Walk Into A Bar Jokes

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Funniest Walk Into A Bar Jokes

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar You can't tell me that's just a coincidence .

Funny Walk Into A Bar Jokes

A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks. "We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says bartender.

An infinite number of people walk into a bar... The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer...


The bartender pulls out two beers and tells them to know their limits.

Joke I made up: Caveman and a bear walk into a bar. Bartender says "what's your story?" Caveman says... Bear with me...

A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Ceasar walk into a bar. He came, he saw, he conquered.

C and C++ walk into a bar... After a few hours, C gets sloppy drunk and spills its drink all over C++. Outraged, C++ shouts, "good God C! Have you no class??"

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar... An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...

The Englishman wanted to go so they all had to leave.

Two fat ladies walk into a bar They order drinks, in a thick accent.

"You two ladies from Ireland?" asks the bartender.

Offended, one of them replies "Wales!"

"Oh I'm so sorry," says the bartender, "Are you two whales from Ireland?"

The bartender said we don't serve time travellers. Two men walk into a bar.

An Englishman, a Scotsman and a Northern Irishman walk into a bar The Englishman wants to leave, so they all have to.

A feminist and a Muslim walk into a bar. - comedy removed due to complaints -

An ego and a superego walk into a bar. The bartender says "I'll have to see some id"

Two men walk into a bar. One man orders H2O. The other says,"I'll have H2O, too." The second man dies.



That's why you shouldn't repost.

Two blondes walk into a bar You’d think the second one would have ducked

An atheist, a vegan, and a crossfitter walk into a bar I know because they told me.

(Nerdy joke) Two chicks walk into a bar... Two chicks walk into a bar. One says to the other,"Have you ever heard of the Bechdel test?" The other says,"Yeah, my boyfriend was telling me about it the other day."

An atheist, a vegan, and a crossfitter walk into a bar... I only know because they told everyone within two minutes.

4 Norse god, 1 Roman god, and 2 astronomical bodies walk into a bar The bartender says " Oh, this is a gonna be a week joke"

A priest, a paedophile and a rapist walk into a bar And that was just the first guy

Three logicians walk into a bar.. The bartender asks, "would all three of you like some beer?"

The first one replies,"I don't know"

The second one replies, "I don't know either"

The third replies, "Yes all three of us would like a beer"

A black man and an autistic man walk into a bar The autistic man orders a shot, but the black man gets it instead

Three feminists walk into a bar. They look at one another and say, "Hooray! We've taken over a male-dominated joke format!"

Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar… followed by Batman.

A verb, a preposition, an article, and a noun Walk into a bar

A white guy, a black guy, an Indian, an Asian women and a girl in a wheel chair walk into a bar They are celebrating being on the cover of a middle school math book

Sixteen sodiums walk into a bar... ...followed by Batman.

Three logicians walk into a bar The bartender asks: "Do you all want a drink?"

The first logician says: "I don't know."

The second logician says: "I don't know."

The third logician says: "Yes."

A Cuban, a Canadian, and a white supremacist walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Ah, Senator Cruz, what are you having?"

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve time travellers here." Two time travellers walk into a bar.

Oxygen, Hydrogen, Sulfur, Sodium, and Phosphorus walk into a bar. The bartender says: "OH SNaP"

A human, an elf and a dwarf walk into a bar... The Hobbit laughs and walks under it.

Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "Do all of you want a drink?" The first logician says, "I don't know."
The second logician says, "I don't know."
The third logician says, "Yes!"

A conman, a mentally handicapped person, and a Russian spy walk into a bar And the bartender asks, "What will it be, Mr. President?"

The Minnesota Vikings walk into a bar To watch the Super Bowl

The bartender said we don't serve time travellers... Two time travellers walk into a bar

An atheist, vegan, and crossfitter walk into a bar I don't know what happened because I left

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar... The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, "You're all a bunch of idiots."

10, 27, 28, 30, 32 walk into a bar... 10 says "I'm drinking age, I swear!" The bartender says "Outlier!"

Two scientists walk into a bar The first one says “I’ll have some H2O.” The second one says, “I’ll have some H2O too.” The bartender pours them both hydrogen peroxide because he's tired of their bullshit every day

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New Walk Into A Bar Jokes

The bartender says "Sorry we don't serve time travelers" Two time travelers walk into a bar

A Priest a rabbit and a Minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit,what'll you have? The rabbit says" I don't know I'm only here because of auto correct".

