Weed Jokes


Funniest Weed Jokes

Obama smoked weed growing up, and now look where he is today Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted

Today I was invited by a female janitor to smoke some weed at her apartment, but i politley declined. I can’t deal with high maintenance women.

Caveman discovers weed Caveman discovers fire

Stone age begins

A female janitor at my building asked me if i wanted to smoke some weed with her. I politely declined- I can't deal with high maintenance women.

Funny Weed Jokes

I used to smoke weed and go to the class... Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.

I was the best teacher ever.

The Quran is like weed Burn it and you get stoned.

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her... I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

I used to illegally give weed to my prize winning cows, but I had to stop. The steaks were too high.

Didn't Snoop Dogg change his name? Or was Snoop Lyin'?

Edit: Just in case the king sees this, I got mad respect for you Dogg. Smoke weed everyday.

(His grandmother passed away recently, I'm just trying to be nice people.)

What kind of weed do reptiles smoke? Mariguana.

I used to smoke weed and go to class... Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.

I was the best teacher ever.

The police say that they burn all the weed they confiscate... That would explain the doughnuts...

I was about to smoke weed with a couple cute Mexican girls... I asked them if they had papers. They immediately ran off.

My neighbor just got arrested for growing weed in his back yard. Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought it was.

The Quran is like weed If you burn it you get stoned.

Two midgets are sitting around, bored... When one of them pulls out some weed and asks:

"Wanna get medium?"

What's the difference between smoking weed and burning the koran? If you burn the koran, you can only get stoned once.

Marijuana and coffee are my favorite combination. They're the reason ice mocha lot of weed

Studies have shown that smoking weed causes short term memory loss. Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

I stopped smoking weed the day after I spent 30minutes looking for my phone under the bed... ....while using my phone's flashlight

I was gonna smoke weed with this Mexican girl Until I asked her for some papers and she ran off.

What do you call a guy with a plant fetish? A Weed Whacker.

The janitor in my apartment complex asked me if I wanted to smoke some weed with her. I said no. I can't deal with a high maintenance woman.

So today is 4/20 4/20 is national weed day, 4/21 is national surprise drug test day and 4/22 is national unemployment day

The Quran is like weed You burn it and you get stoned

My friend lives in Colorado and wanted to start growing weed on his cow farm. I told him it wasn’t a good idea. The steaks would be too high.

If weed becomes legalized after Snoop Dog dies He'll be rolling in his grave

What happens if you smoke weed in a musilm country? Simple, you get stoned twice

Obama smoked weed growing up and look where he is today Unemployed, with two kids and recently evicted

When I drink too much alcohol I’m called an alcoholic, but when I smoke a lot of weed no one calls me...
Or texts me... or talks to me... I’m very lonely.

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her I said no thanks, I can't handle high maintenance women

In honor of 420 tomorrow, here's a weed joke. Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

Research has shown that smoking weed causes short term memory loss. Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

All three of my uncles used to grow weed together It was a joint effort.

Snoop Dogg seems to be investing in a company that will deliver weed to your house in 10 minutes... Sadly, the name Instagram is taken.

2 brothers open a weed shop. It was a joint effort.

Marijuana and coffee are my favorite combination. They're the reason ice mocha a lot of weed

My girlfriend said choose her or weed Too high to edit the title but it should say ex girlfriend

Two police officers walk into a crime scene. They see two people lying dead on the floor. The victims are holding a piece of weed each. Their eyes are red and their skin is dry.

One officer turns to the other and says: "Looks like a joint suicide."

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New Weed Jokes

Studies show that if you smoke weed you are less likely to get sick. Because of your high gene.

Dracula decides to target people who smoke weed He tells the other vampires to search for them. "Find them all, look everywhere, leave no stoner unturned"

What did obi-wan Konobe say to Anakin on a weed farm? It's over Anakin, I have the high ground.

As my father and I shared some weed I told him all the great things about my wife. I was speaking highly of her.

