

My grandpa doesn’t want me to work long term on a submarine He says 100 men go down and six months later they come back with 50 couples.

Score: 2

Why did the homebuilder bring 6 bimbos to his job site? None of his men could find a stud.

Score: 3

How are the Bermuda Triangle and my wife related? They both swallow sea men.

Score: 4

Two old men were discussing a new hearing aid... Merle: Boy I tell ya! This new hearing aid is a miracle. Haven’t heard this good in 30’years!

Herm: that’s great! What kind is it?

Merle: 10:30

Score: 5

Three men are talking about cars. The first man says, “I’m an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn.”


The second man says, “Well, I’m a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort.”


The third man says, “I have the both of you beat. I’m a proctologist, so I drive a brown probe.”

Score: 6

Yesterday I heard a woman shouting on the street toward her boyfriend "All men are dogs" An old man popped his head out of the window and replied,

##"Who told you to try them all??"

Score: 22

What do Wolverine and Caitlyn Jenner have in common? They're both Ex-Men

Score: 11

How many white men does it take to change a lightbulb One

Score: 2

Two men are in the desert and they see a third man fishing. The first man says to the other: “Look at that idiot fishing in the desert.”
The second man replies: “That’s none of our business, just keep rowing.”

Score: 7

A normal prostitute doesn't keep track of the men she's slept with. It's the thot that counts.

Score: 2

3 men are on a boat. They have 4 cigarettes, but no lighter or matches. How do they managed to light their cigarettes? They throw the 4th cigarette over board so that the boat is now a cigarette lighter.

Score: 9

I treat my men like I treat my bitcoin Pump and Dump

Score: 3

3 elderly men are sitting next to each other on a park bench The first says, “It’s windy today.”

The second says, “No it’s Thursday.”

The third says, “I’m thirsty, too. Lets get a beer.”

Score: 2

The gender pay gap is mostly caused by the types of professions that men and women go into Men are more likely to be doctors, lawyers, or engineers.

Women are more likely to be female doctors, female lawyers, or female engineers.

Score: 5

Two men from Texas are having a conversation... The first man asks the second man "Imagine being in the same room with all of the people you've slept with." The second man responds with "I don't have to imagine, I do that every thanksgiving."

Score: 14

What do ugly women and old men have in common? They both have difficulty getting an erection.

Score: 3

What do old men wake up to? A morning wouldn't.

Score: 18

Why is Bangkok so safe? Because there are so many Ex-Men

Score: 2

Two men are arguing loudly. A robot approaches and says "May I be of assistance?" One man turns to it and says *back off pal, this is an organic matter!"

Score: 7

What do you call a meeting of short sickly Irish men Leper Con

Score: 2

I asked a friend whether old men wear briefs or boxers. He said depends.

Score: 4

Two elderly men in a bar... ...one pipes up and asks his mate
"as we get older would you prefer Parkinsons or Alzheimers?"

Second man replies "Parkinsons, it will be bad enough spilling half my pint, never mind forgetting where I left it!"

Score: 8

Why did the dumb blonde have a bruise near her belly button? Because blonde men are dumb too.

Score: 2

How many Chinese men does it take to make a Smartphone? I dunno, ask the Kids.

Score: 11

Why can't women explain feminism to men? Because they need a man to do it for them

Score: 4

Why are there no men's studies classes? World history already exists

Score: 3

Two old men are sitting on a park bench in the summer... One turns to the other and says "it's nice out isn't it?"

The other replies "yes, I think I'll take mine out too"

Score: 2

If Caitlyn Jenner was a super hero, what team would she be in? The X-Men

Score: 17

A white girl met a black guy in the club. He took her home and then she asked him, "Show me if it's true what they say about black men."

So he stabbed her and stole her purse.

Score: 12

Why won't skinny girls date fat men? They get jealous when the boyfriend has a better rack than they do.

Score: 2

How many men does it take to get an Amish woman pregnant? Two men a nite.

Score: 9

Did you know 60% of all Asian men have Cataracks? The other 40% drive Mitsubishis.

Score: 18

There is a dog in the front yard licking himself. Two old men sitting on the front porch. There is a dog in the front yard that is licking himself.

First man, "I wish I could do that."

Second man, "That dog would bite you!"

Score: 4

[Original] This is the only time of year... .... that it's acceptable for middle-aged men to cruise around town looking for Girl Scouts.

Score: 5

Why don't old men eat out their old wives? Have you ever tried to pull apart a grilled cheese?

Score: 9

What do you call 6 White men Sitting on a bench? The NBA

Score: 3

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