Little Johnny Jokes

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Funniest Little Johnny Jokes

What did little Johnny's mother do when she caught him zapping the other children with static electricity? She grounded him.

Little Johnny The teacher came up to Johnny's desk and asked can you tell me what separates you from a monkey.

Johnny said with confidence "the desk".

I asked little Johnny why he started doing so well in math after we sent him to the Christian school. He said he didn't want to end up like the guy they nailed to the plus sign.

Little Johnny is back In the class the teacher said: "the first person to answer my question will go home early".

Little Johnny threw his bag outside.

Teacher asked: "Whose bag is that???"

Johnny answered: "It's mine....
bye bye!"

Little Johnny's teacher asks "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didn't punish him?"

Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe!"

Little Johnny's Game Little Johnny comes running into the house and asks, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," says his mom, "of course not." Little Johnny runs back outside yelling to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

$200 Little Johnny was in his maths class one day when the teacher said to him "If I gave you $200," the teacher began," and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally, $50 to Susan and $50 to Amy, what would you have?"

"An orgy," Johnny answered.

Little Johnny When I was a boy, I prayed, and prayed, for a bike but never got one. Then I realized that God don't work that way. So I stole a bike, then asked for forgiveness.

Little Johnny: "Grandma, make a sound like a Frog." Grandma: "Why?" Little Johnny: "Cause daddy says we'll make a lot of money when you croak."

Funny Little Johnny Jokes

Little Johnny and His Baby Sister Little Johnny's newborn baby sister just wouldn't stop crying one day.

Annoyed, Little Johnny asked his mom where they had got her from.

"From Heaven," replied his mom.

"Well, I can see why they threw her out!"

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, Mom, can little girls have babies?” “No, of course not” she said. Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, “It’s okay! We can play that game!”

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence with an 'i' in it. Little Johnny: I is...

Teacher: No, Johnny, when you say 'i', it should be followed by 'am'.

Little Johnny: Okay, I am the 9th letter of the alphabet.

Little Johnny kills a butterfly His dad says, "No butter for one week!" Little Johnny kills a honeybee. Dad says, "No honey for one week!" Mom kills a cockroach. Little Johnny turns to his dad and says, "shall I break the news to her?"

On the Bus Little Johnny says, "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
"Well, you've done the right thing," says Mommy.
"But Mommy, I was sitting on Daddy's lap."

Little Johnny told his parent "I'm a grown up now, I am ready to live by myself" His parent, being very proud of their son, said "Well that's great! We have no reason to stop you"

To which he replied "Awesome! Your luggage is at the front door"

Little Johnny asked one day, "Mommy can little girls give birth?" "No son. Of course not"

"Oh OK... Hey Susie! Its OK to keep playing the game now!"

Little Johnny walked into class with only one shoe. The teacher asks Johnny with a chuckle,
“What happened? Did you lose a shoe?”
Johnny looks up and responds,
“No ma’am, I found one.”

Little Johnny's teacher asks him to make a sentence using the following words: defeat, deduct, defense and detail.

Little Johnny says, "De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail."

Dad Jokes anyone! Little Johnny: Will you marry me?

Susie: You have to ask my father first.

Little Johnny: (later) Well, I asked him.

Susie: And what did he say?

Little Johnny: He said he’s already married.

Little Johnny is in the backyard digging a big hole His mom says "Why are you digging that hole?"

"It's for my dead goldfish"

"But why is the hole so big?"

"He's inside your goddamn cat!"

Little Johnny yells upstairs: "Dad, there's a salesman here with a moustache." "Tell him I've got one."

Little johnny is asked to use the word contagious in a sentence. My dad was watching my mom cut the grass out the front window.
He was yelling, at the rate she's cutting the grass, It's going to take that contagious.

Why couldn't little Johnny get the toy he saw on TV? His parents weren't 18 or older.

Who answers my next question, can go home. In class the teacher says:
- "Who answers my next question, can go home."
Little Johnny throws his bag out the window.
- "Who just threw that?"
- "Me and I’m going home now."

Little Johnny asked his teacher, "should I get in trouble for something I didn't do?" "Well if you really didn't do it, I think not," said the teacher.

"Well good," little Johnny replied, "because I didn't do my homework."

"Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!" *Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?" Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

Little Johnny was running behind for his weekly trip to the prostitute When he got there, she said

"Eh Jack! You late!"

