Spider Jokes

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Funniest Spider Jokes

My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.

My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it So we went out and had some drinks.

Cool guy.

Wants to be a web developer.

Funny Spider Jokes

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.... We went and had a few drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web developer.

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of kill it. We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.

What was Spider Man's major in college? Web Design.

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

Wife asked me to take out a spider instead of killing it... So I did, hit a few bars, dude is cool, wants to go into web design.

Her: “baby, undress me with your words” Me: “there’s a spider on your bra”

I once met a spider from Baghdad... He was an Iraqnid.

Please pray for my wife.... A spider bit her on the forehead and she is now in the E.R. They said she almost died.
Lucky for her, I was near and hit the spider as hard as I could with a bat right when it bit her.

My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.... We went out and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer

SHE: Undress me with your words... HE: There's a spider in your bra.

My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead if killing it. We had some drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web developer.

My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had a few drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer

Two spiders are at another spiders funeral. "Peter was the most gentle spider I ever knew. He wouldn't hurt a fly."

"Yeah, that's true. Do you know what he died from?"

"Starvation."

My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web developer

My daughter told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. He wants to be a web developer.

I asked my wife for a newspaper. She said not to be daft and to borrow her iPad. That spider didn't know what hit it.

I asked my wife for the newspaper I said to my wife, "Get me a newspaper."

"Don't be silly," she replied, "you can borrow my iPad."

The spider didn't see that coming.

My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing. We went and had drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe... I don’t care how big a spider is, no-one steals my shoe...

A spider crawled into my keyboard earlier. It's okay, I've got him under Ctrl.

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it... We went out for a few drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him. Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.

My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.. We had some drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web developer.

What did the nervous spider say to the audience? "Forgive me guys, but I've got butterflies in my stomach."

Newspaper and IPAD I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. "Don't be silly", she replied. "Borrow my iPad." .... That spider didn't knew what f***ing hit it.

Mother told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. Went for a few drinks, pretty cool guy actually. Wants to be a web developer.

So a spider just crawled onto my keyboard But don't worry I think it's under ctrl.

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.. We went and had some drinks. Nice guy. Wants to be a web developer.

The worst thing about being bitten by a poisonous spider is... You're probably Australian

What do you call a spider from Baghdad? An Iraqnid.

She said "undress me with your words" So I replied by saying "there's a spider in your bra".

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

A spider crawled on my computer Don’t worry, it’s under ctrl

How does Peter Parker keep track of the number of arachnids in any given neighborhood? He uses his spider census.

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New Spider Jokes

Spider bite created Spiderman. What would a dog's bite create? Doberman.

My pet spider got sick today I checked his symptoms on WebMD

A spider crawled on my computer Don't worry it's under CTRL

A man is eating at a restaurant, when he notices there's a spider in his soup. He calls over the waiter and complains. "I'm deeply sorry, sir" the waiter replies "but the fly asked to take the day off".

What do you call Spider Man when he climbs walls? Peter Parkour.

Just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe. Don’t care how big a spider thinks it is... ...nothing steals *my* shoe!!

Saw a massive spider in my room earlier Named him Cotton Eye Joe, because I want to know two things...where did he come from and where did he go?!

People are so misunderstood about spider webs.. They think it’s like silk, but it snot

“There’s a spider up there.” “Don’t kill it. It’s not hurting anyone.”
“Do you want to take it outside?”
“Okay, kill it then, arsehole!”

What is doflamingo? Evil spider man.

Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock. Who's there ? A spider

Why would a spider be good at Microsoft? It’s a good web builder.

Quarantine going good so far I met a spider last night. Pretty cool guy. Talked to him a bit, he said he works as web designer.

How does a spider network? *logs into web*

Struck up a conversation with a spider today at home while dusting. Seems nice. He's a web designer

Day 8 of quarantine Talked to a spider living under my bed today. Seems like a cool guy. Told me he wants to be a web designer.

I saw a spider today Instead of throwing him outside, I started to talk to him.

"What do you do for a job" I asked

"I'm a Web designer " he responded.

I was bored, and I found a spider on the wall. So, I started to talk to him. He said he was a web developer.

Day 3 of quarantine Struck up A conversation today with a spider at home whilst dusting. he's actually a really cool guy. found out he's a web designer.

