Weird Jokes


Funniest Weird Jokes

My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!" I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

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Funny Weird Jokes
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Bullets are quite weird... They only do their jobs after they are fired

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My wife left a note on the fridge saying, "This isn't working, goodbye." I opened the refrigerator and it works just fine. Weird.

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English is weird.. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

Edit: R.I.P My inbox

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I try to teach my mom something new everyday. Because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes.

Edit: Apparently a lot of you are all teaching my mother new things too. Weird.

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English can be weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.

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My wife: You didn't hear a word I said, did you? Me: That's a weird way to start a conversation.

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My wife is weird... She begins every conversation with "Were you even listening to me?"

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My girlfriend is weird, she always starts conversations with, "Are you even listening to me!" Thanks, I'll be here all week.

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Kids are like farts... I hate everyone elses but for some weird reason I like my own.

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My wife is weird... She starts every conversation with "Are you listening to me?"

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English is Weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

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I told my friend that he really shouldn't be using a straw and he replied, "Yeah, I know, I know, it's bad for the environment." I said, "Sure, there's that..." "But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."

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I before E Except when you run a weird heist on a feisty foreign overweight neighbor wearing beige.

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Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of time You see, it used to get cold outside

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My girlfriend screamed at me today. "You weren't even listening to me just now, were you?" I thought, man, what a weird way to start a conversation.

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I asked a German girl for her number today. Apparently it is 999-999-9999. Weird right?

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This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club Which was weird, because I'd never met herbivore.

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Every family has that weird, slightly perverted uncle. Not me, though! I just have some really hot nieces who won't let me buy them beer.

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So I woke up this morning to my dishwasher making a weird sound.. Turns out she was just vacuuming.

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Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day Give a woman a fish and you're 'that weird fish guy.'

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My wife just screamed at me, “You haven’t been listening to a single word I’ve said!” What a weird way to start a conversation

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My wife and I were discussing people owning weird animals... and she said, "I've always wanted to get a manatee." I said, "That's very kind of you. I will take it with two sugars."

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I was rated "number 1 most likely to not murder you in a cabin in a forest" in highschool. I know, kind of a weird thing to be rated for but you won't find someone who disagrees.

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Just pooped my pants. Which is weird, because I don't even remember eating them.

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My girlfriend shouted at me, “ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?!” Which I, personally, thought was a very weird and rude way to start a conversation!

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My wife screamed at me: “You really haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said to you, have you?” What a weird way to start a conversation!

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Complementing a mustache should be a good thing I don't know why she took it as an insult.

Edit: *compliment. I knew something seemed weird

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Has anyone played that weird Mexican carnival game where groundhogs pop out of holes and you have to smear them with avocado? I really suck at Guac-a-mole.

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I've never shot a gun because that would be a weird target

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I have this weird compulsion to stare at seaweed I desperately need to see kelp

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I came into a lot of money today, which is weird. I usually use tissues.

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My girlfriend just yelled at me saying, "You weren't even listening, were you?" I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

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I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though the wife thinks it's weird.... I don't see why, I think it makes a great hat!

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I have this weird ability of guessing what is inside a wrapped present. You can say’s a gift.

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My wife yelled at me today, saying, "You were not even listening now, were you!?" What a weird way of starting a conversation!!

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My mom says I look just like my father. It's weird that she thinks that, because everyone else says I look like Steve the mailman.

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A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband... Wife: My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!

Psychiatrist: Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.

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I lost 100 pounds with this one weird trick! Exercise

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New Weird Jokes

Brazil owns 65% of the Amazona rainforest Sorry, I meant 60%

Edit: 50%

Edit2: 35%

Edit3: 10%

Edit4: Weird, Brazil doesn't even have a rainforest

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My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges dinner plates by the year she bought them. It’s an extremely rare dish order.

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I spoke to a Danish friend today I told him I wanted to buy his house. But he didn’t agree. Weird guy. Won’t be visiting him any time soon.

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I remember my first crush. Dora the Explorer. That was a weird sophomore year.

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My boyfriend locks the door to the room and stays up playing Minecraft all night and its weird He says things like "oh yeah, deeper, deeper." And "oh, it's gonna blow!"

I mean, I like digging and hate creepers too but sheesh.

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my tinder date told me that I shouldn't be using a straw I quickly respond "I know, I know. It's bad for the environment."

"No," she replied, "it's just a weird way to eat spaghetti."

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Watching this weird High School Musical sequel on Netflix Zac Efron becomes a serial killer.

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That weird middle eastern guy insisted on giving me a ride home Iran

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Ariana Grande would look so weird if she had no space in between her torso and head. Thankyou necks

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This new dating site is amazing! Roblox is a weird name for it though.

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Our local barber just got arrested today Apparently he's a drug dealer, which is really weird because I've been his client for 7 years and never knew he was a barber.

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Just one, but be careful, or this could get weird How many time travelers does it take to change a light bulb?

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I recently got harassed by some crazy men They tried to lure me into their weird pyramid scheme by calling me son. Turns out they were clergymen

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So I decided to head to the library and hit the books for an upcoming exam I have. But people started giving me weird looks while I was there. I just ignored them though. These books will pay for what they did.

