Computer Jokes

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Funniest Computer Jokes

Funny Computer Jokes
Score: 18972

The oldest computer... The oldest computer can be traced to Adam and Eve.

Yes, it was an Apple.

But with an extremely limited memory.

Just one byte.

Then everything crashed.

Score: 8125

I like my women like i like my computer Turned on
On my lap
Virus free

Score: 5299

A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?" The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."

Score: 3837

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?" The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

"Yeah that's the one"

Score: 3259

I like my women how I like my computer. On my lap.
Turned on.
Virus free.

Score: 2410

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then *gently* tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

Score: 2395

I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash? Because it had a bad driver!

*drops mic*

Score: 2342

The oldest computer can be traced to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple.

But with extremely limited memory - just one byte.

Everything crashed.

Score: 2219

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

Score: 2135

I painted my computer black so it would run faster. Now it doesn't work.

Then I painted my computer white so it would work.

Now the whole system is corrupt.

Score: 1996

On a cold winter's morning Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:

"Windows frozen, won't open."



Husband texts back:

"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."



Wife texts back 5 minutes later:



"Computer is really screwed up now.”

Score: 1861

I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash? It had a bad driver!

**bows **

I'll show myself out.

Score: 1770

Yeah, I lost to my computer at chess. But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.

Score: 1464

A mugger jumps out in front of a university student... ...and shouts "your money or your life!"

The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a Computer Science student. I don't have either".

Score: 1451

Saw "IT" last night Far less "computer networking" and so much more "murderous clowning" than anticipated

Score: 1332

What's Adolf Hitler's favourite computer game? Mein Kraft.

Score: 1269

Painted my computer black hoping it would run faster... Now it just doesn't work.

Score: 1060

My brother wanted to play cowboys and indians So I put on a ten gallon hat and and chaps and he went to MIT and graduated in computer science.

Score: 815

My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again

Score: 803

Making a new password like Me: beefstew
Computer: Sorry, password not stroganoff.

Score: 623

Me: I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework Computer Science Professor: Your dog ate your coding assignment?

**Awkward silence**

Me: It took him a couple bytes

Score: 619

I like my women like I like my computer Turned on
On my lap
And virus free

Score: 602

What does Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashes? Nothing.

Score: 523

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: Windows frozen, won't open. Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap the edges with a hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

Score: 494

My computer has a virus that causes unblockable popups and constantly demands my personal information... ...it's called Norton

Score: 477

How many Mexicans does it take to run a computer? Dos

Score: 467

What's the difference between a feminist and a computer? You can punch information into a computer.

Score: 444

My manly password My wife and I were trying to set up a new password for our computer.

Trying to be clever, I put "Mypenis" and my wife fell to the ground laughing hysterically because on the screen it said:

**"Error. Not long enough."**

Score: 420

There was a computer dating back to Adam and Eve.. It was an apple, and a very bad one at that. It only took one byte for everything to crash.

Score: 394

Einstein famously said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. But doing the same thing over and over again and actually getting a different result - that's called Computer Programming.

Score: 174

My wife is a computer geek and wants to name our son "one eighth of a byte" So I said "Really honey? Don't you think that's a bit...?"

Score: 57

A programming genius named Sewter Built a limerick-writing computer

The metre was fine

And the rhymes quite divine

But for some reason it always got the last line wrong

Score: 17

Why are so many computer scientists atheists? Because praying for a bug fix is guaranteed to fail.

Score: 15

Why did Steve Irwin fail his computer science class? String Arrays

Score: 14

You want some dating advice? Here you go. A man wanted to find a woman and asked the computer to find him the perfect match: "I want someone who is small and cute, loves the water sports and enjoys group activities."

Back came the answer: "Marry a penguin."

Score: 13

Apparently statistics show only "5% o peple" have cracked their phone screens Edit: After reading the same article on my computer, it appears "50% of people" have cracked their phone screens.

Score: 9

My girlfriend just emailed me a photo of us on our first date together. It's a very treasured memory for me. Problem is, the file wont open on my computer. I guess I have emotional attachment issues.

Score: 9

My addiction to computer gaming started when my family bought a PC in the 90's... I guess that was my Gateway drug.

Score: 8

I created a presentation on my computer but didn't use password protection... Now it has visual aids.

Score: 7

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New Computer Jokes

A priest starts hacking into Vatican computer system After thousands lines of code, he presses enter, waits for few seconds and when the screen refreshes, he says:

Amen

Score: 0

What keyboard macro is used to get a cat on a computer? Tab E

Score: 0

I definitely got an UTI from my computer It hurts when IP

Score: 0

My computer told me to enter the Space Bar... ...I couldn't do it because I'm an alcoholic in recovery.

