If I had a $ for every post I've seen today about Net Neutrality... I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.
If I had a dollar for every downvote EA"s comment gets.... I would have enough money to unlock half of the Battlefront 2 heroes without having to grind them.
When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan
But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution
Edit: *Alleged* contribution of $1 million. Also, thank you kind gilder
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.” That was some sound advice.
Just paid $350 on a limo, but found out it didn't include a driver All that money with nothing to chauffeur it
How do you break up two blind guys fighting? Shout, “I got money on that guy with the knife!”
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me. I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realised I only had a £20 note I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?". I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
Dave rubs a magic lamp and the genie grants him 3 wishes
Genie: what will be your first wish?
Dave: I want to be rich
Genie: Granted. What will be your second wish?
Rich: I want a lot of money
I wish my college was run by EA At least I’d get a sense of pride and accomplishment for my money
A women called me ugly until she found how much money I make. Now she’s calling me ugly and poor.
If i had a nickel for every existential crisis it wouldn't matter because money is a social construct and existence is meaningless
2 reasons I don't give money to homeless people
1. They would spend it on alcohol.
2. I want to spend it on alcohol.
Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller...
Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!'
Cashier (puzzled) "Did you mean to say "or you're history?"
Robber: "Don't change the subject."
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
A mugger jumps out in front of a university student...
...and shouts "your money or your life!"
The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a Computer Science student. I don't have either".
My friend is making a lot of easy money by selling pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes. It’s like shooting fish in apparel.
Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self. Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.
2 reasons why I don't give money to homeless people.
1. They need money for drugs
2. I need money for drugs
Girls used to call me ugly until they found out how much money I make. Now they also call me poor.
A thief pointed a knife at me and said "your money or your life" I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I'm making... ...then they call me ugly and poor.
My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes... It’s like shooting fish in apparel...
I don't get the point of a lap dance If I wanted a woman to take my money and frustrate me sexually, I would've stayed home with my wife
A thief stole my wife's credit card But I let him keep it because he spends less money than she does.
The reason why Saudi Arabia has so much money is not because of oil, . but, because they wouldn't let their women spend it
If you watch Jeopardy backwards, it's about rich people paying money for answers to questions. That is all.
I posed naked for a magazine today Although from the reaction I got, I think the newsstand owner would have preferred money
A thief A thief broke in to my house last night........He started searching my house for money so I woke up and searched with him.
I was thinking about spending $100 to watch the boxing match tonight... But why would I spend money to see Mayweather when I can just look outside?
I got into an accident, but I managed to save a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching... my car to reverse leaving the scene.
I always carry pictures of my wife and kids in my wallet It reminds me why no money is in there
Why did the mods of r/iamatotalpieceofshit cross the road? To collect money from Joel Michael Singer.
I walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read, "One day, this could be you" I put my money back in my pocket, just in case he's right.
I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet. It reminds me why there’s no money in there.
My friend's financial advisor spent all of his money on strippers and blow. That guy really put the douche in fiduciary responsibility.
A robber enters a bank and points a gun at the teller
Robber: Put all the money in the bag or you’re Geography!
Teller: Don’t you mean History?
Robber: Don’t change the subject!
I just donated 100$ to a charity for blind children But I doubt they'll ever see any of the money
Women are like swimming pools. They cost a lot of money to maintain, considering the amount of time you spend inside them.
I just spent 350$ on a limo service and just found out it doesn't come with a driver! All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.
Genie: Whats your first wish?
Joe: I want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: I want lots of money
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered the fee doesn't include a driver Can't believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it
I bet a lot of money that scientists will be able to perfect human cloning soon. If not, I won’t be able to live with myself.
My wife wants to leave me. She says I care more about gambling than I do her or our daughter. She’s obviously wrong. Why else am I refusing to leave the casino until I win my daughter’s college tuition money back?
Son is asking his dad for money to buy new glasses
Son: Dad my glasses broke i need new one
Dad: Get a job and buy them yourself. What do i look like, a bank?
Son: I don't know i can't f*cking see!
I've always suspected my wife was cheating. Yesterday I found the evidence I was looking for... She kept the monopoly money hidden in the cushion of the couch.
I really can't stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me. Do they really have to rub it in that they've got more cash than I do?
I came into a large sum of money recently... Which is weird, because I normally just use paper towels.
I saw a homeless man aggressively shaking a cup of coins at me this morning I get it. You have more money than me. No need to rub it in
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
Teacher: If I gave you a dollar and your father gave you a dollar how much money would you have?
Me: 1 dollar
Teacher: You clearly don't know your arithmetic
Me: You clearly don't know my father
Girls only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
Even now, all this time later, we have to remain calm about the Net Neutrality thing... Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.
My mom embarassed me me today when one of my black friends came over..she just kept saying "Is he a drug dealer? He looks like a drug dealer" I said "No mom that's racist...and put your money away"
My dad come up to my room, and handed me my soaking wet wallet, after accidentally leaving it in my jeans as they went through the wash.
"Son, you're going to have to stop money laundering."
Edit: This is an actual quote from my dad 5 minutes ago.
If you upvote this post, later this week money will enter into your life. I call it a praycheck
Why do prostitutes make more money then drug dealers? Because they can wash their crack and sell it again
I hate it when homeless people shake their cups of coins at me I get that you have more money than me, no need to rub it in
I just found out sperm banks pay for your sample.... To think I've let all that money slip through my fingers.
I walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read, "One day, this could be you." So I put my money back in my pocket, just in case he's right.
A plumber fixes a damaged pipe in a doctor's house and asks for 200 dollars. Doctor says to him: "Even i, don't make so much money in such a short period and i'm a doctor". And the plumber goes: "I know sir. I used to be a doctor myself"
I was at the bank going to withdraw money from my account when the clerk told me I had an outstanding balance I told her thank you I did gymnastics as a kid.
The Irish must have lost so much money last night due to betting. They'll be asking to rejoin the United Kingdom later today.
i hate when homeless people shaking their cup of coins at me like yeah i know you have more money than me but you don't need to rub it in
If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse... I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need now!
Never give a donation to someone collecting for a charity marathon. They'll take the money and run.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my Ex-wife... But I'm pretty sure that she'll figure out I'm just after my money