Little Kid Jokes

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Funniest Little Kid Jokes

Funny Little Kid Jokes

I was at an atm and some little kid asked me to help him check his balance ... So I pushed him over

2 kids arguing. 2 little kids were arguing over who's dad has a better job. First kid says,"My dads a doctor." Second kis say,"Yeah well my dad's lawyer." Astonished the first kid says," Honest?" The second kid replied "No, the usual kind."

Three things that never lie..... Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants

Whats common between dark jokes and little kids with cancer... They never get old.

When I was a little kid, I had this friend that was always counting. I wonder what he's up to these days.

I got kicked out of a pool for peeing in it The lifeguard started yelling, telling me to stop.

"But all the little kids do it too!" I yelled back.

"But not while standing on the diving board!"

What's big, bounces, and makes little kids cry? My donation check to the orphanage.

What's the difference between Harambe and Michael Jackson? Harambe got punished for touching little kids.

Where did Napoleon keep his armies? IN HIS SLEEVIES!

Best used with little kids, or followed by maniacal laughter.

When I was a little kid, my dad would swear then say "Excuse my French" One day the teacher asked if anyone could speak a foreign language and I raised my hand

Harambe Memes died just like Harambe himself... When the little kids jumped in.

A FedEx guy knocks on the door.... A FedEx guy knocks on the door. A little kid answers, naked except underpants, smoking a joint & holding half a bottle of Scotch.

FedEx guy says "Kid, is your mother home?"

The kid says "What do *you* think?"

What do you call a Mexican who likes little kids? A pedrophile.

I saw 4 people beating up a little kid so I decided to help He didn't stand a chance against 5 of us

I bought a CD of ice cream van music. Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces..

What do little kids call trail mix? M&M’s with *obstacles*.

What do you call little kids in Belgium? Brusselsprouts

Saw a little kid getting bashed by 2 men on the street, so I stopped to help. He didn't stand a chance against the 3 of us

Little kids will do anything for five bucks. Just ask a Chinese factory

Yesterday I saw a little kid who kept refusing to go home for a nap. He was resisting a rest.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a Xbox? They're both made of plastic, and little kids turn them on.

Old joke (1930s) - Little kid comes in late to school. Teacher says, "Why ya late?"... Kid says, "Had a take a heifer down—get 'er bred."

Teacher says, "Couldn't your father do it?"

Kid says, "Sure he could, but not as good as the bull."

I saw 4 gang members beating up a little kid So I decided to step in, there's no chance he can take all 5 of us.

What do you call a little kid with no friends? A Sandy Hook survivor.

When I was a little kid, I would wait up all night waiting for santa to come. Then there was an awkward silence when he got up, put his pants on, and left.

This little kid at the shops an hour ago: Why was Tigger in the bathroom for so long? He had Pooh inside him..

I laughed which made the little fellas day.

Little kid ask His dad: daddy what is MACHO? Dad:
its a person who is in charge, makes desicions, gives orders and everyone around obeys those orders.
Kid:
When I grow up I want to be a real macho just like Mom.

What is the difference between boogers and Brussels sprouts? Little kids will eat boogers.

When i was a little kid my parents changed houses a lot. But I always found them.

What's the difference between broccoli and a booger ? little kids won't eat broccoli .

Heard this joke from a little kid. Why was the broken phonograph in the Hall of Fame? Because it broke all the records.

A guy and a little kid are walking into the woods... Kid say to the guy "but I'm scared of the dark"
Guy says "you think your scared I'm the one that has to walk out of here alone"

How are ps4s and Micheal Jackson similar? They're both plastic and get turned on by little kids.

A little kid swallows 6 plastic horses... It’s Ok
His condition is stable

I was walking down the street the other day and I saw 4 guys ganging up on a little kid I walked right on past because I figured reposting would be a bigger crime than helping beat the kid up.

A little kid was watching Donald Trump talk about England. "Mommy, why is it called a kingdom?" "Because, honey, it's ruled by a *king*!"

"Then why is the U.S. called a country?"

What's the difference between snot and broccoli? Little kids won't eat broccoli.

All of us had a good time with those Harambe memes Now the joke is dead because all of you little kids jumped into it.

2 little kids, Billy and Tom, are goofing around in a cannibal village. Billys mum sticks her head out and yells... "Billy, stop playing with your food!"

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A Catholic Priest and a little kid walk into a store Both go home crying
Both lost something
The priest lost his wallet
The kid lost his innocence.....






