Beach Jokes

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Funniest Beach Jokes

Funny Beach Jokes

I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend. Until the LSD wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a car park.

I sneaked onto a beach early this morning. The coast was clear.

When my grandfather died we scattered his remains in the sea Everyone on the beach panicked because we didn't cremate him...

I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

I saw a man at the beach going "Help! Shark! Help!" I laughed because I knew that the shark wasn't going to help him.

A Life Guard is walking along a beach A Life Guard is walking along a beach when she sees a man splashing around feverishly in the ocean. "Help, shark! Help!" he cries.

The Life guard laughs, because she knows the shark will never help that man.

Went to a nude beach today and let me tell you- I had a lot of women’s attention. I could just feel them dressing me with their eyes.

sin and cos are lying down next to each other on the beach when all of a sudden sin jumps on top of cos. cos shouts "what are you doing?" sin replies, "im trying to get tan."

I heard a guy at the beach screaming, "HELP! SHARK! HELP!" I just laughed. I knew that Shark wasn't going to help him.

I saw a guy at the beach yelling ' Help! Shark! Help!' I just laughed at him... I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

I was on the beach with my daughter. After a while, she turned to me and said, "Dad, you look like a lobster."

"Oh no," I replied, "Am I burning?"

She said, "No. Just very ugly."

2 blondes were walking along a beach when one said, "Look! A dead bird!" The other looked up.

Swimming in the Ocean I while back I was sitting on a beach in Mexico watching this guy in the ocean screaming "HELP SHARK, HELP!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

I took my metal detector to the beach today expecting to find antiques of great value. Beach better have my money

Where are you when you're eating an Eggo on the beach and you drop it in the sand? San Diego

(thought of this myself, it's better spoken)

Saw some kids building sandcastles on the beach so I ran and jumped on one of them. Then I wrecked his sandcastle.

I went to this restaurant on the beach in Florida and ordered something called the Pelican Burger. It was good, but the bill was enormous.

A woman is walking along a beach when she sees a man splashing around feverishly in the ocean. "Help, shark! Help!" he cries.



The woman laughs, because she knows the shark will never help that man.

TIL there's a city named after a waffle dropped on the beach San Diego

When my grandfather died we decided to scatter his remains at sea. Everyone at the beach started freaking out cause we didn't cremate him.

A UNIX Salesperson A unix salesperson named Lenore

Loved her job, but loved the beach more.

She devised such a way

to combine work and play:

She sells C-shells by the seashore

Saw a man at the beach yelling "HELP! SHARK! HELP!!!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

The Beach Boys walk into a bar... "Round?"
"Round?"
"Get a round"
"I get a round?"
"Get a round...."

Why couldn’t the lifeguard at the beach save the hippie? He was too far out

What do you call a waffle on the beach in Southern California? A sandy Eggo!

A father confronts his young son in the backyard. “I heard you skipped school today to go to the beach with your friends.”

“That’s a lie!” the boy shouts. “And I’ve got the movie stub to prove it.”

I saw a guy at the beach yelling, “Help! Shark! Help!” I was like, “I don’t think that shark is going to help you.”

A mathematician tries to go to the beach... A mathematician tried to go to the beach to get a tan, but he couldn't find it cos there were no sines.

The Beach Boys Walk Into A Bar Bartender: “Round”

BB: “Round?”

Bartender: “Get a Round”

BB: “I’ll get a Round”

I was walking near the Beach When I heard someone yell "Help shark Help"... I laughed because I knew no sharks were going to come help.

A beach ball was $50 So I asked the manager, "Why is this so expensive?"
The manager replied, "Inflation"

What did the sign say at the nude beach during off season? Sorry, were clothed.

Watching the olympics women beach volleyball first round... There's already been a wrist injury, but I should be ok by tomorrow.

When my grandfather died, we decided to scatter his remains in the sea. Everyone at the beach started freaking out, because we didn’t cremate him.

I'm at the beach with my friend. He's a huge prankster. He's just gone way out into the water with some of that red food colouring.

Hasn't moved for about ten minutes. Brilliant.

What do you call a beach with crooked waves? [OC] A Scoli-ocean!

