Snake Jokes

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Funniest Snake Jokes

Funny Snake Jokes

What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long? A πthon

Snake walks into a bar. And the bartender says ''How did you do that?''

A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff Ba-dumm-tsss

What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long? A πthon

What does a German snake sound like? ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßß....

A Sheep, a Drum, and a Snake fall off a cliff Baa-Dumm-Tsss

A goat, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff.. Baa- dum- ssss

A woman tried to order an exotic snake online A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves

Looks like the boa cons tricked her

A sheep, a drum and a snake fell off a cliff. BAA-DUMM-TSSS

A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff... Baa dum tssssss

a sheep, a drum, and a snake fall down a cliff.... Baaah-Dum-tsssss

My pet snake just lays around and won't move I think he's suffering from a reptile dysfunction

A snake walks into a bar And the bartender asks "How did you do that?"

A goat, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff. Bah dum tss!

If adam and eve were Chinese Then we would still be in paradise as they would eat the snake instead of the apple.

My girlfriend said she was going to get a massive tattoo of a snake on her back. "Do it," I said. "But it might hurt you."

"I know," she replied. "But it's only a needle."

"No," I said. "I mean being single."

What do you call a snake that's 3.14 metres long? A πthon

A snake walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “How did you do that?”.

A sheep,a pot and a snake walk together then fall of a cliff... *Baah Dum Tssssss*

So, a snake walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “how did you do that?”

What do you call a snake that is 3.14 feet long ? A πthon

A snake walks into a bar... Barman says "How'd you do that"?

What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 feet long? πthon

A sheep, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff... Baa-dum-tssss

A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff BA-DUMM-TSS

A snake walked into a bar The bartender says, "Hey, how did you do that?"

Why was the snake pressed againt the glass at the zoo? He wanted to be a windshield viper.

What do you call a snake that works for the government? A civil Serpent

We would all be living in paradise if Adam & Eve were Chinese.. Because they would've eaten the snake and not the apple.

So, a snake walks into a bar.... And the bartender asks in surprise "how'd you do that?!"

A goat, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff... Baa Dum Tss

I got really frustrated and my wife warned me not to cuss when the kids were around. Me: This is such bull-

Wife: Shhh, say snake instead

Me: Oh right.. This is such snakeshit

Close one

What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long? A π thon

Happy pi day. #dadjokes

What does a German snake say? ßßßß

A sheep, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff. Ba-dum-tss.

What did the German snake say? "ßßßßßßß..."

My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves... Looks like the boa cons tricked her...

A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff. Bah dum, tss.

What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 feet long? A pithon.

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New Snake Jokes

It’s a good thing snakes and dogs don’t interbreed.. Nobody wants a loyal snake

Two elephants and a snake fall off a cliff Bu dum tsssss

What do you get when you cross a snake with three doors? Monty Python

Why is it funny to put a Sheep, a stupid man and a snake next to each other? Baa Dum Tss

I killed a snake and tried to eat it for supper. Now I've got Asp Burger syndrome.

Why did the snake look so jittery? He took too much Adder-all.

lf Adam & Eve were Chinese we would have been in paradise Because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake

Short snake The short snake is late . When will he arrive, I do not know, but he won't be long.

Doctor: “Can you describe the snake that bit you?” Patient: “Yes. It looked like an angry rope. “

A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff Baa, dumm, tssssss

What do you call a snake that is approximately 3.14 feet long? A πthon

Since MIT is giving free access to their courses online, I shall study Computer science web programming with Python and Java as I thought it would be so cool to have a large snake round my neck as I drink coffee.

If God’s first couple were Chinese... If God’s first couple were Chinese we would still be in paradise and not committed the first sin.


They would have eaten the snake and ignored the apple....

What do you call a snake that weighs 3.14 tons? A πton.

What do you call a snake that's 3.14 meters long? A pi-thon!

I'll just show myself out. Of course, I shouldn't recoil.

