I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth today Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!" I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."
I have a weird fetish for figuring things out. I just came to this realization.
My wife: You didn't hear a word I said, did you? Me: That's a weird way to start a conversation.
Kids are like farts... I hate everyone elses but for some weird reason I like my own.
I told my friend that he really shouldn't be using a straw and he replied, "Yeah, I know, I know, it's bad for the environment." I said, "Sure, there's that..." "But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."
I before E Except when you run a weird heist on a feisty foreign overweight neighbor wearing beige.
My girlfriend screamed at me today. "You weren't even listening to me just now, were you?" I thought, man, what a weird way to start a conversation.
I asked a German girl for her number today. Apparently it is 999-999-9999. Weird right?
I've been stuck in Rome for a few weeks now... I'm trying to leave, but all the roads have this weird design flaw...
So I woke up this morning to my dishwasher making a weird sound.. Turns out she was just vacuuming.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day Give a woman a fish and you're 'that weird fish guy.'
My wife just screamed at me, “You haven’t been listening to a single word I’ve said!” What a weird way to start a conversation
My boss said to me, “I find it weird that you are sick only during the weekdays.” I said, “It’s my weekend immune system.”
My wife and I were discussing people owning weird animals... and she said, "I've always wanted to get a manatee." I said, "That's very kind of you. I will take it with two sugars."
I was rated "number 1 most likely to not murder you in a cabin in a forest" in highschool. I know, kind of a weird thing to be rated for but you won't find someone who disagrees.
My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!" What a weird way to start a conversation
My girlfriend shouted at me, “ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?!” Which I, personally, thought was a very weird and rude way to start a conversation!
My ex just donated her eggs and got $3,000! WTF? I donated sperm and all I got was a weird look from the Salvation Army Santa.
My wife screamed at me: “You really haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said to you, have you?” What a weird way to start a conversation!
I really wanted to share a link to Weird Al's 1984 Michael Jackson parody today but I realized That I can't have my Cake Day and Eat It, too.
I watched a really weird porno the other day. It was just a fat white man sitting in a darkened room, crying and wanking at the same time for an hour. Then I realised the TV wasn't switched on yet.
Complementing a mustache should be a good thing
I don't know why she took it as an insult.
Edit: *compliment. I knew something seemed weird
I hate when my wife asks if I'm listening to her It's such a weird way to start a conversation.
Has anyone played that weird Mexican carnival game where groundhogs pop out of holes and you have to smear them with avocado? I really suck at Guac-a-mole.
What a weird day! First I found a hat full of money. Then I was followed around by some guy with a guitar.
I have these weird muscle spasms in my gluteus maximus,
I figured out from my doctor that everything was alright:
They said "Weird flex, butt okay."
Find out this one weird trick fishermen use. Click bait.
I've never shot a gun because that would be a weird target
"What's your favourite Pixar film?", my dad asked
I replied, "Up, yours?"
My dad gave me a weird look and said, "No need to be like that, I was only asking."
I have this weird compulsion to stare at seaweed I desperately need to see kelp
My wife is so weird She starts every conversation with *"were you even listening to me? "*
My dad asked me the other day: "Are you even listening to me?" Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.
What do we want? CLICKBAIT!
When do we want it? The answer will shock you...
Edit: There was this one weird typo that doctors don't want you to know about.
I got a pay rise in my job.
At the end of the day, I went to the pub and bought a drink for everyone there.
I like to be generous, even if they did feel a bit weird sharing the same pint.
My girlfriend just yelled at me saying, "You weren't even listening, were you?" I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."
Today was a weird day First I found a hat full of money, and then a man with gitar followed me the rest of the day
A person asked me, "Are you the guy who always brags about weird stuff?" I replied "No, I'm the guy who takes the longest baths in the city".
My wife: "You weren't listening at all just now, were you?" Me: "Wow, that's a weird way to start a conversation."
Me and my wife decided to form a suicide pact... Weird thing was that after she killed herself, I didn't feel like dying anymore.
Imagine you are put into a room completely naked full of weird creatures that look nothing like you and all they want to do is touch you. That my friend is the life of a dog.
One time I ate a bar of deodorant. Nothing weird happened except I got a weird *accent*.
It’s weird that the rhinos are dying out Because they’re so horny
A group of horses was making fun of a miniature horse who sounded weird because he had a sore throat. One of the horses felt bad for the little guy, and said to his friends, "Leave him alone, he's just a little hoarse."
The people you meet as a firefighter are really weird sometimes. I met this woman today who kept demanding I shave her baby.
Trees are kinda weird They just nut on the ground and sometime later their child pops up
I visited a strange, small shop on my trip to Egypt... They had some really weird goods for sale. Honestly, the whole thing was just a little bazaar.
What do you call a weird physicist? Quarky!
My wife said: "You aren't listening to me are you?" And I thought, "That's a weird way to start a conversation."
There are two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Oh and weird concurrency bugs.
Oh and weird concurrency bugs.
