Ford Jokes

Contents

Funniest Ford Jokes

Funny Ford Jokes

I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta... Now it's a Ford Focus.

What do you get when you put adderall into the gas tank of a Ford Fiesta? A Ford Focus.

Why did Harrison Ford Crash his plane? because he was flying solo and went look no hans...

I put adderall into my Ford Fiesta Now it’s a Ford Focus

What happens when you leave your ADHD medication in your Ford Fiesta? It turns into a Ford Focus.

I forgot my adderall in my Ford Fiesta Now it's a Ford Focus

What's your favorite pick up line? Mine is the Ford F Series.

My boyfriend looked so excited when I told him I was going to get him an escort for his birthday! I couldn't understand why he looked so disappointed when I handed him the keys to his new Ford

Why do Ford vehicles have heated rear bumpers? To keep your hands warm when you're pushing it

I left my adderall in my Ford Fiesta Now it’s my Ford Focus

My friend is getting a new car - a "tangerine" ford focus. Dad drops this one... Tangerine focus... Isn't that the same as orange concentrate?

So I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta last night... Now it's a Ford Focus.

I left my Adderral in my Ford Fiesta I came back to a Ford Focus

What do you call Harrison Ford making a Venn diagram? Comparrison Ford!

I gave some Adderall to my Ford Fiesta... it's now a Ford Focus.

What do you call a Ford Fiesta that won't start? A Ford Siesta

How is driving a Ford truck similar to visiting Thailand? Either way, you're likely to blow a tranny

My first escort... was a Ford

Ford is creating a new company to manufacture electric vehicles using Tesla software and batteries. They're naming it Edison.

My son accidentally left his Adderall in his Ford Festiva. Now, it's a Ford Focus.

A friend of mine tries to impress girls by drawing realistic pictures of the Ford F-150. He’s a pickup artist.

A friend of mine tries to impress girls by drawing realistic pictures of the Ford F-150. He is a pickup artist.

Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA meeting I've never seen Han So low

What would Chrysler's version of the Ford Focus be called? Chrysler Concentrate

What's the difference between a Ford and a tampon? The tampon comes with a tow rope.

Ford should manufacturer a sedan called the Ore It would be the four-door Ford Ore

My favorite pickup line... the Ford F Series

A man is talking to his friend... "Today I got a brand new ford for my wife."

"Eyyy, nice trade."

I left my adderall in my Ford Fiesta when I went to class the other day... I came back to a Ford Focus

Why are so many hotwheels based after Ford models? So kids get used to pushing them at a young age.

My friend tries to impress girls by drawing realistic pictures of the Ford F-150. He is a pick up artist.

You'd think Henry Ford was African The way he Madagascar

^^^^I'll ^^^^^let ^^^^^^myself ^^^^^^^out

Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I've never seen Han so low.

I tried to start up a business as a Ford dealership I lost my focus

Harrison Ford has broken his ankle. There will now be a new Star Wars cast.

If you leave a Sombrero and Maracas in your Ford Focus Will it become a Ford Fiesta?

Left some Ritalin in my Ford Fiesta. Now it’s a Ford Focus.

My friend and I decided to race our Ford Pintos. Mine broke down three miles down the road. I had to walk the rest of the way.


I won.

What do you call Harrison Ford making a Venn diagram? Comparison Ford.

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New Ford Jokes

Ford have announced their new car. But the Ford Siesta has caused some safety concerns.

There was a mirror that when spoken to, will kill you if you lied. Hitler :- I think I will spare the Jews.

*Hitler dies*

Abraham Lincoln :- I think this address at Ford Theatre will end well.

*Lincoln dies*

Donald Trump :- I think...

*Trump Dies*

Chevy guys be like "I just blew a piston". Ford guys be like "I just blew a tranny". Dodge guys be like... "What was his name?"

A man is texting and driving in his ford By doing so he crashed and the car is totalled.

You could say he lost his focus.

I wanted to buy the first car But I couldn't a Ford it

Ford is finally coming out with a new model Ford Bronco. It only comes in white, with a top highway speed of 20mph, but its missing a glovebox.

What is a Ford F125? An F150 that the bank still owns.

95% of all Ford trucks made in the past 20 years are still on the road. The rest have been towed home.

Why didn’t I buy a mustang? I couldn’t a Ford it

What’s a bank robbers favorite get away car? A Ford Escape

Its crazy how much people love Ford Mustangs I hear they're a real hit with the crowd

My friend tries to impress women by drawing realistic pictures of the Ford F-150. He is a pickup artist.

Ford bought Nissan and discontinued all truck production. They wanted to Explorer the final Frontier.

