Toilet Jokes

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Funniest Toilet Jokes

Funny Toilet Jokes
Score: 1309

What did people say when the inventor of the Dry Erase Board showed off his new invention. That's Remarkable!

Terrible joke, came to me on the toilet early, but I had to say it. And it's also likely be told in some form before.

Score: 1143

I started calling my toilet the "Jim"... instead of the John.

It sounds much better when I say that I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

Score: 1003

I had a breakthrough today and got in touch with my inner self. That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.

Score: 877

I bought a toilet brush yesterday But I gotta say that I still prefer toilet paper.

Score: 656

The toilet at my local Police Station has been stolen. Cops have nothing to go on

Score: 598

How do you surprise a blind man? Leave the plunger in the toilet

Score: 477

I got in touch with my inner self once... Never buying single ply toilet paper again.

Score: 452

Two reasons I don't drink toilet water. No.1
No.2

Score: 407

My friend started calling the toilet the Jim instead of the John He said it sounds better when he tell people he goes to the Jim everyday.

Score: 396

Today i got in touch with my inner self That's the last time I buy cheap toilet paper

Score: 377

About 14 women asked me out today I was in the wrong toilet

Score: 376

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl when it goes to the toilet? Because the P is silent.

Score: 325

A toilet was stolen from a police station today... It's a pretty serious crime. The police have nothing to go on.

Score: 323

Toilet paper is sort of like the Starship Enterprise it circles Uranus looking for Klingons

Score: 266

What did they find in the toilet in the star ship Enterprise? The captain's log.

Score: 189

Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

Score: 184

How do you watch NASCAR without a TV? You flush a bag of M&M's down the toilet.

Score: 154

People wonder why I call my toilet "the Jim" instead of "the John" I do it so I can say "I go to the Jim first thing every morning"

Score: 152

I was so poor growing up, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper… Now those days are behind me…

Score: 142

I am 24 seconds older than my twin brother... ... whenever I come out of the toilet I start a sentence with "When I was your age...." then proceed telling him the details of my majestic creation.

Score: 139

I bought a toilet brush since I saw one in pretty much everyone's bathroom... but after giving it a try for a week I decided to go back to using toilet paper.

Score: 130

What is the worst thing you can do to a blind man? Leave the plunger in the toilet.

Score: 118

How do you make a blind person scream? Leave the plunger in the toilet.

Score: 117

I really got in touch with my inner self today. I should probably start buying thicker toilet paper.

Score: 111

I decided to rename my toilet from "The John" to "The Jim." I feel much better saying I've been to "The Jim" this morning.

Score: 110

Annoying husband Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife says: I clean the toilet...
Husband says: How does that help?
Wife says: I use your Toothbrush.....

Score: 109

Did you hear about the robbers who broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats? It happened last week and the cops still don't have anything to go on.

Score: 109

I had a breakthrough and got in touch with my inner self. That's the last time I buy single ply toilet paper.

Score: 109

I got in touch with my inner self today. Note to self, never get the 1 ply toilet paper again.

Score: 108

My Grandpa said, " Your generation relies too much on technology. I'm doing you a favor" as he tossed my phone into the toilet. I laughed, and replied "No Grandpa, but yours does," as I unplugged his life support.

Score: 67

I was having dinner at my girlfriend's house for the first time. "Excuse me, I just need the toilet," I said, excusing myself from the table.

"Don't forget to spray the air freshener!" joked the dad.

I said, "No need. Cocaine doesn't smell."

Score: 47

The local police station had their toilet stolen. The cops say they have nothing to go on.

Score: 44

I saw a sign that said disabled toilet No one will help me find the button to enable it.

Score: 43

Instead of calling my toilet "the John", I call it "the Jim" from now on... That way, it sounds better whenever I say: "I go to the Jim every morning."

Score: 43

Someone stole all the toilet seats at the station! Authorities have nothing to go on.

Score: 39

There are 2 reasons I would never drink toilet water. Number 1 and number 2.

Score: 36

Why do you never hear a pterodactyl go to the toilet? Because the p is silent

Score: 34

I just ate a load of scrabble tiles. Now I'm terrified my next trip to the toilet will spell disaster.

Score: 34

Do blind people care if their significant others are hot? (OC?) Do blind people care if their significant others are hot?

Of course they do! They're blind, not necrophiliacs!

(Probably been done before, but I thought of it while on the toilet.)

Score: 31

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New Toilet Jokes

I went to a expensive restaurant last night and I got a meal and a bottle of champagne for free. They do it for everyone who jumps out of the toilet window and runs off.

Score: 6

I thought I'd find my inner self with meditation When all I needed was 1 ply toilet paper.

Score: 5

KFC joke. Why don’t they have toilet paper at KFC?

Because it’s finger liking good!

Score: 5

What happens when your significant other discovers your pee on the toilet seat? Urine trouble.

Score: 5

What’s a roll of toilet paper’s drug of choice? Crack.

Score: 4

Why does KFC not have any toilet paper in their rest rooms? Everything is finger licking good.

Score: 24

I just recently decided to get a toilet brush. Long story short, I'm going back to toilet paper.