What do you call it when a snake can't slither? A reptile dysfunction

A sheep, drum and a snake walk into a bar Baaa, dum, tssssss

what snake love math an adder

a spider a snake and a kangaroo walked into a bar it was a normal day in australia

One snake says to the other snake, are we poisonous? The other replies, I don’t know why do you ask? The first snake replies, because I just bit my lip!

A snake slithers into a bar... He asks for a glass of Whiskey, but the bartender refuses and says:
"I won't serve you, you can't hold your alcohol."

Rushing to the hospital, the paramedic asks the man, "Can you describe the snake that bit you?" "Yes, it was like an angry rope"

A Sheep, A Blonde, and A Snake fall over... ....Baaa Dumb, Tsss

When I was younger I distinctly remember a woman with a snake knocking on our door every December 31st to deliver fresh fruit. As a child I was terrified. But when I got older I realised it was just new years Eve.

What does being a fundamentalist Christian and the game Snake have in common? You can't touch yourself.

What kind of chocolate do you get a snake for Valentine's Day? Hershey's Hiss

What do you call a snake that eats too much candy A snack

My pet viper swallowed a sheet of window glass causing the snake severe physical discomfort. It was a real pane in the asp.

What did the librarian snake say when patrons were talking too loud? Ssssssssssss!

My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It's amazing how fast the super powers kick in.

What happens if you throw a sheep, a drum and a snake down a cliff? Ba dum tss.

How do you make a snake cry? Take away its rattle.

A young snake says to His Mum. Mum are we poisonous? Mum says no Son why?

Thank God for that I have just bit my tongue:

I saw a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long. I called it a πthon.

A kangaroo, a dolphin, and a snake walk into a bar. That’s all, it’s just kinda funny since none of them actually walk.

It's a requirement to be a snake if you want to become a VSCO girl Because without the "sss", "sksksk" turns into a very different strongly opinionated group

What do you call a snake that builds houses? A boa constructer



Don’t bully me I know it’s bad

What happens when a sheep, a drum and a snake fall from a cliff BA DUM TS

What is it called when a Snake can’t change its outer skin anymore? A reptile dysfunction.

I got bit by a snake I had to slide down from 99 to 42

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Long Snake Jokes

There's a little-known legend about Attila the Hun...

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.


But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet.


Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins.


Attila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet.


But the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed.


Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, "Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me."


Curious, Attila did as he asked.


Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila.


"Now hold these in both hands," he instructed.


Attila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole.


To an amazed Attila, the old man simply said,


"Thy anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, Hun."

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

A man goes into a restaurant with his pet snake.

He seats himself at a table, and his snake slithers up onto the seat next to him. Soon, a waitress comes to take his order.

The man declares, "I want 25 hamburgers- two for me and 23 for my pet snake here."

The waitress leaves, and 20 minutes later returns with two plates. On the man's plate there are two hamburgers, and on the plate in front of the snake are 23 beef patties, plain, by themselves. The snake turns its head away in disgust.

The man fumes, "No! He wants real hamburgers too, in buns, like mine. In buns!"

The waitress starts to protest, "But sir, our restaurant is low on buns right now, and... do snakes even eat bread...?"

The waitress goes on and on about what an awkward request and situation this is until the man cuts her off, saying, "Listen lady, My Anaconda Don't Want None Unless You Got Buns, Hun!"

Boy scout: Sir, I found a snake, is it poisonous?

Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all

*Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified*

Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time lads

Fishing and Whiskey

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in its mouth.

Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in its mouth, I grabbed it right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. Its eyes rolled back, and it went limp.

I released the snake into the lake without incident and carried on fishing, using the frog.

Not long after, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that damn snake... with two more frogs.

A guy goes into a restaurant with his pet snake...

...and they sit down and the man orders.

"25 Hamburgers. Two for me, and the rest for my pet snake."

A little while later, the waitress brings the man his two hamburgers, and for the snake, a large plate with 23 cooked beef patties, nothing more.

The snake takes one look at the patties and turns away in disgust. The man asks the waitress, "You have to put them on hamburger buns like a regular hamburger for him."

The waitress protests, "But sir, we're short on hamburger buns as it is, and can snakes even eat bread?"

