My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!" I repied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."
As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.
At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?" The inmate responded, "It’s bec..."
Inmate: I think I have..
Officer: Go on.
Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?
Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
Security officer: If you find a USB outside, don't bring it into the office Me (taking notes): Note to self: Only bring international bees into the office
A German was going to a trip in France...
He reached passport control and the officer asked:
"No no, just visiting"
I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record. I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.
A drunk wakes up in jail and asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking." replies the officer. "Great!" slurs the man. "When do we start?"
One of the girls in the office where I work is going to be having a baby. I just haven't decided which one yet.
Why is Christmas like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
My boss came storming in to the office this morning, yelling that he’ll fire the employee with the worst posture... I have a hunch it might be me...
At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?"
Inmate: it's bec..
Inmate: I think i have..
Officer: Go on.
Inmate: Can i please finish my sentence?
Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
My boss noticed I shaved before coming in to the office today then he told me if i wanted to keep my job I would have to start keeping my pants on
A man applies for a job as a police officer.
The officer says: Alright, one more thing. Take this gun and go shoot 7 black men and a squirrel.
The man replies: Why the squirrel?
The officer says: I love your attitude, you got the job!
My boss told me "As a security guard, its your job to watch the office".... I'm on season 6 now but don't see what it has to do with security
I misplaced something at the office. A nice man in a turban helped me locate it. I guess it's true what they say.
Sikh and you shall find.
(edit: same man teased me about the pronunciation. It was good natured, but it was still a Sikh burn)
(also a comma)
My friend believes The Office is the best television show, and belittles anyone that thinks otherwise I'm so tired of these Dwight Supremacists
The boss tells one of his jokes and everyone burst out laughing in the office. Except for one guy.
When asked "Why didn't you laugh?"
He responded " I don't work here"
The officer said “You’re staggering.”
I said “You’re quite handsome yourself.”
We both laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Why is Christmas just like another day in the office? Because you do all the hard work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
Why is a day at the office the same as Christmas? Because you do all the work, and the fat guy with the suit gets all of the credit.
If you're going to drink and drive, always carry a flask in your car If you get pulled over for a DUI, put the flask in your lap, suspiciously insist that it's "water," and that's when the officer finds out that's it's chloroform.
Strange new trend at the office People are putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Criminal on the electric chair. The officer ask: Any last wishes? The criminal: Please hold my hand...
To the person at the office who stole my chair yet again Whoever you are, Im not going to stand for this!
This woman is trying to get me fired for giving inappropriate massages in the office. Good luck with that, lady. I don't even work here.
Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office." Doctor: "Turn him around. Make it look like he was walking in."
A man gets pulled over for speeding and evading the police. The officer asks him why he didn't stop. "Well," says the man, "my wife ran off with a cop last week and I was afraid you were trying to bring her back!"
Why do we call the office printer Bob Marley? Cause it's always Jammin'
A blonde is driving her car and...
...she runs over 20 people while driving.
The officer pulls her up and says "Miss', do you know you just ran over 20 people back there?"
"I'm sorry officer, what's the limit?"
We got a new whiteboard at the office today... It's remarkable!
A guy's boss who is traveling calls him and asks, "Is everything okay at the office?"
"Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."
"Can you do me a favor?"
"Of course, what is it?"
"Hurry up and take your shot, I'm behind you on the 7th hole."
The officer told me: "You're staggering".
I said: "You're quite handsome yourself"
We just laughed and laughed.
^^I ^^need ^^bail ^^money.
Heard this from my History Professor.
Ronald Reagan had such high regard for the office of President that his jacket was never off.
Bill Clinton had such high regard for the office of President that his pants were never on.
People in the office always complain about the a/c being too strong but I'm totally cool with it
I just put my phone on airplane mode and threw it across the office Worst transformer ever.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
When interviewing the police officers involved in Tiger Woods' arrest, they told how they came to suspect he was under the influence. "Simple" The officer responded. "It was the straightest drive he's had in years. We knew right away something was up."
