Fish Jokes

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Funniest Fish Jokes

Funny Fish Jokes
Score: 15739

Give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. Teach a man to phish, he will become a Nigerian Prince.

Score: 15264

My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank. She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

Score: 12377

Fishermen hate him- You won't believe the one item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else Click bait.

Score: 9869

Dating is a lot like fishing... Sure there is plenty of fish in the sea, but until I catch one, I am just stuck here holding my rod.

Score: 8818

Fishermen hate him—you'll never guess this one strange item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else Click bait

Score: 2704

Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince.

Score: 2386

My girlfriend threw a bottle of Omega 3 capsules at me. It's OK though, I only have super fish oil injuries.

Score: 1597

When I said to my teacher,I had 26 pets, didn't believe me. So I showed her a picture of my fish tank. Teacher freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

Score: 1248

My friend is making a lot of easy money by selling pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes. It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

Score: 1194

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will use 3 times a year

Score: 1186

Dating is a lot like fishing Sure, there's plenty of fish in the sea. But until i catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.

Score: 1071

The other day I took my Grandma to one of those spas where the little fish eat your dead skin It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery

Score: 943

Teach a man to fish, and he'll be able to eat for a lifetime Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince.

Score: 940

My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes... It’s like shooting fish in apparel...

Score: 802

Give a Nigerian a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he becomes a prince.

Score: 779

Somebody just threw a load of Omega 3 pills at me... Don't worry though, I only suffered super fish oil injuries..

Score: 742

I rang the wife last night after work to say I'd pick up fish and chips on the way home. I was met with a stoney silence. Something tells me that she's beginning to regret letting me name the twins.

Score: 724

I phoned my wife... ...and said "would you like me to pick up fish & chips on the way home from work"

She had just grunted down the phone.

I think she is regretting letting me pick the names for our twins

Score: 691

With relationships, they say there's plenty of fish in the sea... But I'm just stuck here holding my rod

Score: 683

What kind of STD's do fish get? Merm-aids

Score: 676

My 8 year old sister's joke: There were 12 fish in a pond. One of the dies. Why did the water level in the pond rise? -Because the other fish were crying.

Edit: *One of them dies.

Score: 664

Give a man a fish and feed him for a day Give a fish a man and feed it for a month

Score: 641

I took my grandma to one of those fish spa's where the fish eat your dead skin Sooooo much cheaper than burying her in the cemetery.

Score: 636

What do you call a girl who catches fish? Anette.

^^^^Just^thought^of^this^i'm^sorry^it's^bad..



Edit: Wow, front page of /r/jokes I finally did it!

Edit 2: Thanks everyone, this is my highest up-voted post ever!

Score: 614

Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Give a man a poison fish and feed him for the rest of his life.

Score: 587

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish, and he'll eat for a lifetime.

Score: 573

What kind of fish is made of only two sodium atoms? 2Na

Score: 492

Two fish are in a tank... Two fish are in a tank when one turns to the other and says, "do you know how to drive this thing?

Score: 484

Why are fish poorly educated? All the schools are below C level.

Score: 466

Two fish were in a tank... and one says "How do you drive this thing?"

Score: 84

I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?" It was met with a stony silence... I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

Score: 73

What kind of a fish is made of only two sodium atoms 2 Na

Score: 70

Two fish in a tank, and one says to the other: "How do you drive this thing?"

Score: 56

I took my dad to one of them spas where the fish eat your dead skin. It was £30 but cheaper than a funeral

Score: 46

Why are deep sea fish always so stressed? Because they're under a lot of pressure.

Score: 36

My wife threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at my head Don't worry though, my wounds were just super-fish-oil

Score: 32

My mate took his Grandad to one of those fancy Health Spas, where tiny little fish eat all the dead skin. It cost him $35, but it was a lot cheaper than a funeral.

Score: 32

Give a teen a fish, and they'll be full for a day Give a teen a Tide Pod, and they'll be full for the rest of their life

Score: 22

Two fish were in a tank... One fish says to the other "You man the guns, i'll drive"

Score: 22

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New Fish Jokes

Whenever someone mentions a Jellyfish, everyone says “What about a peanut butter fish?” Dumbasses forgot about the bread fish

Score: 1

What do you call a North Korean fish? Kim Jong Gill

Score: 3

Dad: What's the difference between a piano, tuna and some glue? Me: Don't know?

Dad: You can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish

Me: What about the glue?

Dad: I knew you'd get stuck on that!

Score: 21

I was thinking about getting a blue fish from the middle east But I dont think they have turk-kois

Score: 2

What did the beet farmer say to the man holding his son and his fish hostage? "Give me the beet boy, and free my sole!"

Score: 3

What do you call it when comedians go fishing and then submit their catches for a "biggest fish" prize? Marlon weigh-ins

Score: 1

What does a good fisherman make? What does a good fisherman make?

Efficiency.

What does a bad fisherman make?

A fish in sea.

Score: 1

What’s a Jewish comedian’s favorite type of seafood? Fish schticks

Score: 5

‪I want to open a pants store called “50% Off!,” but the store will exclusively sell shorts at regular retail value. Fish in a barrel.

Score: 0

A fish recently published a very good book The sales were through the reef.

