Men Jokes

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Funniest Men Jokes

Funny Men Jokes
Score: 15130

Two men are drinking in a bar They pull out the sandwiches their wives had lovingly prepared and tuck in.

The bartender comes over and says "you can't eat your own food in here"

So they swapped sandwiches.

Score: 15099

To the women who say "Men are only interested in one thing" Have you ever considered being more interesting?

Score: 11445

You know there's no official training for garbage men? They just pick it up as they go along.

Score: 10633

There are 3 men on a boat and 4 cigarettes, they don't have a lighter, how do they smoke? they toss one cigarette over board to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

Score: 10213

Caitlyn Jenner becomes a super hero but doesn’t know what group to join... She’s still deciding whether to be an Ex-men or a Trans-former

Score: 9390

My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up.

Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

Score: 9229

Why are all Jewish men circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not 10% off

Score: 8270

A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?" The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."

Score: 3837

I came across 6 men beating up my mother in law. My wife asked "aren't you going to help?" I said no. Six should be enough.

Score: 3553

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?" The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

"Yeah that's the one"

Score: 3259

Why are women and children always the first ones to get evacuated on a emergency situation ? So men may think on a solution in silence

Score: 3003

Caitlin Jenner just signed a deal with Marvel. She is going to be in the new Ex-Men film.

Score: 2722

When wearing a bikini,women reveal 90% of their body When wearing a bikini,women reveal 90% of their body....men are so polite they only look at the covered parts

Score: 2701

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? One, because men can be feminists too.

Score: 2571

Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.


Edit:
This got a lot more upvotes than i expected.

Score: 2569

Why do women have cleaner minds than men? Because they change theirs more often

Score: 2418

If men call short women "petite", what do women call short men? "friends"

Score: 2257

The bartender said we don't serve time travellers. Two men walk into a bar.

Score: 2194

Scaring men is easy I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is..

Score: 2069

My seatmate on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?”

“Yes,” she said, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.”

Score: 2005

If Caitlyn Jenner were a super hero, what team would she be on? The Ex-Men.

Score: 1924

Why did Obama get two terms? Because black men always get a longer sentence

Score: 1888

Why don't men in the Middle East smoke weed? Only women get stoned.

Score: 1841

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb? No one knows. They never get to keep the house.

Edit: Thanks for all the awesome comments. I can't keep up!

Score: 1749

I have a degree in men's studies. It's called "world history".

Score: 1722

A bikini is an outfit where 90% of a woman's body is exposed. The amazing fact is that men are so decent, they only look at the 10% that isn't.

Score: 1669

I saw two blind men fighting And I yelled out "I'm rooting for the one with the knife"

Then they both ran away

Score: 1665

I just asked my husband I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.

Score: 1638

Old rich white men selecting strong young black men to work on their fields? I'm not sure about this NFL draft thing.

Score: 1604

Two men are on a boat. They have three cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Score: 531

Know how the iPhone 6+ was invented by men? Only men would call something that measures 5.5 inches, "six plus"

Score: 285

Why are old men given Viagra in the nursing home? So they don't roll out of bed

Score: 266

A recent study revealed that 85% of all Japanese men have cataracts. The rest drive Rincons and Chevrorays.

Score: 83

Two married men are talking: - My mother-in-law is an angel - You're lucky, mine's still alive.

Score: 75

A black guy and a white guy each drink 3 beers at a bar, who pays the bill? They each pay for their own because men aren’t complicated

Score: 54

What do Rudolph and your mom have in common? They'll both let fat men with eight bucks ride behind them.

Score: 39

What did the homeless men yell when they hit each other with cardboard? Pillow fight!

Score: 32

A genie appears to a blonde woman A genie appears to a blonde woman and offers her one wish. The blonde says "You know, I've slept with more men than I can count. I wish I knew exactly how many it was."

The Genie replies "Four."

Score: 32

Two Men Were Hunting Buffalo One put his ear to the ground

He lifted his head up and said "Buffalo come"

The other said "How do you know?"

He said "ear sticky"

Score: 30

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New Men Jokes

What do u call a group of trans women ? Ex men

Score: 12

So two men are out in the Artic The first man calls the ambulance

“Help I think my friend died of hypothermia! What do I do?”

“Don’t worry sir. First you are going have to make sure he is dead”

*Gunshots*

“Ok so now what”

Score: 4

The Female Parking Misconception Men should stop giving out about women parking far too close to the kerb. This wouldn't have happened if they hadn't constantly lied to women about how long 8 inches look like.

Score: 5

Why do middle age men like golf They're good at finishing in few strokes

Score: 5

2 men are talking about going to the pub. - I am telling you, this is the best place in town.

- Okay, how long to go there and back?

- 60 minutes.

- Is it that far?

-No, it's 10 minutes away, only coming back is the tricky part.

Score: 3

When you’re alone in Germany being approached by a group of old men You have to fear the wurst

Score: 4

2 men exploring find a bat in a cave... Decide to go back and play baseball

Score: 4

Why should men never wear Russian underwear? Chernobyl Fallout

Score: 6

What does Cardi B and the ocean have in common? Both are filled with trash, and may knock men out.

Score: 3

The gender stereotype for men is really harsh We are expected to be swift as a coursing river

Score: 10

Wemen are absolutely amazing! Hard working, strong, independent, and gets any work done! Edit: We men*

Score: 4

Why do French men enjoy the Wisconsin country side? They love that Dairy Air!