......because he stole the priests wallet

A little kid goes up to his dad and asks: "Dad, what's a clitoris?" The dad, quite surprised, answers: "Well listen son, a clitoris is a... uh - hmmm... Dang it! I forgot but I swear it was right on the tip of my tongue!"

Courtesy of a little kid in Hebrew school: What do Israelis do in the summer? They fly kaitz

The doorbell rang and there was a little kid dressed as Gloria Gaynor. At first I was afraid... Then I was petrified!

This little kid bragging about sleeping in a race car bed. STFU you little idiot, I don't even have a car.

Priests should be called night lights... cause little kids turn them on.

What happens when the world’s powerful diddle little kids? Jeffery Epstein commits suicide in jail so loose ends can be cut.

A little kid asks his friend: what did your parents give you on Christmas? He says: I've got a bicycle, a lot of Legos, an iphone, an ipad, and a trip to DisneyWorld.

The first kid says: You're so lucky, I wish I had cancer too.

What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? Neil Armstrong walked on the moon...

while Michael Jackson touched little kids

My friend drank a tin of wood varnish In the beginning the death throes were terrible, but a lovely finish.

(This joke was invented and told to me by my uncle Raymond when I was a little kid)

a little kid at school opens a violin case... A little kid at school opens a violin case and there is a big gun inside. The little kid says:
"I'm curious what is my father going to do in the bank with my violin..."

When I was a little kid, I used to look up to my father. What am I supposed to do? Look down? He was a meter taller than me!

Beware: This was a Joke I made when I was a Little Kid Why can't you build an acidic tower?

​

It would have no base.

A little kid told me this joke one time and I thought it was genius. “Why was the clown sad?”

“Idk why?....”

“Cause he got shot in the face...”

What do you call a little kid that dresses up like a cop for halloween? Blueface baby

Little kid: I don’t believe in God Youth pastor: [tussling his hair] well he believes in YOU champ

Little kid: yeah cuz I’m real, fuckface

What do priests and ps4s have in common? They both get turned on by little kids

Nobody believes me when I tell them I had a splinter when touring Spain and a playful little kid helped get rid of it. Nobody expects the Spanish imp incision.

Little kids at the airport act like they’re going to the dentist I don’t get what they’re so afraid of. No ones going to dig at your cavities at the airport, unless you look like a threat.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Jared Fogel? One like little kids on his ranch,






































The other likes ranch on his little kids! ?

I knew it would be rough raising little kids in Chicago when I already was 50 years old But they beat me up every morning.

What's the difference between boogers and broccoli? Little kids don't eat broccoli.

I'm free! I'm free! A prisoner is finally released, after many years in jail. He stands at the pavement, yelling, "I'm free! I'm free!" - A little kid walks up to him happily and joins, “I’m four! I’m four!"

Little kids are like fidget spinners They're overhyped.

Oh yeah and they spin easier when you stick something metal through them.

Today I saw 4 guys beating up a little kid, so I decided to help. He had no chance against all 5 of us.

I miss being a little kid on Halloween Unfortunately I got in a little trouble for that last year

Did you ever blow bubbles in the bath when you were a little kid? Because he's back in town and he wants your number.

I saw four guys beat beat up a little kid today, so I decided to help. He had no chance against all five of us.

Male employee at a kindergarten gets yelled at by little kids "You're not my father!" Says a little boy.
"And that I'm thankful for..." Anwsers the employee
"...Especially after I saw your mother."

Santa's Joke A little kid wrote to Santa, "Dear Santa, this Christmas please send me a cute little sister." Few days later, a letter was sent back to the kid from Santa and it said "Sure. I'll visit your mom tonight. "

What are the similarities between an Xbox and Michael Jackson. They're both made of plastic, and little kids turn them on.

A little kid came up to me and said... "I have two mommies."
"Really?", I said. "Your parents are lesbians?"
"No, my mom's just a schizophrenic."

As a little kid, my teacher once said "If you can't say something nice, then say nothing at all." So I said, "Okay. Your voice sounds really pretty when you say that steaming bullshit."

Get a brother A little kids sends a letter to Santa that says: "Dear Santa I want a brother for Christmas." Santa writes back, "Dear Timmy send me me your mommy."

I could win an Olympic gold medal If the women's gymnastic balance beam was a male competition too, I could win the gold medal. I've been mastering a 4 inch wood beam since I was a little kid

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a Disney movie? Disney movies can still touch little kids.

