Medical Jokes

Contents

Funniest Medical Jokes

Funny Medical Jokes

As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive Luckily my older brother told me about it

My grandfather died because the medical report said he had Type A blood. Unfortunately it was a Type-O.

Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers? It's stupid. You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves baristas.

If there was a bipartisan push in Congress to legalize medical marijuana for arthritis treatment... there would be joint support for joint support for joint support.

When I die I'm going to donate my body to science. That's the only way I'll ever get into medical school.

Don't vaccinate your children! Let a trained medical professional do it!

I’m in favour of a bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medical marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain. In other words, I’m for joint support for joint support for joint support.

It annoys me that Engineering students call themselves engineers.. You don’t hear medical students calling themselves doctors, or art students calling themselves unemployed.

When I die, I’m donating my body to science. It’s the only way I’ll ever get into medical school.

Do not vaccinate your children! Let a trained medical professional do it instead.

So my daughters friend came over the other day and they played house together Now I have $50k in medical bills and she thinks she has Lupus.

My asian parents are actually very supportive of my career path They let me pick which medical school I'm going to

What doesn't kill you cripples you with medical debt.

I got accepted into Harvard's medical program I just have to die first and give them my body

Whenever I go out, I always wear a stethoscope. That way, in the event of a medical emergency, I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

After being in an accident that disabled both my legs... The doctor walked in with the medical bill,

I couldn't stand to look at it.

There's an actual medical term for when your foot falls asleep. It's called 'coma toes'

Fred is a hippo who goes to a University where everyone is a hippo One day, someone asked Fred where to find the medical building. Fred replied, "Its over there and to the left. I do brain research in there."

Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.

I had a medical condition when I was a child, I had to eat soil 3 times a day or I would die. Really, I was quite lucky my older brother told me about it.

I wear a stethoscope, so that in the case of a medical emergency, I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

There is now a bipartisan push to legalize medical marijuana to relieve arthiritis. In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.

I think medical marijuana is really good... ... for joints.

I'll see myself out.

What's the difference between a feminist and a dentist's drill? One causes a lot of pain and makes a constant high pitched whine. The other is a useful piece of medical equipment.

Why do cats make better medical technicians than dogs? Because dogs can't operate MRI machines, but catscan.

I hate it when I hate it when engineering students call themselves engineer.
I don't see medical students calling themselves doctor or history students calling themselves unemployed

Medical science still doesn't have a cure for premature ejaculation, but researchers say it's coming quickly.

Why are Helium, Curium, and Barium called the medical isotopes? Because if you can't helium or curium, you barium.

There's a bipartisan group petitioning for medical marijuana as an option for arthritis patients. In other words, there's joint support for joint support for joint support.

What do you call a medical student who graduates last in his class? Doctor

If I photoshopped a medical license Would that be a doctored image?

The medical code of ethics is way too strict. Apparently, I’m not allowed to marry a patient even if we’re in a consensual relationship. I’m really starting to hate being a veterinarian.

What's the medical term for a chill pill? A relaxative

What do you call a sarcastic canine medical professional? A dog, duh.

I wanted to be a gynecologist, but I failed medical school in the last semester. I was so close I could taste it.

I went to the doctor for a checkup. A friend asked "Which doctor?"
I replied "No, a medical one."

I've started wearing a stethoscope around my neck... So, if there's a medical emergency I get to teach people a valuable lesson about making assumptions based on someone's appearance.

A scientist runs into an AA meeting... ...and exclaims "we did it! We found a medical cure for alcoholism! All you have to do is take this one pill daily and you are cured."

Slowly a hand raises in the back and a man says "what happens if you take two?"

Why are Helium, Curium and Barium called the medical elements? Because if you can't Helium or Curium, you Barium.
(Heard it from Heimerdinger, League of Legends)

Trump just suggested that injecting sanitizers like bleach might have a cleansing effect on the body I think medical research would agree that injecting bleach definitely cures stupidity.

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New Medical Jokes

Mick: I’ve got a medical problem so I have to get circumcised... Paddy: Wow! At 35 years old?! I was a new born baby when I was circumcised.

Mick: Did it hurt?

Paddy: Well I couldn’t walk for about 12 months

I've just learned the medical name for viagra Mycoxaflopin

With the far right prescribing UV and sunlight for medical cures They have finally seen the benefits of solar power.

BREAKING NEWS: The leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-un, is brain-dead following an invasive medical procedure. Officials praise the regime for finding common grounds with the US.

Why does Bill Gates make for a terrible medical expert? Because he can't get rid of viruses in Microsoft either.

I think it's a bit harsh to criticise Trump for trying to ban the export of masks He's just following medical advice and trying to keep 3M away from everyone else

What's the difference between a dentist's drill and a feminist? One causes a lot of pain and makes a constant high-pitched whine and the other is a piece of medical equipment.

What do they call the guy who graduates dead last in his medical school class? "Doctor". They call him "Doctor".

