My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!" I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."
Bullets are quite weird... They only do their jobs after they are fired
My wife left a note on the fridge saying, "This isn't working, goodbye." I opened the refrigerator and it works just fine. Weird.
English is weird..
It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
Edit: R.I.P My inbox
I try to teach my mom something new everyday.
Because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes.
Edit: Apparently a lot of you are all teaching my mother new things too. Weird.
English can be weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.
My wife: You didn't hear a word I said, did you? Me: That's a weird way to start a conversation.
My wife is weird... She begins every conversation with "Were you even listening to me?"
My girlfriend is weird, she always starts conversations with, "Are you even listening to me!" Thanks, I'll be here all week.
Kids are like farts... I hate everyone elses but for some weird reason I like my own.
My wife is weird... She starts every conversation with "Are you listening to me?"
English is Weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
I told my friend that he really shouldn't be using a straw and he replied, "Yeah, I know, I know, it's bad for the environment." I said, "Sure, there's that..." "But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."
I before E Except when you run a weird heist on a feisty foreign overweight neighbor wearing beige.
Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of time You see, it used to get cold outside
My girlfriend screamed at me today. "You weren't even listening to me just now, were you?" I thought, man, what a weird way to start a conversation.
I asked a German girl for her number today. Apparently it is 999-999-9999. Weird right?
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club Which was weird, because I'd never met herbivore.
Every family has that weird, slightly perverted uncle. Not me, though! I just have some really hot nieces who won't let me buy them beer.
So I woke up this morning to my dishwasher making a weird sound.. Turns out she was just vacuuming.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day Give a woman a fish and you're 'that weird fish guy.'
My wife just screamed at me, “You haven’t been listening to a single word I’ve said!” What a weird way to start a conversation
My wife and I were discussing people owning weird animals... and she said, "I've always wanted to get a manatee." I said, "That's very kind of you. I will take it with two sugars."
I was rated "number 1 most likely to not murder you in a cabin in a forest" in highschool. I know, kind of a weird thing to be rated for but you won't find someone who disagrees.
Just pooped my pants. Which is weird, because I don't even remember eating them.
My girlfriend shouted at me, “ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?!” Which I, personally, thought was a very weird and rude way to start a conversation!
My wife screamed at me: “You really haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said to you, have you?” What a weird way to start a conversation!
Complementing a mustache should be a good thing
I don't know why she took it as an insult.
Edit: *compliment. I knew something seemed weird
Has anyone played that weird Mexican carnival game where groundhogs pop out of holes and you have to smear them with avocado? I really suck at Guac-a-mole.
I've never shot a gun because that would be a weird target
I have this weird compulsion to stare at seaweed I desperately need to see kelp
I came into a lot of money today, which is weird. I usually use tissues.
My girlfriend just yelled at me saying, "You weren't even listening, were you?" I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though the wife thinks it's weird.... I don't see why, I think it makes a great hat!
I have this weird ability of guessing what is inside a wrapped present. You can say ....it’s a gift.
My wife yelled at me today, saying, "You were not even listening now, were you!?" What a weird way of starting a conversation!!
My mom says I look just like my father. It's weird that she thinks that, because everyone else says I look like Steve the mailman.
A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband...
Wife: My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!
Psychiatrist: Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.
I lost 100 pounds with this one weird trick! Exercise
Brazil owns 65% of the Amazona rainforest
Sorry, I meant 60%
Edit4: Weird, Brazil doesn't even have a rainforest
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges dinner plates by the year she bought them. It’s an extremely rare dish order.
I spoke to a Danish friend today I told him I wanted to buy his house. But he didn’t agree. Weird guy. Won’t be visiting him any time soon.
I remember my first crush. Dora the Explorer. That was a weird sophomore year.
My boyfriend locks the door to the room and stays up playing Minecraft all night and its weird
He says things like "oh yeah, deeper, deeper." And "oh, it's gonna blow!"
I mean, I like digging and hate creepers too but sheesh.
my tinder date told me that I shouldn't be using a straw
I quickly respond "I know, I know. It's bad for the environment."
"No," she replied, "it's just a weird way to eat spaghetti."
Watching this weird High School Musical sequel on Netflix Zac Efron becomes a serial killer.
That weird middle eastern guy insisted on giving me a ride home Iran
Ariana Grande would look so weird if she had no space in between her torso and head. Thankyou necks
This new dating site is amazing! Roblox is a weird name for it though.
Our local barber just got arrested today Apparently he's a drug dealer, which is really weird because I've been his client for 7 years and never knew he was a barber.
Just one, but be careful, or this could get weird How many time travelers does it take to change a light bulb?
I recently got harassed by some crazy men They tried to lure me into their weird pyramid scheme by calling me son. Turns out they were clergymen
So I decided to head to the library and hit the books for an upcoming exam I have. But people started giving me weird looks while I was there. I just ignored them though. These books will pay for what they did.
