Children's Jokes

Contents

Funniest Children's Jokes

TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic Because they are more likely to be dead

EDIT: Wow. Now I understand RIP inbox.

Score: 21643

What do you call children born in whorehouses? Brothel sprouts



Edit: thanks for the gold kind stranger!

Score: 16837

My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils... But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

Edit: Thank you, children. It would appear I've peaked as a father.
My actual son will be devastated.

Score: 14722

"What are the broken condoms doing on the couch?!" "Our children have names, Harold!"

Score: 14285

Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were: "I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you Medellín kids"

Score: 13782

Dark humor is like cancer. It's even funnier when children get it.

Score: 10880

The wife and I decided we don't want children. We're telling them tomorrow.

Score: 7636

Nice Dad Father: Son, I donated all your toys to the children's home.

Son: Why did you do that?

Father: So you will not be bored there.

Score: 5103

A friend of mine, a mother of four, refused to have her children vaccinated. Edit: mother of three...
Edit: mother of two...
Edit: mother of one...

Score: 4684

I'm a proud anti-vaxx mother of five children! Edit: four children

Second edit: 2 children!

Score: 3250

Why are women and children evacuated first? So we can think about a solution in silence.

Score: 3224

Why are women and children always the first ones to get evacuated on a emergency situation ? So men may think on a solution in silence

Score: 3003

A new study shows that unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic Because they are more likely to be dead.

Score: 2729

In my spare time I help blind children. I mean the verb, not the adjective.

Score: 2531

9 out of 10 doctors reccommend for children to drink water instead of soda that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan

Score: 2463

Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster? So we can think about a solution in silence.

Score: 2251

TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic Because they are more likely to be dead

Score: 2211

What do you call children who are born into a Whorehouse? Brothel Sprouts.

Score: 2112

Farts are like children I'm proud of mine but disgusted by yours

Score: 1790

Raising children is hard as a trans parent They see right through me

Score: 1650

Whats the difference between an ISIS training camp and a children's hospital? I dunno, I just fly the drone...

Score: 1637

My wife and I decided we don't want children... ...if anybody does, we can drop them off tomorrow.

Score: 1318

After work, I volunteer to help blind children By the way: Verb, not adjective

Score: 1177

I like to help blind children. The verb, not the adjective.

Score: 1109

Always remember that children can drown in as little as one inch of water so please if you are drowning children, don’t waste water.

Score: 953

What did little Johnny's mother do when she caught him zapping the other children with static electricity? She grounded him.

Score: 926

My wife accuses me of favoritism over my children, which is not true. I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

Score: 817

Husband: Honey why are there broken condoms on the couch? Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.

Score: 790

Don't vaccinate your children! Let a trained medical professional do it!

Score: 783

Husband: Why are there broken condoms on the couch? Wife: Would you please call our children by their names!?

Score: 710

I always keep a picture of my wife and children in my wallet. It reminds me why there's no money in there.

Score: 328

I dislike Nike because they use Indonesian children to make their shoes I hate Indonesian children.

Score: 153

Why are transgender people rarely seen with their children? Because they're transparent.

Score: 117

How are non-vaccinated children and good jokes similar? They both never get old.

Score: 62

I had a vasectomy because I didn't want any more children. Apparently a vasectomy doesn't stop you from having children, it only changes the colour of their skin.

Score: 48

they say a camera adds 5 pounds. that being the case, do african children even exist?

Score: 47

I think Taco Tuesday sets a bad example for children. They need to grow up knowing that they can eat tacos every day of the week.

Score: 31

What grows when you squeeze it, explodes if you rub it too hard, and children love it? A balloon animal!

Score: 27

Video games are like my children. I beat them.

Score: 24

I saw a sign that said, watch for children. I thought to myself... Thats a fair trade. - Demetri Martin.

Score: 24

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New Children's Jokes

Why do women an children evacuate first in any disaster? So men can think of a solution in silence.

Score: 3

Why did the ghost go to jail? For giving boos to children

Score: 4

Anti vax moms are actually saving their children You can’t be drafted if you don’t make it to 18

Score: 12

A dad was playing with his kids one day And he said: "You're so adorable I could eat you kids all up!"

One of the children ask: "Daddy, what do we taste like?"

And the dad replies: "When you're older, ask your mother."

Score: 5

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Little Johnny raised hand. and replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Score: 5

Why did a blond decide to be a virgin for the rest of her life? Because she wants to be an example for her children.

Score: 4

Did you hear Forever 21 is declaring bankruptcy? It’s being replaced by Never 21: clothing for the children of Anti-Vaxxers

Score: 7

What’s something this meme and unvaccinated children have in common? They’ll both die in new.

Score: 5

What's the difference between an ISIS compound full of terrorists and a grade school full of children? I don't know, I'm just the pilot

Score: 9

I’m going to start a new school system for children of anti-vax parents. If anyone knows where I can hire some kindergarten teachers and a mortician that would be great.

Score: 4

The rainbow hasn’t seen his children in years He just got out of prism

Score: 3

What is yellow but can’t swim? A school bus full of children.

Score: 4

I survived a genocide where millions of children were killed ...as the last sperm cell

Score: 4

At a disfigured children's ball... A boy with a wooden eye goes up to a girl with a harelip and asks her to dance.

