Give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. Teach a man to phish, he will become a Nigerian Prince.
My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank. She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.
Fishermen hate him- You won't believe the one item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else Click bait.
Dating is a lot like fishing... Sure there is plenty of fish in the sea, but until I catch one, I am just stuck here holding my rod.
Fishermen hate him—you'll never guess this one strange item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else Click bait
Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince.
My girlfriend threw a bottle of Omega 3 capsules at me. It's OK though, I only have super fish oil injuries.
When I said to my teacher,I had 26 pets, didn't believe me. So I showed her a picture of my fish tank. Teacher freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.
My friend is making a lot of easy money by selling pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes. It’s like shooting fish in apparel.
Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will use 3 times a year
Dating is a lot like fishing Sure, there's plenty of fish in the sea. But until i catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.
The other day I took my Grandma to one of those spas where the little fish eat your dead skin It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery
Teach a man to fish, and he'll be able to eat for a lifetime Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince.
My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes... It’s like shooting fish in apparel...
Give a Nigerian a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he becomes a prince.
Somebody just threw a load of Omega 3 pills at me... Don't worry though, I only suffered super fish oil injuries..
I rang the wife last night after work to say I'd pick up fish and chips on the way home. I was met with a stoney silence. Something tells me that she's beginning to regret letting me name the twins.
I phoned my wife...
...and said "would you like me to pick up fish & chips on the way home from work"
She had just grunted down the phone.
I think she is regretting letting me pick the names for our twins
With relationships, they say there's plenty of fish in the sea... But I'm just stuck here holding my rod
What kind of STD's do fish get? Merm-aids
My 8 year old sister's joke: There were 12 fish in a pond. One of the dies. Why did the water level in the pond rise?
-Because the other fish were crying.
Edit: *One of them dies.
Give a man a fish and feed him for a day Give a fish a man and feed it for a month
I took my grandma to one of those fish spa's where the fish eat your dead skin Sooooo much cheaper than burying her in the cemetery.
What do you call a girl who catches fish?
Edit: Wow, front page of /r/jokes I finally did it!
Edit 2: Thanks everyone, this is my highest up-voted post ever!
Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Give a man a poison fish and feed him for the rest of his life.
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish, and he'll eat for a lifetime.
What kind of fish is made of only two sodium atoms? 2Na
Two fish are in a tank... Two fish are in a tank when one turns to the other and says, "do you know how to drive this thing?
Why are fish poorly educated? All the schools are below C level.
A woman calls the nursing home to see how her father is doing.
'He’s like a fish out of water.’
‘You mean he’s having trouble adjusting?’
‘No, I mean he’s dead.’
A group of fish is a school. A group of birds is a flock. A group of wolves is a pack. What do you call a group of Trump supporters? A klan
A woman calls the nursing home to see how her father is doing...
'He's like a fish out of water.'
'You mean he's having trouble adjusting?'
'No, I mean he's dead.'
Give a communist a fish?
Feed them for a day
Teach a communist to fish
Now government has more fish
What do fish in Jamaica smoke ?
I'll show myself the door.
2 parrots were sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and says: Do you smell fish?
Give a teen a fish, and they'll be full for a day Give a teen a Tide Pod, and they'll be full for the rest of their life
Where does the army keep fish? In a tank.
A fish swims and hits a concrete wall, "Dam," yelled the fish.
We put Granddad into a nursing home yesterday
I called Grandma to see how he was doing.
"Oh, dear, he's like a fish out of water!" she told me.
"Is he finding hard to adjust?" I asked.
"No, he's dead."
What type of fish does a deaf person keep? A herring aid.
What do you call a North Korean fish? Kim Jong Gill
Studies show that keeping tropical fish at home has a calming effect on your brain. It’s because of all the indoor fins.
What did the beet farmer say to the man holding his son and his fish hostage? "Give me the beet boy, and free my sole!"
What’s a Jewish comedian’s favorite type of seafood? Fish schticks
Have you seen the new fish burger from McDonald's? They call it McKerel
A fish recently published a very good book The sales were through the reef.
What's the job of a fish with a daughter? To keep her off the fishing pool
Did ya’ll hear about the domestic disturbance at the seafood restaurant? Apparently three fish got battered!
Two fish were swimming along and suddenly run into a concrete wall. One of the fish exclaims "DAM!"
What do you call an American fish photographer? A school shooter.
Two fish swam straight into a concrete wall
One fish said to the other
I took my grandma to a fish spa centre where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45. It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.
What do fish use in wars? A fish tank
I really don't like my new job at the fish recycling centre, It's sole destroying.
