Children's Jokes

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Funniest Children's Jokes

Nice Dad Father: Son, I donated all your toys to the children's home.

Son: Why did you do that?

Father: So you will not be bored there.

Whats the difference between an ISIS training camp and a children's hospital? I dunno, I just fly the drone...

A priest has a heart attack and is rushed to hospital When he wakes up, he is being raced through the corridors on a gurney. Disoriented, he asks, "am I in heaven?"

"No, replies the nurse. "We're just taking a shortcut through the children's ward."

My wife gave me a bag of our children's old clothes And asked me donate them to kids that don't have any.
So I went around town asking people where I can find kids without any clothes and for some reason I ended up detained...

<<BREAKING NEWS>> Apple has decided to cancel the children's iPod. Apparently iTouch kids isn't a good product name.

What is brown and has got four legs and an arm? A Rottweiler on a children's playground.

Funny Children's Jokes

What's the difference between a terrorist cell and a children's hospital? ... Don't ask me man, I just fly the drones.

A children's museum SOUNDS like a good idea... ...but I would imagine it's hard to breathe inside those little glass cases.

What has 4 legs and 1 arm? A Rottweiler in a children's playground.

I'm not allowed to dress up as a superhero and visit the children's hospital anymore. And I put so much work into my Thanos costume.

Did you hear about the virus that only infected children's computers? Yeah I thought it was just a pdf-file.

Complaint from 3017: These children's long-term zero gravity soccer leagues are raising weak adults. Every kid gets atrophy.

warning sign on children's alphabet blocks Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.

I could not be a children's doctor. I would lose my patients.

What's Jon Snow's favorite children's book? Where The Wildlings Are

I spent my children's college fund on a boat... I'm going to call it the scholarship.

My children's chess addiction is getting out of hand. But I have managed to keep them in check so far.

Where do you hide cocaine in orphanage? Right under the children's noses

Did you hear about the new heated children's gloves that would turn on and off without warning? Did you hear about the new heated children's gloves that would turn on and off without warning?

They worked inter-mitten-ly

A priest is doing children's time during a service... The priest asks the kids "Does anyone know what the resurrection is?"
A little girl raises her hand and says "Well, father, I know if it doesn't go away in four hours you have to call your doctor!"

How are a hobo and a balloon alike? Both are without visible means of support.




(My son found that in a children's joke book)

I caught a friend betting on a hospitalized children's limbo contest... When I confronted him, I asked, "HOW LOW CAN YOU GO?"

Why wasn't Michael Jackson allowed to perform at the children's hospital? Because he is dead.






^((I came up with this joke when I was very tired.))

Breaking Celebrity News! Academy Award winning Actor, Simmons, and children's book Author, Rowling, eloped earlier today. JK

Dark humor is like a children's cancer ward... It never gets old.

A minister started his Children's Sermon with a question. Who knows what the Resurrection is? Without missing a beat a young boy says, "If you have one lasting more than 4 hours call your physician."

Did you hear about the prize for the Amish children's cooking competition? Whichever kiddo makes the best egg dish gets to keep the Amlet omelet amulet

I REMEMBER WHEN MICHAEL JACKSON WAS IN THE CARDIAC WARD FIGHTING HEART FAILURE. Now they tell me he was in the children's ward having a stroke.

I decided not to donate money to a blind children's charity It's not like the kids will see any of it

A man is on an elevator delivering jokes to children at a children's hospital when someone gets off at a floor and asks "Do you need to make a delivery on this floor?" The man replies "no, this joke is next level"

Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. So in reality, that children's zoo is really overreacting.

I volunteer a lot at a children's hospice... It never gets old.

What do you call a cyclist with an unnatural love of children's bicycles? Pedalphile

I went to a children's petting zoo once. So many angry parents.

Some people like to call me Santa Clause Because I love to shove my bag down little children's chimneys

Why did the film critic protest the new children's cemetery? He's not a fan of juvenile plots.

Why did Jared Fogle go to Walmart? He heard children's pants were half off.

Credit: a non redditor coworker.

What do you call a Children's show with some Alcohol added in? Booze Clues.

How did Jared lose all that weight eating at Subway? He just ordered off the children's menu.

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New Children's Jokes

COVID 19 is saving many American school aged children's lives. Haven't had any school shootings due to schools are shut down.

Apparently it's Missing Children's Day today... I knew I'd forgotten something.

