Hospital Jokes

Contents

Funniest Hospital Jokes

John Cena wakes up at a hospital John Cena: Where am I

Nurse: ICU

John Cena: No you can’t

The hospital that my son is staying at got the Avengers to visit him. He’s also going to see Stan Lee next week!

Funny Hospital Jokes

An American tourist in Australia was in an accident. The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?"
The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday."

As a Canadian.. Every time I hear a bad joke about being Canadian...


...I go right to the Hospital and get my feelings checked for free

A man has been admitted to hospital after shoving 6 toy horses up his arse. Doctors have described his condition as stable.

Today, a friend of mine had to go to the hospital because he ate a pizza. *My* pizza.

Kanye West was hospitalized... Our thoughts and prayers go out to the hospital staff at this difficult time.

A priest has a heart attack and is rushed to hospital When he wakes up, he is being raced through the corridors on a gurney. Disoriented, he asks, "am I in heaven?"

"No, replies the nurse. "We're just taking a shortcut through the children's ward."

What’s the difference between a children’s hospital and an ISIS training camp? I dunno, I just fly the drones

What`s the difference between a Doctors Without Borders hospital and ISIS? How would I know, I`m just a US Air Force Operator.

A man is rushed to the hospital and is given blood. When the man gets worse, a nurse goes running to the doctor, saying "We gave him the wrong blood!"

The doctor responds "Ah, must've been a Type-O!"

My girlfriend is in the hospital after she ate a giant bacon cheese burger. It was mine.

A man goes into the hospital with 6 plastic horses up his bum. The doctors described his condition as stable.

Did you hear about the 80 year old woman that tried to kill herself? She was told that the most effective way would be to shoot herself through the heart, just below her left breast... She woke up in hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

My brother won a prize for staying in a hospital bed for a really long time. He got a trophy.

My son called me saying he's in the hospital "Mom, please don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital."

"Son, you're a doctor and you've been doing this joke for the past 5 years."

Woman is at a maternity hospital in a lot of pain. Her husband strokes her back and says, "I'm sorry sweety, you have to go through this"

She says, "Don't worry. It's not your fault."

The Doctor made me walk again... Because I had to sell my car in order to pay the hospital bill

What has 2 legs in the morning, 4 legs in the afternoon, and 3 legs in the evening The man I was doing surgery on

I got fired from the hospital

An old man is walking in the hospital... An old man is walking in the hospital and talks to himself:
-aquarius?... no, no no... was it gemini?... naaah...
young doctor cant stand it anymore and walks to him:
-cancer grandpa, you got cancer!

A guy wakes up in hospital after surgery and complains he can't feel his legs "I know" said the doctor.
"We had to amputate your arms"

A nurse in a mental hospital receives a call A man says: "Miss, could you check if the patient in room 14 is still there?"

Nurse: "A moment please"

After a while,
Nurse: "No!! He's gone!!"
The man: "Good, looks like I really escaped this time...."

A man goes into hospital with 6 plastic horses up his butt......... The doctors described his condition as stable.

The ghost busters enterd the hospital to see their friend who has been diagnosed with cancer When they walk in their stopped by a doctor who says
-Sorry no spawn camping

What do a farm and hospital have in common? Too many vegetables for one person to take care of.

A man wakes up in a hospital bed and yells “Doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replies “I know, I amputated your arms.”

The baby Woman at a maternity hospital is in a lot of pain, moaning. The man strokes her back, “I’m so sorry sweetheart that you have to endure this…” 

“Don’t worry Steve, it’s not your fault.”

Did you hear about the guy who landed in the hospital after shoving 8 plastic toy horses in his butt? His condition is stable.

`That cut looks bad. You should go to the hospital for stitches. "Nah."
"Fine, suture self."

A Kinect game made me angry enough to throw the controller at a wall... I've been in the hospital for 2 days now.

I'm writing this from the hospital Don't worry! The doctors say I'm going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!