Score: 3

What do you call 2 men with no arms and no legs hanging above your window? Curt n’ Rod

Score: 4

What do you call a physical therapist who believes men are superior? A massage-inist

Score: 4

Sir Issac Newton died a virgin, so I'm already doing better than one of the smartest men who ever lived. I'm still alive.

Score: 3

Two men are new to a philosophical nudist colony . . . In order to break the awkward silence, one man says to the other:

"Have you read Marx?"

The other replies, "Indeed! I think it's the wicker furniture."

Score: 3

Aaron Hernandez's lawyers had him looking forward to prison. The told him it would be just like playing football again and that he would still have a lot of large men opening holes for him.

Score: 3

She said she likes men who are foresighted. So I drank a liter of pineapple juice.

Score: 3

The smartphone is now the number one hand-held unit among women and second among men.

Score: 3

A girl once told me it always seems like men share one brain. I couldn’t think of a good comeback since it wasn’t my turn to use the brain.

Score: 5

In Greek culture what is the one traditional way they separate the men from the boys? They use a crowbar.

Score: 7

My fitness instructor told me to treat my body like a temple Yet she fainted when she saw me filled with old men in robes

Score: 3

Why did the homebuilder bring 6 bimbos to his job site? None of his men could find a stud.

Score: 3

How are the Bermuda Triangle and my wife related? They both swallow sea men.

Score: 4

Three men are talking about cars. The first man says, “I’m an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn.”


The second man says, “Well, I’m a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort.”


The third man says, “I have the both of you beat. I’m a proctologist, so I drive a brown probe.”

Score: 6

Yesterday I heard a woman shouting on the street toward her boyfriend "All men are dogs" An old man popped his head out of the window and replied,

##"Who told you to try them all??"

Score: 22

What do Wolverine and Caitlyn Jenner have in common? They're both Ex-Men

Score: 11

Two men are in the desert and they see a third man fishing. The first man says to the other: “Look at that idiot fishing in the desert.”
The second man replies: “That’s none of our business, just keep rowing.”

Score: 7

3 men are on a boat. They have 4 cigarettes, but no lighter or matches. How do they managed to light their cigarettes? They throw the 4th cigarette over board so that the boat is now a cigarette lighter.

Score: 9

The gender pay gap is mostly caused by the types of professions that men and women go into Men are more likely to be doctors, lawyers, or engineers.

Women are more likely to be female doctors, female lawyers, or female engineers.

Score: 5

Two men from Texas are having a conversation... The first man asks the second man "Imagine being in the same room with all of the people you've slept with." The second man responds with "I don't have to imagine, I do that every thanksgiving."

Score: 14

What do ugly women and old men have in common? They both have difficulty getting an erection.

Score: 3

We're told men with large feet have large dicks and men with big cars have small dicks You would almost think these stereotypes were conceived by clowns.

Score: 29

What do old men wake up to? A morning wouldn't.

Score: 18

2 Men are sitting in a bar. One man asked the other
-tell me do you ever take your wife in the other hole?

-no, then she would become pregnant.

Score: 6

In honor of the BYU/Utah game tomorrow Why can't the University of Utah do the nativity scene?

Because they can't find 3 wise men or a virign.

Score: 5

Heard Caitlyn Jenner wants to be in a superhero movie. I think she'll either be an X-Men or Transformers

Score: 8

I asked a friend whether old men wear briefs or boxers. He said depends.

Score: 4

Two elderly men in a bar... ...one pipes up and asks his mate
"as we get older would you prefer Parkinsons or Alzheimers?"

Second man replies "Parkinsons, it will be bad enough spilling half my pint, never mind forgetting where I left it!"

Score: 8

My boss asked me which of the X-men was my favorite Apparently Bruce Jenner was not an appropriate answer.

Score: 4

Why are women attracted to intelligent men? Opposites attract

Score: 11

I secretly love men from Scotland... It's my kilty pleasure.

Score: 14

How many Chinese men does it take to make a Smartphone? I dunno, ask the Kids.

Score: 11

How do men in New Zealand address their women? "Hey! Ewe!"

Score: 3

Why can't women explain feminism to men? Because they need a man to do it for them

Score: 4

Why are there no men's studies classes? World history already exists

Score: 3

Two old men are sitting on a park bench in the summer... One turns to the other and says "it's nice out isn't it?"

The other replies "yes, I think I'll take mine out too"

Score: 2

Why are there no good jokes about men? Because they were written by women.

Score: 7

If Caitlyn Jenner was a super hero, what team would she be in? The X-Men

Score: 17

There are two types of people that feminists hate Men. And women.

Score: 5

A white girl met a black guy in the club. He took her home and then she asked him, "Show me if it's true what they say about black men."

So he stabbed her and stole her purse.

Score: 12

What does Lenny (of Mice and Men) do during foreplay? Heavy petting.

Score: 6

Two men wanted to go to a nearby park They drove about 5 minutes to get there. Once they did, they found a sign which read "Park left".

"Too bad," they said to each other as they turned around to go home.

Score: 3

How many straight men in california does it take to change a lightbulb? both of them

Score: 9

Latest reserch shows, that women with extra weight... Live longer, than the men, that mention it.

Score: 25

Men often think that women don't know what they want. That's incorrect. Women know exactly what they do and don't want, however, those two are usually the same thing.

Score: 2

My workplace consists of 80% women and 20% men.. I guess you could say that we are under staffed

Score: 13

How do the Greeks separate boys from men? With a crowbar.

Score: 26

Why don't old men eat out their old wives? Have you ever tried to pull apart a grilled cheese?

Score: 9

What do you call 6 White men Sitting on a bench? The NBA

Score: 3

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