Two dragons walk into a bar. One says to the other "It's hot in here" The other replies "shut your mouth"

So Mark Zuckerberg and The Pope walk into a bar... They sit down when suddenly Mark spills his drink on The Popes' robes. They get into a fight. A film crew recorded them duking it out and made a film out of it...

Alien vs Predator

A bartender said "Sorry, we don't serve time travellers". Two time travellers walk into a bar

4 Norse Gods, 1 Roman God, and 2 Astrological bodies walk into a bar. The bartender says: “Oh, this is gonna be a week joke.”

Two men walk into a bar Man 1: I’ll have a H20 please

Man 2: I’ll have a H20 too

The second man died

What do you called it when a Stoner, a Jedi and a Surgeon walk into a bar? Blunt Force Trauma

A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar The minister asks the rabbit what he'll take.

"I don't know. I'm only here because of autocorrect."

The Beach Boys walk into a bar... "Round?"
"Round?"
"Get a round"
"I get a round?"
"Get a round...."

Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar You can't tell me that's a coincidence

Two elves walk into a bar The dwarf laughs and walks under it

A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar One came, one saw, and one conquered.

An anti-vaxxer, an entitled woman, and a Karen walk into a bar She demands to speak to the manager

An ego and a superego walk into a bar. The bartender says "I'm gonna need to see some id".

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar You can't tell me that's a coincidence

An Englishman , an Irishman and an Australian walk into a bar. Those were the days..

Jack, a semi colon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar. They both have a great time.

An English man, Irish man and Scottish man An English man, Irish man and Scottish man walk into a Bar


Those were the days

Two old guys walk into a bar. There was a dog on a leash outside licking its balls. One guy said “I wish I could do that”. The other guy said “how about you start petting him first”.

A sheep, drum and a snake walk into a bar Baaa, dum, tssssss

Stoner walks into a bar A stoner, a Jedi and a surgeon walk into a bar

Blunt force trauma

A Baptist preacher, a Catholic priest, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit takes a look around and says, "I'm beginning to think I'm a typo."

A bishop, a priest, and a rabbit walk into a bar The rabbit says “I think I’m a typo”

Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar C’mon man, you can’t tell me this is a coincidence.

A priest, a rapist and a paedophile walk into a bar. He orders a beer.

Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. Now, that seems awfully convenient to be a coincidence, doesn’t it.

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar Yeah, we're really supposed to believe that happens randomly?

An atheist, a vegan, and a cross-fitter walk into a bar... And everybody knows within ten minutes.

A priest, a rabbi, a minister, a blonde, a duck and a horse walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "is this some kind of joke?"

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar... You can’t tell me that was just a coincidence!

Three Logicians walk into a Bar... The waitress asks: "Does everyone want beer?"

The first logician replies: "I don't know."

The second logician says: "I don't know."

Finally, the third logician answers: "YES, we all want beer!"

A leprechaun, a walking tree, and a dragon walk into a bar I should quit drinking

A bigot, a liar, and a rapist walk into a bar The bartender asks, "what'll it be, Mr. President?"

Aragorn and Legolas walk into a bar. Gimli laughs and walks under it.

An ego and a superego walk into a bar. The bartender says “I’ll have to see some id”.

The Beach Boys Walk Into A Bar Bartender: “Round”

BB: “Round?”

Bartender: “Get a Round”

BB: “I’ll get a Round”

A bad joke 2 tall guys and a midget walk into a bar.
The 2 tall guys say "ow" and the midget laughs in victory.

Sorry for the bad joke it is my cake day and I don't have anything interesting to post.

Two chemists walk into a bar. One says "I'll have H20." The other says, "I'll have H20 too." They both enjoy a nice glass of water, because what kind of bar has hydrogen peroxide on tap?

Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can't tell me that's just a coincidence .

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Long Walk Into A Bar Jokes

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along"

"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."

"But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"

"I know how limits work" interjects the bartender

"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"

"Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"

"HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches

Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.

The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA"

The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"

The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish.

A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"

"It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

Scotsman, Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar

Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks
you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. Then the Englishman asked, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not to me, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

101 lemmings walk into a bar

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A Priest, Rabbi and Atheist walk into a bar and each ask for a drink

The bartender, saying nothing and looking disdained, points to a sign clearly labelled: **NO JOKES SERVED HERE**

Without a fight the Priest, Rabbi and Atheist leave the bar, heads hanging.

The next day a chicken walks in and plops down on the barstool.

Wiping the inside of a glass, the bartender approached and asks the chicken “Are you part of this joke?”

“Yeah.” the chicken replies.

