Children's Jokes

Contents

Funniest Children's Jokes

TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic Because they are more likely to be dead

EDIT: Wow. Now I understand RIP inbox.

Score: 21643

What do you call children born in whorehouses? Brothel sprouts



Edit: thanks for the gold kind stranger!

Score: 16837

My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils... But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

Edit: Thank you, children. It would appear I've peaked as a father.
My actual son will be devastated.

Score: 14722

"What are the broken condoms doing on the couch?!" "Our children have names, Harold!"

Score: 14285

Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were: "I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you Medellín kids"

Score: 13782

Dark humor is like cancer. It's even funnier when children get it.

Score: 10880

The wife and I decided we don't want children. We're telling them tomorrow.

Score: 7636

Nice Dad Father: Son, I donated all your toys to the children's home.

Son: Why did you do that?

Father: So you will not be bored there.

Score: 5103

A friend of mine, a mother of four, refused to have her children vaccinated. Edit: mother of three...
Edit: mother of two...
Edit: mother of one...

Score: 4684

I'm a proud anti-vaxx mother of five children! Edit: four children

Second edit: 2 children!

Score: 3250

Why are women and children evacuated first? So we can think about a solution in silence.

Score: 3224

Why are women and children always the first ones to get evacuated on a emergency situation ? So men may think on a solution in silence

Score: 3003

A new study shows that unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic Because they are more likely to be dead.

Score: 2729

In my spare time I help blind children. I mean the verb, not the adjective.

Score: 2531

9 out of 10 doctors reccommend for children to drink water instead of soda that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan

Score: 2463

Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster? So we can think about a solution in silence.

Score: 2251

TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic Because they are more likely to be dead

Score: 2211

What do you call children who are born into a Whorehouse? Brothel Sprouts.

Score: 2112

Farts are like children I'm proud of mine but disgusted by yours

Score: 1790

Raising children is hard as a trans parent They see right through me

Score: 1650

Whats the difference between an ISIS training camp and a children's hospital? I dunno, I just fly the drone...

Score: 1637

My wife and I decided we don't want children... ...if anybody does, we can drop them off tomorrow.

Score: 1318

After work, I volunteer to help blind children By the way: Verb, not adjective

Score: 1177

I like to help blind children. The verb, not the adjective.

Score: 1109

Always remember that children can drown in as little as one inch of water so please if you are drowning children, don’t waste water.

Score: 953

What did little Johnny's mother do when she caught him zapping the other children with static electricity? She grounded him.

Score: 926

My wife accuses me of favoritism over my children, which is not true. I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

Score: 817

Husband: Honey why are there broken condoms on the couch? Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.

Score: 790

Don't vaccinate your children! Let a trained medical professional do it!

Score: 783

Husband: Why are there broken condoms on the couch? Wife: Would you please call our children by their names!?

Score: 710

Do you know why more vaccinated than unvaccinated children have autism? Because you have to be alive to be autistic

Score: 564

What's the difference between children and Isis? Drones can't tell either

Score: 261

How are non-vaccinated children and good jokes similar? They both never get old.

Score: 62

I had a vasectomy because I didn't want any more children. Apparently a vasectomy doesn't stop you from having children, it only changes the colour of their skin.

Score: 48

I think Taco Tuesday sets a bad example for children. They need to grow up knowing that they can eat tacos every day of the week.

Score: 31

My Indian engineering teacher told us this today Growing up in America, you've probably heard your parents say, "Eat your food, there are starving children in India." But I tell my children, "Do your math homework or an Indian child will eat your food."

Score: 22

I’d like to die peacefully in my sleep like my dad did. But not like the children in the school bus with him.

Score: 21

TIL that unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic. They are most likely to be dead instead.

Score: 21

Millions of children are being inspired by seeing their first presidential election. If a misogynistic con artist and a lying criminal can run for president, then so can that kid eating dirt on the playground.

Score: 21

What's happening in this country? School children dressing like whores... -and whores dressing like school children. It's a nightmare!
You don't know whether to carry candy or cash.

Score: 17

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New Children's Jokes

A catholic priest is dying and is rushed to hospital Upon arriving the priest says “Am I in heaven?”

And the paramedic says “No we’re taking a shortcut through the children’s ward”

Score: 3

Did you know that only 1 in 4 US Adults with children have a Will? The rest gave them some other names, I assume.

Score: 6

What do you call a WNBA player that can’t have children? Sterile Swoops...

I’ll ground myself.

Score: 2

Anti vax moms are actually saving their children You can’t be drafted if you don’t make it to 18

Score: 12

A dad was playing with his kids one day And he said: "You're so adorable I could eat you kids all up!"

One of the children ask: "Daddy, what do we taste like?"

And the dad replies: "When you're older, ask your mother."

Score: 5

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Little Johnny raised hand. and replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Score: 5

Why are vaccinated children most likley to get autism? Because all the unvaccinated ones are dead!

Score: 4

Why did a blond decide to be a virgin for the rest of her life? Because she wants to be an example for her children.

Score: 4

This is something only anti vaxer children will get. Measles.

Score: 2

Did you hear Forever 21 is declaring bankruptcy? It’s being replaced by Never 21: clothing for the children of Anti-Vaxxers

Score: 7

What do you call a sausage made of obnoxious children? A bratwurst.

Score: 2

What’s something this meme and unvaccinated children have in common? They’ll both die in new.

