Money Jokes

Contents

Funniest Money Jokes

Funny Money Jokes
Score: 61413

If I had a $ for every post I've seen today about Net Neutrality... I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.

Score: 38709

How do you break up two blind guys fighting? Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

Score: 18774

If I had a dollar for every downvote EA"s comment gets.... I would have enough money to unlock half of the Battlefront 2 heroes without having to grind them.

Score: 18219

When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution

Edit: *Alleged* contribution of $1 million. Also, thank you kind gilder

Score: 17577

I proposed to my ex-wife today She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money

Score: 15059

What does Eevee evolve into when you give it money? Patreon

Score: 12289

Whenever a homeless person asks me for money, I admit my first thought is always, "This money's just going to get spent on booze or drugs." That's why I always give it to the homeless person instead.

Score: 11486

Just paid $350 on a limo, but found out it didn't include a driver All that money with nothing to chauffeur it

Score: 10857

I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife… But I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.

Score: 10775

How do you break up two blind guys fighting? Shout, “I got money on that guy with the knife!”

Score: 10529

Genie: Whats your first wish? Dave: I wish I was rich.
Genie: Granted, what's your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.

Score: 9750

A robber broke into my house last night looking for money So I woke up to look with him.

Score: 7594

I’ve done some terrible things for money. Like getting up early to go to work. ‬

Score: 7330

The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realised I only had a £20 note I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?". I decided I didn't so I gave him the money

Score: 5917

Dave rubs a magic lamp and the genie grants him 3 wishes Genie: what will be your first wish?

Dave: I want to be rich

Genie: Granted. What will be your second wish?

Rich: I want a lot of money

Score: 5836

I wish my college was run by EA At least I’d get a sense of pride and accomplishment for my money

Score: 4332

A women called me ugly until she found how much money I make. Now she’s calling me ugly and poor.

Score: 3835

Genie: What is your first wish? joe: i want to be rich.

genie: granted. what is your second wish?

rich: i want lots of money.

Score: 2492

If i had a nickel for every existential crisis it wouldn't matter because money is a social construct and existence is meaningless

Score: 2220

I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching To reverse and leaving the scene

Score: 2141

2 reasons I don't give money to homeless people 1. They would spend it on alcohol.
2. I want to spend it on alcohol.

Score: 2059

Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller... Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!'

Cashier (puzzled) "Did you mean to say "or you're history?"

Robber: "Don't change the subject."

Score: 2030

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

Score: 1856

A mugger jumps out in front of a university student... ...and shouts "your money or your life!"

The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a Computer Science student. I don't have either".

Score: 1451

Where do atheists donate their money? Non Prophet Organizations

Score: 1341

Whats the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief? An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"

A professional thief says, "Sign here please.."

Score: 1244

My friend is making a lot of easy money by selling pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes. It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

Score: 1194

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self. Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

Score: 1188

2 reasons why I don't give money to homeless people. 1. They need money for drugs
2. I need money for drugs

Score: 1092

I got into an accident, but I managed to save a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching... my car to reverse leaving the scene.

Score: 523

My wife asked if I would divorce her if I won the lottery. I said no, of course. With that kind of money, I could afford a hit man.

Score: 96

So I ordered the 50 cent at the bar last night... The bartender gave me 9 shots and took all my money

Score: 56

How to explain to your parents that you are a prostitute Hey mom, remember when I said I was tight for money? Now I'm loose for money.

Score: 45

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I have ever had... Does money even matter?

Score: 45

What's the difference between a robber and a politician? Politicians run BEFORE they steal your money.

Score: 43

Just bought a new phone, it's helping me with weight loss I don't have money to eat anything for 2 months.

Score: 22

A father has 4 sons in his house. 3 have a PhD, but one is a robber. Why won't he kick out the robber? Because he's the only one making money

Score: 18

My wife told me I ruined our vacation. How's that possible when we never even went on vacation? I lost all the money gambling.

Score: 16

My wife said I'm always wasting money... She said: "Stop buying things you'll never use!"

So I cancelled my life insurance!

Score: 12

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New Money Jokes

A psychic owed me money He knew what was coming for him!

Score: 2

How does the British government raise money? They issue James Bonds

Score: 2

Did you know that an elephant can carry up to nearly 20,000 pounds? I wish I had that kind of money on me.

Score: 2

How come when the government gives itself money, it’s called “fractional reserving,” But when I give myself money, it’s called “theft,” “embezzlement,” and “fraud”?

Score: 2

I asked my blonde girlfriend: "If you inherited or won a million pounds, what’s the very first thing you would do with the money?" She said, "Thank the person I inherited it from."

Score: 2

I remember in middle school there was a kid who tried to pay me to be his friend.. .. and I felt really bad for him because he just didn’t have enough money

Score: 11

When I was a child, a man came out of nowhere and stole all my money Now that I'm a rich man, I went back in time to take all my money from me as a child so he can't steal it!

Score: 6

MY MOM: Why have you always wanted to be a couples therapist? ME: Twice the money as a normal therapist!

Score: 5

Thought id help out aha Earlier today i saw a women crying in Asda car park.
She said she lot all her holiday money.
I felt sorry for her so I gave her £50.
I don't usually do this kind of stuff but I recently found £2000 in the car park before.

Score: 2

I came out of Asda this morning and found a women crying her eyes out. She had lost all her money. I felt so sorrt for her I gave her $50. I usually don't do that thing but I'd just found $2000 in the carpark

Score: 4

In Zimbabwe we always use 2 shopping carts One for the food, one for the money.

