Hilarious Morning Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Morning Jokes

If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning Imagine how surprised he must have been.

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I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?" I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

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I bought a dog from a blacksmith this morning... ...within 10 minutes of getting him home he made a bolt for the door.

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Attention America! We Brits have your president! If you do not send us £50M by Sunday morning.... We’ll return him back to you.

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I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning She said, “How do you know he was on his way to work?”

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Bill Clinton tried to cheer up Hillary this morning. He reminded her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected President until after he had served 27 years in prison.

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Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder. We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.

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Yesterday I went to temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo. But It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.

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Got called in for a drug test at work... They said I tested positive for opioids.

I said "Oh yeah. There were poppy seeds on my bagel this morning."

They said "What about the THC, cocaine, and LSD?"

"It was an everything bagel."

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If you're depressed, try drinking a pint of water before going to bed. It'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

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Did you hear the shocking news about Yahoo this morning? Apparently they still have 500 million users.

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Spent over an hour at the wife's grave this morning. Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.

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Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then *gently* tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

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Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo. After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.

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On a cold winter's morning Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:

"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back:

"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:

"Computer is really screwed up now.”

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My boss was honest with me today. He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

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As told to me by my 7 YO son this morning... Him: What's a pirates favorite letter?
Me: ARRRGH!
Him: You would think it would be ARRRGH but my first love be the "C"!

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what has 2 legs in the morning and 3 in the afternoon? I have no idea but it's in my basement please send help.

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I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself... I really need to wash some mugs.

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My son was on eBay this morning. Child services were not impressed with me.

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Why did the sperm cross the road? I accidentally put on the wrong sock this morning.

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I actually heard this joke in a dream this morning What do you call a little square that hasn't developed its new dimension yet?

Precubescent

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My boss pulled up to work in his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied: "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

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My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 AM! Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums

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This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.

I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.

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What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water? It might take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid this morning.

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I started calling my toilet the "Jim"... instead of the John.

It sounds much better when I say that I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

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Every single morning I get hit by the same bike It's a vicious cycle.

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A Russian named Rudolf woke up one morning He looked out the window and announced, _"It's raining."_

His wife said, _"No dear, it's sleeting."_

He replied, _"Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."_

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For those of you wondering what it’s like to be married I just found out this morning I’m on day 3 of an argument I didn’t know I was having.

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This morning, the doctor told me I was colorblind. It came completely out of the orange.

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This morning I made my coffee using Red Bull instead of water... ...After 15 minutes on the highway I realized I left my car at home...

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Why don't helicopters fly in the morning? Twirly.

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I sneaked onto a beach early this morning. The coast was clear.

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Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: Windows frozen, won't open. Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap the edges with a hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

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The egg said to the pot of boiling water.... It's gonna take a while to get hard, I just got laid this morning

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I made a chicken salad this morning. Stupid thing didn't even eat it.

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I'm making a fortune promoting home security systems The pitch is easy. All I do is say "Good morning". At 3am whilst sitting on the end of their bed.

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I was offered a construction job in Egypt this morning. Turned out to be a pyramid scheme

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New Morning Jokes

What do you call Batman the morning after a big fight? Bruised Wayne

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I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon this morning I’ll let you know

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This morning, my doctor told me I was colorblind. It came completely out of the orange

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This morning I entered a store... I noticed the clerk had a missing hand and a watch on it, that kept falling.

\-Why don't you wear it on the other hand?

\-And how am I supposed to put it on, smartass?



I've decided to mind my own business from now on.

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What do old men wake up to? A morning wouldn't.

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What do you call a sweater that was blown away by the wind? A cardi-gone.

(yes, I made this one up this morning)

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I did 3 things thing morning 1.) Wake Up. 2.) Buy a mansion. 3.) Buy a Lambo But the order they happened was 2,3,1

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The CEO of Pepsi was fired this morning. They found trace amounts of Coke in *her system.

*I have to be factually correct.

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Why did the sperm cross the road ? Because I accidentally put the wrong socks on this morning.

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I walked out my house this morning... And a man threw milk and cheese at me.

I thought, “How dairy?”

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What did the egg say to the boiling water? Don't expect me to get hard in three minutes, I just got laid this morning!

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The similarities between alcohol and girls... ... Both have the quality of giving pleasure at night and headache in the morning.

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Please pray for my mother-in-law. She was taken to hospital this morning. A bee landed on her face. Luckily she wasn't stung. I was too quick with the spade.

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My marriage counselor asked if it was true that I generally wake up grumpy in the morning I said, "Nah, most of the time I just let her sleep"

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I can't believe my neighbor had the audacity to ring my doorbell at 2 in the morning. Lucky for him though I was still up playing my bagpipes.

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My sister walked up to me this morning and with disgusted look on her face said to me: ‘You’re on drugs again!!!’ She could be right.. I’m an only child.

