The hospital that my son is staying at got the Avengers to visit him. He’s also going to see Stan Lee next week!
An American tourist in Australia was in an accident.
The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?"
The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday."
As a Canadian..
Every time I hear a bad joke about being Canadian...
...I go right to the Hospital and get my feelings checked for free
A man has been admitted to hospital after shoving 6 toy horses up his arse. Doctors have described his condition as stable.
Kanye West was hospitalized... Our thoughts and prayers go out to the hospital staff at this difficult time.
A priest has a heart attack and is rushed to hospital
When he wakes up, he is being raced through the corridors on a gurney. Disoriented, he asks, "am I in heaven?"
"No, replies the nurse. "We're just taking a shortcut through the children's ward."
What’s the difference between a children’s hospital and an ISIS training camp? I dunno, I just fly the drones
What`s the difference between a Doctors Without Borders hospital and ISIS? How would I know, I`m just a US Air Force Operator.
A man is rushed to the hospital and is given blood.
When the man gets worse, a nurse goes running to the doctor, saying "We gave him the wrong blood!"
The doctor responds "Ah, must've been a Type-O!"
Did you hear about the 80 year old woman that tried to kill herself? She was told that the most effective way would be to shoot herself through the heart, just below her left breast... She woke up in hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
My brother won a prize for staying in a hospital bed for a really long time. He got a trophy.
My son called me saying he's in the hospital
"Mom, please don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital."
"Son, you're a doctor and you've been doing this joke for the past 5 years."
Woman is at a maternity hospital in a lot of pain.
Her husband strokes her back and says, "I'm sorry sweety, you have to go through this"
She says, "Don't worry. It's not your fault."
The Doctor made me walk again... Because I had to sell my car in order to pay the hospital bill
What has 2 legs in the morning, 4 legs in the afternoon, and 3 legs in the evening
The man I was doing surgery on
I got fired from the hospital
An old man is walking in the hospital...
An old man is walking in the hospital and talks to himself:
-aquarius?... no, no no... was it gemini?... naaah...
young doctor cant stand it anymore and walks to him:
-cancer grandpa, you got cancer!
A guy wakes up in hospital after surgery and complains he can't feel his legs
"I know" said the doctor.
"We had to amputate your arms"
A nurse in a mental hospital receives a call
A man says: "Miss, could you check if the patient in room 14 is still there?"
Nurse: "A moment please"
After a while,
Nurse: "No!! He's gone!!"
The man: "Good, looks like I really escaped this time...."
A man goes into hospital with 6 plastic horses up his butt......... The doctors described his condition as stable.
The ghost busters enterd the hospital to see their friend who has been diagnosed with cancer
When they walk in their stopped by a doctor who says
-Sorry no spawn camping
What do a farm and hospital have in common? Too many vegetables for one person to take care of.
A man wakes up in a hospital bed and yells “Doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replies “I know, I amputated your arms.”
Woman at a maternity hospital is in a lot of pain, moaning. The man strokes her back, “I’m so sorry sweetheart that you have to endure this…”
“Don’t worry Steve, it’s not your fault.”
Did you hear about the guy who landed in the hospital after shoving 8 plastic toy horses in his butt? His condition is stable.
A Kinect game made me angry enough to throw the controller at a wall... I've been in the hospital for 2 days now.
I'm writing this from the hospital Don't worry! The doctors say I'm going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
I'm not allowed to dress up as a superhero and visit the children's hospital anymore. And I put so much work into my Thanos costume.
I am in the hospital my younger brother swallowed a 16GB memory card and he is singing all songs in it. I just pray it doesn't reach the video folder.
Having heard that Steve Jobs is in hospital with only his Ipad to comfort him
I've decided to release the cure for pancreatic cancer into the public domain.
But only in flash.
Anytime I hear a mean joke about Canadians, I immediately go to the hospital to get my feelings checked. For free.
Apparently Stephen Hawking is in hospital after he went on a date last night... She stood him up.
Please pray for my mother-in-law. She was taken to hospital this morning. A bee landed on her face. Luckily she wasn't stung. I was too quick with the spade.
Grandma went to the hospital saying she felt a lump on her breast... Turns out it was her belt buckle.
My parents are perfectionists. They won't let me get away with anything less than an A+. I'm currently at the hospital getting a blood transfusion.
