Running Jokes

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Funniest Running Jokes

Funny Running Jokes

2013: Didn't jog - 2014: Didn't jog - 2015: Didn't jog - 2016: Didn't jog - 2017: Didn’t jog - 2018: Didn’t jog - 2019: Still haven’t jogged This is a running joke

"It's a boy", David shouted, "It's a BOY!" With tears rolling down his eyes, David came running out of the room. And never visited Bangkok again.

I'm not racist but.. I saw a black guy running down the street with a TV and I thought "that's mine"

Then I realized mine is at home, polishing my shoes

Is it okay to hate a certain race? I usually run the 5K, but someone from my running group wants to do the 10K, which I don't want because a lot of caucasians participate in that one.

It was 11 years ago today that my pal Joey came running out of that room shouting “it’s a boy” “it’s a boy” with tears streaming down his face. We never went back to Thailand.

What kind of running means walking? Running out of gas!

What's more dangerous than running with the scissors? Scissoring with the runs

Eight year old tells funniest joke My eight year old cousin told me this one:

Why was Beethoven mad at his chicken?

Because he kept saying Bach Bach Bach

EDIT: god damn you autocorrect! always running my jokes!

It was eleven years ago today my best mate James came running out of the room shouting "It's a boy!" with tears streaming down his face. We never went back to Thailand.

Why did Cruz pick Carly Fiorina as his running mate? To lay off his campaign staff.

As I was approaching my driveway, I saw a big black man running away with a TV in his hands and I wondered if it was mine. Upon entering my house, I was relieved to see that mine was at home polishing my shoes.

At the gym I walked into the gym and see a bunch of ladies working out, I ask the guy who is running the gym, “Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies?” He smiles says “Try the ATM in the lobby”.

That rabbi's gone crazy! He's been running around a circumcising all kinds of lettuce... and that's just the tip of the iceberg.

My girlfriend's dog came running up to us for a cuddle. "I love you Freddy," she said, stroking his fur.

"I love him more than you," I replied.

She said, "I don't think so, I definitely love him most."

I said, "You misunderstood me."

Obama and Trump are running laps around the White House... Obama and Trump are running laps around the White House, after three laps Trump excitedly yells "10 minutes exactly, well that has to be a new record!".

Obama says "I don't think so, Bush did 9:11".

I'm not racist but I saw a black guy running down the street with a TV and I thought "that's mine".





But then I realized mine is home, polishing my shoes.

My grandad is a real inspiration to get healthy, he starting running a mile a day when he was 65.... Now he is 70, we have no idea where he is

Is it wrong to hate an entire race? I just think marathons are *way* too much running

A bike in town keeps running me over It’s a vicious cycle

I hate political jokes And it disgusts me that two are running for president.

Four more years is a great thing to shout at a president running for reelection... But not so good to shout at a 14 year old girl.

Whats worse than running with scissors? Scissoring with the runs.

I was viewing a house being sold by a native american i asked him if it came with running water,

He said 'no, get your own wife'

You know what is brave? Running against a wall completely naked with a boner. You know what is embarrassing? Breaking your nose doing it.

When I become a superhero, I'm going to call myself "Ironic". So when there's trouble & I'm running away, people will be like "Isn't that ironic?!"

How did the Pharoah get so rich? He was running a huge pyramid scheme

Is it wrong to hate a certain race? I don't mind running a 5k, but my friends want to run in a 10k and I don't like 10ks

A man is rushed to the hospital and is given blood. When the man gets worse, a nurse goes running to the doctor, saying "We gave him the wrong blood!"

The doctor responds "Ah, must've been a Type-O!"

Two clowns are running for public office... It's funny for me though because I live in Canada.

Whats the difference between running in front of a car and running after a car? When you run after the car, you get exhausted. If you run in front of it, you'll get tired.

If you want girls to be running after you Become a Bus Driver.

A bit rapey. The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did too, she began running so I ran too, she screamed so I screamed as well. I never even saw what we were running from.

Yo mama so fat... ...she had an heart attack while running an app.

Why is Jeb! Bush still running for president? Because the Bush family thinks that no child should be left behind.

A million or more lab rats die each year and my fiance screams at me for running over a mouse. That's the last time we're going to Disney.

