Farm Jokes

Contents

Funniest Farm Jokes

Funny Farm Jokes

The internet connection at my farm was really poor, so I moved the modem to the barn. Now I have stable wifi

I was walking passed a farm and a sign said ‘Duck, eggs’. I thought, that’s an unnecessary comma. And then it hit me.

My boyfriend started a bee farm to help save the bees I think he's a keeper

I was walking past a farm and a sign said, “Duck, eggs.” I thought, “That’s an unnecessary comma…” – and then it hit me.

The internet connection at my farm is really sketchy... So I moved the modem to the barn.

Now I have stable Wi-Fi!

Do you remember when people didn't have to make pop culture references to make a joke? Pepperidge Farm remembers.

Latvian man goes to buy iPhone.. Premise ridiculous! iPhone cannot be use to farm potato.
Also, salesman die of malnourish.

What do a farm and hospital have in common? Too many vegetables for one person to take care of.

What kind of farm has lots of books but no livestock? Barns and no-bulls.

(This joke was made up by my 7 year-old cousin.)

Why did the tractor sell medicines? Because it was a farm assist!


... I'm sorry...

I got a job as the senior administrator of the old McDonald farm I’m the CIEIO

My black girlfriend told me this on our first date. What do you call 200 black people in a barn?

Antique farm equipment.

In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken. Since then, the steaks have never been higher.

When I'm single I go straight to the farm and collect eggs It's the best place place to pick up chicks.

I got a promotion at the farm I'm the new CIEIO

The internet connection in my farm was really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn. Now I have stable wifi.

What do blacks and apples have in common? If they're not being sold on a farm they're hanging from a tree.

Da ho, no I didnt.

There was a bad storm that broke the chicken coop causing a farmer to lose a few chickens. After the storm he asked his farm hand how many chickens were left.

“16 chickens, sir.”

“Alright, round them up, please.”

“20 chickens, sir.”

My boyfriend just started a bee farm to help save the bees I think he's a keeper

McDonald’s fired CEO Steve Easterbrook has already got a new job at Old McDonalds farm He's their CIEIO

I got a new job today at Old MacDonald’s Farm I’m going to be the CIEIO

what do you call a Kentucky farm girl who can run faster than her dad? A Virgin

A teacher was quizzing Johnny on farm animals Teacher: "Johnny, what does the chicken give you?"

Johnny: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

Johnny: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Johnny: "Homework!"

Whats the difference between a dairy farm and a McDonalds. You’ll get arrested if you try to milk the cows at McDonalds.

There's a pig on the farm tanning... And the farmer walks up to him and says, "Hey pig, what are you laying out in the sun for?"

The pig then says, "Oh no reason, I'm just bacon!"

I am *very* proud of this joke.

A married couple were fighting... ...when they drove past a farm full of pigs. The husband then asked his wife, "Family of yours?" The wife looked at the pigs, then replied, "Yea, in-laws."

A couple had a big argument in the car. They didn't talk to each other then entire trip. They passed a farm with pigs, in which the husband saw an opportunity to break the ice.
"Look, those must be your relatives"
The lady, keeping her cool, replied "In-laws"

Stalin walks into a field Farm worker: Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God!

Stalin: But God does not exist.

Farm worker: And neither do the potatoes.

The internet connection at my farm was really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn. Now I have stable wifi.

I just inherited a dairy farm I dont like it but I'm going to milk it for all its worth!!!

My dad's favorite story is about how he single-handedly saved a dairy farm from bankruptcy The story is pretty cheesy, but he milks it for all its worth.

Why did the worker on the egg farm get fired from his job? Because he had a crack addiction.

Recent research shows that horses tend to have much better mental health than other farm animals Due to their stable environment

A herd of cattle got into a cannabis farm and began to graze... When asked how serious the situation was, the owner responded, "the steaks have never been higher!"

