If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning Imagine how surprised he must have been.
I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?" I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
I bought a dog from a blacksmith this morning... ...within 10 minutes of getting him home he made a bolt for the door.
Attention America! We Brits have your president! If you do not send us £50M by Sunday morning.... We’ll return him back to you.
I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning She said, “How do you know he was on his way to work?”
Bill Clinton tried to cheer up Hillary this morning. He reminded her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected President until after he had served 27 years in prison.
Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder. We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.
Yesterday I went to temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo. But It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
Got called in for a drug test at work...
They said I tested positive for opioids.
I said "Oh yeah. There were poppy seeds on my bagel this morning."
They said "What about the THC, cocaine, and LSD?"
"It was an everything bagel."
If you're depressed, try drinking a pint of water before going to bed. It'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
Did you hear the shocking news about Yahoo this morning? Apparently they still have 500 million users.
Spent over an hour at the wife's grave this morning. Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then *gently* tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo. After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
On a cold winter's morning
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer is really screwed up now.”
My boss was honest with me today. He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
As told to me by my 7 YO son this morning...
Him: What's a pirates favorite letter?
Him: You would think it would be ARRRGH but my first love be the "C"!
what has 2 legs in the morning and 3 in the afternoon? I have no idea but it's in my basement please send help.
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself... I really need to wash some mugs.
My son was on eBay this morning. Child services were not impressed with me.
Why did the sperm cross the road? I accidentally put on the wrong sock this morning.
I actually heard this joke in a dream this morning
What do you call a little square that hasn't developed its new dimension yet?
My boss pulled up to work in his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied: "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 AM! Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums
This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.
It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.
I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water? It might take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid this morning.
I started calling my toilet the "Jim"...
instead of the John.
It sounds much better when I say that I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike It's a vicious cycle.
A Russian named Rudolf woke up one morning
He looked out the window and announced, _"It's raining."_
His wife said, _"No dear, it's sleeting."_
He replied, _"Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."_
For those of you wondering what it’s like to be married I just found out this morning I’m on day 3 of an argument I didn’t know I was having.
My neighbor knocked on my door at 3 in the morning... Lucky for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.
I got into a fight with my erection this morning. I beat it single handedly.
This morning I entered a store...
I noticed the clerk had a missing hand and a watch on it, that kept falling.
\-Why don't you wear it on the other hand?
\-And how am I supposed to put it on, smartass?
I've decided to mind my own business from now on.
I finally managed to achieve my new years resolution My 4K monitor turned up this morning, I'm so happy!!
This morning, my doctor told me I was colorblind. It came completely out of the orange
I'm a bit worried. I was checking my testicles this morning, and I noticed that one of them... ...is considerably larger than the other two.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon this morning I’ll let you know
My Partner's Dog died this morning
To cheer her up, I went out to get her an identical one.
She was fuming, "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?!"
As I'm walking in to work this morning my boss told me to "Have a good day" Who am i to argue? Thanked him and came straight back home
I just thought of this Dad joke My Brother woke up one morning. He said it was so cold and asked me if the heater was on. I said no, but the freezer is!
I woke up with my back stiff as a board It's morning wood
I woke up this morning and my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying”this isn’t working bye” But when I opened it, it was working fine
What do you call a waffle that you've dropped on the beach?
A sandy Egg
(*My daughter hit me with this one this morning*)
I came out of Asda this morning and found a women crying her eyes out. She had lost all her money. I felt so sorrt for her I gave her $50. I usually don't do that thing but I'd just found $2000 in the carpark
My construction worker friend says he has stopped getting morning wood. He says he has a rock tile dysfunction.
I went to a coffee shop before work this morning.
The coffee tasted like mud.
So I told the barista.
She told me it was fresh ground.
I used to host a morning radio show targeting the unemployed, It started at 2pm
Siri annoyed me all morning. She kept calling me Shirley. Then I remembered I left my phone on airplane mode.
A couple is running a bit low on cash, so the wife decides to become a prostitute.
The next morning, she announces that she got $101.
"Who gave you the one dollar, honey?" the husband asks.
"Sweetie, they all did!"
A friend of mine told me this morning that I don’t seem to understand irony... Which itself was ironic since we were at a bus stop at the time.
How does a German greet a baker in the morning? Gluten Morgan.
Have you heard about the hairdresser who passed away?
Don’t know why but this was about this first thing I thought of when I woke up this morning
A Scotsman awakes one morning to find his wife dead beside him.
He shouts downstairs to the cook:
"Only one egg for breakfast this morning, Mary!"