Are you the guy who denies bragging about weird stuff? Nope, I'm the guy who uses more hand sanitizer than anyone in New York City.
The weird thing about the game Monopoly Is that only one company can make it.
There was this really hot guy on the beach when I was in Mexico, so I brought him some Jewish bread.
He gave me a weird look, subsequently turned me down...and I don't understand *why.*
*I just wanted to challah at a Playa.*
I was named after my father... It would have been weird if I was named before him.
My son's teacher keeps sending these weird looking documents I better have a word with him, but he might be a PDF file
It's weird it hurts when you accidentally bite on your tongue but when you do it on purpose it doesn't hurt It's also weird your biting on your tongue now
You know those weird cat-dog things in Undertale?... I could never understand tem
I went to the store today to buy some coconuts. And a pack of gum, so it wouldn't be weird.
I walked up to a woman feeding ducks in the park and said, "Excuse me, but isn't that a bit weird?"
"No, why would it be?" she replied.
"Because normal people use bread, not breast milk."
My wife said I should get high heels for her birthday. I'm getting some weird looks as I walk down the street.
I'm so jealous of Martin Luther King Jr. Nobody ever wants to hear stories about my weird dreams
My wife yelled at me today "You weren't even listening to me just now!" I thought "what a weird way to start a new conversation..."
It's weird that they call it a baby shower. A more accurate name would be a supplies party.
My phone started to act weird when I researched buying a new phone. It became a Paranoid Android.
The weather forecaster this morning said that vision might be impaired by fog. I agree with him, but that's a weird way to spell "Whiskey".
I just don't understand puns about furnitures! I haven't done it sofa, it's just weird.
My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening to me just now, were you!?" I thought, "Wow, what a weird way to start a conversation."
You do the hokey-pokey.. The man who invented the hokey-pokey died today. It was a weird funeral. First, they put his left leg in.......
Women are like coffee Tastes weird to start, but you get used to it
If I had a dollar every time someone over 40 criticized my generation I'd be making money in a very weird way.
What's the difference between a cold nose and that weird white kid in your class? One's a cool hooter, the other is a school shooter
Girl: You weren't even listening just now were you?! Guy Thinking: "Hmm, that's a weird way to start a conversation."
Every time my significant other asks me why people act weird when they hear we are high school sweethearts... I tell her I have no idea. What... just because I'm her AP Bio teacher I'm supposed to know everything?
Its weird how Ireland is just one sea away from Iceland
I was always told "i before e except after c" It sounds weird but I guess it's just science
My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You didn't even listen to what I just said, did you?" I thought, man, that's a weird way to beat a dead horse.
I helped my uncle Jack off the horse. Man was that weird...
Bakers have a weird way of trading bread recipes. Its done on a knead to know basis. Gotta get the dough somehow
My phone has a weird bug The contacts in my phone don't return my calls
There's this weird guy that keeps massaging people in my school I don't know why but he rubs me the wrong way.
My friend has a weird quirk: he gets explosive diarrhea and just can't contain himself when he sees a certain soccer player... And boy, it's Messi.
I'm glad I got to see Leonard Cohen before he died... It would have been really weird if I'd seen him after.
A black man walked into my store today and bought polyester pants. Which is weird, since they usually pick cotton.
Did you hear about the weird physicist? He's a lovely guy but he's got some strange quarks.
What would happen, if IT technic became a doctor?
Patient: I can't bend my knee.
Doctor: [*bends his knee*] Weird, works fine for me.
I finally convinced mom to watch anime to prove it's not childish and immature at all. But it's weird to watch hentai with your parents.
It's always I before E Except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbor.
I Work At Sears And Some Black Guys Came In Asking For Polyester Pants It's weird because they usually pick cotton.
A teacher asked me why my daughter's name was so weird...
She asked why I had spelled it like E.M.M.A instead of just Emma, and I said that it describes the phrase that I told people when I let them know my SO was pregnant,
"Everyone. Makes. Mistakes. Alright?"
I found some good cookie recipes with weed the other day. Then I was like, "That's a weird place to keep cookie recipes".
A girl told me she liked teasing
So we went into the bedroom and I told her that she had a weird, misshapen nose and she suddenly started crying.
Women and their mixed messages.
Not knowing that it's called "baby corn" isn't a big deal... ...but everyone looked at me REALLY weird when I said "oooh, I LOVE child corn" in a crowded restaurant.
Penn State has missed two extra points today which is weird because they are usually pretty consistent about doing the little things.
Who is this Rorschach Inkblot guy? And why does he make so many weird paintings of my parents fighting..
So, the other night I picked up a prostitute...
... And I began to pork her for several hours. I could tell she was really enjoying it, she made all sorts of weird noises.
I must have been going through puberty,
Because I made that hormone.
I made a dream diary too keep track of my weird dreams Too bad the pages are all stuck together