Cat Jokes

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Funniest Cat Jokes

I think my cat might be a communist He won't shut up about Mao.

Score: 11915

How is a trans 4-year old like a vegan cat? We all know who’s making that decision

Score: 10939
Funny Cat Jokes
Score: 9359

What's the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of is paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

Score: 7727

I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’ You've probably seen our posters.

Score: 5643

A cat walks into a bar. The bartender says, "what'll you have?"
The cat says, "A shot of rum."
The bartender pours the cat his drink.
The cat slowly pushes the shot off the table.
"Another."

Score: 5284

I asked a librarian for a book about Pavlov's dog and Schroedinger's cat. She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

Score: 2308

Where would you park your camel? The Camelot.

PS Booze helped with this and now I'm laughing alone in my apartment

Edit: Went to class, came back, saw this. Me and my cat are thoroughly pleased.

Score: 2059

When I was five, my Dad put Snowballs in the blender to make a slushie... I miss snowballs, she was a good cat.

Score: 1462

My kids were hungry so I made them burgers from scratch. They got really upset and started to cry.

Scratch is a stupid name for a cat anyway..

Score: 1444

I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat. She said it rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

Score: 1318

I went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov's dog and Shrodinger's Cat The librarian said "That rings a bell but I don't know if it's here or not."

Score: 1157

I asked the librarian for a book about Pavlov's dog and Schroedinger's cat. She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

Score: 1025

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.

I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.

Score: 1010

What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

Score: 896

Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree He's wanted dead and alive

Score: 878

They found a cat on mars... A live cat was found roaming the surface of Mars. Scientists planned to have the Mars Rover capture the animal to study it but unfortunately while attempting to capture the feline, Curiosity killed the cat.

Score: 819

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian at the info desk if they have any books on Pavlov's dog or Schrodinger's cat. The librarian thinks for a moment before replying "It rings a bell but I'm not sure whether it's there or not."

Score: 617

What's the difference between a cat and a comma? One has its claws at the end of its paws, and one is a pause at the end of a clause.

Score: 520

What's the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws, the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

Score: 509

I just gave my cat some 7UP. Now he's got 16 lives.

Score: 488

News has just come in that The Mars Rover has discovered a member of the feline species while exploring. Unfortunately, Curiosity killed the cat.

Edit: this is /u/Onetap1's joke, credit goes to him

Score: 397

What do you call a boy cat sleeping on a bed? Himalayan.

*Be gentle. First post on here.

Score: 381

My kids cried when I told them I had put ginger in the curry. They loved that cat.

Score: 378

I'm in a band called Missing Cat. You've probably seen our posters.

Score: 375

*A joke my son told me* - What do you call it when a cat wins a dog show? A Cat-Has-Trophey!

Score: 354

Went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov’s dog and Schrodinger’s cat. The librarian said it rang a bell but she didn’t know if it was there or not.

Score: 346

Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks? They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.

Score: 338

I just found a dead body in the street So I took it home and put it on the cat's pillow


See how she f**king likes it !

Score: 299

My girlfriend threw up when I told her I put ginger in our curry. She loved that cat.

Score: 294

Good news: cat found on mars Bad news: curiosity killed the cat

Score: 85

Wanted: £20,000 Reward for Schroedinger's Cat... ...Dead and Alive

Score: 29

This hating of people breastfeeding in public should really stop. I can raise my cat any way I want to.

Score: 21

What's mostly red and has 2 legs? Half of a cat.

Score: 13

What's the difference between Mufasa and a house cat? Mufasa couldn't land on all fours.

Score: 11

You hear of that dyslexic atheist cat? He didn’t believe in dog.

Score: 8

I've been thinking about getting cat faces tattooed around my nipples, but I'm not sure how my boyfriend feels about titty tats.

Score: 7

I'm not saying my cat is old.. .. but if it was a person, it would be too old for Roy Moore.

Score: 6

Which makes a better Doctor? A cat or a dog? of course its Cats! Dog's can't even run an MRI. But Cat's can!

Score: 6

What does the Italian cat say? Cheow!

Score: 5

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New Cat Jokes

The media was quick to attack Trump's claim that "wind energy was killing all the birds", countering that cats kill way more birds than windmills... I can't remember the last time I heard about a cat killing a windmill...

Score: 3

Two friends are meeting in a bar Friend1: My wife and I got a new pet.

Friend2: Cool, what is it? A cat? A dog?

Friend1: Neither. It is a skunk.

Friend2: Oh gosh. Isn't it smelling totally awful in your home?

Friend1: Well, the pet will have to get used to it.