Why were the group of fish afraid to play basketball? Because then there would be another school shooting.
What did the blind man say when he walked past the fish boat? Hello ladies
What did the fish say after it swam into a wall? Dam
I'm glad that baby shark in TX is safe, but I doubt the police will spend a lot of time punishing the thieves. I figure they'd have bigger fish to fry.
What company do fish buy their cell phones from ? LG
A battery, a mule, and a fish walk into a bar.
The mule orders a beer. "I'm off the wagon," he explains.
The battery orders a juice. "AA all the way," it says.
"And for you, sir?" The bartender asks the fish. "Water," it croaks, and collapses.
A blind man walks by the fish section in a market. He stops and says, hello ladies.
Dad: what’s the difference in a fish, a piano, and a pot of glue?
Daughter: I don’t know
Dad: you can TUNE a piano but you can’t TUNA fish!
Daughter: ok but what about the glue
Dad: I knew you’d get stuck on that
How do you get a sea creature to sound good? You tuna fish!
My biology teacher tells me that I need to focus more in lessons.
They say I always ask off topic questions. But I'm just interested, that's all.
Science is interesting. Apparently there is a species of fish called "irrelevant".
What do you call a salmon that can produce twice as many eggs twice as quickly and normal? A-fish-in-sea
What fish goes great with a peanut butter sandwich? A jellyfish.
Woman stand in queue in Soviet Union for seven hours
When she go in - shop empty.
Woman: Oh - You have no fish?
Comrade shopkeeper: No, here is no meat. No fish - next door!
Teach a man to fish, and he will be fed for a day Teach a man to phish, and he becomes a nigerian prince
Two fish are put in a tank But, darn it, neither knows how to drive it.
What's the difference between a fisherman and a walrus? One has an ugly bewhiskered face and smells like fish and the other one is a walrus
Two goldfish are in a fish tank
One goldfish keeps swimming while the other one says,
"Do you know how to drive this thing?".
What's the difference between Steve Irwin and Will Smith? A fish tail only ALMOST ended Will Smith's career.
What did the fish say after he swam head first into a concrete wall? "Dam"
Fisherman hate him-you'll never guess this one strange item he uses to catch more fish then anyone else. Click bait.
What kind of fish is good with peanut butter? Jellyfish
What did the eskimo say when he found out that his pet seal had been stealing from his fish reserve? "Inuit!"
Climate change will decrease fish stocks and have harsh effects on the fisheries industry.... So after Trump pulls out, there will be sea men all over the place.
My favorite classic joke: What did the blind man say when walking past the fish store? Good day ladies. Sorry, I'll see myself out. This won't happen again.
A man went ice fishing one day and reeled-in a giant ice cube After months of only catching fish, he finally caught a cold.
Comparison between Catfish and Lawyers
Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One's a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger; the other is a fish.
Shakespeare is like a fish with epilepsy I can't even begin to grasp it.
If a fish died in the ocean... ...does it become a marine corpse?
There was a fight in the Fish and Chip shop the other day The fish got *battered* and the chip got *a-salted*.
(original joke) what's a fish's favourite type of angle a scalene angle haha
What did the fish say to the concrete wall? Dam!
How many fish did it take to kill my ex wife? None, there are no fish under my new gazebo.
What did the sea monster have for dinner? Fish and ships.
What do you call it when someone shoots a group of fish in a barrel? A school shooting
(taken from my kid's favorite show 'Arthur') What is a sea monster's favorite meal? Fish and Ships
What's the difference between a catfish and a Frenchman? One is a filthy, slimy, bottom-feeding, scum-sucking monstrosity with long whiskers, and the other is a fish.
What's the difference between a catfish and a Russian prostitute? One has whiskers and smells like fish. And the other is a fish.
What do fish say when they are playing Call Of Duty?
I Sea Anemone.
Im really sorry.
A business man walks down a harbor... He meets a fisherman, the fisherman offers him 5 fish for free. The business man says "what's the catch?".
You may be able to tune a piano, but you can't... TUNA FISH
What stresses fish out the most? Current events.
Fisherman got jokes...
A little fish humor for everyone.
"Did you do that on Porpoise? Or just for the Halibut?"
"Oh my Cod, save my Sole!"
"You sucker, that smelt, so get your bass out of here!"
Why couldn't the man open a fish and herb shop? Because he didn't have the thyme or the plaice.
Did you hear about the fish that walked into the chip shop?? He got battered!!
Great joke I heard at a standup show in Houston this weekend. (Dark humor)
Give a man a fish, and he you will feed him for the day.
Give a man two prosthetic legs, and he'll shoot his girlfriend.