Justin Timberlake seems to have a weird obsession with some river in Crimea
Timezones are so weird like, it’s june 1 in Australia, May 31 in Canada and still 1920 in America
The blitzkrieg tactics feel weird Idk, it just hits different
After the latest experiment at the LHC, the scientist were quite puzzled. Every sensor readout showed weird things, like coconuts, or hula girls. Ultimately, they had to conclude that they just managed to create exotic matter.
My friend is called Mutepaul. It's a weird name. It's pronounced "paul"... ...because the mute is silent.
Karma is a weird name...
They should rename "karma" to "creddit"
They should also rename the "share" button to "spreaddit"
They should then also rename the "delete" button to "shreddit"
But they don't, and I don't geddit
I was watching a really weird porno yesterday, it was a fat man wanking and crying.. Then i realised i hadn't switched the tv on...
Today I saw a really weird car in the shape of an S, but it was moving quite slowly, almost at a snail's pace I said "Look at that escargot!!"
I asked my pregnant librarian when her baby is due She looked at me weird and said, “the baby is mine, I get to keep it.”
It’s weird going to the grocery store now a days. You can never tell who is gonna rob the place.
I showed a video of strobe lights to my friend He’s now doing this weird whole body dance, and he’s not stopping... what a weirdo
how 30,000 somalians died in a match?
After a tackle the referee took out a yellow card, they thought it was a cracker.
Ps: I translated it from my dialect it may sound weird or offensive .
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges all the dinner plates by the year they were bought. It’s an extremely unusual dish order.
I had this weird dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram... I was like 0mg!
Dishwashers are like that one weird friend If you don't have one, it's you.
Due to COVID-19 a grocery store started paying its employees in vegetables It was a weird celery
I told my wife her toe looks weird She said “That’s a little callous”
Best dad joke ever.
Son : Dad, why was I named after you?
Dad : Because it would have been weird if you were named before me.
Glass tastes really weird Not sure why, but it tastes a lot like blood
2020 is a weird year 5 years ago i entered a bank in a mask and i got forced to quarantine for years, today i got praised for it.. weird times to be alive
My friend always sprays spittle when he’s bragging Weird flecks but ok
I really like this group... But does anyone else find it weird that we have to send weekly nudes to the administrators?
Sometimes, while I’m jerking off, I wonder if there really is a god who watches our every move. I know, it’s a weird fetish.
I’m watching this weird porno with my aunt
It’s called The Nun.
I found this way too funny.
Wanna know the weird thing about dead babies? They’re still born
My dad asked me if I was even listening to what he was saying. That's one weird way to start a conversation.
Still a weird time to be a Ventriloquist
My wife has COVID-19 I am so lucky, we're living in the same appartment and I didn't catch it. Unfortunately, my best friend caught it which is weird since we haven't seen him for a couple of weeks.
You know times are weird when Things that you wipe your aas with are the most priced possessions
When I was younger everyone called me weird because I didn't have a gag reflex. Now they just call me
My date told me I shouldn't be using a straw...
Me: I know, I know. It's bad for the environment.
Them: No, it's just a really weird way to eat spaghetti...
Is it weird that I have a trashcan in my car? My friend just looked at it and said that most people just call it a "back seat"
what is a weird thing to ask a normal person but is ok to ask an astronaut? Do you spit or swallow?
My dog was walking a little weird but then I realised... He had two left feet.
My girlfriend told me I sound kind of weird when I refer to her parents as father and mother
She told me it's best to shorten it to sound more young and modern
Her parents didn't take it well when I said "Good morning, Fat and Moth"
It’s weird they named Virginia after the Queen’s virginity... That would be like naming Jamestown Prematureejaculationville.
Me: I know this sounds weird but I’m attracted to thicc zombies... Therapist: deadass?
America is weird
First they decided to get rid of all monarchs,
Then they start using the imperial system.
Seriously guys, search up the definition of irony.
I walked into the doctor's office the other day.
He told me to sit down; I obliged.
He then told me to pick a star sign, any star sign, which was slightly weird but I obliged.
"Capricorn!" I exclaimed until he quickly responded with:
"Nah you have cancer!"
For my birthday, my wife made a cake with our daughter. Sometimes it's weird to be a family of cannibals.
So I finally saw this "Joker" movie everyone's been telling me to check out... What did I think of it? Weird Flecks but OK
Someone told me the nicest thing today! They said "you have a big heart" Which is weird because my doctor usually gives me BAD news.
Mom discovers one weird trick to have more money. Capitalists hate her! She stopped breaking stuff when she's angry.
How did the author of harry potter go down the hill?
Dont know if this has been posted here but it made eveyone look at me weird on the lrt.
I really like this subreddit, but Does anyone else think it's weird that we have to send weekly nudes to the moderators ?
My watch broke, sounds weird now Doesn't tick
How does a Jew make his tea? Hebrews it. The formatting is weird but you have got to admit it israeli good.
I’ve been stuck trying to leave Rome for weeks! But all the roads have this weird design flaw.
I don’t think I could ever do cocaine I just think it smells weird
My friend wanted to take me to his basement to show off his collection of obscure films Weird flicks but okay.
Why did that weird guy squeak? Because he is miceterious.