Money Jokes

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Funniest Money Jokes

Funny Money Jokes
Score: 61413

If I had a $ for every post I've seen today about Net Neutrality... I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.

Score: 38709

How do you break up two blind guys fighting? Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

Score: 18774

If I had a dollar for every downvote EA"s comment gets.... I would have enough money to unlock half of the Battlefront 2 heroes without having to grind them.

Score: 18219

When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution

Edit: *Alleged* contribution of $1 million. Also, thank you kind gilder

Score: 17577

I proposed to my ex-wife today She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money

Score: 15059

What does Eevee evolve into when you give it money? Patreon

Score: 12289

Whenever a homeless person asks me for money, I admit my first thought is always, "This money's just going to get spent on booze or drugs." That's why I always give it to the homeless person instead.

Score: 11486

Just paid $350 on a limo, but found out it didn't include a driver All that money with nothing to chauffeur it

Score: 10857

I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife… But I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.

Score: 10775

How do you break up two blind guys fighting? Shout, “I got money on that guy with the knife!”

Score: 10529

Genie: Whats your first wish? Dave: I wish I was rich.
Genie: Granted, what's your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.

Score: 9750

A robber broke into my house last night looking for money So I woke up to look with him.

Score: 7594

I’ve done some terrible things for money. Like getting up early to go to work. ‬

Score: 7330

The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realised I only had a £20 note I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?". I decided I didn't so I gave him the money

Score: 5917

Dave rubs a magic lamp and the genie grants him 3 wishes Genie: what will be your first wish?

Dave: I want to be rich

Genie: Granted. What will be your second wish?

Rich: I want a lot of money

Score: 5836

I wish my college was run by EA At least I’d get a sense of pride and accomplishment for my money

Score: 4332

A women called me ugly until she found how much money I make. Now she’s calling me ugly and poor.

Score: 3835

Genie: What is your first wish? joe: i want to be rich.

genie: granted. what is your second wish?

rich: i want lots of money.

Score: 2492

If i had a nickel for every existential crisis it wouldn't matter because money is a social construct and existence is meaningless

Score: 2220

I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching To reverse and leaving the scene

Score: 2141

2 reasons I don't give money to homeless people 1. They would spend it on alcohol.
2. I want to spend it on alcohol.

Score: 2059

Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller... Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!'

Cashier (puzzled) "Did you mean to say "or you're history?"

Robber: "Don't change the subject."

Score: 2030

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

Score: 1856

A mugger jumps out in front of a university student... ...and shouts "your money or your life!"

The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a Computer Science student. I don't have either".

Score: 1451

Where do atheists donate their money? Non Prophet Organizations

Score: 1341

Whats the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief? An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"

A professional thief says, "Sign here please.."

Score: 1244

My friend is making a lot of easy money by selling pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes. It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

Score: 1194

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self. Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

Score: 1188

2 reasons why I don't give money to homeless people. 1. They need money for drugs
2. I need money for drugs

Score: 1092

I got into an accident, but I managed to save a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching... my car to reverse leaving the scene.

Score: 523

What do you get when you cross a Kangaroo and an Elephant? A letter from the Scientific Ethics Committee and a withdrawl of your grant money.

Score: 185

I hate it when homeless shake their cups with change in them I know you have more money than me, stop showing off.

Score: 148

My wife asked if I would divorce her if I won the lottery. I said no, of course. With that kind of money, I could afford a hit man.

Score: 96

Jim finds a genie in a lamp The genie says "you have three wishes to make"

Jim instantly says "I wish I were rich!"

The genie responds, "and for your second wish?"

Rich says "I want lots of money"

Score: 82

A guy runs into a bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and shouts, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!" Puzzled, the teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?” The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"

Score: 76

So I ordered the 50 cent at the bar last night... The bartender gave me 9 shots and took all my money

Score: 56

How to explain to your parents that you are a prostitute Hey mom, remember when I said I was tight for money? Now I'm loose for money.

Score: 45

What's the difference between a robber and a politician? Politicians run BEFORE they steal your money.

Score: 43

Just bought a new phone, it's helping me with weight loss I don't have money to eat anything for 2 months.

Score: 22

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New Money Jokes

If you used your stimulus money to buy chicks then you got Money for nothin' and chicks for free

Score: 3

Did you hear about the fat man who gave money to a piano player? He really tipped the scales.

Score: 2

I remember in middle school there was a kid who tried to pay me to be his friend.. .. and I felt really bad for him because he just didn’t have enough money

Score: 11

My wife said I'm always wasting money... She said: "Stop buying things you'll never use!"

So I cancelled my life insurance!

Score: 12

When I was a child, a man came out of nowhere and stole all my money Now that I'm a rich man, I went back in time to take all my money from me as a child so he can't steal it!

Score: 6

MY MOM: Why have you always wanted to be a couples therapist? ME: Twice the money as a normal therapist!

Score: 5

Thought id help out aha Earlier today i saw a women crying in Asda car park.
She said she lot all her holiday money.
I felt sorry for her so I gave her £50.
I don't usually do this kind of stuff but I recently found £2000 in the car park before.

Score: 2

I came out of Asda this morning and found a women crying her eyes out. She had lost all her money. I felt so sorrt for her I gave her $50. I usually don't do that thing but I'd just found $2000 in the carpark

Score: 4

My grandfather always used to say "Watch your health, kid, not your money". Well years later someone stole all my money. It was my grandfather.

Score: 2

In Zimbabwe we always use 2 shopping carts One for the food, one for the money.