I'm not allowed to dress up as a superhero and visit the children's hospital anymore. And I put so much work into my Thanos costume.

I am in the hospital my younger brother swallowed a 16GB memory card and he is singing all songs in it. I just pray it doesn't reach the video folder.

Having heard that Steve Jobs is in hospital with only his Ipad to comfort him I've decided to release the cure for pancreatic cancer into the public domain.

But only in flash.

Anytime I hear a mean joke about Canadians, I immediately go to the hospital to get my feelings checked. For free.

Apparently Stephen Hawking is in hospital after he went on a date last night... She stood him up.

Please pray for my mother-in-law. She was taken to hospital this morning. A bee landed on her face. Luckily she wasn't stung. I was too quick with the spade.

Grandma went to the hospital saying she felt a lump on her breast... Turns out it was her belt buckle.

My parents are perfectionists. They won't let me get away with anything less than an A+. I'm currently at the hospital getting a blood transfusion.

Popular Topics

New Hospital Jokes

You would think if a girl undresses you, that would be a sign of consent right? But the hospital says otherwise

My Dad has been admitted to hospital with 3 horses living inside him... Doctors have described his condition as "stable".

A man is on the phone to the hospital and says that his wife in in labor The responder asks, "Is this her first child?"

He says, "No, this is her husband"

I’m in hospital at the moment Just a word of warning, the Dyson Ball cleaner is not what I thought it was

My bird hospital was shut down by the city. They said it was due to ill eagle activity.

If you play hide and seek in a hospital what area should you avoid The ICU

So my dad recently got a job at the hospital He’s doing circumcisions, i mean it doesn’t pay well but it does put scraps on the table

I got kicked out of the hospital today Apparently the sign "Stroke patients here" does not mean what I thought it meant.

A woman gives birth in the hospital to a beautiful baby boy. “I’d like to name him Jack”, she says to the Nurse. “I’m sorry,” said the Nurse “but that name is already taken. How about Jack573 or Jack_142?”

A man wakes up in the hospital after a bad car accident. The doctor tell him "Sir, I'm sorry to tell you, you were in a car accident and we had to amputate both of your arms. " The patient sighs and says: "Well doctor, that's a weight off my shoulders"

My coworker is in the hospital after eating a medium-well cooked cheeseburger It was my cheeseburger.

How can you distinguish between a hospital and a military base? Frankly I'm not sure - I'm just a drone pilot.

"You won't believe who I ran into today!" "Who?"

"I don't know but she's in the hospital and I will probably lose my driving license."

I walked into the hotel when a chandelier feel on me... I was taken to the hospital with light injuries

I was just rushed to the hospital I accidentally got in front of the punchline.

A Snail was admitted to the hospital because he got ran over by a tortoise. Doctor: You’ve finally woke up! Can you tell us what happened?

Snail: I really have no idea it all happened so quickly!

Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can’t hide? The I.C.U.

Did you hear about the boy who survived being run over by a monster truck? When reporters interviewed him at the hospital he was alert and said that he just felt very tired.

My great uncle died in the hospital because they didn’t know his blood type He held my hand through it all and said “Be positive”

Do you know where in the hospital the invisible man can't hide? The I.C.U

I’m writing this from the hospital and the doctors said I’m extremely lucky. Today I fell off a 20ft ladder Lucky for me I was only on the first step, thanks for the thoughts and prayers

I was gonna have my baby at the hospital down town but then all the nurses quit and bought Corvettes. I guess they were having a midwife crisis.

So my ex wife was sick in the hospital and I decide to visit her. She was complaining that her body temperature has dropped below 30. So I told her not to worry since it's a standard body temperature for snakes.

I donated my kidneys So a week ago i donated 1 kidney to the hospital they were really grateful and i saved a mans life.
So yesterday i donated 4 kidneys to the hospital and now the police wont leave me alone.
Smh
Ungrateful people these days

I took a urine test at the hospital the other day Man, my kleptomania is out of control.

