Bread Jokes

Contents

Funniest Bread Jokes

Funny Bread Jokes

At the zoo I noticed a slice of toast in one of the enclosures. I asked the keeper, 'How did that toast get into the cage?'

'It was bread in captivity' she replied.

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.. Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...

I can't take my dog to the park anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. Guess that's what i get for buying a pure bread dog.

What do Giants and Strippers have in common? Grinding men’s bones to make their bread

Did you guys know that the Soviet Union made the best bread in history? People would wait days in line for a single piece

What do you call a game where Germans throw bread at each other Gluten tag

I bought a knife than can cut through four loaves of bread at once It’s a four loaf cleaver

I went to a French zoo There was a baguette in a cage, so I asked the keeper what that was about and apparently it was bread in captivity. (All credit to the wife for that one)

What do you call an Irish baker? A ginger bread man.

Just came up with this. Sorry for your eyes.

A toast Wife at the dinner table: Please toast some bread for me.
The lazy husband raised his wine glass and said, "To bread."

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. I guess that's what I get for getting a pure bread dog.

I went to the zoo today and saw a bagel locked up in a cage. Apparently it was bread in captivity.

I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage I guess you could say it was bread in captivity

The soviet union actually made the best bread in the world. People would stand in line for days just to get a piece of it.

Just back from the zoo. Saw a slice of toast lying in one of the enclosures. It was bread in captivity.

I went to the zoo the other day and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity

Does anyone else feel that white bread is superior? Or am I just breadjudiced?

Perfect day for a dad joke. Happy Fathers Day, folks!

Two homeless dudes sit on a park bench One askes the other: Did you bring bread for the pigeons?
The other replies: No, I eat them without the bread.

My dad's bread factory burnt down Now his business is toast

My 11 y/o brother told me this What is pickle bread before its baked?

Dill dough

I went to the zoo and I saw a baguette in a cage. I asked the zookeeper about it and he said it was bread in captivity.

A programmer's wife tells him to go to the store She says 'buy a loaf of bread, if they have eggs, buy a dozen."
He comes home with 12 loaves of bread

A wife sends her programmer husband to the store for bread. As he's leaving, she says, "if they have eggs, get a dozen."

He comes home with 12 loaves of bread

What do you call a red-haired baker? The ginger bread man

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage... The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity.

Man visits a dentist with broken teeth Dentist.:- how did you manage to break these three teeth. .?

Man:- my wife bakeda bread that was too hard.

Dentist.:- you could have refused to eat it

Man:- that's exactly how this happened...

Bread is a lot like the sun.. It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.

I went to the zoo today and saw some toast in a cage. It was bread in captivity.

In which part of the bread factory do lobsters work? The crust station.

Yesterday at the zoo I saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity.

I went to the vet today and saw a baguette in a cage It was bread in captivity

A man's bread shop burnt down Now his business is toast.

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale... I gave her some bread crumbs and left her in the forest.

Reporter to the world’s first trillionaire: “Sir, what are you going to do with all that money?”. “I can buy a chicken and some bread now!”, says Abou, while walking out of his bank in Zimbabwe

How do you start an Ethiopian rave? Tape a piece of bread to the ceiling.

What do people from Alabama have in common with yeast? They're both in bread

A guy walks into a bakery He buys bread, and the baker asks if he'd like his bread bagged in paper or plastic. The guy replies, "Baguette however you want".

What do you call an Irish baker? A ginger bread man

I went to the Zoo yesterday and there was a baguette in one of the cages. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.

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New Bread Jokes

Always makes someone laugh What does a German bread say?

Gluten tag.

What do you call a redhead who works at a bakery? A ginger bread man!

What do you call bread jokes? Buns

I've decided that from next week I'm going to dress as a different bread every day. Roll on Monday.

I was at the zoo the other day when I noticed a baguette in one of the enclosures... I went up to the zookeeper and asked why there was a baguette in a zoo. He replied "oh that?! It's bread in captivity"

what did the doctor say to the gluten-free patient? "im putting you on bread rest"

I used to work at a restaurant, but I wasn’t a good cook. I could make some good toast though. It was my bread and butter.

What is the wealthy dude who makes bread on YouTube called? Mr Yeast

One day jam broke up with bread and what did she say She said u deserve "butter"

Why was the dog shaped like a baguette? Because it was bread that way.

Females call me Little Ceasar Cause I got crazy bread and low quality meat.

What happened to the Indian bread when it left the country? It became a Naan Residential Indian.

Hear about the fight at the bakery? Bread got fresh and kicked donut in the hole.

Where does the holy bread go after it is consumed? The Garden of Eaten

Honestly, if I had to offer you lot money for every bread joke.. Y'all would have a pun per nickel.