"Oh boy, would I!"

The boy walks off in a huff and screams, "Sorry I'm not good enough for you, girl harelip!"

Score: 3

I've been babysitting for many years, and I have finally learned the secret! The biggest weakness of most children is fire.

Score: 6

Some people like to call me Santa Clause Because I love to shove my bag down little children's chimneys

Score: 3

My elderly neighbor has grown children. In her backyard, quite impressive.

Score: 3

Recent study shows that fertility is heriditary. If your parents didn't have children, chances are you won't either.

Score: 4

I’d like to die peacefully in my sleep like my dad did. But not like the children in the school bus with him.

Score: 21

My wife was teaching our children that Barbie and Disney were sexist and misogynistic. I happen to believe that children learn through examples set by their parents.

So I told my wife to shut her yap and get back in the kitchen.

Score: 5

Breaking News: Public schools are forcing Islamic teachings on America's children. Yeah, it turns out algebra was invented by some 9th century Muslim.

Score: 4

How did the cow know its children have been working out? Its calves are getting bigger

Score: 15

I got a vasectomy so I wouldn't have anymore children, Turns out, vasectomy only changes the color of your child.

Score: 5

What do buffalo tell their children before school? Bye son

Score: 3

You think Elon could create a machine to save the children trapped in the US camps? Too soon?

Score: 2

My children's chess addiction is getting out of hand. But I have managed to keep them in check so far.

Score: 12

Where do parents send their ADHD children during the summer? Concentration camps

Score: 11

I’m writing a children’s book about a female otter that goes to college. It’s called Alma Otter’s alma mater.

Score: 4

A Sunday school teacher ask the children, "why is it necessary to be quite in church?" The children replied, "because people are sleeping."

Score: 5

Just read a children's book about the pope.... Boy was it touching!

Score: 2

I used to deal LSD to children But now, they're all gown up

Score: 2

What's the difference between a laundry machine and children? A laundry machine doesn't cry when I put the load in.

Score: 4

How do Jedi get their children to eat? They Force feed them.

Score: 3

What's happening in this country? School children dressing like whores... -and whores dressing like school children. It's a nightmare!
You don't know whether to carry candy or cash.

Score: 17

I could not be a children's doctor. I would lose my patients.

Score: 14

Why did the Alabama conservative Christian politician vote against abortion? There will be Moore children to rape.

EDIT: Credit to /u/shahooster for completing the joke.

Score: 13

A lot of parents don't know that there is another way to entertain children rather than by giving them an iPad. By giving them an Android tablet!

Score: 2

What do you call a vegetable that doesn't take care if it's children? A dead beet dad

Hope you liked my OC joke

Score: 3

Why don't Asian couples have Caucasian children? Because two Wongs don't make a white.

Score: 9

I treat children the same way I treat adults but some parents don't seem to like that. Apparently they don't appreciate me telling their kids to blow me.

Score: 8

I just found out that my sweater was made by indonesian slave children And i must say they did a wonderful job

Score: 8

Donald Trump is writing a children's book about running for President He's going to title it, "Marco's Little Adventure"

Score: 2

What's the difference between a pot head and a person who physically abuses children? One is good at rolling blunts, the other is good at bowling runts.

Score: 3

I put on one of those things that prevents me from ever having children. A shell suit.

Score: 5

I volunteer a lot at a children's hospice... It never gets old.

Score: 4

So I heard that Bruce Lee had children apparently

Score: 9

I was thrown out of the hospital for improper conduct with children Apparently dressing up like the grim reaper and pointing at anti-vaxxer's kids isn't okay.

Score: 2

Why do cannibal children go to the hospital? Because their mothers told them to eat their vegetables.

Score: 8

Did you hear about the new heated children's gloves that would turn on and off without warning? Did you hear about the new heated children's gloves that would turn on and off without warning?

They worked inter-mitten-ly

Score: 9

Did you hear about the prize for the Amish children's cooking competition? Whichever kiddo makes the best egg dish gets to keep the Amlet omelet amulet

Score: 6

How many children's TV presenters does it take to change a lightbulb? Two, one to change the lightbulb and another to show one they changed earlier.

Score: 2

Why couldn't the birthday clown make balloon animals for the children? With the rising cost of inflation he couldn't afford it anymore.

Score: 7

Tragic sewing accident kills woman and three children... Whoops, wrong thread.

Score: 4

The prize for coming in the top-3 of the children's race was an evil clown. Sadly I came 4th. I would have got away with It if it wasn't for those medalling kids.

Score: 2

What would Kim Jong Un call his children? His young'uns

Score: 13

One my 12-year-old cousin told me What's the difference between broccoli and boogers?

Children don't eat broccoli.

Score: 2

Who is the KKK's favorite children's character ? The White-Power Ranger


I came up with this after reading a cracked article.

Score: 2

My Indian engineering teacher told us this today Growing up in America, you've probably heard your parents say, "Eat your food, there are starving children in India." But I tell my children, "Do your math homework or an Indian child will eat your food."

Score: 22

There's a new restaurant made out of a life-sized gingerbread house in town. I wonder if they serve children there.

Score: 22

Which famous celebrity has had the most children over the last 20 years? Which famous celebrity has had the most children over the last 20 years?

Michael Jackson

Score: 6

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