Score: 4

Every girl used to call me ugly until they found out how much money I have Now they call me ugly AND poor

Score: 2

How did the unlawfully arrested meth dealer make his money? Sued a Fed

Score: 3

I spent so much money on my speech therapist that she could afford to buy a yacht She called it the S. S. Stutter

Score: 2

I can't believe exterminators get money from killing rats. I killed a rat once and got a lifetime ban from Chuck-E-Cheese's.

Score: 3

All of Drakes girls are always takin his money and leavin To go back to school shopping

Score: 2

What are the three Ms that women take from me? Money...

Mental health...

My testicles...

Score: 2

What did the woman who won the lottery get? Lotto money.

Score: 4

My English teacher asked to “define money”. I responded “something you don’t have”.

Score: 4

If I had a dollar note for every time a baby boomer said my generation sucks... I would have enough money to get a mortgage in the ruined economy they made.

Score: 6

The owner of the local bowling alley decides to divorce his wife now he has to pay her alley-money

Score: 2

Women always call me ugly until they realize how much money I make Then they call me ugly and broke

Score: 2

My friend heard about an African village trying to raise enough money to sink a well for fresh water. He sent them a cheque for $100... ...I sent them a "Get well soon" card

Score: 3

Just got a text message but I think it's a scam..... It says congratulations you have won £500 or four tickets to an Elvis tribute act.

press one for the money, or two for the show.

Score: 6

Why don't dead people need money? They don't have any living expenses!

Score: 2

Everyone needs to chill out about the net neutrality controversy Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

Score: 2

Husband: what would you do if I won the lottery? Wife: I would take half the money and then leave you!

Husband: here’s the $20, now leave!

Score: 5

I won $5 million in the lottery last night. After much pondering over what I should do with the money, I decided that I will donate a quarter of the money to charity. I now have $4,999,999.75.

Score: 6

My ex girlfriend was very good at magic She kept making my money disappear

Score: 2

I have enough money in my bank to live my live without working If I die this wednessday that is..

Score: 2

My fortune cookie told me today to not worry about money because the best things in life are free... I think the cookie is telling me to rob a bank.

Score: 1

One day Dave goes up to Frank at work "Hey buddy," says Dave, "do you know anybody at work who has Alzheimer's?"

"Why do you want to know?" asks Frank

"Because I need to borrow some money," says Dave.

Score: 1

What's the difference between a thief and a consultant. A thief will steal your money and leave. But a consultant will steal your money and try to help you find it.

Score: 6

I made a TON of money selling fake eclipse glasses!! ...don't worry though. They'll never see me again.

Score: 1

Watson didn't make much money working for Sherlock Holmes Too many deductions

Score: 10

When i went to ask mom for gym money Me:Mom give me some money for the gym.

Mom:Will you become John Cena after going to gym?

Me:Am I becoming Einstein by going to school?

Score: 5

They charged me money to print out a screen shot of UFC fight night. It was paper view.

Score: 2

If I had a dollar for every millennial that complained about how much we baby boomers took from them... ...I wouldn't need their money to pay for my retirement and healthcare.

Score: 3

Kentucky Fried Chicken just donated a large sum of money to a hospital I heard they are calling it the Chicken Wing

Score: 4

I'm not really into guys with money, I just want someone to make me laugh. So does that make me a... Lol-Digger?

Score: 1

Why do people keep saying little mothers need more money? Oh, that's not what people mean by "minimum wage"?

Score: 3

I gave someone debt money for plastic surgery And now I don't recognize him

Score: 1

The Holocaust would be very different if it happened today and was orchestrated by the Italians The Jews would have gotten a one-way ticket to Flavortown just so Guy Fierri could show them that they don’t even know what “money” is.

Score: 1

Being in an interview and being a financial advisor are the same thing. At first you need to convince them you can make them money and then you try to take it all!

Let me know if it's a repost I feel very clever now!

Score: 1

My grandad gave me some sound advise on his deathbed. "It's worth spending money on good speakers", he told me.

Score: 3

How do you call an insanely rich proton that spent all of his money to become an electron? Ex centric

Score: 6

Taking a girl on a date is like winning the lottery You always just waste your money and get nothing in return

Score: 1

What do women and the stock market have in common? If you don't pull out in time, it will cost you a lot of money.



My boss said he made this up on the spot yesterday. Never heard it before so I figured I'd post it.

Score: 7

I remember hearing about this actor that lost all of his money and was locked up after a huge scandal... I'm pretty sure it was Nicolas Cage.

Score: 1

People always complain that Jewish people have all the money. Well if 6 million of your people died, you'd expect at least some inheritance

Score: 2

What's the one thing you need to know in order to make money on the stock market AND not have kids without using condoms? The right time to pull out.

Score: 3

A guy came to my bar the other day and told me "hey man I don't have much money, can you just give me your cheapest shot?" . . I said "Yeah, your ugly and your mom dresses you funny".

Score: 4

I just don't understand kids. My kid says he wants to play heavy metal. So why's he so mad at me? I bought him one of the best tubas money can buy!

Score: 3

So Clinton won 6 out of 6 coin tosses in Iowa? I guess all the money really is behind her!

Score: 1

two guys were walking down the street; one of them was a bassist... the other guy didn't have any money either

Score: 2

What is the difference between a casino and the stock market ? The casino comps you after taking all your money

Score: 1

I donate money to single mothers going to nursing school... One dollar at a time.

Score: 3

Mayweather won that fight last night.... His punches were right on the Money

Score: 2

I always wanted to be Batman when I was younger. Not because of the money or the gadgets. I just hated my parents.

Score: 9

If you suck for money, you go to jail. Unless you move to dallas, then you become an NFL quarterback.

Score: 1

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