Jew Jokes

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Funniest Jew Jokes

Joke I heard from a 99 year old Holocaust survivor A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".

Joke I heard from a 109 year old Holocaust survivor A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".

Funny Jew Jokes

A young black Jew asks his father, "Dad, am I more black or more Jew?"... "Why do you ask?" asks the Dad.

The boy says, "Well, a guy at school has a bike for sale for $150 and I can't decide if I want to haggle him down to $100, or just steal it."

My Gran just asked me "What's the name of that God-damn Jew who keeps hiding stuff around my house!?" It's Alzheimer, grandma. Alzheimer.

An Arab and a Jew stand in front of a Hitler statue. The Jew spits on the statue.
Arab: why did you do that?
Jew: because he killed half my people.

The Arab spits on the statue as well.
Jew: why did you do that?
Arab: because he didn't kill the other half.

My friends half jew I guess hes jew-ish

How heavy is a Jew Chances are he Israelite

Why did the Jew vote for Obama? Because he promised change.

I've never met a full on jew They were all just sort of jew-ish

What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe? A canoe occasionally tips

My daughter saw me eating prosciutto True story: my daughter saw me eating prosciutto and clucked her tongue. "I think eating prosciutto is like, the worst thing a Jew can do."

I am Jewish, so I asked, "Why is that?"

"Well, it's pork and it's expensive."

My friend is 1/8th Jew He's Jew...Ish

A Jew Gesundheit

What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? A Jew is a person who follows Judaism, and pizza is a food...

I bet you expected a Holocaust joke. Jew thought wrong.

What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe? The canoe tips.

Jew problems An old jew comes to a rabbi and says: "Please help me, my son became a christian!"

The rabbi replies: "i can't help you, god has the same problem."

An old holocaust survivor dies and goes up to heaven.... He asks God,

"How do you get a girl's number in Auschwitz? Roll up her sleeve."

God doesn't laugh.

The Jew shrugs and says, "Eh. I guess you had to be there to understand".

Why do jewish women like circumcised penises? What jew doesn't like 10% off?

What does a Jew do at a coffee shop? Hebrew's coffee

Whats the difference between Harry Potter and a Jew Harry made it out of the chamber

What does the Jew do with his tea? Hebrews it.

A Christian, a Jew and a Muslim walk into a bar.... If they weren’t arguing they would have seen it coming.

Whats the difference between a jew and a boyscout? The boyscout comes home from camp

A Jew gets robbed The thief points a gun threateningly at the Jew, "Your money or your life!"

The Jew stops in his tracks and does nothing.

The thief waves the gun. "I said, your money or your life!!!!"

The Jew says, "I'm thinking, I'm thinking!"

Anne Frank showed a cunning and resolve that any Jew would have been proud of. Two years rent free.

Why did the Jew open the coffee shop? Hebrews

What's the difference between a Jew and Harry Potter Warning: Offensive

Harry got out of the chamber.

A German and a jew walk into a bar... The German farts.
The jew starts crying and says "Not again".

Hey, wanna hear a Jew joke? Israeli funny

Why does a jew watch pornography backwards? He wants to see the prostitute give back money.

How is being a Jew like eating a burrito? It's really not a problem until they give you gas.

What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe? What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe?

A Canoe tips.

A jew and a mexican are talking... The jew says, "lemme ask you something, are theres jews in mexico?"

The mexican replies "oh yes my friend, plenty of jews...apple jews, orange jews, and tomato jews."

What do you call a Jew with a pH lower than 7? ....hasidic

I'll let myself out now. I know that was matzo good...

Why was Hitler doomed to fail? because jew wrongs don't make a riech

What's the difference between a Jew and a Muslim? Who cares! More bacon for me.

What is the difference between a boy scout and a Jew ? A boy scout returns back from camp.

What does a Jew with an erection get when he walks into a wall? A broken nose, i will sit in the corner now.

Why do you always need a jew in a coffee shop? Cause hebrews the coffee

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New Jew Jokes

What do you call a Jewish person that eats lemons? An Acidic Jew

What was the name of the Jew knight? Sir-cumcised

What's the martial arts All jews are afraid of? Jew Git sue.

What kind of jew measures below seven on the pH scale? An acidic Jew

Why shouldn’t you mess with a bagel shop owner? They know Jew dough

Why did the Jew start a coffee shop? Because hebrews.

