Hilarious Men Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Men Jokes

Score: 15130

Two men are drinking in a bar They pull out the sandwiches their wives had lovingly prepared and tuck in.

The bartender comes over and says "you can't eat your own food in here"

So they swapped sandwiches.

Score: 15099

To the women who say "Men are only interested in one thing" Have you ever considered being more interesting?

Score: 11445

You know there's no official training for garbage men? They just pick it up as they go along.

Score: 10633

There are 3 men on a boat and 4 cigarettes, they don't have a lighter, how do they smoke? they toss one cigarette over board to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

Score: 10213

Caitlyn Jenner becomes a super hero but doesn’t know what group to join... She’s still deciding whether to be an Ex-men or a Trans-former

Score: 9390

My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up.

Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

Score: 9229

Why are all Jewish men circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not 10% off

Score: 8270

A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?" The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."

Score: 3837

I came across 6 men beating up my mother in law. My wife asked "aren't you going to help?" I said no. Six should be enough.

Score: 3553

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?" The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

"Yeah that's the one"

Score: 3259

Why are women and children always the first ones to get evacuated on a emergency situation ? So men may think on a solution in silence

Score: 3003

Caitlin Jenner just signed a deal with Marvel. She is going to be in the new Ex-Men film.

Score: 2722

When wearing a bikini,women reveal 90% of their body When wearing a bikini,women reveal 90% of their body....men are so polite they only look at the covered parts

Score: 2701

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? One, because men can be feminists too.

Score: 2571

Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Edit:
This got a lot more upvotes than i expected.

Score: 2569

Why do women have cleaner minds than men? Because they change theirs more often

Score: 2418

If men call short women "petite", what do women call short men? "friends"

Score: 2257

The bartender said we don't serve time travellers. Two men walk into a bar.

Score: 2194

Scaring men is easy I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is..

Score: 2069

My seatmate on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?”

“Yes,” she said, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.”

Score: 2005

If Caitlyn Jenner were a super hero, what team would she be on? The Ex-Men.

Score: 1924

Why did Obama get two terms? Because black men always get a longer sentence

Score: 1888

Why don't men in the Middle East smoke weed? Only women get stoned.

Score: 1841

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb? No one knows. They never get to keep the house.

Edit: Thanks for all the awesome comments. I can't keep up!

Score: 1749

I have a degree in men's studies. It's called "world history".

Score: 1722

A bikini is an outfit where 90% of a woman's body is exposed. The amazing fact is that men are so decent, they only look at the 10% that isn't.

Score: 1669

I saw two blind men fighting And I yelled out "I'm rooting for the one with the knife"

Then they both ran away

Score: 1665

I just asked my husband I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.

Score: 1638

Old rich white men selecting strong young black men to work on their fields? I'm not sure about this NFL draft thing.

Score: 1604

A black guy and a white girl are at a party A black guy and a white girl are at a party. After a while they go together to a room, and she asks excited: "Show me if what they say about black men is true". He grabs her purse and runs

Score: 1438

75% of men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave the house. 90% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wives.

Score: 1359

There are 3 men in a boat and 4 cigarettes, however they don't own a lighter. How do they smoke? They throw one cigarette over board in order to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

Score: 1107

As a woman it's annoying when men think they are better drivers When I'm trying to park I don't need you to offer help every 20 minutes

Score: 917

Why do Scottish men wear kilts? Because the sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

Score: 850

"This trampoline is for men only." -mysogymnast

Score: 839

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, men can be feminists too

Score: 831

When a woman wears a bikini, they leave 90% of their body exposed. Men, being the gentlemen that we are, only look at the other 10%.

Score: 574

How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill two and a half men.

Score: 555

Two men are on a boat. They have three cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Score: 531

New Men Jokes

Why are old men given Viagra in the nursing home? So they don't roll out of bed

Score: 266

A black guy and a white guy each drink 3 beers at a bar, who pays the bill? They each pay for their own because men aren’t complicated

Score: 54

2 men are on a boat sharing a pack of cigarettes when they realise they have no lighter How do they light up?

They toss a cigarette overboard to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

Score: 178

Two men and a dog sitting out on the porch. The dog is licking itself.
One man says to the other, "I wish I could do that!" He responds "he'll bite you."

Score: 92

Studies show that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Score: 120

A man applies for a job as a police officer. The officer says: Alright, one more thing. Take this gun and go shoot 7 black men and a squirrel.

The man replies: Why the squirrel?

The officer says: I love your attitude, you got the job!

Score: 159

She said she'll go out with me when pigs can fly But she also said men were pigs, so I don't know what she's waiting for.

Score: 62

Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

Score: 48

A naked woman robbed a bank filled with men But nobody could remember her face.

Score: 50

Why do married men gain weight and bachelors don’t? The bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.

Score: 130

Most colleges have a women's studies major, but mine has a men's studies major too It's called "history"

Score: 184

Girlfriend said that she slept with 61 men before. I doubt it, but she insisted that I was her sixty-second man.

Score: 295

It's well known that men can read maps better than women. But that's because only men can convince themselves an inch is the same thing as 100 miles.

