If I had a $ for every post I've seen today about Net Neutrality... I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.
How do you break up two blind guys fighting? Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"
If I had a dollar for every downvote EA"s comment gets.... I would have enough money to unlock half of the Battlefront 2 heroes without having to grind them.
When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan
But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution
Edit: *Alleged* contribution of $1 million. Also, thank you kind gilder
I proposed to my ex-wife today She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money
What does Eevee evolve into when you give it money? Patreon
Whenever a homeless person asks me for money, I admit my first thought is always, "This money's just going to get spent on booze or drugs." That's why I always give it to the homeless person instead.
Just paid $350 on a limo, but found out it didn't include a driver All that money with nothing to chauffeur it
I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife… But I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.
How do you break up two blind guys fighting? Shout, “I got money on that guy with the knife!”
Genie: Whats your first wish?
Dave: I wish I was rich.
Genie: Granted, what's your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.
A robber broke into my house last night looking for money So I woke up to look with him.
I’ve done some terrible things for money. Like getting up early to go to work.
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realised I only had a £20 note I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?". I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
Dave rubs a magic lamp and the genie grants him 3 wishes
Genie: what will be your first wish?
Dave: I want to be rich
Genie: Granted. What will be your second wish?
Rich: I want a lot of money
I wish my college was run by EA At least I’d get a sense of pride and accomplishment for my money
A women called me ugly until she found how much money I make. Now she’s calling me ugly and poor.
Genie: What is your first wish?
joe: i want to be rich.
genie: granted. what is your second wish?
rich: i want lots of money.
If i had a nickel for every existential crisis it wouldn't matter because money is a social construct and existence is meaningless
I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching To reverse and leaving the scene
2 reasons I don't give money to homeless people
1. They would spend it on alcohol.
2. I want to spend it on alcohol.
Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller...
Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!'
Cashier (puzzled) "Did you mean to say "or you're history?"
Robber: "Don't change the subject."
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
A mugger jumps out in front of a university student...
...and shouts "your money or your life!"
The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a Computer Science student. I don't have either".
Where do atheists donate their money? Non Prophet Organizations
Whats the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?
An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"
A professional thief says, "Sign here please.."
My friend is making a lot of easy money by selling pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes. It’s like shooting fish in apparel.
Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self. Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.
2 reasons why I don't give money to homeless people.
1. They need money for drugs
2. I need money for drugs
I got into an accident, but I managed to save a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching... my car to reverse leaving the scene.
I always keep a picture of my wife and children in my wallet. It reminds me why there's no money in there.
So a guy walks into a bank with a gun and walks up to the teller...
Bank Robber: Put all your money in this bag or you're geography!
Bank Teller: Don't you mean history?
Bank Robber: Hey! Don't try to change the subject!
Do you know the Greek version of Monopoly?
It's called Monopoulos and you just borrow all the money from the bank.
What I need is to find a woman who loves me for my money ...
but doesn’t understand maths.
- Mike Birbiglia
How to explain to your parents that you are a prostitute Hey mom, remember when I said I was tight for money? Now I'm loose for money.
They say one out of every seven friends has a gambling addiction. My money is on Jimmy.
Anyone exciting about the iPhone 7? I do Because it will bring down the price of iPhone 6, which lead to iPhone 5's price to drop too. Finally, i'll have enough money to buy an iPhone 4
Just bought a new phone, it's helping me with weight loss I don't have money to eat anything for 2 months.
What do you call an insect that used to drive people around for money? Exuberant
A boy asks his teacher, "What's a palindrome?"
"A racecar," replies his teacher.
*20 years later*
The boy bursts out of a bank wearing a ski mask and with bags of money in his hands. "Where is the palindrome?" he asks his getaway driver, who was sitting in a kayak.
Why did the Alabama strip club close? They lost too much money from the family discount.
The kid who used to bully me in school still takes my money.. On the plus side, he makes a pretty decent Subway sandwich.
When I was a child, a man came out of nowhere and stole all my money Now that I'm a rich man, I went back in time to take all my money from me as a child so he can't steal it!
MY MOM: Why have you always wanted to be a couples therapist? ME: Twice the money as a normal therapist!
I came out of Asda this morning and found a women crying her eyes out. She had lost all her money. I felt so sorrt for her I gave her $50. I usually don't do that thing but I'd just found $2000 in the carpark
In Zimbabwe we always use 2 shopping carts One for the food, one for the money.
How did the unlawfully arrested meth dealer make his money? Sued a Fed
I can't believe exterminators get money from killing rats. I killed a rat once and got a lifetime ban from Chuck-E-Cheese's.
I needed money to pay over due bills
So my wife found part time work as a teacher.
That's a relief.
The officer told me: "You're staggering".
I said: "You're quite handsome yourself"
We just laughed and laughed.
^^I ^^need ^^bail ^^money.
