Toilet Jokes

Contents

Funniest Toilet Jokes

What's 200 yards long and has an IQ of 40? The queue to buy toilet paper at Walmart.

Score: 5201
Funny Toilet Jokes
Score: 1309

What did people say when the inventor of the Dry Erase Board showed off his new invention. That's Remarkable!

Terrible joke, came to me on the toilet early, but I had to say it. And it's also likely be told in some form before.

Score: 1143

Two flies are arguing on a toilet seat when... One gets pissed off!

(sorry!)

Score: 1090

I started calling my toilet the "Jim"... instead of the John.

It sounds much better when I say that I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

Score: 1003

I had a breakthrough today and got in touch with my inner self. That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.

Score: 877

I bought a toilet brush yesterday But I gotta say that I still prefer toilet paper.

Score: 656

The toilet at my local Police Station has been stolen. Cops have nothing to go on

Score: 598

How do you surprise a blind man? Leave the plunger in the toilet

Score: 477

I got in touch with my inner self once... Never buying single ply toilet paper again.

Score: 452

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers The Times are rough

Score: 446

Two reasons I don't drink toilet water. No.1
No.2

Score: 407

My friend started calling the toilet the Jim instead of the John He said it sounds better when he tell people he goes to the Jim everyday.

Score: 396

Today i got in touch with my inner self That's the last time I buy cheap toilet paper

Score: 377

About 14 women asked me out today I was in the wrong toilet

Score: 376

There's an easy trick you can use to calculate your IQ It's 150 minus the number of rolls of toilet paper you have at home.

Score: 340

A toilet was stolen from a police station today... It's a pretty serious crime. The police have nothing to go on.

Score: 323

Toilet paper is sort of like the Starship Enterprise it circles Uranus looking for Klingons

Score: 266

What did they find in the toilet in the star ship Enterprise? The captain's log.

Score: 189

To prevent the spread of germs, people have been told to sneeze into their upper arm. Instead, people have been stockpiling toilet paper. This upholds the long standing belief that too many people don't know their arse from their elbow.

Score: 184

Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

Score: 184

Some people aren’t shaking hands because of COVID 19. I’m not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper and hand sanitizer.

Score: 173

I got in touch with my inner self today... ...that's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper

Score: 158

People wonder why I call my toilet "the Jim" instead of "the John" I do it so I can say "I go to the Jim first thing every morning"

Score: 152

I was so poor growing up, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper… Now those days are behind me…

Score: 142

I am 24 seconds older than my twin brother... ... whenever I come out of the toilet I start a sentence with "When I was your age...." then proceed telling him the details of my majestic creation.

Score: 139

I've run out of toilet paper and started to use old newspapers instead. The Times are rough

Score: 134

Whats the worst thing you can do to a blind man? Leave the plunger in the toilet

Score: 134

Do you know what's the difference between toilet paper and the shower curtain? No?

SO IT WAS YOU!!!

Score: 133

I bought a toilet brush since I saw one in pretty much everyone's bathroom... but after giving it a try for a week I decided to go back to using toilet paper.

Score: 130

Why does KFC not have toilet paper? It's finger licking good

Score: 125

I really got in touch with my inner self today. I should probably start buying thicker toilet paper.

Score: 111

I decided to rename my toilet from "The John" to "The Jim." I feel much better saying I've been to "The Jim" this morning.

Score: 110

I had a breakthrough and got in touch with my inner self. That's the last time I buy single ply toilet paper.

Score: 109

Did you hear about the robbers who broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats? It happened last week and the cops still don't have anything to go on.

Score: 109

I got in touch with my inner self today. Note to self, never get the 1 ply toilet paper again.

Score: 108

Ran out of toilet paper so had to start using lettuce leaves today was the tip of the iceberg

Score: 104

What's the difference between a toilet bowl and a soup bowl? If you had to click to find out, I'm never having soup at your place.

Score: 104

Someone needs to start selling toilet paper infused with CBD oil To calm all your asses down

Score: 100

What's the worst trick you can do to your blind brother? Leave the plunger in the toilet

Score: 95

two ants are fighting on a toilet seat One of them gets pissed off.

Score: 93

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Ran out of toilet paper and started using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.

Score: 7

What should you do if you run out of toilet paper in the wilderness? Take a leaf out of Bear Grylls’ book.

Score: 4

I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today! I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.

Score: 25

Patient: "I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles!" Doctor: "Your next trip to the toilet could spell disaster"

Score: 20

It has been discovered that you can get HIV from a toilet seat If you sit down before the other gets up

Score: 5

I hate when my roommates throw cigarettes in the toilet for two reasons. A: it's disgusting and B: they are harder to light.

Score: 9

Sitting on the toilet this morning, I was reminded of my recent divorce. At first I thought I thought I was in for a clean break, but then it got messy and there was lots of paperwork.

Score: 5

If ever you see a toilet in your dreams........... ............... DO NOT USE IT!!

Score: 6

I am sitting on the toilet with the squirts. Yes. This is a shitpost.

Score: 5

You can’t drink out of a toilet for two reasons: Number one

Number two

Score: 15

Hey did you guys hear about the fly on the toilet seat? Yeah he got pissed off

Score: 8

Father questions son. “What’s the difference between a curtain and toilet paper ?”

“I don’t know.”

“So it was you.”

Score: 21

What happens when the world runs out of toilet paper. Depends.

Score: 7

What's the difference between 4-layer toilet paper and a liberal arts major? You don't find 4-layer toilet paper at McDonalds!

