Hospital Jokes


Funniest Hospital Jokes

What's the most common operation in a LEGO hospital? Plastic surgery.

[Credits: My 11yo son invented this joke]

Score: 3752

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..." "Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

Score: 2480

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..." "Peter, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

Score: 1961

Whats the difference between an ISIS training camp and a children's hospital? I dunno, I just fly the drone...

Score: 1637

The hospital that my son is staying at got the Avengers to visit him. He’s also going to see Stan Lee next week!

Score: 1073

If you were a fruit, you would be a Fineapple. If you were a vegetable.... I would visit you every day in the hospital.

Score: 843
Funny Hospital Jokes
Score: 615

Oh, sure. My friend donates a kidney to the City Hospital, and he's treated like some hero. I donate five kidneys and I get arrested.

Score: 569

I got kicked out of the hospital. Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.

Score: 517

A friend of mine has been rushed to hospital, after eating a horse-burger. Apparently he is now in a stable condition.

Score: 493

Where is the worst place to hide in a hospital? In the ICU.

Score: 452

An Australian man wakes up in the hospital... ... he says, "Doctor, was I brought here to die?"
The doctor replies, "No, you were brought here yester-die"

Score: 374

An American tourist in Australia was in an accident. The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?"
The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday."

Score: 336

To all of you idiots out there that drive loud cars, we hate you and get off our roads. We don’t care how many “heart attack victims” you have to “take to the hospital.”

Score: 316

As a Canadian.. Every time I hear a bad joke about being Canadian...

...I go right to the Hospital and get my feelings checked for free

Score: 315

An old woman stopped me and asked "Excuse me, can you show me how to get to the hospital"?
I said "No problem"
Then I pushed her under a bus

Score: 305

Today, a friend of mine had to go to the hospital because he ate a pizza. *My* pizza.

Score: 293

Kanye West was hospitalized... Our thoughts and prayers go out to the hospital staff at this difficult time.

Score: 256

A priest has a heart attack and is rushed to hospital When he wakes up, he is being raced through the corridors on a gurney. Disoriented, he asks, "am I in heaven?"

"No, replies the nurse. "We're just taking a shortcut through the children's ward."

Score: 239

What’s the difference between a children’s hospital and an ISIS training camp? I dunno, I just fly the drones

Score: 228

What`s the difference between a Doctors Without Borders hospital and ISIS? How would I know, I`m just a US Air Force Operator.

Score: 227

A man is rushed to the hospital and is given blood. When the man gets worse, a nurse goes running to the doctor, saying "We gave him the wrong blood!"

The doctor responds "Ah, must've been a Type-O!"

Score: 218

My girlfriend is in the hospital after she ate a giant bacon cheese burger. It was mine.

Score: 209

What's the difference between a Taliban Base and a hospital? I don't know, I just fly the drone

Score: 206

"Mom, i'm in the hospital." "Jeremy, you have been a doctor for 8 years now please stop starting every phone conversation with that."

Score: 197

Doctor: "Your wife is in hospital!"... Me: "...How is she?"

Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical".

Me: "Oh, you get used to that...".

Score: 194

Did you hear about the 80 year old woman that tried to kill herself? She was told that the most effective way would be to shoot herself through the heart, just below her left breast... She woke up in hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Score: 194

In the hospital, I asked the charge nurse for a phone charger - she was very offended. Don't even get me started on the reaction from the head nurse.

Score: 192

My brother won a prize for staying in a hospital bed for a really long time. He got a trophy.

Score: 170

My son called me saying he's in the hospital "Mom, please don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital."

"Son, you're a doctor and you've been doing this joke for the past 5 years."

Score: 165

Woman is at a maternity hospital in a lot of pain. Her husband strokes her back and says, "I'm sorry sweety, you have to go through this"

She says, "Don't worry. It's not your fault."

Score: 157

What do a farm and hospital have in common? Too many vegetables for one person to take care of.

Score: 96

A dark sense of humor is like a hospital. Lots of sickness and occasionally dead babies.

Score: 59

Nurse to my dad at the hospital... ... after he was hit by a car on his bike: do you smoke?

Dad, still not sure who the current president is: only when I'm on fire

Nurse: looks to my mom

Mom: no.

Score: 52

Please pray for my mother-in-law. She was taken to hospital this morning. A bee landed on her face. Luckily she wasn't stung. I was too quick with the spade.