Score: 0

My cat got another bumpersticker. BITE THE HANDS THAT DON'T FEED YOU.

Score: 0

Today, a CAT fell on me. Would've been funny, had I not been in a construction site.

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What keyboard macro is used to get a cat on a computer? Tab E

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What did the owner say to his cat after she dressed as a dog? Naughty dog
(Not-a dog)

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What did the millennial say at a safari when a big cat jumped out in front of him? Ok puma

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I wanted to watch the Dallas cowboys in the superbowl... The cat said, "Not without a VCR"

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I think my kitten has a tumor.. But I won’t know for sure until she has a cat scan

Score: 5

What do you call it when your doctor tells you to take your dead cat to a Taxidermist a refurral.

Score: 2

Halloween is next month! Here's a Halloween themed joke for you all: Why is a black cat unlucky? It means you cooked it too long.

Score: 1

A vet calls a cat owner - Sir your wife is here with your cat, she wants me to put her to sleep. Do you agree with that?

- Yeah sure put her to sleep, and let the cat out, she knows how to come back home on her own.

Score: 2

How did the alcoholic cat live for so long? He had nine livers.

Score: 3

What do you call a cat on the computer? A hacker

Score: 1

What did the cat say to the octopus with a gun in each tentacle ? You're one short, buddy.

Score: 2

What does a cat say after dropping a vase and you caught her in the act? Meow culpa

Score: 3

My wife went to the carpet store... I now have a freaking cat living in my car.

Score: 1

Did you know that most Arab households have a cat? They are used to scare the suicide bombers

Score: 1

I worked the courage to call out my overweight cat today. I asked him "If you're such a fat cat, where is all the money?"

Score: 1

This exchange on the ride home from school after fainting Dad:the cats should examine you
Me: uh huh
Dad:they’ll do a cat scan

Score: 4

We get a rovot on the surface of an alien planet and the first thing we do is roll over an adorable fuzz ball. Its True. Curiosity killed the cat.

Score: 0

What do you call a Viking cat call? Valholla

Score: 3

I heard that the cat with the worlds longest tail is 7 feet... But I think that’s just a tall tail.

Score: 1

I can't watch Netflix with my cat... Because she paws it.

Score: 1

What was the difference between the dead lawyer and the dead cat on the side of the road? The cat had tire marks before it.

Score: 4

When does a black cat bring bad luck? When you’re a mouse!

Score: 2

Why did Stevie Wonder run away from the black cat crossing the street under a ladder? He was very Superstitious.

Score: 4

I was so ugly and smelly as a kid That when I played in the sandbox, the cat would try to bury me!

Score: 2

What does a non-moving cat and a motorcycle traveling at 80mph have in common? They make the same sound.

Score: 3

What does a cat say when it wants to go outside? Let meow

Score: 5

How do you make a dead cat float? Use one can of root beer and two scoops of dead cat.

Score: 3

Do you know how to make a cat go woof? Soak it in gasoline and light it on fire and it goes woof!

Score: 2

We think our cat ate a dozen of our baby chicks yesterday ...but we can't seem to get a peep out of her!

Score: 1

George Michael was dancing in the supermarket when he accidentally knocked over an entire stack of cat food, spilling it everywhere Careless Whiskas

Score: 2

A cat and dog stand next to a broken case. Who did it? The Russians.

Score: 2

Who is the most communist cat in the world? Meow Zedong

Score: 2

My priest's been buying tonnes of kittens lately... I think he's a Cat-a-holic.

Score: 3

Today I decided to play Mario as a cat. Because I would get 9 lives instead of 3.

Score: 2

my cat ate some yarn today, we are all worried he might get sick His stomach's in knots

Score: 2

A cat got his owl friend pregnant They're expecting meowls.

<(OvO)> Lowl

Score: 1

My grandmother tried keeping her hysterectomy a secret... ...but the doctors let the cat out of the bag.

Score: 1

What was the cat painting A self pawtrait.

Score: 1

A cat entered a barn A cat entered a barn:

Meooow!

All the mice hid. The cat broke the silence again:

Woof, woof!

All the mice came out of hiding. The moral: It's always good to study a second language.

Score: 1

What has two legs and bleeds a lot? Half a cat

Score: 5

When I was a kid I thought our family's cat looked like Timon from The Lion King so I thought he was a meerkat. Turns out he was just a mere cat.

Score: 3

If K-9 is a guard dog, a guard cat would be.... K-10.^^kitten

Score: 5

What do you get when you cross a duck and a cat? A Chinese restaurant's newest entree!

Score: 2

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