If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning Imagine how surprised he must have been.
I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?" I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
I bought a dog from a blacksmith this morning... ...within 10 minutes of getting him home he made a bolt for the door.
Attention America! We Brits have your president! If you do not send us £50M by Sunday morning.... We’ll return him back to you.
I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning She said, “How do you know he was on his way to work?”
Bill Clinton tried to cheer up Hillary this morning. He reminded her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected President until after he had served 27 years in prison.
Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder. We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.
Yesterday I went to temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo. But It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
Got called in for a drug test at work...
They said I tested positive for opioids.
I said "Oh yeah. There were poppy seeds on my bagel this morning."
They said "What about the THC, cocaine, and LSD?"
"It was an everything bagel."
If you're depressed, try drinking a pint of water before going to bed. It'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
Did you hear the shocking news about Yahoo this morning? Apparently they still have 500 million users.
Spent over an hour at the wife's grave this morning. Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then *gently* tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo. After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
On a cold winter's morning
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer is really screwed up now.”
My boss was honest with me today. He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
As told to me by my 7 YO son this morning...
Him: What's a pirates favorite letter?
Him: You would think it would be ARRRGH but my first love be the "C"!
what has 2 legs in the morning and 3 in the afternoon? I have no idea but it's in my basement please send help.
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself... I really need to wash some mugs.
My son was on eBay this morning. Child services were not impressed with me.
Why did the sperm cross the road? I accidentally put on the wrong sock this morning.
I actually heard this joke in a dream this morning
What do you call a little square that hasn't developed its new dimension yet?
My boss pulled up to work in his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied: "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 AM! Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums
This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.
It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.
I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water? It might take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid this morning.
I started calling my toilet the "Jim"...
instead of the John.
It sounds much better when I say that I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike It's a vicious cycle.
A Russian named Rudolf woke up one morning
He looked out the window and announced, _"It's raining."_
His wife said, _"No dear, it's sleeting."_
He replied, _"Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."_
For those of you wondering what it’s like to be married I just found out this morning I’m on day 3 of an argument I didn’t know I was having.
This morning, the doctor told me I was colorblind. It came completely out of the orange.
This morning I made my coffee using Red Bull instead of water... ...After 15 minutes on the highway I realized I left my car at home...
Why don't helicopters fly in the morning? Twirly.
I sneaked onto a beach early this morning. The coast was clear.
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: Windows frozen, won't open.
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap the edges with a hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."
The egg said to the pot of boiling water.... It's gonna take a while to get hard, I just got laid this morning
I made a chicken salad this morning. Stupid thing didn't even eat it.
I'm making a fortune promoting home security systems The pitch is easy. All I do is say "Good morning". At 3am whilst sitting on the end of their bed.
I was offered a construction job in Egypt this morning. Turned out to be a pyramid scheme
What do you call Batman the morning after a big fight? Bruised Wayne
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon this morning I’ll let you know
This morning, my doctor told me I was colorblind. It came completely out of the orange
This morning I entered a store...
I noticed the clerk had a missing hand and a watch on it, that kept falling.
\-Why don't you wear it on the other hand?
\-And how am I supposed to put it on, smartass?
I've decided to mind my own business from now on.
What do old men wake up to? A morning wouldn't.
What do you call a sweater that was blown away by the wind?
(yes, I made this one up this morning)
I did 3 things thing morning 1.) Wake Up. 2.) Buy a mansion. 3.) Buy a Lambo But the order they happened was 2,3,1
The CEO of Pepsi was fired this morning.
They found trace amounts of Coke in *her system.
*I have to be factually correct.
Why did the sperm cross the road ? Because I accidentally put the wrong socks on this morning.
I walked out my house this morning...
And a man threw milk and cheese at me.
I thought, “How dairy?”
What did the egg say to the boiling water? Don't expect me to get hard in three minutes, I just got laid this morning!
The similarities between alcohol and girls... ... Both have the quality of giving pleasure at night and headache in the morning.
Please pray for my mother-in-law. She was taken to hospital this morning. A bee landed on her face. Luckily she wasn't stung. I was too quick with the spade.
My marriage counselor asked if it was true that I generally wake up grumpy in the morning I said, "Nah, most of the time I just let her sleep"
I can't believe my neighbor had the audacity to ring my doorbell at 2 in the morning. Lucky for him though I was still up playing my bagpipes.
My sister walked up to me this morning and with disgusted look on her face said to me: ‘You’re on drugs again!!!’ She could be right.. I’m an only child.
I woke up in the Police station this morning with no memory of the previous night. I really need to stop drinking on duty.