This guy told me to never share my private medical information...then he went and shared my private medical information. What a HIPAA-crite.

My urologist found out I wasn't following his medical advice. He is pissed off and told me "urine trouble."

What do you call a medical doctor who is on-call? An oncologist

A couple is anxiously waiting to hear the results of a medical test for their unborn child. The doctor says: "I will start with the good news; Your child will always find a parking space."

What do you call a Dr. Seuss character with a medical degree? Doctor Who

I'm going to donate my body to science, and keep my dad happy... he always wanted me to go to medical school.

What do you call a Doctor who says they’ll never share your personal medical information with others, but does? A HIPAAcrite.

A buddy of mine in the medical profession recently lost his job for trying to sleep with a patient... Let me tell you, being a veterinarian isn't all it's cracked up to be.

The medical examiner’s office was told to reduce their budget. So they had to start cutting coroners

What was Zeus" specialty in medical school? Surge-ery

A man lied about his medical condition. When he went to the x-ray operator, he was told that nothing is wrong with him.

Later that day someone asked him,"how did you know?"

The operator replied,"I could see right through him."

Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers? It's stupid. You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors or art students calling themselves baristas.

As an employee in the health care industry, I make it a point to keep up with all the latest medical news. Just the other day I read about a man who had the entire left side of his body amputated. After that, he was alright.

Where can you find the gods of the medical staff? The Nurse mythology

When you don’t know if you can pay your medical bills You have health Unsurance.

Why did Kevin Hart have such a short stay in the hospital? He has the money to pay for adequate medical service

So sad! It's so sad that after all he has been through kevin hart will face fines on top of the medical bills. If only he had been in the proper booster seat! ( Mr. Hart if you read this, I wish you a speedy recovery. Prayers for you and your family!)

A guy goes to his doctor to ask for his Medical Test Results. \-Are my result in, doctor? The wait is killing me.

\-Well... it's not the only thing killing you

An engineering professor is ranting to his class one day He says "I hate when engineering students call themselves 'engineers', you don't hear medical students calling themselves 'doctors', or art students calling themselves 'unemployed'

I’m so proud of my grandma. At 90 years old she attended medical school She’s a cadaver.

Medical Checkup GP: You have too much sugar in your diet. I recommend swapping desserts for appetisers. They’re much better for you nutritionally.

Patient: Ugh do I have to?

GP: Doctor’s hors d’oeurves.

A blonde has sharp pains in her side... She goes to the hospital. The doctor examines her and says, "You have acute appendicitis."

The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help."

I got a letter with my medical results today The bad news is that i’m dyslexic, but the good news is that they found a big humor inside me.

Medical advances these days are absolutely crazy. They've found ways to activate taste buds in people who were born without the sense. Surprisingly most people don't like it at first. Its an acquired taste.

Medical joke (short) Scientists have found the gene that makes people shy. They found it hiding behind another gene.

A group of doctors were getting frustrated while discussing their failing medical practice... ...they were unfortunately running out of patience.

I have 3 children and I have never, nor will I ever vaccinate them The simple act of it alone is reckless and exposes my children to so many potential dangers. I have no medical training whatsoever and would rather let their doctor do it instead.

I don’t vaccinate my child. That would be extremely irresponsible. I pay someone with medical training vaccinate him.

What do you call it when an ambulance crashes into the side of a hospital? A medical breakthrough...

A man goes for a medical check up for his new job. He told his doctor not to be alarmed because he has 5 penises. Doctor : how does your pant fit?!??

Man : like a glove

When I was young I decided to go to medical school. At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS to form the name of an important body part. Those who said spine are doctors today. The rest of us went to flight school.

You know what you call the stupidest graduate from the worst medical school in the country? Doctor.

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Long Medical Jokes

A man goes to a doctor

A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on." The doctor asked.

"That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee."

The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 bucks, just lend me 10 bucks!!"

"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.

"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.

The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 bucks. Lend me 5 bucks please if you can."

I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.

"I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I’d say your leg appears to be broke in three places."

My neighbor is a 90 year old with alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me If I've seen his wife. Everyday I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question

But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.

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EDIT: I found the joke in a medical group (in a different language and translated it, hence the difference in phrasing) and thought since it's in a different language it's not that well known, but since it's actually from Anthony Jeselnik show, credit goes to him.

The Unemployed Engineer

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic:
"A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."
A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "This is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back. Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak." Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note. Doctor: "But this is $500..." Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

An unemployed engineer opens a clinic..

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic:
"A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."


The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."


The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.

Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."

Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.

Doctor: "But this is $500..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

Donald Trump, a Black man and a Jew are sitting in a hospital...

their wives all gave birth to healthy babies around the same time and are now resting. The three men are sitting in a room nearby when a nurse comes in and tells them there has been a mix-up, a nurse forgot to put identifying bracelets on the babies before taking them for a medical exam and now they don't know which baby is which.