What was Hitler's Least Favorite Martial Arts? Jew Jitsu

A Christian, a Jew and a Muslim walk into a bar... ... but the bar is closed, and they all get fined for breaking lockdown rules.

What do you call a Jewish martial art? Jew Jitsu

A Rabbi, an Irish and a Jew walk into a bar... $5000 Fine.

How would you describe a paraplegic Jew with insomnia? Underschlept

An Israeli only knows one type of martial arts Its Jew Jitsu

Two Jews are standing at neighboring urinals, when one asks the other... "were you by any chance circumcised by Shlomo the mohel?"

The second Jew responds "yes, how do you know?"

"because you're peeing on my foot" responds the first.

A german and a jew met at a bar 'Good evening mister' said the jew.
'Who are you', the german asked.
'I am a big fan of yours',said the man,'also I'm a jew'.
'Gesundheit', answered the german.

What is Israel’s favorite martial art? Jew Jitsu

a jew bought a camp site and then said “now this is mein kampf.”

What was so bad about being a black Jew in 1940's? You had to sit in the back of the oven.

How does a Jew make his tea? Hebrews it. The formatting is weird but you have got to admit it israeli good.

What do you call a rock climbing rabbi? Mountain Jew

What is the difference between a Jew and a Bullet? A bullet leaves the chamber.

What is the national martial art of Israel? Jew jitsu

What do you call someone who’s half Jew Jew-ish

How did the jew make his Coffee? Hebrewed it.

A priest, a black man, a camel. a skeleton, and a Jew walk into a bar... The bartender says "what is this, some kind of joke?"

They say there's strength in number Tell that to the 6 million jew

“Nice watch!” A Jew said to the other Jew. “Thanks!” He replied. “My father sold it to me on his deathbed.”

How is a Jew like a strip club patron? They both make it rain.

I’m not Rabbi-ing it I was shocked to hear my Rabbi was going to start a martial arts studio...

He calls it Jew Jitsu

Hits and her. Hitler's girlfriend : I hate you.

Hitler : I hate Jew too.

Are you a Rabbi practicing in Georgia, U.S.A? 'Cause Jew Macon me crazy

I'm a jew who wasn't bar mitzvah'd Supposedly it's the day you become a man, but that's not true. But it is the day you become the richest thirteen year old in the town.

I’m a German Jew Which explains why I hate myself

A Jew and a donkey walk into a bar Punchline is same as joke #267

A jew walks into a bar.. 15 minutes later he owns it.

I know its racy but c'mon.

If someone can make good matzo don’t mess with them. They’re an expert at Jew dough.

What was the worst part about being a black jew during WWII? You had to sit in the back of the oven.

Offensive joke I thought of what is the difference between a white jew and a black jew?
The black jew sits at the back of the oven






(gunna get slaughtered for this ain't I?)

What do rabbis drink when hiking? Mountain Jew

A paedophile, a billionaire and a jew walk into a bar... ...What will you have Mr Epstein?

What did the jew say after soiling himself? Auschwit my pants

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Long Jew Jokes

In USSR we had this joke

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"

An old Jew on his deathbed

A 90 year-old Jew is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here."

He then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last."

And he says: "Are my brothers and sisters here with me as well?" And they too tell him that they are here.

So the old man lays back quietly, closes his eyes, and says, "If everybody is here ... why is the light on in the kitchen?"

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while . . .

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.

They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."

So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians."

There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "

A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery...

The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing."
The Jew says to the Arab, "That's typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."

Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one.
The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "So what did you do with the pastries?"

The Jew replies, "Look in the Arab's back pocket....."

Back in the U.S.S.R.

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"

An anti-semite is drinking in a bar

An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it.

"Bartender!" he says, nodding at the Jew, "A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!"

Everyone happily receives a glass of premium scotch.

The anti-semite looks over at the Jew with a smug grin.

The Jew smiles back.

The anti-semite loses his satisfied expression.

"Bartender! Give everyone a drink of your finest, plus an appetizer!"

He looks directly at the Jew and adds, "Everyone except the Jew."

The Jewish man looks at the anti-semite, and smiles again.

Furious, the anti-semite says, "Is that Jew just stupid or pretending to be?"

"Oh no, sir, he's the owner."