Score: 43

John Cena wakes up in the hospital... He asked the nurse, "Where am I?"
The nurse replied, "ICU."
He looks at her and says, "No you can't..."

Score: 34

A man wanted to go to the hospital. He asked his mother for directions. She said just close your eyes and cross the street, they will come and get you themselves.

Score: 32

After a night of drinking, John walks into a metal bar The music was great and he hooks up with a beautiful blonde.

He awakes at the hospital with a mild concussion.

Score: 21

I once knew an Italian born with a toe growing out of his knee. So his mom, being hilarious, named him.... Just kidding, she left him at the hospital.

Score: 21

I cut off a finger in an accident at work I called my wife from the hospital and told her the terrible news.
"Oh, no" she cried "Was it the whole finger?"
"No" I replied "It was the one next to it."

Score: 21

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New Hospital Jokes

What did the prize winner get when eh went to the hospital? A ward

Score: 4

My great uncle died in the hospital because they didn’t know his blood type He held my hand through it all and said “Be positive”

Score: 15

Why’s billy in the hospital? “Well he said the only food that could make you cry was an onion..”


“So, I threw a watermelon hat his head”

Score: 11

Just a John Cena joke John Cena woke up in the hospital with no idea of what was going on.The nurse walked in and he asked
"Where am I?"
She responded
He said
"No you don't "

Score: 9

A hysterical man calls a hospital "Please come quickly! Kailey is pregnant and her labor started now, it’s really intense!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the operator.

"No you dumbass! It’s her husband!"

Score: 4

I called the hospital and pleaded, "Doctor! She's going into labor and her contractions are coming really fast! What should I do!?" "Is this her first child?" he asked. "No, this is her husband!"

Score: 17

I saw a sign at the hospital. It said, "Therapy Can Help Torture Victims". I thought, "It's probably not a good idea then."

Score: 5

A man wakes up in the hospital after electrocuting himself... Doctor: What is your name?

Man: Steven

Doctor: Good. Who is the current US President?

Man: Obama

Doctor: Oh no that is incorrect it is President Trump

Man: Dammit it didn't work

Score: 6

Two IT pros are being held on charges for murder The local hospital's life support machine was acting up, so they turned it off and back on again.

Score: 5

What is the safest place to get shot? A hospital.

Score: 5

Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. “I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.

“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.


Score: 5

The hospital just called me and said it looks like my wife got hit by a car. I told them I married her for her personality, not her looks.

Score: 8

What did the Asian man say to his wife when the hospital nursery tried to send them home with a blonde hair, blue-eye baby? Hmmm... two Wongs don't make a white.

Score: 14

A man accidentally swallows a coin He is then admitted to the hospital, when his friend comes to check on him he asks the nurse on any updates.

The nurse says: "No change yet."

Score: 4

Our dad died because we couldn't remember his blood type at the hospital. As he was dying, he kept insisting for us to "Be Positive!" - but it's so hard without him...

Score: 17

I woke up this morning next to a woman whose name I don't even know. I guess that's what it's like when you're in a hospital ward.

Score: 9

A msn walks into a hospital wanting to give blood. They weren't accepting typO's that day.

Score: 4

What's the difference between a hospital and a terrorist hideout? I dunno man, I just fly the drones

Score: 8

I was absolutely distraught when my girlfriend told me she'd had a miscarriage. I had to leave the pub and go to the hospital.

Score: 4

I took an hour long break when working at the hospital. Luckily enough, my patron was very patient

Score: 4

If I had a dollar for every promise a politician fulfilled The debt would equal my uninsured hospital bill.

Edit: Wording

Score: 4

My little brother swallowed a coin and was to taken to the hospital When I asked how he is doing, the nurse said "No change yet!"

Score: 14

TIL: You can use tampons to stuff bullet holes to stall bleeing before getting the person to the hospital. That's actually what tampons were originally used for. Then nurses were all, "Wait, I've got a bleeding hole too!"

Score: 14

A man calls the hospital and yells that her wife is in labour... The nurse tells him to calm down and asks "Is this her first child?" to which the man replies "NO THIS IS HER HUSBAND!"

Score: 18

It hasn't even made it through the senate... And Bronx-Lebanon Hospital is already rolling out Trumpcare.

Score: 6

A guy was admitted to hospital with 8 plastic horses in his stomach. His condition is now stable.