A Jewish man gets hit by a car...
in the back of the ambulance on the way to the hospital the paramedic asks "are you comfortable?"
the Jewish man shrugs. "I make a living."
My Dad has been admitted to hospital with 3 horses living inside him... Doctors have described his condition as "stable".
A man is on the phone to the hospital and says that his wife in in labor
The responder asks, "Is this her first child?"
He says, "No, this is her husband"
I’m in hospital at the moment Just a word of warning, the Dyson Ball cleaner is not what I thought it was
So my dad recently got a job at the hospital He’s doing circumcisions, i mean it doesn’t pay well but it does put scraps on the table
I got kicked out of the hospital today Apparently the sign "Stroke patients here" does not mean what I thought it meant.
A woman gives birth in the hospital to a beautiful baby boy. “I’d like to name him Jack”, she says to the Nurse. “I’m sorry,” said the Nurse “but that name is already taken. How about Jack573 or Jack_142?”
A man wakes up in the hospital after a bad car accident. The doctor tell him "Sir, I'm sorry to tell you, you were in a car accident and we had to amputate both of your arms. " The patient sighs and says: "Well doctor, that's a weight off my shoulders"
My coworker is in the hospital after eating a medium-well cooked cheeseburger It was my cheeseburger.
How can you distinguish between a hospital and a military base? Frankly I'm not sure - I'm just a drone pilot.
"You won't believe who I ran into today!"
"I don't know but she's in the hospital and I will probably lose my driving license."
I walked into the hotel when a chandelier feel on me... I was taken to the hospital with light injuries
A Snail was admitted to the hospital because he got ran over by a tortoise.
Doctor: You’ve finally woke up! Can you tell us what happened?
Snail: I really have no idea it all happened so quickly!
Did you hear about the boy who survived being run over by a monster truck? When reporters interviewed him at the hospital he was alert and said that he just felt very tired.
My great uncle died in the hospital because they didn’t know his blood type He held my hand through it all and said “Be positive”
I’m writing this from the hospital and the doctors said I’m extremely lucky. Today I fell off a 20ft ladder Lucky for me I was only on the first step, thanks for the thoughts and prayers
I was gonna have my baby at the hospital down town but then all the nurses quit and bought Corvettes. I guess they were having a midwife crisis.
So my ex wife was sick in the hospital and I decide to visit her. She was complaining that her body temperature has dropped below 30. So I told her not to worry since it's a standard body temperature for snakes.
I donated my kidneys
So a week ago i donated 1 kidney to the hospital they were really grateful and i saved a mans life.
So yesterday i donated 4 kidneys to the hospital and now the police wont leave me alone.
Ungrateful people these days
Every time an American makes fun of me for being Canadian I go to the nearest hospital and get myself checked for free.
I used to work at a psychiatric hospital
And this guy walks in wearing nothing but Saran wrap.
He tells the receptionist, “I think I need to see a psychiatrist.”
Receptionist replies, “no need for an evaluation. I can clearly see ur nuts.”
Just a John Cena joke
John Cena woke up in the hospital with no idea of what was going on.The nurse walked in and he asked
"Where am I?"
"No you don't "
The Avengers went to go and visit a child in the hospital on Friday. The lucky kid gets to meet Stan Lee on Saturday.
Two men are sharing a hospital room.
"What are you in here for?" the first man asks.
"I'm getting a circumcision ," his roommate replies.
"Damn," exclaims the first man. "I had that done to me when I was born, and I couldn't walk for a year."
Since we didn’t know his blood type, my father died in the hospital last night. It’s difficult, but I’m doing my best to pull through. His last words to me were to “Be positive.”
When our little girl was sick in hospital we bought her a lifetime supply of crayons. It cost $3.
Why did the Mexican man have to go to the hospital after taking 3 pills? Because it was an over dos.
What happens when a hospital runs out of labor and delivery nurses? They have a mid-wife crisis.
I called the hospital and pleaded, "Doctor! She's going into labor and her contractions are coming really fast! What should I do!?" "Is this her first child?" he asked. "No, this is her husband!"
What’s the difference between a hospital and a school? I don’t know, man. I just flew the drone.
Earlier today, a man was admitted to hospital due to 8 plastic horses found in his stomach His condition is now stable.
Apparently, Nintendo opened a hospital recently.
Oh, hey, I can hear their ambulance driving by now!
Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U...
My dad had a vasectomy because he didn't want kids anymore But when he got home from the hospital we were still there