Why was Peter parker promoted in his IT job? Because ever since the spider bit him he became the best at web designing

This happend I told my teenage niece to get me a newspaper
So she replied with 'your so old just use my phone"
So I took her phone and slammed it onto the wall to kill a spider

a spider in my room reminded me of cotton eye joe Where did he come from and where did he go?

My mom told me to take the spider out instead of killing him I took him out. we had a few drinks. He's a web designer.

What did Deadpool say to Spider Man? "Don't bug me."

I named my wife's wild mouth after spider man Peter Parker

Why did the spider crawl to a computer? To check it's website....

Yeah my 4 yr old just told me this.

Spider-Man Found a spider in the bathroom and my wife asked me to take it out, rather than kill it. So we went out. Had a few beers. Nice guy, actually. He's a web designer.

My Girlfriend told me to take the spider out We went out cool guy wants to be a web designer

a spider a snake and a kangaroo walked into a bar it was a normal day in australia

I’m coming out of the closet Because there’s a big scary spider in here.

A shark, crocodile, and a giant spider walk into a bar There’s no punchline, it’s just a normal day in Australia

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. Went out. Had a few drinks. He's a nice guy. He's a web designer.

Today my wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it in the house So we went out, had a few drinks, he's a pretty chill guy and he's a web designer

The bigass spider in my room is now called Cotton eye Joe Because I want to know two things:

Where did he come from

Where did he go

My fiance told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. Went out we had some drinks he's a nice guy. He's a web designer.

How did the spider that sat down beside Miss Muffett celebrate Christmas? Laughing all the whey!

Why spider are the most needy animals in the world? Because their are arachneeds

This spider bit a kid and it gave him super speed... Cause he died really fast.

My friend rip me this joke and I can’t stop laughing Lawyer: my client is stuck in a penny

Judge: what

Lawyer: he is in a cent

Judge: he is in a cent?

Lawyer and client leave the courtroom doing the joker and spider man dance

What do you call a spider with a cocaine addiction... An acracknid

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Long Spider Jokes

My dad's favourite joke. Mine too.

There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings.

At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The man himself wandered on stage and silenced the murmurs.

'Today I will demonstrate two things. The first being that spiders can understand and respond to basic commands.'

The crowd laughed and jeered but undeterred he opened a box on his desk and a spider crawled out.

'Spider, walk left'

The spider moved to its left. The crowd was silenced.

'Spider, move right.'

The spider moved right. The crowd gasped. Forward, backward, the spider responded again and again. The crowd applauded in awe.

The scientist then removed all of the spider's legs. The crowd, confused by this, watched in silence.

'Move left'

The spider didn't move.

'Move right'

Nothing. Forward, backward, no response.

'This is to demonstrate my second finding. Once you remove a spider's legs, it goes deaf.'

An ant, a spider, and a centipede are holding a party.

The ant realizes that they are running low on beer. He offers to head out to buy some more beers. The centipede says, "No, let me do it. You'd take too long. I have a lot more legs than you - I can do it faster!" The bugs agree.

10 minutes pass... Then 20 minutes, then 30, then more. The spider asks, "What's taking him so long?" The ant decides to head out to investigate. He opens the front door and sees the centipede outside.

The ant asks, "Hey man, what's taking you so long?"

The centipede replies, "I'm still putting on my shoes."

A boy asks his father for a spider for his birthday.

The father stops by the pet shop on the way home from work to find out more about spiders.

​

“What does one of those big ones cost?” the father asks, pointing into the glass case full of the arachnids.

​

“About fifty dollars,” the store clerk replies.

​

“Fifty dollars!” the father replies. “I’ll just find a cheap one off the web.”

Spider's legs

There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he was going to host a live show to demonstrate his findings.

At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The man himself wandered on stage and silenced the murmurs.

'Today I will demonstrate two things. The first is that spiders can understand and respond to basic commands.'

The crowd laughed and snickered but undeterred the scientist opened a box on his desk and a spider crawled out.

'Spider, walk left'

The spider moved to its left. The crowd was silenced.

'Spider, move right.'

The spider moved right. The crowd gasped. Forward, backward, the spider responded again and again. The crowd applauded in awe.

The scientist then removed all of the spider's legs. The crowd, confused by this, watched in silence.

'Move left'

The spider didn't move.

'Move right'

Nothing. Forward, backward, no response.

'This is to demonstrate my second finding. Once you remove a spider's legs, it goes deaf.'

Scientists and spiders.

