Weed Jokes

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Funniest Weed Jokes

Obama smoked weed growing up, and now look where he is today Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted

Score: 21255

Today I was invited by a female janitor to smoke some weed at her apartment, but i politley declined. I can’t deal with high maintenance women.

Score: 19757

The female janitor in my building asked if I would smoke some weed with her. I said no; I can't deal with high maintenance women.

Score: 15809

Caveman discovers weed Caveman discovers fire

Stone age begins

Score: 13945

A female janitor at my building asked me if i wanted to smoke some weed with her. I politely declined- I can't deal with high maintenance women.

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Funny Weed Jokes
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I used to smoke weed and go to the class... Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.

I was the best teacher ever.

Score: 6669

The Quran is like weed Burn it and you get stoned.

Score: 4439

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her... I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

Score: 2499

I used to illegally give weed to my prize winning cows, but I had to stop. The steaks were too high.

Score: 1930

Didn't Snoop Dogg change his name? Or was Snoop Lyin'?

Edit: Just in case the king sees this, I got mad respect for you Dogg. Smoke weed everyday.

(His grandmother passed away recently, I'm just trying to be nice people.)

Score: 1566

What kind of weed do reptiles smoke? Mariguana.

Score: 1489

I used to smoke weed and go to class... Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.

I was the best teacher ever.

Score: 1149

The police say that they burn all the weed they confiscate... That would explain the doughnuts...

Score: 982

I was about to smoke weed with a couple cute Mexican girls... I asked them if they had papers. They immediately ran off.

Score: 978

My neighbor just got arrested for growing weed in his back yard. Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought it was.

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The Quran is like weed If you burn it you get stoned.

Score: 899

Two midgets are sitting around, bored... When one of them pulls out some weed and asks:

"Wanna get medium?"

Score: 890

What's the difference between smoking weed and burning the koran? If you burn the koran, you can only get stoned once.

Score: 841

I like to call my weed "the Quran" Because burning it will get you stoned.

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Marijuana and coffee are my favorite combination. They're the reason ice mocha lot of weed

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Studies have shown that smoking weed causes short term memory loss. Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

Score: 548

I stopped smoking weed the day after I spent 30minutes looking for my phone under the bed... ....while using my phone's flashlight

Score: 496

My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was

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I was gonna smoke weed with this Mexican girl Until I asked her for some papers and she ran off.

Score: 244

What do you call a guy with a plant fetish? A Weed Whacker.

Score: 237

The janitor in my apartment complex asked me if I wanted to smoke some weed with her. I said no. I can't deal with a high maintenance woman.

Score: 202

So today is 4/20 4/20 is national weed day, 4/21 is national surprise drug test day and 4/22 is national unemployment day

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The Quran is like weed You burn it and you get stoned

Score: 174

My friend lives in Colorado and wanted to start growing weed on his cow farm. I told him it wasn’t a good idea. The steaks would be too high.

Score: 161

If weed becomes legalized after Snoop Dog dies He'll be rolling in his grave

Score: 159

What happens if you smoke weed in a musilm country? Simple, you get stoned twice

Score: 139

Obama smoked weed growing up and look where he is today Unemployed, with two kids and recently evicted

Score: 134

When I drink too much alcohol I’m called an alcoholic, but when I smoke a lot of weed no one calls me...
Or texts me... or talks to me... I’m very lonely.

Score: 132

The janitor of my apartment building asked if I wanted to smoke some weed with her I told her no. I can't stand high maintenance women.

Score: 131

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her I said no thanks, I can't handle high maintenance women

Score: 130

In honor of 420 tomorrow, here's a weed joke. Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

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A cop drives past my open garage in California, and notices my plants and grow lamps. He stops and shouts, “You better not be growing weed with those lamps!” “You’re gonna need at least twice the wattage and a lot more room!”

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Research has shown that smoking weed causes short term memory loss. Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

Score: 99

My Grandmother found and flushed my weed so, I hid her weelchair...... Now neither of us are rolling

Score: 89

All three of my uncles used to grow weed together It was a joint effort.

Score: 89

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New Weed Jokes

Picked up a new weed strain last week in Oregon ... ... Makes your eyes red, throat burn and the cough is rough, its kind of dry, it's called NW Natural Disaster.

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What do you call dirt that has weed growing in it? The high ground.

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Grandma took my weed so i took her wheelchair Neither of us rolling now

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What do you call weed you bought from a southeast Asian dictator on 4chan? /Pol/ pot

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Man, I can never take free weed from my best friend bc i will always be in doubt that Rick rolled it

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I sell my weed fast Call it insta gram

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If you smoke weed before an eating contest You're technically on performance enhancing drugs

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My wife and I caught our teenage son with weed so we decided to play good cop bad cop I shot him in the back while she just looked the other way

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What’s a stoner’s favorite blue-collar job? Weed eating

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What app gets weed the fastest? Insta**gram**

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I would like to buy some weed Me: I would like to buy some weed

Seller: *whispers* An ounce?