What was Beethoven's favorite children's game? Hayden seek.

Antivax kids are just children's who got the free trial of life. It might be a dark joke.

An old man enters a children's play area He's stopped by a little girl who asks him to leave.

He asks her why he can't be there.

She explains, "This place is strictly for children. I kid, you not."

In India, children's day is celebrated on 14 November........ Exactly after 9 months from Valentine's day (14 February).
If you know what I mean.......

What's the difference between Walter White and Kool Aid man when it comes to children's privacy? One of them knocks

What do you call a bunch of chimpanzees who run a children's tv studio? Nickelodeon executives

What do you get if you cross a popular children's clay animation character with a Welsh microwave oven? A Popty-Pingu

At a disfigured children's ball... A boy with a wooden eye goes up to a girl with a harelip and asks her to dance.

"Oh boy, would I!"

The boy walks off in a huff and screams, "Sorry I'm not good enough for you, girl harelip!"

What is a children's television show centered on the imaginary adventures of comatose Christians be called? Veggie Tales!

Veggie Tales!

Veggie Tales!

Just read a children's book about the pope.... Boy was it touching!

I have 2 eyes, 3 legs and 4 arms, what am I ? A pitbull on a children's playground

^^^I ^^^am ^^^so ^^^sorry ^^^:)

An amazing coincidence happens every year in India 14th Feb Valentines day.
9 months later,
14th Nov Children's day.

I was supposed to knit blue mittens for the Children's Cancer Foundation, but I had accidentally knitted all red mittens... Oops, wrong thread.

Donald Trump is writing a children's book about running for President He's going to title it, "Marco's Little Adventure"

Michael Jackson's last words "Take me to the children's hospital."

How is Santa like a paedophile? They both leave children's bedrooms with empty sacks.

Michael Jackson's latest autopsy report states that he didn't actually die at home. He died in the hospital - he was found in the children's ward having a stroke.

My coworker couldn't decide which grandparents should be her 2 children's legal guardians, so I said to split them up. Then you only have to decide who gets the top half, who gets the bottom.

You know what's most rewarding about working at a children's hospital? Meeting celebrities

J.K. Rowling started out writing children's literature. Then she tried her hand at writing books for grown-ups. Now she's back to writing for children. Apparently Twitter's her new gig.

How many children's TV presenters does it take to change a lightbulb? Two, one to change the lightbulb and another to show one they changed earlier.

A guy with Apple maps walks into a bar... Or a church... Or a children's hospital

The prize for coming in the top-3 of the children's race was an evil clown. Sadly I came 4th. I would have got away with It if it wasn't for those medalling kids.

Bob the Builder sacked! The BBC have announced that Bob The Builder has been sacked.. They say they can no longer trust any children's Tv star who claims to be able to fix it!!

Who is the KKK's favorite children's character ? The White-Power Ranger


I came up with this after reading a cracked article.

Hop on Pop Hop on Pop is a fun children's book, Hop on Cop is illegal.

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Long Children's Jokes

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD...

How bad is it you ask?

So bad,

THAT....

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital…

He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.

"Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."

Hey, Terry

A woman walks into the Ipswich Centrelink office, trailed by 15 kids...

"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL yours?

"Yeah they are all mine," the flustered mother sighs, having heard that

question a thousand times before.

She says, "Sit down Terry." All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll

need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest - he is Terry."

"OK, and who's next?"

"Well, this one he is Terry, also."

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the

oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.

Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.

"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL

named Terri?"

Their Mother replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get

them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' when it's time

for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin.'

An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell

"Terry" and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin'

them all Terry."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead

and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not

the whole bunch?"

"I call them by their last names!"

A priest has a heart attack...

A priest has a heart attack and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being wheeled through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.

"Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No," says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".

Accounting Joke (from my professor)

A priest, a lawyer, and an accountant were all at the bedside of a very ill man. The man said to them,

"Gentlemen, I'm dying. Before I go, however, I want to ask you one final favor: My family is rotten and I don't want to give any of them an inheritance. I would like to be buried with the remainder of my money." He then hands the priest, the lawyer, and the accountant three envelopes that contain $100,000 each.

"While my coffin is being lowered into the earth, please throw each of the envelopes in. Don't tell anyone what's inside the envelopes."

