Weed Jokes


Funniest Weed Jokes

Obama smoked weed growing up, and now look where he is today Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted

Score: 21255

Cowboys don’t roll joints. They tumble weed.

Score: 9882
Funny Weed Jokes
Score: 9596

The Quran is like weed Burn it and you get stoned.

Score: 4439

I used to illegally give weed to my prize winning cows, but I had to stop. The steaks were too high.

Score: 1930

Why don't men in the Middle East smoke weed? Only women get stoned.

Score: 1841

Didn't Snoop Dogg change his name? Or was Snoop Lyin'?

Edit: Just in case the king sees this, I got mad respect for you Dogg. Smoke weed everyday.

(His grandmother passed away recently, I'm just trying to be nice people.)

Score: 1566

What kind of weed do reptiles smoke? Mariguana.

Score: 1489

Being on a United Airlines flight is like smoking weed. You take a hit, then a long drag and soon you wake up not knowing where you are.

Score: 1064

The police say that they burn all the weed they confiscate... That would explain the doughnuts...

Score: 982

I was about to smoke weed with a couple cute Mexican girls... I asked them if they had papers. They immediately ran off.

Score: 978

Two midgets are sitting around, bored... When one of them pulls out some weed and asks:

"Wanna get medium?"

Score: 890

The Quran is like weed If you burn it you get stoned.

Score: 866

What's the difference between smoking weed and burning the koran? If you burn the koran, you can only get stoned once.

Score: 841

Studies have shown that smoking weed causes short term memory loss. Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

Score: 548

I stopped smoking weed the day after I spent 30minutes looking for my phone under the bed... ....while using my phone's flashlight

Score: 496

When midgets smoke weed... ...do they get high, or do they just get medium?

Score: 354

I was gonna smoke weed with this Mexican girl Until I asked her for some papers and she ran off.

Score: 244

My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed. Turns out my property line is nowhere near where I thought it was.

Score: 243

What do you call a guy with a plant fetish? A Weed Whacker.

Score: 237

What does the Quran have in common with weed? Burn it and you get stoned

Score: 223

Wow I got all this for free today. iPhone, some weed, and $2 000 ... it’s like this gun is magic!

Score: 210

The janitor in my apartment complex asked me if I wanted to smoke some weed with her. I said no. I can't deal with a high maintenance woman.

Score: 202

So today is 4/20 4/20 is national weed day, 4/21 is national surprise drug test day and 4/22 is national unemployment day

Score: 182

The Quran is like weed You burn it and you get stoned

Score: 174

My friend lives in Colorado and wanted to start growing weed on his cow farm. I told him it wasn’t a good idea. The steaks would be too high.

Score: 161

If weed becomes legalized after Snoop Dog dies He'll be rolling in his grave

Score: 159

"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?" "Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

Score: 148

What happens if you smoke weed in a musilm country? Simple, you get stoned twice

Score: 139

Obama smoked weed growing up and look where he is today Unemployed, with two kids and recently evicted

Score: 134

I smoked weed with a couple of cows near a police station. The steaks were really high.

Score: 27

I smoked weed with a couple cows near a police station a few days ago. The steaks were really high

Score: 24

For this New Years resolution I'm not going to smoke any more weed. But I'm not gonna smoke any less either.

Score: 23

A musician died while smoking weed from a dollar bill... At least he went out on a high note

Score: 23

What do you call a pioneer smoking weed? A trail blazer.

Score: 20

I was about to smoke weed with a Mexican girl... Until I asked her if she had papers, she immediately ran off.

Score: 18

What do you call a spud that smokes weed? A baked potato

Score: 18

I used to smoke weed in the 90's Now I don't care what temperature it is

Score: 17

My dad and I thought about making a pun today. But weed probably offend people.

Score: 16

Weed is like a Koran You burn it until you get stoned

Score: 16

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New Weed Jokes

What do you get when you cross a dog and a bag of weed? A dooberman.

Score: 3

What game do cows play after smoking weed? High steaks poker

Score: 3

Why was the teenager arrested in Wal-Mart after asking if they sold protective coverings to use while smoking weed? When asked why he came in, he said he needed to “case the joint.”

Score: 3

I killed some one with some weed. One could say it was blunt force trauma.

Score: 4

Local Barber shop owner busted for selling weed... I had no idea he was a barber.

Score: 2

What do you call a group of Indians smoking weed? A Hindu Kush

I am not sorry

Score: 2

What does Osama bin Laden call his weed? The Quran because burning it gets you stoned

Score: 6

It is very hard for me to get in touch with my dealer ship... Maybe that old sea captain isn't the best person to buy weed from.

Score: 3

Who do Mexican people who love weed marry?? They Marry Juana

Score: 2

What do you call a drug addict who likes anime? Weed-a-boo

Score: 4

What do you get when somebody smuggles weed into the special ed classroom? Baked potatoes.