(Came up with that recently, hope it tickles your funny bone)

Did you hear about the man with dandruff who got eaten by a shark? They found his head and shoulders on the beach

What do you call a beach where you go to shoot gorillas and break Islamic law? Haram Bay

walking down the beach when I saw a guy Guy: HELP! SHARK! SHARK! HELP ME!

Me: (laughs) that sharks not gonna help him

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New Beach Jokes

Why would you really want to win a game of beach volleyball on a hot and sunny day? Because defeat hurts.

Why did so many people go to the beach this morning? They wanted to catch a second wave.

What's common between a beach ball and a girl? They're both boyn't.

Did you hear about the beach that was into both male and female beaches? It was bicoastal.

After getting a huge bonus at work, I used it to fund my parents' trip to a beach resort in the Caribbean. They spent a week enjoying the son's raise.

What’s the difference between a beach and a tarot deck? One has coast guards, the other has ghost cards.

Why did the beach smell? Because the seaweed.

help shark The other day i was at the beach when i saw a guy in the sea flailing about and shouting "help shark help shark"

i thought its nice that he is asking the shark for help but he should probably call the lifeguard instead

What do you call a beach sorceress? ...a sandwitch

A trigonometric ratio goes to the beach It wanted to get a tan

I asked this Spanish guy if he wanted to come to the beach with me, but he just stood there and refused to move. It turned out he was a non-playa character.

3 Hippos fall from a plane. 2 land on the beach and one lands in the water. Ba-Dum Tsssh!

So I was on the beach and there was a "no nudism" sign. Saw a guy totally naked and noticed he had beautiful testicles... ...I said to him: "I don't approve of what you're doing, but I admire your balls."

This guy at the beach offered me a free kite. I turned him down. You know why? He said the deal was no strings attached.

Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean? It's tide.

I saw a famous rapper on a beach in France today. Guess who it was. Kendrick La Mer

why do painters feel cold at the beach because they're use to having two coats on

Beach Boys: If everybody had an ocean across the USA, then everybody'd be surfin’ like California. Climate change scientist: You're missing the point, Boys.

This was my first time at a nude beach Men always run head first for some reason

had a great swim along the beach in Bali perfect visibility and tons of coral. I saw a colorful but scary looking thing attached to a rock and waving in the gentle current. I thought to myself: "is it a friend, or anemone?"

Standing on the beach after the great proletariat revolution of 1907, what did one Russian say to the other? serfs up!

I was at the beach today and I saw a man in the sea, yelling: "Help, shark! Help!" I just laughed.
I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

My girlfriend couldn't make it to the beach this year so she told me to say "Hi" to the ocean for her. I told her it waved.

Went to the beach the other day and I ran into my science teacher. She was there with her sister being buried in the sand. Her entire body was covered except one spot and that’s when she yelled... “Hey! Get Mitosis”

You know what's cooler than going to the beach on a summer day? Going to the beach on a winter day.

A man was walking alone on a beach when he came across a pirate. The pirate asked him “where are your buccaneers matey?”. So the man replied: “Under my buccan hat”

What's the difference between period blood and beach sand? I can't gargle sand.

At the beach on a summer day, you'll find many different swim techniques: backstroke, frontstroke, breaststroke, etc. I, for one, am the master of the heat stroke

A man's head was found on the beach the other night and there was a note in a bottle next to him, It said "I don't need no body".

I was on the beach with my ex-wife. She said, "Why don't you go out for a swim in the water?"


"I'm not going out there," I said. "There are man-eating sharks out there."


She said, "You'll be fine then."

How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff? ...because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.

What did the bikini-clad woman who was on the beach say when Michael Jackson approached? Get out of my sun!!

Your momma so fat.. When she lays on the beach to sun bath, Greenpeace comes over and tries to tow her back into the water.

Trump rally... Tomorrow at 8 am on the beach at Wilmington North Carolina. Spread the word!

Just Been Watching The Ladies Beach Volley Ball And There Has Already Been A Bad Wrist Injury, I Should Be Okay By The Morning Though.

A BLIND MAN AT A NUDE BEACH How can you always tell a blind man at a nude beach?

It's not hard.

I got a sunburn on the beach yesterday whilst reading about trigonometry. ...you should see my tan lines today

Why was the beach wet? Because the sea weed

What kind of drink you need when you miss your old girlfriend? Ex on the beach

I had plans to go to the beach today, but the skies are cloudy and it is raining It's really irrigating.