Ford and Renault were working on a joint car project...... ...where they combined the Renault Clio with the Ford Taurus.

They gave up when male test drivers couldn't find the car.

My uncle took me for a ride in his Ford Fiesta Now it's a Ford Molesta

How many tottenham hotspur fans can you get in a ford focus? all four of them

In 2020 Ford is re-releasing the Bronco There will be a special edition OJ trim level:

Standard White paint with dark tinted windows, governed to 30 mph, extended range gas tank, and has an undersized glove box.

Without a doubt, the Ford F-150 My favorite pickup line.

I wish Ford installed heated bumpers. Would keep my hands warm while I’m pushing it to the side of the freeway.

Harrison Ford just got dumped by his girlfriend... Now he’s Hands Solo.

How do you get a Ford to stop? Shoot the guy pushing it

Doug Ford and Walmart are quite similar They both love their rollbacks.

Harrison Ford has this ability called... Affordability. (i see myself out bye)

Richard Nixon and Gerald Ford pass each other in the hallway (Oldie but a goodie) Richard Nixon and Gerald Ford pass each other in the hallway. Nixon bumps into Ford's shoulder. Embarrassed, Nixon turns to Ford and says "Pardon me!"

And so he did.

I'm a 25 year old virgin and I'm hoping that this is the year I get laid. My dad said he'd buy me an escort... It's nice of him, but to be honest I don't see how a crappy old Ford is gonna help.

Ford announced today that they are discontinuing all but two of their cars... They've really lost their Focus.

What did they change the name of the Ford Bronco to when O.J. Simpson got acquitted? The Ford Escape!

I left my Adderall in my car last night... When I came out this morning, it became a Ford Focus.

What do you call a ford towing another ford? A ford fiesta!

Did you hear? Smuckers and Ford are getting together?They're gonna make traffic jam

Why couldn’t 1 Ford Focus give the other Ford Focus a message? Broken transmission.

It's insane that car companies, especially Ford, pay hundreds of millions to try to stay ahead of the game I guess they can't a Ford to lose out

What is the difference between a Ford Fiesta and a Ford Focus? Ritalin

What kind of car is bad for a kid with ADD? A Ford Focus

What do you call a Ford with a twin exhaust? A wheelbarrow

Why won't prostitutes sleep with Harrison Ford? Because they don't want to be known as a Ford escort.

Someone asked Harrison Ford what his favorite star wars location was He said that Cloud City always sent chills down his spine.

What happens when you give Ritalin to a Ford Fiesta? It turns into a Ford Focus.

Did you hear Renault and Ford are going release a hyrbrid vehicle this year mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' together

So I heard you just saw a play at Ford Theater, how was it? It was Mind-Blowing

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Long Ford Jokes

Cheating husband dies and makes it to the pearly gates.

St Peter looks at him and says "You were unfaithful to your wife 28 times. Don't worry, you'll be accepted in -- only you won't get a brand new car like those who were more loyal in their marriage"

Confused the man asks "I get a car though?"

St Peter replies "Of course. Everyone needs a car in heaven to get around. Only you'll be receiving a beat up old Ford Pinto "

Meanwhile the man sees a couple of his old friends receiving their cars.

The first guy had one minor affair during a rough patch in his marriage and was given a nice Toyota Camry. The second guy is granted a brand new Lamborghini for never even thinking about another woman other than his wife.

All of a sudden, inside heaven, the man with the Ford Pinto starts crying. Concerned, his two friends check on him to ask him why he's so sad.

He points to his wife who is riding around on a pair of roller skates.

3 men are in line to get into heaven

St. Peter is waiting at the gates of heaven and calls the first man up.

Peter says, "You never cheated on your wife! I'm going to let you drive around heaven in a Ferrari!"

So he gets in the car and drives off through the gates.

Peter then called 2nd man up. Peter says, "Oh no, looks like you cheated on your wife TWICE! You are going to drive around heaven in an Accord!"

He gets into his car and drives through the gates.

Peter calls the third man up and says, "You cheated on your wife FIVE TIMES. You are going to be driving around in a ford pinto!"

But, when the third man drives through the gates, he sees the person in the Ferrari on the side of the rode and he's crying.

The man asks, "Why are you crying??? You got the nicest car out of all of us!!"

He replies, "I just saw my wife ride by on a skateboard."

An old Indian walks into a bank and asks for a $500 loan.

Clerk: What are you going to do with the money?

Indian: I'm going to go into the city and sell my handmade jewelry.

Clerk: Do you have a collateral?

Indian: What's a collateral?

Clerk: A collateral is something of value that can cover the amount of the loan. For example, do you have a car?