Score: 5

What's the difference between an ISIS compound full of terrorists and a grade school full of children? I don't know, I'm just the pilot

Score: 9

I'm going to start a treatment center for children with epilepsy I'll call it little seizures.

Score: 17

I’m going to start a new school system for children of anti-vax parents. If anyone knows where I can hire some kindergarten teachers and a mortician that would be great.

Score: 4

The rainbow hasn’t seen his children in years He just got out of prism

Score: 3

What do you get if you cross a popular children's clay animation character with a Welsh microwave oven? A Popty-Pingu

Score: 1

What is yellow but can’t swim? A school bus full of children.

Score: 4

Today I'm going to celebrate Independence Day...... Or as my two children like to call it,

"The day mummy joined the angels."

Score: 3

What do you call children in China? Euthanasia

Score: 4

What's the difference between a school and a Taliban training ground? The children are taught to aim for the sky, the Taliaban are taught to aim for this guy.

Score: 2

At a disfigured children's ball... A boy with a wooden eye goes up to a girl with a harelip and asks her to dance.

"Oh boy, would I!"

The boy walks off in a huff and screams, "Sorry I'm not good enough for you, girl harelip!"

Score: 3

What is the difference between anti-vaxx jokes and anti-vaxx children? Anti-vaxx jokes live longer.

Score: 7

You guys hear they’re making a Predator vs Alien 3 sequel? It’s just 2 hours of a Cardinal chasing around 3 immigrant children.

I’m not sure if I like the new direction the series is going. Too many face huggers.

Score: 1

I've been babysitting for many years, and I have finally learned the secret! The biggest weakness of most children is fire.

Score: 6

Why don't more Trump supporters name their children Donald? Menopause

Score: 2

My elderly neighbor has grown children. In her backyard, quite impressive.

Score: 3

Some of the jokes here are getting old Unlike antivaxx children

Score: 4

Recent study shows that fertility is heriditary. If your parents didn't have children, chances are you won't either.

Score: 4

Children of anti-vaccers are like dark jokes. They never get old.

Score: 3

My wife was teaching our children that Barbie and Disney were sexist and misogynistic. I happen to believe that children learn through examples set by their parents.

So I told my wife to shut her yap and get back in the kitchen.

Score: 5

Breaking News: Public schools are forcing Islamic teachings on America's children. Yeah, it turns out algebra was invented by some 9th century Muslim.

Score: 4

I got a vasectomy so I wouldn't have anymore children, Turns out, vasectomy only changes the color of your child.

Score: 5

I didn't want children any more so I went and got my vasectomy.... Came home later and they were still here...

Score: 3

I always wondered why I don't see any food pictures on Instagram from third world country children Then it hit me, silly me they probably can't afford cellphones

Score: 2

You think Elon could create a machine to save the children trapped in the US camps? Too soon?

Score: 2

Our daughter Rose loves that we named our children after things we love. Our son Spaghettibolognese not so much.

Score: 1

They were right the whole time. It turns out that un-vaccinated children actually are less likely to develop autism Because they're more likely to be dead.

Score: 0

A Sunday school teacher ask the children, "why is it necessary to be quite in church?" The children replied, "because people are sleeping."

Score: 5

When I was a child, they told me that The Children Are Our Future Then I grew up, and now they're saying it's actually these new children.

I know a Ponzi scheme when I see one.

*-Norm Macdonald*

Score: 1

African Americans are such good runners because they're always outrunning the CCC Cops, cheetahs and children

Score: 2

What's the difference between a laundry machine and children? A laundry machine doesn't cry when I put the load in.

Score: 4

TIL that unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic because they're more likely to be dead.

Score: 10

How do Jedi get their children to eat? They Force feed them.

Score: 3

I could not be a children's doctor. I would lose my patients.

Score: 14

What did the Mexican firefighter name his three children? Hose A, Hose B, and Hose C

Score: 1

What do you call a vegetable that doesn't take care if it's children? A dead beet dad

Hope you liked my OC joke

Score: 3

Why don't Asian couples have Caucasian children? Because two Wongs don't make a white.

Score: 9

My son Luke loves how I named all our children after Star Wars characters... My daughter Chewbacca, not so much.

Score: 4

I treat children the same way I treat adults but some parents don't seem to like that. Apparently they don't appreciate me telling their kids to blow me.

Score: 8

Sometimes I do things to children that they're too young to understand... ...such as teaching them calculus and microbiology.

Score: 5

Donald Trump being president is the result of being a good parent and teaching your children that they can be anything if they set their mind to it... And you know,giving them a small loan of 1 Millon dollars

Score: 1

Humanity is children of the Sun, but according to Nemesis Theory there is a Second Sun in Our Solar System. whose name is ''Kim Ir Sen''.

Score: 1

Donald Trump is writing a children's book about running for President He's going to title it, "Marco's Little Adventure"

Score: 2

How to stop pedophilia worldwide? Kill all the children.

Score: 1

I'm in favor of spanking children. Their parents are not.

Score: 3

You got problems with parenting... You start to get headaches. I follow the instructions on the aspirin bottle:


"Take two and keep away from children."

Score: 1

Why couldn't the clown make balloon animals for the children? With inflation raising the cost he couldn't afford it.

Score: 1

Children are worse than museums... You're not allowed to look OR touch

Score: 2

What do you call a cow that likes children.. a moolester.

Score: 2

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