I just got a job as Senior director at old MacDonald's farm I'm the CIEIO

I made a movie about farm life… …but the film quality was too grainy and the plot too corny…

What lives on a farm and says moo? a bilingual chicken

I don’t know what to say. Someone stole all the fruit from my farm in Georgia. I’m peachless.

Member when "Member Berries" wasn't the main remember meme? Pepperidge farm remembers.

Popular Topics

New Farm Jokes

A woman picking apples at a farm fell from a ladder, breaking her neck... Fortunately, another farmhand saw her and quickly brought her in to where the horses were housed.

She's now in stable condition.

Teaching the farm animals to read was going well until the chickens read a book on democracy Then they staged a Coop d'etat

Did you hear State Farm has a new slogan? Like a good neighbor stay over there

I stopped by my one of my bee keeper friends' farm to buy a dozen bees. When he counted out thirteen I said "that's too many". He said "that's a free bee".

Has anyone seen Jake from State Farm? Is anyone else care State Farm is gaslighting us? Or is this one of those Mandela Effect situations?

Contender for worst joke of the day: What do you call the offspring of farm chickens? Children of the Cornish Hens.

Running a chicken farm is more complicated than I thought. There are so many layers...

How is a piece of farm equipment with headlights similar to the Starship Enterprise? They both have tractor beams!

I had a brilliant plan to cover my neighbor's farm in plastic to destroy his business, but when I returned from the store with the cellophane, he had already enveloped my farm entirely with Reynolds wrap. It seems my plot was foiled.

If Rage Against the Machine had a farm Bow Wow Chicken Bow Wow Chicken Chicken Chicken Bow Wow Chicken Bow Wow


COME WIT IT NOW!!!

I have a dairy farm I have a dairy farm I named Dairy Air.

Now it’s the butt of every joke.

What do you call a psychopathic farm? A hos-till farm

After I left my farm to join the army, I learned that my wife bought a new tractor to replace my labor. She wrote me a "John Deere" letter.

The cows accidentally walked into our hemp farm Their steaks have never been so high

I was walking past a farm and a sign says 'Duck, eggs!' I thought, "That's an unnecessary comma - and then it hit me"

What do you call a person who used to be a fan of farm machinery? An ex-tractor fan

At first the doctor didn't recognize the farm boy that had been in the threshing accident... ...but then he re-membered him.

I was walking past a farm and a sign read "Duck, eggs" I thought "that's an unnecessary comma-- then it hit me.

What do you call a farm hand who can't stop laughing? A jolly rancher.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Across the road was a weed farm

What advice does Fleetwood Mac give for the keeping of farm animals? You can grow your own hay!

Yesterday I was working on the farm when I saw a bunch of chickens just strutting around... It was like poultry in motion.

Dad Joke #1 I got into an argument with the guy one farm over. He got so mad, he threw a rooster at me.

"Careful now" I said, "Them's fightin' birds."

A farmer counted 196 cows in his farm But when he rounded them up, he had 200.

A man goes to a farm to purchase the most pregnant looking goat Long story short that kids is how I met your mother

I'm a farm boy When my wife was in labor I said, ” I'm not nervous. I've seen this a bunch of times with cows!"

Just got the job as the senior director of the Old McDonald Farm I’m the CIEIO

What does a farm smell like? derriere

Slogan for a cattle farm that's struggling to survive after being pressured by big pharma We're doing rBST.

A man was convicted for killing a cow in a rice farm with mini ceramic figurines It was a Knick knack paddy whack :)

I got spit on by a farm animal and thought it was the end of the world. It was just the alpaca lips.

What did the Amish husband say to his wife when she got back from working out on the farm all day? Amish you.

I visited a rabbit farm It was a hare raising experience

Please, please don't start growing marijuana on your cattle farm The steaks are too high

I was at the farm with my friend when we chanced upon a cow with multiple gunshot wound My friend looked up and said "holy cow"

Just got a job as senior director at Old MacDonald's Farm I'm now the CIEIO

Y’all remember when Ritz and Goldfish crackers didn’t contain trace amounts of salmonella? Pepperidge farm remembers.