She asks them if they could help identify their babies and the Jew goes first. One minute later, he steps out of the nursery holding a black baby, the Black man gets up and says ''Hey man, I'm pretty sure that one's mine'' to which the Jew replies ''One of those babies is a Trump, and I'm not taking any chances!''

A doctor and a lawyer

During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.

Starting salary.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

The difference between "guts" and "balls" according to the British military.

There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”, according to the British military. We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.

Do they, however, know the difference between them? Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the “Guts” to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the “Balls” to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal.

An engineer who was unemployed....

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." .
Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." .
Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back. Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak." .
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.

Doctor: "But this is $500..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500.

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a
visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by
saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is
over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't
you like to give something back to
your community?.

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research
also show you that my mother is dying
after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are
far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh... No, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled
Veteran, is blind and confined to a
wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?

The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband
died in a dreadful car accident, leaving
her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is
disabled and another that has learning
disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.

And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what
makes you think I'd give any to you?

"No Jews Allowed"

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews please.'

Sending a written message, the captain replied:

'Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending three of my best and most prized officers.

One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design.

The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern university in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate.

Finally, the third officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda .'

Upon receiving this letter, the mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by three handsome naval officers (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, three very handsome, smiling black officers.

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, 'There must be some mistake.'

'No, Madam,' said the first officer, 'Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.'

Donald Trump...

-A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East.

-Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.

-Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

-The rest of the world is in shock.

-Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace.

-Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance.

-Latin American countries are sending clothing.

-New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

-The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.

-Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

-President Trump, not to be outdone, is sending back two million replacement Muslims.

Why hasn't the towns most successful lawyer ever made a donation? ...

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you did not give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um, no." The lawyer interrupts, "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Jim and Mary.

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

A heart of gold.

A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s banker, so the director made a phone call. “Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?”

The banker replied, “Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?”

“Um, no,” mumbled the director.

“Or that my brother is unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband left, leaving her broke with four kids?”

“I … I … I had no idea.”

“So,” said the banker, “if I don’t give them any money, why would I give any to you?”

Two Soldiers Walk Into A Bar...

It’s the height of the Vietnam War, and deep in the jungles U.S. Army Privates Chip and Dan have just been promoted to Sergeants.

Now Chip hasn’t always been the brightest bulb, and he’s been known to need some time to process big changes.

As Chip and Dan are doing their rounds one afternoon, Dan sees a cantina up the street. He leans over to his friend and says, “Hey Chip, lets swing by that bar and take a load off.”

Now it takes Chip a moment to think it over when he says, “Dan, we can’t go into that there bar. We’re Privates, and only Sergeants and above can hangout off base!”

Dan laughs at his dull friend and retorts, “Chip, bud, we aren’t Privates, we’re Sergeants now!” And they saunter on in.

The duo head in and take two stools and Dan wastes no time ordering two cold beers over. Now Chip starts getting nervous and he leans over to Dan and whispers, “Dan I don’t know about this... Privates aren’t supposed to drink! Only Sergeants and above are allowed to consume alcohol!”

Dan chuckles, shaking his head at his simple friends worries; “Chip ol’ pal, your forgetting; Privates can’t drink, but we’re Sergeants now! Take a load off!” And upon this realization, Chip relaxes a little and the two enjoy a few more beers together.

The night rolls on and the two get pretty tipsy when later in the evening Dan draws the attention of a young prostitute. She is very interested in Dan, but she leans over and whispers to him, “Baby I think your very cute, I’d love to show you a good time, I’ve just got Gonorrhea so I’ll let you decide if you want me tonight.”

Now Dan isn’t too fluent in Vietnamese, so he leans over to Chip and asks, “Chip, can you do me a favor. I don’t know what ‘Gonorrhea’ means; Can you run back to base and see what you can find out? If it’s a good thing, just give me a thumbs up and I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”

Chip agrees, runs back to base, and about an hour later returns to the door of the bar and gives Dan a thumbs up and an all clear.

A week goes by and Dan is in the medical wing on base groaning and moaning about his unfortunate ailment when Chip comes by to visit him.

“Damn it Chip! You said Gonorrhea was a good thing!,” shouted Dan.

“No,” said Chip smiling, “You see, I looked it up, and Gonorrhea effects only the privates, but you don’t need to worry because we’re Sergeants now.”

Two medical students were

walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.


After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"


"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."


The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.


The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.


When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

A hero at a mental hospital.

John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and sabed John bu pilling him out.

The medical director came to know of David’s heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be okay.

The doctor met with David and said, “We have good news and bad news for you! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and died after all.”

David replied, “Doctor, John didn’t hang himself. I hung him there to dry.”

Retirement bonus

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points of his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.


The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.


The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.
He walked out with $96,000.


The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.' It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to
go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.


The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.


"Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed, ''Where are your testicles?''
The old Chief calmly replied, ''Vietnam''.

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