My workplace was shutdown this morning because someone was threatening suicide Apparently it was fake noose
Lil Jon spent the night at a hotel
The next morning as he is exiting the room, a maid asks him, “Excuse me, would you like turn down service?”
Lil Jon replies, “Turn down? For what?”
I mixed my coffee with Red Bull this morning. I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
I just peed with morning wood It was hard
So I took my mother in law out yesterday morning... From 1867 yards with a Barrett M82
Last night I was with a chick, and she said “No, don’t stop!” The next morning I got hit with a rape charge. That’s when I knew I was terrible at punctuation.
Just got kicked out of my second tire shop this morning Wonder what they have against giving me a rim job.....
I never did understand morning wood. I don’t typically get aroused at funerals.
Got a shock at the hairdresser's this morning. They actually cut my hair the way I wanted
I've been playing hide and seek with a roach for two days now. He still hasn't found me since this morning. What a loser.
Why does the pharmacist at the drug store hate prom so much? The morning after always has long lines.
I left my Adderall in my car last night... When I came out this morning, it became a Ford Focus.
Vladimir Putin receives a phone call from his assistant after the election... "Good morning, Mr. Putin. I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that your adversary has taken 61% of the vote. The good is, you've taken more."
What do you call a cop morning mystery? Who donut?
What's green and hurts the next morning? St. Patrick's Day
I had my pet duck drug tested this morning... Turns out he’s been doing quack this whole time!
This morning, I tried to catch the fog I mist.
A man with two wooden legs had his house lit on fire The firefighters were able to save the house but unfortunately the man was burnt to the ground. He tried to call the insurance company in the morning but...he didn’t have a leg to stand on
A man was getting married but got cold feet at the last minute...
The next morning he went to work and his co-workers asked "so how'd the wedding go"
He replied "oh, it went off without a hitch"
What does a physicist say when he wakes up in the morning? Up an atom!
What do old men wake up to? A morning wouldn't.
My daughter packed a light bulb in her lunch box this morning.
I asked her, "why did you put that in there?"
She replied, "I want a light snack."
What did the pigeon say to the baker who stopped feeding his family bread in the morning? Coup coup!
Every morning this week a German Shepherd has been taking a dump on my lawn Yesterday he brought his dog.
The only thing I enjoy about morning exercise Is that it doesn't concern me
What are the odds of USA beating Brazil in soccer?
Brazilian to one....
(credit to bill burr's monday morning podcast)
The weather forecaster this morning said that vision might be impaired by fog. I agree with him, but that's a weird way to spell "Whiskey".
It was so hot in Phoenix, the entire city burned to ground was reduced to ashes Dont worry, it came right back up the next morning.
I was texting on my phone and accidentally rear ended someone this morning... We Pulled into a residential area, the guy got out of his car and lo' and behold, he's a dwarf. He said, "I am NOT happy!!!" I said, "Well then which one are you?"
I love having a couch in my bedroom it gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning
What's worse than missing your bus in the morning The Holocaust
I saw a dead baby gohst laying on the ground this morning. Turns out it was just a tissue.
I accidentally swallowed a lot of food coloring this morning. I dyed a little inside.
A marching band passed by this morning, shouting "Make America Great Again!" Must be some Donald Trumpeters.
Growing up an orphan was great
I could cry in the morning because I was alone.
I could cry during the day because I was alone.
I could cry at night because I was alone.
All without my parents ever bothering me!
Woke up early this morning to try to catch the fog. I Mist.
What do you say to a lawyer with a IQ less than 50? Good morning your Honor!
Sunday morning, a man bursts into church and interrupts the sermon, shouting "It's a miracle! I'm walking! I'm walking!" "What happened?" the preacher asked. "They stole my car" the man replied.
Today it was so cold in the morning that.. I saw a democrat with his hand in his own pocket.
What did the Trump supporting viticulturist say Monday morning? Time to make America Grapes Again.
One morning, a business executive showed up to work wearing an earing on one ear.
His shocked co-worker proceeded "When did you start wearing an earing"
"Since my wife found this one in my car" the executive replied.
So my genetics professor reported this morning that diarrhea has a genetic basis According to her, it runs in our jeans.
Michael Jackson Joke #4543762
Michael Jackson tried killing himself Sunday morning
by jumping off his boat.
The coast guard found him last night, bobbing up and down
on a small buoy.
I saw a magic tractor this morning It was driving down the road, then it turned into a field.
I was eating an orange this morning, but it tasted funny... so I put it back in the crayon box!
I called in to work and asked my boss what the difference between work and his daughter was. I'm not coming into work this morning.