Weed Jokes

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Funniest Weed Jokes

Obama smoked weed growing up, and now look where he is today Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted

Score: 21255

Cowboys don’t roll joints. They tumble weed.

Score: 9882
Funny Weed Jokes
Score: 9596

The Quran is like weed Burn it and you get stoned.

Score: 4439

I used to illegally give weed to my prize winning cows, but I had to stop. The steaks were too high.

Score: 1930

Why don't men in the Middle East smoke weed? Only women get stoned.

Score: 1841

Didn't Snoop Dogg change his name? Or was Snoop Lyin'?

Edit: Just in case the king sees this, I got mad respect for you Dogg. Smoke weed everyday.

(His grandmother passed away recently, I'm just trying to be nice people.)

Score: 1566

What kind of weed do reptiles smoke? Mariguana.

Score: 1489

Being on a United Airlines flight is like smoking weed. You take a hit, then a long drag and soon you wake up not knowing where you are.

Score: 1064

The police say that they burn all the weed they confiscate... That would explain the doughnuts...

Score: 982

I was about to smoke weed with a couple cute Mexican girls... I asked them if they had papers. They immediately ran off.

Score: 978

Two midgets are sitting around, bored... When one of them pulls out some weed and asks:

"Wanna get medium?"

Score: 890

The Quran is like weed If you burn it you get stoned.

Score: 866

What's the difference between smoking weed and burning the koran? If you burn the koran, you can only get stoned once.

Score: 841

Studies have shown that smoking weed causes short term memory loss. Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

Score: 548

I stopped smoking weed the day after I spent 30minutes looking for my phone under the bed... ....while using my phone's flashlight

Score: 496

When midgets smoke weed... ...do they get high, or do they just get medium?

Score: 354

I was gonna smoke weed with this Mexican girl Until I asked her for some papers and she ran off.

Score: 244

My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed. Turns out my property line is nowhere near where I thought it was.

Score: 243

What do you call a guy with a plant fetish? A Weed Whacker.

Score: 237

What does the Quran have in common with weed? Burn it and you get stoned

Score: 223

Wow I got all this for free today. iPhone, some weed, and $2 000 ... it’s like this gun is magic!

Score: 210

The janitor in my apartment complex asked me if I wanted to smoke some weed with her. I said no. I can't deal with a high maintenance woman.

Score: 202

So today is 4/20 4/20 is national weed day, 4/21 is national surprise drug test day and 4/22 is national unemployment day

Score: 182

The Quran is like weed You burn it and you get stoned

Score: 174

My friend lives in Colorado and wanted to start growing weed on his cow farm. I told him it wasn’t a good idea. The steaks would be too high.

Score: 161

If weed becomes legalized after Snoop Dog dies He'll be rolling in his grave

Score: 159

"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?" "Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

Score: 148

What happens if you smoke weed in a musilm country? Simple, you get stoned twice

Score: 139

Obama smoked weed growing up and look where he is today Unemployed, with two kids and recently evicted

Score: 134

Snoop Dogg seems to be investing in a company that will deliver weed to your house in 10 minutes... Sadly, the name Instagram is taken.

Score: 87

What does Osama bin Laden call his weed? The Quran because burning it gets you stoned

Score: 6

Snoop Dogg recently announced the he doesn't smoke weed any more But he also doesn't smoke any less.

Score: 5

I gave some autistic kids weed... And now I have baked potatoes.

Score: 4

I killed some one with some weed. One could say it was blunt force trauma.

Score: 4

It is very hard for me to get in touch with my dealer ship... Maybe that old sea captain isn't the best person to buy weed from.

Score: 3

What game do cows play after smoking weed? High steaks poker

Score: 3

What do you get when you cross a dog and a bag of weed? A dooberman.

Score: 3

What do you call alligator weed? Croc-pot

Score: 3

Why was the teenager arrested in Wal-Mart after asking if they sold protective coverings to use while smoking weed? When asked why he came in, he said he needed to “case the joint.”

Score: 3

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New Weed Jokes

A smoker wanted weed on the go. So he bought Instant Pot on the Internet. He was Instantly Disappointed.

Score: 0

A group of stoner farmers wanted to come up with their own variation of “grass fed beef.” So, they fed cows weed and then sold the beef. It was a high steaks operation.

Score: 0

This morning I worked in the garden, pulling out the weeds. I put them out the front in a box with a sign, “Free weeds.” No one took them. I was puzzled ‘cause last week, my neighbour had a sign for “Free weed” and everyone came, even some cops.

Score: 0

Studies show that if you smoke weed you are less likely to get sick. Because of your high gene.

Score: 0

Bernie told me to be the change I want to see on this country So I’m adding taxes to all my weed sales

Score: 0

I'm afraid I might be addicted to sea weed Perhaps I should sea kelp

Score: 0

What do you call a lazy weed-user? A baked potato

Score: 0

if i have a prescription for medicinal marijuana do i have the need for weed

Score: 0

What do you call a person with down syndrome that smokes weed? A baked potato.

Score: 2

What do you call someone that speaks more than one language, and also smokes weed? A Rosetta Stoner

Score: 2

I do a magic show making weed and cocaine disappear It's all just smoke and mirrors

Score: 2

Weed is like Pringle’s, once you pop... What are we talking about?

Score: 0

Curtesy of my absolutely smashed brother after smoking 27 pounds of the finest weed “What was the wheel”

“Tired”

He wouldn’t leave me alone until I posted this I’m sorry

Score: 0

I tried some weed from Oklahoma today. It was OK.

Score: 2

TIFU by getting my cousin arrested for smoking weed I should have known there’s a better way to describe blowtorching crabgrass.

Score: 1

Local Barber shop owner busted for selling weed... I had no idea he was a barber.

Score: 2

What do you call a group of Indians smoking weed? A Hindu Kush


I am not sorry

Score: 2

Who do Mexican people who love weed marry?? They Marry Juana

Score: 2

What do you get when somebody smuggles weed into the special ed classroom? Baked potatoes.

Score: 2

What do you call a stoner who had his weed seized? Disjointed.

Score: 1

What do you call it when an autistic kid smokes weed? Baked Potato

Score: 2

Did you hear about the obscenely hard gardening class required for botany majors? It was said to be a weed out class

Score: 2

This guy in Japan was trying to get me to help him score some weed... ... he kept pointing at a map and going: "Toke, yo? Toke, yo?".

Score: 2

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