Again, he points to the sign: **NO JOKES SERVED HERE**

The chicks argues “Well then how’s a chicken supposed to get his beak wet?”

The bartender pointed out the window and said “There’s another bar across the road.”

A man and his family walk into a bar...

Inside of the bar, the man's youngest child sees a Native American sitting under a sign stating "World's longest memory". The child walks up to sign and decides to test if this sign is true. The child asks "What did you have for breakfast 30 years ago?" The Native American states "eggs." The child states that the native could have just made that up, and then later leaves the bar.

Years later, when the child returns back with his own family he sees the same native at the bar. Walking up to the man, he states a stereotypical "how!" The Native replies "scrambled."

4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:

"I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."

A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

The broom swept the nation away.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back for seconds.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france? There was nothing but des brie.

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down.

I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.

What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison.

What should you do if you’re cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.

How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.

The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery.

What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter.

What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs? You have a vowel movement.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.

Sausage puns are the wurst.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

How did Darth Vader know what luke was getting him for his birthday? He could sense his presence.

Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.

What’s the difference between a bench, a fish, and a bucket of glue? You can’t tune a bench but you can tuna fish. I bet you got stuck on the bucket of glue part.

What’s it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials.

Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, it’s too cheesy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales.

Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban.

Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.

Why did the man dig a hole in his neighbor’s backyard and fill it with water? Because he meant well.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up? It becomes daytrogen.

What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks.

What’s america’s favorite soda? Mini soda.

Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.

What kind of car does a sheep drive? A lamborghini, but if that breaks down they drive their SuBAHHru.

What do you call a spanish pig? Porque.

What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards? A receding hairline.

Why don’t vampires go to barbecues? They don’t like steak.

A cabbage and celery walk into a bar and the cabbage gets served first because he was a head.

How do trees access the internet? They log on.

Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.

A bear walks into bar. Bartender asks, “What would you like to drink”? Bear says, “I’ll have a rum and coke...

My Boss: What’s the joke? I don’t get it.
Me: What do you mean you don’t get it? Just think about it.
My Boss: The Bear can talk?
Me: No, that’s not the joke.
My Boss: The Bear can walk into a bar?
Me: No, that’s not the joke either.
My Boss: The Bear likes to drink?
Me: No, you’re overthinking it.
My Boss: Okay can you just explain it to me then?
Me: Of course not that would ruin the joke!

*** Conversation eventually changes topics because my Boss doesn’t care anymore, I leave work a few hours later***

***I go to my boss’s office the next morning***

Me: Hey Boss can I talk to you about something?

My Boss: Yeah sure what is it?

Me: ...and would you mind throwing a few ice cubes in there?” Bartender asks, “Why the long pause?” Bear replies, “I was born with them!”

Anyways, I need a new job so if anyone’s hiring please let me know.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first orders a beer...
The second orders half a beer...
The third orders one quarter of a beer...
The fourth orders one eighth of a beer...

The bartender pours two beers for the entire group, and replies "cmon guys, know your limits."

A Priest, Rabbi and Atheist walk into a bar and each ask for a drink.

The bartender, saying nothing and looking disdainful, points to a sign clearly labelled: NO JOKES SERVED HERE

Without a fight the Priest, Rabbi and Atheist leave the bar, heads hanging.

The next day a chicken walks in and plops down on the barstool.

Wiping the inside of a glass, the bartender approaches and asks the chicken “Are you part of this joke?”

“Yeah.” the chicken replies.

Again, he points to the sign: NO JOKES SERVED HERE

The chicken argues “Well then how’s a chicken supposed to get his beak wet?”

The bartender moves his pointed finger from the sign to the window.

“There’s another bar across the road.”

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a beer.


The second orders half a beer.


"I don't serve half-beers," the bartender replies.


"Excuse me?" asks mathematician #2.


The bartender remarks, "What kind of bar serves half-beers? That's ridiculous."


"Oh c'mon!" says mathematician #1, "Do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along."


"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."


"But that's not a problem," mathematician #3 chimes in, "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"


"I know how limits work," interjects the bartender.


"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"


"Are you kidding me?" the bartender replies, "You learn limits in, like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"


Mathematician #1 screeches, "HE'S ON TO US!"


Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.


The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS!" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA!!!"


The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait," he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, progressives will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"


The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment.


"My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they suddenly vanish.


A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"


"It's simple really," the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

An etymologist, an entomologist, and an etiologist walk into a bar.

"What'll it be?" The bartender asks.

"I'll have a beer," the etymologist says. "A word which comes from Latin *bibere*, meaning "to drink".