Bernie told me to be the change I want to see on this country So I’m adding taxes to all my weed sales

My cow ate all my weed The steaks have never been higher

What do you call some weed in a pride parade? Transplant

Miget smoking(Offensive?) If a miget smokes weed does he get high or medium?

Weed Is A Gateway Drug The only thing weed is a gateway to is my fridge

The homeowner's association keeps telling me I need to cut the grass. I appreciate the concern, but I haven't smoked since high school, when I mowed lawns for weed money.

I’m never smoking weed with a Mexican anymore I asked him if he had papers and he just ran away

I'm opening a dispensary that sells weed and doughnuts It's called "Glazed and Confused"

If smoking weed affects memory loss... then what does smoking weed do?

I’m opening a dispensary that sells weed and doughnuts. It called glazed and confused.

Studies say weed can cause multiple personality disorder I think that’s stupid

A female janitor at my building asked me if I wanted to smoke some weed with her I declined, I can't deal with high maintenance women

I had a dream I smoked weed It was laid back

What happens when you smoke weed from a saxophone? You get a high note

An Arabic women was once arrested for smoking weed She was stoned

What do you call a group of weed smokers? A joint family.

I'm giving up smoking weed for a year. That's not right.

I'm giving up, smoking weed for a year.

Why is the resale market for weed so great? It’s all about buy low, sell high ;)

Making Lunch Hey Dad, my sandwich fits exactly inside a weed bag!!..

if i have a prescription for medicinal marijuana do i have the need for weed

My spine hurts every time I smoke weed I have joint issues

With cannabis being legal for over a year in canada, every province has access to weed except Quebec. They only get oui'd

Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm? Because lightning strikes the highest object.

I had an ounce of weed last week :) But I lost it in a series of small fires. :(

The cops confiscated all my brownies at a bake sale. Jokes on them, the weed was in the apple pie.

I do a magic show making weed and cocaine disappear It's all just smoke and mirrors

Why did the chicken cross the road? Weed eater.

*gets pulled iver* cop: we got a call that you had pot in your car

me: *pulls out flower pot* oh you mean this?

cop: *laughing my mistake, what are you growing

me: weed

I just saw Pennywise smoke weed for the first time. He said It blows.

Fred Flintstone asks Wilma if she has any weed left. She says "no, but I have some wax if you want a hit. He replies, "yeah, a dab'll do."

What do you call a king who loves weed Your highness

Man goes to meet his drug dealer, He asks him if he has anything to fix his stiff joints.

The dealer gives him his usual baggie of weed and says " Don't roll them so hard next time"

French people don’t smoke weed They smoke oui’d

What happens if you smoke weed in Saudi Arabia? You get stoned

How do you make a marshmallow? Give it weed

If Walter White made weed instead of meth... It would be called Breaking Bud.

Long Weed Jokes

The committee came up with a new method to weed out the racists

The committee decided to kick all of the racist people out of its board. So they gathered all the members to a meeting and they presented them a slew of racist jokes. Any member who was caught smiling or laughing was deemed racist and were expelled from the group.

As the jokes got more and more racist, more people can't hold back their laughter. The hall began to empty, until there was only one man left.

"Sir, I'm glad to say you were the only one who didn't laugh at the racist jokes," the chairman said.

"Jokes?", the man said. "I thought they were facts."

Teacher: What do you do after school?

1st Student: I go and buy weed from Yakobo
2nd Student: I always go and buy cigarettes from Yakobo.
3rd Student: I go and buy cocaine from Yakobo.
4th Student: I always stay at home and do my homework.
Teacher: You are a great student, I hereby appoint you as the class monitor. You are a good example to other students. What's your name?
4th Student: Yakobo

A policeman catches a man with some weed in his pocket

"You're going to jail for all that marijuana in your pocket!" the policeman stated.

"But officer, this weed isn't mine. It keeps appearing in my pocket every time I flush it down the toilet." the man replied.

