My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!" I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."
Bullets are quite weird... They only do their jobs after they are fired
My wife left a note on the fridge saying, "This isn't working, goodbye." I opened the refrigerator and it works just fine. Weird.
English is weird..
It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
Edit: R.I.P My inbox
I try to teach my mom something new everyday.
Because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes.
Edit: Apparently a lot of you are all teaching my mother new things too. Weird.
English can be weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.
My wife: You didn't hear a word I said, did you? Me: That's a weird way to start a conversation.
My wife is weird... She begins every conversation with "Were you even listening to me?"
My girlfriend is weird, she always starts conversations with, "Are you even listening to me!" Thanks, I'll be here all week.
Kids are like farts... I hate everyone elses but for some weird reason I like my own.
My wife is weird... She starts every conversation with "Are you listening to me?"
English is Weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
I told my friend that he really shouldn't be using a straw and he replied, "Yeah, I know, I know, it's bad for the environment." I said, "Sure, there's that..." "But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."
I before E Except when you run a weird heist on a feisty foreign overweight neighbor wearing beige.
Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of time You see, it used to get cold outside
My girlfriend screamed at me today. "You weren't even listening to me just now, were you?" I thought, man, what a weird way to start a conversation.
I asked a German girl for her number today. Apparently it is 999-999-9999. Weird right?
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club Which was weird, because I'd never met herbivore.
Every family has that weird, slightly perverted uncle. Not me, though! I just have some really hot nieces who won't let me buy them beer.
So I woke up this morning to my dishwasher making a weird sound.. Turns out she was just vacuuming.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day Give a woman a fish and you're 'that weird fish guy.'
My wife just screamed at me, “You haven’t been listening to a single word I’ve said!” What a weird way to start a conversation
My wife and I were discussing people owning weird animals... and she said, "I've always wanted to get a manatee." I said, "That's very kind of you. I will take it with two sugars."
I was rated "number 1 most likely to not murder you in a cabin in a forest" in highschool. I know, kind of a weird thing to be rated for but you won't find someone who disagrees.
Just pooped my pants. Which is weird, because I don't even remember eating them.
My girlfriend shouted at me, “ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?!” Which I, personally, thought was a very weird and rude way to start a conversation!
My wife screamed at me: “You really haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said to you, have you?” What a weird way to start a conversation!
Complementing a mustache should be a good thing
I don't know why she took it as an insult.
Edit: *compliment. I knew something seemed weird
Has anyone played that weird Mexican carnival game where groundhogs pop out of holes and you have to smear them with avocado? I really suck at Guac-a-mole.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though the wife thinks it's weird.... I don't see why, I think it makes a great hat!
I have this weird ability of guessing what is inside a wrapped present. You can say ....it’s a gift.
I lost 100 pounds with this one weird trick! Exercise
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges dinner plates by the year she bought them. It’s an extremely rare dish order.
my tinder date told me that I shouldn't be using a straw
I quickly respond "I know, I know. It's bad for the environment."
"No," she replied, "it's just a weird way to eat spaghetti."
That weird middle eastern guy insisted on giving me a ride home Iran
So, the other night I picked up a prostitute...
... And I began to pork her for several hours. I could tell she was really enjoying it, she made all sorts of weird noises.
I must have been going through puberty,
Because I made that hormone.
I made a dream diary too keep track of my weird dreams Too bad the pages are all stuck together
The weather forecaster this morning said that vision might be impaired by fog. I agree with him, but that's a weird way to spell "Whiskey".
Watching this weird High School Musical sequel on Netflix Zac Efron becomes a serial killer.
Omegle is weird. Everyone keeps asking me if I know American Sing Lenguage Like, we're talking over text, I don't need to know ASL
My mom always complains bout me being weird, so when we went to Disneyland, she told me to "just blend into the crowd." So I covered myself in camouflage clothes and paint and walked around Disneyland.
Me: I know this sounds weird but I’m attracted to thicc zombies... Therapist: deadass?
Brazil owns 65% of the Amazona rainforest
Sorry, I meant 60%
Edit4: Weird, Brazil doesn't even have a rainforest
I am going through a nasty, unmutual divorce because she didn't love me anymore, and my new girlfriend is a paralegal who is helping me file. There is no punchline. I just can't help but laugh at this weird comedy sketch I've been thrust into.
Just bought myself a new pair of headphones which have a weird fault. In the left ear it’s saying “chicken and mushroom” and in the other ear it keeps repeating “steak and onion.” That’ll be the last time I buy anything from Pioneer.
I spoke to a Danish friend today I told him I wanted to buy his house. But he didn’t agree. Weird guy. Won’t be visiting him any time soon.
I remember my first crush. Dora the Explorer. That was a weird sophomore year.
My boyfriend locks the door to the room and stays up playing Minecraft all night and its weird
He says things like "oh yeah, deeper, deeper." And "oh, it's gonna blow!"
I mean, I like digging and hate creepers too but sheesh.
Ariana Grande would look so weird if she had no space in between her torso and head. Thankyou necks
My dishwasher is acting weird Its chopping vegetables too
My friend Colin had this weird addiction. He'd take heroin whenever people didn't refer to him as a woman.
Now he's Coleen.
This new dating site is amazing! Roblox is a weird name for it though.
For some reason my girlfriend pretends she's 13 when we are in bed But I tell her that it's weird and pointless since she will be 13 next year
Our local barber just got arrested today Apparently he's a drug dealer, which is really weird because I've been his client for 7 years and never knew he was a barber.
You know those weird cat-dog things in Undertale?... I could never understand tem
Its weird how Ireland is just one sea away from Iceland
Which is the most weird moment?
That 2 second moment between Friday and Monday.
The Sanders/Cruz debate was really weird It was like peeking into an alternate dimension where both parties had hindsight
I finally convinced mom to watch anime to prove it's not childish and immature at all. But it's weird to watch hentai with your parents.
A teacher asked me why my daughter's name was so weird...
She asked why I had spelled it like E.M.M.A instead of just Emma, and I said that it describes the phrase that I told people when I let them know my SO was pregnant,
"Everyone. Makes. Mistakes. Alright?"
A friend of me recieved a lot of weird requests after he made a profile on a dating website. In the "Me in one sentence" category he wanted to express his love for 90s music so he wrote: I'm a scat man!
Penn State has missed two extra points today which is weird because they are usually pretty consistent about doing the little things.
Who is this Rorschach Inkblot guy? And why does he make so many weird paintings of my parents fighting..