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Long Beach Jokes

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”

He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.”

“No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

“Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sally and she’s selling batteries.”

“Batteries?” cried the wife.

“Yes,” he replied. “Sally sells C cells by the Seashore.”

Nude Beach

Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

A Jewish grandmother is walking on the beach with her grandson...

Suddenly, a rogue wave comes in and sweeps the grandson out to sea. Distraught, the grandmother looks to the sky and says, "Oh god, i have always been true and faithful to you. Please bring my grandson back." And with that, another wave comes in and deposits the grandson safely on the shore. The grandmother once again looks to the sky and says, "He had a hat."

Dolphin joke...made it up myself today. :)

An aquarium guide brought a group of visitors around to see the dolphins, which were split up into two tanks. In the first tank the dolphins were all having fun, playing around with a beach ball. In the second tank the dolphins were training, working hard on a new trick. One of the visitors asked the guide, "So is this tank for the more serious dolphins?" The guide said, "Yes, for all intensive porpoises."

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests.

The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.

He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

A man, a sheep and a dog were stranded in an island..

A man, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on an island.
After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze warm and gentle-a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was badly injured when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze-perfect for a night of romance.


Pretty soon the man started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, leaned over to the young woman and cautiously whispered in her ear, " Would you mind taking the dog for a walk? "

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.

"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total" says the Genie.
The Irishman says "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I wish all the oceans to be full of fish for all eternity and a fleet of fishing boats to catch them."
So, with a blink of the Genie's eye the oceans were teeming with fish.
The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I wish for a great wall around England, protecting her, and all the foreigners were gone".
With a blink of the genie's eye, there was a huge wall around England and all foreigners disappeared.
The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Scot says, "Ach, double the size of it and fill it up with water."

A guy, a pig, and a dog are the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island.

After being there for awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every night to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle -- in short, a perfect night for romance! Well, that pig started looking better and better, and pretty soon the guy rolled towards the pig and put his arm around it. The dog was not very happy with this, and growled fiercely at the guy until he moved his arm away.

The three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there were no more efforts at cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to good health.When she was completely well, they introduced her to their nightly beach ritual.

Then came another gloriously beautiful evening -- red sunset; delicate cirrus clouds; gentle, warm breeze -- again, perfect for romance. The guy started getting "those ideas" again, so he leaned over to the girl, and said,

"Um... would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

A man, his dog, and a sheep

A man washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed-up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.


After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The sheepdog, ever-protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.

That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave-in and leaned over to Hillary and told her he hadn't had *** for months. Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'

Benny and the Magic Urn

Once upon a time there was a man named Benny. Benny was a simple man with simple talents and simple desires. He was a quiet fellow who loved to walk the beach when he had some time to spare. He was the kind of guy you wouldn't mind having a drink with, but anything more might be tedious. One day, as Benny was walking the beach, he stumbled over a small black jar-shaped object. Benny curiously picked it up and began to brush off the sand.

*Woosh*

Benny winced as sand flew into his eyes, blinding him temporarily. By the time he opened his eyes, a shadow had been cast over him.

**"I AM KHALROG, GENIE OF THE URN, YOU HAVE AWOKEN ME FROM MY SLUMBER. WHAT IS YOUR ONE TRUE DESIRE?"** the genie bellowed.

Stunned, Benny could hardly believe what he was seeing. Benny thought for a moment as he regained his senses. Then he began to speak, "Well, I've always wanted a magnificent beard. I've always had a hard time with the ladies and I hear great beards are a wonderful attraction."

**"VERY WELL,"** replied the genie, **"YOU MAY HAVE YOUR BEARD. HOWEVER, I MUST WARN YOU THAT THIS BEARD COMES AT A PRICE: YOU MUST NEVER SHAVE IT OFF."**

Benny thought for a moment, then agreed to the genie's conditions. A brilliant beard protruded from Benny's chin and grew and grew until finally it reached his belly. This was fantastic! Surely he would be a ladies' man now!

Years passed by as Benny became an icon of beard lovers everywhere. He won contest after contest and seducing women had never been easier. Then one day, he met the woman of his dreams. They went on several dates together before she revealed to him that she would love nothing else than to see him without his beard. Benny loved his beard, but he loved this woman much more. Reluctantly, he agreed to shave it off in the morning.