Score: 104

3 men were in a boat with 4 cigarettes,but there was no way to light them.What did they do? Threw one cigarette overboard and the boat became a cigarette lighter.

Score: 92

20 men walk into a bar Worst game of limbo I've ever seen.

Score: 281

A man walks into a library... A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

"Yeah that's the one"

Score: 50

Kim, Khloe and Kourtney... The only KKK black men are allowed into

Score: 48

I really hate men that says women belongs in the kitchen How are they then supposed to clean the rest of the house?

Score: 124

My dad told me that 97% of all men mastubate... The other 3% have no hands.

Score: 59

I don't know why men go to bars to meet women... They should be going to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they're already looking for things they don't need.

Score: 117

Wrestling is stupid Men without pants fighting over a belt.

Score: 83

Which rock group has 4 men that can't sing? Mount Rushmore

Score: 457

You know Apple is run by men... when they call it an iPhone 6+ and it’s only 5.5 inches.

Score: 470

Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home? To keep them from rolling out of bed.

Score: 239

A black man takes a girl home from a Nightclub A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men". So he stabs her and takes her purse.

Score: 75

I got a strange note in my bag at the Taco Bell drive-thru last night... The lady seemed very frazzled and the note said "help there are two armed men inside."

I drove off laughing, thinking "well yeah it would take forever to make tacos with one arm"

Score: 211

Women's Guide To Understanding Men If a guy says to you, "You're cute" - he's looking at your face.

If a guy says to you, "You're hot" - he's looking at your body.

If a guy says to you, "You're fabulous" - he's looking at your brother.

Score: 120

Seven construction men are all workings at the roadside... That's the joke...

Score: 195

If Caitlyn Jenner was a super hero, what team would she be on? The Ex-Men or the Trans formers.

Score: 44

I love it when my girlfriend says men think with their penises That woman blows my mind

Score: 346

Two married men are talking: - My mother-in-law is an angel - You're lucky, mine's still alive.

Score: 75

As I lay in my new girlfriend’s bed, I noticed four lines carved into the headboard. “Is that how many men you’ve slept with?”, I asked.

“Yes”, she replied, “One thousand, one hundred and eleven.”

Score: 330

What's the difference between a fruit and a vegetable? One likes men and the other is disabled.

EDIT 2: I apologise if this offends some people. In 2017, you cannot be too careful.

Score: 99

If the big bang theory, how I met your mother and two and a half men had ever crossed over it would've been called How I banged your mother with two and a half men

Score: 65

It's ok for my GF to tell me: "men only think with their penises" As long as she keeps blowing my mind

Score: 35

Why hasn't there been a black pope? Because black men are afraid of being fathers.

Score: 40

One by one, all of my best friends have started to become interested in men as well as women. So I’m just sitting here, watching the world go bi.

Score: 57

How many men does it take to open a beer? None it should be open by the time she hands it to you.

Score: 50

How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen snort? Enough to kill two and a half men

Score: 285

Where can the most desperate men find dates? In the grocery store, next to the raisins. <.<

Score: 79

The police arrested two suspicious men in a car park today. One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

Score: 57

There's a stereotype that Scottish men are bad at showing their emotions. This isn't true! I once knew a Scot who loved his wife so much he almost told her!

Score: 104

The Bikini exposes up to 90% of the female body... ...but men are so classy we only look at the covered 10%

Score: 56

Why are all Jewish men circumsized? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't 10% off

Score: 359

How many divorced men does it take to change lightbulb? Who cares? They never get the house.

Score: 54

Birth control pills should be for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.

Score: 41

What do you call two men staring lovingly at each other ? Gaze

Score: 40

So my wife said to me, "I swear, it's like all men share one brain" I wanted to think of a clever comeback, but it wasn't my turn to use the brain

Score: 236

Why do Scottish men wear kilts? Sheep can hear zippers.

Score: 323

My father complained "I've been using a dating app, but I'm only meeting Middle Eastern men." Dad, you're using Uber.

Score: 499

Heard they weren't celebrating Christmas at the University of Alabama... Couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Score: 205

What rock group have four men that don't sing? Mount Rushmore.

Score: 188

Why do married men gain weight and bachelors don’t? Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.

Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.

Score: 197

What did the homeless men yell when they hit each other with cardboard? Pillow fight!

Score: 32

Study reveals 20% of men kiss wife goodbye when they leave the house. 80% of men kiss house goodbye when they leave their wife. Conclusion. Want to keep your house, start kissing your wife.

Score: 138

What do Rudolph and your mom have in common? They'll both let fat men with eight bucks ride behind them.

Score: 39

Why do men prefer white women? They want the dishwasher to match with their fridge

Score: 37

Know how the iPhone 6+ was invented by men? Only men would call something that measures 5.5 inches, "six plus"

Score: 285

A genie appears to a blonde woman A genie appears to a blonde woman and offers her one wish. The blonde says "You know, I've slept with more men than I can count. I wish I knew exactly how many it was."

The Genie replies "Four."

Score: 32

A recent study revealed that 85% of all Japanese men have cataracts. The rest drive Rincons and Chevrorays.

Score: 83