The man replies, "Look, my anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hun."

There’s a little-known legend about Attila the Hun.

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.


But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet.
Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins.


Attila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet.


But the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed.


Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, “Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me.”


Curious, Attila did as he asked.
Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila.


“Now hold these in both hands,” he instructed.
Attila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole.


To an amazed Attila, the old man simply said, “Thy anaconda don’t want nun unless you’ve got buns, Hun.”

I was fishing on vacation in Florida, when I ran out of bait. I saw a small snake nearby trying to swallow a frog and knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket...

Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.

It was the snake........with two more frogs.

A guy goes fishing one morning but after a short time runs out of worms.

Just then he sees a cotton-mouth snake in the water with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn’t bite with the frog in his mouth, the guy grabs him right behind the head, takes the frog, and puts the snake in his bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, the guy snatches his bottle of Jack Daniels and pours a little whiskey in the snake's mouth. His eyes roll back and he goes limp. The guy releases him into the lake without incident and carries on fishing using the frog.

A little later, he feels nudge on his foot. It was that snake, with two more frogs.

Boy Scout: Sir, the lads and I found a snake. Is it poisonous?

Me: No, this snake is not poisonous at all.

* one of them picks up the snake, which bites him. He begins to spasm and foam at the mouth.*

Me: However, this snake is very venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time.

No, that snake’s not poisonous at all.

A boy scout says to his scout leader, “Sir, is this snake poisonous?”
The scout leader says, “No, that snake’s not poisonous at all.”

So the boy picks up the snake which bites him, and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror.

The scout leader says, “But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let’s get it right next time, boys.”

A man is going fishing one day.

After awhile, he ran out of worms to use as bait. He noticed a cottonmouth with a frog hanging out of its mouth. Knowing frogs make good bait, he caught the snake. He picked it up by the back of the head since it couldn't bite him with a frog in its mouth. The man removes the frog and thinks "how do I let the snake go without being bit?". So, with his free hand, he reaches into his box and pulls out his bottle of Jack Daniels and pours some in the snake's mouth. The snake goes limp and the man is able to release it without getting bit. Hours later, he's done fishing and packing stuff up when he feels something on his foot. He looks down and it's the same snake, with two more frogs.

Nate the Snake joke Warning, unhealthily long

Tim was an adventurous man, and he had quite a bit of money. One afternoon during work, Tim decided that he wanted to go driving on the dunes in egypt. So that weekend, he booked tickets to Cairo and took a few extra days off work. When he arrived in Cairo he took a bus to a smaller village with less people and laxer laws and rented a car to drive on the dunes. He went out the first time at night around 11:30 because his flight came in late.

Tim had a marvelous time on the dunes: driving up and down them, going far too fast, and of course, drifting. He was at it all night and was having fun but the sky was getting brighter and he decided it was time to head home. As he started off towards the village the car suddenly sputtered and died and try as he might, Tim could not start it up again. Tim kept trying to start the car, he had extra gas so it wasn't that, what could it be?

Eventually Tim figured out the battery had died. This worried Tim slightly but he remembered the village was to the east so he figured he could walk. The car compass said the nose was pointing east so he took his water bottle from the car and started walking off in that direction. What Tim didn't know was that the compass wasn't accurate because the car had died so he ended up walking west instead of east. He walked for a few hours at which point he climbed to the top of a large dune to see if he could see the village. From the summit he looked and could only see the car several miles back where he came from and then nothing but desert for miles and miles around.

Tim decided it would be best to head back to the car and around mid day he made it back. He then decided it would be best to follow the car tracks. He followed and followed them along but ended up back at the car. Confused and frustrated, he thought how that could happen. He concluded that because he was doing donuts, he ended up following the wrong trail. He set out again determined to find the right one; an hour later he was back at the car. He tried one last time but the wind was covering the tire tracks with sand making traveling not possible and he was forced to return to the vehicle. Tim by this point was desperate. He decided his only option was to just pick a direction and hope for the best. He collected what little remained of his water and a bottle of wiper fluid he had in his car in case he needed fluids and picked a direction and started walking.