"I'll have an Americano," the entomologist says. "It was originally dyed with crushed beetles!"

The bartender gets them their drinks. "And for you, sir?" he asks the third man.

"I'm just wondering how I got here," the etiologist replies.

Two scientists walk into a bar.

"I'll have H2O," says the first.

"I'll have H2O, too," says the second.

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

Top 20 worst jokes ever !!!!

The 20 Worst Jokes Ever!

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
You, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does
this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not
Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says
to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were
nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn’t find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know
you can't I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other
and says Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire
in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand
chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself
to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate
very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from
bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good. . .) A
super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different
puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make
them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!

Two chemists walk into a bar.

Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first one says, "I'll have some H2O."

The second says, "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work."

The first chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom.
His assassination plot had failed.

A small collection of my favorite science jokes

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a drink?”

“For you, sir, no charge!”



What's 2 times 2?

Physicist: “After some measurements I am fairly sure it is somewhere between 3.81 and 4.13!”

Mathematician: “After some consideration I can now prove that the solution exists!”

Engineer: “4, obviously, but lets make it 5, just to be on the safe side.”



Three logicians walk into a bar. “You all want a beer?” the bartender asks.

“I don’t know,” says the first logician.

“I don’t know either,” says the second logician.

Says the third logician, “If that’s the case, then we all want a beer.”



Atom 1: “I think I lost one of my electrons somewhere.”

Atom 2: “Are you sure?”

Atom 1: ”Yes, I’m positive!”



A neutrino walks through a bar.



A photon checks into a hotel. “Do you need help with your luggage?” the clerk asks.

“No thanks, I’m travelling light.”



A mathematician walks into a bar. “I’ll have a pint, and then half a pint and then a quarter of a pint and then an eighth of a pint-”

The bartender, who is also a mathematician, interrupts him, “Two pints, coming right up!”



A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician travel together by train. Right after entering Scotland they see a black sheep standing on top of a hill.

“Look at that,” says the biologist. “Apparently the sheep in Scotland are black.”

“Nonsense!” says the physicist. “All we can say for sure is that there is one sheep in Scotland that’s black.”

“I am afraid you are both wrong,” the mathematician explains. “The only thing that is certain is that there is a sheep in Scotland, which is black on at least one side.”



There are two types of people in the world.

Those who can extrapolate from from incomplete data.



What is the value of the contour integral around Western Europe?

Zero, all the Poles are in Eastern Europe.



Why were the Romans so bad at algebra?

They always ended up with X equals 10.



“I never get any good data. Sometimes I think the particle accelerator hates me.”

“Never anthropomorphize machines. They hate that.”

The CEOs of Budweiser, Coors, Killian's, and Guinness walk into a bar....

...and the bartender takes orders. The CEO of Budweiser says "I'll take a Bud Light. It's crisp, refreshing, and doesn't hurt the budget!"

The bartender moves down the line. The CEO of Coors says "I'll take a Coors light. It's colder, even more refreshing, and won't give you a beer gut!"

The bartender moves down the line. The CEO of Killian's says "These guys are amateurs, give me a Killian's Irish Red. It's smooth, flavorful, and distinct!"

The bartender moves down the line. The CEO of Guinness says "I'll have a water."

The others give a confused look. The bartender says "but... why aren't you ordering a beer?"

He responds, "well, nobody else did."

My "classic" joke.

A Catholic Priest, a Rabbi, and an Atheist walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "Oh Goddammit, no! We don't like jokes in here and if you guys are a part of one, you're gonna have to leave right now!"
So the catholic priest, rabbi, and atheist leave the bar and a chicken walks in.
The bartender says, "OH COME ON! We don't serve CHICKENS in here!"
The chicken says, "Do you know somewhere that does?"
The bartender says, "Yeah.."
The chicken asks, "Well, where is it?"
The bartender says, "It's across the road."

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.

The nurse sits down at the bar and says, "I'll have a Bloody Mary!"

The doctor sits next to her and says, "Give me a rum and coke!"
The anti-vaxver says, "No shots for me."
She then collapses and dies from polio.

A redhead, brunette and a blonde walk into a bar.

They were having a chat when the bartender asked them about thier opinions on elements.

The redhead says,"I love gold because I can buy a lot of cars with it."

The brunette says,"I would prefer platinum because it is more valuable than gold and can buy you more cars."

The blonde says,"I have 2 bags of silicon and you should see the cars outside my house.''

[It is my first time writing a joke. All my previous jokes were Ctrl+C Ctrl+V. So don't go mad at me.]

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