Men Jokes

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Funniest Men Jokes

This shutdown is bad for everyone in the service industry, but it especially sucks for men We're losing $1 for every $.79 women are losing

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Funny Men Jokes
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Two men are drinking in a bar They pull out the sandwiches their wives had lovingly prepared and tuck in.

The bartender comes over and says "you can't eat your own food in here"

So they swapped sandwiches.

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"Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?" Waitress: (slaps me across the face) The men I please are none of your damn business

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I've noticed lately that women prefer men at least 6' away.

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I pissed off two men today because I referred to them as hipsters.. Apparently the correct term is 'conjoined twins'

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There are 3 men on a boat and 4 cigarettes, they don't have a lighter, how do they smoke? they toss one cigarette over board to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call. The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond

“Yes”

“Oui”

“Si”

“Ja”

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Why are all Jewish men circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not 10% off

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“Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?” Waitress: [slaps me a good one across the face] ...“The men I please are none of your damn business!”

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"Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?" Waitress: *slaps me right across the face*

"The men I please are none of your damn business!"

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A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?" The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."

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I came across 6 men beating up my mother in law. My wife asked "aren't you going to help?" I said no. Six should be enough.

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A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?" The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

"Yeah that's the one"

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My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?" I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

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Why are women and children always the first ones to get evacuated on a emergency situation ? So men may think on a solution in silence

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How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? One, because men can be feminists too.

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Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.


Edit:
This got a lot more upvotes than i expected.

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New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer than the men who mention it

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If men call short women "petite", what do women call short men? "friends"

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The bartender said we don't serve time travellers. Two men walk into a bar.

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Scaring men is easy I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is..

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Why did Obama get two terms? Because black men always get a longer sentence

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Why don't men in the Middle East smoke weed? Only women get stoned.

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How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb? No one knows. They never get to keep the house.

Edit: Thanks for all the awesome comments. I can't keep up!

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A bikini is an outfit where 90% of a woman's body is exposed. The amazing fact is that men are so decent, they only look at the 10% that isn't.

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I saw two blind men fighting And I yelled out "I'm rooting for the one with the knife"

Then they both ran away

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I just asked my husband I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.

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Old rich white men selecting strong young black men to work on their fields? I'm not sure about this NFL draft thing.

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Two men walk into a bar. One man orders H2O. The other says,"I'll have H2O, too." The second man dies.



That's why you shouldn't repost.

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Man: "Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please" Waitress: *slaps his face*

"The men I please are none of your damn business!"

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A black guy and a white girl are at a party A black guy and a white girl are at a party. After a while they go together to a room, and she asks excited: "Show me if what they say about black men is true". He grabs her purse and runs

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When women wear a bikini, they expose 90% of their bodies..... Men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.

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75% of men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave the house. 90% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wives.

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Women can be sexist too It's just that men are better at it like everything else.

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What is the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

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I bought a Russian porno magazine the other day called Barely Legal. Opened it up and there was a picture of two men holding hands.

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There are 3 men in a boat and 4 cigarettes, however they don't own a lighter. How do they smoke? They throw one cigarette over board in order to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

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Why do Jewish men get circumcised as youth. Jewish women won't touch anything that's not at least 10% off.

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I heard a statistic that there are more men named David in charge of companies than there are women. Well obviously. How many women do you know named David?

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At a wedding reception, the best man said, 'would all the married men please stand next to the person that made their lives worth living.' The poor bartender was crushed to death.

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New Men Jokes

Why do men usually die first? Because we want to.

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Friday afternoon I'm walking home from school and I'm watching some men build a new house. The guy hammering the house called me a paranoid little weirdo. In Morse code.

Emo Phillips

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When wearing a bikini women show 90% of their body. Men are really polite to only look at the covered parts.

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At a restaurant.... Guy: hey can i ask a question about the menu please?

Waitress: the men i please is none of your business

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I told the ambulance men the wrong blood type for my ex Now she'll know what rejection feels like...

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Two men are playing chess in Australia One guy asks "What's your ethnicity?"

As he knocks over the king, the other guy responds "Czech, mate"

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Two drunk friends were talking in a bar. Men 1: Yesterday my wife ran away with my best friend Mike.

Man 2: Since when was Mike your best friend?

Man 1: Since yesterday.

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I asked my wife if I was the only one she had ever been with. She said yes, all the other men were sevens or eights.

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Two men are standing on a corner watching a dog lick itself. Two men are standing on a corner watching a dog lick itself.

First guy says, "Man, I wish I could do that."

Second guy says, "You should probably try petting him first."

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Why do men usually die before women? Because it takes the women forever to get ready

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Two men walk into a bar Man 1: I’ll have a H20 please

Man 2: I’ll have a H20 too

The second man died

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A blond is watching the news and hears that 2 Brazilian men died from Coronavirus. She cried and asked, "Oh my gosh, how many is a Brazilian?"

