If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning Imagine how surprised he must have been.
I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?" I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
I bought a dog from a blacksmith this morning... ...within 10 minutes of getting him home he made a bolt for the door.
Attention America! We Brits have your president! If you do not send us £50M by Sunday morning.... We’ll return him back to you.
I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning She said, “How do you know he was on his way to work?”
Bill Clinton tried to cheer up Hillary this morning. He reminded her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected President until after he had served 27 years in prison.
Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder. We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.
Yesterday I went to temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo. But It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
Got called in for a drug test at work...
They said I tested positive for opioids.
I said "Oh yeah. There were poppy seeds on my bagel this morning."
They said "What about the THC, cocaine, and LSD?"
"It was an everything bagel."
If you're depressed, try drinking a pint of water before going to bed. It'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
Did you hear the shocking news about Yahoo this morning? Apparently they still have 500 million users.
Spent over an hour at the wife's grave this morning. Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then *gently* tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo. After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
On a cold winter's morning
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer is really screwed up now.”
My boss was honest with me today. He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
As told to me by my 7 YO son this morning...
Him: What's a pirates favorite letter?
Him: You would think it would be ARRRGH but my first love be the "C"!
what has 2 legs in the morning and 3 in the afternoon? I have no idea but it's in my basement please send help.
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself... I really need to wash some mugs.
My son was on eBay this morning. Child services were not impressed with me.
Why did the sperm cross the road? I accidentally put on the wrong sock this morning.
I actually heard this joke in a dream this morning
What do you call a little square that hasn't developed its new dimension yet?
My boss pulled up to work in his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied: "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 AM! Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums
This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.
It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.
I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water? It might take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid this morning.
I started calling my toilet the "Jim"...
instead of the John.
It sounds much better when I say that I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike It's a vicious cycle.
A Russian named Rudolf woke up one morning
He looked out the window and announced, _"It's raining."_
His wife said, _"No dear, it's sleeting."_
He replied, _"Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."_
I had coffee with Red Bull this morning... After about 10 minutes on the highway, I realized I left my car at home.
The egg said to the pot of boiling water.... It's gonna take a while to get hard, I just got laid this morning
My neighbor knocked on my door at 3 in the morning... Lucky for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.
I was hungover this morning so I phoned work and said to the boss...
.. "I'm afraid I won't be in today, my father had a massive heart attack and died last night."
"That was your last chance Dave," he said, "I'm taking the 'and son' off the shop sign."
An engineer wakes up one morning and goes downstairs. He sees a note an the fridge from his wife. It read “This isn’t working. I’m at my mother’s.” He opened the fridge and discovered it was working just fine.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon this morning I’ll let you know
What did the fresh egg say to the boiling pot of water? "It's going to take me a while to get hard, I just got laid this morning."
I hate it when people bother me... I'm tired of people ringing my doorbell at all hours of the day and night, asking for donations. This morning it was some woman from the sperm bank. Boy, did I give her a mouthful!
So my foreign professor overheard some attractive girls talking about how they like it long and hard. The exam the next morning sucked.
My Partner's Dog died this morning
To cheer her up, I went out to get her an identical one.
She was fuming, "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?!"
Two smart jokes
What does a scientist call it when they're A/B testing and they find a third variable?
An emergent C
What element do British people like early in the morning?
I woke up this morning and my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying”this isn’t working bye” But when I opened it, it was working fine
What do you call a waffle that you've dropped on the beach?
A sandy Egg
(*My daughter hit me with this one this morning*)
I came out of Asda this morning and found a women crying her eyes out. She had lost all her money. I felt so sorrt for her I gave her $50. I usually don't do that thing but I'd just found $2000 in the carpark
I went to a coffee shop before work this morning.
The coffee tasted like mud.
So I told the barista.
She told me it was fresh ground.
I used to host a morning radio show targeting the unemployed, It started at 2pm
Siri annoyed me all morning. She kept calling me Shirley. Then I remembered I left my phone on airplane mode.
A friend of mine told me this morning that I don’t seem to understand irony... Which itself was ironic since we were at a bus stop at the time.
Lil Jon spent the night at a hotel
The next morning as he is exiting the room, a maid asks him, “Excuse me, would you like turn down service?”
Lil Jon replies, “Turn down? For what?”
I mixed my coffee with Red Bull this morning. I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
So I took my mother in law out yesterday morning... From 1867 yards with a Barrett M82
This morning on my way to work I wasn’t really paying attention and drove into the back of a car at some traffic light.
The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf.
He said, “I’m not happy”
So I said, “Well which one are you then?”
