Some jokes I've picked up for my Jester character:
* A human, a half orc, and an elf walk into a bar. The dwarf walks under it.
* Two gnolls are sitting in the woods eating lunch. One says "Man, i hate my wife" and the other one says "Then just eat the salad".
* What do you call a ranger without an animal companion? A virgin.
* What do you call 1 gnome at the bottom of the ocean? a problem
What do you call 10 gnomes at the bottom of the ocean? a problem
What do you call 1000 gnomes at the bottom of the ocean? a problem
What do you call EVERY SINGLE GNOME IN THE UNIVERSE at the bottom of the ocean? problem solved.
* What did the courier say when asked what his favorite armor type is? "I'm a mail man"
* How many Paladins does it take to light a candle? Two, one to light the wick, and another to "uphold the light".
* Why are monks the best lovers? Flurry of Blows.
An Elf, a Dwarf, and a Hobbit walk into a bar...
All three proceed to eat, drink and have a good time, slamming down pint after pint of ale until finally the pub was closing. The bartender asks them how he should split the tab as it was a pretty hefty sum.
"I got this," replies the Elf as he looks at the bill. "My two friends here are always a little short anyway."
A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.
Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters
Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters
Husband: Property paperwork, 4 letters
Husband: Talking trees from Lord of the Rings
Husband: Take a life, 4 letters
Husband: Religious songs, 5 letters
Husband: Santa's little helper, 3 letters
Once there was a small town
Within this town there was a man named Epydidumus Roderigo the Third, but for simplicity, everyone called him Ep. If there was one thing Ep was known for it was his antique fork, that was passed down through his family for generations and was so old and weathered that only one tine remained on the fork. The local preacher in the town, who had been nicknamed Hymn, had a chicken named Elf.
One morning, Elf was found killed with Ep’s antique fork stabbed into it’s chest. In a rage, Hymn called the local detective to arrest Ep. The detective showed up on scene, analyzed the evidence and declared “Ep has been framed.”
“How can you tell??” Sputtered Hymn. The detective was appalled.
“You don’t know? At this point I thought it was common knowledge that Ep’s tine didn’t kill Hymn’s Elf.”
An elf courier walked through a dense, mystical forest
An elf courier walked through a dense, mystical forest
Carrying a sealed message from his king with only a map to show where to deliver it to
As he arrived at his destination, he could see movement in the huge, thousand-year old enchanted oak trees and decided to take a closer look
Upon inspection, he discovered that they were treants! He realised that he had been sent to deliver a message to the kingdom of sentient trees,
He stopped to ask them directions towards where he should hand in the letter, as he moved closer he realised they were working on a particularly strange looking tree with millions of tiny branches winding like coils.
“Ahem,” he began, “I’m sorry to bother you but I have been sent to deliver a message to your king, where can I find him?”
The two treants slowly turned around and looked upon him with suspicious eyes, however they soon relaxed as they realised the elf was alone and not armed.
“We have no king, only the Great Elder, you can carry onwards west until you find the tall ebony arches which signifies the Royal Halls.” One treant said, speaking softly and well-mannered, before him and his friend turned back to work on the mysterious tree.
Curious, the elf wished to learn more about what the treants were doing;
“What is it that you’re working on?” he asked,
Yet again, the treants slowly turned around before stating;
“This is the communication tree, it has magic infused within which can allow us to speak with our kind through it’s many branches, it is our job to send messages and keep it well-maintained.”
Satisfied, the elf thanked them for the information and carried on towards the Royal Halls.
Upon arrival, he was ushered into the Great Elder’s chambers, where he was met with darkness and a great silence.
Suddenly, a loud, booming voice echoed through the room;
“Who enters the Great Chamber?”
The elf was rather spooked by the noise and slinked back before whimpering out the words “I am just a messenger from the elven kingdom,”
Out of the corner of the room, a giant tree with grey bark and ritualistic carvings slowly stepped into the dim light.
“I welcome you,” the treat said, a little more softly this time, “I apologise for any discomfort I may have caused you, for sometimes even I do not know the strength of my own voice.”