Indian: Yes, I have a 1949 Ford truck

Clerk: That won't do. Do you have livestock?

Indian: Yes, I have a horse

Clerk: How old is it?

Indian: I don't know, it doesn't have teeth.

After some negotiations, the Indian and the clerk settle on a collateral. The clerk does all the paperwork and gives the Indian $500.

A few weeks later, the Indian returns to the bank, walks up to the same clerk, takes out a huge wad of bills and returns the loan.

Clerk: I see your jewelry sold well. What are you going to do with the rest of the money?

Indian: I will keep it in my wigwam.

Clerk: No need to do that. You can make a deposit in our bank.

Indian: What's a deposit?

Clerk: A deposit is when you give money to the bank, the bank cares for it, and when it's time, you can come back to the bank and take your money.

Indian: And what does the bank have as a collateral?

Kevin dies and goes to heaven...

He gets in line and sees Saint Peter asking everyone a question before they head past the pearly gates. As he's third in line, he overhears Peter ask the guy in front, "Sir, were you faithful in your married life?". The man looks down and replies, "Well, I did have two affairs". Peter nods and hands him car keys. "That's ok, son. Here's the keys to your Ford Focus". Next, Peter asks the guy second in line, "Sir, were you faithful in your married life?". The man sighs and exclaims, "Well...no. I cheated on my wife. But I sincerely regret it!". Peter says, "I understand" and hands him a different set of keys. "Here's the keys to your BMW". The man grabs the keys and walks past the gates. Finally Kevin is up and Peter asks him the same question. "I sure was! 50 years of marriage and I was faithful for every one of them!", said Kevin excitedly. Peter smiles approvingly and says "Wonderful! Here's the keys to your Ferrari". Kevin cheers as he takes the keys and goes into heaven. One day, all three men are sitting at an intersection and the men in the Focus and BMW look over at Kevin crying profusely in his car. The guy in the Focus asks, "Why are you crying? You have the best ride in here". Kevin looks over and says, "I just passed my wife. She had a skateboard".

A husband went to the sheriffs department to report his wife missing.

A husband went to the sheriffs department to report his wife missing.

Husband: My wife is missing she went shopping yesterday and hasn't come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I'm not sure a little over five foot tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don't know, not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Ummm, never really noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a few times a year, dark brown maybe.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts, don't remember.

Sergeant: What was she driving?

Husband: My truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck is it?

Husband: Brand new 2017 Ford F150 King Ranch 4 x 4 with eco-boost 5.0L V6 engine special order manual transmission. Custom white cover for the bed of the truck. Custom leather seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailer package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21- channel cb radio, six cup holders, four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelin's. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband starts sobbing uncontrollably.

Sergeant: Don't worry buddy we'll find your truck!

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

A Jewish man calls the newspaper to publish an obituary notice for her wife

Shlomo: Hello, This is Shlomo, I want to publish an obituary notice for my wife Rachel.

Agent: Hello Shlomo, how shall we publish it, do you have any words in mind?

Shlomo: "Rachel is dead". That's enough.

Agent: Sir you can write more; its the same price.

Shlomo: Hmm okay, "My wife Rachel is dead."

Agent: Sir, it is the same price up to 9 words, are you sure this is enough?

..after a moment of pause

Shlomo: "My wife Rachel is dead, Ford Fiesta for Sale."

Three men turn up at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.

Saint Peter asks the three men: ' Did you commit any adultery during your lifetime?'

'NEVER! I have lived a pure and virtuous life!', The first man shouts.
'All right, you may enter heaven en drive a golden Ferrari for eternity!', Saint Peter says.

The second man says: ' Well you know... I've had a fling with my secretary. But, I am remorseful'.
'For this sin, you shall drive a golden Ford for all eternity', Saint Peter says.

The third man states: ' I have not lived faithful. I've cheated on my wife at every chance I've had. Yet, I am remorseful.'
'For this debauchery, you must ride this golden bicycle for all eternity!', Saint Peter says.

After a few months up in Heaven, the three men gather to talk. The third man looks pale and shocked.
'What's up with you? Don't you like your golden bicycle?', the two others ask.

'It's not that...', the third man whimpers, ' I just saw the Pope pass me by on golden roller skates.'

*NOTE: I've translated this from my own language, so I don't know if it comes across quite right.*

Till death

So imagine a world where a person dies, goes to heaven, and gets a vehicle based on how faithful they were to their spouse.

Three men all die at the same time and are sentenced to their vehicle along side one another.

*The first man*: He was faithful to his spouse every day of his life and never even thought of another woman, so he was granted a brand new Corvette to drive for all of eternity.