So the three men leave. Sure enough, one week later, the man dies. During the funeral, the three men toss the envelopes into the grave whilst the coffin was being lowered. After the funeral, the three men go to a cafe to discuss the life of the old man. The priest says,

"I have a confession: I took $10,000 from my envelope. But I used it to fix up the children's home. The old man was always very generous and loved the children. I'm sure he wouldn't mind seeing where his money went."

The lawyer pipes in,

"Well, I also have a confession: I took $30,000 as payment of a personal loan he borrowed from me years ago."

The accountant, looking rather shocked, says,

"I cannot believe you two! I wrote a personal check that covered the whole thing!"

I bought a parrot at an auction...

I bought a parrot at an auction, hoping that a companion might help me get through some tough times. The car ride home, the parrot had been quiet and an uneasy tension was building. Throughout the first night, my parrot remained quiet, but the next morning, I awoke to a machine-gun sequence of swear words, rude insults, and some of the dirtiest jokes I had ever heard. I was shocked, to say the least. In an attempt to correct the parrot's behavior, I would read aloud children's books, play Bach and Beethoven over the speakers, and did everything I could to set a calm and relaxing atmosphere. But it was to no avail. The parrot remained relentlessly crass, rude, and now, it had even begun talking back and mocking me with every action I took, calling me names. It was pushing my buttons. Finally, I was at my last straw, and I began screaming back, trading swear words and scathing insults with this ungrateful excuse of a pet. But in a sudden moment of clarity, I realized the ridiculousness of this situation and, immediately grabbing the bird by its neck, placed it in the freezer, with the intent of killing it once and for all. The parrot kicked and screamed for a good while before the kitchen grew eerily silent. I slowly opened the freezer to check on my victim, when the parrot flies out calmly, landing on the counter. The parrot looked up at me and said, "I truly apologize for my behavior. I realize now I may have been rude and insulting to you, and I will correct my attitude and my behavior from now on." I was shocked. Before I could even respond, the bird asked, "So what did the chicken do?"

A group of blondes walk into a bar

They immediately start to set up what looks like a big celebration; they order numerous pitchers of beer, then push tables together, one of them even hangs a big banner over it. As they're celebrating, the bartender notices that the banner says **"51 DAYS!"**

Curious, he walks over to the celebrating group, and notices something even odder; a children's jigsaw puzzle with about 20 pieces at most, completed and sitting in a beautiful frame. He taps one of the blondes on the shoulder.

"Excuse me," he says, "But what is the big celebration for?"

With a big grin on her face, she points down at the puzzle.

"We're celebrating our success! See that puzzle? It said "2-4 Years" on the box, but we did it way quicker than that, only 51 days!"

A woman walks into the Social Worker's office, trailed by 15 kids

WOW, the social worker exclaims, Are they ALL yours?

Yeah they're all mine, the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, Sit down Terry. All the children rush to find seats.

Well, says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.

This one's my oldest - he is Terry.

OK, and who's next?

Well, this one he is Terry, also.

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.

Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.

All right, says the caseworker. I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?

Their Mother replied, Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, Terry! An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell Terry! an' they all come arunnin.

An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Terry and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?

I call them by their surnames!'

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD...

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD...

How bad is it you ask?

So bad

THAT...

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!

A nun is teaching class in a Catholic children's home.

She asks the students what they want to be when they grow up. One says a teacher, the other says doctor, the other says engineer and so on. Finally the question lands on quiet little girl in the back.

Nun: What would you like to be when you grow up?
Girl: I'm afraid to say it out loud.
Nun: Then come whisper it into my ear.

The girl scurries over and whispers something. The nuns face boils. She is both shocked and horrified. She screams "What did you say?!?!"

The girl startled yells out " I said I want to be a prostitute!"

The nun replies relieved " Oh thank the heavens I thought you said Protestant."

Edit: Heard this joke from a close family friend who is actually a priest.

For the first time in my life, I bought a lotto ticket, hoping for a Jackpot win of $70M.

In moments like this, I was taught to pray to St. Jude, and make a promise to donate some money to St. Jude's Children's Hospital.

I prayed as hard as I could, and I promised to donate $1,000,000 if I win the jackpot.

The next day I read the news. On the front page, it showed my neighbour holding up the cheque for $70M. "I overheard my neighbour praying to St. Jude and offering $1,000,000. So, I bought a ticket and prayed, offering $1,000,001."

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...