All of Drakes girls are always takin his money and leavin To go back to school shopping
What are the three Ms that women take from me?
I just ran into that paleontologist who owed me money. Boy did I have a bone to pick with him.
Mommy! I don’t want to sleep with grandma anymore Honey I already told you we don’t have enough money to bury her.
My dad had the ultimate dad joke...
When we were little, he'd tell us how we had to remember to take our wallets out of our jeans when we put in the washing machine.
Because that's laundering money.
What did the woman who won the lottery get? Lotto money.
My English teacher asked to “define money”. I responded “something you don’t have”.
The owner of the local bowling alley decides to divorce his wife now he has to pay her alley-money
Trump announced plans to pull out of Iran deal. And if that doesn't work he'll just pay them a bunch of taxpayer money to get the abortion and keep quiet about it.
Women always call me ugly until they realize how much money I make Then they call me ugly and broke
Just got a text message but I think it's a scam.....
It says congratulations you have won £500 or four tickets to an Elvis tribute act.
press one for the money, or two for the show.
If I had a bitcoin for every gender... I would be imagining getting a lot of pretend money for a lot of people pretending.
Everyone needs to chill out about the net neutrality controversy Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.
I won $5 million in the lottery last night. After much pondering over what I should do with the money, I decided that I will donate a quarter of the money to charity. I now have $4,999,999.75.
I only had enough money to buy either a ladder or a rope... I chose the latter.
My ex girlfriend was very good at magic She kept making my money disappear
I have enough money in my bank to live my live without working If I die this wednessday that is..
I was in a car crash, but I managed to save a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching... My car into reverse and rapidly removing myself from the scene.
My manager asked me if I had prepared my report on how to cut costs at our cookie factory...
Thinking quickly, I told him that we could save money by not fully cooking all our cookies.
It was a half-baked idea, but it turned out to save us a lot of dough.
They say that one in every seven friends has a gambling addiction. My money's on Dave.
With all the money I made with Bitcoin I know exactly what I'm going to spend it on... ...my internet bill.
In america you run out of money In Soviet Russia you run out of country
What's the difference between a thief and a consultant. A thief will steal your money and leave. But a consultant will steal your money and try to help you find it.
The artist Pitbull is my biggest inspiration. never has someone made so much money with such little talent.
Watson didn't make much money working for Sherlock Holmes Too many deductions
When i went to ask mom for gym money
Me:Mom give me some money for the gym.
Mom:Will you become John Cena after going to gym?
Me:Am I becoming Einstein by going to school?
A patient says to a dentist : " you pulled out a tooth in like 3 seconds and you get the money, not fair! What an easy career" The dentist replies: " sounds right. Let's make it 3 hours long."
They charged me money to print out a screen shot of UFC fight night. It was paper view.
IT guys are total idiots!
I got a mail yesterday saying that I won 10 millions in a lottery in Senegal, and the only thing I had to do was to send my bank account informations. What a bunch of idiots, I didn't even play!
...so now I'm just waiting on my money.
If I had a dollar for every millennial that complained about how much we baby boomers took from them... ...I wouldn't need their money to pay for my retirement and healthcare.
TIL that Subway will give you your money back if they mess up your order. Whoops wrong sub!
Kentucky Fried Chicken just donated a large sum of money to a hospital I heard they are calling it the Chicken Wing
What do you call it when you borrow money from a pig? A pork tender-loan
Why do people keep saying little mothers need more money? Oh, that's not what people mean by "minimum wage"?
Why did Germany almost go bankrupt? Because the Holo-cost a lot of money. Anne Frankly, it wasn't worth it.
My grandad gave me some sound advise on his deathbed. "It's worth spending money on good speakers", he told me.
Some people say that firefighters need more money, So a poll was taken, and they all fell through the floor.
How do you call an insanely rich proton that spent all of his money to become an electron? Ex centric
What do women and the stock market have in common?
If you don't pull out in time, it will cost you a lot of money.
My boss said he made this up on the spot yesterday. Never heard it before so I figured I'd post it.
How does a dishwasher make his money? Panhandling
TIL it costs more money to make a penny than how much it's worth That makes very little cents
How much money does the Government pay people with autistic disorder? Enough to buy a computer that can play League of Legends.
People always complain that Jewish people have all the money. Well if 6 million of your people died, you'd expect at least some inheritance
What do xbox services and prostitutes have in common? They both take my money then go down on me
A mugger approaches an Irish man
He points his gun and says, "Your money or your life!"
The Irishman replies, "Take me life. I'm saving me money for me old age."
Mayweather won that fight last night.... His punches were right on the Money
What do you call a brass instrument that saves its money? A frugal horn. Sorry in advance.
PETA sponsored a new hot spot to get money from partying rich and famous animal lovers. It closed after one week. Apparently "Club Baby Seals" wasn't a good name for it.
starbucks is like a hooker... one on every corner and money upfront before they scream your name