There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let everyone know he and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings.

At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The man himself wandered on stage and silenced the murmurs.

'Today I will demonstrate two things. The first being that spiders can understand and respond to basic commands.'

The crowd laughed and jeered but undeterred he opened a box on his desk and a spider crawled out.
'Spider, walk left'

The spider moved to its left. The crowd was silenced.
'Spider, move right.'

The spider moved right. The crowd gasped. Forward, backward, the spider responded again and again. The crowd applauded in awe.

The scientist then removed all of the spider's legs. The crowd, confused by this, watched in silence.
'Move left'

The spider didn't move.
'Move right'

Nothing. Forward, backward, no response.
'This is to demonstrate my second finding. Once you remove a spider's legs, it goes deaf.'

A dinosaur, a spider, and a cowboy walk into a bar

All three sit at the bar and begin drinking heavily, clearly distressed. The bartender asks them what their troubles are.
The Cowboy takes a shot, then says "my horse got loose, ran into traffic, and got hit by a semi truck carrying gasoline. Cause a whole big explosion and blew my poor horse to bits." The spider nods sympathetically. "I just lost my husband in that same fire. The driver found him, freaked out, and crashed trying to squash my dear hubby."
The bartender is in shock, but finally asks the dinosaur his story.
The dinosaur sniffed, took a sip from his straw, and said "My whole family was on that truck"

It was just another day in the jungle, and the little tailor store was open as usual.

*ting a-ling-ting* The door jingles open and in walks a flea, a spider and a rat.

They all ask to be measured up and fitted for suits.

"Step this way", says the tailor and begins measuring up the flea with his tiny teeny tape measure.

"You're pretty fat for a flea", he says, as he finishes his measurements.

The flea steps back, slightly disheartened, and the tailor starts measuring the spider.

"Wow, you're legs are laughably short for a spider". He says, as he finishes sizing him up.

The spider steps aside unhappily, and he measures up the rat.

"Your teeth are disgustingly yellow", he tells him as he finishes up the job.

Disgruntled, the three of them walk out of the store, empty handed.

A few months pass and the amount of small jungle creatures coming to the store gets smaller by the day.

"I just don't understand", the tailor says to his shop assistant, "it seems I am no good at this anymore".

The shop assistant replies, "Well, maybe you need to quit critter sizing".

Three buddies watching Sunday night football.

An ant, a spider, and a centipede are watching Sunday night football together at the ants’ house. The ant notices their beer supply is running low, so being a good host he tells his buddies he is going to run to the beer store to get more. While the ant was heading out the centipede stops him and says “hey let me go and get the beer, I will be much faster than you, I have more legs, I’m built for speed” the ant thought this guy is too full of himself but lets him go get the beer anyways. It then started to rain, an hour & half passes, the spider and the ant got worried because the centipede has been gone far too long now. The spider tells the ant “ok I will go out and see if I can find him.” The spider puts on his shoes, grabs an umbrella and starts to head out. When the spider opens the door, surprisingly there is the centipede at the front door. “Hey man, what took you so long? Where’s the beer?” Centipede looks up and responds “huh! I haven’t even finished putting on all my shoes yet.”

Little Billy forgot to do his science homework on insects...

And his teacher was furious. "Right.", she said. "If you don't bring in a sheet filled with facts about insects by tomorrow, it's detention for you!"

The next day, Little Billy arrives at his classroom early and tells the teacher that he didn't do his homework, but he has an amazing fact about spiders to show her instead. Billy's teacher is of course angry, but finds herself intrigued by what Billy could have. She agrees to let him show it to her.

Billy then pulls out a large spider, and places it on the teacher's desk. "Jump!" He commands, and the spider leaps up into the air.

"Impressive." The teacher remarks.

"It gets better miss!" Billy replys, pulling out a pair of tweezers from his pocket. Then, very carefully, he pulls off one of the spiders legs. "Jump!" Billy says again, and the spider immediately hops straight into the air.

Billy continues pulling off the spider's legs, one after the other, and each time it's able to jump straight into the air on Billy's command. Eventually, the spider has only one leg left.

"Jump!" Billy says once again, and the spider still manages to leap upward.

"Remarkable!" Billy's teacher blurts out. "I didn't think you could train spiders like this, I suppose I can forgive you for not doing your homework."