"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL YOURS???" "Yep they are all mine," the flustered mumma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy. All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy." "OK, and who's this one?" Well, this one he is Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

"All right..." says the caseworker, "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?" Their Momma replied, "Well, yes - it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I just yell 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all come a runnin.' An 'if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?" "Ah, that's so easy," said the momma. "Then I calls them by their last names."

A priest has a heart attack and is rushed to the hospital.

When he awakens, he's being quickly rolled through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.

He looks around and in his disoriented haze asks, "Am I in heaven?"

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".

A man sits down at a children's park

A man is sitting down at a bench enjoying some lunch during his lunch break. Overhead he watches children frolick and play. But then he sees a group of women quietly discussing (obviously) him.

Then all of the sudden one of the women confidently approaches the man. With an ounce of cockyness, in a bid to lure away the man, the women asks "So, which one is yours?"

The man replies "I haven't decided yet."

Tickle Me Elmo Factory

The Tickle Me Elmo factory has just hired a new employee, and today's her first day on the job. The plant manager gives her a quick tour of the assembly line, then shows the employee her station at the end of the line where she will be operating. The morning whistle blows and production on the line begins churning out red fluffy children's toys one after another.

Within an hour, production has halted, the line is backed up and the manager is forced from his office to see what's going on in the factory. The other employees all point to the new worker at the end of the line. The manager walks over to find the new worker, outfitted with a sewing machine, a bag of marbles, and a spool of red fluffy Elmo fabric- all of which were not there when he sat her down at the beginning of the day.

In horror, the manager connects the dots and realizes what has happened... A group of Tickle Me Elmo dolls lay in a pile, all with fluffy pouches sewn between their legs. He screams "What have you done!" To which a shocked employee on her first day responds, "What you told me to do!"

"No!" Screams the manager, "I told you to give them two TEST-TICKLES!!"

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. Ladies and gentlemen... STEVEN WRIGHT (more in comments)

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Isn't Disney World a People Trap Operated by a Mouse?

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It wasn't doing what I was doing.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was the suspect.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

I have a telescope on the peep hole of my door so I can see who is at the door for 200 miles.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Atheism is a nonprophet organization.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
Do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I was born by Caesarean section... But not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

The ultimate bargain.

The Devil tells a salesman, "Look, I can make you richer, more famous, and more successful than any salesman alive. In fact, I can make you the greatest salesman that ever lived."

"Well," says the salesman, "what do I have to do in return?" The Devil smiles, "Well, of course you have to give me your soul," he says, "but you also have to give me the souls of your children, the souls of your children's children and, as a matter of fact, you have to give me the souls of all your descendants throughout eternity."

"Wait a minute," the salesman says cautiously, "What's the catch?"

Two actors are practicing their lines for a show.

The first guy says: "How could you do this to me? I hate you!" The second says: "You're making me so angry I swear I'm going to PUNCH you!" The first says "That line sounds cheesy. It makes it seem like a children's show. Let's talk to the writers about it." So they go the the writers and explain their problems. The writers agree, so in the end, there is no punch line.

A mother is worried about her children's iron intake so she decides to put some iron BB gun ammo in their oatmeal...

Later that day why the mother was doing laundry her youngest son came up to her and said, "Mom! Mom! I was peeing just now I peed out a BB!"
The mother simply replied, "Don't worry dear that's normal"
Later on her middle oldest came in and said that he had also peed out a BB.
The mother replied again to not worry about it because it's completely normal.
It was getting close to dinner and her eldest had not came down to help set the table so she goes upstairs and she hears crying coming from his bedroom, so she knocks on the door and asks if everything is okay.
Her son opens the door crying and when his mom asks him what's wrong he said, "I was jerking off and I shot the DOG!"

A little collection of children's unintentional quick wittyness.

TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA : Here it is.

TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS : Maria.
____________________________
TEACHER : John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN : You told me to do it without using the tables.
____________________________
TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile'?

GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L

TEACHER : No, that's wrong.

GLENN : Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________
TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD : H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER : What are you talking about?

DONALD : Yesterday you said it's H to O.
____________________________
TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE : Me!
____________________________
TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I'.

MILLIE : I is...

TEACHER : No, Millie...... always say, 'I am'.

MILLIE : All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet'.
___________________________
TEACHER : George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS : Because George still had the axe in his hand.
___________________________
TEACHER : Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No sir, It's the same dog.
____________________________
TEACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD : A teacher..

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