Last night I was with a chick, and she said “No, don’t stop!” The next morning I got hit with a rape charge. That’s when I knew I was terrible at punctuation.
Einstein famously said that insanity was doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result... ... so unless I'm crazy, I should probably stop getting out of bed in the morning.
Einstein famously said that insanity was doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result... ... so I should probably stop getting up in the morning.
Just got kicked out of my second tire shop this morning Wonder what they have against giving me a rim job.....
I never did understand morning wood. I don’t typically get aroused at funerals.
Had a tricky and emotional chat with my 9-year-old son this morning. There was a lot of "Boo hoo, nobody picks me for teams" and "I haven't got any friends". Anyway, he was very nice about it and gave me some tips for being more sociable.
I tried to play frisbee with my dog this morning. It didn't work. Need a flatter dog
Am a joker haha My wife left a note on the fridge this morning saying This is not working goodbye Just opened the fridge & it’s working fine very strange
I've been playing hide and seek with a roach for two days now. He still hasn't found me since this morning. What a loser.
A strange man was knocking on Paris Hilton’s door all through the night. By morning, she was fed up with it, so she let him out.
Why does the pharmacist at the drug store hate prom so much? The morning after always has long lines.
I left my Adderall in my car last night... When I came out this morning, it became a Ford Focus.
What's green and hurts the next morning? St. Patrick's Day
I had my pet duck drug tested this morning... Turns out he’s been doing quack this whole time!
This morning, I tried to catch the fog I mist.
A man with two wooden legs had his house lit on fire The firefighters were able to save the house but unfortunately the man was burnt to the ground. He tried to call the insurance company in the morning but...he didn’t have a leg to stand on
A man was getting married but got cold feet at the last minute...
The next morning he went to work and his co-workers asked "so how'd the wedding go"
He replied "oh, it went off without a hitch"
What does a physicist say when he wakes up in the morning? Up an atom!
What do old men wake up to? A morning wouldn't.
My daughter packed a light bulb in her lunch box this morning.
I asked her, "why did you put that in there?"
She replied, "I want a light snack."
What did the pigeon say to the baker who stopped feeding his family bread in the morning? Coup coup!
Every morning this week a German Shepherd has been taking a dump on my lawn Yesterday he brought his dog.
The only thing I enjoy about morning exercise Is that it doesn't concern me
What are the odds of USA beating Brazil in soccer?
Brazilian to one....
(credit to bill burr's monday morning podcast)
It was so hot in Phoenix, the entire city burned to ground was reduced to ashes Dont worry, it came right back up the next morning.
I love having a couch in my bedroom it gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning
What's worse than missing your bus in the morning The Holocaust
I saw a dead baby gohst laying on the ground this morning. Turns out it was just a tissue.
I accidentally swallowed a lot of food coloring this morning. I dyed a little inside.
I've been really getting into exercise lately. First thing every morning I hit the bag for ten minutes Then she wakes up and makes breakfast
A marching band passed by this morning, shouting "Make America Great Again!" Must be some Donald Trumpeters.
Why did Richard leave his home this morning? For Harambe.
Growing up an orphan was great
I could cry in the morning because I was alone.
I could cry during the day because I was alone.
I could cry at night because I was alone.
All without my parents ever bothering me!
What do you say to a lawyer with a IQ less than 50? Good morning your Honor!
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app this morning... ...and it sent an ambulance to my house
What did the Trump supporting viticulturist say Monday morning? Time to make America Grapes Again.
Was driving to work this morning and saw a pluming truck with the best slogan ever. Had to share... J&S Plumbing: Because sometimes a flush is better than a full house.
Michael Jackson Joke #4543762
Michael Jackson tried killing himself Sunday morning
by jumping off his boat.
The coast guard found him last night, bobbing up and down
on a small buoy.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer this morning... I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day!
I saw a magic tractor this morning It was driving down the road, then it turned into a field.
I was driving to work this morning when a bug splatted into my windscreen. I thought "It'll never have the guts to do that again!"
I made a Belgium waffle this morning, This afternoon I'm going to make a Frenchman talk nonsense.
A Japanese man approaches his American co-worker, whom he knows little about.
Japanese man: Good morning, Chris!
Chris: Good morning, Hiroto!
Hiroto: Chris, I meant to ask you, where in America do you live?
Hiroto: You already said that.
What does a stoner with Parkinson’s disease do in the morning? Shake and bake.
Anyone know how long you can keep a chicken in the freezer? Because I put one in last night and it was dead this morning.
One morning, I shot an elephant in my pajamas...
How he got into my pajamas, I don't know.
- Groucho Marx
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! *Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.*
I called in to work and asked my boss what the difference between work and his daughter was. I'm not coming into work this morning.