"It gets better miss!" Billy says, and before his teacher can stop him, pulls off the spider's last leg. "Jump!" Billy commands, but this time the spider's body remains motionless.

"What did you do that for?" The teacher asks, annoyed.

"Don't you see Miss?" Asks Billy, "When you remove all of a spider's legs, it goes deaf!"

Handsome and rich and......

A man walks into a bar and everybody turns to look at him. He is the most handsome man any of them have ever seen. Even the men can't stop looking at him. On his shoulder is a little man not even a foot tall. He walks up to the bar and tells the bartender, i would like to buy a round for the house, gives the bartender a hundred dollar bill and says keep the change. The bartender pours drinks for everyone, and just as he pours the last beer, the little man jumps off of the strangers shoulder, runs down the bar and kicks over every drink. The man apologizes, gives the bartender a hundred dollars for the mess and asks him to pour everyone another drink. This time he gives the bartender two hundred dollars and says keep the change. Again the little man jumps down and kicks over every drink. So the stranger gives the bartender two more hundred dollar bills, apologizes and turns to leave. Before he can go the bartender asks what was up with his behavior. The man says, well i feed a faery from a spider web and she gave me three wishes. I asked to be the most handsome man in the world, and look at me. I asked to impossibly wealthy and i have a never ending supply of 100 dollar bills in my pocket. Then i asked to have a 10 inch prick and well....

One day at my house I heard my mum scream...

I went into the room and said "whats happened", she points at this tiny spider and says "take that god damn spider out". So I did...... we went to a bar, a pub and smoked a joint. Nice guy actually he has 2 kids and a wife.... oh yeah he works as web developer too!

A group of primary school students were participating in a local spelling bee.

A keen young boy steps before the judges and is told, "Your word is spider."

Not quite sure as to how to spell it, the boy asks, "Could you please use it in a sentence?"

A judge replies, "A spider has eight eyes."

The boy then states, "S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R."

Rather than kill it, my girlfriend told me to catch this spider in our kitchen and take him out.

So I did. I got a big ol' jar and put it over him then slid an index card under and flipped. Apply lid to jar, phase one was complete.

Next step, take him out. I opened the door and went outside. I walked across my lawn to the street where my car was parked. I got in my car with my jar-spider and started it up. I decided to take the spider out to dinner at Beni-Hana. We chatted and had a lovely time honestly. I learned he was an adolescent, and I also discovered he lost both parents at a young age to a brutal double homicide, their landlords had stepped on them when they were on a family trip across the house, and since then this spiders been trying to survive and lead a happy life. I asked what he wants to be when he gets older and I was suddenly so inspired, I couldn't help but feel touched.

He wanted to be a web designer.

I wrote this one yesterday. Hopefully it's worth the read...

It was 1987 and Mr O'Neal had been working in his tailor shop for little creatures solidly, all year!

*ting-ting-ting-ting-tinnng... ting* The door jingles open and in hops a flea.

He approaches the tailor and says, "The big dance is tonight. I need the finest suit in your store".

"Step this way", he says and begins measuring up the flea with his tiny teeny tape measure. "Hmmm, could do with losing a few milligrams, your waist is 0.05mm larger than last time."

"Ooooh ooh, bitter lies!" cries the flea, and he hops out of the shop.

A few minutes later...

*ting-ting-ting-ting-tinnng... ting* The door jingles open again and in scurries a rat.

He approaches the tailor and says, "The big dance is tonight. I need the finest suit in your store".

"Step this way", he says and he begins measuring up the rat with his tiny teeny tape measure. "Hmmm, you seem to be 1cm taller than last time, kinda makes you look lanky."

"Ooooh ooh, bitter lies!" says the rat, and he scurries out of the shop.

A few minutes later...

*ting-ting-ting-ting-tinnng... ting* The door jingles open again and in creeps a spider.

He approaches the tailor and says, "The big dance is tonight. I need the finest suit in your store".

"Step this way", he says and he begins measuring up the spider with his tiny teeny tape measure. "Hmmm, two of your legs are 0.3mm shorter than the others, makes you look kinda freaky."

"Ooooh ooh, bitter lies!" says the spider, and he creeps out of the shop.

A few hours later...

*ting-ting-ting-ting-tinnng... ting* The door jingles open again and in stomps an extremely pissed off and incredibly lonely Mrs O'Neal.

"I'm fed up," shouts his wife, "'cause all you want to do is critter size."

A scientist performed an expirement on a spider...