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Are you the guy who denies bragging about weird stuff? Nope, I'm the guy who uses more hand sanitizer than anyone in New York City.

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The weird thing about the game Monopoly Is that only one company can make it.

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There was this really hot guy on the beach when I was in Mexico, so I brought him some Jewish bread. He gave me a weird look, subsequently turned me down...and I don't understand *why.*

*I just wanted to challah at a Playa.*

^I'm ^sorry

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I was named after my father... It would have been weird if I was named before him.

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My son's teacher keeps sending these weird looking documents I better have a word with him, but he might be a PDF file

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It's weird it hurts when you accidentally bite on your tongue but when you do it on purpose it doesn't hurt It's also weird your biting on your tongue now

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You know those weird cat-dog things in Undertale?... I could never understand tem

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I went to the store today to buy some coconuts. And a pack of gum, so it wouldn't be weird.

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I walked up to a woman feeding ducks in the park and said, "Excuse me, but isn't that a bit weird?" "No, why would it be?" she replied.

"Because normal people use bread, not breast milk."

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My wife said I should get high heels for her birthday. I'm getting some weird looks as I walk down the street.

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I'm so jealous of Martin Luther King Jr. Nobody ever wants to hear stories about my weird dreams

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My wife yelled at me today "You weren't even listening to me just now!" I thought "what a weird way to start a new conversation..."

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It's weird that they call it a baby shower. A more accurate name would be a supplies party.

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My phone started to act weird when I researched buying a new phone. It became a Paranoid Android.

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The weather forecaster this morning said that vision might be impaired by fog. I agree with him, but that's a weird way to spell "Whiskey".

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I just don't understand puns about furnitures! I haven't​ done it sofa, it's just weird.

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My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening to me just now, were you!?" I thought, "Wow, what a weird way to start a conversation."

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You do the hokey-pokey.. The man who invented the hokey-pokey died today. It was a weird funeral. First, they put his left leg in.......

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Women are like coffee Tastes weird to start, but you get used to it

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If I had a dollar every time someone over 40 criticized my generation I'd be making money in a very weird way.

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What's the difference between a cold nose and that weird white kid in your class? One's a cool hooter, the other is a school shooter

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Girl: You weren't even listening just now were you?! Guy Thinking: "Hmm, that's a weird way to start a conversation."

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Every time my significant other asks me why people act weird when they hear we are high school sweethearts... I tell her I have no idea. What... just because I'm her AP Bio teacher I'm supposed to know everything?

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Its weird how Ireland is just one sea away from Iceland

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I was always told "i before e except after c" It sounds weird but I guess it's just science

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My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You didn't even listen to what I just said, did you?" I thought, man, that's a weird way to beat a dead horse.

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I helped my uncle Jack off the horse. Man was that weird...

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Bakers have a weird way of trading bread recipes. Its done on a knead to know basis. Gotta get the dough somehow

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My phone has a weird bug The contacts in my phone don't return my calls

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There's this weird guy that keeps massaging people in my school I don't know why but he rubs me the wrong way.

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My friend has a weird quirk: he gets explosive diarrhea and just can't contain himself when he sees a certain soccer player... And boy, it's Messi.

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I'm glad I got to see Leonard Cohen before he died... It would have been really weird if I'd seen him after.

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A black man walked into my store today and bought polyester pants. Which is weird, since they usually pick cotton.

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Did you hear about the weird physicist? He's a lovely guy but he's got some strange quarks.

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What would happen, if IT technic became a doctor? Patient: I can't bend my knee.

Doctor: [*bends his knee*] Weird, works fine for me.

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I finally convinced mom to watch anime to prove it's not childish and immature at all. But it's weird to watch hentai with your parents.

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It's always I before E Except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbor.

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I Work At Sears And Some Black Guys Came In Asking For Polyester Pants It's weird because they usually pick cotton.

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A teacher asked me why my daughter's name was so weird... She asked why I had spelled it like E.M.M.A instead of just Emma, and I said that it describes the phrase that I told people when I let them know my SO was pregnant,

"Everyone. Makes. Mistakes. Alright?"

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I found some good cookie recipes with weed the other day. Then I was like, "That's a weird place to keep cookie recipes".

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A girl told me she liked teasing So we went into the bedroom and I told her that she had a weird, misshapen nose and she suddenly started crying.

Women and their mixed messages.

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Not knowing that it's called "baby corn" isn't a big deal... ...but everyone looked at me REALLY weird when I said "oooh, I LOVE child corn" in a crowded restaurant.

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Penn State has missed two extra points today which is weird because they are usually pretty consistent about doing the little things.

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Who is this Rorschach Inkblot guy? And why does he make so many weird paintings of my parents fighting..

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So, the other night I picked up a prostitute... ... And I began to pork her for several hours. I could tell she was really enjoying it, she made all sorts of weird noises.
I must have been going through puberty,
Because I made that hormone.

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I made a dream diary too keep track of my weird dreams Too bad the pages are all stuck together

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