By the time Tim left the car it was pushing 6 o'clock. He walked and walked for several hours and ended up at the foot of a large sand dune. Tim decided that his best chance of survival was to climb the dune so he set out. About 45 feet up he was feeling the burn and pretty soon it became too steep to climb. Tim got on his hands and knees determined to climb the dune. About half way up he chugged the last of his water and continued to forge on. About 3/4ths of the way up he felt like he was dying of dehydration and decided that having some fluids in him was better than none and he could be cured of the poison back in the town, so Tim drank the wiper fluid. The fluids in him again had him feeling rejuvenated and he pushed to the top of the dune.

When he reached the top his head was spinning from the wiper fluid but he had made it! He crested the peak and looked out into the falling sun expecting to see the village. Unfortunately all he saw around him was desert. Disheartened he looked to going back down the dune when he noticed something, a smallish wooden and straw structure half buried in the sand. He started crawling down the dune toward the structure, now fully feeling the effects of the poison. He crawled into an opening in the structure and by this time he was barely conscious. Inside the structure was a golden colored lever. This confused Tim, and when he stood up to try and push it, his head started spinning something bad and he collapsed into unconsciousness.

Tim woke up to light coming through the cracks in the building and felt rejuvenated. He felt healthy. "How is this possible?" Tim thought to himself, "am I dead?" Tim started to sit up, those questions floating through his head when all of a sudden he was face to face with a snake. And much to Tim's astonishment, the snake began to speak. "Hello I am nate the snake" The snake said. Tim was confused and scared but he worked up the nerve to sputter out a few "whats" and "hows." The snake interrupted Tim's unintelligible babbling to say "Travelers usually don't find this place, and the ones that do get 2 wishes. I saw that you were poisoned, dehydrated, and dying so I granted a wish on your behalf allowing you to survive and stay healthy without a need for food and water." This made about as much sense as any explanation that Tim thought of so he accepted it. The next question that came to Tim's mind concerned the lever. Nate the Snake began to explain:
"The lever is a doomsday lever, in fact, this area used to be what you know as the garden of eden. This lever was supposed to destroy the world and all its inhabitants if the animals became corrupt or evil, since then humanity has spread all across the planet and we can't have the world ending now can we?"

Tim didn't quite buy it but the snake continued his story: "I am descendant of a generation of serpents supposed to guard this lever and make sure no travelers, such as yourself, wander across this lever and push it killing everybody."
By this point Tim was so confident he was hallucinating that he just went along with it. The snake asked if Tim had any questions:
"Ya so do you know where the village is?" Tim asked. Nate the Snake replied with a short "no" and continued to talk on about how Tim is the first person he'd seen in many many years, as it became more apparent that Tim didn't really care, Nate the Snake pointed out that Tim still had one wish. "Oh right!" Tim exclaimed and proceeded to ask Nate for an internal compass so that Tim would always know where he wanted to go. Suddenly, Tim knew the way to the village, it was about a days walk southeast of where the structure was. With that in mind, Tim thanked Nate and promised to visit again (still thinking he's hallucinating but at least he has a direction to go now) and he set out southeast to where he hoped the town was.

Tim stumbled into town later in the day convinced that he was just lucky and that the Nate the Snake encounter was a fever dream on account of the poison. He checked into a hospital and was given drugs to flush out the toxins but he was fine. He decided to cut his trip short on account of his odd adventure in the desert and he took a bus back to Cairo the next day then flew home. Tim continued his life where he left off, and he told all his friends about his ordeal in the desert, and he went on with his normal life for about 5 years.

Then one day Tim was going to go out to eat with is friends and something occurred to him: he hadn't eaten or drank anything in over a week, he'd just been too busy and didn't think of it. This puzzled Tim as he racked his brain to figure out why then suddenly the whole Nate the Snake encounter came flooding back to him. If he didn't need to eat or drink, that means the whole encounter much had actually happened! Tim became terrified then excited as he considered the possibilities of it then he remembered the promise he made to Nate to come back and visit him. He hastily bought a ticket to Cairo for the weekend and took a couple days off work. The flight was uneventful and he ended up in Cairo where he took a bus to the small village.