What do you call the corpses of slaves from the 1700s? Antique farm equipment

What was the English singers Sheep Farm called? Eds Sheeran

What did the farmer say about his hot pepper farm in the mountains? It's a little chilly.

Popular Topics

Long Farm Jokes

9 months later!!!

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm
and asked the attractive lady who answered the
door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have
this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors
will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in
the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they
got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an
unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined
that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith,
do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about
9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed
about being found out,'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Keith's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why
do you ask?'


She just died and left me everything.'



(And you thought the ending would be different!)

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about each other. Her dog's name was Daisy. My truck's name was Dodge Ram (I apologized for my lack of creativity). She was a CPA. I was a beekeeper.

And at this, she stumbled. "If we ever meet in real-life, I want you to know that I could never date a beekeeper." But we were still far away from that point, so it was moot.

But time went on, and we gradually became closer to that point. More personal information. What firm she worked for. Where my farm was. Names of relatives. Names of high schools. All the things that just come up in conversation eventually if you talk to someone long enough.

But, oddly, after all this time, neither of us had thought to send any pictures. Until one day I got a message from her: "I never thought I'd say this, but I really do want to meet you in person. I think we have a rare connection, and I don't want to squander it. I want to send you my picture, and I want you to send me yours, but I'm telling you, I can never date a beekeeper."

I couldn't imagine a life without my bees. But I also couldn't imagine a life without her. Tentatively, reluctantly, I clicked on the image attached to her message.

Then I saw her face. Now I'm a bee leaver.

An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin’!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there’s no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are dead because we’ve been on a ’route march’ - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin’ - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a possum’s bum and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target! You don’t even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it’s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he’s 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can’t complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

F: You here about the dog?

M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the garage, where a dog is lying on a dog bed. It sees them and walks over to them.

F: Go on, ask him anything.

The man says;

M: Alright dog, tell me about yourself.

To the mans surprise, the dog begins to speak, clearly and with proper words, not the typical "arooo you" that you usually hear on the internet.

D: Well, when I was a young pup, I always wanted to serve my country. So, as soon as I could, I enlisted with the airport security as a sniffer dog. I was real good at my job too, got a few promotions and turned some heads. Eventually, the US army picked me up as a bomb-sniffer dog, and I helped prevent tragedies all across the country and oversees. After a while I retired, found myself a nice girl, had a few pups, and finally came to this farm to live out my golden years.

The man is stunned. He says to the farmer:

M: Holy cow, you were right! Why are you only asking $5 for this dog!?

F: Cause he's a liar! He ain't ever done any of that!

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida

He goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota ."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".

The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota , but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.’

John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north…

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry." John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf.


But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, "Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Keith.

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes!" Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Keith's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"Well, she just died and left me everything."

Donald Trump and his chauffeur are driving on a country road.

Suddenly, a pig runs in front of the car. The chauffeur has no time to react, so he runs over the animal, killing it instantly. They get out of the vehicle, look around and spot a small farm in the distance. Trump says:

The pig probably came from there. You should at least tell them that you killed the pig...

So the chauffeur does as he's told. Few hours later, he comes out of the farmhouse, covered in lipstick kiss marks, and a champagne in each hand. Trump asks:

Jesus! What did you tell them?

What you told me to;

"Hi I'm Donald Trump's chauffeur, and I've just killed the pig!"

There are two sisters...

... one is blonde and the other is brunette and they inherit the family farm.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the farm, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our farm.

I need her to hitch the trailer to our 4x4 and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, and then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.

She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your 4x4 and drive out here to haul that bull back to your farm if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. It's a big word. She'll read it very slowly.....

THE salesman story.

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota ."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".

The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota , but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.’

Best Salesman Ever!

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young guy says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average sales to 25 to 30 customers a day. This is gonna have to change very soon if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$124,548.88".

