Children's Jokes


Funniest Children's Jokes

TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic Because they are more likely to be dead

EDIT: Wow. Now I understand RIP inbox.

Score: 21643

What do you call children born in whorehouses? Brothel sprouts

Edit: thanks for the gold kind stranger!

Score: 16837

My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils... But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

Edit: Thank you, children. It would appear I've peaked as a father.
My actual son will be devastated.

Score: 14722

"What are the broken condoms doing on the couch?!" "Our children have names, Harold!"

Score: 14285

Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were: "I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you Medellín kids"

Score: 13782

Dark humor is like cancer. It's even funnier when children get it.

Score: 10880

The wife and I decided we don't want children. We're telling them tomorrow.

Score: 7636

Nice Dad Father: Son, I donated all your toys to the children's home.

Son: Why did you do that?

Father: So you will not be bored there.

Score: 5103

A friend of mine, a mother of four, refused to have her children vaccinated. Edit: mother of three...
Edit: mother of two...
Edit: mother of one...

Score: 4684

I'm a proud anti-vaxx mother of five children! Edit: four children

Second edit: 2 children!

Score: 3250

Why are women and children evacuated first? So we can think about a solution in silence.

Score: 3224

Why are women and children always the first ones to get evacuated on a emergency situation ? So men may think on a solution in silence

Score: 3003

A new study shows that unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic Because they are more likely to be dead.

Score: 2729

In my spare time I help blind children. I mean the verb, not the adjective.

Score: 2531

9 out of 10 doctors reccommend for children to drink water instead of soda that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan

Score: 2463

Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster? So we can think about a solution in silence.

Score: 2251

TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic Because they are more likely to be dead

Score: 2211

What do you call children who are born into a Whorehouse? Brothel Sprouts.

Score: 2112

Farts are like children I'm proud of mine but disgusted by yours

Score: 1790

Raising children is hard as a trans parent They see right through me

Score: 1650

Whats the difference between an ISIS training camp and a children's hospital? I dunno, I just fly the drone...

Score: 1637

My wife and I decided we don't want children... ...if anybody does, we can drop them off tomorrow.

Score: 1318

After work, I volunteer to help blind children By the way: Verb, not adjective

Score: 1177

I like to help blind children. The verb, not the adjective.

Score: 1109

Always remember that children can drown in as little as one inch of water so please if you are drowning children, don’t waste water.

Score: 953

What did little Johnny's mother do when she caught him zapping the other children with static electricity? She grounded him.

Score: 926

My wife accuses me of favoritism over my children, which is not true. I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

Score: 817

Husband: Honey why are there broken condoms on the couch? Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.

Score: 790

Don't vaccinate your children! Let a trained medical professional do it!

Score: 783

Husband: Why are there broken condoms on the couch? Wife: Would you please call our children by their names!?

Score: 710

What clown has killed more children than "It"? Ronald McDonald.

Score: 660

Do you know why more vaccinated than unvaccinated children have autism? Because you have to be alive to be autistic

Score: 564

What is big, yellow and can't swim? A bus full of children

Score: 487

My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will bully him because of his name... I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"

Score: 487

Why are women and children evacuated first? So we can figure out a solution in peace and quiet.

Score: 375

I always keep a picture of my wife and children in my wallet. It reminds me why there's no money in there.

Score: 328

Today I finally took the decision to ground one of my children for the first time I hope that stops them from electrocuting themselves

Score: 312

TIL that children that don't get vaccines are actually less likely to be autistic Cause they're more likely to be dead.

Score: 312

What's the difference between children and Isis? Drones can't tell either

Score: 261

Children are like farts You are proud of yours, but disgusted by anyone else's

Score: 220

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New Children's Jokes

Anti vax moms are actually saving their children You can’t be drafted if you don’t make it to 18

Score: 12

I'm going to start a treatment center for children with epilepsy I'll call it little seizures.

Score: 17

I’d like to die peacefully in my sleep like my dad did. But not like the children in the school bus with him.

Score: 21

How are non-vaccinated children and good jokes similar? They both never get old.

Score: 62

What's happening in this country? School children dressing like whores... -and whores dressing like school children. It's a nightmare!
You don't know whether to carry candy or cash.

Score: 17

I could not be a children's doctor. I would lose my patients.

Score: 14

You know who really hates spoiled children? Cannibals.

Score: 46

Why do children in China all have iPhones and wear Nike? Employee discounts

Score: 191

What do guns and priests have in common? They should never be left alone with children.

Score: 94

Where do responsible parents send children with ADHD over the summer? Concentration Camps

Score: 11

Why are ethiopian children always crying? Midlife crisis.

Score: 41

New studies show that the vast majority of violent crimes are committed by the children of immigrants. And it's been that way since 1607.

Score: 15

Children & cars ......?? Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.