Little Johnny calls for his mom "MOM! MOM!"

"What is it Johnny?"

"Does Grandma know anything about car mechanics?"

"No, why?"

"She's outside, under a bus"

Little Johnny raises his hand in class one day... and asks "Teacher, will you punish me for something I didn't do?"

"Of course not" says the teacher.

"Good," says Little Johnny, "cause I didn't do my homework."

"Mommy! Mommy! Little Johnny pulled down his pants and showed me his thingy!" "Oh? That's... *weird*. Well, what did you think of it?"

"It reminded me of a peanut!"

"Ha ha! Because it was so tiny?"

"No. Salty."

Five year old Little Johnny was lost.. Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The policeman said, "What's he like?"

Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"

"Little Johnny, why weren't you in school yesterday?" "Little Johnny, why weren't you in school yesterday?"

"My dad got burnt."

"Oh, that's terrible. I hope he wasn't burned too badly."

"Nah. They really know what they're doing at those crematoriums."

Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!

Little Johnny raises his hand in class… "Teacher!"

"Yes, Johnny."

"Would you ever punish me for something I didn't do?"

"Of course not!"

"Good! Because I *didn't* do my homework!"

Teacher asks students ... ... if there are any fools in this class please stand up.

Nobody stands up .

After 10 seconds , little Johnny stands up .

Then teacher says , "aha so you are a fool ".

Johnny says , " ma'am I felt sorry for you standing all alone ... "

:)

Little Johnny One day, Little Johnny went to his dad and said to him, "Dad, when I grow up, I want to marry Grandma."

His dad replied, "Johnny, you can't marry my mother!"

Johnny said to him "But you married my mother. How is this any different?"

Mrs. Jones was giving a spelling test to her third grade class... “How do you spell the word ‘straight’?” asked Mrs. Jones.

Little Johnny shouts, “S-T-R-A-I-G-H-T!!”

“Excellent job Johnny! And what does that word mean?”

“Without ice.”

Little Johnny asks the teacher, "Mrs Roberts, can I be punished for something I haven't done?"

Mrs Roberts is shocked, "Of course not, Johnny, that would be very unfair!"

Little Johnny is relieved, "OK Mrs Roberts, sorry, I haven't done my homework."

Little Johnny tells his friend, "My grandpa died yesterday." Friend asks, "Oh, how did that happen?"

Johnny, "He hit his thumb with a hammer."

Friend, "But you can't die of that!"

Johnny, "I know but he wouldn't stop screaming and cursing so we shot him."

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New Little Johnny Jokes

You walk past an empty room in a crowded school,what is the cause? It was an anti-Vax classroom.Little Johnny sneezed this morning.

Little Johnny comes running into the house and asks, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," says his mom, "of course not." Little Johnny runs back outside yelling to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

Little Johnny was sick of his long hair during quarantine, so he yelled at his mom: "MOM, I NEED A DAMN HAIRCUT!"

"You are right son, me too. I'm your dad."

Little Johnny is in math class The teacher asks him :
- Walmart sells two dozen bottles of wine at $2 a bottle, how much is that ?

- At home, it's about four days ma'am!

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Little Johnny raised hand. and replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Teacher: “Who do you think invented dancing, children?” Little Johnny: “My guess is a big Irish family with just one bathroom.”

Little Johnny: 'mum, I need to go to the toilet,' Mum: 'ok hang on....I'll help you in a minute'

Johnny: 'i want grandpa to take me, his hand shakes'

An English teacher asks Little Johnny “Make an opposite of this sentence: ‘Kids in the dark usually make errors.’” - Little Johnny: “Errors in the dark usually make children."

Little Johnny goes up to Dad… … and asks "Dad, what is a transsexuel person?" Dad starts grinning an says "Ask Mom, he'll explain."

Teacher: Kids, what do you get from the chicken? Kids: Eggs!
Teacher: Very good! Now what do you get from the fat pig?
Kids: Bacon!
Teacher: Great! And what do you get from the fat cow?
Little Johnny: Homework!

Teacher: "Little Johnny, give me a sentence using the word, 'geometry.'" Little Johnny: "A little acorn grew and grew until it finally awoke one day and said, 'Gee, I'm a tree.'

Teacher asks Little Johnny A Question.. Teacher: "OK class, who will give me the chemical formula for water?"

Johnny: "HIJKLMNO."

Teacher: "What on earth are you on about?"

