Men Jokes

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Funniest Men Jokes

Funny Men Jokes
Score: 15130

Two men are drinking in a bar They pull out the sandwiches their wives had lovingly prepared and tuck in.

The bartender comes over and says "you can't eat your own food in here"

So they swapped sandwiches.

Score: 15099

To the women who say "Men are only interested in one thing" Have you ever considered being more interesting?

Score: 11445

You know there's no official training for garbage men? They just pick it up as they go along.

Score: 10633

There are 3 men on a boat and 4 cigarettes, they don't have a lighter, how do they smoke? they toss one cigarette over board to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

Score: 10213

Caitlyn Jenner becomes a super hero but doesn’t know what group to join... She’s still deciding whether to be an Ex-men or a Trans-former

Score: 9390

My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up.

Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

Score: 9229

Why are all Jewish men circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not 10% off

Score: 8270

A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?" The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."

Score: 3837

I came across 6 men beating up my mother in law. My wife asked "aren't you going to help?" I said no. Six should be enough.

Score: 3553

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?" The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

"Yeah that's the one"

Score: 3259

Why are women and children always the first ones to get evacuated on a emergency situation ? So men may think on a solution in silence

Score: 3003

Caitlin Jenner just signed a deal with Marvel. She is going to be in the new Ex-Men film.

Score: 2722

When wearing a bikini,women reveal 90% of their body When wearing a bikini,women reveal 90% of their body....men are so polite they only look at the covered parts

Score: 2701

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? One, because men can be feminists too.

Score: 2571

Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.


Edit:
This got a lot more upvotes than i expected.

Score: 2569

Why do women have cleaner minds than men? Because they change theirs more often

Score: 2418

If men call short women "petite", what do women call short men? "friends"

Score: 2257

The bartender said we don't serve time travellers. Two men walk into a bar.

Score: 2194

Scaring men is easy I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is..

Score: 2069

My seatmate on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?”

“Yes,” she said, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.”

Score: 2005

If Caitlyn Jenner were a super hero, what team would she be on? The Ex-Men.

Score: 1924

Why did Obama get two terms? Because black men always get a longer sentence

Score: 1888

Why don't men in the Middle East smoke weed? Only women get stoned.

Score: 1841

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb? No one knows. They never get to keep the house.

Edit: Thanks for all the awesome comments. I can't keep up!

Score: 1749

I have a degree in men's studies. It's called "world history".

Score: 1722

A bikini is an outfit where 90% of a woman's body is exposed. The amazing fact is that men are so decent, they only look at the 10% that isn't.

Score: 1669

I saw two blind men fighting And I yelled out "I'm rooting for the one with the knife"

Then they both ran away

Score: 1665

I just asked my husband I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.

Score: 1638

Old rich white men selecting strong young black men to work on their fields? I'm not sure about this NFL draft thing.

Score: 1604

Why do bald men cut holes in their pockets? So they can run their hands through their hair.

Score: 645

Three men brought four cigarettes onto a boat, but then realized they had no lighters or matches. What do they do? Throw one cigarette off the boat and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Score: 334

Where do men with erectile dysfunction go to find a job? Ubisoft

Score: 263

Why do jewish men get circumcised? Because a jewish woman wouldn't touch anything unless it's 20% off.

Score: 238

I got a strange note in my bag at the Taco Bell drive-thru last night... The lady seemed very frazzled and the note said "help there are two armed men inside."

I drove off laughing, thinking "well yeah it would take forever to make tacos with one arm"

Score: 211

Heard they weren't celebrating Christmas at the University of Alabama... Couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Score: 205

The Navy is beginning to recruit blind men. They are sending them out to sea.

Score: 105

A man asks his wife * Husband: Honey, how many men have you slept with?
* Wife: 30....
* Husband: I wish you'd have been a virgin when I married you.
* Wife: I was.

Score: 79

A man applies to be a superhero as a part of the X-Men When asked what his super power is, the man replies "Hindsight".

The doctor says "That won't be of any use to us".

The man replies, "Yes, I see that now".

Score: 76

What do men and tile floors have in common? ...if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years.

Score: 70

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New Men Jokes

The Female Parking Misconception Men should stop giving out about women parking far too close to the kerb. This wouldn't have happened if they hadn't constantly lied to women about how long 8 inches look like.

Score: 5

Why do middle age men like golf They're good at finishing in few strokes

Score: 5

Apparently there’s a new trend where men have been putting jewelry on their testicles I’ve heard they’re pretty nuts

Score: 11

I made fun of fat men and I became fat I teased the bald men and I became bald. Now I only make fun of the rich

Score: 7

What do you call a team of transgender superheroes? The Ex-men

Score: 10

Why do men choose video games over women? Video games can be beaten without legal consequences.

Score: 9

A girl once told me it always seems like men share one brain. I couldn’t think of a good comeback since it wasn’t my turn to use the brain.

Score: 5

In Greek culture what is the one traditional way they separate the men from the boys? They use a crowbar.

Score: 7

What do married men and Santa Claus have in common? They only come once a year.

Score: 6

Two old men were discussing a new hearing aid... Merle: Boy I tell ya! This new hearing aid is a miracle. Haven’t heard this good in 30’years!

Herm: that’s great! What kind is it?

Merle: 10:30

Score: 5

Yesterday I heard a woman shouting on the street toward her boyfriend "All men are dogs" An old man popped his head out of the window and replied,

##"Who told you to try them all??"