The boss, astonished, says $124,548.88??? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Chevrolet Suburban."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a SUV???"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Bro, your weekend's a mess, you should go fishing."

A goat gets his wish granted by a genie.

He wishes to be turned into a human being. After his transformation, the, now, man is so grateful to the genie. He asks "How can I ever repay you?"

The genie just has this request: That the man make the most of his life and live like no man has lived before; love like no man has loved before; and care like no man has cared before. The man obliges.

He first sets out to find his "calling". Over the years, he works many jobs. He finds himself becoming depressed with the monotony that he has come to know. Finally, he decides to go back to his roots and do what he knows. He becomes a farmer. With the money he has accumulated from his many professions, he buys a large farm where he decides to take in unwanted and ill animals. Goats (obviously), pigs, cows, cats, dogs, and various other animals. He cares for them. He comes to know and understand them. He has a deep connection with them.

One day, a woman brings her dog to the man's farm. She is worried about the dog. She says ever since the dog's sibling died, he hasn't seemed right. The man agrees to take the dog and care for it. He knows the other animals will comfort it and the dog will enjoy his new family. The woman comes to visit the dog regularly. She becomes familiar with all of the other animals on the farm, and most of all, the man. They spend hours together each visit. Talking and taking care of the animals together. Hours turn to days. Days to weeks. The man asks the woman to live with him and his animals. The woman obliges. They are in love. They are truly happy.

The genie comes to the man one night in his dreams. The genie says to the man "You have lived like no other man; you have loved like no other man; and you have cared like no other man. You have done well".

The man wakes up the next morning and he doesn't feel well. He can't explain it, but somethings not right. Weeks go by and the man's condition seems to worsen. His doctors cannot explain his rapidly deteriorating health. The woman is always by his side when she's not caring for his animals. The woman's dog sleeps at the foot of his bed. Never leaving. At last, it seems like he cannot hold on for much longer. He's barely able to speak at this point. He motions for the woman to come near. He says to her "Do you want to know why I fell in love with you all those years ago? Do you want to know why I love you more and more every day?"

She says, "Yes, my love, tell me."

With his final breath, he tells her "Because you make me feel like a kid again."

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" store looking for a job.

The Manager says,
"Do you have any sales experience?"
The young guy says
"Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough,
but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters,
"One".
The boss says
"Just one? Our sales people average sales to 25 to 30 customers a day.
This is gonna have to change very soon if you'd like to continue your employment here.
We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes,
so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day.
He asked (sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and
says
"$124,548.88".
The boss, astonished,
says
$124,548.88???
What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says,
"Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast,
so I told him he was going to need a boat,
so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it,
so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Chevrolet Suburban."
The boss said
"A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a SUV???"
The kid said
"No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife,
and I said,
'Bro, your weekend's a mess, you should go fishing.

John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry." John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, "Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Keith.

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes!" Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Keith's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"Well, she just died and left me everything."

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job...

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says
"Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".
The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt
kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I
told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department
and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to
the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.........'"

Farm kid writes letter home after joining Marines....

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting used to it, so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.

We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8″ and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm

A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm. When the police arrived, they asked the farmer what happened.

Farmer: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them.
One of the police men asked with shock; "are you sure they were all dead"?

Farmer: Some of them were screaming, "we are still alive".
But I couldn't believe them.
You know, these politicians. They can lie.

My friend told me this joke

It seems a young farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and eat dinner with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon back up." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Nonsense, come on!" the farmer insisted. "Well, okay," the boy finally agreed, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"

"Under the wagon."

A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"

The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"

"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.

"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once."

An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope you're are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin’!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there’s no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are dead because we’ve been on a ’route march’ - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin’ - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a possum’s bum and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target! You don’t even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it’s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he’s 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can’t complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

An elderly man in Florida . . .

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it
over, as he hadn't been there for a while.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligators."

Popular Topics