Score: 2

If you had to choose one superpower to have forever please legalize weed if it's Russia. Thanks in advance.

Score: 6

2 girls meet: "Me & my husband are no longer together... 2 girls meet:
"Me & my husband are no longer together..."
"Well, could you live with a person who smokes weed, drinks, has no job and always cusses?"
"No, of course I couldn't!"
"Well he couldn't either!"

Score: 3

Wow, somebody actually died from smoking too much weed His cause of death was "Blunt Force Trauma"

Score: 7

What do you get when you cross a dandelion with soil infused with tetrahydrocannabinol? Weed.

Score: 2

Weed ain't a drug, its a plant. Therefore I'm not a drug dealer, I'm a florist

Score: 10

I'm on a seaweed diet I see weed i smoke it

Score: 2

I call my weed the Quran. Becuase burning it will get you stoned.

Score: 3

My friend and I were in the car the other day and I said I smelled weed. He said 'It's just a skunk' Can you believe it? He thought a skunk was smoking weed.

Score: 13

What do you call a lizard high on weed? A Mariguana.

Score: 4

So a psychic midget smoked some weed... He was a short high medium.

Score: 4

Hey guys I am making a group where we can share and promote smoking weed We shall be called the Joint Forces

Score: 7

What does weed and the Quran have in common? If you burn either one, you'll get stoned.

Score: 8

When I drink I think about the past, when I smoke weed I think about the future. When I'm drunk and stoned it's like back to the future.

Score: 2

I call my weed "The Quran" Because when you smoke it, you get stoned!

Score: 3

Why does Obi Wan Kenobi smoke weed? Cause he is on the high ground

Score: 8

What do you call a janitor who smokes weed? High maintenance.

Score: 3

What do you call a bunch of witches getting together to smoke weed? Easy Bake coven

Score: 7

Did you hear about the politician who sold American weed to Russian spies? He was convicted of high treason.

Score: 8

I lost all my weed in a series of small fires.

Score: 5

Why do first graders make terrible gardeners? Because they can't weed.

Score: 4

I smoked weed with a couple of cows near the police station. The steaks were really high.

Score: 5

What do you call a Saudi woman who smokes weed? Stoned

Score: 3

What is the difference between burning the Quran and smoking weed? You only get stoned once after burning the Quran.

Score: 3

What's the difference between a weed and a lion in drag? One is a dandelion and one is a dandy lion!

Score: 5

Why was the sand wet? Because the sea-weed.

*First joke my 4 year old son learnt

Score: 11

Decided to use guitar strings in my weed eater... But now my yard seems a little flat.

Score: 2

What do you call alligator weed? Croc-pot

Score: 3

What do you call some that dies while smoking weed? Stoned to death.

Score: 4

What do you call it when an autistic kid smokes weed? Baked Potato

Score: 2

Why did the lighter smoke weed? He wanted to become a high-lighter.

Score: 4

I gave some autistic kids weed... And now I have baked potatoes.

Score: 4

When short people smoke weed, they don't get high They get medium

Score: 3

Holes of Weed If I fill a hole with weed,
Is it a "pot-hole"?

Score: 3

They're now growing marijuana underneath the ocean I guess they'll call it..."sea-weed"!

Score: 4

The way a bright light shows how much dust is in my room, Weed does that with my insecurities

Score: 2

Someone pressured me into smoking weed one time and it still scares me to this day I call it blunt force trauma

Score: 5

Weed is not harmless. Think of another drug that causes white guys to grow dreadlocks and become rappers.

Score: 2

I hear jews don't use weed I guess they don't like getting baked.

Score: 8

My buddy smokes weed for his epilepsy He'd have a fit if he ran out!

Score: 12

Colorado keeps advertising their legalised weed through the media... I'm fed up of seeing all that propaganja.

Score: 6

I brought weed and poker chips to my family reunion last week. Apparently I missed the memo on what a "potluck dinner" was.

Score: 3

Did you hear about the obscenely hard gardening class required for botany majors? It was said to be a weed out class

Score: 2

This guy in Japan was trying to get me to help him score some weed... ... he kept pointing at a map and going: "Toke, yo? Toke, yo?".

Score: 2

I got a new job growing weed. It's the Kush-iest job I've ever had.

Score: 3

My friend was stressed before a party. "Why is my weed dealer *always* late, but my coke dealer early?" he said.

"Your coke dealer is the faster driver," I replied. "And the weed dealer is probably still laughing at the gear stick."

Score: 2

I found some good cookie recipes with weed the other day. Then I was like, "That's a weird place to keep cookie recipes".

Score: 9

Snoop Dogg recently announced the he doesn't smoke weed any more But he also doesn't smoke any less.

Score: 5

What do you get when you mix a Puerto Rican with a goat?? A weed eater that doesn't work.

Score: 2

A couple of guys threw rocks at me for smoking weed in public. I was stoned.

Score: 6

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