Score: 4

I have done the Aladdin thing twice already... = Marry a desperate woman for the money

Score: 2

Every girl used to call me ugly until they found out how much money I have Now they call me ugly AND poor

Score: 2

How did the unlawfully arrested meth dealer make his money? Sued a Fed

Score: 3

I spent so much money on my speech therapist that she could afford to buy a yacht She called it the S. S. Stutter

Score: 2

I once knew a guy who did circumcisions The money wasn't great, but at least he got to keep the tips

Score: 10

I can't believe exterminators get money from killing rats. I killed a rat once and got a lifetime ban from Chuck-E-Cheese's.

Score: 3

All of Drakes girls are always takin his money and leavin To go back to school shopping

Score: 2

What are the three Ms that women take from me? Money...

Mental health...

My testicles...

Score: 2

What did the woman who won the lottery get? Lotto money.

Score: 4

The attorney filed a motion for a new trial. The judge barked angrily "On what grounds!?" "Your honor," the lawyer explained, "my client has discovered some money that I didn't know he had."

Score: 8

My English teacher asked to “define money”. I responded “something you don’t have”.

Score: 4

My wife told me I ruined our vacation. How's that possible when we never even went on vacation? I lost all the money gambling.

Score: 16

Please be careful!!!!! don't know if this is a scam, I've just received a phone call saying I've won tickets for an Elvis Presley tribute show then it said. Just press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.

Score: 19

Everybody needs to calm down about Net Neutrality dying... Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

Score: 7

What's the difference between me and DC? DC makes money disappointing people

Score: 5

Trump announced plans to pull out of Iran deal. And if that doesn't work he'll just pay them a bunch of taxpayer money to get the abortion and keep quiet about it.

Score: 2

Women always call me ugly until they realize how much money I make Then they call me ugly and broke

Score: 2

My friend heard about an African village trying to raise enough money to sink a well for fresh water. He sent them a cheque for $100... ...I sent them a "Get well soon" card

Score: 3

Why don't dead people need money? They don't have any living expenses!

Score: 2

If I had a bitcoin for every gender... I would be imagining getting a lot of pretend money for a lot of people pretending.

Score: 7

Everyone needs to chill out about the net neutrality controversy Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

Score: 2

I won $5 million in the lottery last night. After much pondering over what I should do with the money, I decided that I will donate a quarter of the money to charity. I now have $4,999,999.75.

Score: 6

If I get more money, I'll start eating less ramen. And if I get less money, I'll also start eating less ramen.

Score: 6

My ex girlfriend was very good at magic She kept making my money disappear

Score: 2

I have enough money in my bank to live my live without working If I die this wednessday that is..

Score: 2

What's the difference between a thief and a consultant. A thief will steal your money and leave. But a consultant will steal your money and try to help you find it.

Score: 6

The artist Pitbull is my biggest inspiration. never has someone made so much money with such little talent.

Score: 16

What do you call an insect that used to drive people around for money? Exuberant

Score: 20

I heard that after Hurricane Irma, FEMA will run out of money. This is surprising since I thought they would have a rainy day fund.

Score: 2

For sale: Slightly used eclipse glasses Selling them to raise money for my optometry bills.

Score: 3

Watson didn't make much money working for Sherlock Holmes Too many deductions

Score: 10

When i went to ask mom for gym money Me:Mom give me some money for the gym.

Mom:Will you become John Cena after going to gym?

Me:Am I becoming Einstein by going to school?

Score: 5

They charged me money to print out a screen shot of UFC fight night. It was paper view.

Score: 2

Why do people keep saying little mothers need more money? Oh, that's not what people mean by "minimum wage"?

Score: 3

My grandad gave me some sound advise on his deathbed. "It's worth spending money on good speakers", he told me.

Score: 3

People always complain that Jewish people have all the money. Well if 6 million of your people died, you'd expect at least some inheritance

Score: 2

What's the one thing you need to know in order to make money on the stock market AND not have kids without using condoms? The right time to pull out.

Score: 3

A guy came to my bar the other day and told me "hey man I don't have much money, can you just give me your cheapest shot?" . . I said "Yeah, your ugly and your mom dresses you funny".

Score: 4

I just don't understand kids. My kid says he wants to play heavy metal. So why's he so mad at me? I bought him one of the best tubas money can buy!

Score: 3

two guys were walking down the street; one of them was a bassist... the other guy didn't have any money either

Score: 2

A father has 4 sons in his house. 3 have a PhD, but one is a robber. Why won't he kick out the robber? Because he's the only one making money

Score: 18

In Harry Potter, as soon as Harry gets his inheritance money, he starts blowing it on stupid stuff off the trolley In the wizarding world, I believe they call that "Muggle rich"

Score: 2

Crueless joke Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.

Score: 7

A Dutch guy, a Belgian guy and a Greek guy are sitting in a room The Dutch guy had a joke, but wanted money for it. The Greek guy couldn't pay it and the Belgian guy didn't get it.

Score: 4

Mayweather won that fight last night.... His punches were right on the Money

Score: 2

I was told you should give homeless people money for food But the grocery store seems to work better.

Score: 2

The girl I like checked me out today. I gave her money, and she gave me groceries.

Score: 13

A man saves up enough money to take his kids to Disneyland... ...when he goes to tell them about it, his son says "Thank you so much, daddy! When are we going?"

"Well, whenever we save up enough to come back."

Score: 18

starbucks is like a hooker... one on every corner and money upfront before they scream your name

Score: 15

Former Olympic skier Pickabo Street donated money to a local hospital... Former Olympic skier Pickabo Street donated money to a local hospital. In gratitude, the hospital named their emergency ward after her-- it's now the Picabo ICU.

Score: 7

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