The next morning, Benny grabbed his razor and started to shave his beard.


*POOF*


Suddenly, Benny was teleported into a round, black room!

"Egad!" Benny cried. "Where am I!?"

**"YOU HAVE DISOBEYED THE ONE RULE, BENNY,"** a voice behind him roared.

Benny stammered, "But I... I... it's only a beard! Why are you doing this to me?"

The genie replied, **"I AM THE GENIE OF THE URN, BENNY. I HAVE RULES. WHEN THOSE RULES ARE BROKEN, YOU MUST BE PUNISHED."**

"So... so... what's my... my punishment then?" Benny stuttered.

**"YOU WILL REMAIN HERE IN MY URN FOR ALL ETERNITY AND THE WORLD WILL KNOW YOUR FAULTS."** the genie exclaimed.


And from that day forth, Benny has taught all Bennys everywhere the most important lesson of all:


>*A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.*

Two Priests going on vacation to Hawaii were...

determined to make this a real vacation
by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store
and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a
"drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them.

They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said
"Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned.

How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!
Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them

Again she nodded at each of them, said

Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,"
and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said,
"Just a minute, young lady." "Yes, Father?"

"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know,
how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?" ?

She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Margaret."

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible.

The bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Barack says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I said "Let me say this, and this is profoundly important...I want Michelle to marry me...I love her,...and I think America will love her too." That wish was granted.

For my second wish, I said "Like all patriotic Americans, I am deeply patriotic...and I want to be President...of the United States...so I can serve my country." That wish was granted too.

And then, for my third wish, I started by saying "Let me be clear..."

A man is sunbathing on a nude beach

To prevent a sunburn, he covers his most important organ with a hat.

A woman passes by and notices the hat.

She says, "Sir, a real gentleman always lifts his hat in front of a lady."

The man replies, "Ma'am if you were a real lady, the hat would've lifted itself."

In Nude Beach

Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach.

The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play.

Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play.

Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

A joke my Dad told me that I never understood when I was a child.

A man walking along a California beach is deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, Grant me one wish."

The sunny Californian sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish"

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord replied, "Your request is very materialistic, think if the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports will have to reach down to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. Just think about the amount of concrete and steel that would have to be used! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time, when finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are they thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing'
and how can I make them truly happy.

The Lord replied, "Do you want 2 lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

A man was riding on his Harley...

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over any time I want."

God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, "God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

And then God said,
"How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"

Chemistry Joke

So a Physicist, Chemist and Biologist walk down the beach to the ocean. They stand together and watch the waves as the water splashes up to meet their feet. "Look at those waves, the shear crushing weight of the water powered by tidal forces! I must study them further!" Says the Physicist, as he walked out into the water, never to be seen again. "All that life in the ocean, from the smallest plankton to the giant whales! I must study them further!" The Biologist says as he wades into the waves, never to be seen again. The Chemist watches the waves for a couple more minutes, checks his watch, pulls out a pad of paper and writes: Physicists and Biologists are soluble in seawater... clicks his pen and walks home.

Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbledupon a Genie's lamp.

He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope...Due to inflation, constant downswing, low wages in third world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...What'll it be?"

Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "I want to bring peace to the Middle East, See this map?" Bill pulls out a sweat covered map. "These people have been at war for thousands of years. I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map of the Middle East and exclaimed, "I'm good, but not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

Bill thought for a minute and said, "You know, people really don't like my wife. They call her a carpetbagger. They think she's mean, ugly, and pushes me around. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her and for her to be elected President of the United States of America. That's what I want."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Lemme see that map again."

W E N D Y

A couple just got married and before their honeymoon to Jamaica the young man decided to get his new gals name tattooed on his junk, forever marking it as belonging to her. Normally only the W and Y are visible, but when he gets excited it spells out W E N D Y.

While in Jamaica they decided to visit a nude beach, and while at the beach the young guy couldn't help but spot a local with what he thought was the same tattoo. He walks up to the local and asks, "Hey man, do you also have a girlfriend named Wendy? It seems we have matching tattoos!" The Jamaican replies, " Na mon, mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica mon, have a nice day.'"