Everyday I tell the wife I’m gonna do a few miles around the neighborhood for exercise. And I never do lol. It’s a running joke I have

I was buying a house from a Native American the other day I asked him if it came with running water,

He said 'get your own damn wife'

Whats more dangerous than running with scissors? Scissoring with the runs.

Which is better exercise, chasing a car or running away from one? Chasing a car. After running from a car you'll just be tired, but after chasing one you'll be exhausted.

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New Running Jokes

Jogging 2014 Didn’t jog

2015 Didn’t jog

2016 Didn’t jog

2017 Didn’t jog

2018 Didn’t jog

2019 Didn’t jog

2020 Still not jogging



This is a running joke.

I think after the pandemic ends I'm still gonna wear masks when I exercise. It's a bit of a running gag.

2013: Didn’t jog - 2014: Didn’t jog - 2015: Didn’t jog - 2016: Didn’t jog - 2017: Didn’t jog - 2018: Didn’t jog - 2019: Didn’t jog - 2020: Still haven’t jogged This is a running joke.

Why do midgets laugh when running across the lawn? The grass tickles their balls.

What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment? Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

They’re running out of face masks in China No big supplies there.

It was 11 years ago that my pal James came running out the room shouting "it's a boy, it's a boy"with tears streaming down his face. We never went back to Thailand

Three years ago my brother came running down the stairs yelling “It’s a boy, it’s a boy!” That’s the last time we visited Thailand

It was 10 years ago today that my best buddy Dave came running out of the room shouting “ it’s a boy!” with tears tears streaming down his face.... ....We never went back to Thailand since!

It was 11 years ago today. My buddy James came running into the room, tears streaming down his face, and shouting,

“It’s a boy! It’s a boy!”


Needless to say, we never went back to Thailand.

What's the worst combination of two sicknesses? Diarrhea and alzheimer. You are running but you don't know where.

"It's a boy!", He screamed, running out of the room, And vowed never to visit Thailand again.

What do you call a telescope that can't stop running into stuff? A kaleidoscope.

I was in my room and saw a group of 10 ants running around frantically. I felt bad and made a small house for them out of cardboard. This technically makes me their landlord and they are my .. Tenants

Our local cemetery is running out of spaces ... ...It’s a grave issue

“Mommy, why is Grandpa running in zigzags?” “Don’t question it, child. Just reload.”

Apparently 25% of women are on some form of medication for mental illness. 25%! That's horrifying. It means 75% of them are running around untreated!

I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!"

Thinking back, I really should have started running but you don't get offers like that every day.

My friends won’t stop teasing me for giving up in a marathon after only 1 mile I’ve become a running joke

“Hello there, I'm a racist!” “That's horrible. Why would you even admit something like that?”

“Haha, No I'm racist, as in I love running and racing people.”

“Oooh, haha.”

“Not black people though, they can all run faster.”

I feel like I’m running out of jokes... [depleted]

What's the difference between Gordon Ramsay's favorite dish and a slow running computer? One is a Rack of Lamb, the other is a Lack of RAM

A little boy came running up to me and said, “Please help, my dad is in a fight.”

I followed him and came across two men fighting.

I asked him, “Which one’s your dad?”

He replied, “I don’t know, that’s what they’re fighting about.”

I found out my friend was running a charity for atheism. He said it was a non-prophet organization.

This morning I choked on water while jogging for the third time this week... Worst running gag ever.

What's the worst thing that can happen to a man? Running into a wall while erect and breaking your nose.

I treat every day like I am running a marathon tomorrow... I rest, load up on carbs and don't run.

If a tree falls in the woods and no one hears it, my illegal logging business is running smoothly

Who won the race? Who won the race? The lettuce, the tomato or the faucet?

The lettuce was a head, the faucet was still running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.

I treat every day like I am running a marathon tomorrow... I load up on carbs and don't run.

My electricity bill was running suspiciously high Had the power company send someone over. He found a wire tapped into my house running to a neighbor's. Watt do you know, a Joule thief lives next to my Ohm.

I had a Muslim friend in college who was always running late. We called him 9/12.

I treat every day like I am running a marathon tomorrow... I don't run and I load up on carbs.

What do you call Batman running out of a church? Christian Bale

I saw a black man running.. I was walking down the street one evening and I saw a black man running holding a television. I thought to my self "i wonder if that's mine", so I hurried back home and lo and behold it was still there, shining my shoes.

After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table... I needed a running start, but I did it!