Score: 22

Two men are in the desert and they see a third man fishing. The first man says to the other: “Look at that idiot fishing in the desert.”
The second man replies: “That’s none of our business, just keep rowing.”

Score: 7

How many men does it take to satisfy an Amish woman? Two Mennonite

Score: 8

What do you call 8 men who refuse to do a single dare? An octopus

Score: 8

Men that are great cooks tend to be good with the gals Food for thot

Score: 5

3 men are on a boat. They have 4 cigarettes, but no lighter or matches. How do they managed to light their cigarettes? They throw the 4th cigarette over board so that the boat is now a cigarette lighter.

Score: 9

A black guy and a white guy each drink 3 beers at a bar, who pays the bill? They each pay for their own because men aren’t complicated

Score: 54

The gender pay gap is mostly caused by the types of professions that men and women go into Men are more likely to be doctors, lawyers, or engineers.

Women are more likely to be female doctors, female lawyers, or female engineers.

Score: 5

What do you get when you put 8 black men and a Gun together ? The 100m Olympic Finals, ofcourse.

Score: 8

Two men are arguing loudly. A robot approaches and says "May I be of assistance?" One man turns to it and says *back off pal, this is an organic matter!"

Score: 7

What Superhero group would Caitlyn Jenner be apart of? The X-Men

Score: 17

Two elderly men in a bar... ...one pipes up and asks his mate
"as we get older would you prefer Parkinsons or Alzheimers?"

Second man replies "Parkinsons, it will be bad enough spilling half my pint, never mind forgetting where I left it!"

Score: 8

A man is walking through a cemetery when he sees a headstone that reads, "Here lies John, an honest man and a lawyer."

"How about that," he thinks. "Three men buried in one grave!"

Score: 22

My ex girlfriend is a brick Flat on both sides and laid by hispanic men.

Score: 10

Why are women attracted to intelligent men? Opposites attract

Score: 11

How are tumblr users opposite from police officers? Tumblr users are trigger happy around white men.

Score: 7

What super hero league would Caitlyn Jenner be a member of? The X men!

Score: 13

if it's called morning wood for men then what is it for women.. Morning dew.

Score: 55

Two Latvian men are talking to each other... Two Latvian men are talking to each other.

The first says "I have joke for you. What did one potato say to other?"

The second says "Nothing. Nobody have two potato."

Score: 6

Two Men Were Hunting Buffalo One put his ear to the ground

He lifted his head up and said "Buffalo come"

The other said "How do you know?"

He said "ear sticky"

Score: 30

Why do bald men cut holes in their pockets? So they can run their fingers through their hair.

Score: 44

What kind of genie only grants wishes to men? A misogenie.

Score: 5

Why do Scottish men wear kilts instead of jeans? Because a sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

Score: 32

What did the homeless men yell when they hit each other with cardboard? Pillow fight!

Score: 32

Why can't women explain feminism to men? Because they need a man to do it for them

Score: 4

What do Rudolph and your mom have in common? They'll both let fat men with eight bucks ride behind them.

Score: 39

Why do blck men cry when they make love to white women? Mace...

Score: 10

Why do men prefer white women? They want the dishwasher to match with their fridge

Score: 37

If Caitlyn Jenner was a super hero, what team would she be in? The X-Men

Score: 17

There should be an MtF superhero group. They would be the Ex-Men.

Score: 9

What is a cannibal's favorite food to eat when he is lazy? Ra-men

Score: 9

So who is this "Rorschach" guy... ...And why does he love drawing pictures of naked men?

Score: 25

A white girl met a black guy in the club. He took her home and then she asked him, "Show me if it's true what they say about black men."

So he stabbed her and stole her purse.

Score: 12

Today I played chess with some old men in the park. It was hard to round up 32 of them.

Score: 33

What do you call a society governed by men with no testicles? An anorchy...

...I swear, that one KILLED at the urology convention

Score: 8

Why are Jewish men circumcised? Cause Jewish women won't take anything unless its 10% off.

Score: 43

If women can do anything men can do... Then why haven't they oppressed an entire gender yet?

Score: 5

I was sitting next to a woman on a flight and asked her... >Does the airline company charge you for flying next to good looking men?

She responded with

>Yes, but this time I decided not to pay

Score: 10

Why do Jewish men get circumcised? Because Jewish women only want things that are 20% off.

Score: 27

Did you know 60% of all Asian men have Cataracks? The other 40% drive Mitsubishis.

Score: 18

How many straight men in california does it take to change a lightbulb? both of them

Score: 9

Why did Hitler have a thing for men from Hungary? Because they are Hung Arian's

Score: 7

There is a dog in the front yard licking himself. Two old men sitting on the front porch. There is a dog in the front yard that is licking himself.

First man, "I wish I could do that."

Second man, "That dog would bite you!"

Score: 4

Why do men love leaving restaurants? It's the only time someone thanks them for coming.

Score: 9

What do radical feminists and Game of Thrones have in common? All men must die.

Score: 5

How do you separate the men from the boys in the Navy? With a crowbar.

Score: 30

How do the Greeks separate boys from men? With a crowbar.

Score: 26

[Original] This is the only time of year... .... that it's acceptable for middle-aged men to cruise around town looking for Girl Scouts.

Score: 5

Why do married men love golf so much? Because it's not the same three holes over and over again.

Score: 57

Why don't old men eat out their old wives? Have you ever tried to pull apart a grilled cheese?

Score: 9

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