Donald Trump, a Black man and a Jew are sitting in a hospital...

their wives all gave birth to healthy babies around the same time and are now resting. The three men are sitting in a room nearby when a nurse comes in and tells them there has been a mix-up, a nurse forgot to put identifying bracelets on the babies before taking them for a medical exam and now they don't know which baby is which.

She asks them if they could help identify their babies and the Jew goes first. One minute later, he steps out of the nursery holding a black baby, the Black man gets up and says ''Hey man, I'm pretty sure that one's mine'' to which the Jew replies ''One of those babies is a Trump, and I'm not taking any chances!''

A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”


He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.


The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, “So what did you do with the pastries?” The Jew replies, “Look in the Arab’s back pocket…..”

"Rabbi, why are the Jews so hated?"

At a meeting in a synagogue, a young Jew asked the wise old Rabbi: "Rabbi, why do people hate us so much?" The Rabbi thinks for a while and says "That is an interesting question. We will all talk about it tomorrow over some vodka! Each one of you shall bring a bottle of fine vodka, so we can mix it all up in a big pot and drink, discuss, and then the answer will be clear."


The young Jew went home and thought to himself "if everyone else is going to bring a bottle of vodka, I'll just bring a bottle of water and no one will be the wiser." Next day the young Jew showed up with a vodka bottle filled with water, anxious to see what answer the Rabbi would provide to his question. The Rabbi started to pour all the vodka together in one pot and began stirring it. The young Jew got impatient - "Please, Rabbi! What is the answer to my question? Why do people hate us so much?" The Rabbi then filled a cup, gave it to the young Jew and said "Drink this now!" The young Jew drank the cup and said "But this is just wat**e**r!" And the Rabbi said "and that is why the people hate us"

A jew and a Chinese man are in an argument...

The jew says, "I hate your people for what you did at pearl harbour". The Chinese man says, what do you mean? That was the Japanese!". The jew replies, "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same. So the Chinese man says, "Well I hate your people for sinking the titanic". The jew says, "That's ridiculous; an iceberg sunk the titanic!". The Chinese man responds, "Iceberg, Goldberg, Silverberg, you're all the same".

A Jew, muslim and Christian come up with a plot to rob the kings treasury.

At the moment of entry the guard dog barks and they all get caught.

The guards take all three man straight to the king to meet their fate.

Extremely angry the king decides to punish the men by ordering them each 20 lashes to the back.

They are hauled to the punishment chamber to receive their 20 lashes.

Christian man happens to be first in line and naturally scared he pisses his pants. The punisher sees this and cant help but have a little sympathy.

The punisher tells the Christian man its okay and that even though he is the punisher he in fact really hates his job.

Trying to calm the Christian man the punisher offers him anything he needs in order to make the 20 lashes easier on him.

The Christian man happily asks to have a pillow strapped to his back. His wish is granted.

The punisher lets loose with his whip and on the 15 strike the pillow rips open and flys off. The Christian man receives 5 straight lashes to his back and moves aside.

The Jew is next and is offered the same deal. Being a smart Jew he immediately responds and asks for 2 pillows. His wish also is granted.

18 lashes to his back and both pillows rip open and fly off. He gets 2 strikes on his back and collapses in pain before he is hauled aside.

The muslim man being next starts crying right away. When asked by the punisher why he is crying? The muslim answers saying how he regrets his crime because of the severity of his sin to rob someone. And he feels worthless because he thinks 20 lashes are not enough for his crime and asks for a increase to a 100 lashes so he can learn his lesson.

The punisher being extremely surprised at the muslim mans honesty and sense of remorse says 100 lashes it is you honest muslim. Now what can I do to help make such monumental punishment easier on you as I did to the Christian and Jew before you.

The Muslim man politely asks to have the Jew tied to his back.

A Chinese man and a Jewish man are in an elevator..

..As they ascend floors, the Jewish man turns to the Chinese man and blurts out "You know what.. I don't like Chinese people too much." Taken back, the Chinese man asks him why. "Because you guys were responsible for Pearl Harbor!" Shocked, the Chinese man responds "That was the Japanese.." The Jew snapped back "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same."

Understandably perturbed, the Chinese man retorts: "Well you know what? I don't really like Jews too much.." Expectedly, the Jewish man asks him why. "Because you guys sunk the Titanic!" Flabbergasted, the Jewish man exclaims, "What are you talking about!? That was an iceberg.."

"Iceberg, Greenberg, Steinberg, you're all the same!"