Me: sure.... LADIES AND GENTLEMEN I WOULD LIKE TO BUY SOME WEED

Score: 5

There's not enough shelf space for this. Chappelle's
Enlightenment Beer

with weed flavoring.

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What do you call a spud high on weed A baked potato

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Weed doesn’t make you irresponsible, Like I said yesterday I’ll clean my room tomorrow

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I hate those human verification boxes If I wanted to get treated like a robot I’d sell weed

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I dropped my weed in the BBQ while BBQing The steaks have never been higher.

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I was smoking some new weed with my buddies and they were all disappointed with how stoned they got. I guess that's what happens when you have high expectations.

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What is a mexican fish's favorite weed? Si weed

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Our janitor invited me to chill out and smoke some weed in her apartment, but I declined. I cannot deal with high maintenance women.

Score: 74

A group of stoner farmers wanted to come up with their own variation of “grass fed beef.” So, they fed cows weed and then sold the beef. It was a high steaks operation.

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The weed war The warriors marched in

With blunts in hand they attacked

This is a high coup

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The female janitor at my workplace asked me if I would chill and smoke some weed with her. I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women.

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I’d recommend investing in Weed Wacker companies... They work on cutting edge technology

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In health a cop asked what to do if your brother was smoking weed while the parents left the house I responded hide the snacks (he started cracking up)

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2 weed smokers were sitting in a room mad at each other, the tension was high .

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You know that you’re at the highest point in your life... ...when you’re smoking weed on Mount Everest.

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I got caught smoking weed in Saudi Arabia once. I was stoned.

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Studies show that if you smoke weed you are less likely to get sick. Because of your high gene.

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Dracula decides to target people who smoke weed He tells the other vampires to search for them. "Find them all, look everywhere, leave no stoner unturned"

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What did obi-wan Konobe say to Anakin on a weed farm? It's over Anakin, I have the high ground.

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As my father and I shared some weed I told him all the great things about my wife. I was speaking highly of her.

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Bernie told me to be the change I want to see on this country So I’m adding taxes to all my weed sales

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My cow ate all my weed The steaks have never been higher

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What do you call some weed in a pride parade? Transplant

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Miget smoking(Offensive?) If a miget smokes weed does he get high or medium?

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Weed Is A Gateway Drug The only thing weed is a gateway to is my fridge

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The homeowner's association keeps telling me I need to cut the grass. I appreciate the concern, but I haven't smoked since high school, when I mowed lawns for weed money.

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I’m never smoking weed with a Mexican anymore I asked him if he had papers and he just ran away

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Marijuana and coffee are my favorite combination. They're the reason ice mocha a lot of weed

Score: 64

I'm opening a dispensary that sells weed and doughnuts It's called "Glazed and Confused"

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If smoking weed affects memory loss... then what does smoking weed do?

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I’m opening a dispensary that sells weed and doughnuts. It called glazed and confused.

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Studies say weed can cause multiple personality disorder I think that’s stupid

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A female janitor at my building asked me if I wanted to smoke some weed with her I declined, I can't deal with high maintenance women

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I had a dream I smoked weed It was laid back

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What happens when you smoke weed from a saxophone? You get a high note

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An Arabic women was once arrested for smoking weed She was stoned

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What do you call a group of weed smokers? A joint family.

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I'm giving up smoking weed for a year. That's not right.

I'm giving up, smoking weed for a year.

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Why is the resale market for weed so great? It’s all about buy low, sell high ;)

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Making Lunch Hey Dad, my sandwich fits exactly inside a weed bag!!..

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if i have a prescription for medicinal marijuana do i have the need for weed

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My spine hurts every time I smoke weed I have joint issues

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With cannabis being legal for over a year in canada, every province has access to weed except Quebec. They only get oui'd

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2 brothers open a weed shop. It was a joint effort.

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Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm? Because lightning strikes the highest object.

Score: 50

I had an ounce of weed last week :) But I lost it in a series of small fires. :(

Score: 12

The cops confiscated all my brownies at a bake sale. Jokes on them, the weed was in the apple pie.

Score: 6

I do a magic show making weed and cocaine disappear It's all just smoke and mirrors

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Why did the chicken cross the road? Weed eater.

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*gets pulled iver* cop: we got a call that you had pot in your car

me: *pulls out flower pot* oh you mean this?

cop: *laughing my mistake, what are you growing

me: weed

Score: 2

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