"Oh, really? This I gotta see. If you can prove it, you're free to go!" the policeman challenged.

The man takes all the marijuana out of his pocket and puts it in the toilet. He then pulls the handle and watches it go down the drain. Several minutes go by and nothing happens.

"Why hasn't the weed appeared back in your pocket?" the policeman asked.

"What weed?"

A monkey claims that he has the best weed in the world.

A lizard notices a monkey sitting in a tree smoking a joint. He calls up, "Hey, monkey! What are you doing?"

"I'm smoking the best weed in the world," replies the monkey.

"I doubt it," says the lizard. The monkey invites him to the top of the tree to try it. The lizard takes a few puffs and concedes that it really is amazing weed! After a few more puffs he gets very thirsty. He tells the monkey that he'll be back after a quick drink and stumbles off to the river.

At the river he is so stoned and uncoordinated that he falls in. An alligator sees him and pushes him back onto shore with his nose. He then asks, "What is wrong with you?"

The lizard tells him, "Oh, the monkey up in that tall tree has the best weed in the world."

The gator goes to the tall tree to see for himself. "Hey, monkey!" he calls. The monkey opens his eyes wide and says, "How much water did you drink, man?"

There's a monkey sitting up In a tree with a big ole smile on his face

Down on the jungle floor a gecko passes by the tree and sees the monkey up there smiling real big and calls up to him and says "Hey monkey! Why you smiling so big??" The monkey calls down and says "I got this great weed, gecko! Come on up you can have some." So the gecko climbs his way up the tree and smokes some of the monkeys weed and now they're both sitting up there smiling real big. After a minute the gecko says "Hey monkey, I'm a bit thirsty. Have you got something to drink?" The monkey says "no I don't but the river is just down there to the left. You can go and get yourself a cool drink from it." So the gecko climbs down and starts making his way to the river. As he is about to take a drink he sees an alligator off to his right. The alligator comes over to the gecko and says "Hey gecko, why you got that big smile on your face?" And the gecko says "you need to go see the monkey in that tree over there." So the alligator makes his way over to the tree and yells up "Hey monkey!" And the monkey looks down and yells " DAMN, GECKO!! HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK??!"

Based on an urban myth: Two guys were smoking weed one late evening

Not being in the best state for great decisions, they figured they wanted to go for a ride to pick up some food. However, as they came to the first roundabout one guy said, let's go for an extra round. Sure, said the other and off they went.

"You know what would be even better?"


"Going backwards, of course."

So they went backwards around the roundabout. Several times. Then the inevitable happens and they ran straight into another car. Although there is no major damage to either car, they try to think about what to do. Not being in their best state, they don't manage to get away before the cops turn up at the scene. The officer goes to the car they hit and have a chat before he comes to their car:

"Just carry on lads. This guy is so drunk he claims you were going backwards."

Topical Jokes for 10/9

(for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host)

In Indiana, a pizza delivery man received a $1,200 tip from college students. College officials applauded the act of charity, until they realized the “pizza” was just a box with $1,200 dollars worth of weed in it.

To thwart corruption, traffic police in Thailand will now receive a bonus if they refuse bribes. The plan affects all levels of Thailand police, from the street-level Bribe Solicitor, to Director of Bribes, all the way up to Bribe King.

…the anti-corruption program will be funded by confiscated bribes.

Lawmakers have approved $700 million dollars to help fight Ebola. The lawmakers announced the news from inside their $700 million dollar Ebola-proof bunker.

In North Korea, Kim Jong-Un has not made a public appearance for several weeks. Kim’s unexplained absence has sparked rumors in the state-run media that everything is totally fine.

A monkey was smoking weed

sitting on a tree. A lizard spots and asks what he's upto. The monkey says he's smoking the **best weed in the world**. The lizard climbs up excitedly and shares the joint with the monkey. After a while the lizard starts feeling thirsty, so the monkey pointed him to the river. The lizard climbs down the tree and goes to the river to get a drink.

Because lizard was high he trips and falls in the river. An alligator spots him and helps him to the shore, and asks what is wrong with him. The lizard, right before passing out, tells the alligator about the monkey and the **best weed in the world**. The alligator decides to check this stuff out and goes where the monkey was. He spots the monkey and shouts, "HEY! MONKEY!"

The monkey's eyes go wide as he spots the alligator, and then he says...."WHAAAAT THE FUCCCKKKK BROOOO! HOW MUCH WATER DID YOU DRINK??!!"

The monkey and the lizard

A lizard was walking through the jungle one day when he spotted a monkey up in a tree. The lizard called, "Hey Monkey, what are you doing up there?" to which the monkey replied, "Dude, I'm smoking pot...wanna join me?" The lizard agrees, and he and the monkey spend the next few hours getting stoned into an oblivion. After a while, the lizard says, "I'm so parched, man. I'm gonna head to the river to get a drink." After fumbling his way down the tree and to the riverbank, he leans forward to get a drink and ends up slipping into the water. An alligator spots him flapping around in the river and carries him to the shore. The alligator says, "What are you doing, man?! You could have gotten killed!" The lizard explains that he's been smoking weed for hours with the monkey, and the alligator is like, "A stoned monkey? I gotta see this." He waddles over to the tree the lizard pointed out and calls up, "Hey Monkey!" The monkey looks down and stares at the alligator for a moment through red glazed eyes then says, "Fffffffuuuckkk duuuuudddde, how much water did you drink?!?"

So god asked 3 guys...

Three men die and end up meeting god.

God greets each of them personally and says their hellos. God then asks each one of them an important question.

"Each of you must choose one thing to have in a room for a thousand years. Choose wisely."

God asks the first man..."I want all the booze I can have god!" His wish is granted.

God asks the second man..."I want all the women in the world god!" His wish is granted.

God asks the third man..."I want all the weed in the world!" His wish is granted.

1000 years go by.

The first man stumbles out falling left and right with a giant bottle of beer in his hand.

The second man comes out looking exhausted yet satisfied.

The third man is curled in the fetal position in the corner of the room, rocking back and forth. God comes over to him and asks him what's wrong.

"Can I have a light."

The FBI made a big marijuana bust recently.

The took the approximately 2 tons of weed to a landfill and had it incinerated. However, the EPA stepped in and showed concern for the multitude of seagulls flying overhead. You know what their study discovered? That there was no tern left unstoned.

the cure for stealing

There is a pastor in a small town who is displeased to discover that someone has stolen his bicycle. It is a small town so he does not own a car and uses his bike to get everywhere. But more upsetting is the fact that he knows everyone in town, since they are all members of his congregation, and he cannot figure out who would have stolen his prized possession.

He is still stewing about this during the church elder meeting and not sure what to do when one of his deacons comes up with a suggestion.

"This Sunday, why don't you preach on the Ten Commandments and when you get to the command 'Thou shall not steal' you can rain down the fire and brimstone and preach so convincingly that the thief will be overcome with guilt and repent of their sin and return your bike?" Says deacon Jones. Everyone agrees that this is a great plan.

On Sunday, the church is full and the pastor goes about his plan. He is going strong but halfway through his sermon, he changes topics and starts preaching about grace and forgiveness. After the service is over and all the people have filed out of the church, deacon Jones comes over to the pastor and says, "What happened? I thought you were going to preach heavily on stealing to weed out our thief."

The pastor replies, "Well, I was. But then I got to the commandment 'Thou shall not commit adultery' and I suddenly remembered where I left my bike."

I live in a non-legal state and I recently found a little baggie of weed in the parking lot outside my workplace. Since drugs are illegal and I am a good and responsible citizen, I immediately took the bag home and destroyed the weed

... in a series of small fires.

