Cat Jokes

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Funniest Cat Jokes

Funny Cat Jokes
Score: 9359

What's the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of is paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

Score: 7727

I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's Dog and Schrodinger's Cat She said it rang a bell but wasn't sure if it was there or not.

Score: 7038

A cat walks into a bar. The bartender says, "what'll you have?"
The cat says, "A shot of rum."
The bartender pours the cat his drink.
The cat slowly pushes the shot off the table.
"Another."

Score: 5284

Where would you park your camel? The Camelot.

PS Booze helped with this and now I'm laughing alone in my apartment

Edit: Went to class, came back, saw this. Me and my cat are thoroughly pleased.

Score: 2059

My kids were hungry so I made them burgers from scratch. They got really upset and started to cry.

Scratch is a stupid name for a cat anyway..

Score: 1444

I went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov's dog and Shrodinger's Cat The librarian said "That rings a bell but I don't know if it's here or not."

Score: 1157

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

Score: 1076

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.

I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.

Score: 1010

What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

Score: 896

Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree He's wanted dead and alive

Score: 878

They found a cat on mars... A live cat was found roaming the surface of Mars. Scientists planned to have the Mars Rover capture the animal to study it but unfortunately while attempting to capture the feline, Curiosity killed the cat.

Score: 819

What's the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws, the other has a pause at the end of its clause.

Score: 554

What's the difference between a cat and a comma? One has its claws at the end of its paws, and one is a pause at the end of a clause.

Score: 520

What's the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws, the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

Score: 509

I just gave my cat some 7UP. Now he's got 16 lives.

Score: 488

What do you call a boy cat sleeping on a bed? Himalayan.

*Be gentle. First post on here.

Score: 381

*A joke my son told me* - What do you call it when a cat wins a dog show? A Cat-Has-Trophey!

Score: 354

Whats the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and one is a pause at the end of a clause.

Score: 285

This hating of people that breastfeed in public really has to stop. I can raise my cat any way I want.

Score: 271

What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other is a pause and the end of a clause.

Score: 245

My wife is leaving me because of my mental illness. At least thats what the cat told me.

Score: 234

My wife asked me "Is it just me or is the cat getting fat?" Apparently "No it's just you" wasn't the right answer.

Score: 222

My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat unexpectedly had 9 kittens, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and throw them in the river… I did it but it broke my heart.

I quite liked her dad…

Score: 194

Asked a librarian for that book on Schrodinger's cat and Pavlov's dogs today. Said it rang a bell but she didn't know if it was there or not

Score: 185

A cat gives birth in a public park... ...and is fined $50 for littering.

Score: 182

What is the difference between a Comma and a Cat? A comma is a pause at end of clause and a cat has claws at the end of its paws.

Edit: Disappointment

Score: 180

I named my overweight cat Kelvin Because he is an absolute unit.

Score: 166

What is the difference between a cat and a complex sentence? A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.

Score: 158

Schrodinger gets pulled over by the cops and they do a search of his car. Cop: Did you know you have a dead cat in your trunk?

Schrodinger: I do now.

Score: 152

I lost my cat If found, please return him, dead and alive.

Thanks,

Sincerely,
Erwin Shrodinger.

Score: 152

I went to a library and asked for a book on pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat The librarian said,"That rings a bell, but I'm not sure whether it is here or not."

Score: 137

What's the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of paws and the other has a pause at the end of clause

Score: 136

What's the difference between a cat and a comma? A cat has claws at the end of its paws, while a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

Score: 127

What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence? A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.

Score: 110

2 cats are racing across the English Channel, an English cat named "123" and a French cat named "Un deux trois." Which cat won the race?

A: The English cat. Un deux trois cat sank.

Score: 109

My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat had 9 kittens, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and dump them in the river. I did it, but it broke my heart. I quite liked her dad.

Score: 107

They say curiosity killed the cat, but what I want to know is how the cat got to Mars in the first place

Score: 106

What do you get when you cross a cat and an octopus? A strong reprimand from the ethics committee and immediate recission of all funding.

Score: 104

Yesterday, I got so depressed.. ..I spent entire day listening to Celine Dion records.
.
.
Or that's what I thought until I realised my cat had fallen in to the dryer.

Score: 101

What's 3/7 chicken, 2/3 cat and 1/2 goat? Chicago

Score: 98

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New Cat Jokes

iPhones map app has major problems iPhone map app has a major problem. The voice directed me to "turn left then bear right" .... but it was really just a cat sitting there.

Score: 10

What do you call something thats has two legs and bleeds? Half a cat

Score: 4

What do you call a cat you get for Christmas? Santa Claws

Score: 4

A big cat escaped from its enclosure at the zoo yesterday. Almost made me puma pants.

Score: 4

Scrodinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.

Score: 30

An Englishman named "One-two-three" and a Frenchman named "Un-deux-trios" challenged each other to see whose cat could swim across the Channel first... After a grueling competition, One-two-three won after Un-deux-trois quatre cinq.

Score: 6

So I decided to name my cat sox. to be fair I started with two cats but lost one in the wash.

Score: 4

A cat scratches at the gate to heaven to get in. St Peter opens the door. He looks down at the cat and snarls “Egh, what is it now, in or out?!”

Score: 69

My mum was upset when I put ginger in the pasta last night I guess she liked that cat

Score: 44

Did you know there used to be a cat on Mars? Yeah, till Curiosity killed it.