Every time an American makes fun of me for being Canadian I go to the nearest hospital and get myself checked for free.

I used to work at a psychiatric hospital And this guy walks in wearing nothing but Saran wrap.

He tells the receptionist, “I think I need to see a psychiatrist.”

Receptionist replies, “no need for an evaluation. I can clearly see ur nuts.”

Just a John Cena joke John Cena woke up in the hospital with no idea of what was going on.The nurse walked in and he asked
"Where am I?"
She responded
"ICU"
He said
"No you don't "

The Avengers went to go and visit a child in the hospital on Friday. The lucky kid gets to meet Stan Lee on Saturday.

Two men are sharing a hospital room. "What are you in here for?" the first man asks.

"I'm getting a circumcision ," his roommate replies.

"Damn," exclaims the first man. "I had that done to me when I was born, and I couldn't walk for a year."

Since we didn’t know his blood type, my father died in the hospital last night. It’s difficult, but I’m doing my best to pull through. His last words to me were to “Be positive.”

Why did Thor leave the hospital after he lost all his powers? Because he was discharged

When our little girl was sick in hospital we bought her a lifetime supply of crayons. It cost $3.

Why did the Mexican man have to go to the hospital after taking 3 pills? Because it was an over dos.

I got arrested at a hospital yesterday. Apparently, the “ stroke patient” sign is not a request one.

What happens when a hospital runs out of labor and delivery nurses? They have a mid-wife crisis.

I called the hospital and pleaded, "Doctor! She's going into labor and her contractions are coming really fast! What should I do!?" "Is this her first child?" he asked. "No, this is her husband!"

What’s the difference between a hospital and a school? I don’t know, man. I just flew the drone.

Earlier today, a man was admitted to hospital due to 8 plastic horses found in his stomach His condition is now stable.

Apparently, Nintendo opened a hospital recently. Oh, hey, I can hear their ambulance driving by now!

Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U...

Popular Topics

Long Hospital Jokes

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.

Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."

Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."

Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."

Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."

Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"

Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

Chinese doctor opens his new clinic.

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.

Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."

Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."

Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."

Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."

Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"

Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.

He wakes up as he’s being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.

“Am I in heaven?” asks the disoriented priest.

“No” says one of the nurses. “We’re just taking a short cut through the children’s ward.”

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He was asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try out for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeon’s office

“Can I help you?” He asked.

“I keep thinking that I’m a moth.” I replied.

“You probably want a Psychiatrist for that.”

“Yeah, I know.”

He looked confused. “Then why are you here?”

“The light was on.”

A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.

Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times.

Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets.

The woman gets well soon and gives birth to three healthy triplets, two girls and one boy. The incident at the bank gets forgotten over the time.

Fourteen years later, one of the daughters comes to her mother, obviously upset: "Mommy, mommy!"

M: "What's the matter, sweetie?"

D: "I had to pee, but there was a 'pling' and I found a bullet in the bowl. "

M: "Don't worry, this won't happen again."

One week later, the second daughter runs to her mother, upset: "Mommy, mommy!"

M: "What's the matter, sweetie?"

D: "I had to pee, but there was a 'pling' and I found a bullet in the bowl. "

M: "Don't worry, this won't happen again."

Another week later, the son comes to his mother, also upset: "Mommy, mommy!'

M: "What's the matter, sweetie? No, wait, let me guess. You had to pee and found a bullet in the bowl?"

S: "No, but I was jerking off and shot the cat!"

A Maori Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital , so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside:

'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
A guy walking past sees the sign and thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100, so he goes into the clinic.

Guy: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Guy: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Doc; "Chur, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."

The annoyed guy goes back after a few days to recover his money.

Guy: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."

Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."

Guy (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."

Doc; "Chuuur. You got your memory back. Give me $20."

The fuming guy pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Guy: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."