Score: 28

Why dont you bother someone who is digging in his toilet? Hes just mining his own business

Score: 5

I'm going to start selling fancy toilet spray I'll call it Chanel No. 2

Score: 8

Why did the toilet paper stop rolling? It got stuck in a crack.

Score: 8

What did the toilet say to the other toilet? You look flushed.

Score: 4

Knock Knock.. Who's there?

One up

One up who?

Then go to the toilet

Score: 4

I call my toilet the oval office.. It's got a think tank, and a pipeline for delivering healthcare reform.

Score: 18

What does the crew to the enterprise and toilet paper have in common? They both circle Uranus fighting Klingons.

Score: 9

Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? He got stuck in a crack.

Score: 5

How do you unlock a toilet? A Doo-key.

Score: 4

Why did the girl take toilet paper to the party? She's a party pooper

Score: 10

A toilet was stolen from the police station The police have nothing to go on

Score: 26

What's one of the worst things you can do to a blind man? Leave the plunger in the toilet.

Score: 28

Why DIDN'T the toilet paper cross the road? It was stuck in a crack.

Score: 5

What did the deputy find in the sheriff's toilet? The police log

Score: 6

How did Captain Hook die on the Toilet? He wiped with the wrong Hand.

Score: 4

A man is verbally abusive to his wife, but she always keeps her cool.

He asks her "I'm always so abusive to you, how come you're always so calm?"

"I scrub the toilet" his wife replies

"I don't get it?!" He says

"I use your toothbrush"

Score: 4

Why is it considered spiritual to buy cheap toilet paper? Because you come to touch with your inner self.

Score: 8

Instead of the 'John', I call my toilet... Instead of the 'John', I call my toilet the 'Jim'. That way it sounds more impressive when I say, "I go to the Jim first thing every morning".

Score: 11

I got mad when I sat on the toilet and my seat was warm and wet. The man I sat on wasn't too happy either.

Score: 8

Reports are in that a toilet has been stolen from the local police station Police say they have nothing to go on.

Score: 17

I hate it when I run out of toilet paper and I have to make the trip to the grocery store in really small steps.

Score: 18

I got caught looking down a girl's top. I was so embarrassed. I almost slipped off the toilet seat.

Score: 9

What do you call an igloo without a toilet? An "ig"

Score: 27

Why wasn't the Toilet Paper able to cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.

Score: 4

What do you call a toilet with a prostitute on it? A John, of course.

Score: 4

How do you bake toilet paper? Well, I don't know either, I just know how to brown it on one side.

Score: 6

I got in touch with my innerself The toilet paper ripped

Score: 13

Did you hear about the communist who drank? He got hammered and was sickled over the toilet.

Score: 6

Don't let the naysayers get you down, even the inventor of toilet paper had his critics... "this is tearable" they said at first.

Score: 4

Where did the cannibal dump his girlfriend? In the toilet

Score: 17

So I finally got in touch with my inner self today... Never buying cheap toilet paper, again .

Score: 23

Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.

(my 10 year old claims to have made this one up)

Score: 12

My girlfriend told me to stop leaving the seat up. So I did. Now she's mad that there is urine on the toilet seat. I know this has probably been done a million times...

Score: 4

I've been getting in touch with my inner self recently... ...but I guess that's just what happens when you get single ply toilet paper.

Score: 5

I got in touch with my inner self today at Disney World I can't believe that a multi billion dollar company can't afford 3 ply toilet paper.

Score: 5

If thinking deeply in the shower is called a showerthought And thinking deeply on the toilet a shitthought, what would you call thinking deeply while driving?

An accident.

Score: 4

In touch with your inner self. If you want to get in touch with your inner self, it's easy. Just buy single ply toilet paper.

Score: 8

What do you call a pencil in the toilet? A Number 2 Pencil

Score: 4

What do the U.S.S Enterprise and toilet paper have in common? They both circle around Uranus looking for Klingons

Score: 6

I got in touch with my inner self today. Thats the last time I'm buying 1 ply toilet paper at the dollar store.

Score: 9

What was Tigger doing in the toilet? Looking for Pooh

Score: 8

How do you mess with a blind person? Leave the plunger in the toilet.

Score: 21

What is 4 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women crazy when they see it? An empty toilet paper roll.

Score: 12

Chiropractors are really just lumbarjacks. a dad joke toilet thought

Score: 12

What does Sherlock Holmes do in the toilet? He de-deuces.

Score: 7

What's the difference between a motorbike and a toilet? In the first case you sit and run, in the second you run and sit.

(incredibly nobody ever wrote this one before, credits to dad)

Score: 5

What does a programmer do in the toilet? A log dump!

Score: 6

Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road..? **Because he got stuck in the crack.**

Score: 4

I electrified a clickbait journalist's toilet. Number 2 will shock them.

Score: 6

Have you heard about the Oscar Pistorius drinking game? Every time someone goes to the toilet take 4 shots

Score: 11

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a toilet The toilet doesn't want to cuddle after you dump a load in it.

Score: 6

What does toilet paper and the Star Trek Enterprise have in common? They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons.

Score: 16

Confucius say, man who sits on top of toilet, is high on pot

Score: 7

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