You're the only reason I get out of bed in the morning. I only go to work and become a better person because of you. You make me workout on weekends and get in shape. And I try to turn you on every night. I love you, alarm clock.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 3 in the morning.
Can you believe that, 3AM?!
Luckily for him, I was still up playing my electric guitar.
I made a tuna salad this morning. Stupid thing didn't even eat it.
Instead of calling my toilet "the John", I call it "the Jim" from now on... That way, it sounds better whenever I say: "I go to the Jim every morning."
President Trump bumped into Mike Pence in a White House hallway this morning... Trump said "Pardon me."
Wife woke up this morning with a huge smile on her face.. Man I love sharpies
I'm making a fortune selling home security systems. It's so easy, all I do is say, "Hello." At 3 in the morning, whilst sitting on the end of their bed…
I made a chicken salad this morning. Stupid thing won't even eat it.
I told my wife she'd painted her eyebrows too high this morning she looked surprised
A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband...
Wife: My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!
Psychiatrist: Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.
Hey boss, whats the difference between this morning and your daughter? I am not coming in this morning.
I finally managed to achieve my new years resolution My 4K monitor turned up this morning, I'm so happy!!
Got to work this morning Got to work this morning and my boss told me 'have a good day', so I went home and had a great day!
Why are there fences around cemeteries?
People are dying to get in.
*Told to me by pastor this morning just before Sunrise Service.*
I was at the dentist this morning and while he was examining my mouth, I bit his finger. I think I left a good impression.
Why do you fly United early in the morning? To beat the crowd.
I decided to rename my toilet from "The John" to "The Jim." I feel much better saying I've been to "The Jim" this morning.
How do cannibals get ready in the morning? Just like anyone else they wakee up, get out of bed, put on their pants and eat breakfast, one leg at a time.
jim I've decided to no longer refer to the bathroom as "the john". Instead I will call it "the jim". That way, I can say in all honesty that I went to the jim this morning.
I went into the kitchen this morning and noticed the trash was leaking Or “crying” as she calls it.
I called the doctor this morning, "I think my back's broken"
"What makes you say that?"
"I've got a hunch."
Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put the wrong sock on in the morning.
Criminal activity report I read this morning that someone pick pocketed a midget. How could someone stoop so low?
I always say good night to my microwave every morning
I'm in a very different timezone that those agents in Washington DC.
Bill Gates wakes up one morning, hungover, after a late night soirée at the foundation.
Melinda looks at him and says, "Wow, Bill, you don't look so good."
Bill replies, "Yeah I know, I feel like a million bucks..."
Bilbo was surprised to wake one morning, and find that a Tesco had been built right next to his house It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area
I woke up this morning and my bedside light had turned into a moth... That's the last time I ever buy a larva lamp…
So, I call into work and say to the boss: "What’s the difference between work and your daughter?!" "I'm not coming into work this morning!"
As I'm walking in to work this morning my boss told me to "Have a good day" Who am i to argue? Thanked him and came straight back home
I was walking through a graveyard this morning and saw a man squatting by a tombstone.
I shouted "Morning!"
He replied "No, just pooping."
I accidentally swallowed a lot of food coloring this morning. I dyed a little inside.
I called my Sergeant this morning and said, "I'm not coming into work today."
"Why not?" he asked.
I said, "My wife is throwing up in bed and she hasn't ironed my uniform."
"That's no excuse!" he shouted.
I said, "I know, but try telling her that..."
I told the waitress my coffee tasted like mud... "It should. It was fresh ground this morning"
I read this morning there's a test to find out if you have early stage Alzhimer's. And then this morning I read that there's a test to find out if you have early stage Alzhimer's.
This morning I mixed redbull with coffee to help me wake up. I got about halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
Woke up early this morning to try to catch the fog. I Mist.
On the Bus
Little Johnny says, "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
"Well, you've done the right thing," says Mommy.
"But Mommy, I was sitting on Daddy's lap."
Today it was so cold in the morning that.. I saw a democrat with his hand in his own pocket.
I woke up this morning and realised I didn't have to go to school today. I was so happy... then I remembered I'm an unemployed 43-year-old.
I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She told me that I have to stop jerking off.
I asked, "Why?"
She replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
A Minsk fireman gets home from work...
... and says to his wife, "They told me that tomorrow I either go to Chernobyl or hand in my Party card."
"But you're not in the party," she replies.
"Right, so I'm wondering how do I get a Party card by tomorrow morning?"
I couldn't remember what time the sun was set to rise this morning. But then it dawned on me.
I called in to work and asked my boss what the difference between work and his daughter was. I'm not coming into work this morning.