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Breaking news :NASA wants first person to reach Mars, to be a woman. So that when men arrive, dinner would be ready.

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90% of the women that wear yoga pants dont do yoga And 100% of men dont care.

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One big difference between men and women is... that if a woman says "smell this" it usually smells nice

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Why do women think men are like carpets ? If they lay them right the first time, they can walk on them for years.

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My Dad has got a great new job. He has 600 men under him. He cuts grass at the graveyard.

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When wearing a bikini, women reveal 92% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

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Three men are on a boat with cigarettes Three men are on a boat with four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.


So one man throws one cigarette off and the entire boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

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Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please? ​

Waitress: \[slaps me a good one across the face\] ...“The men I please are none of your damn business!”

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Two men are discussing a business transaction. Buyer: "How much does it cost to buy a singing ensemble?"

Seller: "You mean a choir?"

Buyer: \**visibly frustrated*\* "Fine, how much does it cost to *acquire* a singing ensemble?"

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I’m hosting a charity event for men struggling to ejaculate let me know if you can’t come

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Men I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... scaring men is easy.

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A guy walks into a library... A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."

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The wage gap isn’t real Men just go for higher paying jobs like doctor, CEO, lawyer ect. Where as women pick lower paying jobs like female doctor, female lawyer, and female CEO

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When women wear bikinis, they expose about 96% of their bodies. But men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.

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Today I was in the bank when two men came in wearing masks... Everyone felt a huge relief when they told us it's only a bank robbery.

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Problem with pay equality is that men tend to go for higer paying jobs ...like doctors or directors. While females tend to settle with lesser paying ones like female doctors or female directors.

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The real reason why women don’t like men under 6 feet Is because it’s hard to have a conversation with the dead.

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Why are men like floor tiles? If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life

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New study shows that overweight women... ...live significantly longer than men who mention it.

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What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.

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I came across 6 men beating up my mother in law. My wife asked "aren't you going to help?"

I said no, 6 should be enough.

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I'm hosting an event for men who have trouble ejaculating If you can't come, let me know.

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This week I’m hosting a charity event for men who can’t ejaculate. If you can’t come let me know.

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Man asks the Waitress: "Excuse me, can I ask you something about the menu please?" The waitress slaps his face and answers really pissed:

"The men I please are none of your damn business!"

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HOT older men in YOUR area... ...want to know if YOU have been playing with the thermostat!

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What do you call Hispanic men that are over 65 years old? Señor citizens.



I’ll see myself out thanks

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IHOP is allowing all Mexican men in the U.S. legally to show ID and get 10% off. It's their new señor citizen discount.

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Why do Jewish men have to be circumsized? Because a Jewish woman won’t touch anything unless it’s 20% off.

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Given that we live in an era of equality, it is only fair that for every 100 men drafted for the war... We shall draft 79 women.

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Have you noticed that small men often wear pointy red hats? ... it’s a little gnome fact

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I hate when women state that men can't multitask And then I stop what I'm doing so I can get angry

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So two men walk into a tie shop The first men asks "Do you want to have a race to see who can put it on the quickest"


The second man responds "nah we will probably end up in a tie

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I was walking at a park when I see two blind men are gonna fight each other So I yelled "Watch out! He's got a knife!"
And so.. they're both running away.

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Why can’t you have more than 99 people listen to toto’s Africa at once? Its something that 100 men or more could never do

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Two China men were robbing a distillery. One said to the other “is this whiskey?” The other said “yeah it’s whiskey but it’s safer than wobbing a bank”.

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Wrestling is stupid. Men without pants fight for a belt.

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Two men meets on opposite sides of a river... One shouts "I need you to help me get to the other side!"

The other says "You are on the other side!

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Which rock group has 4 men that can’t sing? Mount Rushmore.

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Woman get 77 cents for every dollar a man earns. Well, at least men get to keep the 23 cents.

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In a survey, 5% of straight men said they liked slim thighs on a woman and 10% said they liked thicc thighs on a woman. The rest of them preferred something in between.

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Why are women and children evacuated first during disasters? So the men can have some peace and quiet to think of a solution.

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What's the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball? Most men are happy to spend 10 minutes looking for a golf ball.

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Me: Hello 911 Operator: hello what's your emergency

Me: these men won't stop laughing at me

Operator: that's annoying but it's not a crime

Me: wtf is manslaughter then

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What do straight men and trans men both have in common? They both want to be inside a woman's body.

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Girls should stop saying "all men are the same"... No one asked you to try them all.

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Two drunk men walk on a railway The first guy says: This stairs are neverending!
Other guy: Don't worry there's the elevator comming!

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How do you stop two blind men from fighting? You yell, “I vote for the guy with the knife!”

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I like my men how I like my women. That’s it. That’s the joke. I’m asexual.

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What's the most important difference between men and women? What they mean when they say "I went through an entire box of tissues during that film".

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