Why is christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work, and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
So I got pulled over the other day...
The Officer asked, "Are you drinking?"
I said, "You buying?"
We just laughed and laughed and laughed...
I need bail money.
How did the Guy who got fired, still turn up to the Office next day? He got fired from the job centre.
I'm really delighted that I received more than 20 boquets of roses with balloons from different people for Valentine's Day! and as the receptionist I had to search for all the recepients in the office 😂
A black slave escaped with a wheel of cheese. The owner was being interviewed by southern law enforcement where he asked: "will you be able to find him?" Which the officer replied: Can't say but one things for sure, he Nacho Negro.
So I asked my grandma where the office is located to take my grandpa for his Alzheimer’s appointment She forgot. Guess the appointments for 2 now.
The officer strolled up to my driver side window and angrily asked, "Sir, have you been drinking? Your eyes are red." I looked up at him and inquired, "Officer, have you been eating donuts? Your eyes are glazed."
The officer came and asked where I was between 5 and 6... I said kindergarten
Who ever you are Not Me, one day we will finally catch you. I mean how many times do you see innocent people being arrested even though they tell the officer, it was Not Me. Not Me did it!!
Christmas is like a normal day at the office. You do all the work, but the fat man in a suit gets all the credit.
Two cops speeding to an incident
The officer driving asks his partner to check if the lights on the roof are working.
His partner sticks his head out of the window and then replies,
"......yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no......"
As I was getting ticketed for not wearing my seat belt, a motorcyclist drove past the officer and I. What a joke.
Why was the sugar out of the office? Because it was on granule leave!
Why is Christmas just like another day in the office? Because you do all the work and some fat guy in a suit gets all the credit.
I got pulled over a while ago and the officer asked me "you drinking?" I responded "you buying?" We both laughed and I got arrested
A police officer arrests a drunk man
After minutes of hassle getting the man in the police car, they're finally ready to go.
The officers turns around and says "Please fasten your seatbelt".
The man smirks and says "It's ok. Nobody will pull us over"
How do you know OP has left the office? Username checks out
I talked my way out of a speeding ticket today I was going 90 on a country road and the officer pulled me over walked over to my car and said "I've been waiting for you all day" I said "im sorry officer I got here as fast as I could"
A man was walking through the Australian customs...
As the officer asked him "have you ever been convicted of a felony?"
"No," he answered "I didn't realize that was still a requirement."
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all of the hard work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
A thief stole my wife's credit card,
I let him keep it Because he spends less than my wife does, I said to the police officer,
The officer says, then how come you are reporting it to me a year later,
I said "because the theif's wife started to use it"
A man is pulled over for speeding. Once the officer tries to talk to the man, he notices that he's very stoned. The officer then asks…
"Sir, how high are you?"
Quickly the man slurs the words,
"No, officer. It's 'Hi. How are you?'"
Two priest driving down the road...
Two priests are driving down the road when they are stopped by two police officers.
"We're looking for two child molesters," the officers tell them.
The priests look at each other before they speak. "We'll do it."
Have you ever noticed that no believes what Ryan Howard says on The Office? He's like the boy who cried wuph
I got a job interview for a truck driver position They called and told me the office was 30km away from me I said forget it I don't want to drive that far.
I used to think hard work beats luck.. until a leprechaun banged my wife while I was at the office
A man applies for a position at EA
When he gets to the office he meets with the interviewer.
To finish the rest of this joke please purchase the "Joke pack" for $5
I always arrive late at the office... ... But I make up for it by leaving early.
There is a Mexican, a black person, a muslim, and a gipsy in a car. Who drives it? The officer.
The Band ACDC was Arrested For Firearm Possession... They told the officer they only Shoot to Thrill
An Australian soldier arrives at the front line
in WW1 where he meets a British officer.
The officer asks "have come here to die too?"
The soldier replies
"No sir, I came yesterday."
What did the Office of Admissions say to the recently-accepted Urology student? "Ur-ine!"