Give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. Teach a man to phish, he will become a Nigerian Prince.
My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank. She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.
Fishermen hate him- You won't believe the one item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else Click bait.
Dating is a lot like fishing... Sure there is plenty of fish in the sea, but until I catch one, I am just stuck here holding my rod.
Fishermen hate him—you'll never guess this one strange item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else Click bait
Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince.
My girlfriend threw a bottle of Omega 3 capsules at me. It's OK though, I only have super fish oil injuries.
When I said to my teacher,I had 26 pets, didn't believe me. So I showed her a picture of my fish tank. Teacher freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.
My friend is making a lot of easy money by selling pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes. It’s like shooting fish in apparel.
Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will use 3 times a year
Dating is a lot like fishing Sure, there's plenty of fish in the sea. But until i catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.
The other day I took my Grandma to one of those spas where the little fish eat your dead skin It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery
Teach a man to fish, and he'll be able to eat for a lifetime Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince.
My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes... It’s like shooting fish in apparel...
Give a Nigerian a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he becomes a prince.
Somebody just threw a load of Omega 3 pills at me... Don't worry though, I only suffered super fish oil injuries..
I rang the wife last night after work to say I'd pick up fish and chips on the way home. I was met with a stoney silence. Something tells me that she's beginning to regret letting me name the twins.
I phoned my wife...
...and said "would you like me to pick up fish & chips on the way home from work"
She had just grunted down the phone.
I think she is regretting letting me pick the names for our twins
With relationships, they say there's plenty of fish in the sea... But I'm just stuck here holding my rod
What kind of STD's do fish get? Merm-aids
My 8 year old sister's joke: There were 12 fish in a pond. One of the dies. Why did the water level in the pond rise?
-Because the other fish were crying.
Edit: *One of them dies.
Give a man a fish and feed him for a day Give a fish a man and feed it for a month
I took my grandma to one of those fish spa's where the fish eat your dead skin Sooooo much cheaper than burying her in the cemetery.
What do you call a girl who catches fish?
Edit: Wow, front page of /r/jokes I finally did it!
Edit 2: Thanks everyone, this is my highest up-voted post ever!
Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Give a man a poison fish and feed him for the rest of his life.
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish, and he'll eat for a lifetime.
What kind of fish is made of only two sodium atoms? 2Na
Two fish are in a tank... Two fish are in a tank when one turns to the other and says, "do you know how to drive this thing?
Why are fish poorly educated? All the schools are below C level.
A woman calls the nursing home to see how her father is doing.
'He’s like a fish out of water.’
‘You mean he’s having trouble adjusting?’
‘No, I mean he’s dead.’
Why do Americans go fishing with guns? Because a group of fish is called a school.
Teach a human to fish and you'll feed them for a lifetime... Teach a fish to human and you've got a scientific breakthrough.
I took my dad to one of them spas where the fish eat your dead skin. It was £30 but cheaper than a funeral
A woman calls the nursing home to see how her father is doing...
'He's like a fish out of water.'
'You mean he's having trouble adjusting?'
'No, I mean he's dead.'
Give a communist a fish?
Feed them for a day
Teach a communist to fish
Now government has more fish
My wife threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at my head Don't worry though, my wounds were just super-fish-oil
Give a teen a fish, and they'll be full for a day Give a teen a Tide Pod, and they'll be full for the rest of their life
What's the difference between a politician and a catfish? One's a bottom-dwelling, muck-sucker and the other is a fish.
Two fish are put in a tank But, darn it, neither knows how to drive it.
Did you know that most Hollywood actors have expensive saltwater aquariums stocked with tropical fish and other sea critters? They're the sea crits of the rich and famous.
Elon Musk just announced a new multimillion dollar electronic ocean cleanup project. He says it’s all in the name of E-fish-in-sea
What do you call a North Korean fish? Kim Jong Gill
Why was the fish waitress making so much money? Her customers kept tipping the scales.
I was thinking about getting a blue fish from the middle east But I dont think they have turk-kois
What did the beet farmer say to the man holding his son and his fish hostage? "Give me the beet boy, and free my sole!"
What do you call it when comedians go fishing and then submit their catches for a "biggest fish" prize? Marlon weigh-ins
What does a good fisherman make?
What does a good fisherman make?
What does a bad fisherman make?
A fish in sea.
What’s a Jewish comedian’s favorite type of seafood? Fish schticks
I want to open a pants store called “50% Off!,” but the store will exclusively sell shorts at regular retail value. Fish in a barrel.