Johnny: "Well you said yourself yesterday it was H to O!"

Little Johnny's father asked for report card. Johnny replied, "I don't have it." "Why not?" His father asked. "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Little Johnny Johnny : "My dad is bigger than your dad."

Dave : "Yeah? Who's told you that?"

Johnny : "Your mum."

A priest was talking to a group of kids about "being good" and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"

"Heaven! Heaven!" Yelled Little Lisa.

"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the priest.

"Dead!" Yelled Little Johnny.

Dandelion Teacher:"Can you make a sentence with dandelion."

Little johnny:"The cheetah is faster dandelion."

Little Johnny asks his teacher Little Johnny asks his teacher, "Would you punish me for something I didn't do?"

"Of course not, Johnny," she responds.

"Great, because I didn't do my homework."

Little Johnny A teacher in Sunday school once asked Little Johnny, "Johnny, do you believe in the Devil?"

"No," said Little Johnny knowledgeably. "It's just like with Santa Claus. I know it's really my dad."

Little Johnny strikes again The teacher came up to johnny's desk and asked can you tell me what seperates you from a monkey.

Johnny said with confidence "the desk".

Little Johnny Little Johnny's teacher asks him to make a sentence using the following words: defeat, deduct, defense and detail.

Little Johnny says, "De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail."

Little Johnny complains to mom at home, “Mom, our teacher really doesn’t know anything. He keeps asking us!”

The local Cardiologist just died. And everyone showed up at the funeral with hearts. Hearts of all kinds were put on his casket.

Little Johnny says "Boy, I'm not gonna miss the Gynecologist's funeral!"

Little Johnny is sitting in front of the TV... ... watching a program about NASA.
'I wish I could be shot into space' he said.
'You would have been if your father had done what he was told' replies his mother.

a misunderstanding teacher to class: can anyone use the word fascinate in a sentence?
little johnny: my sister has ten buttons on her shirt but she can only fasten eight

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Long Little Johnny Jokes

Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.

Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10.

"Just don't tell Dad" she says.

*Hey, it's working* thinks Little Johnny.

An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and says: "Dad, I know everything."

Dad gives Johnny $100. "Don't tell Mom" he says.

Just then, the mailman knocks on the door. Johnny opens it and says. "I know everything, Mister."

The mailman drops all his mail, his eyes tear up and he says:

"Well then Johnny, come give Daddy a hug."

Little Johnny came to class all beat up...

Teacher: What's wrong?

Johnny: Our house is very small, me, my mum and my dad, all sleep in the same bed. Every night my dad asks if I'm sleeping,
I say "No" then he slaps my face & gives me a black eye.

Teacher: tonight when your dad asks, keep dead quiet, don't answer.

The following morning Johnny's teacher sees him with a severe swelling on his face.

Teacher: My goodness! Why the swelling?

Johnny: Dad asked me again me if I was sleeping. I shut up and kept dead still. Then my dad & mom start moving, mom was breathing heavy, kicking her legs up an making noises.

Then my dad asked my mom, "Are you coming?"

Mom said, "Yes, I'm coming, are you coming too?"

Dad answered "Yes"

They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said "Wait for me,
I'm coming too."

While teaching a class,

A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:


"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"


Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."


The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"


Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back."


"That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"


Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

A teacher asked her 6th Grade class how many of them were Trump fans...

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Trump fans.


Not really knowing what a Trump fan is, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.


The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different... again.
Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not a Trump fan."


The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Trump?"


Johnny said, "Because I'm a Democrat."


The teacher asked him why he's a Democrat.


Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Democrat and my Dad's a Democrat, so I'm a Democrat."


Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"


With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me a Trump fan."

A teacher trying to teach good manners ...

A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:


"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"


Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."


The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"


Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back."


"That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"


Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

little Johnny goes to confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "Well what'd you get?"
Johnny says "Four months vacation and five good leads..."

A teacher asks her class to use 'contagious' in a sentence

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence. Sally, the class genius, raises her hand and says, "Last year I got the mumps, and my mom said it was contagious."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Would anyone else like to try?"

Little Johnny raises his hand and stands to give his answer.

"Our mean next door neighbor was painting her house by hand, and my dad said it would take the contagious.

give me an example of a tragedy?