Did you hear about the bread factory burning down? They say the business is toast.

I was soliciting bread for local restaurants, when one owner yelled at me. He told me to quit loafin’ around.

I can't take my dog to the park because the ducks try to bite him. I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.

I made bread last night, and I have been loafing around ever since.

Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery... Matthew: "Can I get three loaves of bread please?"

Baker: "What type do you want sir?"

Matthew: "All rye, all rye, all rye."

They say you can't reverse a chemical reaction But the more bread I eat, the doughier I become.

What does the sign outside a pathology lab say? “For you it’s stool and urine, but it’s bread and butter for us.”

I don't understand why a sandwich is more expensive the more ingredients there are. Shouldn't pure bread be more expensive?

Why does the french hate bread ? because it's pain to them.

Did you hear about the French man who fell off his roof onto a pile of bread? He survived, but was in a lot of pain.

(Le pain means bread in French)

What do you call a loaf of bread with 1500 horsepower? A Baguetti

What do you call a piece of bread that never gives you up? A Rick Roll.

The inventor of sliced bread Is likely the one that cut the cheese.

An Indian bakery was handing out bread to help relieve people affected by corona I’m pretty sure they were naan profit

I can't take my dog to the pond for exercise because the ducks keep attacking him That's what you get for buying a pure bread dog

I just asked my wife to put a nurses outfit on She said why? Are you feeling horny?

I said no, we need bread and milk

There was no bread at the grocery store, so I bought a couple bags of bread crumbs and now have a weekend project.

OC

I got the last two loaves of bread at the store. This old lady was behind me and she saw. She looked weak and feeble so I reached into her trolly and took her milk and tissue.

If Black Panther made Jewish bread for Thor's party would it be T'Challa's Valhalla gala challah?

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said it was bread in captivity.

My doctor advised me against eating very burnt bread I’m black toast intolerant

How do you know a man is a programmer? Send him shopping and tell him: "Get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs get 10."
If he comes back with 10 loaves of bread, he's a programmer.

What does sentient bread use to remember things? Toast-It Notes.

I was forced to make bread in exchange for information It was knead to know

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Long Bread Jokes

There's a little-known legend about Attila the Hun...

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.


But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet.


Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins.


Attila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet.


But the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed.


Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, "Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me."


Curious, Attila did as he asked.


Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila.


"Now hold these in both hands," he instructed.


Attila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole.


To an amazed Attila, the old man simply said,


"Thy anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, Hun."

Man wakes up in a slum with no memory of how he got there.

He wanders around aimlessly before he finds even one person who will talk to him. Some ratty beggar on the street turns out to be nice enough to explain where he is.

"You're in the afterlife!" he tells the man, "But you must have been a real shithead when you were alive, because this is the fourth ring, and only the worst people come here."

All of a sudden, a siren goes off, one of those air-raid things. The man is terrified but the beggar gets up calmly and leads him to a big, dilapidated warehouse where thousands of other similarly unkempt souls are gathering. When the man asks why they're all here, the beggar points to a line of folding tables against the wall. Each table has some moldy bread, cups of dingy water, and some bowls of broth so thin they could have just run out of cups. Only then does the man realize how hungry he is. A guard in heavy body armor blows a whistle and all the people arrange themselves into three lines.

The beggar is helpful enough to explain them for the man. "That one's the bread line, that's the broth line, and that's the water line. All the food here is free, but if you want to get out of this maggot hole, you've got to work, because the gate guards into the third ring ask five hundred dollars to get through. I've heard the food is better there."

So the man gets his food. It's abominable, and right then and there, he vows to make five hundred dollars and get into the third ring. Unfortunately for him, very few people need work in the afterlife, especially when all of them are saving up to emigrate. Even still, after ten years of hard work, eating the moldy bread and indistinguishable soup and water, he finally saves up enough money. The guards let him through and he finds himself in the third ring. It's nothing too fancy, if anything, it's a bit below average for a real city, but to his eyes it is paradise. All the guards look much friendlier, and the houses and buildings, while not spacious or lavish, are at least up to code. And to his surprise, he runs right into a familiar former beggar as he crosses the street.

"What are the odds?" they both ask and they get to conversing. The beggar, it turns out, only managed to make it in himself a few months back. Their conversation is interrupted, however, by what sounds like a school bell. When the man seems confused, the beggar leads him to what looks like a giant gymnasium. Here, people are gathering once again, and the man begins to understand. On a line of folding tables against one wall are stacks of hot dogs, big bowls of salad, and solo cups full of fresh lemonade. A cop shouts for everyone's attention and directs them all to stand in three lines. The beggar smiles at the man's wonder and points to each line in turn. "That's the hot dog line, that's the salad line, and that's the lemonade line." The man gets in each line in turn and gets himself his lunch.