Score: 15

I think my cat has chronic pain.... He keeps saying “me ow”

Score: 4

Why did the cat get divorced? Because he was a cheetah!

Score: 4

I just bought a pet cat and named it Sam. My friend asked me what Sam is short for.

I said, "Because he's a cat, you dumbass."

Score: 3

How does a cat laugh La meow

Score: 4

I was in bed at 10 PM asking my roommate to please be quiet with the stroking and to be a little slower. He said, “okay, I’ll be more gentle with the cat in the future.”

Score: 4

There are two cats crossing a river. The first cat's name is "One two three" and the other's name is "un deux trois".

Which one made it across?

One two three, because the Un Deux Trois cat sank.

Score: 4

Terrible Joke What happens when you give a cat a sickle and hammer?

Not much, they just say:
“Mao”

Score: 3

What do you call a Russian cat that interrupts a movie? A blue-purr.

Curtesy of my 9 year old joke writer.

Score: 18

I had a cat named schrodinger that ran away... I have no idea if he is alive or dead.

Score: 4

A schrondinger's cat walks into a bar and it doesn't ...

~Brian marlow

Score: 4

What type of trophy do you get when you’ve seen a traumatic amount of cat asses in your life? A catastrophe

Score: 15

How many lives does a cat have left after it loses its ninth life? Nein lifes

Score: 12

I recently enrolled my cat for beautiful butt competition We won.

But everyone thinks it was a catastrophe!

Score: 6

Cat puns really freak meowt I am not Kitten.

Score: 6

Did you hear about the dog who tried to dress up as a cat but got sick at a Halloween costume party? He said he wasn't feline well.

Score: 4

What do Schrodinger's cat and Kim Jong-un have in common? They're both alive and dead until you see them!

Score: 18

I told my daughter an interesting cat fact. If you drop any cat it will fall at 32-feet per second squared. She immediately replied, "That's a rumor started by dogs."

Score: 3

Kim Jong Un is currently.. The Shrodingers cat of dictators.

Score: 26

What supercar does a cat drive A Furr-ari!

Score: 4

Two cats tried to cross the river. One cat was named 'One Two Three', the other cat was named 'Un Deux Trois'. Which cat made it across? 'One Two Three' because 'Un Deux Trois' Quatre Cinq .



It's a pronunciation thing.

Score: 5

Where does a dead cat go? Purr-gatory.

Score: 5

Cats and girls A cat chasing lasers is like me chasing girls.
I never get em.

Score: 4

A wizard turned my cat into a pile of Indian spice! Oh lawd, he cumin!

Score: 4

What’s the difference between a regular cat and a Minecraft cat? you’re allowed to move when a Minecraft cat sits on your chest.

Score: 4

What is the cat equivalent of a Karen? Carol Baskin

Score: 10

I was upset that my mom had sewn patches onto her sweater Patches was a great cat

Score: 7

What's worse than two cats in a box? One cat in two boxes.

Score: 4

What does an injured cat always say? "Me, ow!"

Score: 4

What did the cat say when he went back in time and ran into his former self? You have got to be kitten me.

Score: 7

I'm beginning to suspect my cat is secretly a Chinese communist. All she ever talks about is Mao.

Score: 6

The Australian turns to the cat and asked him, “do you have trouble with poo sticking to your fur?” The cat said no. So the Australian picked up the cat and wiped his bum with him.

Score: 9

I think my cat might be a communist! He keeps calling out for the Chinese leader, just, "Mao" "Mao" "Mao" over and over again!

Score: 5

My wife was sick to the stomach when I told her I put ginger in the curry She really loved that cat

Score: 11

Where did the cat go after losing its tail? to the retail store.

Score: 6

My cat passed away two months ago but to this day I still avoid to step over her spot in the kitchen.

Don't you think it's time to bury her?

Score: 5

What would your cat say if it had its own cellphone? Can you hear meow?

Score: 3

What do you call a cat copying off of another cat? .....a cheetah!

Score: 9

My neighbor speaks to her cat as if it could understand her. I told my dog and we both had a laugh about it

Score: 9

What do you get when you cross a cat and a scientist? Nobody knows, we haven't opened the box yet.

Score: 5

My cat some how got on the roof yesterday. He was too heavy and caused 1/4 of it to fall down. Oof.

Then he fell down perfectly onto the couch, causing 1/5 of it to collapse.

Ouch.

Score: 6

Two cats tried to cross a river There were 2 cats
The first cat name was One Two Three and the other Un Deux Trois.

They both tried to cross a river, but only One Two Three made it. Why?






Cuz Un Deux Trois Cat Sank.

Score: 5

Why was the Cat arrested? He committed a feline-y.

Score: 6

Wanna hear a great cat joke? Just kitten. I don't have one.

Score: 27

My neighbor speaks to her cat as if it could understand her. I told my dog and we both had a laugh over it.

Score: 22

What happened to the cat that ate a ball of wool? She had mittens!

Score: 4

What has two legs and is gushing blood? Half a cat

Score: 10

I've named my car Curiosity That way I'm not lying when I say Curiosity killed our cat

Score: 12

Help my cat is a Chinese communist! It keeps talking about Mao

Score: 5

Cat puns really freak meowt. I’m not kitten.

Score: 23

(As told by a 10 year old) A white cat goes fishing in the sea and falls in. He’s struggling to stay afloat until a red cat jumps in to save him. What’s the first thing red cat says to white cat? Meow.

Score: 10

What do you call a cat with a sports car? A furr-ari...

Score: 6

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