Morning Jokes


Funniest Morning Jokes

If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning Imagine how surprised he must have been.

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I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?" I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

Score: 14881

I bought a dog from a blacksmith this morning... ...within 10 minutes of getting him home he made a bolt for the door.

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Attention America! We Brits have your president! If you do not send us £50M by Sunday morning.... We’ll return him back to you.

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I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning She said, “How do you know he was on his way to work?”

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Bill Clinton tried to cheer up Hillary this morning. He reminded her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected President until after he had served 27 years in prison.

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Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder. We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.

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Yesterday I went to temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo. But It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.

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Got called in for a drug test at work... They said I tested positive for opioids.

I said "Oh yeah. There were poppy seeds on my bagel this morning."

They said "What about the THC, cocaine, and LSD?"

"It was an everything bagel."

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If you're depressed, try drinking a pint of water before going to bed. It'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

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Did you hear the shocking news about Yahoo this morning? Apparently they still have 500 million users.

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Spent over an hour at the wife's grave this morning. Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.

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Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then *gently* tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

Score: 2395

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo. After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.

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Funny Morning Jokes
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On a cold winter's morning Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:

"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back:

"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:

"Computer is really screwed up now.”

Score: 1861

My boss was honest with me today. He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

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As told to me by my 7 YO son this morning... Him: What's a pirates favorite letter?
Him: You would think it would be ARRRGH but my first love be the "C"!

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what has 2 legs in the morning and 3 in the afternoon? I have no idea but it's in my basement please send help.

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I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself... I really need to wash some mugs.

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My son was on eBay this morning. Child services were not impressed with me.

Score: 1346

Why did the sperm cross the road? I accidentally put on the wrong sock this morning.

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I actually heard this joke in a dream this morning What do you call a little square that hasn't developed its new dimension yet?


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My boss pulled up to work in his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied: "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

Score: 1118

My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 AM! Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums

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This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.

I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.

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What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water? It might take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid this morning.

Score: 1009

I started calling my toilet the "Jim"... instead of the John.

It sounds much better when I say that I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

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Every single morning I get hit by the same bike It's a vicious cycle.

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A Russian named Rudolf woke up one morning He looked out the window and announced, _"It's raining."_

His wife said, _"No dear, it's sleeting."_

He replied, _"Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."_

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For those of you wondering what it’s like to be married I just found out this morning I’m on day 3 of an argument I didn’t know I was having.

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I'm making a fortune promoting home security systems The pitch is easy. All I do is say "Good morning". At 3am whilst sitting on the end of their bed.

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My neighbor knocked on my door at 3 in the morning... Lucky for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

Score: 222

I woke up this morning and realised I didn't have to go to school today. I was so happy... then I remembered I'm an unemployed 43-year-old.

Score: 150

I got into a fight with my erection this morning. I beat it single handedly.

Score: 99

This morning I entered a store... I noticed the clerk had a missing hand and a watch on it, that kept falling.

\-Why don't you wear it on the other hand?

\-And how am I supposed to put it on, smartass?


I've decided to mind my own business from now on.

Score: 81

This morning I mixed redbull with coffee to help me wake up. I got about halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

Score: 60

I finally managed to achieve my new years resolution My 4K monitor turned up this morning, I'm so happy!!

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I told the waitress my coffee tasted like mud... "It should. It was fresh ground this morning"

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I read this morning there's a test to find out if you have early stage Alzhimer's. And then this morning I read that there's a test to find out if you have early stage Alzhimer's.

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New Morning Jokes

I’ll be your CAM girl... I’ll store your C at night and release it in the morning

(Sorry for this terrible terrible science joke that no one’s gonna understand lol. But at least it isn’t a repost, 100% from my brain while studying ecology)

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I just thought of this Dad joke My Brother woke up one morning. He said it was so cold and asked me if the heater was on. I said no, but the freezer is!

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What do you call Batman the morning after a big fight? Bruised Wayne

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I woke up this morning and my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying”this isn’t working bye” But when I opened it, it was working fine

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I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon this morning I’ll let you know

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What do you call a waffle that you've dropped on the beach? A sandy Egg

(*My daughter hit me with this one this morning*)

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I came out of Asda this morning and found a women crying her eyes out. She had lost all her money. I felt so sorrt for her I gave her $50. I usually don't do that thing but I'd just found $2000 in the carpark

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I used to host a morning radio show targeting the unemployed, It started at 2pm

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Siri annoyed me all morning. She kept calling me Shirley. Then I remembered I left my phone on airplane mode.

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Even in the morning, when most people's hair is scruffy and looks bad, Will Smith's still looks amazing. Some call him the Fresh Prince of Bedhair.

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I asked a math major freshman friend this morning, "So what's your four-year plan in college?" ohhh you mean my Four-Year Transform or Four-Year Series?

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This morning, my doctor told me I was colorblind. It came completely out of the orange

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I mixed my coffee with Red Bull this morning. I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

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I woke up feeling so animated this morning. Probably because the curtains were drawn.

