Computer Jokes

Contents

Funniest Computer Jokes

Funny Computer Jokes
Score: 18972

The oldest computer... The oldest computer can be traced to Adam and Eve.

Yes, it was an Apple.

But with an extremely limited memory.

Just one byte.

Then everything crashed.

Score: 8125

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.” His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $20.00.”

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $20.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

You have migraines. You need to take better care of yourself. Get daily rest, drink a lot and avoid bright lights, stress, and strain. See me again in 2 weeks.

During the next 2 weeks, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he even added some oil from his car.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $20.00, again stating he had a bad headache. He waited curiously to see what the computer will say about the odd mix. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water has too much waste in it.

Your dog has ringworms.

Your teenage daughter is pregnant.

Your wife has had 5 different lovers in the past six months.

Also, your car needs a new radiator.

And you wonder why you have a headache?

Score: 6413

I like my women like i like my computer Turned on
On my lap
Virus free

Score: 5299

A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?" The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."

Score: 3837

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?" The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

"Yeah that's the one"

Score: 3259

I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash? Because it had a bad driver!

*drops mic*

Score: 2342

The oldest computer can be traced to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple.

But with extremely limited memory - just one byte.

Everything crashed.

Score: 2219

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

Score: 2135

I painted my computer black so it would run faster. Now it doesn't work.

Then I painted my computer white so it would work.

Now the whole system is corrupt.

Score: 1996

I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash? It had a bad driver!

**bows **

I'll show myself out.

Score: 1770

Yeah, I lost to my computer at chess. But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.

Score: 1464

A mugger jumps out in front of a university student... ...and shouts "your money or your life!"

The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a Computer Science student. I don't have either".

Score: 1451

What's Adolf Hitler's favourite computer game? Mein Kraft.

Score: 1269

Painted my computer black hoping it would run faster... Now it just doesn't work.

Score: 1060

My brother wanted to play cowboys and indians So I put on a ten gallon hat and and chaps and he went to MIT and graduated in computer science.

Score: 815

My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again

Score: 803

Me: I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework Computer Science Professor: Your dog ate your coding assignment?

**Awkward silence**

Me: It took him a couple bytes

Score: 619

I like my women like I like my computer Turned on
On my lap
And virus free

Score: 602

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam & Eve. It was an apple with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte & then everything crashed.

Score: 579

What does Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashes? Nothing.

Score: 523

A guy walks into a library... A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."

Score: 512

Do not use “beef stew” as a computer password. It is not stroganoff.

Score: 478

My computer has a virus that causes unblockable popups and constantly demands my personal information... ...it's called Norton

Score: 477

There was a computer dating back to Adam and Eve.. It was an apple, and a very bad one at that. It only took one byte for everything to crash.

Score: 394

I ate my mom... Se knocked te computer on te ground so now some of te keys on te keyboard aren't working rigt.

Score: 393

My mom said that if I don't get off the computer and do my homework she'll slam my head into the keyboard, but I think she's jokinfreoiwjr67uiwosi94ckcjfkdald87lakdofasdkfj

Score: 377

A man walks into a library ... A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that new book for men with small penises?"


The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

"Yeah that's the one!"

Score: 369

I burned my finger on my computer processor. It MHz.

Score: 354

I painted my computer black... thinking it would run faster



but it just stopped working

Score: 343

What did Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashed? Nothing.

Score: 324

A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill... A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat.

I think if he had to build his own computer he'd wouldn't whine on Facebook.

Score: 314

Yesterday my dad told me if he saw me on the computer latenight again... He would smash my head into my keyHDJbdvxhjJDKLXUXBgshdjcmcnGxcNdnckcoNcbcjxndbcjcjkxndJdhhshdbdn

Score: 285

I don't like computer science jokes.. Not one bit

Score: 270

I was speaking to a computer technician. "How do you make a motherboard?" I asked him.

He said, "Tell her about my job."

Score: 260

The oldest computer can be traced to Adam and Eve It was an Apple

With an extremely limited memory.
Just one byte

Then everything crashed

Score: 247

What was Hitler's favourite computer game? Mein Kraft

Score: 238

What's the difference between a computer and an American? An American doesn't have trouble-shooting.

Score: 235

My dad said he'd delete my computer games if I didn't finish mowing the lawn. I did the first half pretty quickly... but now I'm losing Steam.

Score: 223

Me: Boss, I’m sorry I am late. I was having computer issues. Boss: Hard drive?

Me: No, the commute was fine. It was my computer.

Score: 217

I painted my computer black last night Now it runs much faster

Score: 213

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New Computer Jokes

What's the difference between a computer and a cop? One has troubleshooting

Score: 82

I lost my computer RAM. I guess I will have to take a trip down memory lane to buy a new one.

Score: 12

How much storage does an aquatic computer have? A trilobite

Score: 8

A spider crawled on my computer Don't worry it's under CTRL

Score: 8

Know what’s ironic? A computer asking me if I’m a robot.

Score: 35

What is a stoners favorite computer software? Adoobe

Score: 7

Where are dead computer hackers burried? In decrypt.

Score: 3

A spider crawled on my computer Don’t worry, it’s under ctrl

Score: 44

There are two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors. Oh and weird concurrency bugs.

Oh and weird concurrency bugs.

Score: 9

I told my 14 year old son I thought 'Fortnite' was a stupid name for a computer game. ​

I think it is just too weak.