The elf delivered the letter to the Elder and turned to leave, but was stopped by the Great Elder;
“Wait, before you go, I wish to apologise for scaring you, it was not my intention. Please, allow me,”
The treant gave the confused elf food and water before speaking again;
“I wish to talk to you, I am over a thousand years old and I do not get much company aside from other treants who come here only to worship me. Please, I am somewhat lonely, will you stay and chat with me?”
The elf didn’t want to refuse an offer from the Great Elder - that would be insulting to the whole treant kingdom! So, he accepted, and the two sat for hours chatting about their lives, the elven and treant homes, the differences between their races and how the letter the elf had just delivered was a peace offering between the two kingdoms.
However, it was clear that the Elder had very poor social skills, as he sounded and looked uncomfortable and sometimes had nothing to say.
To lighten the mood, the elf decided to tell a joke.
He said, “Why did the boar cross the footpath?”
After a few seconds of intense contemplation, the Elder replied “In order for the boar to cross the footpath, it would have had to have been close to the road, however they are skittish creatures and often do not wander into intelligent civilisation, so the probability of this occurrence would be so incredibly low that I have not considered it ever happening, and unfortunately I do not have an answer to this question.”
The elf, dumbfounded, decided to carry on with the joke and say,
“To get to the other side!”
The Great Elder thought for an even longer duration, before finally replying,
“Yes, I suppose that is a plausible reason for movement.”
The elf then realised that the treant had never heard a joke in it’s life! He decided to then teach the Elder how to tell jokes. He explained, in detail, the intricacies of humour to the Elder, who quietly listened with intent.
Finally, the elf said, “I have taught you all I know, now I wish to see if I have been successful in my mentoring, please tell me a joke,”
The Elder steeled himself and thought precariously for 4 long minutes, the elf getting impatient, before finally beginning to speak.
“Why did the Griffin fly south instead of east in the springtime?”
The elf replied “I don’t know, why *did* the Griffin fly south instead of east in the springtime?”
The great treant then replied, in the most monotonous voice; “Because he thought that it was summertime instead of springtime!”
The Great Elder burst out laughing with the deepest and heartiest laugh imaginable.
“Do you understand? Because Griffins normally fly east in the springtime and south in the summertime, but this particular Griffin had mistaken springtime for summertime and flown south instead of east!”
The elf, not wanting to cause any insult, decided to laugh along with the Great One, however he did not feel like the Elder truly understood the concept of a joke.
Upon leaving the kingdom to return to his home, the elf found the first two treants he had seen on his journey, and wanted to thank them before making his return.
As he approached, he saw that they were still working on the magical tree used for the treant’s communications. This time it was twitching and lighting up, it seems the tree was working and the treants were sending messages.
“Hello, I thank you again for your directions, I have successfully delivered my letter and will be heading off shortly.”
The treants slowly turned around before waving him off before one treant said
“Watch out for the two-dimensional spiderlings, I heard that they are a real *plane* in the backside!”
The elf laughed out loud, uncontrollably from the unexpected joke.
“You like that?” The other treant said, “I have one of my own, why did the necromancer’s skeletons flee the battle?”
The elf smiled and waited for the punchline;
“Because they had no guts!”
Again the elf burst out laughing, even harder than the last time.
“Wow, you guys are great at telling jokes, much better than the Great Elder.” said the elf,
The treants replied; “Why of course, everybody knows the best jokes are always in the comm-ents!”
A Dwarf, a Human, and an Elf are walking down a trail.
A Dwarf, a Human, and an Elf are walking down a trail beside a stream when they stop to piss. Afterwards the human takes out some soap and cleans his hands "cleanliness is next to godliness," he says to the others. The elf takes some leaves off a nearby tree and wipes his hands with them "we elves have learned to use what nature provides for us". Meanwhile the dwarf pulls up his pants and begins down the trail and calls back "And our ancestors taught us dwarves not to piss on our hands".
I like to imagine my fingers as the races of Middle Earth...
The thumb is the dwarf because it's stout
The pinkie is the hobbit because it's diminutive
The index is the elf because it's the most dexterous
The ring is the human because they were given the most rings
And the middle is the orc... because it's the rudest
Bad Christmas cracker jokes.
Where do you find reindeer?
It depends on where you leave them!
What do reindeer have that no other animals have?
Snow business like show business!
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
What do you call a man who claps at Christmas?
Why was Santa little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem!