An Arab and a Jew

There was an Arab oil Sheikh that was in a coma and needed a blood transfusion to survive. Being AB+ it was hard for him to get a donor with the same rare blood type. Finally they found an old Jewish farmer that was listed as a blood donor with the same blood type. However he was very reluctant to give his blood to save an Arab guy. Finally after lots of discussions and pestering by doctors he agreed to donate only enough blood to help make sure the Arab guy was stabilized. After the blood transfusion and when the Arab guy is healthier, he sends the Jewish farmer a brand new John Deere tractor and a Cartier watch and $100000 as a token of appreciation. After a year, the Arab is requires another transfusion. The old Jewish farmer is contacted and this time is willing to give more blood. After the transfusion the Arab send the Jewish guy a box of chocolates and a bouquet of flowers. When the Jewish guy gets this he is furious as he is expecting much more since he gave more of his rare blood type. He contacts the Arab sheikh and asks him why he only gave him such a paltry gift? The Arab says, ya Akhie (brother) I have Jewish blood in me now….

An anti-semite goes to a bar

An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it.

"Bartender!" he says, nodding at the Jew, "A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!"

Everyone happily receives a glass of premium scotch.

The anti-semite looks over at the Jew with a smug grin.

The Jew smiles back.

The anti-semite loses his satisfied expression.

"Bartender! Give everyone a drink of your finest, plus an appetizer!"

He looks directly at the Jew and adds, "Everyone except the Jew."

The Jewish man looks at the anti-semite, and smiles again.

Furious, the anti-semite says, "Is that Jew just stupid or pretending to be?"

"Oh no, sir, he's the owner."

A Jew and Arab walk into a bakery...

The Arab immediately steals 3 pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." The Jew says to the Arab, "That's typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."

Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "So what did you do with the pastries?"

The Jew replies, "Look in the Arab's back pocket....."

A jew in his deathbed...

A jew in his deathbed is surrounded by his family. He asks if the wife is there; she was. He asks if his son was there; he was. He asked if his daughter was there, and she was.

As he finds out everyone's there, he has a heart attack. His final words were:
-Why... is no one... in the shop...

Edit: This got me the most upvotes I've ever had, somehow.

A jew is moving from USSR to Israel

A jew is moving from USSR to Israel and in his luggage he has a sculpture of Lenin . At the Russian border he is asked:


-What is this?
The jew answers


-The question is not what is this but who is this . This is Lenin and I want to bring him to my home country to preach how great Russia is and how good of an example Lenin is .
They let him pass


At the Israel border he is stopped once again and asked

-What is this ?
The jew answers


-The question is not what is this but who is this .This is Lenin the tyrant of Russia who is having Russia under his boot and woudn't let a simple man like me create a busyness.
They let him pass


Once he gets home his family asks him
-Who is this ?


The jew answers


-The question is not who is this but what is this .This is a 20 pound pure gold bust that I managed to smuggle out of Russia

God went to a Frenchman

He said 'I've got some commandments, do you want some?'

'What are they like?' The Frenchman replied

'Thou shall not commit adultery' Answered God

'I don't think so...' Slurred the Frenchman, so God went to a German and asked if he wanted any.

'What are they like?' The German questioned

'Thou shall not kill' God replied

'Hmmm, perhaps not' The German sighed, so God went to an Italian, offering him some commandments

'What are they like?' The Italian inquired

'Thou shall not steal' Answered God

'Perhaps not' The Italian replied. So God went to a Jew and offered him some commandments

'How much are they?' The Jew asked

'They're free' God answered

'I'll take ten' Said the Jew

Two Jews die and wait outside the pearly gates.

While waiting they realise that they both survived the same concentration camp.

After some chatting, one says to the other: "remember that time when the guard pushed you onto the electric fence and you almost died?" A second of silence passes and suddenly they both start laughing hysterically.

Upon calming down the other Jew asks his new friend: "remember when that dog chased you for so long that you ended up exhausted and almost died of hunger?" Another second of silence passes and again, they both start laughing like crazy.

God, overhearing the conversation, approaches the old Jewish couple and asks them what's so funny about any of these events.

They both look up and say: "Oh you wouldn't understand, you just had to be there".

A Jew and an Arab walk into a bakery. Once inside the Arab grabs three pastries and swiftly stashes them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, “So what did you do with the pastries?” The Jew replies, “Look in the Arab’s back pocket…..”

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