Money Jokes

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Funniest Money Jokes

Funny Money Jokes
Score: 61413

If I had a $ for every post I've seen today about Net Neutrality... I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.

Score: 38709

How do you break up two blind guys fighting? Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

Score: 18774

If I had a dollar for every downvote EA"s comment gets.... I would have enough money to unlock half of the Battlefront 2 heroes without having to grind them.

Score: 18219

When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution

Edit: *Alleged* contribution of $1 million. Also, thank you kind gilder

Score: 17577

I proposed to my ex-wife today She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money

Score: 15059

What does Eevee evolve into when you give it money? Patreon

Score: 12289

Whenever a homeless person asks me for money, I admit my first thought is always, "This money's just going to get spent on booze or drugs." That's why I always give it to the homeless person instead.

Score: 11486

Just paid $350 on a limo, but found out it didn't include a driver All that money with nothing to chauffeur it

Score: 10857

I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife… But I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.

Score: 10775

How do you break up two blind guys fighting? Shout, “I got money on that guy with the knife!”

Score: 10529

Genie: Whats your first wish? Dave: I wish I was rich.
Genie: Granted, what's your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.

Score: 9750

A robber broke into my house last night looking for money So I woke up to look with him.

Score: 7594

I’ve done some terrible things for money. Like getting up early to go to work. ‬

Score: 7330

The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realised I only had a £20 note I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?". I decided I didn't so I gave him the money

Score: 5917

Dave rubs a magic lamp and the genie grants him 3 wishes Genie: what will be your first wish?

Dave: I want to be rich

Genie: Granted. What will be your second wish?

Rich: I want a lot of money

Score: 5836

I wish my college was run by EA At least I’d get a sense of pride and accomplishment for my money

Score: 4332

A women called me ugly until she found how much money I make. Now she’s calling me ugly and poor.

Score: 3835

Genie: What is your first wish? joe: i want to be rich.

genie: granted. what is your second wish?

rich: i want lots of money.

Score: 2492

If i had a nickel for every existential crisis it wouldn't matter because money is a social construct and existence is meaningless

Score: 2220

I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching To reverse and leaving the scene

Score: 2141

2 reasons I don't give money to homeless people 1. They would spend it on alcohol.
2. I want to spend it on alcohol.

Score: 2059

Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller... Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!'

Cashier (puzzled) "Did you mean to say "or you're history?"

Robber: "Don't change the subject."

Score: 2030

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

Score: 1856

A mugger jumps out in front of a university student... ...and shouts "your money or your life!"

The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a Computer Science student. I don't have either".

Score: 1451

Where do atheists donate their money? Non Prophet Organizations

Score: 1341

Whats the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief? An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"

A professional thief says, "Sign here please.."

Score: 1244

My friend is making a lot of easy money by selling pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes. It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

Score: 1194

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self. Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

Score: 1188

2 reasons why I don't give money to homeless people. 1. They need money for drugs
2. I need money for drugs

Score: 1092

If my grandmother knew how much money i spent on her funeral She'd be spinning in her ditch

Score: 957

I always wanted to be Batman when I grew up Not for the gadgets or the money. I just hate my parents.

Score: 869

A politician is walking down the street when he is suddenly attacked. The assailant says "give me all your money." The politician says "do you know who I am? I'm an important government official." The mugger says, "fine, give me all my money."

Score: 847

I tried to re-marry my ex-wife. But she figured out I was only after my money.

Score: 774

What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond? The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.

Score: 606

I got into an accident, but I managed to save a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching... my car to reverse leaving the scene.

Score: 523

What's the fastest way to earn money as a photographer? By selling your camera.

Score: 497

Never give a donation to someone collecting for a charity marathon. They'll take the money and run.

Score: 373

A plumber fixes a damaged pipe in a doctor's house and asks for 200 dollars. Doctor says to him: "Even i, don't make so much money in such a short period and i'm a doctor". And the plumber goes: "I know sir. I used to be a doctor myself"

Score: 350

I once made a belt out of $100 bills Turns out it was just a waist of money

Score: 330

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New Money Jokes

A guy runs into a bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and shouts, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!" Puzzled, the teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?” The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"

Score: 76

Please be careful!!!!! don't know if this is a scam, I've just received a phone call saying I've won tickets for an Elvis Presley tribute show then it said. Just press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.

Score: 19

What do you call an insect that used to drive people around for money? Exuberant

Score: 20

A broke man goes to a famous lawyer... "I have no money but I can give you an original Picasso drawing"

"That sounds good! What are you accused of?"

"stealing a Picasso drawing."

Score: 48

Why is bungee jumping, and a prostitute similar? You pay money for some quick fun and if he rubber breaks, you're dead!

Score: 36

I just found out that the sperm bank pays All these years, money has been running through my fingers

Score: 22

I was at the bank going to withdraw money from my account when the clerk told me I had an outstanding balance I told her thank you I did gymnastics as a kid.

Score: 133

The Irish must have lost so much money last night due to betting. They'll be asking to rejoin the United Kingdom later today.

Score: 263

i hate when homeless people shaking their cup of coins at me like yeah i know you have more money than me but you don't need to rub it in

Score: 277

My wife asked if I would divorce her if I won the lottery. I said no, of course. With that kind of money, I could afford a hit man.

Score: 96

I was mugged last night by a thief on the way home Pointing a knife at me, he said
"Your money or your life"

I told him I was married so I have no money & no life

We hugged & cried together...

It was a beautiful moment

Score: 31

If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse... I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need now!

