Weird Jokes


Funniest Weird Jokes

My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!" I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

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Funny Weird Jokes
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Bullets are quite weird... They only do their jobs after they are fired

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My wife left a note on the fridge saying, "This isn't working, goodbye." I opened the refrigerator and it works just fine. Weird.

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English is weird.. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

Edit: R.I.P My inbox

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I try to teach my mom something new everyday. Because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes.

Edit: Apparently a lot of you are all teaching my mother new things too. Weird.

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English can be weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.

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My wife: You didn't hear a word I said, did you? Me: That's a weird way to start a conversation.

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My wife is weird... She begins every conversation with "Were you even listening to me?"

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My girlfriend is weird, she always starts conversations with, "Are you even listening to me!" Thanks, I'll be here all week.

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Kids are like farts... I hate everyone elses but for some weird reason I like my own.

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My wife is weird... She starts every conversation with "Are you listening to me?"

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English is Weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

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I told my friend that he really shouldn't be using a straw and he replied, "Yeah, I know, I know, it's bad for the environment." I said, "Sure, there's that..." "But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."

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I before E Except when you run a weird heist on a feisty foreign overweight neighbor wearing beige.

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Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of time You see, it used to get cold outside

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My girlfriend screamed at me today. "You weren't even listening to me just now, were you?" I thought, man, what a weird way to start a conversation.

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I asked a German girl for her number today. Apparently it is 999-999-9999. Weird right?

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This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club Which was weird, because I'd never met herbivore.

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Every family has that weird, slightly perverted uncle. Not me, though! I just have some really hot nieces who won't let me buy them beer.

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So I woke up this morning to my dishwasher making a weird sound.. Turns out she was just vacuuming.

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Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day Give a woman a fish and you're 'that weird fish guy.'

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My wife just screamed at me, “You haven’t been listening to a single word I’ve said!” What a weird way to start a conversation

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My wife and I were discussing people owning weird animals... and she said, "I've always wanted to get a manatee." I said, "That's very kind of you. I will take it with two sugars."

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I was rated "number 1 most likely to not murder you in a cabin in a forest" in highschool. I know, kind of a weird thing to be rated for but you won't find someone who disagrees.

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Just pooped my pants. Which is weird, because I don't even remember eating them.

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My girlfriend shouted at me, “ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?!” Which I, personally, thought was a very weird and rude way to start a conversation!

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My wife screamed at me: “You really haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said to you, have you?” What a weird way to start a conversation!

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Complementing a mustache should be a good thing I don't know why she took it as an insult.

Edit: *compliment. I knew something seemed weird

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Has anyone played that weird Mexican carnival game where groundhogs pop out of holes and you have to smear them with avocado? I really suck at Guac-a-mole.

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I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though the wife thinks it's weird.... I don't see why, I think it makes a great hat!

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I have this weird ability of guessing what is inside a wrapped present. You can say’s a gift.

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I lost 100 pounds with this one weird trick! Exercise

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My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges dinner plates by the year she bought them. It’s an extremely rare dish order.

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my tinder date told me that I shouldn't be using a straw I quickly respond "I know, I know. It's bad for the environment."

"No," she replied, "it's just a weird way to eat spaghetti."

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That weird middle eastern guy insisted on giving me a ride home Iran

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So, the other night I picked up a prostitute... ... And I began to pork her for several hours. I could tell she was really enjoying it, she made all sorts of weird noises.
I must have been going through puberty,
Because I made that hormone.

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I made a dream diary too keep track of my weird dreams Too bad the pages are all stuck together

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The weather forecaster this morning said that vision might be impaired by fog. I agree with him, but that's a weird way to spell "Whiskey".

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Watching this weird High School Musical sequel on Netflix Zac Efron becomes a serial killer.

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New Weird Jokes

Omegle is weird. Everyone keeps asking me if I know American Sing Lenguage Like, we're talking over text, I don't need to know ASL

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My mom always complains bout me being weird, so when we went to Disneyland, she told me to "just blend into the crowd." So I covered myself in camouflage clothes and paint and walked around Disneyland.

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Me: I know this sounds weird but I’m attracted to thicc zombies... Therapist: deadass?

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Brazil owns 65% of the Amazona rainforest Sorry, I meant 60%

Edit: 50%

Edit2: 35%

Edit3: 10%

Edit4: Weird, Brazil doesn't even have a rainforest

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I am going through a nasty, unmutual divorce because she didn't love me anymore, and my new girlfriend is a paralegal who is helping me file. There is no punchline. I just can't help but laugh at this weird comedy sketch I've been thrust into.

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Just bought myself a new pair of headphones which have a weird fault. In the left ear it’s saying “chicken and mushroom” and in the other ear it keeps repeating “steak and onion.” That’ll be the last time I buy anything from Pioneer.

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I spoke to a Danish friend today I told him I wanted to buy his house. But he didn’t agree. Weird guy. Won’t be visiting him any time soon.

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I remember my first crush. Dora the Explorer. That was a weird sophomore year.

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My boyfriend locks the door to the room and stays up playing Minecraft all night and its weird He says things like "oh yeah, deeper, deeper." And "oh, it's gonna blow!"

I mean, I like digging and hate creepers too but sheesh.

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Ariana Grande would look so weird if she had no space in between her torso and head. Thankyou necks

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My dishwasher is acting weird Its chopping vegetables too

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My friend Colin had this weird addiction. He'd take heroin whenever people didn't refer to him as a woman. ##

Now he's Coleen.

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This new dating site is amazing! Roblox is a weird name for it though.

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For some reason my girlfriend pretends she's 13 when we are in bed But I tell her that it's weird and pointless since she will be 13 next year

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Our local barber just got arrested today Apparently he's a drug dealer, which is really weird because I've been his client for 7 years and never knew he was a barber.

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You know those weird cat-dog things in Undertale?... I could never understand tem

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Its weird how Ireland is just one sea away from Iceland

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Which is the most weird moment? That 2 second moment between Friday and Monday.


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The Sanders/Cruz debate was really weird It was like peeking into an alternate dimension where both parties had hindsight

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I finally convinced mom to watch anime to prove it's not childish and immature at all. But it's weird to watch hentai with your parents.

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A teacher asked me why my daughter's name was so weird... She asked why I had spelled it like E.M.M.A instead of just Emma, and I said that it describes the phrase that I told people when I let them know my SO was pregnant,

"Everyone. Makes. Mistakes. Alright?"

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A friend of me recieved a lot of weird requests after he made a profile on a dating website. In the "Me in one sentence" category he wanted to express his love for 90s music so he wrote: I'm a scat man!

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Penn State has missed two extra points today which is weird because they are usually pretty consistent about doing the little things.

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Who is this Rorschach Inkblot guy? And why does he make so many weird paintings of my parents fighting..

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