Running with a car If you run in front of a car, you get tired.





If you run in back of a car, you get exhausted.

A tomato; a tap and a hat were having a race... the tap was running but the hat was on ahead while the tomato couldn't ketchup.

Just goes to show, you're never to old to try new things. My nan starting running when she was 65, she's 71 now and we've no idea where she is.

I saw a black guy running down the street carrying a tv I thought for a second, "man that looks a lot like mine' so I ran home quick and nope there was mine still shining my shoes.

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Long Running Jokes

My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.

He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic.

The penguin says, "Have you had time to look at my engine?"

The mechanic says, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin says, "No, that's just ice cream."

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman…

He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim.

Of course they're swimming naked as you do. All of a sudden, two busses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals looks over at the rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face. He says, "rabbi! What are you doing!" The rabbi says, "in *my* community, they recognise me by my face."

We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and he loved to tell it every time I saw him. He knew quite a few others too, but this was always my favorite.*

A man is out on a golf course, when he hears someone shout "FORE!"

He looks this way and that but doesn't see the ball, until *WHACK!* He shouts and curses and moans, holding both hands over his crotch.

"Oh, you poor thing!" a woman cries, running over to assist him. She gets on her knees and starts to rub his groin with her hands. "Is that better?"

He shakes his head, so she pulls his pants down and starts rubbing it in earnest. After a few minutes, she smiles and says, "That seemed to help a lot!"

"Oh, it was wonderful!" he says. "But the ball hit my thumb!"

An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.' The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answered given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the agent running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the agent. The agent is clearly terrified.

The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
'Your badge! Show him your badge!'

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second.

"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.

As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps.

He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, the second guy isn’t able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.

This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him.

The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up – he’s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a pinata?"

A husband calls the Sheriff's office to report his wife missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Sheriff: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sheriff: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sheriff: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sheriff: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.

Sheriff: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sheriff: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, LED lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and underglow wheel well lighting.

At this point the husband started choking up.

Sheriff: Take it easy sir, we'll find your truck!

A priest and a rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go skinny dipping in a remote lake

All of a sudden, two busses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbi‘s congregation and out of the other pours the priest’s congregation.

Their clothes are on the other side of the lake, so they don’t have time to retrieve them. Both decide to just make a run for it.

The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals looks over and sees the rabbi running with his hands over his face. He says, “Rabbi! What are you doing?”

The rabbi says, "In my community, they recognize me by my face."

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole...

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.”

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he’s in the bar again and he has his monkey with him.

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.

He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted.

“Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks.

“Now what?”, responds the patron.

“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”

My favourite joke: Now Hiring

A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."

​

The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room.

​

30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter.

"Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself.

20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running "Hello, world" program.

He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well... you're a dog."

​

The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs.

"There's no way you're bilingual."

​

The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."

Two black guys are up all night doing cocaine...

When all the coke is gone, one of the guys can't stop running in circles. He looks to his buddy and says, "Dude I can't stop running, I need to go to the doctor." When they get to the doctor, one of the guy says, "Doc you gotta help us. We were up all night doing cocaine and now my friend can't stop running in circles." "Not to worry gentlemen, I have just the thing for you", the doctor replies.

The doctor reaches into a drawer and retrieves a bag of blue powder. "Run on over here and snort some of this blue powder, it should slow you down." So, the black guy runs over and snorts the powder off the table. His friend realizes that he's no longer running, and has slowed to a jog.

"Doc, it's working! Give him some more and make him walk." Sure enough the doctor lays some more powder onto the table, the black guy snorts it and slows down to a walk.

"Alright Doc give him a big old blast, and make him go to sleep." The doctor lays out a huge pile of this powder, and when the black guy snorts it, he immediately lays down and goes to sleep.

"Doctor you're a miracle worker, but I have to ask what's the blue powder?"

The doctor looks at him and says, "Tide keeps your colors from running."

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name

He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her. She named the baby girl "Love," inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name. She came home from school one day and screamed at her dad, asking why he gave her such a stupid name. Carol took the blame to protect his wife and apologized. In a fit of rage, Love shot him with her dart gun and ran away.

Minutes later, Carol's wife game home and saw him lying on the ground. "What happened?" She asked, running to him.

He waved her closer, and whispered, "Shot through the heart, and you're to blame. Darling, you gave Love a bad name."

