Hospital Jokes


Funniest Hospital Jokes

John Cena wakes up at a hospital John Cena: Where am I

Nurse: ICU

John Cena: No you can’t

Score: 13066

The hospital that my son is staying at got the Avengers to visit him. He’s also going to see Stan Lee next week!

Score: 1073
Funny Hospital Jokes
Score: 615

An American tourist in Australia was in an accident. The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?"
The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday."

Score: 336

As a Canadian.. Every time I hear a bad joke about being Canadian...

...I go right to the Hospital and get my feelings checked for free

Score: 315

A man has been admitted to hospital after shoving 6 toy horses up his arse. Doctors have described his condition as stable.

Score: 294

Today, a friend of mine had to go to the hospital because he ate a pizza. *My* pizza.

Score: 293

Kanye West was hospitalized... Our thoughts and prayers go out to the hospital staff at this difficult time.

Score: 256

A priest has a heart attack and is rushed to hospital When he wakes up, he is being raced through the corridors on a gurney. Disoriented, he asks, "am I in heaven?"

"No, replies the nurse. "We're just taking a shortcut through the children's ward."

Score: 239

What’s the difference between a children’s hospital and an ISIS training camp? I dunno, I just fly the drones

Score: 228

What`s the difference between a Doctors Without Borders hospital and ISIS? How would I know, I`m just a US Air Force Operator.

Score: 227

A man is rushed to the hospital and is given blood. When the man gets worse, a nurse goes running to the doctor, saying "We gave him the wrong blood!"

The doctor responds "Ah, must've been a Type-O!"

Score: 218

My girlfriend is in the hospital after she ate a giant bacon cheese burger. It was mine.

Score: 209

A man goes into the hospital with 6 plastic horses up his bum. The doctors described his condition as stable.

Score: 208

Did you hear about the 80 year old woman that tried to kill herself? She was told that the most effective way would be to shoot herself through the heart, just below her left breast... She woke up in hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Score: 194

My brother won a prize for staying in a hospital bed for a really long time. He got a trophy.

Score: 170

My son called me saying he's in the hospital "Mom, please don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital."

"Son, you're a doctor and you've been doing this joke for the past 5 years."

Score: 165

Woman is at a maternity hospital in a lot of pain. Her husband strokes her back and says, "I'm sorry sweety, you have to go through this"

She says, "Don't worry. It's not your fault."

Score: 157

The Doctor made me walk again... Because I had to sell my car in order to pay the hospital bill

Score: 125

What has 2 legs in the morning, 4 legs in the afternoon, and 3 legs in the evening The man I was doing surgery on

I got fired from the hospital

Score: 119

An old man is walking in the hospital... An old man is walking in the hospital and talks to himself:
-aquarius?... no, no no... was it gemini?... naaah...
young doctor cant stand it anymore and walks to him:
-cancer grandpa, you got cancer!

Score: 119

A guy wakes up in hospital after surgery and complains he can't feel his legs "I know" said the doctor.
"We had to amputate your arms"

Score: 113

A nurse in a mental hospital receives a call A man says: "Miss, could you check if the patient in room 14 is still there?"

Nurse: "A moment please"

After a while,
Nurse: "No!! He's gone!!"
The man: "Good, looks like I really escaped this time...."

Score: 110

A man goes into hospital with 6 plastic horses up his butt......... The doctors described his condition as stable.

Score: 108

The ghost busters enterd the hospital to see their friend who has been diagnosed with cancer When they walk in their stopped by a doctor who says
-Sorry no spawn camping

Score: 102

What do a farm and hospital have in common? Too many vegetables for one person to take care of.

Score: 96

A man wakes up in a hospital bed and yells “Doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replies “I know, I amputated your arms.”

Score: 88

The baby Woman at a maternity hospital is in a lot of pain, moaning. The man strokes her back, “I’m so sorry sweetheart that you have to endure this…” 

“Don’t worry Steve, it’s not your fault.”

Score: 82

Did you hear about the guy who landed in the hospital after shoving 8 plastic toy horses in his butt? His condition is stable.

Score: 80

`That cut looks bad. You should go to the hospital for stitches. "Nah."
"Fine, suture self."

Score: 76

A Kinect game made me angry enough to throw the controller at a wall... I've been in the hospital for 2 days now.

Score: 62

I'm writing this from the hospital Don't worry! The doctors say I'm going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!

Score: 59

I'm not allowed to dress up as a superhero and visit the children's hospital anymore. And I put so much work into my Thanos costume.

Score: 49

I am in the hospital my younger brother swallowed a 16GB memory card and he is singing all songs in it. I just pray it doesn't reach the video folder.

Score: 46

Having heard that Steve Jobs is in hospital with only his Ipad to comfort him I've decided to release the cure for pancreatic cancer into the public domain.

But only in flash.