I used to smoke weed with a nun

One day we were blazing and she confessed to me that she always wore the same robe whenever she smoked weed. She said as soon as she finished smoking she'd go straight home, wash it, and hide it in the back of her closet.

I guess you could say she was ashamed of her drug habit.

So farmer Bob had a rivalry with farmer Jim.

They were both cattle farmers but Jim's herd was much larger and fatter, and his meat went for much more money. So bob started looking for a way to bulk up his cows. He started experimenting. Eventually he discovered that feeding them marijuana made them grow exponentially, while also making them more docile and hungrier. Hearing of his rivals success, Jim immediately went to the police and disclosed to them Bob's revolutionary but illegal new method. While standing on trial Bob told the judge that the beef from his weed enhanced cows was the most delicious meat on the world. The judge, liking red meat as much as the next guy, demanded to taste it. So Bob slaughtered a steer and grilled up a cut for the judge. Upon tasting it, the judge immediately found Bob not guilty. Later, at a barbecue to celebrate his victory, bob and the judge were discussing his trial. The judge said, "I've presided over thousands of really stressful trials, but in your case, the steaks have never been higher!"

A bird and weed story

In the 1970s, law enforcement officers on the California coast would gather all the confiscated marijuana plants and burn them in a giant incinerator. Terns would fly overhead and inhale the fumes. At the end of the day, they found that no terns were left unstoned.

A teacher asks the class,"What do you do after school, kids?"

Anthony says "I buy weed from Yakobo"

Emily says "I buy booze from Yakobo"

Shaun says "I buy cocaine from Yakobo"

The teacher definitely didn't want to hear this type of responses, so she asks another random kid whom she didn't know that well.

"I complete my homework" he says.

Pleased, the teacher says "very good! What's your name, child?"

"I'm Yakobo"

Koale who smokes weed

Long time ago there was a Koala. Sitting on top of his tree where he's always chilling. But today it's different. He is bored as f*ck. So out of boredom he rolled a blunt,

After smoking for like 5 minutes, a lizzard shows up passing by the tree. "Wait, I know that smell. Hey! Watcha doing?" he said while looking up. "Smoking some weed because I"m bored man. U wanna join me mate?" "Sure!" said the lizzard as he climbed up and up untill he reached the Koala.

20 minutes has passed. The lizzard said, after he laughed at a joke koala told: "Damn I'm so thirsthy. Do u have any water?" "Sure" said the koala. "Just go down, Then go to your right there about the 10th tree on your left. There's a lake with plenty of water." "Thanks!" said the lizzard as he climbed down the tree and searched for the lake."

He's really enjoying the water as he drank. But then! The unexpected happend. He fell in the water! Unable to swim, he almost drowned. A big crocodile who saw what happend jumped in the water to save the little lizzard. "DUDE! U know u can't swim, what are u doing here in the water?" "I"m so sorry but i was smoking weed with my koala friend, and I got thursty so I went for a drink." "Weed?" asked the aligater. And where is this koala bear? "Oh he is over there. about 10 trees further then to your left."

The koala, smoking his last little bit of weed, looks down an sees the crocodile. "Goddamn, How much water did u drank?"

Euclid as a teenager

Back in his youthful days, Euclid was sitting around drawing circles with other nerdy Greek kids like he always would. One day, one of the edgier kiddos brought along some weed.

"I conjecture that if we light it up, we will be as high as Mount Olympus!"

"We must make sure to distribute it evenly based on each of our relative body mass and desire for doobies."

They start calculating the mass of weed and how to distribute it, when Euclid's mom comes to check on them.

"Is that the dank smell of weed?"

"It's not weed! It's just a cig-ma!"

(I'm so sorry)

A man walks into a library

And says to the librarian "Hi! I would like an 8 ball of coke and an ounce of weed please."

The librarian says "Sir, this is a library!"

The man says "Sorry" and then leans in closely and whispers " I would like an 8 ball of coke and an ounce of weed please."

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