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

So he sits down with St Peter and says
“Look, too many people are getting in. As of tomorrow at 12pm, no one is getting in unless they’ve had a really bad day”

Peter nods, and the next day he sits down at the pearly gates when a man arrives

“Hi sir, welcome to heaven, hey new rules... you’re not allowed in unless you’ve had like a really bad day”

The man doesn’t pause before screaming:
“Bad day? A bad day! Let me tell you about my day. I have suspected my wife of cheating on me for a year now and I decided to come home at lunch and catch her in the act. So I go up to my apartment on the 10th floor and I nearly bust straight in. Anyway she’s lying on the couch, naked and screaming at me! I can’t find the guy anywhere, until I go outside on the balcony and there’s this guy, naked, holding on to the balcony floor. And he’s screaming at me too! Well next thing I go into this rage... I just stomp on his hands and he falls the ten storeys. But at the bottom these branches break his fall, and he starts to get up! He’s alive! So I grab the nearest thing, our fridge, and I haul it out onto the edge of the balcony and lever t over the railing, sending it right at him. I don’t know what happened next though cause I gave myself a heart attack while doing it!”

Peter nods “wow yeah that is rough. In ya come”. The next guy in line walks up, naked

“Hey so yeah, new rules, you have to have had a bad day to get in”

“Well let me tell ya. I was home sick from work and I just got out of the shower. Anyway I walked out onto my balcony of my fifteen floor apartment to get some fresh air. A gust of wind whipped my towel off and I reached out to grab it... but I ended up falling over the edge! Luckily I managed to turn mid-air and grab onto this balcony. So I am hanging there, screaming for someone to help me when this god damn mad man comes running out and starts stamping on my fingers! I then fall ten storeys, but I’m saved! All these branches in these trees at the bottom slowly break my fall. I was just getting my bearings when I look up and a fridge is flying at my face”

Peter nods... perplexed... “wow. Yeah. Okay. That sounds rough, in ya go... next”

This other guy walks up, and Peter says “same as the last two, you’ve had to have had a bad day to get in”

The guy looks at him and goes
“Okay. So imagine this. You’re naked inside a fridge”

Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin were having a meeting in a 20 story building.

During a break the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.

First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said, "Ivan, jump down."

Ivan replied in tears, "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son."

Putin explained that he was only joking, and let Ivan out.

Then Kim Jong-Un called his guard Lee, and told him to jump. Lee started running
toward the window.

Putin grabbed him and said, "Are you crazy? You will die if you jump!"

Struggling, Lee replied, "Let me go! I have a wife and a son!"

A young boy comes running down the street looking for a cop. He finds one and then begs "Please, officer, come back to the bar with me, my father's in a fight." Well, they get back to the bar and there's three guys fighting like you wouldn't believe.

After a while the cop turns to the kid and says "Okay, which one's your father."

The kid looks up at the cop and says, "I don't know, officer, that's what they're fighting about."

A Sensitive Guy

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,

After awhile, she finds herself
thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!

'Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips.

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds.

And he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom,
where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her,
strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes,



and says:

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'

A mob drags a man into a police station for running over 13 people, while shouting "Murderer!" "Killer"

A mob drags a man into a police station for running over 13 people, while shouting "Murderer!" "Killer "
The policeman disperses the crowd and begins to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman :" Tell me what happened. "

The suspect :" Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to crash the car into a group of 12 people or to swerve into a single person. Am I a monster for deciding to swerve into the single person? "

Policeman :" No, that sounds like a difficult yet reasonable decision. But tell me how did you end up killing 13 people? "

Suspect :" Well that selfish guy ran towards the other 12."

A man walks into a bar

and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?" she asked.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

2 Christians are lost in the Arabian desert

The first day is hot, and they're miserable after running out of food and water. The night is surprisingly cold and even worse than the day. The second day and night are even worse.

On the third morning, hotter than the past 2 days, they see a mosque. "We're saved!" exclaims one. The other is wary and says he doesn't think they'll help Christians. The first says he doesn't care, he's so hungry he'd rather be killed than starve. The second one decides to tell them he's Muslim.

They arrive and the first man says he's Christian and asks for help. The Muslims are very friendly and tell him they have plenty of food and water for him. The second one tells them he's Muslim. The reply: "Salaam, brother! Happy Ramadan!"

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