Score: 45

Anytime I hear a mean joke about Canadians, I immediately go to the hospital to get my feelings checked. For free.

Score: 44

Apparently Stephen Hawking is in hospital after he went on a date last night... She stood him up.

Score: 44

Please pray for my mother-in-law. She was taken to hospital this morning. A bee landed on her face. Luckily she wasn't stung. I was too quick with the spade.

Score: 43

Grandma went to the hospital saying she felt a lump on her breast... Turns out it was her belt buckle.

Score: 41

My parents are perfectionists. They won't let me get away with anything less than an A+. I'm currently at the hospital getting a blood transfusion.

Score: 39

A Jewish man gets hit by a car... in the back of the ambulance on the way to the hospital the paramedic asks "are you comfortable?"

the Jewish man shrugs. "I make a living."

Score: 38

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New Hospital Jokes

I got so annoyed at having to wait so long in the hospital waiting room that I decided to just barge into the nearest door to demand treatment. The paque claimed it belonged to Dr Essings. But it was just full of bandages.

Score: 2

I performed an opening one night for a surgeon, really funny guy They kicked me out of the hospital and called the cops

Score: 2

6 percent of covid 19 deaths in America Were due to the virus.

The remaining 94 percent died when they saw the hospital bill

Score: 2

Hospital emergency A man has stuffed 12 plastic horses up his arse...

The doctor came in and said

"Your condition is pretty much stable"I

Score: 3

The local hospital hired a Roman nurse! Complications arose when the IV was issued to bed #4.

Score: 4

You would think if a girl undresses you, that would be a sign of consent right? But the hospital says otherwise

Score: 9

After 4 months without the gym I finally went back and a great weight was lifted off my shoulders After they removed the weight, the paramedics then took me to the hospital for extensive surgery.

Score: 5

Whats the hardest think about eating vegetables? The dissaproving stares from the family in the hospital room

Score: 1

Another joke translated from Arabic A man was walking home from work when he got in a car accident

His wife comes in a hurry to the hospital and asks the Doctor how he’s doing the Doctor says

“We got him out of intensive care but he died”

Score: 6

I got a job as valet down at the hospital The best part about it, is that I’m gonna be able to work my way up the chain. It goes Valet-Valet Supervisor.. and somewhere at the end I’ll be a doctor!

Score: 1

A Tik-Tok user who shot videos in the airport was taken to the hospital today.. He was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

Score: 3

I don't like to watch the series finales of tv shows... If I wanted to watch things end, I'd be in my granddad's hospital room 4 years ago

Score: 1

Just been admitted to hospital after accidentally sitting on 2 of my son's plastic toy horses. Doctors say I'm stable.

Score: 4

A doctor joke Someone rushed to the hospital he says to the doctor “doc doc help me I have 59 seconds to live”
The doctor replies with “ok but wait a minute”

Score: 2

I was fired and kicked out of the hospital on the very first day as a nurse.............. Apparently the sign outside the ward "Stroke Patients Here" meant something completely different!

Score: 9

Joke A man has go to the hospital wanting a brain transplant.After he sees the prices he change his mind

Score: 3

What was the last thing the civil bengineer saw before he passed away in the hospital The ceiling

Score: 2

Accident I was reading about this guy who was in an accident at work. Apparently he lost his left leg and left arm in machine on the factory floor.

After spending eight weeks in the hospital he’s now all right.

Score: 5

John Travolta was admitted to hospital suspecting Covid 19 but it turns out it was just Saturday Night Fever and a hospital spokesperson said he was “Stayin’ Alive”!

Score: 2

Woman at a maternity hospital is in a lot of pain, moaning. The man strokes her back, "I'm so sorry sweetheart that you have to endure this..."

"Don't worry Steve, it's not your fault."

Score: 2

What part of the animal hospital do they treat squids? The Squid-ward

Score: 1

Whats the difference between a North Korean Hospital and a Vegan Restaurant? Nothing, They both serve up Vegetables

Score: 1

I’ve got some devastating news from the hospital today. My dad was pronounced dead. I can’t believe I’ve been pronouncing it wrong all this time.

Score: 6

What’s the difference between a nuclear button and a hospital call button? Kim Jong Un won’t ever use the nuclear button again

Score: 4

So, the doctor in the insect hospital wants to speak with the patient's sister He tells her that her sister gave birth to a beautiful baby .

The sister is so excited so she starts shouting happily "I am gonna be an ant !I am gonna be an ant !"

Score: 1

(Not mine) A man wakes up in the hospital after a serious accident. He cries out "DOCTOR! DOCTOR! I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!"

The doctor replies "I know. I amputated your arms!"

Score: 2

The new Nightingale hospital in Glasgow has been renamed. ICU Jimmy

Score: 2

A guy gets hit by a car His wife comes to the hospital crying and asks

Wife: How is he Doctor? Is he gonna make it?

Doctor: He did make it out of intensive care...