Why can the Devil never go back to Georgia? He fiddled up a little kid.

What's the difference difference between Hitler and a little kid? Hitler didn't get a medal for trying to finish a race.

What's the gateway drug to propofol? Little kids.

This came up in a work conversation, I didn't know if it was already a joke...

I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn’t serious. Nobody saw me.

Anthony Jeselnik.

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Long Little Kid Jokes

A biker is passing the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.” The biker replies, “Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”

The reporter says, “Well, I’m a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page… so, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?”

The biker replies, “I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican.”

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

“U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.”

A lawer, a surgeon, and a janitor are going on a camping trip...

when they discover a magical wizard. He says, "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The lawyer says, "Easy! I'll be a kindergarten teacher! How hard can it be to read to a bunch of little kids?" He gets transported into a classroom. He starts off strong, but after two hours, the kids' screams get to him and he gives up in frustration.

Next, the surgeon says, "I've got this! I'll just be a waiter, all they do is walk around with trays of food all day." He is transported into a restaurant. After three hours, the annoying customers drive him insane and he quits out of rage.

Finally, it's the janitor's turn. He says, "I'll be an artist for a day." So he is teleported into an art studio. He takes a bunch of random paint and junk from around the studio and makes an abstract painting which he sells for 100 million dollars.

In awe, the genie asks, "Wow, that was amazing! How did you do it?"

The janitor replies, "I have a masters degree in art."

Girls night out

A group of 15 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they only had $6.00 between them and Jimmy Johnson, that cute boy in Social Studies, lives on that street and they might see him and they can ride their bikes there.

10 years later, the group of 25 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where theyshould meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and if they go late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

10 years later, at 45 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big, and the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later, at 55 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was reasonable, the wine list was good, they had windows that open in case of a hot flash, and fish is good for your cholesterol.

10 years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

10 years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because food was not too spicy, the restaurant was handicapped accessible and they even had an elevator!

10 years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

Two little kids are in hospital beds next to each other.

The first kid leans over and asks, What are you in here for?

The second kid says, I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”

The first kid says,“You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jelly and ice-cream. It’s a breeze.

Cool, says the second kid.“What are you in here for?“

A circumcision.”

Whoa! exclaims the second kid. Good luck, mate. I had that done just after I was born and I couldn’t walk for a year.

A little kid is tossing a nickel in the air and catching it in his mouth...

The little kid says "Hey dad watch this!" and does it again. This time he actually inhales the nickel and starts choking.

The dad realizes what is happening and slaps the kid on the back trying to dislodge the nickel. Nothing. The gives the kid the Heimlich maneuver, still nothing.

In his desperation the father calls out, "Help! My son is choking on a nickel. Someone help!"

Up walks an attractive woman dressed in a business suit, brief case in hand. She reaches out and grabs the kid by the balls and gives a hard squeeze, with a cough and a spurt, out pops the nickel. Without missing a beat, she catches the nickel in mid air and pops it in her pocket.

Amazed the dad asks, "Are you a doctor? I've never seen anyone do that for a choking victim."

"No, sir." Says the attractive woman. "Im a divorce lawyer."

The story of Strongman Dria

In Iraq there was a man named Dria who lived in a small village. Dria was special, because he was as strong as 10 men combined. However, as a way to level the playing field, Dria wasn't very smart. He's like a little kid who doesn't realize his own power. One day Dria's grandmother becomes very ill, and there's nothing in the world Dria loves more than his gram-gram, so he vows to save his grandma no matter the cost. But because he doesn't realize how special he is, he can't think of any ways to earn enough money to save his grandmother. As he's walking around town trying to find money, a shady looking dude comes out of an alley way and waves Dria over.
"I've heard things about you. I have a group of friends that could use your help. Care to join? We'll pay you."
Dria jumps at the chance, but little does he realize he has just joined a local terrorist cell attempting to make a name for themselves. He heads to their hideout, and after a couple days Dria conducts his first raid. He performs amazing feats of strength, flipping cars and tearing doors off of their hinges. He manages to squeeze every dime out of the people of the village. A new recruit was mesmerized by what Dria did, and after the raid went and talked to him.
"Wow! Your strength is amazing! But why are you helping us when you could be doing good for others?"
"My gram-gram is sick and the guys here said they'd pay me if I helped them."
"Oh ok. How much have they paid you?"
"Well, nothing so far, but I'll get it soon!"
The recruit was heartbroken by the story, but didn't want to ruin everything for the men he now calls his brothers, so he says nothing. More raids are conducted, and with each one the recruit's heart sinks a little more, until he just can't take it.
"Dria, I have something to tell you. You've been conned. You aren't going to see even a little bit of the money."
Dria, absolutely furious that he'd been duped, leaves the hideout, and runs to the hills. Upon hearing the news, the leaders of the terrorist cell aren't worried.
"We are rich! We don't need a strongman, we can conduct the raids ourselves!"
However, when the terrorists tried again, they failed miserably. They couldn't take any money from the villagers that they had previously robbed. The group eventually broke up because they no longer had the funds to attack people. And thus, all of the members of the terrorist cell learned a very valuable lesson that day: that the might of conned Dria was the powerhouse of the cell.