Score: 89

I’ve started to get in touch with my inner self lately This is the last time i save money on toilet paper!

Score: 6

What's the difference between a shower curtain and toilet paper? If you said "I don't know," click here:

​

>!So you're the idiot that ruined my shower curtain!!!!!<

Score: 4

The Covid 19 Toilet Paper craze was a lot like the Stock Market Crash of 1929 But this time, instead of everyone dumping their stocks, they're stocking for dumps

Score: 13

Something terrible occurred in the bathroom Me: what’s the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain

Roommate: I don’t know what is it

Me: So it was you

Score: 4

Good news! I read that people aren't hoarding toilet paper anymore, Guess we wiped out that tissue, I mean, issue.

Score: 14

I feel like Magellan when I see a toilet I haven't used I like to call those "unsharted territory".

Score: 6

I've run out of toilet paper and started using old newspapers instead The times are rough

Score: 4

Where did the terminator find toilet paper? Aisle B, Back.

Score: 9

Did you hear about the fly on the toilet seat? He got pissed off

Score: 4

How do you surprise a blind guy? You leave the plunger in the toilet

Score: 13

I don’t know what sold out quicker this month Toilet paper or Bernie Sanders

Score: 7

Why didn’t the toilet paper make it across the road? It got stuck in a crack

Score: 4

After I ran out of toilet paper, a friend suggested using pages from an old book That worked OK I guess, but now I'm looking for suggestions to clean a Kindle.

Score: 4

I ran out of toilet paper, so I started using old newspapers... The Times are rough!

Score: 19

Now that we've ran out of toilet paper I wished I had bought a toilet brush with softer bristles.

Score: 4

Toilet paper prices are like a cheap circumcision right now It's a rip off

Score: 4

Toilet paper shortages causing some communities to resort to using lettuce When asked about the extant crisis, Dr. Asterac simply stated:

"This morning was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaine's to be seen."

Score: 14

During this time of quarantine I have been in touch with my inner self daily. This is the last time I will ever buy Walmart brand toilet paper.

Score: 5

Someone at the local Dollar General pulled a gun on another guy for toilet paper. Heard he got away Scott free.

Score: 5

I don't know which is thinner The toilet paper at my workplace or my will to live

Score: 3

I was going to make a joke about toilet paper but most of you probably wouldn't get it

Score: 25

Everyone is angry at the White House because they had time to prepare for Corona, but what about the Egyptians? Egyptian mummies predicted Covid-19 in the prophecies by social distancing in big houses and hoarding toilet papers.

Score: 7

Man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer For good clean fun

Score: 5

I got in touch with my inner self today That's the last time I'll buy 1-ply toilet paper at the dollar store.

Score: 5

Someone toilet papered my house last night Now it’s worth $875,000

Score: 12

Quarantine has been hard. I've run out of toilet paper, and have to use lettuce leaves. It's only going to get worse, though... This is just the tip of the iceberg.

Score: 4

[blonde] A blonde woman and her boyfriend were sitting in the back yard. A pigeon flew over them and pooped on his head. "Get some toilet paper" he said. "What for?" the blonde asked. "He must be half a mile away by now"

Score: 9

Two ants on a toilet One got pissed off

Score: 9

There's an easy trick you can use to calculate your IQ It's 150 minus the number of toilet rolls you have at home

Score: 7

Finally got my tax return Is there anywhere I can still buy toilet paper?

Score: 3

There is no toilet paper So I’ve got to use newspaper...

The Times are rough.

Score: 4

Alien1: So how did the earthlings die? Alien2: They had so much toilet paper they wiped themselves out!

Score: 12

The real reason I dont like shaking people's hands now isn't because of the virus... It's because everyone is out of toilet paper....

Score: 9

A dating profile reads... Single woman with Lysol and hand sanitizer seeking single man with two-ply toilet paper for good, clean fun.

Score: 5

I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger working at a grocery store and I asked him.... "Where can I find the toilet paper?"
He replied, "Aisle B, back."

Score: 10

Dark humor is like toilet paper Not everyone gets it

Score: 26

A toilet has been confirmed stolen Unfortunately, the police have nothing to go on

Score: 4

My local government sent me some free, emergency toilet paper in the mail. They called it a "Jury Summons."

Score: 6

An asteroid might hit the Earth next month, and I figured out why everyone is collecting toilet papers Because paper beats rock.

Score: 3

My buddy just said: "I really don't get this toilet paper thing. I mean, how could they even eat so much, that it'd be necessary to take that many dumps?" I replied: "Yeah, I know, goddamned wankers"

Score: 5

I just found out why people are buying so much toilet paper. An asteroid might hit earth in 2020. Paper beats rock.

Score: 15

Drug cartels have been turning to toilet paper instead of narcotics for profits I guess you can say the crack has been wiped out clean.

Score: 34

I have just run out of toilet paper so I have begun using old newspapers. The Times are rough.

Score: 5

With all of the craziness at the grocery stores we've run out of toilet paper at my house and had to resort to using newspaper. These Times are rough.

Score: 6

I am going to start a business selling toilet paper by the sheet, I am trying to decide whether to call it "SheetLoad" or "ButtCoin."

Score: 6

It’s a shame coronavirus affects the infirm and elderly most If it affected idiocy instead there’d be a lot more toilet paper available

Score: 17

The real reason all the libraries are closing is not to help stop the spread of infection. Its becuase after all the toilet paper was gone, people all started to check out the books with 1000+ pages

Score: 32

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