Wife: Oh my goodness thank you Doctor!

Doctor: but he died

Score: 1

I asked my friend if the hospital had given him a date for his operation yet. He said that if he had known they would provide one, he wouldn't have asked his wife to come.

Score: 3

I went to the hospital in my martial arts clothes I was applying for the position of junior doctor, the interviewer said “why are you dressed in martial arts cloths?”

I replied “I heard everybody was kung flu fighting”.

Score: 1

A: “When I was at the hospital I didn’t have to deal with screaming patients.” B: “Why?”

A: “I was the screaming patient.”

Score: 1

My Dad has been admitted to hospital with 3 horses living inside him... Doctors have described his condition as "stable".

Score: 33

A man is on the phone to the hospital and says that his wife in in labor The responder asks, "Is this her first child?"

He says, "No, this is her husband"

Score: 13

With all the Coronavirusyou can't just go into a hospital to have a baby any more.. ..instead you get it delivered.

Score: 2

My wife said that with all this going on she’s not going to take our 4 week old to the hospital just to have his weight checked. No weigh.

Score: 5

John Cena wakes up in the hospital with no idea of what was going on... The nurse walked in and he asked "Where am I?"

She responded "ICU"

He replied "No you don't."

Score: 1

I’m in hospital at the moment Just a word of warning, the Dyson Ball cleaner is not what I thought it was

Score: 14

So recently my friend had the entire left side of his body amputated. It was a rough surgery, and he was in the hospital for a week or two. the end he was all right.

Score: 5

My bird hospital was shut down by the city. They said it was due to ill eagle activity.

Score: 35

What takes several tries to make, costs alot of money and is first seen at the hospital 9 months later? A vaccine for COVID-19.

Score: 2

If you play hide and seek in a hospital what area should you avoid The ICU

Score: 29

The Germans are getting worried about coronavirus. They have started putting their towels on Hospital beds.

Score: 3

Someone arrived at the hospital bleeding profusely. He saw a preson donating blood. He said "I hope that preson is a type O."

Score: 2

A kid with a swollen cheek walks into a hospital A doctor rushes to it: "You Ok lad? What happened?"
"Well... There was this bee... and... it landed on my cheek and... and..."
"Did it sting you?"
"No, daddy killed it with a shovel"

Score: 2

I was gonna have a baby at the hospital downtown but the week I was due, all the nurses quit their job and bought Corvettes. I guess they were having a midwife crisis.

Score: 6

A man in the hospital said to his doctor: " docter i can't feel me legs!" The doctor answered: "I know, I amputated your arms."

Score: 3

An elderly man walked into a bar He then was driven to the hospital

Score: 1

Preacher: how much the hospital gon' charge to heal you? **Me:** $1000

**Preacher:** I can heal you for about $250

Score: 1

So my dad recently got a job at the hospital He’s doing circumcisions, i mean it doesn’t pay well but it does put scraps on the table

Score: 17

Blind Man Wakes Up in a Hospital A blind man wakes up in a hospital today, sees doctor. He asks the doctor, "Where am I doctor." Doctor replies, "ICU". Blind mans quips backs, "I know doctor, I'm the blind one!"

Score: 4

I got kicked out of the hospital today Apparently the sign "Stroke patients here" does not mean what I thought it meant.

Score: 23

My brother is an idiot. He's in hospital with a broken ankle because he tried gluing 3 cans of soda together and using them as stilts. That'll teach him to get high on coke.

Score: 3

A woman gives birth in the hospital to a beautiful baby boy. “I’d like to name him Jack”, she says to the Nurse. “I’m sorry,” said the Nurse “but that name is already taken. How about Jack573 or Jack_142?”

Score: 9

The hospital I'm staying in was robbed! I guess you could say there were Pirates of the Care-I-Be-In.

Score: 2

Did you hear about the man who was rushed to hospital after sticking six little plastic horses up his butt? Doctors say his condition is stable.

Score: 6

A man wakes up in the hospital after a bad car accident. The doctor tell him "Sir, I'm sorry to tell you, you were in a car accident and we had to amputate both of your arms. " The patient sighs and says: "Well doctor, that's a weight off my shoulders"

Score: 34

Well I had to go to the hospital early this morning because of my symptoms The symptoms are: I work there and I like getting paid.

Score: 2

My coworker is in the hospital after eating a medium-well cooked cheeseburger It was my cheeseburger.

Score: 21

My local hospital trained a dog to perform facelifts. He wasn't very good, but he did raise a few eyebrows.

Score: 2

What do you diagnose a Super Mutant that gets rushed to the hospital with? A FEV-ER

Score: 1

A man got sick and waited in the hospital to see a doctor. Hours went by but he was still waiting. Desperate with the sickness, he screamed a loud. " I want to see the doctor".... The Doctor came out, looked at him and said, I will see you only if you are patient....

Score: 1

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