Tony Abbott was visiting a Sydney primary school and the class was in
the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr Abbott if he would like to lead the discussion on
the word 'Tragedy'.
So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm,
is playin' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'
'Incorrect,' said Abbott. 'That would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not explained Abbott, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Abbott searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said:
'If a plane carrying you and Mr Hockey, Mr Pyne and Mrs Bishop was struck
by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic' exclaimed Abbott, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't
be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a accident either!

A teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his numbers

“Yes,” he says. “My dad taught me.”


“Can you tell me what comes after three?”

“Four”


“What comes after six?”

“Seven”


“Very good,” says the teacher. “Your father did a very fine job.


What comes after ten?”

“A jack,” answers Little Johnny.

Q&A Time w/Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers to answer questions from the kids.

One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is.

"Kenny," he says.

"And what is your question, Kenny?" she asks.

"I have three questions," he says.
"First -- what happened in Benghazi?
"Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?
"Third -- what happened to that six billion dollars that went missing while you were Secretary of State?”

Just then the bell rings for recess.

Hillary tells the students that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says,

"Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?”

A different boy -- little Johnny -- puts his hand up.

Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is.

"Johnny," he says.

"What is your question, Johnny?" she asks.

"I have five questions," he says.
"First -- what happened in Benghazi?
"Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?
"Third -- whatever happened to that six billion dollars that went missing while you were Secretary of State?
"Fourth -- why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
"And, fifth -- where's Kenny?”

Little Johnny At The Park

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. . .

"Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny.

"Nope." replied Jimmy.

"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?".

Again Jimmy says "Nope."

"You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny.

"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.

Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. "What do you want now?"

"I wanna watch," Johnny replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet."

Little Johnny #71

During a class on good manners and etiquette being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

“If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?”

Little Mike replies: “Wait a minute, I’m going for a piss.”

The teacher says: “That would be very rude and improper on your part.”

Little Charlie chimes in with his attempt: “I’m sorry I need to go to the toilet, I’ll be back in a minute.”

The teacher says: “That’s much better but to mention the word “toilet” during a meal, is unpleasant.”

Little Johnny says: “My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend with whom I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner.”

A teacher asks her class...

A teacher asks her class "if there are 5 birds sitting on a wall and you shoot one of them how many are left?" She calls on little johnny "none they all fly away at the first gunshot" the teacher replies "the correct answer is 4 but I like your thinking" then little johnny replies "now I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench eating ice cream. One is delicately liking the sides of a triple scoop ice cream, the second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone and the third is biting of the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher blushes and replies "well I guess the one that is gobbling down top and sucking the cone" "the correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking"

Oh johnny..

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest?”
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, “Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”

Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny’s dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy’s dying!”

His father says, “Calm down, son! Why do you think Mommy’s dying?”

“Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy’s balloons and she’s screaming, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!’”

Most adults have a dark secret...

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth”.

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home and as he is greeted by his mother, he says , “I know the whole truth”.

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father”.

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to come home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth”.

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother”.

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next morning when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, smiles and says :

“Really!? Then come give your real Daddy a big hug!”

Table manners

Teacher:"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"


Michael: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'


Teacher: 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'


Sherman: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'


Teacher:'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'


Johnny: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.'

Three kids are discussing who has the taller dad...

Tim: My dad is so tall that he can reach the top of a tree!

Bob: Well, my dad is so tall that he can reach the clouds!

Little Johnny: When your father reaches the clouds, does it feel soft?

Bob: I think so...

Little Johnny: Yeah, that's my father's balls.

A teacher asks her class to come up with a sentence...

...that contains the word "contagious."

Amy stands up and says "Last week my mummy had the flu. It was contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Then Becky stands up and says "a long time ago the Bubonic Plague affected a lot of Europe and because it was very contagious a lot of people died." "Very good," says the teacher. "One more?"

Little Johnny then stands up and says "my next door neighbour recently started painting his house with a two-inch brush. My Daddy says it'll take the contagious."

The Ultimate Computer

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. One day, a guided school tour arrived.
The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This," he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it. Would anyone like to try?"
Little Johnny quickly stepped forward and asked, "Where is my father?"
There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task. Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the answer appeared on the screen: "Fishing in Florida."
Little Johnny laughed, "Actually, my father is dead! It was a trick question."
The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better.
Little Johnny thought and said to the Ultimate Computer, "Where is my mother's husband?" Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room.
After a moment, the screen lit up with an answer: "Dead. But your father is still fishing in Florida."

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