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I woke up in the Police station this morning with no memory of the previous night. I really need to stop drinking on duty.

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You're the only reason I get out of bed in the morning. I only go to work and become a better person because of you. You make me workout on weekends and get in shape. And I try to turn you on every night. I love you, alarm clock.

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My neighbour knocked on my door at 3 in the morning. Can you believe that, 3AM?!
Luckily for him, I was still up playing my electric guitar.

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I made a tuna salad this morning. Stupid thing didn't even eat it.

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Instead of calling my toilet "the John", I call it "the Jim" from now on... That way, it sounds better whenever I say: "I go to the Jim every morning."

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President Trump bumped into Mike Pence in a White House hallway this morning... Trump said "Pardon me."

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Wife woke up this morning with a huge smile on her face.. Man I love sharpies

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I'm making a fortune selling home security systems. It's so easy, all I do is say, "Hello." At 3 in the morning, whilst sitting on the end of their bed…

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I made a chicken salad this morning. Stupid thing won't even eat it.

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I told my wife she'd painted her eyebrows too high this morning she looked surprised

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A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband... Wife: My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!

Psychiatrist: Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.

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Hey boss, whats the difference between this morning and your daughter? I am not coming in this morning.

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I finally managed to achieve my new years resolution My 4K monitor turned up this morning, I'm so happy!!

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Got to work this morning Got to work this morning and my boss told me 'have a good day', so I went home and had a great day!

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Why are there fences around cemeteries? People are dying to get in.

*Told to me by pastor this morning just before Sunrise Service.*

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I was at the dentist this morning and while he was examining my mouth, I bit his finger. I think I left a good impression.

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Why do you fly United early in the morning? To beat the crowd.

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I decided to rename my toilet from "The John" to "The Jim." I feel much better saying I've been to "The Jim" this morning.

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How do cannibals get ready in the morning? Just like anyone else they wakee up, get out of bed, put on their pants and eat breakfast, one leg at a time.

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jim I've decided to no longer refer to the bathroom as "the john". Instead I will call it "the jim". That way, I can say in all honesty that I went to the jim this morning.

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I went into the kitchen this morning and noticed the trash was leaking Or “crying” as she calls it.

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I called the doctor this morning, "I think my back's broken" "What makes you say that?"

"I've got a hunch."

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Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put the wrong sock on in the morning.

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Criminal activity report I read this morning that someone pick pocketed a midget. How could someone stoop so low?

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I always say good night to my microwave every morning I'm in a very different timezone that those agents in Washington DC.

EDIT:wrong word

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Bill Gates wakes up one morning, hungover, after a late night soirée at the foundation. Melinda looks at him and says, "Wow, Bill, you don't look so good."

Bill replies, "Yeah I know, I feel like a million bucks..."

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Bilbo was surprised to wake one morning, and find that a Tesco had been built right next to his house It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area

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I woke up this morning and my bedside light had turned into a moth... That's the last time I ever buy a larva lamp…

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So, I call into work and say to the boss: "What’s the difference between work and your daughter?!" "I'm not coming into work this morning!"

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As I'm walking in to work this morning my boss told me to "Have a good day" Who am i to argue? Thanked him and came straight back home

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I was walking through a graveyard this morning and saw a man squatting by a tombstone. I shouted "Morning!"

He replied "No, just pooping."

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I accidentally swallowed a lot of food coloring this morning. I dyed a little inside.

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I called my Sergeant this morning and said, "I'm not coming into work today." "Why not?" he asked.

I said, "My wife is throwing up in bed and she hasn't ironed my uniform."

"That's no excuse!" he shouted.

I said, "I know, but try telling her that..."

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I told the waitress my coffee tasted like mud... "It should. It was fresh ground this morning"

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I read this morning there's a test to find out if you have early stage Alzhimer's. And then this morning I read that there's a test to find out if you have early stage Alzhimer's.

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This morning I mixed redbull with coffee to help me wake up. I got about halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

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Woke up early this morning to try to catch the fog. I Mist.

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On the Bus Little Johnny says, "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
"Well, you've done the right thing," says Mommy.
"But Mommy, I was sitting on Daddy's lap."

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Today it was so cold in the morning that.. I saw a democrat with his hand in his own pocket.

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I woke up this morning and realised I didn't have to go to school today. I was so happy... then I remembered I'm an unemployed 43-year-old.

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I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She told me that I have to stop jerking off. I asked, "Why?"

She replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

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A Minsk fireman gets home from work... ... and says to his wife, "They told me that tomorrow I either go to Chernobyl or hand in my Party card."

"But you're not in the party," she replies.

"Right, so I'm wondering how do I get a Party card by tomorrow morning?"

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I couldn't remember what time the sun was set to rise this morning. But then it dawned on me.

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I called in to work and asked my boss what the difference between work and his daughter was. I'm not coming into work this morning.

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