Score: 2

What do you call a computer that was dropped in the water? Adele Rolling in the Deep

Score: 6

A computer science major goes to his English professor and says "I've found a fault in the English language and I need an entomologist." "Don't you mean an etymologist?" the teacher asks.

"No," the student replies. "It's a bug, not a feature."

Score: 4

The only thing that happens when gamers rise up is their computer chairs get 290lbs lighter.

Score: 2

Why can’t a member of the LGBTQ movement be a computer programmer? Because they are non-binary.

Score: 5

She said, "I love you to bits." He looked up from his computer, stared at her for a while and said.. "I love you to bytes."

Score: 2

What do you call a cat on the computer? A hacker

Score: 1

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was Apple's and had *very* limited memory. Just one bite and everything crashed

Score: 5

Did you guys see the new Apple computer reveal? It’s the most expensive Mac and cheese you can ever get.

Score: 3

What's the Flash' computer password? 1barry1

Score: 3

Russian computer: Please enter password Me: Beef_stew
Russian computer: Password not stroganoff

Score: 5

What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he is hooked into? The computer actually runs

Score: 4

What is a computer programmer’s favorite book? A dictionary, because it defines variables

Score: 4

I don't care for computer science. Not one bit.

Score: 2

Since i got fat, the only thing that goes down on me... ...is the computer chair in my office

Score: 5

My dog ate my computer science project "your dog ate your coding assignment?"


It took him a couple bytes

Score: 6

I tried to load an ASCII picture of ice cream on my ancient computer and I succeeded! I got a nice picture of Haagen-DOS

_
,' `,.
>-.(__)
(_,-' |
`. |
`.|
`

​

Score: 4

If you want to be a computer science major, all you have do is get sick. Before long you’ll be coughing and hacking.

Score: 2

What is the worst possible chip a computer could have? A Dorito.

Score: 2

I bought a computer with Windows Vista installed on it. People were joking and laughing at me for the "bad deal" I had made. Little do they know, I got legimate Windows 95 too. All original. Joke's on them, I consider this as a Win Win situation.

Score: 2

People say the brain is a computer, but if it is... Why can't it run Skyrim?

Score: 5

The difference between twitch streamers and homeless pan handlers a computer

Score: 6

I went to see a guy from Geek Squad to look at my computer While he was working on it, he mentioned how hard the dating scene was for nerdy guys like him.

"Go to the grocery store across the street," I suggested.

"Why?"

"There are 'Best Buy' dates everywhere!"

Score: 2

What is the most commonly used language in computer programming? Foul

Score: 2

A computer tells a joke AI lmao

Score: 1

How does a Jedi exit a computer program? He Force quits.

Score: 2

What brand of routers & switches do Native American indians use for computer networking on the reservation? **TP-Link** mostly, but occasionally they use **Buffalo**....

Score: 0

What is drake's favorite computer brand Lenovo

Score: 2

Tech support got a phone call... Customer: "I don't get it, I pressed 'suspend' on my computer, the screen went black."

Technician: "Yeah, it puts your computer to sleep."

Customer: "But, it's still sitting on the desk..."

Score: 1

What do a faulty computer and a fat man have in common? Neither of them run well.

Score: 3

1000 years from now our president will probably be a computer. a ***racist*** computer.

Score: 1

What does the libertarian computer programmer say? All fields should be private.

Score: 3

What computer brand sings? A dell

Score: 1

Steven hawking is setting a bad example for kids these days... Being on his computer all day

Score: 3

What do you call a nap in computer science class? A CS-ta

Score: 6

A man was arrested for dumping Chinese food on his neighbor's computer He was charged with wonton destruction of property

Score: 3

I was in a computer room in college today... A black person asked where the coloured printer was. I said, "it's 2016 you can use any printer."

Score: 3

Joke for computer scientist How many kinds of people do exist?
10 - those who understand computers and those who don't.

Score: 2

Why did the computer science student drop out? He just couldn't hack it.

Score: 3

Did you hear about the Bangladeshi computer scientist? Apparently, he is really good at hacking!

Score: 2

How he set the new pasword for his computer A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

Score: 4

TIL that, on a Windows computer, your browser will become transparent if you press Alt+f4 Just kidding, it's actually Ctrl+W

Score: 3

What are OJ Simpsons favorite computer keys? @Home //\ Shift shift shift esc

(At Home slash slash backslash Shift shift shift escape)

Score: 0

Mate your passwords not long enough A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

Score: 1

I tried painting my computer black to make it run faster but now, it won't work!

Score: 2

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