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Einstein famously said that insanity was doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result... ... so unless I'm crazy, I should probably stop getting out of bed in the morning.

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Einstein famously said that insanity was doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result... ... so I should probably stop getting up in the morning.

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Why did the chicken cross the road first thing in the morning? To go to Starbawwwks.

- Partial credit to my 5 year old.

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morning wood is like my childhood... wasted potential

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Don’t do the dishes mom, it’s mothers day! Leave them, you’ll do them tomorrow morning before everyone wakes up.

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I've been playing hide and seek with a roach for two days now. He still hasn't found me since this morning. What a loser.

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I left my Adderall in my car last night... When I came out this morning, it became a Ford Focus.

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Vladimir Putin receives a phone call from his assistant after the election... "Good morning, Mr. Putin. I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that your adversary has taken 61% of the vote. The good is, you've taken more."

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What's green and hurts the next morning? St. Patrick's Day

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I had my pet duck drug tested this morning... Turns out he’s been doing quack this whole time!

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This morning, I tried to catch the fog I mist.

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A man with two wooden legs had his house lit on fire The firefighters were able to save the house but unfortunately the man was burnt to the ground. He tried to call the insurance company in the morning but...he didn’t have a leg to stand on

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I had such a massive hangover this morning, I just stood in the shower for nearly an hour... Then I summoned the strength to turn it on.

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What does a physicist say when he wakes up in the morning? Up an atom!

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What do old men wake up to? A morning wouldn't.

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Every morning this week a German Shepherd has been taking a dump on my lawn Yesterday he brought his dog.

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The only thing I enjoy about morning exercise Is that it doesn't concern me

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What are the odds of USA beating Brazil in soccer? Brazilian to one....

(credit to bill burr's monday morning podcast)

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The weather forecaster this morning said that vision might be impaired by fog. I agree with him, but that's a weird way to spell "Whiskey".

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It was so hot in Phoenix, the entire city burned to ground was reduced to ashes Dont worry, it came right back up the next morning.

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I was texting on my phone and accidentally rear ended someone this morning... We Pulled into a residential area, the guy got out of his car and lo' and behold, he's a dwarf. He said, "I am NOT happy!!!" I said, "Well then which one are you?"

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I love having a couch in my bedroom it gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning

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What's worse than missing your bus in the morning The Holocaust

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As I'm walking in to work this morning my boss told me to "Have a good day" Who am i to argue? Thanked him and came straight back home

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I saw a dead baby gohst laying on the ground this morning. Turns out it was just a tissue.

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I accidentally swallowed a lot of food coloring this morning. I dyed a little inside.

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A marching band passed by this morning, shouting "Make America Great Again!" Must be some Donald Trumpeters.

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Growing up an orphan was great I could cry in the morning because I was alone.
I could cry during the day because I was alone.
I could cry at night because I was alone.

All without my parents ever bothering me!

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Woke up early this morning to try to catch the fog. I Mist.

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On the Bus Little Johnny says, "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
"Well, you've done the right thing," says Mommy.
"But Mommy, I was sitting on Daddy's lap."

Score: 16

What do you say to a lawyer with a IQ less than 50? Good morning your Honor!

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I really enjoy my morning expresso... ... it's always esploding with flavour.

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Last night I reached for my medicine and accidentally drank from a bottle of whiteout. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

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Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app this morning... ...and it sent an ambulance to my house

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Today it was so cold in the morning that.. I saw a democrat with his hand in his own pocket.

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I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She told me that I have to stop jerking off. I asked, "Why?"

She replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

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A Minsk fireman gets home from work... ... and says to his wife, "They told me that tomorrow I either go to Chernobyl or hand in my Party card."

"But you're not in the party," she replies.

"Right, so I'm wondering how do I get a Party card by tomorrow morning?"

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I couldn't remember what time the sun was set to rise this morning. But then it dawned on me.

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I am NOT Happy! I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT Happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

Score: 7

One morning, a business executive showed up to work wearing an earing on one ear. His shocked co-worker proceeded "When did you start wearing an earing"
"Since my wife found this one in my car" the executive replied.

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I went to the pharmacy this morning and asked for 50 condoms. The girl winked at me and said, "Oh, someone has a busy weekend ahead of them!"

"I know," I said. "I'm making a raincoat for my pet snake."

Score: 12

Was driving to work this morning and saw a pluming truck with the best slogan ever. Had to share... J&S Plumbing: Because sometimes a flush is better than a full house.

Score: 2

Michael Jackson Joke #4543762 Michael Jackson tried killing himself Sunday morning
by jumping off his boat.

The coast guard found him last night, bobbing up and down
on a small buoy.

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I saw a magic tractor this morning It was driving down the road, then it turned into a field.

Score: 10

A pony recently got to work as a teacher, But 1 day before school starts he got a cold. Naturally he couldn't talk as loud as usual so the next day he comes into the class and says: "Good morning! Sorry if I'm being a bit quiet, I'm just a little horse."

Score: 9

I called in to work and asked my boss what the difference between work and his daughter was. I'm not coming into work this morning.

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