Three drunk vampires make a bet to see who is the best at taking blood from their victims.

The first one transforms into a bat and flies away. After a couple of minutes he comes back with some blood in his lips. The other two ask him where he got it from.

"See that little kid over there? That's where."

The second vampire transforms himself into a bat and comes back with even more blood than the first one. They ask him where he got it from.

"See that man over there? That's the guy I got it from."

The third one also transforms himself into a bat. It doesn't take him too long to come back. His entire body is covered in blood. The other two are amazed and ask him where he got it from.

"See that wall over there?"

They nod.

"Well, I didn't."

A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage.

A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, “Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.”

The Harley rider replies, “Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”

The reporter says, “Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, you know, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?”

The biker replies “I’m a U.S. Marine, a Republican and I’m voting for Trump.”

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

“TRUMP SUPPORTER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH”

EDIT: Improved punchline per u/none31415 suggestion

Soviet Joke

Moscow, 1985, 3rd grade class

Teacher: Life in Soviet Union is great, all families have a nice apartment, a car, all children have nice toys!

Little Kid starts crying

Teacher: Vladimir, why are you crying??

Little Kid: I wanna go to Soviet Union!!

A plane just landed...

Little Kid: "Were almost home now they just have to park the plane."

His Dad: "Better hope they dont forget to put the parking brake on so we dont go back up."

I heard this on my plane ride and the Dad's family looked like they wanted to spit on him for his magnificent Dad joke.

A man was accused of beating his wife to death... [long]

A man is in court.

Judge: "You are accused of beating your wife to death. If you want to expect
any mercy, you'll have to give us a damn good reason."

Man: "She was so stupid, I just had to kill her."

Judge: "That is even worse. If you don't want to be declared guilty on the spot, you better give us a plausible reason."

Man: Well it happened like this. We live in this apartment complex and the
property manager lives in the first floor with his family. The kids all have a
growth deficiency.

So one day, my wife comes up and says: Those little kids, they look like pyrenees.

So I say: You mean pygmy.

"No", says my wife. Pygmy is what you have under your skin, it causes freckles.

"That's pigment", I say.

So she says "No, pigment is what the ancient Romans were writing on."

I sigh and say: "No, that's parchment!".

"No", says she, "parchment is an unfinished sentence".

"Your honor, you can imagine, I swallowed the 'fragment', I got back to my armchair
and my newspaper. But then suddenly she's back with a book, and she says:

"Honey, check out this weird sentence, it says: 'The sun roof of the purse was
the teacher of pimp fifteen".

I take the book and say, "but honey, this is in French. It says 'La Marquise
de Pompadour est la Maitresse de Lois XV.' It means 'The marquise of Pompadour
was the lover of Louis the 15th'"

"No!", says my wife, "you have to translate it literally:"

La Marquise - the sunroof. Pompadour - the purse. La Maitresse - the teacher,
Louis XV - pimp 15. I should know, I got a legionnaire for my french lessons.

I say: "You mean a lector".

"No", says my wife, "Lector was an ancient Greek hero."

I say: "That was Hector, and he was a Trojan."

"Nope", says she, "Hector is a measure of area."

"That'd be hectare"

"No! Hectare is the drink of the gods!"

"That'd be nectar".

"No", says she, "the Nectar is a river in southern Germany."

So I say: "That's the Neckar."

She says: "No, I must know, there's even a song about it. I recently sung it
in a duo with my friend"

I say: "It's a duet"

She replies, "No, that's when two men are fighting with a saber."