*The second man*: He was a very good man. He Had one moment of weakness and cheated on his spouse but was forgiven and continued to live a life of faithfulness afterwards. For this, he was granted a used Ford pick-up truck to drive for all of eternity.

*The third man*: This man was intolerable. He had cheated on his spouse every chance he had gotten. For this, he was sentenced to drive an old beat up junker for the rest of eternity.

A few days later, the man in the junker glances down the highway and sees the man in the Corvette crying! The man pulls pulls up and proceeds to ask,

"Why are you crying? You have a wonderful car to enjoy for the rest of eternity! What could possibly be so troubling?"

The man in the Corvette turns and answers in a sobbing reply,

"I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard..."

Funny Jewish Joke - Clean!

The four Katz brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented the first automobile air-conditioner. On August 15, 1951, the temperature in Detroit was 92 degrees.The four brothers walked into Henry Ford’s office and convinced him to come out to the parking lot to their car. They got him to get into the car, which was about 120 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off within a few minutes. Henry got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $2 million for the patent. The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $1 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, ‘The Katz Air-Conditioner,’ on the dashboard of each Ford car in which it was installed. Now Henry Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the katz’s name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $3 million and that just their first names would be shown. And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Low, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls.

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report
that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees inside, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Jewish, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

So to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --


Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

Men's "Help Line" Question

Hello, you have reached the "Men's Help Line." My name is Don. How can I help you?

Caller: "Hey, buddy, I need your advice on a very serious problem.

For some time, now, I've suspected that my wife's been cheating on me.

I've been seeing the usual signs ~ like the phone rings, and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she sure goes out with "the girls" a lot. Well, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was **still** not home. So, I went and hid in the garage behind my bass boat to wait for her.

When she finally came dragging home, she jumped out of some stranger's Ford F-250 Super Duty, buttoned up her blouse, pulled her panties out of her purse and wiggled into them.

It was at that moment, while crouching behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in my outboard motor mounting bracket.

Now, Don, here's my question: Is this something that I can weld back together, or do I need to replace the **whole** bracket?"

An old Indian walks into a bank and asks for a $5000 loan.

Clerk: What are you going to do with the money?

Indian: I'm going to go into the city and sell my handmade jewelry.

Clerk: Do you have collateral?

Indian: What's collateral?

Clerk: Collateral is something of value that can cover the amount of the loan. For example, do you have a car?

Indian: Yes, I have a 1949 Ford truck

Clerk: That won't do. Do you have livestock?

Indian: Yes, I have a horse

Clerk: How old is it?

Indian: I don't know, it doesn't have teeth.

After some negotiations, the Indian and the clerk settle on collateral. The clerk does all the paperwork and gives the Indian $5000.

A few weeks later, the Indian returns to the bank, walks up to the same clerk, takes out a huge wad of bills and returns the loan.

Clerk: I see your jewelry sold well. What are you going to do with the rest of the money?

Indian: I will keep it in my teepee.

Clerk: No need to do that. You can make a deposit in our bank.

Indian: What's a deposit?

Clerk: A deposit is when you give money to the bank, the bank cares for it, and when it's time, you can come back to the bank and take your money.

Indian (after thinking for a moment): And what does the bank have as collateral?

Appalachian couple get married

Jethro and Ellie Mae get married, and after the wedding party they happily drive off in his 68 Ford truck for their honeymoon. But about an hour later, Jethro storms back into his parents house, angrily slamming the door.
The father asks what's going on, and Jethro says, "The weddins off!" The father says, "Well, now sit down there young fella. I don't understand it. Uns had a nice big weddin, all the clans showed up, you youngins seem perfect for each other, what could go wrong?" Jethro says, "I know pa, but she's a virgin!" And the father says,"Well then you dun the right thing: if she's not good enuf fer her own family, she ain't god enuf fer ours."

Misquoted Intentions

Two friends, a black guy and a white guy, share an apartment. The white guy's watching TV when the black guy, obviously agitated, flops down on the couch.

Black Guy: Man, I wish I could get a girlfriend.

White Guy: Well, you know what Henry Ford said...

Black Guy: What!? That is so racist!

White Guy looks over confused: What? How is "Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right." racist?

Black Guy: Oh, damn, I thought you meant another quote.

White Guy: ...oh, that one.

Black Guy laughs: "You can have it in any color so long as it's black"!

The four Goldberg brothers

Here’s a little factoid for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.

The four Goldberg brothers– Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell– invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.

On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford’s office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, ‘The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,’ on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti– Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg’s name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show, "Hi, Lo, Norm, and Max" on the controls.