A fish recently published a very good book The sales were through the reef.
What's the job of a fish with a daughter? To keep her off the fishing pool
I bought a can of tuna cat food, but there was catfish meat inside. I got catfish catfish cat fish.
Did ya’ll hear about the domestic disturbance at the seafood restaurant? Apparently three fish got battered!
Two fish were swimming along and suddenly run into a concrete wall. One of the fish exclaims "DAM!"
Two fish swam straight into a concrete wall
One fish said to the other
What do fish use in wars? A fish tank
What do you call a shell fish from China? A Crust-Asian
I really don't like my new job at the fish recycling centre, It's sole destroying.
Why were the group of fish afraid to play basketball? Because then there would be another school shooting.
What did the blind man say when he walked past the fish boat? Hello ladies
What company do fish buy their cell phones from ? LG
A battery, a mule, and a fish walk into a bar.
The mule orders a beer. "I'm off the wagon," he explains.
The battery orders a juice. "AA all the way," it says.
"And for you, sir?" The bartender asks the fish. "Water," it croaks, and collapses.
Dad: what’s the difference in a fish, a piano, and a pot of glue?
Daughter: I don’t know
Dad: you can TUNE a piano but you can’t TUNA fish!
Daughter: ok but what about the glue
Dad: I knew you’d get stuck on that
A man is talking with his pet fish,
The fish tells the man that the word "gullible" is on the ceiling, the man looks and sees nothing on the ceiling.
The fish mutters under it's breath, "Heh, gillable."
How do you get a sea creature to sound good? You tuna fish!
My biology teacher tells me that I need to focus more in lessons.
They say I always ask off topic questions. But I'm just interested, that's all.
Science is interesting. Apparently there is a species of fish called "irrelevant".
Why was the fish and his crew so scared of the clam's crew? Because they were nothing but mussel.
What do you call a salmon that can produce twice as many eggs twice as quickly and normal? A-fish-in-sea
Woman stand in queue in Soviet Union for seven hours
When she go in - shop empty.
Woman: Oh - You have no fish?
Comrade shopkeeper: No, here is no meat. No fish - next door!
Teach a man to fish, and he will be fed for a day Teach a man to phish, and he becomes a nigerian prince
What's the difference between a fisherman and a walrus? One has an ugly bewhiskered face and smells like fish and the other one is a walrus
Two goldfish are in a fish tank
One goldfish keeps swimming while the other one says,
"Do you know how to drive this thing?".
Whats the difference a lawyer and a catfish? One's a scum sucking bottom dweller and the other is a fish.
What do Catholic cannibals eat in place of fish on Fish Fry Friday? Battered women
What did the fish say after he swam head first into a concrete wall? "Dam"
Fisherman hate him-you'll never guess this one strange item he uses to catch more fish then anyone else. Click bait.
What kind of fish is good with peanut butter? Jellyfish
What did the eskimo say when he found out that his pet seal had been stealing from his fish reserve? "Inuit!"
Climate change will decrease fish stocks and have harsh effects on the fisheries industry.... So after Trump pulls out, there will be sea men all over the place.
A man went ice fishing one day and reeled-in a giant ice cube After months of only catching fish, he finally caught a cold.
Shakespeare is like a fish with epilepsy I can't even begin to grasp it.
I saw a fight in the chip shop the other day... Two fish got battered.
What do you get when you put two Beta Fish in the same tank? One Alpha Fish.
There was a fight in the Fish and Chip shop the other day The fish got *battered* and the chip got *a-salted*.
(original joke) what's a fish's favourite type of angle a scalene angle haha
What did the fish say to the concrete wall? Dam!
What did the sea monster have for dinner? Fish and ships.
What do fish talk about at work? Current events
(taken from my kid's favorite show 'Arthur') What is a sea monster's favorite meal? Fish and Ships
Two fish in a tank
One turns to the other and says "how do you drive this thing?"
Repost from a comment on /r/askreddit
A woman calls the nursing home to see how her father is doing. ‘
He’s like a fish out of water.’
‘You mean he’s having trouble adjusting?’
‘No, I mean he’s dead.’
A man eating fish
was saved by a hyphen from
a man-eating fish
(you might have heard it before but its new to me)
What kind of fish is funny, beautiful and a good role model for young women? Tuna Fey.
So there're these two fish in a tank... and the one fish turns to the other and says, "Hey man, do you know how to drive this thing?"