Score: 139

If I had a dollar for every gender I would have two dollars and a lot of monopoly money.

Score: 196

I want a girl who likes long romantic walks Because I don't have a car or money

Score: 36

A lawyer, a spy, a money launderer, and a mob boss walk into a bar. The bar tender looks up and says, "you must be here to talk about adoption".

Score: 24

A spy, an adulterer, and a guy who launders money for the Russian mob walk into a bar... The bartender says "What'll it be, Mr. President?"

Score: 60

Some guys tried selling me a funeral plot. I told him that would be the last thing I'd ever spend my money on.

Score: 84

Women call me ugly, until they find out how much money I make... Then they call me poor and ugly.

Score: 52

There's this new cryptocurrency called Decibel. You just yell in your microphone to get money... It's a sound investment.

Score: 117

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I've ever had... Does money even matter?

Score: 28

A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun and points it at the teller… “Give me all your money or you’re geography.” he says.

The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”

The robber says, “Don’t change the subject.”

Score: 50

Thieves broke into my house last night looking for money... I quickly got up and started looking with em!

Score: 119

To this day, the guy who took my lunch money during school still takes my money. On the bright side, he makes really good subway sandwiches.

Score: 28

Jim finds a genie in a lamp The genie says "you have three wishes to make"

Jim instantly says "I wish I were rich!"

The genie responds, "and for your second wish?"

Rich says "I want lots of money"

Score: 82

Who would pay a ridiculous amount of money for a pair of average over-hyped headphones? Beats me.

Score: 49

What do you get when you cross a Kangaroo and an Elephant? A letter from the Scientific Ethics Committee and a withdrawl of your grant money.

Score: 185

How do you transfer money in the Vatican? You use Papal.

Score: 21

If I had a dollar for every good joke on this sub... I would have around 15 dollars and a lot of photocopied money.

Score: 214

People who work in coin factories sure are lucky. They make a lot of money.

Score: 52

Why don't clowns invest their money in the market? They'd be the laughing stock.

Score: 20

Anyone that says money can't buy happiness.... Has never been divorced

Score: 157

21st century newspaper I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century,' she said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.'.
I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him!

Score: 38

I recently came into a large sum of money. Now it's all sticky and no one will accept it.

Score: 144

I got $20 from a blind homeless man on the street today! He had this tin can full of money, and was just holding it in front of my face. What a friendly guy.

Score: 143

If I had a dollar every time I was called sexist... I'd be making more money than the average woman

Score: 59

I have an addiction to having lots of money in my bank account. Unfortunately, I'm suffering from withdrawals.

Score: 52

Seriously contemplating remarrying my Ex-wife... But I'm pretty sure that she'll figure out I'm just after my money

Score: 233

Genie: What is your first wish? Steve: I want to be rich.
Genie: Wish granted. What is your second wish?
Rich: I want a lot of money.

Score: 52

I finally saved up enough money that I could afford to listen to my heart. It turns out that's just a metaphor.

Anyway, I have a stethoscope for sale.

Score: 29

I came into a lot of money today, which is weird. I usually use tissues.

Score: 85

A man was giving good advice for $1 I gave him $1 and he replied," stop wasting money."

WTF

Score: 321

For anyone who says "money cant buy you happiness" You obviously have never paid for a divorce.

Score: 172

A guy walks into a Bar And asks for a beer.


The bartender: 'do you want a normal beer or a no-alcohol?'


'It depends. Do you want normal money or Monopoly's?'

Score: 44

I got kicked out of a titty club. The stripper started yelling at me for using fake money, so I yelled at her for using fake titties.

Score: 33

I bought a treadmill the other day... It's really giving me a run for my money.

Score: 22

Little Johnny: "Grandma, make a sound like a Frog." Grandma: "Why?" Little Johnny: "Cause daddy says we'll make a lot of money when you croak."

Score: 22

What's the fastest way to make money as a guitarist? By selling your guitar.

Score: 86

If I had a dollar for every gender... I'd have $2 and some monopoly money...

Score: 219

The U.K. has no money Sorry for poor English

Score: 40

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make... Then they don't call me at all.

Score: 226

I hate it when homeless shake their cups with change in them I know you have more money than me, stop showing off.

Score: 148

Just bought a new phone, it's helping me with weight loss I don't have money to eat anything for 2 months.

Score: 22

A Jew gets robbed The thief points a gun threateningly at the Jew, "Your money or your life!"

The Jew stops in his tracks and does nothing.

The thief waves the gun. "I said, your money or your life!!!!"

The Jew says, "I'm thinking, I'm thinking!"

Score: 48

Anyone exciting about the iPhone 7? I do Because it will bring down the price of iPhone 6, which lead to iPhone 5's price to drop too. Finally, i'll have enough money to buy an iPhone 4

Score: 32

I always keep a picture of my wife and children in my wallet. It reminds me why there's no money in there.

Score: 328

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs ...and said, "Give me your money." The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!" The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"

Score: 100

A thief broke into my house, looking for money I got up and did the same thing.

Score: 43

A father has 4 sons in his house. 3 have a PhD, but one is a robber. Why won't he kick out the robber? Because he's the only one making money

Score: 18

So I ordered the 50 cent at the bar last night... The bartender gave me 9 shots and took all my money

Score: 56

A man saves up enough money to take his kids to Disneyland... ...when he goes to tell them about it, his son says "Thank you so much, daddy! When are we going?"

"Well, whenever we save up enough to come back."

Score: 18

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