"That's a duel", I say.

"No, a duel is where a railway goes through a mountain!"

Well, your honor, so I took a hammer and beat her to death...

There was a long silence, shocked faces. Finally the judge says: Not guilty.
I would have killed her at "Hector".

I was bullied...

When I was a little kid this other kid in a wheelchair used to bully me but I couldn't do anything about it because I felt bad making fun of him. So for the rest of my life people knew me as the guy who "couldn't stand up for himself" and I think that's ironic considering it all.

When I was a little kid I had a pet turtle. Tiny little turtle, kept him in an aquarium. When i went to camp, the turtle died. When i got home, my dad lied to me. He said, "your turtle is live and well, it just went to go live with your mother." And i believed that til i was digging in the backyard

...found my mom's body.

Smh worst day of my life,
I loved that turtle

Two little kids are in a hospital...

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

A kid gets onto his school bus and starts annoying the bus driver...

The little kid sits down in the front seat and starts saying
kid:"If my parents were tigers, id be a little tiger!'
kid: "If my parents were giraffes, id be a little giraffe!"

Bus Driver: "shut up, shut up"

Kid: "If my parents were dogs id be a little dog!"

finally the driver gets annoyed and says: "O yea? what if your mom was a prostitute and your dad was a homo? Then what would u be?!"

Kid: "A bus driver."

A prisoner spends years digging a tunnel out of jail ...

He comes up inside a preschool yard. He starts jumping up and down and screaming "I'm free!! I'm free!!"

A little kid tugs on his pants. The prisoner looks down and the kid says nonchalantly: "So what? I'm four."

At school, a teacher is teaching little kids Mathematics.

At school, a teacher is teaching little kids Mathematics. She says: "Does anybody of you already know how to count? For example you, what's your name?"
"My name is George Lucas. Yes, I know how to count."
"Please show me."
"Four, five, six, one two, three."

A german, a frenchman, and a greek crash in the amazon

A german, a frenchman, and a greek are on a plane. The plane crashes in the amazon. They meet the natives and they say "don't kill us" and the amazonians say "We will not kill you, but you have to do something. You have to spend 10 years in a cave. We will fill the cave up with all the provisions you need and whatever you want."

They ask the german what he wants. He says "I want bratwurst. I want sausages everywhere. I wanna eat'em all the time, and I wanna eat a lot." So they fill the cave up with sausages.
They ask the frenchman what he wants. He says "I want women. I want women everywhere. I don't what kind of women; what age, what color, what size. I just want women." So they fill the cave up with women.
They ask the greek guy. He says "I want cigarettes. I wanna chain smoke all the time. I wanna smoke my way through the 10 years." So they fill the cave up with cigarettes.


10 years pass and it is time to open the caves. They open the german's cave. Out comes one huge beast of a man, so gelatinous, they can barely get him through the door.
They open the frenchman's cave. And they see little kids playing around, women talking to each other, and the frenchman humping away at another woman in bed.
they open the greek guy's cave. He is sitting on top of a pile of unopened cigarettes. He says "A lighter...........give me a lighter!"

A little boy is walking along the beach when he sees a pirate.

Excited, he runs up to the pirate and says "Mr Pirate! How did you get that peg leg?"

The pirate says "Argh, one day me ship was in a battle on the high seas, and a cannonball came over and lopped me off at the knee. Tis the life of a pirate."

The kid's eyes get really big, and he says a little more quietly "How did you get that hook for a hand?"

The pirate says "Argh, same battle, a swashbuckling swordsman boarded our ship, and he lopped me off at the wrist before I ran him through! Tis the life of a pirate!"

The little kid's eyes got even bigger, and he timidly asked one more question: "And Mr Pirate, how did you get that patch on your eye?"

The pirate answered "One fine day we were sailing the high seas. I looked up, and a seagull shat right in my eye".

The little boy looked puzzled. "That's how you lost your eye?"

The pirate answered "Arrrr, no. That was the first day I had me damned hook!"

Bus driver

A little kid gets on a city bus, sits right behind the driver, and starts talking loudly, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow, I'd be a little bull."

The driver gets annoyed as the kids continues to yammer on. "If my dad was an rooster and my mom a hen, I would be a little chick."

The kid goes on and on with all the animals he knows, when finally, the bus driver yells, "What if your dad was a bum and your mom was a drunk?"

The kid smiles and says, "I'd be a bus driver."

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