Tim didn't have the money to rent a car this time but since he didn't need to eat or drink he figured he could just walk to Nate's domain. With his internal map pointing the way, Tim set off into the desert to the Northwest and walked for the rest of the afternoon and well into the night. By the time the sun was rising behind him, Tim walked over the final dune and saw the small wood and grass structure that housed the lever. When Tim was approaching the structure, Nate the Snake slithered out in front of him. "Tim!" Nate the Snake exclaimed, "I thought you'd forgot about me"
Tim felt blood rushing into his cheeks as he felt ashamed about forgetting, "Im sorry Nate, Ive just been so busy living my life and honestly, i chocked our whole meeting up to hallucinations due to the poison"
"Thats understandable" nate said "Thank you for coming back though it really means a lot to me, anyway I have someone to introduce you to."
As if on cue, a smaller snake slithered out.
"Tim" Nate continued, "This is my son Joe"
"Oh hi there" Tim said
"Now tim," Nate said, "I actually have a huge favor to ask you, my son, Joe, will take over my job when I die and be bound to guard the lever forever. I want you to take Joe with you and show him the world, I know this is a lot to ask but please, I want him to see the world before he's bound to the lever forever"

Tim was hesitant but he figured that Nate had saved his life, so he owed him that favor. So after the meeting, Tim and Joe trekked back across the desert to the village and back to Cairo. Nate quit his job and they spent the remainder of his money traveling the world. Tim and Joe travelled Asia first, then the americas and finally they went to europe. It was around the 5th month of the traveling and Tim and Joe ended up in a bar in Norway. Over some beers they were discussing their plans next and Joe spoke up saying that they had been gone for a while and that it might be time to go back. Tim agreed that it was time and they flew out to Cairo a few days later.

They landed in Cairo and took the bus to the village and started walking the day and a half journey to Nate and Joe's home. After about 6 hours of walking, Tim and Joe came across a car half buried in the sand. Tim brushed off the sand and unburied it from the sand before climbing inside. After checking out the car and briefly looking at the engine, Tim concluded that it was in working order. Tim and Joe searched a little bit for a person to whom the car belonged but found nobody around, so they hot-wired the car and started driving to shave off many hours from their journey.

After a few hours of driving they were nearing the lever and started the last downhill section toward the lever. The car started picking up speed so Tim applied the break, and nothing happened. Tim started panicking and slamming the break but the car didn't slow down at all. "Whats wrong?" Joe asked with a tone of fear in his voice.
"The car's breaks or jammed it isn't working"
Tim and Joe both pushed on the breaks as hard as they could but nothing happened. They turned off the engine in desperation but the car kept sliding toward the structure, suddenly, Nate came out of the structure to the left facing away from the car but he couldn't hear because the engine was off. There was a flat area behind the structure so Tim figured if he just turned right he could roll to a stop.

Tim turned the wheel right but the car didn't shift at all because the tires were stuck in a groove. Tim kept trying to turn it but nothing was happening, he briefly by accident shifted the wheel left and the car moved. The car was going quickly toward the lever building and they had to make a move. Tim kept yelling "What do I do?" to Joe, he could either hit the building or move left and hit Nate because the car wouldn’t go right. Joe was rather quiet and then he looked Tim with tears in his and rested his tail upon the wheel and started pushing it to the left. Tim looked confused and scared as joe maneuvered the car so that it would hit Nate. Tim looked at Joe and asked, "Why?" and Joe looked back, crying now, and said:

Better Nate than lever.