Doc; "oh well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."

Guy (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"

Doc; "Chuuuur, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don’t know what to do.

About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

The doctor says to the woman, “I know what we’ll do. After I’ve operated on the priest, I’ll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.”

“Do you think it will work?” she asks the doctor.

“It’s worth a try,” he says.

So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, “Father, you’re not going to believe this.”

“What?” says the priest. “What happened?”

“You gave birth to a child.”

“But that’s impossible!”

“I just did the operation,” insists the doctor. “It’s a miracle! Here’s your baby.”

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth.

One day he sits the boy down and says, “Son, I have something to tell you. I’m not your father.”

The son says, “What do you mean, you’re not my father?”

The priest replies, “I’m your mother. The archbishop is your father.”

A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.

“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”

The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”

“We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”

"My Daddy Plays Piano in a Whorehouse"

Mrs. Jacobson, a prim and proper, straightlaced lady, is a teacher of Grade Four students. One of the lessons is about the types of different jobs adults have...sort of a "what do you want to be when you grow up" type of lesson.

Part of it was asking the students what their parents do for a living.

"Sally, what does you father do?"

Sally proudly answers, "My Daddy is a Real Estate agent, and he helps people sell the house they own now, and buy a better house."

"Very good, Sally," replies Mrs Jacobson. "Jimmy, how about you? What does your father do?"

Jimmy smiles and says, "He works in a laboratory in a hospital and helps the doctors find out exactly how people are sick, so the doctors can help them get better."

Johnny has been sitting at his desk, shoulders slumped and staring down. He's asked, but mumbles something incoherent.

"I'm sorry, Johnny, I didn't hear you. Could you speak up?"

Johnny blurts out, "I said 'My Daddy plays piano in a whorehouse!'"

Mrs. Jacobson turns white as a sheet, and the whole class goes silent. She marches up to Johnny's desk, rips a piece of paper from his notebook, and scribbles a few lines.

Folding it, she hands it to Johnny, and firmly commands, "Young man, you take this note down to the Principal's Office right this minute. Go straight there, and you tell him that I sent you." She walks briskly to the door and opens it, glaring at Johnny as he meekly walks past her into the hallway.

He enters the Office, and one of the secretaries asks why he's at the office. "Mrs. Jacobson sent me," and hands over the note. The secretary reads it, gasps, and takes it into the Principal's office. She comes back and says, "The Principal wishes to see you in his office, *right now*."

Johnny walks into the office, and the Principal tells him to close the door, and take a seat. There is an awkward few moments of silence, as the Principal looks at Johnny, then at the note, then back at Johnny.

The principal asks, "Johnny, your father doesn't really play piano in a whorehouse, does he?"

"No, Sir." Johnny admits. "He plays defense for the Cleveland Browns, but there's no way I'm telling them THAT."

A Chinese doctor opens his new clinic.

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Doctor: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.

Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."

Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."

Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."

Doctor: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."

Doctor: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."

Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"

Doctor: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20."

While on vacation in Spain with my wife..

I I started to feel funny. I had some pain in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day we had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed.

It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart attack. I thought for sure I would die because the nearest hospital was 1/2 hour away. Suddenly from the back room came a woman wielding defibrillators. She shouted to the other staff to help and they ripped off my shirt and restarted my heart right there in the hotel.

The ambulance arrived 20 minutes later, but thanks to this amazing woman my life had been saved. I spent the night in the hospital but I got out around noon the next day. I went back to the hotel to thank this woman.

I said, “I’m amazed that a hotel this small has a full time doctor as skilled as yourself!”

She replied, “No one expects the Spanish Inn physician.”

Top 20 worst jokes ever !!!!

The 20 Worst Jokes Ever!

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
You, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does
this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not
Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says
to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were
nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn’t find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know
you can't I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other
and says Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire
in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand
chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself
to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate
very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from
bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good. . .) A
super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different
puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make
them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!