Score: 1

What's the job of a fish with a daughter? To keep her off the fishing pool

Score: 1

I bought a can of tuna cat food, but there was catfish meat inside. I got catfish catfish cat fish.

Score: 3

Two fish were swimming along and suddenly run into a concrete wall. One of the fish exclaims "DAM!"

Score: 2

Two fish swam straight into a concrete wall One fish said to the other

DAM!!!

Score: 2

What do fish use in wars? A fish tank

Score: 5

I'm a fish photographer Or as we say in 'Murica, a school shooter.

Score: 2

What do you call a shell fish from China? A Crust-Asian

Score: 2

What do you call a shell fish from China?a A Crust-Asian

Score: 3

I really don't like my new job at the fish recycling centre, It's sole destroying.

Score: 3

Two fish were in a tank One turns to the other and says "How do you drive this thing?"

Score: 1

What did the blind man say when he walked past the fish boat? Hello ladies

Score: 1

What company do fish buy their cell phones from ? LG

Score: 1

A battery, a mule, and a fish walk into a bar. The mule orders a beer. "I'm off the wagon," he explains.

The battery orders a juice. "AA all the way," it says.

"And for you, sir?" The bartender asks the fish. "Water," it croaks, and collapses.

Score: 2

Dad: what’s the difference in a fish, a piano, and a pot of glue? Daughter: I don’t know
Dad: you can TUNE a piano but you can’t TUNA fish!
Daughter: ok but what about the glue
Dad: I knew you’d get stuck on that

Score: 2

A man is talking with his pet fish, The fish tells the man that the word "gullible" is on the ceiling, the man looks and sees nothing on the ceiling.

The fish mutters under it's breath, "Heh, gillable."

Score: 4

My biology teacher tells me that I need to focus more in lessons. They say I always ask off topic questions. But I'm just interested, that's all.

Science is interesting. Apparently there is a species of fish called "irrelevant".

Score: 1

Why was the fish and his crew so scared of the clam's crew? Because they were nothing but mussel.

Score: 1

What did the fish day when it swan into a wall? DAM!!

Ironically, the fish said the same thing after swimming into the wall that I did upon failing to proofread my title.


Edit. Complete swipe fail on phone. My proofreading is the real joke here.

Score: 1

Teach a man to fish, and he will be fed for a day Teach a man to phish, and he becomes a nigerian prince

Score: 9

Two fish are put in a tank But, darn it, neither knows how to drive it.

Score: 13

What's the difference between a fisherman and a walrus? One has an ugly bewhiskered face and smells like fish and the other one is a walrus

Score: 1

Two goldfish are in a fish tank One goldfish keeps swimming while the other one says,

"Do you know how to drive this thing?".

Score: 3

my friend has a model fish collection they are all to scale

Score: 17

Whats the difference a lawyer and a catfish? One's a scum sucking bottom dweller and the other is a fish.

Score: 4

What do Catholic cannibals eat in place of fish on Fish Fry Friday? Battered women

Score: 1

What did the fish say after he swam head first into a concrete wall? "Dam"

Score: 1

Fisherman hate him-you'll never guess this one strange item he uses to catch more fish then anyone else. Click bait.

Score: 6

What kind of fish is good with peanut butter? Jellyfish

Score: 5

What did the eskimo say when he found out that his pet seal had been stealing from his fish reserve? "Inuit!"

Score: 2

A man went ice fishing one day and reeled-in a giant ice cube After months of only catching fish, he finally caught a cold.

Score: 1

Comparison between Catfish and Lawyers Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

A: One's a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger; the other is a fish.

Score: 1

Shakespeare is like a fish with epilepsy I can't even begin to grasp it.

Score: 2

I saw a fight in the chip shop the other day... Two fish got battered.

Score: 9

If a fish died in the ocean... ...does it become a marine corpse?

Score: 7

There was a fight in the Fish and Chip shop the other day The fish got *battered* and the chip got *a-salted*.

Score: 1

(original joke) what's a fish's favourite type of angle a scalene angle haha

Score: 1

How many fish did it take to kill my ex wife? None, there are no fish under my new gazebo.

Score: 1

Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other... How do we drive this thing?

Score: 2

Two fish were in a tank.. one turned back and said to another.."How do you drive this thing?"

Score: 1

What do fish talk about at work? Current events

Score: 8

What do you call a coi fish that can't swim? A decoi

Score: 14

Two fish were in a tank. One says, you man the main cannon, I'll drive.

Score: 1

When I draw a fish I always.... ... Draw it to scale

Score: 14

What stresses fish out the most? Current events.

Score: 2

My 10 y/o daughter made this joke up on the way to school... What do you get when you cross Hitler with a fish? A-dolphin!

Score: 14

I have a beta fish named Carl He's a real lady killer!

Score: 4

Two fish were in a tank... ...one turns to another and says "any idea how to drive this thing?"

Score: 8

What kind of fish is funny, beautiful and a good role model for young women? Tuna Fey.

Score: 1

Great joke I heard at a standup show in Houston this weekend. (Dark humor) Give a man a fish, and he you will feed him for the day.

Give a man two prosthetic legs, and he'll shoot his girlfriend.

Score: 1

Two fish were in a tank... One says to the other: you shoot, I'll drive

Score: 19

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