Score: 43

Why are people who use the metric system so good at computer science? Because they are pro-grammers.

Score: 3

Me, to my boss: Sorry I’m late. I was having computer issues. Boss: Hard drive?

Me: No, the commute was fine. It’s the computer.

Score: 50

My doctor told me I injured my eye by staring at my computer screen for too long. I guess I have a terminal disease.

Score: 4

Did you know that the original computer also had a fatherboard? But one day he said he was going out for a extra stick of ram and never came back.

Score: 6

At whom does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working? The task manager.

Score: 9

Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working? The task manager

Score: 25

The first computer dates back to Adam & Eve It was an apple with limited memory, just one byte, and everything crashed

Score: 3

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed.

Score: 142

I was taking a test today for school when the teacher told us that the test would close if we opened a new tab. Thank goodness I opened a new computer up instead.

Score: 6

My computer was arguing with me Luckily, my next move shut it down.

Score: 4

Since MIT is giving free access to their courses online, I shall study Computer science web programming with Python and Java as I thought it would be so cool to have a large snake round my neck as I drink coffee.

Score: 3

A tree needed to get off its computer So it decided to log off

Score: 14

An computer inventor starts talking to his friend. “I’ve almost made a human-like robot!” He says.
“You mean it can think?” His friend replies.
“No, but when it fails, it puts the blame on the back of another computer.”

Score: 14

If R-Kelly was a computer file He'd be a .pdf file

Score: 22

My wife said that if I don’t get off my computer and help with the dishes, she’ll slam my head on the keyboard But I think she’s jokinsg72sjxjgcajx$sn8albxu081wuhxbanqkzvvwjalznjxqoidbz107zvvxjakUhevdz75g&86

Score: 13

An astronaut scheduled for a launch to the space station thought the world was starting to get too chaotic, so he brought a computer keyboard with him on his trip Now everything is back under control.

^^^^^I'm ^^^^^sorry.

Score: 4

Beef It Up Don’t use “beef stew” as a computer password. It’s not stroganoff.

Score: 4

I recently entered a computer coding competition. I took home the gold with 0th place!

Score: 3

What does a Karen do if their computer is slow? They ask to see the task manager.

Score: 11

Have you heard about this new computer attack on people who just bought cars? It's all over the news - the New Car Owner Virus.

Score: 3

What was the first computer to get a hit single? Adele

Score: 3

What happens if you drop a computer on your feet? It hertz

Score: 3

What do you call a computer technician who is a creep? A PDF file

Score: 4

A computer walks into a bar All of his friends goes: “Where have you been, we have waited half an hour”
The computer replies: “Sorry it was a hard drive”

Score: 3

My computer said hello when I turned it on. I figured it must be a Dell

Score: 7

What kind of music do Computer Scientst listen to ? Algorhythm

Score: 7

What kind of computer does I.C.E. use to track down illegals? Alienware.

Score: 4

I played CS:GO in Antarctica My computer kept freezing

Score: 8

I Just Gave My Computer Viagra It went from having a floppy disk to having a hard drive.

Score: 3

What's the difference between a computer science student and a brick? The brick gets laid

Score: 3

Why did it take the computer so long to get here? It had a solid state drive!

(My wife came up with this just now.)

Score: 4

What is Santa's favorite computer task? Clearing cookies!

Score: 9

Your annual reminder that computer programmers cannot tell Christmas from Halloween because DEC(25) = OCT(31)

Score: 11

Don't worry about your smartphone or computer spying on you... Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years

Score: 20

So I got a virus on my computer And the thing is, I didn't do anything and it just disappeared.

Must have ransomware.

Score: 213

Why did the computer go to sleep? It was key-bored!

(An original joke from my 5 year old nephew, a budding comedic genius with impeccable timing!)

Score: 6

How do you scare a computer at Halloween? With a Terror Bite

Score: 6

What do you call a computer that was dropped in the water? Adele Rolling in the Deep

Score: 6

What's the difference between a used car salesman and a computer salesman? A used car salesman knows when he's lying.

Score: 6

It's kind of patronising that a computer asks you to prove you're not a robot...

Score: 18

A computer science major goes to his English professor and says "I've found a fault in the English language and I need an entomologist." "Don't you mean an etymologist?" the teacher asks.

"No," the student replies. "It's a bug, not a feature."

Score: 4

My father was a lumberjack... ...his favorite part about a computer was logging on.

Score: 4

My girlfriend said she was staring at her computer screen not knowing what to write. I told her she must be literary exhausted.

Score: 5

V v

Edit: I guess the ctr key on my computer isn't working

Score: 7

What do you call a computer that sings? ​

Adele

Score: 5

How many computer scientists does it take to change a lightbulb 0 to 1

Score: 5

I opened my GIF file and there was something wrong with it. The computer screen became blank and the GIF came to life. The man from the GIF rushed toward me , said something and sprinted out of my room He said "I'll be back in a GIPHY"

Score: 4

Why do cats like to step on computer keyboards? jfjkl;fdasljki;l nkfskllkteqjpteqjwtjokkkkkkkllllll..

Score: 12

What do you call a computer program that writes a blues song about climate change? An Al-Gore-rhythm!

Score: 5

Did you hear about the computer that was thrown into the ocean? It was a Dell rolling in the deep.

Score: 6

Why can’t a member of the LGBTQ movement be a computer programmer? Because they are non-binary.

Score: 5

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