Hospital Jokes

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Funniest Hospital Jokes

What's the most common operation in a LEGO hospital? Plastic surgery.

[Credits: My 11yo son invented this joke]

Score: 3752

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..." "Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

Score: 2480

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..." "Peter, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

Score: 1961

Whats the difference between an ISIS training camp and a children's hospital? I dunno, I just fly the drone...

Score: 1637

The hospital that my son is staying at got the Avengers to visit him. He’s also going to see Stan Lee next week!

Score: 1073

If you were a fruit, you would be a Fineapple. If you were a vegetable.... I would visit you every day in the hospital.

Score: 843
Funny Hospital Jokes
Score: 615

Oh, sure. My friend donates a kidney to the City Hospital, and he's treated like some hero. I donate five kidneys and I get arrested.

Score: 569

I got kicked out of the hospital. Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.

Score: 517

A friend of mine has been rushed to hospital, after eating a horse-burger. Apparently he is now in a stable condition.

Score: 493

Where is the worst place to hide in a hospital? In the ICU.

Score: 452

An Australian man wakes up in the hospital... ... he says, "Doctor, was I brought here to die?"
The doctor replies, "No, you were brought here yester-die"

Score: 374

An American tourist in Australia was in an accident. The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?"
The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday."

Score: 336

To all of you idiots out there that drive loud cars, we hate you and get off our roads. We don’t care how many “heart attack victims” you have to “take to the hospital.”

Score: 316

As a Canadian.. Every time I hear a bad joke about being Canadian...


...I go right to the Hospital and get my feelings checked for free

Score: 315

An old woman stopped me and asked "Excuse me, can you show me how to get to the hospital"?
I said "No problem"
Then I pushed her under a bus

Score: 305

Today, a friend of mine had to go to the hospital because he ate a pizza. *My* pizza.

Score: 293

Kanye West was hospitalized... Our thoughts and prayers go out to the hospital staff at this difficult time.

Score: 256

A priest has a heart attack and is rushed to hospital When he wakes up, he is being raced through the corridors on a gurney. Disoriented, he asks, "am I in heaven?"

"No, replies the nurse. "We're just taking a shortcut through the children's ward."

Score: 239

What’s the difference between a children’s hospital and an ISIS training camp? I dunno, I just fly the drones

Score: 228

What`s the difference between a Doctors Without Borders hospital and ISIS? How would I know, I`m just a US Air Force Operator.

Score: 227

A man is rushed to the hospital and is given blood. When the man gets worse, a nurse goes running to the doctor, saying "We gave him the wrong blood!"

The doctor responds "Ah, must've been a Type-O!"

Score: 218

My girlfriend is in the hospital after she ate a giant bacon cheese burger. It was mine.

Score: 209

What's the difference between a Taliban Base and a hospital? I don't know, I just fly the drone

Score: 206

"Mom, i'm in the hospital." "Jeremy, you have been a doctor for 8 years now please stop starting every phone conversation with that."

Score: 197

Doctor: "Your wife is in hospital!"... Me: "...How is she?"

Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical".

Me: "Oh, you get used to that...".

Score: 194

Did you hear about the 80 year old woman that tried to kill herself? She was told that the most effective way would be to shoot herself through the heart, just below her left breast... She woke up in hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Score: 194

In the hospital, I asked the charge nurse for a phone charger - she was very offended. Don't even get me started on the reaction from the head nurse.

Score: 192

My brother won a prize for staying in a hospital bed for a really long time. He got a trophy.

Score: 170

My son called me saying he's in the hospital "Mom, please don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital."

"Son, you're a doctor and you've been doing this joke for the past 5 years."

Score: 165

An old man is walking in the hospital... An old man is walking in the hospital and talks to himself:
-aquarius?... no, no no... was it gemini?... naaah...
young doctor cant stand it anymore and walks to him:
-cancer grandpa, you got cancer!

Score: 119

I once knew an Italian born with a toe growing out of his knee. So his mom, being hilarious, named him.... Just kidding, she left him at the hospital.

Score: 21

My great uncle died in the hospital because they didn’t know his blood type He held my hand through it all and said “Be positive”

Score: 15

A kid is dying at a hospital and wanta to meet eminem. The nurse then says

"He's pretty busy but you are going to meet Tupac real soon."

Score: 6

surgeon's disappointing holiday A famous surgeon went on a safari in Africa. When he came back, his colleagues asked him how it had been. "Oh, it was very disappointing"' he said. "I didn't kill a thing. I'd have been better off staying here in the hospital."

