If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning Imagine how surprised he must have been.
My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz
I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?" I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning She said, “How do you know he was on his way to work?”
Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder. We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo. After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
On a cold winter's morning
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer is really screwed up now.”
My boss was honest with me today. He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
what has 2 legs in the morning and 3 in the afternoon? I have no idea but it's in my basement please send help.
I actually heard this joke in a dream this morning
What do you call a little square that hasn't developed its new dimension yet?
My boss pulled up to work in his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied: "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 AM! Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums
This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.
It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.
I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.
A Russian named Rudolf woke up one morning
He looked out the window and announced, _"It's raining."_
His wife said, _"No dear, it's sleeting."_
He replied, _"Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."_
For those of you wondering what it’s like to be married I just found out this morning I’m on day 3 of an argument I didn’t know I was having.
This morning I made my coffee using Red Bull instead of water... ...After 15 minutes on the highway I realized I left my car at home...
This morning i used redbull instead of water to make my coffee. After 15 minutes of driving on the highway, i realized i left my car at home!!!
An 18 y/o boy getting a BJ from and 80 y/o woman and a tightrope walker have the same thought...What is it?
Don't look down!
My Dad broke this one out this morning thought I would share.
I TEXTED MY BOSS...
"What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?...
HE ANSWERED: "I don't know?"
I REPLIED: "I'm not coming in this morning!"
The egg said to the pot of boiling water.... It's gonna take a while to get hard, I just got laid this morning
So I woke up this morning to my dishwasher making a weird sound.. Turns out she was just vacuuming.
If a man's signature is called a "John Hancock" what do you call a woman's?
Full disclosure: Heard on the radio this morning on my way to work.
Met a Dwarf Today....
This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.
The driver got out and he was a dwarf.
He said, "I'm not happy."
I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
My girlfriend said we should experiment more in the bedroom This morning we synthesised a new protein chain
Does God use our bathroom
A child asks, "Mommy, does God use our bathroom?"
The mother replies, "No darling. Why do you ask?"
The child says, "Because every morning daddy bangs on the door and shouts, 'Oh God, are you still in there?'"
My Kids Got Pissed at Me for Cooking Pancakes this Morning Seems he was their favorite rabbit
My neighbor knocked on my door at 3am!!!! 3 in the morning can you believe that?! Luckily, I was still awake playing my drums.
I called my Sergeant this morning and said, "I'm not coming into work today."
"Why not?" he asked.
I said, "My wife is throwing up in bed and she hasn't ironed my uniform."
"That's no excuse!" he shouted.
I said, "I know, but try telling her that..."
My sister walked up to me this morning and with disgusted look on her face said to me: ‘You’re on drugs again!!!’ She could be right.. I’m an only child.
A true work question
I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?"
He answered, "I don't know."
I replied, "I'm not coming in this morning."
I told my wife she'd painted her eyebrows too high this morning I don't know if she agreed but she seemed surprised
This morning I was in my car doing donuts in the parking lot at work Now I have glaze all over my balls.
I was so hungry this morning I almost ate a clock....
I didn't because it's time consuming. Also, I'd have to go back for seconds.
I'm here all day..
Came up with this joke this morning in the shower. I took a tour of a prison for poets, at the end the warden asked what I thought of it. I said it has its prose and cons.
I tickled my little sister's foot this morning and my mum went crazy about it... ..something about waiting until she was born
My wife makes my pancakes too thin. Tomorrow morning I am telling her I am sick of her crepe.
Can’t a girl just say Good Morning to a guy like a normal person? Is it really necessary to ask “Who are you” “How did you get in my room” “Why are you naked”.
NOTICE: Procrastinators meeting at 8 P.M. tonight
Edit: 9 P.M.
Edit: 10 P.M.
Edit: Tomorrow morning 10 A.M.
There was this Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend... ...and the next morning found out that she was six months pregnant.
My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 3 AM!
Can you believe that?
Lucky for him I was still up playing the tuba.
This morning I gave up my seat on a bus to a blind man I also got fired from my job as a bus driver
My neighbour knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 am! Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums.
I came out of the supermarket this morning and there was a woman crying her eyes out.
She'd lost all her holiday money.
I felt so sorry for her I gave her £50.
I don't usually do that kind of thing but I'd just found £2000 in the car park.
My dad once said "do what you hate first thing in the morning to get it out of the way" 3 months later he called me at 6am to wish me a happy birthday
This morning I went to my support group for premature ejaculation. Turns out the meeting is tomorrow.
This morning I entered a store...
I noticed the clerk had a missing hand and a watch on it, that kept falling.
\-Why don't you wear it on the other hand?
\-And how am I supposed to put it on, smartass?
I've decided to mind my own business from now on.
I saw a homeless man aggressively shaking a cup of coins at me this morning I get it. You have more money than me. No need to rub it in
I spent all morning gluing watches together to make a belt... It was a complete waist of time.
My psychologist told me this morning that they are working on a cure for dyslexia... It was like music to my arse...
My marriage counselor asked if it was true that I generally wake up grumpy in the morning I said, "Nah, most of the time I just let her sleep"
A shipment of Viagra was stolen this morning at the city docks Police say they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals
Why are there fences around cemeteries?
People are dying to get in.
*Told to me by pastor this morning just before Sunrise Service.*
I went into the kitchen this morning and noticed the trash was leaking Or “crying” as she calls it.
I always say good night to my microwave every morning
I'm in a very different timezone that those agents in Washington DC.
My teacher said that we were going to have only half of a day of school this morning We all cheered, then she said that we'd have the other half this afternoon.
My girlfriend's best friend had her arm stuck in the dirt this morning
She asked me how to get her hand out quickly.
I told her, "Dig south for her arm, bae."
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidently swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper... I woke this morning with a huge correction.
I read this morning there's a test to find out if you have early stage Alzhimer's. And then this morning I read that there's a test to find out if you have early stage Alzhimer's.
This morning I mixed redbull with coffee to help me wake up. I got about halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
Okay, I thought this up on the way to work this morning and I'm like 40% sure it's original.
What did one patch of moss say to the other when asked what he thought of the summer weather?
He said: "I'm lichen it so far!"
Now you're allowed to laugh, if you'd like.
My Dad and I were talking this morning about my brother's newborn baby...
Dad: I think the nurse will take out the plastic thingy from the baby's arm today.
Dad: I think her name is Brenda, actually.
My 6 year old daughter told me this morning that she wanted to grow up and be a feminist.. I told her she could only choose one.
I woke up this morning and realised I didn't have to go to school today. I was so happy... then I remembered I'm an unemployed 43-year-old.
I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She told me that I have to stop jerking off.
I asked, "Why?"
She replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
Really wanted the day off, so I texted my boss...
"What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?"
I'm not coming in this morning.
(I got some time off now)