20 Things to do Before You Die...

1) Look at see through glass and when someone is on the other side shout "OH MY GOD, I'M HIDEOUS!"
2) Bring a big chair into the elevator facing away from the door and when someone walks in, dramatically turn and say 'we've been expecting you.'
3) Walk up to someone, hand them a potato, look them in the eyes and deadpan 'with great power, comes great responsibility.' Walk away.
4) Call someone to tell them you can't talk right now.
5) Point at someone and shout "You're one of them!" Run and pretend to trip. Crawl away slowly.
6) Buy a donut and complain that there's a hole in it.
7) Put Mayonnaise in a bowl, freeze it, and tell your friend it's ice cream.
8) Put up a "Lost Dog" poster with a picture of a cat on it.
9) In a public toilet, pass a note under the door next to you saying, "They're onto us. We need to go."
10) Walk up to a random person and say, "Wow! You've changed, I still have your picture from five years ago." And hold up a picture of potato.
11) Call McDonalds asking for directions to Burger King.
12) Order a pizza 5 minutes before New Years, and when it comes, yell, "I ORDERED THIS THING A YEAR AGO!
13) Bring a desk on an elevator. When people try to get on ask if they have an appointment.
14) Go to an electronic store with a banana and say that you want to upgrade to an apple.
15) Call Pizza Hut and ask for the phone number to Domino's.
16) Hide a walk talkie in a bush and scare people that walk by.
17) Get on a crowded elevator with a bag in your hands, sigh and say "darn my snake got loose again".
18) When someone asks you if you know what time it is, say yes and walk away.
19) Dress up as a duck and throw bread at people and say,"HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?!! HUH?!!!!
20) Go to a pet shop, point at an employee, and shout "I WANT THAT ONE MOMMY!!!"

That wasn't very punny now was it?

...A guy goes into a nice restaurant bar wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in -- just don't start anything."

...This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman... She, of course, turns him down. Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her... "C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy..."

...This horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, buddy, why the long face...

...These two strings walk upto a bar... The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells "I don't serve strings in this bar... The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders... The bartender shouts, Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" String says "Yeah." Bartender says, "aren't you a string?" ... String says, "No, I'm a frayed knot..."

...This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Hey! We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies "Really? You have a drink named Steve?!"

...This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says,"What'll ya have..." The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club...

...This skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and a mop..."

...A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked. "No." A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of the man's leg. "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" he said indignantly. The other guy replied, "That's not my dog."

...A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

...Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Would you like a beer?" Descartes replies "I think not" and POOF! he vanishes...

...A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw..."

...A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartenders says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here..."

...A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

...A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you." "Why not?" asks the snake. The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor..."

...Baby seal walks into a club... what a tragedy...

...A guy walks into a bar. "OUCH!" he said...

...Two peanuts walked into a bar, and one was a-salted...

...Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender. "I'll have a glass of blood," said one. "I'll have a glass of plasma", said the other. "Okay," replied the bartender, "that'll be one blood and one blood lite..."

...Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive...'

...Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage chesse, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."

...a man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "nice tie!" Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said "beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the bartender over,"Hey...i must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here other than us." "It's the peanuts" answered the bartender. "Say what?" "You heard me" said the barkeep."it's the peanuts... they're complimentary."

...Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist;s Novocain during root canal work because he wanted to transcend dental medication.

...Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak got chilly so they lit a fire in the craft but it sank proving once and for all you can't have your kayak and eat it too.

...Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina; one went to Hollywood and became a famous actor while the other stayed behind in the cotton fields never amounting to much and became known as the lesser of two weevils.

...There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

...A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amahl while the other goes to a family in Spain and is named Juan. Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother and upon receiving the picture she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Amahl. "But they're twins," says her husband, "If you've seen Juan you've seen Amahl."

...A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing around in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. About an hour later the manager comes out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked as they moved along. "Because," said the manager, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

...It was a doctor's regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home and, aware of his habit, the bartender would always have the drink waiting for him at precisely 5:18 PM. One afternoon as the end of the work-day neared the bartender was dismayed to find he was out of hazelnut extract but, thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink, then exclaimed: "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri", to which the bartender replied, "No, I'm sorry, it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

...A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat when he came across two men; one was sitting under a tree reading a book while the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him proving even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."


2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2017 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

A man is going fishing one day...

After awhile, he runs out of bait. He sees a snake nearby with a frog in its mouth. Knowing that a frog will make good bait, he catches the snake. He removes the frog, and thinks to himself "How do I let the snake go without getting bit?". He ponders for a minute, then, with his free hand, reaches for his bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey. He pops it open and pours some in the snake's mouth. The snake goes limp and the man tosses it away. Later, as he is getting ready to go home, he feels something on his foot. The man looks down to see the snake next to the whiskey, this time with two frogs in its mouth.