Score: 23

Bill Gates recently visited a kindergarten and taught the children how to count to ten. "1, 2, 3, 3.1, 95, 98, ME, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10."

Score: 41

My son Anakin loves that I named all of our children after Star Wars characters My daughter Chewbacca, however, is less thrilled.

Score: 78

What's the similarity between sodomy and broccoli? Even with butter, children will still not like them

Score: 20

I had a vasectomy because I didn't want any more children. Apparently a vasectomy doesn't stop you from having children, it only changes the colour of their skin.

Score: 48

Why can’t early access developers ever have children? They can never finish.

Score: 23

I love cooking dogs and children. But I hate using commas.

Score: 30

TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic Because they're more likely to be dead

Score: 55

Did you hear about the school that burned down in Beijing, China? 25 children died. It was truly tragic.

And the worst part is, they all got out of the building fine, but they just ran around it and then darted back inside.

Score: 15

Apple came up with a tablet computer with touch screen, geared toward children. They cancelled the product when they realized nobody wants to buy something called iTouch Kids.

Score: 53

Every time I see a street sign that says "Watch for Children" I can't help but wonder if that's a fair trade.

Score: 50

Cocaine in school One of the teachers at my local school for obese children, was fired today. He was fired for doing cocaine before going to work. He was ratted out by his large pupils.

Score: 20

TIL that unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic. They are most likely to be dead instead.

Score: 21

My Father always said his children are his treasures. When he buried Debbie in the backyard it took a dark twist.

Score: 14

What do you call children born in a whorehouse? Brothel sprouts.

Score: 54

You don't have to vaccinate your children. Just the ones you want to keep.

Score: 127

My wife accuses me of favoritism over my children, which is not true. I love Michael and Not-Michael equally.

Score: 15

A herd of cattle... A murder of crows... ...a migraine of children...

Score: 24

Isn't it funny how anti-vaxxer's children.... Always seem to get what their parents deserve?

I believe I made this up but I'm posting here to see if anyone else has heard anything similar.

Score: 10

It's pretty disgusting how celebrity parents name their children after cooked rodent. Poor Chris Pratt

Score: 50

Why do Asian parents want their children to have high grades? Because they're​ Asian, not Bsian nor Csian.

Score: 18

My wife and I decided not to have any children... Our children are taking it pretty hard.

Score: 12

Children are like scrambled eggs. They are only good when properly beaten.

Score: 48

I spent my children's college fund on a boat... I'm going to call it the scholarship.

Score: 12

How many children does it take to change a lightbulb? Obviously not 5 because my basement is still dark

Score: 58

I am learning so much from my children. As every great man learns from his mistakes.

Score: 59

You may be kind.. but German children are kinder.

Score: 14

What's sadder than children in Africa? Euthanasia.

Score: 11

What game do children play in Africa? Don't Starve.

Score: 20

What did the black woman name her five children? Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone

How did she tell them apart you ask?

She just called em by their last name.

Score: 13

If you kill 10 children out of a 100.. Only 90 kids will remember

Score: 171

My wife and I decided we don't want children. If anybody does, we can drop them off at your place.

Score: 108

What bounces and makes children sad? The checks I write to the Make-A-Wish foundation.

Score: 218

I think Taco Tuesday sets a bad example for children. They need to grow up knowing that they can eat tacos every day of the week.

Score: 31

Do you know the way little children run towards the waves of the ocean but back up the very last second? That's the exact same way I flirt with girls

Score: 13

Why should women stop having children after 35? Because 36 is too many

Score: 31

Complaint from 3017: These children's long-term zero gravity soccer leagues are raising weak adults. Every kid gets atrophy.

Score: 31

Where should children with ADHD be sent? A Concentration Camp!

Score: 42

Betsy DeVos wants to eliminate trigonometry from school math curricula because it teaches our children to sin

Score: 10

Why do we let women and children off a sinking ship first? So the sharks aren't hungry anymore.

Score: 154

Millions of children are being inspired by seeing their first presidential election. If a misogynistic con artist and a lying criminal can run for president, then so can that kid eating dirt on the playground.

Score: 21

TIL that 9/10 Doctors agree , drinking water is good for children The tenth doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.

EDIT: calm down /u/Andimbacksucker

Score: 153

My girlfriend and I have decided to not have any kids... Our children are taking the news rather hard...

Score: 26

What did the mexican fireman name his 2 children? Jose and Hose B

Score: 23
Funny Children's Jokes
Score: 132

LPT: If you've got toddlers at home, and you're going to take them out... You can probably get away with using a light sedative. Save chloroform for children 12 and older.

Score: 41

Started teaching my son and his friends Karate... I'm not qualified I just really enjoy kicking children.

Score: 159

My Indian engineering teacher told us this today Growing up in America, you've probably heard your parents say, "Eat your food, there are starving children in India." But I tell my children, "Do your math homework or an Indian child will eat your food."

Score: 22

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