Score: 5

A man was admitted to the hospital with eight plastic horses in his stomach His condition is now stable

Score: 7

I was in the hospital bed when a nurse came up to me and said, "Would you like me to inform anyone that you're here?" I said, "Yes. The doctor."

Score: 20

Told my son to live every day like it was his last. Nobody can pull him out of that hospital bed.

Score: 3

Who's the coolest guy in a Hospital? The Ultra Sound guy.

Score: 5

A man is going to the hospital for an operation... He asks the doctor: "Doc, will I be able to play the piano after my operation?"
The doctor says yes.
He then says:"That's good! I couldn't before."

Score: 11

87 year old man makes love to a 20 year old girl Halfway through, he as aneurysm but finishes strong. The girl goes to visit him at the hospital.

Girl: I didn't know you had it in you! I'm impressed!

Man: I've still got some strokes left.

Score: 3

When doctors go on strike .... "Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!"

Score: 3

Post Your Chuck Norris Jokes Here Chuck Norris got shot. We are now in the hospital, where the bullet is in critical condition.

Score: 13

The hospital told me I needed a cardiac transplant, and initially I agreed to it. But then I had a change of heart.

Score: 9

I got banned from the hospital this morning Apparently "Stroke Patients Here:" Is not what your supposed to do!

Score: 6

Did you heard about the Indian chef that fell down from the stairs? He was curryed away to the hospital.

Score: 7

When you decide to take a small nap.. And wake up three days later in the hospital, because you were driving your car..

Score: 5

What do you call a mental hospital's corridors? Psycho paths

Score: 3

My Wife Handed Me A Crying Baby and Asked Me To Change Him. So I drove to the Hospital and asked for a replacement.

Score: 4

What’s the most common operation in a LEGO hospital? Plastic surgery.

Score: 14

When is the WORST time to meet your favorite celebrity? When you are an eight year old in the hospital.

Score: 3

My grandpa kicked the bucket yesterday, but he's still in the hospital. His toe injury was more severe than originally thought.

Score: 7

Why was the Sikh man in the hospital? He wasn't just Sikh, he was turbanally ill.

(I'm sorry)

Score: 12

Kentucky Fried Chicken just donated a large sum of money to a hospital I heard they are calling it the Chicken Wing

Score: 4

So what happened to the doctor? Good news, he made it to his hospital.

Bad news, he was the patient.

Score: 9

surgeon's disappointing holiday A famous surgeon went on a safari in Africa. When he came back, his colleagues asked him how it had been. "Oh, it was very disappointing"' he said. "I didn't kill a thing. I'd have been better off staying here in the hospital."

Score: 5

I broke up with my girlfriend who works as an anaesthetist in our local hospital. When I was with her I didn't feel anything.

Score: 5

Who's the coolest guy in the hospital? The ultra sound guy

Score: 3

A man walks in to a hospital And says to the doctor "I have five penises". The doctor asked him how his pants fitted. "Like a glove" he replied.

Score: 9

I once dreamed that I fell down a flight of stairs. I was so relieved when I woke up safely in the hospital.

Score: 7

I almost had to go the hospital today because a stranger threw a can of Pepsi at me... I'm just glad it was a soft drink. Otherwise, I would have had to get surgery.

Score: 4

A dyslexic boy walks into a toy store and asks for a "satr wars atcion figuer"... The manager tells him that dyslexia does not cause you to talk in misspelled words and took the boy to hospital where he was diagnosed with a brain tumour.

Score: 4

Why was the doctor forced to leave work early? The hospital ran all out of patience

Score: 4

FOX new has saved my legs! I got into a terridle car crash and and lost the use of my legs. When I was in the hospital, FOX news came on the TV. I got up to change the channel.

Score: 12

Kanye West hospitalised in Los Angeles. At this difficult time, our thoughts and prayers go out to... ...all the hospital staff.

Score: 6

Michael Jackson's last words "Take me to the children's hospital."

Score: 3

Why did the doctor go to hospital on Easter? Because he was Sikh

Score: 6

A blond couple is in the hospital and the wife is in labor... After a few laborious hours out pops a beautiful baby boy.
then, another!
Two beautiful twins!
however, the father is furious....
"Ok! who's the other guy you're seeing?!"

Score: 12

Former Olympic skier Pickabo Street donated money to a local hospital... Former Olympic skier Pickabo Street donated money to a local hospital. In gratitude, the hospital named their emergency ward after her-- it's now the Picabo ICU.

Score: 7

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