Jake is driving in the desert...

And he's driving wildly. He's doing tons of doughnuts to pass the time. Suddenly, his car stops. Jake checks and realizes that he's out of gas. And nowhere near civilization. And without water.

Realizing he needs liquids for the trek ahead of him, so he searches his car for something. The only thing he finds is his poisonous windshield wiper fluid. To at least have something, Jake decides to take it with him.

And then the journey begins.

So he walks...

And walks...

And walks...

Eventually, he gets too exhausted to walk, so he crawls...

And crawls...

And crawls...

And crawls...

Dehydrated from the blazing desert heat, he gives in to his reflexes and drinks the windshield wiper fluid.

It didn't help.

So he continued to crawl...

And crawl...

And crawl...

But then, as he thought he couldn't crawl anymore, he sees the strangest thing in his entire life: a snake wrapped around a large upright stick.

Bewildered, he approached the reptile.

Then, the snake speaks to Jake:

"Hello, I am Nate, Guardian of the Lever. If the lever is pulled, the entire universe, everything in it, and all life will come to an end. I was told that the next person who approaches would be the new Guardian of the Lever, and I was to grant him three wishes to reward him for accepting this noble task."

Jake processes the extreme responsibility bestowed upon him, and gladly accepts his new role. He begins with his first wish:

"First, make me healthy. I am simultaneously dying of windshield wiper poisoning and dehydration."

And Nate obeyed; with a swish of his tail, Jake was cured.

"Second, get me out of this desert. While the Lever is great, I want to go home."

Nate replies, "Before I grant your second wish, what is your third wish?"

Jake ponders this, and finally decides, "I want all of the wisdom in the entire universe. I want to understand how to be successful and live life to the fullest."

And then Nate granted both of Jake's wishes, bringing him back home with new knowledge.

With this knowledge, Jake became very wealthy. He bought a beautiful house with an amazing view, started a family, and sold an extremely successful start-up.

However, Jake knew of his responsibility, and would often go to see his good friend Nate, who still lived by the Lever because he had been there for so long.

On one of his trips to visit Nate, Jake takes a new car through the desert. After a distance, Jake sees the Lever, a cliff, and Nate. Jake decides to stop the car and reaches to brake, but he unfortunately bought his car from the wrong person, for the brakes weren't working. Jake analyzes the situation. If he keeps going straight, he'll plummet off of a cliff. If he turns left, he'll hit the Lever which will end the entire universe, everything in it, and all life. If he turns right, he'll crush his good friend Nate.

Jake knows the correct decision.

He turns right and kills his good friend Nate.

Jake then exclaims, "Better Nate than Lever!"

Did you hear the one about the snake with the wriggly hips?

Look, I'm sorry if I'm breaking a rule, but this has been bothering me for decades. From the comments in this sub, most of you have apparently heard every joke a million times before... ;) I thought maybe somebody's heard the punch line for this one...

In the late 80s, we had a CB in our station wagon. My mom was driving me to middle school one morning, and I did a radio check and found a trucker to talk to.

I told him a few tame kiddie jokes, he laughed, and then he said, "Have you heard the one about the snake with the wriggly hips?"

My mom took the speaker away from me and said, "Before you tell that joke, you should know that you're speaking to a ten-year-old girl."

The trucker said, "Oh..." and then went on to tell a different joke.

I have NEVER heard this joke since, or been able to find it online. It's come back to haunt me at random times, like today, so I thought I'd take a shot here. Anybody know this joke?

Sounds fishy

I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in its mouth. Frogs are good bass bait, so, knowing the snake couldn't bite me with a frog in its mouth, I grabbed it right behind the head. Then I took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.

So, I grabbed some weed, and blew some smoke its mouth. Its eyes rolled back, and it went limp.

I released the snake into the lake without incident and carried on fishing, using the frog.

Not long after, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that damn snake...with two frogs.

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