Score: 5

Why was the doctor forced to leave work early? The hospital ran all out of patience

Score: 4

Kentucky Fried Chicken just donated a large sum of money to a hospital I heard they are calling it the Chicken Wing

Score: 4

A hysterical man calls a hospital "Please come quickly! Kailey is pregnant and her labor started now, it’s really intense!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the operator.

"No you dumbass! It’s her husband!"

Score: 4

A man is approached at a hospital “How tall are you?”

“5’8”, doctor.”

“Oh, I’m very sorry; but I’m not the doctor. I’m the carpenter.”

Score: 3

I can't get into details right now, but earlier this week I received the single, greatest phone call of my life. Then just 5 minutes later, I got another call telling me that my dad is in the hospital... I said, "Yeah, I just heard"

Score: 3

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New Hospital Jokes

What do you call a hospital volunteer with a cocaine habit? A nose candy striper.

[and no, not stripper. that would be too many levels. And you couldn't tell it to your Sunday school members]

Score: 2

I work at a hospital. The staff are really stressed out and are being passive aggressive toward each other. They keep telling each other to be positive.

Score: 1

Why do nurses not tell jokes about community masks at the hospital? They're not safe for work.

Score: 2

A crazy man was in a mental hospital, received an envelope, opened it and took out a blank piece of paper. He looked at his roommate and said: -"It's my brother, we haven't spoken in 6 months..."

Score: 0

John Cena wakes up in the hospital with no idea of what was going on... The nurse walked in and he asked "Where am I?"

She responded "ICU"

He replied "No you don't."

Score: 0

An elderly man walked into a bar He then was driven to the hospital

Score: 0

WHAT HAPPEND TO A MAN THAT THOUGHT HE WAS SUPERMAN He jumped off a skyscraper and found himself flying to the hospital

Score: 0

Hospital called to tell me the Mother I. Law was had been admitted. “How is she?” I ask
“Critical” comes the reply
“Hmm no change there then”

Score: 0

How to call a situation when a hospital has a lot of liver prepared for transplantation? Liverpool.

Score: 1

So I was watching Infinity War in the Theater and all of a sudden these guys in blue escort me outside I'm not visiting that Hospital again

Score: 1

A moth breaks his arm, how did he travel to the Moth hospital? Using an ambulamp

Score: 2

John Cena is contacted yet again by Make A Wish It seems little Timmy is about to f-ing die. His last wish is to meet John Cena. John hurries to the hospital.

John Cena: Where is little Timmy?

Nurse: ICU.

John Cena: YOU CAN'T SEE ME!

Score: 2

What is an opthamologist's favorite location in a hospital? ICU

Score: 2

Why did Spiderman go to the hospital? He wasn't feeling too good.

Score: 2

My Japanese friend met with an accident I vdecided to visit him in the hospital. When I entered his room he started saying "watashi no sanso chubu kara oriru" over and over until he died. Apparently it means "get off from my oxygen tube".

Score: 2

Where do Calculus professors go when they get hurt? L’Hospital

Score: 1

If a hospital runs out of rooms, don’t worry There’s an emergency room

Score: 2

Where do calculus students go when they're injured? To L'Hospital.



(Yes, I'm aware the true pronunciation is loh-pi-tal)

Score: 1

There's a new hospital building in California named after a famous cartoon character the Scooby Dooby Doo ICU.

Score: 2

Did you hear about the amputee who escaped the hospital after being fitted with his prosthetics? You might want to watch out. News reports claim that he is armed and dangerous

Score: 1

What's the worst place where someone can loose their patience? In the hospital.

Score: 0

I heard George Bush Senior is in the hospital in critical condition... I guess some people really would rather die than watch Trump be sworn in this Friday.

Score: 2

John Cena wakes up and finds himself in a hospital Cena: "Where am I?"
Nurse: "ICU."
Cena: "No you don't."

Score: 0

Why did the french geologist have to go to the hospital? He had Gaul stones.

Score: 2

After Kanye was released from the hospital for exhaustion what was his diagnosis? He had a Yeez-ynfection.

Score: 1

Why did the large animal vet hospital go out of business? Too many HIPPO violations.

Score: 1

You know what's most rewarding about working at a children's hospital? Meeting celebrities

Score: 1

Everytime i hear a mean joke about canadaians i goto the hospital and get my feelings checked. ...for free...

Score: 0

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