Once upon a time ...

Once upon a time ..a small boy named Basheer lived in a tiny Moroccan village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him "you are driving me crazy Basheer"...

One day his mother went to check out how he is doing at school and the teacher told her honestly that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her whole career...

The mother could not accept such a feed back and she took her son out from that school. she even shifted to another city ...

25 years later, that teacher got a cardio disorder and all the doctors have advised her to go for an open heart operation which only one surgeon could perform..

Left with no other choice she did it and the surgery was successful ...when she opened her eyes, she saw a handsome doctor smiling to her, being under anesthesia effect, she wanted to thank him but could not talk, in turn, he was staring at her face which started turning blue, she was raising her hand trying to tell him some thing but in vain and eventually died...

The doctor was shocked and was trying to understand what just happened, till he turned back and saw our friend Basheer working as a cleaner in that hospital who unplugged the ventilator to connect his vacuum cleaner......

If you were thinking that Basheer became a doctor, its because you have been reading too many motivational forward messages

A horse named Boris.

Once upon a time, there was a horse named Boris.

Boris used to be a famous race horse. He'd won countless trophies, and was famous across the world.

Then, suddenly, at the peak of his career, Boris was involved in a horrible accident. Between races his private jet was hijacked and crashed, and only Boris survived. However, Boris was devastated. His friends, his family, and his colleagues had all been lost on one fell swoop.

"I'll never race again!" he vowed.

So Boris quit his job, and found an old farmer who agreed to take him in. Old Farmer John was his name, and he loved Boris like a son.

However, the incident in Boris' past had led him to a life of recluse. He was fearful that everything would go wrong again, and so he spent every day in the barn.

And Old Farmer John took pity on Boris, and so he decided something.

Every week, Old Farmer John would go onto the town to sell his produce. And every week, he would set aside a small amount of money for Boris.

And every week, he would buy Boris a present, in the hope that one day, he'd be reminded of the wonderful life outside the barn, and he'd be happy again.

One thing he bought Boris was a CD player.

Another was a brand new computer..

But the best thing he ever gave to Boris was this:

Ten gallons of beer.

Let me explain.

On his many trips to town, Old Farmer John would pass a pub. It was called The Fine Race Horse, and among those who drank there, it was famed for having the best beer... In the world.

But it was only a small pub, and as such it wasn't visited by very many people, and it one day went out of business.

And when Old Farmer John heard this, he immediately got up and went into town, and spoke to the old owner. And John agreed to buy all his remaining beer.

And so, John came back from town one day, and gave Boris the beer. He'd never seen Boris so happy. It made his heart rejoice.

And for months, Boris would talk about this beer, and how it was the best gift he'd ever been given.

But one day, Old Farmer John came home with a brand new guitar. And Boris remembered the CD player he'd been given, and he remembered his favourite songs.

And Boris picked up the guitar, and he began to play a song.

And he was __good__.

And after hearing his song, John went over to Boris and said

"that was the best thing I've ever heard. You should go out into town and see the record company about starting a band!"

At first, Boris was hesitant. But eventually, he decided that Old Farmer John was right. He'd been his barn for so long. But now it was time for him to rise to fame again!

So he packed a few things, and grabbed his guitar and got on the next bus into town.

And on the way, he met a pig.

The pig's name was David, and David could play the drums.

And just like Boris, David the pig was on his way into town trying to make his name as a musician.

So Boris said

"hey, why don't we team up and make a band, after all, we're both animals with a talent. We could be the next big thing!"

And David agreed, and the two of them continued on into town.

At the next stop, a Hen got onto the bus. And her name was Sophie, and Sophie liked to sing.

She knew all the words to all the songs in the world.

And so, Boris the Horse and David the Pig went over to Sophie the Hen and said

"hey, why don't we team up and make a band, after all, we're all animals with a talent. We could be the next big thing!"

And Sophie agreed, and the three of them went to the record store, and started their band.