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
An Elf Ranger was touring the remote mountain village in which he lived, when suddenly a man ran out of the house and came up to him.
"Ranger!" the man demanded. "My wife recently gave birth to an Elf! And you are the only Elf anywhere around here, everyone else is human! Explain yourself!"
"Now, don't judge too harshly," The Ranger answered and pointed towards the boars in the man's front yard. "You see, boars are normally brown but that one was born white! It's just one of nature's mysteries that you have to accept."
"Fine, I understand, Ranger," the man leaned in and whispered conspiratorially. "I'll stop talking about the Elf child, and you stop talking about the white boar, alright?"
A while ago there was a rebellion in Lapland
A group of three elves were very unhappy with Santa’s treatment of them, and organised an uprising.
Having dealt with the uprising, Santa expelled the three elves from Lapland. He gave each of them a colour to make sure he knew where they were.
The first elf was given the colour yellow, and was known as ‘mean elf’. He was sent to Croatia, where he started his own textiles business.
The second elf, Arrogant Elf the Blue, was sent to the US, and she was also successful.
The third elf was always very rude, and was given the colour red. He was sent to the UK, where he really struggled to make anything of his new life. He only really enjoyed camping, and struggled with British weather.
One day Santa and Mrs Claus went to visit the third elf. They found him sitting outside on a horrible, stormy day. Mrs Claus told Santa she was very worried about him being out in such horrible weather.
Santa laughed and replied:
“Rude Elf the Red knows rain, dear.”
So an elf walks into an animal shelter...
...and, being from the North Pole, he wants a hound dog to run a transport system. This particular shelter stocks only mutts.
On the first day, the elf says, "What type of dog is that one there?" he asks, pointing to a cage. "That's a cross between a Labrador and a Poodle," responds the clerk. The elf shakes his head, and moves on to the next cage.
"What type is this one?" he asks. "A German Shepherd and Beagle cross," replies the clerk. Again, the elf shakes his head, and walks to the third and final cage.
"What type is this one?" he asks again. "That's a Pointer and Irish Setter cross," says the clerk. The elf nods his head vigorously, and adopts the animal immediately.
Mystified, the clerk's assistant asks, "Why did he chose that one?" the clerk laughs, and replies, "It was a Point-Setter."
A human, an elf and a dwarf go dungeon crawling
They loot the entire place successfully and start the journey back to the tavern through the woods. On their way back they're ambushed by a tribe of goblins who inform them that they're trespassing. The chief tells them that the punishment for trespassing is twenty lashes but seeing as he's in a good mood he will let each of them pick something that they got out of the dungeon to strap to their back during the punishment. Seeing as how they're hopelessly outnumbered they have no choice but to agree to the terms.
The human is first up and picks a large sack of gold for protection but after a single hit the bag tears open, spilling all the gold and he gets most of it. The elf wretches.
The elf is up next and being a little more clever he picks a big wooden shield. It holds up pretty good, falling apart after ten lashings.
Last up is the dwarf who picks the elf to strap to his back...
They're having a Christmas party at the Whitehouse!
They're gonna have egg nog, turkey, and President Obama is gonna be Santa so all the kids can sit on his lap and ask for presents! Michelle is organizing the whole thing, and she goes up to one of the Whitehouse interns, who happens to be a dwarf.
She says "Hey, we were wondering if you would like to be an elf at the Christmas party!"
The intern replies "No!"
"Oh come on, it'll be fun!"
So the dwarf says "Don't wanna be... OOOOOBAAAAAAMAAAAA'S EEEeeEELF"
The oldman's PTSD
Once upon a time, after World War II, in Great Britain there was a british veteran named Eps. When he returned home, he carried his war memory, including a Sten gun.
So life was hard after the war, and the world was slowly recovering. Like other war veteran, Eps was suffering from PTSD. That would affect his mental life sometimes. And it was bothering his neighbour who was a german refugee named Himmer, or Him for short.
Christmas of that year, Himmer was decorating his tree. This time he bought some elves’ statues. When Eps was walking back from the bar to his porch, he suddenly saw these elves. One particular elf triggerd Eps as its ressembled an old german soldier. His PTSD attacked and Eps ran to his room and took his gun, then sprayed all over Hims’ garden.
Police arrived shortly after. When journalists were interviewing the chief police if someone was killed, he giggled: