Toilet Jokes

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Funniest Toilet Jokes

What's 200 yards long and has an IQ of 40? The queue to buy toilet paper at Walmart.

Funny Toilet Jokes

What did people say when the inventor of the Dry Erase Board showed off his new invention. That's Remarkable!

Terrible joke, came to me on the toilet early, but I had to say it. And it's also likely be told in some form before.

Two flies are arguing on a toilet seat when... One gets pissed off!

(sorry!)

I started calling my toilet the "Jim"... instead of the John.

It sounds much better when I say that I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

I had a breakthrough today and got in touch with my inner self. That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.

I bought a toilet brush yesterday But I gotta say that I still prefer toilet paper.

The toilet at my local Police Station has been stolen. Cops have nothing to go on

How do you surprise a blind man? Leave the plunger in the toilet

I got in touch with my inner self once... Never buying single ply toilet paper again.

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers The Times are rough

Two reasons I don't drink toilet water. No.1
No.2

My friend started calling the toilet the Jim instead of the John He said it sounds better when he tell people he goes to the Jim everyday.

Today i got in touch with my inner self That's the last time I buy cheap toilet paper

About 14 women asked me out today I was in the wrong toilet

There's an easy trick you can use to calculate your IQ It's 150 minus the number of rolls of toilet paper you have at home.

A toilet was stolen from a police station today... It's a pretty serious crime. The police have nothing to go on.

Toilet paper is sort of like the Starship Enterprise it circles Uranus looking for Klingons

What did they find in the toilet in the star ship Enterprise? The captain's log.

To prevent the spread of germs, people have been told to sneeze into their upper arm. Instead, people have been stockpiling toilet paper. This upholds the long standing belief that too many people don't know their arse from their elbow.

Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

Some people aren’t shaking hands because of COVID 19. I’m not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper and hand sanitizer.

I got in touch with my inner self today... ...that's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper

People wonder why I call my toilet "the Jim" instead of "the John" I do it so I can say "I go to the Jim first thing every morning"

I was so poor growing up, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper… Now those days are behind me…

I am 24 seconds older than my twin brother... ... whenever I come out of the toilet I start a sentence with "When I was your age...." then proceed telling him the details of my majestic creation.

I've run out of toilet paper and started to use old newspapers instead. The Times are rough

Whats the worst thing you can do to a blind man? Leave the plunger in the toilet

Do you know what's the difference between toilet paper and the shower curtain? No?

SO IT WAS YOU!!!

I bought a toilet brush since I saw one in pretty much everyone's bathroom... but after giving it a try for a week I decided to go back to using toilet paper.

Why does KFC not have toilet paper? It's finger licking good

I really got in touch with my inner self today. I should probably start buying thicker toilet paper.

I decided to rename my toilet from "The John" to "The Jim." I feel much better saying I've been to "The Jim" this morning.

I had a breakthrough and got in touch with my inner self. That's the last time I buy single ply toilet paper.

Did you hear about the robbers who broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats? It happened last week and the cops still don't have anything to go on.

I got in touch with my inner self today. Note to self, never get the 1 ply toilet paper again.

Ran out of toilet paper so had to start using lettuce leaves today was the tip of the iceberg

What's the difference between a toilet bowl and a soup bowl? If you had to click to find out, I'm never having soup at your place.

Someone needs to start selling toilet paper infused with CBD oil To calm all your asses down

What's the worst trick you can do to your blind brother? Leave the plunger in the toilet

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New Toilet Jokes

I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today! I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.

Patient: "I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles!" Doctor: "Your next trip to the toilet could spell disaster"

I hate when my roommates throw cigarettes in the toilet for two reasons. A: it's disgusting and B: they are harder to light.

You can’t drink out of a toilet for two reasons: Number one

Number two

Hey did you guys hear about the fly on the toilet seat? Yeah he got pissed off

Father questions son. “What’s the difference between a curtain and toilet paper ?”

“I don’t know.”

“So it was you.”

What happens when the world runs out of toilet paper. Depends.

What's the difference between 4-layer toilet paper and a liberal arts major? You don't find 4-layer toilet paper at McDonalds!

The Covid 19 Toilet Paper craze was a lot like the Stock Market Crash of 1929 But this time, instead of everyone dumping their stocks, they're stocking for dumps

Good news! I read that people aren't hoarding toilet paper anymore, Guess we wiped out that tissue, I mean, issue.

Where did the terminator find toilet paper? Aisle B, Back.

How do you surprise a blind guy? You leave the plunger in the toilet

I don’t know what sold out quicker this month Toilet paper or Bernie Sanders

I ran out of toilet paper, so I started using old newspapers... The Times are rough!

Toilet paper shortages causing some communities to resort to using lettuce When asked about the extant crisis, Dr. Asterac simply stated:

"This morning was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaine's to be seen."

I was going to make a joke about toilet paper but most of you probably wouldn't get it

Everyone is angry at the White House because they had time to prepare for Corona, but what about the Egyptians? Egyptian mummies predicted Covid-19 in the prophecies by social distancing in big houses and hoarding toilet papers.

Someone toilet papered my house last night Now it’s worth $875,000

[blonde] A blonde woman and her boyfriend were sitting in the back yard. A pigeon flew over them and pooped on his head. "Get some toilet paper" he said. "What for?" the blonde asked. "He must be half a mile away by now"

Two ants on a toilet One got pissed off

There's an easy trick you can use to calculate your IQ It's 150 minus the number of toilet rolls you have at home

Alien1: So how did the earthlings die? Alien2: They had so much toilet paper they wiped themselves out!

The real reason I dont like shaking people's hands now isn't because of the virus... It's because everyone is out of toilet paper....

I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger working at a grocery store and I asked him.... "Where can I find the toilet paper?"
He replied, "Aisle B, back."

Dark humor is like toilet paper Not everyone gets it

My local government sent me some free, emergency toilet paper in the mail. They called it a "Jury Summons."

I just found out why people are buying so much toilet paper. An asteroid might hit earth in 2020. Paper beats rock.

Drug cartels have been turning to toilet paper instead of narcotics for profits I guess you can say the crack has been wiped out clean.

With all of the craziness at the grocery stores we've run out of toilet paper at my house and had to resort to using newspaper. These Times are rough.

It’s a shame coronavirus affects the infirm and elderly most If it affected idiocy instead there’d be a lot more toilet paper available

The real reason all the libraries are closing is not to help stop the spread of infection. Its becuase after all the toilet paper was gone, people all started to check out the books with 1000+ pages

If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke on here I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper

Today I ran out of toilet paper and had to resort to lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg.

Taco Bell forced to shut down temporarily... Due to the Corona virus the shortage of toilet paper has made this step a necessity.

I just traded four rolls of toilet paper and a package of baby wipes for a 2017 Maserati. I am going to miss that car.

I went to the supermarket but they were all out of bread. I guess some people weren't able to buy any toilet paper.

‪Q: Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?‬ A: It got stuck in a crack..

I brought my lady friend some toilet paper yesterday. It's clear she finally found her Prince Charmin.

My wife and I are home quarantined for two weeks. Fortunately, we hoarded lots of toilet paper. Time for some roll playing games.

Worried about toilet paper shortage? Don't worry. You don't have food - you don't need toilet paper.

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Long Toilet Jokes

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.

He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”

Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.”

He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.

She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”

“No, I wouldn’t,” he said.

She said, “I sell tampons.”

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”

A police officer searched me in a public toilet last night...

...and found a small bag of class A drugs. “It’s not my fault,” I said, “Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again.” “Do you really expect me to believe that?” he laughed. I said, “I’ll prove it to you if you want me to!” “Go on then.” He smiled, handing me the bag. After flushing them, he looked at me and said, “Well, show me your pocket then.” “What for?” I asked. He said, “The drugs.” I said, “What drugs?

An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official laughed and let the old man through.

The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from coming home.

The official laughed and let him through.

When he arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust.

Grandson: Who is that?

Old man: Who is that? Who is that?! Don't say "Who is that?" say "What is that?" That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!

A policeman searched me in a nightclub toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.

"It's not my fault," I said, "every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed.

I said, "I can prove it to you if you want me to."

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.

After flushing them down toilet, he looked at me with a grin and said, "Well, show me your pocket then!"

"What for?" I asked.

He said, "The drugs."

I said, "What drugs?"

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost.

He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on".
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7, you're on 6". He thanked her and continued playing golf.
On the back nine he got lost again.
He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on".
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14. You are on 13".
Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf.
When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted.
As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales". He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"
She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said "I sell tampons".
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said "You promised you wouldn't laugh". He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you".

A policeman searched me last night...

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.

"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed.
I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.

After flushing them, he looked at me and said, "Well, show me your pocket then."

"What for?" I asked.

He said, "The drugs."

I said, "What drugs?"

My 3 year old daughter asked

My 3 year old daughter asked: “Where does poo come from?”

I decided it was best to explain it at a level she would understand so I said: “You just had breakfast?”

“Yes”, she replied.

“Well, the food goes in your mouth down into your tummy. Our body takes all the good stuff it needs out of the food and then what’s left goes down to your bottom and when you go to the toilet that comes out as poo.”

She looked confused and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds. Then asked: “And Tigger?”

An old Jewish man is leaving the Soviet Union

An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel. When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official laughed and let the old man through.

The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from coming home.

The official laughed and let him through.

When he arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust.
Grandson: Who is that?

Old man: Who is that? Who is that?! Don't say "Who is that?" say "What is that?" That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!

This lady at the pub...

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs

"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.

After flushing them, he looked at me and said, "Well, show me your pocket then."

"What for?" I asked.

He said, "The drugs."

I said, "What drugs?"

A German, a Japanese, and a Russian were sitting naked...

... in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed is forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "Oh, that was my embedded smart watch," he said. "Germany has the smartest engineers in the world and I've had one of their devices placed under the skin of my forearm."


A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained,"That was my mobile phone. Japan has the smartest engineers in the world and I've had one of their mobile systems placed in my hand."


The Russian felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He exited to the bathrooms stall and returned a few seconds later with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Russian finally said-"Well, well, well comrades- it appears that SOMEBODY is recieving a fax!"

A deer had a bar. One day, he found the toilet window broken, so he asked the patrons "Who broke the window!?"

A hare responded "I kinda did..."

The deer asked "What do you mean by "kinda"?"

The hare says: "Well, I was taking a dump and after the bear finished his, he took me and tried to wipe his butt, but then he saw I wasn't toilet paper and threw me right out of the window".

The deer fined the bear $500.

A few days later, the window got broken again, so the deer asked "Who broke the window!?"

A squirrel responded "I kinda did..."

The deer asked "What do you mean by "kinda"?"

The squirrel said: "Well, I was taking a dump and after the bear finished his, he took me and tried to wipe his butt, but then he saw I wasn't toilet paper and threw me right out of the window".

The deer fined the bear $1000.

A few days later, the whole toilet got messed up - the fixtures smashed, the toilet broken and bloodied, the window broken, the door scratched, etc. So the deer asked "Who did all this!?"

The hedgehog replied "I kinda did...

A blonde and brunette were in a local Walmart

A blonde and brunette were in a local Walmart when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
The brunette won 1st place, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti.
The blonde won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the women met back at Wal-Mart. The blonde asked the brunette how she liked her prize, to which the brunette replied,
"Great, I love spaghetti!"
"How about you? How's the toilet brush?"
"Not so good," replied the blonde.
"I think I'm gonna go back to paper."

My six year old daughter was watching me shave this morning..

"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.

"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.

"Does it hurt?" she asked.

"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."

"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.

"No, I just stick a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts." I told her.

"But don't they just fall off?"

"No, sweetheart." I replied. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on."

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".

"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

A cowboy is sitting in a saloon...

when he looks out the window and notices his horse has been stolen. He turns around and shouts out to the rest of bar, "Alright, looks like one of you mangey dogs done stole my horse. Now, I'm going to go take a leak. And when I get back, my horse better be back outside... or else I'm going to have to do what I did back in El Paso... and I don't want to have to do what I did back in El Paso.

So he gets up, heads off to the toilet and when he returned, sure enough, his horse was tied up outside right where he had left it. As he was saddling up some of the people from inside the bar came out, "Hey, stranger. What was it you did in El Paso that you didn't want to do again?"

"I walked home."

A man goes to the supermarket

A man in a supermarket goes up to a cashier and places two cans of dog food on the counter.

The cashier asks, "Do you have a dog sir?" "Yes, it's at home," replies the man. "To be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog. That is store policy," says the cashier.

The next day, the man goes and places two cans of cat food on the counter. Again the cashier asks, "Do you have a cat sir?" "Yes I do, it's at home," replies the man. "Well I'm sorry sir. Store policy. I must see the cat before I can sell you cat food," replies the cashier.

The next day, the man returns to the store and walks directly to the same cashier. He has a brown paper bag in his hand. "Here," he says to the cashier, "put your hand in here." The cashier puts her hand in the brown paper bag. "It is all soft and warm," she says. "Yes that's right," replies the man, "I need to buy two rolls of toilet paper."

I apologise gratuitously.

Two brothers are off on a winter vacation in a cabin they rented out for the weekend. After some catching up, one of them goes down to the basement to get some drinks, at which point he notices a coffin in the corner.

Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a hand comes out of it, and drags the entire thing towards the brother.

Shouting, he runs upstairs and tells the brother what happened. Soon after, the coffin bursts through the door. Screaming, they ran to the kitchen and started throwing anything they could find at it. Pots, pans, plates, and even the trash can. But the coffin wouldn't stop.

Terrified, they went to the living room and started throwing everything at it. Books, cups, and even coasters. But the coffin wouldn't stop.

Out of energy and hope, they barred themselves in the bathroom. The door smashed open and they cried out for help. They threw toilet paper and bottles of shampoo. But the coffin just wouldn't stop. Out of desperation, one of them threw a bottle of cough medicine. The coffin stopped.

A police officer searched me...

A police officer searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs. “It’s not my fault,” I said, “Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again.” “Do you really expect me to believe that?” he laughed. I said, “I’ll prove it to you if you want me to!” “Go on then.” He smiled, handing me the bag. After flushing them, he looked at me and said, “Well, show me your pocket then.” “What for?” I asked. He said, “The drugs.” I said, “What drugs?

Three lawyers and three engineers were travelling by train to a conference.

At the station, each lawyer bought a ticket whereas the engineers bought only one ticket between them.

"How are you going to travel on a single ticket?" asked a lawyer.

"Wait and watch" answered one of the engineers.

When they boarded the train, the lawyers took their seats, but the three engineers crammed into a toilet and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train started, the ticket collector arrived. He knocked on the toilet door and asked, "Ticket please." The door opened just a crack and a single
arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The ticket collector took it and moved
on. Seeing this, the lawyers decided to the same thing on the return trip.

So when they got to the station, they bought only one ticket. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy any.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed lawyers.

"Wait and watch" answered an engineer.

In the train, the three engineers crammed into a toilet and the three lawyers into another nearby. Soon after the train started, one of the engineers got out of the toilet and walked to one where the lawyers were hiding.
He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

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