And they were an instant hit. They became a worldwide phenomenon almost overnight. They scored TV deals and sponsorships, and once again Boris had reached the life of fame.

They toured with all sorts of other famous bands, appearing alongside the likes of The Rolling Stones and Electric Light Orchestra.

And then, one day, they got the biggest deal of their lives.

They got invited to go on a world tour. They would play their music in every country on earth. By the time they were done, the whole world would know their name.

And so, of they went, from one country to the next, playing their music every step of the way.

They played in every city and in every town. And the Horse, the Hen and the Pig became a household name.

And when they got back home, they knew, they had reached the peak of their careers.

And they kept touring, playing in many countries across the globe.

But one day, everything changed.

One day, before they were set to fly out for their next performance, Boris received a phone call from the hospital in his home town.

And he found out that Old Farmer John had passed away.

So he decided to head back home so could Bury the man he treated like a father. So he said to Sophie and David

"you go on ahead, I'll be with you in a day or two."

So the pig and the hen went of in their private jet, and Boris the Horse went home to Bury Old Farmer John.

But when he got home, he was in for a shock.

He received a call from his agent, and discovered that the private jet that David and Sophie were on had exploded in a freak accident, and there were no survivors.

And Boris was struck with grief.

For the second time in his life, he had lost everyone he loved.

And he became depressed, and stumbled into his old barn, and decided to take his own life.

But then he saw something that stopped him.

Because in the old barn, was the huge tank that once contained the 10 gallons of beer.

And so, Boris decided that instead of suicide, he would have a few drinks, and would go on and turn his life around.

So Boris goes into town, and sees the pub, The Fine Race Horse, and underneath the sign on the door, he sees another sign, saying "grand re-opening."

And Boris knows that this is where he will have his beers, and forget all his sorrows, and turn his life around.

And so Boris the Horse enters the bar. And the bartender takes a look at him, and he asks

"why the long face?"

A Russian is digging around an old battlefield.

He occasionally finds bits of metal worth scrapping, or something interesting enough to keep. Today, he finds a small clump of smooth metal, only a few inches wide. He tosses it from hand to hand, appreciating the way the morning light glares against the surface of the metal. The man wonders if there might be something inside the smooth shell, so he takes it in both hands and pulls with all his might...

Suddenly there is a blinding flash and a deafening explosion. Pain floods the man's body as he looks around and sees that both of his arms have been flung at least 10 feet away. Everything turns to black as he hears shouts of alarm in the distance.

The man wakes up in a hospital 3 days later. Doctors tell him that they were unable to reattach his arms, and he needs to get accustomed to the idea of a life without those limbs. The man curses himself for forgetting one small, ever so important fact that day...

In Soviet Russia, bomb disarms you!

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital…

He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.

"Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."

A married couple rushes to the hospital...

because the wife is going into labor. When they arrive, the doctor tells them that the hospital is looking for couples to try out this new machine that transfers a percentage of the mother's pain to the father during childbirth. The couple readily agrees to use it.

When the birthing process starts, the doctor goes ahead and says, "Okay, let's start easy. Transferring 20% of the pain to the father."

After a few minutes, the husband, seeing that his wife is still in a lot of pain, asks for more.

The doctor says, "Okay, transferring 40% of the pain to the father."

The husband, noticing that he is feeling totally fine and his wife is still in pain, asks for more.

"Okay, transferring 70% to the father."

After a few more minutes, the husband tells the doctor, "Doc, I can handle this, give me all of it."

So the doctor transfers 100% of the pain to the father. The husband seems completely normal, and the wife ends up giving birth with relatively zero pain. Happily, the couple heads home.

When they arrive, they find the mailman dead on the porch.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s pain to the baby’s father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%.

However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and “kick it up a notch.”

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 50% pain transfer. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, their neighbor was dead on the porch.

Doctor's Affair

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."

Popular Topics