He put the spider on a table and told it to jump, and it did. Then, he plucked off one of its legs and told it to jump, and it jumped again, but not as high as the first time. The scientist did this again and again, taking off another leg each time until all of its legs were gone. When the spider had no legs, he told it to jump. It just laid there, not jumping.

The scientist’s conclusion: Spiders without legs are deaf.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decided to take a vacation to Australia. None of them made it back alive.

The redhead hopped off the plane and headed straight for the beach. She was eaten by a shark shortly thereafter.

The brunette was tired after her long flight, so she headed straight for her hotel to take a nap. After her nap, she got up to head to the opera, but a spider had slipped into her shoes and when she tried to put them on she was bitten and died.

The blonde was found drowned in her car off the coast of Florida. She'd taken one look at flight tickets and figured it was cheaper to drive.

Three loonies

There were three loonies in an asylum. Their doctor said that they can go after looking after an animal each, they need to find out more about the animal.

The first person gets a dog, the second gets a cat and the third gets two spiders in a matchbox.

A week passes.

The first person comes back and tells the doctor about the dog, the loony says "it's great company, likes to eat meat and barks a lot." He was then released.

The second person comes back with the cat and says "it likes to be on it's own, and sometimes it bites me." He was then released.

The third person comes back with the spiders. He carefully places a spider on the table and says to the doctor, "watch this pal".

He tells the spider to walk, and it walks! He tells the spider to stop, and it does! He then shouts at the spider to turn around, and it does!

The doctor said "that's amazing!"

He then plucks every leg off the spider and places it down on the table again. He shouts for it to move, nothing. He shouts for it to turn, nothing. He then leans over to the doctor and says "when you take the legs off a spider it becomes deaf".

Marvel have released their schedule for the next set of Spider Man films.

* Spider Man: Homecoming
* Spider Man 2: Far From Home
* Spider Man 3: Going Back Home Again
* Spider Man 4: Going Out Again For A Bit
* Spider Man 5: Coming Back Yet More
* Spider Man 6: Leaving Again
* Spider Man 7: Aunt May is Angry Because She Wants to Know Where I Keep Going But I Don’t Know
* Spider Man 8: Why Am I At The Supermarket?
* Spider Man 9: This is the Last Straw, Peter. Are You and Your Friends Doing Drugs?
* Spider Man 10: Going From Home to the Doctor to get an Early Onset Frontal Lobe Dementia Diagnosis
* Spider Man 11: Being Homebound with a Permanent Carer
* Spider Man 12: Escaping due to Carer Abuse and Ending Up in a Field Somewhere
* Spider Man 13: Getting a Police Escort Back Home before Dying of Kidney Failure Because I Forgot to Go to the Toilet

A scientist is running experiments with spiders...

He believes he has discovered something profound so he calls up everyone he can, family, friends, press to come see him present his discovery to the world.

Everyone shows up and the scientist begins his experiment. He has 8 spiders lined up in a row and he says simply "walk three steps forward", the spiders obey instantly and walk forward three steps. Everyone in the crowd is amazed and reporters quickly jot down what they had just witnessed.

The scientist goes on: "wall two steps backward", again the spiders obey and walk backward two steps. The crowd begin to get louder and reporters attempt to ask questions to the scientist. He dismisses them and asks them to settle down so he can continue.

He carefully plucks each and every leg off all 8 spiders and then says "walk three steps forward". The spiders do not move. He goes on: "walk two steps backward". Again, the spiders do not move.

The scientist turns towards the audience and proudly concludes: "You see, this proves that if you pull the legs off of a spider it becomes deaf."

The Scientific Method

A scientist was demonstrating his latest research to a group of scientists at a science symposium. He had trained a spider to follow voice commands.
"Spider, go forward"
The spider began walking on the table.
"Spider, go left"
The spider turned left.
"Spider, go right"
The spider turned right.
Just to prove it wasn't a coincidence, the scientist said "Spider, do a backflip"
The spider did a backflip. The audience was agog. No one was exactly sure what they were witnessing. It was truly astounding and a very important moment for science.
Then the scientist pinned down the spider with a surgical implement and sliced all of it's legs of with a scalpel.
"Spider, go forward."
Nothing. The spider just, sort of, twitched.
"Spider, go backwards."
Still nothing .
"As you can see, when we cut the spiders legs off, it loses it's sense of hearing completely."

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