Edit: spelling/grammer

Centuries ago, on a remote island in the North Atlantic...

Vikings arrived and began a settlement with help from their Irish thralls. But they weren't alone. All manner of otherworldly beings lurked in the island's hidden corners. The Vikings called these beings *vættir*; the Gaels called them *Aes Sídhe*.

Among these beings were the selkies who frolicked at outcroppings on the shore. These creatures looked like seals in the water, but they shed their hides on land to reveal beautiful human forms underneath. The Norse chieftain Valbrand saw the prettiest female selkie, whose name was Eyfridh, and decided he wanted her for himself.

As Eyfridh slept on the beach at the edge of the forest, Valbrand snatched her sealskin and bundled it into a hidden bag. When she awoke, she saw that she couldn't return to the water, and she had no choice but to go home with the powerful chieftain before her.

They got married and had a son, who they named Asgeir. This son grew into a strapping young lad, but he noticed that his mother was never happy. She would sit on a rock at the beach and gaze longingly toward the horizon. Asgeir wondered why she was so forlorn, not realizing that she pined for her old home.

During her captivity, Eyfridh's only friend was a woman named Ginna, who regularly came down from the forest to keep Eyfridh company on the beach. Ginna was another of the island's mystical beings. From the front, she was every bit as lovely as Eyfridh. But when Ginna turned around to return to the woods, Eyfridh saw a furry tail swishing behind her and a back as hollow as a dead tree. Eyfridh decided to ask about this, and Ginna explained that she was a type of *vættir* called a huldra.

During this conversation, Eyfridh let slip that she herself wasn't human, and that Valbrand had captured her from the sea. Ginna was horrified at this. The next day, while the chieftain was leading a raid on a nearby island, Ginna slipped into his longhouse and observed the exact nook where Valbrand had hidden the sealskin. She reported this to Eyfridh, who vanished that night and was never seen again. The boy Asgeir missed his mother from then on, but he hoped she was somewhere that she could be happier.

Years later, when Asgeir was a man, he ventured through the forest and met Ginna. As a supernatural creature of the wild, the huldra had not aged a day, and she noted that Asgeir looked remarkably similar to her old friend Eyfridh. He explained that that was his mother, and asked if Ginna had any idea where Eyfridh had gone. Ginna explained that Eyfridh was a selkie who Valbrand had kidnapped and who had run away to return to her old home. Asgeir was shocked that his father would do something so cruel, but now he had context for why his mother had always been so sad. He took further comfort in knowing that she was indeed happier now.

Upon returning home, Asgeir realised that he'd taken a liking to the ethereally beautiful being he'd met. But he was concerned about wooing her because he didn't want to wrench her from her home like Valbrand had done to Eyfridh. Asgeir decided to go about courting Ginna more respectfully. He brought lunch to a clearing in the woods and called Ginna over to dine with him. That date went well, so they continued their courtship every day at noon. Eventually, they'd grown comfortable enough with each other that Asgeir invited Ginna to spend the night at the chieftain's longhouse. At supper, it took all of Ginna's self-control not to throttle the ageing chieftain Valbrand for what he'd done to her friend, but she stayed her hand because killing him would give Asgeir and the other mortals too much trouble.

Several years later, Asgeir and Ginna married and had a child of their own together, a daughter named Ingileif who strongly resembled her mother. Ingileif's parents never told her about her supernatural heritage. But Valbrand's thralls who cared for the girl passed down legends of the vættir and Aes Sídhe until the old chieftain died and Asgeir freed all his father's thralls. Eventually, once Ingileif had grown and Asgeir himself was beginning to age, he took his daughter to the shore and introduced her to her grandmother Eyfridh.

"Hello again, Mother," Asgeir called out to the sea. "I have grown now!"

A seal swam to the beach and shed its skin to reveal a human form. Looking on in amazement, Ingileif excitedly cried, "It's a selkie! The stories were true!"

Having never met Ingileif before, Eyfridh initially thought she was looking at her old friend Ginna. "How do you not recognise me?...Wait a minute, you *are* Ginna the hollow-backed huldra, right?"

Puzzled, Ingileif turned to her father and declared: "This Sídhe is bananas, I ain't no hollow back girl!"

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