Henry ford meets god

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention ... the Assembly line for the automobile ... changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want."
Ford thinks about it, and says, "I want to hang out with God Himself." So the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God.

Ford asks God, "When you invented Woman, what were you thinking?"

God asks, "What do you mean?"

"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting and refinishing.
5. Every 28 days it leaks fluid and is rendered out of service.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.

"Hummmm," replies God, "hold on a minute."

God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time, the computer prints out a report and God reads it. God then turns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."

A motorist stopped at a country ford and asked an Irishman sitting nearby how deep the water was. "A couple of inches." replied the Irishman. So the motorist drove into the ford and his car promptly disappeared beneath the surface in a cauldron of bubbles.

"That's odd" thought the Irishman. "The water only goes halfway up on them ducks."

Heaven is a big place

Three guys arrive at the pearly gates together having all perished in different circumstances. Seeing the lineup they all wonder what separates them from access into the gates of heaven. As time goes by the line disappears and the three men find themselves next up. Peter is standing with a hand on the VIP rope seemingly ready to grant entry into the vast bounty that is heaven.

The first man, standing in front of Peter looks him in the eye and says “How do I get into this party?”

Peter answers him dead pan “One question. I know you were married, just like the next two candidates behind you. So why don’t you tell me, did you ever cheat on your wife?”

The man shifts on his heels and rocks back and fifth for a few seconds then realizes that no answer he gives will be accepted unless he tells the truth, and that this is his only opportunity to tell his story.

“I was on the road most of my life. For 40 years I traveled the country selling vacuums and while the life sucked I tried very hard to stay virtuous. In all my time there was only one time where I was tempted and I must admit temptation got the better of me and forever since then have I felt the sting of remorse because I lay with another woman and betrayed the trust and promise I made to my wife when we married.”

Peter sighed, lifted the rope and allowed the man access into heaven. “Without this moment of indiscretion you have lived a pure, simple life and for that I am going to give you a Ford Pinto. It has 1,000,000 miles on the clock, has a broken tail light, but otherwise runs ok.”

The unfortunate cheater took his car into the majestic realms of the afterlife knowing this was his burden to hold for now until eternity.

Meanwhile candidate number two is standing next to Peter with a glint in his eye and asks if he is able to be given the same ultimatum.

Peter agrees and asks “How about you Marvin? Did you ever cheat on your wife?”

“No”, exclaims Marvin. “I was on the road a lot like the last guy. I listened in your conversation and while I was away a lot traveling I was always able to trust myself and my wife.”

“Hmm. Actually Marvin, as I have seen it, the truth is you were tempted on one trip away from home. You were offered a night of passion with a blond woman who approached you in the hotel bar and you walked with her to your room before you chickened out and skulked into your room alone, leaving her stranded in the hallway. So as I see it you were ready to cheat and therefore by default you did. My judgement is you have a 2 year old hybrid electric Prius with 30,000km on the clock. “

Marvin idles in his used vehicle feeling the gravity of his choices before switching gears and pulling away gently and driving into the sunset, with hidden but rapidly surfacing regret in his reflection staring back from the rear view mirror.

Bryon is the last of the three to find Peter asking the same simple ruse, “Did you cheat on your wife?”

Bryon looks Peter full into his eyes, tips his head back and laughs. Understanding that his transition into heaven can only be one filled with joy and celebration he joyfully motions Peter to listen closely, fixating on reminding him of the one universal life altering question previously posed to his predecessors.

“You asked both those guys if they had cheated on their wives. I have never done done this, not pursued any woman out of marriage, not so much as looked in another woman’s direction out of curiosity or lust. How do you answer that Peter?”

The gate keeper gazes keenly upon him and repeats his primary question.

“Did you ever cheat on your wife?”, he ventured.

“Never!!! I never considered it for a moment, because I always knew the bond with my wife was inseparable and our trust was the bond pulling us together every day to eternity. Mine was a love both pure and glorious. Ours was a love eternal.”

Peter pulls his hand upwards and reveals the key to a new Bugatti Veyron. The clock has -20 miles on it and the seats are still covered in the plastic wrap with the new car smell permanently impregnated into the fabric of the vehicle. Our hero starts the motor, and it purrs into life with a triumphant growl. He slips into gear and disappears into the ether.

Two weeks later, and by the coincidence gifted those in a celestial dwelling, all three men arrive at a four way crossing in their allocated vehicles. Putting their surprise aside both of these men with their Prius and Pinto find their most righteous brother sitting on the hood of his Bugatti, tears flowing freely from his face.

“I was fine for days, so happy knowing that I was one of the purest men in this place. That all changed yesterday when I saw my wife on a skateboard “.

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