While he's eating, basking in joy at not being stuck with old bread and water, the beggar encourages him, "The best part is, halfway through the year, they switch from hot dogs, salad, and lemonade to chicken, chili, and hot chocolate. You can never get tired of it!"

Sadly, this proved not to be true. After only a few days, the man did again get tired of the same meal every day. But he knew firsthand that he could change his lot, so one day he went up to the wall of the second circle. This time the guards were asking for ten thousand dollars. Well, the man didn't like it, but he figured he had his whole afterlife ahead of him now that he was out of the fourth circle, and he could certainly take some time to save up. After ten years of hard work, it wasn't too difficult for him to keep up the work ethic, and only twenty years later, he went back to the guards of the second ring with the money in hand. He went through the gate and found himself in a glittering, clean city full of glass and steel.

And wouldn't you know it, but there, standing across the street was the same beggar, only now he was wearing a well-fitted suit. The man greeted the beggar as an old friend and they started talking again. Once again, their conversation was interrupted, only this time it was by beautiful church bells. "Come," the beggar told him, "I'll take you to the evening meal." So the man followed and they entered a glamorous ballroom filled with beautiful attendees. Even the cops here looked good, dressed in suits and sunglasses like bodyguards. And sure enough, piled onto platters on huge mahogany tables against the far wall were plates of steak, bowls of the most delicious seafood soups, and glasses of champagne. One of the bodyguards cleared his throat loudly and politely requested that the attendees line up. Three lines were formed and the beggar pointed each line out in turn. "That's the steak line, that's the soup line, and that's the champagne line," and then he added, "and apparently here, they change the meals FOUR times a year!"

The man rejoiced, ate, and was happy, and for once felt that nothing was lacking. Four changes a year was enough for him. But one day, out of curiosity, he went up to the bodyguards that guarded the gate into the first and final ring of the afterlife and found they were asking for a million dollars to pass. Well the man was a bit disturbed by this, after all, the second ring seemed perfect to him. "What is it," he thought, "that could possibly be more wonderful than what I have here?" That question haunted him for weeks until he came to a conclusion. He was used to working hard and he had all of eternity to save up, so he wanted, just once to see what he could possibly be missing in the first ring.

Fifty years later, he returned to the guards with a million dollars. When he stepped into the first ring he fell to his knees. The architecture was glorious and inhuman, and the bodyguard had turned into shining angels. To his surprise, someone helped him up off the street and when he looked, he realized he recognized who it was--it was the beggar he met in the fourth ring, adorned in a golden robe and glowing, and when he looked down at himself he realized he looked much the same.

The beggar laughed jovially. "I got here only three years ago myself, but somehow I knew you would be right here behind me. I've come back to this gate every day waiting for you to make it in!" Suddenly, the air was filled with the sound of angelic choirs and the beggar led the man off to a gigantic palace made of crystal and cloud. The room was filled with radiant citizens of the first circle and angels prepared everything. Sure enough, there was a line of massive altars against one wall, spilling over with glistening golden dragon meat, a pudding refined from clouds and dew and silk, and an ice cold tub of ambrosia and nectar ladled out individually into blindingly beautiful crystalline chalices. An angel fluttered from the ceiling and bowed silently to the assembled mass, who bowed respectfully back and then broke themselves into their lines on their own.

Smiling at the tradition, the beggar pointed to the first line. "That's the line for the dragon meat," he said before turning to the next line, "and that's the line for angeldust stew," then he paused, confused.

"What is it?" the man asked his old friend.

The beggar replied, "There appears to be no punchline."

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put all the veggies she wants on it, I start to wrap up her sandwich when she says, "can I get some mayo?"

...

I look at her, she's looking at me, I pick up the mayo, I'm waiting for her to be like haha jk.

Nothing.

Me: "You know mayonnaise has eggs in it right?"

THIS. GIRL. JUST. STOOD. THERE. SILENT.

She stood there for a second.

V: "N-no it doesn't, I get mayo every time, are you sure?"

Me: "Yes ma'am, mayo has egg whites in it."

I felt so horrible, she stood there with such a distraught and defeated face, I had shattered this poor girl's world.

I had a couple people waiting so I had to get this lady out of here.

Me: "Would you like the mayo on it ma'am?"

V: "Sure, go ahead."

She sounded so done, so defeated,

So I gave her her mayo, wrapped her sandwich up and charged her for her sandwich, she was silent the whole time. She took her sandwich and started walking out.

Me: "Thank you for coming, have a nice day!"

She just looked at me, sighed, "yea, I'll try" and walked out.

And that's the story of how I taught a vegan that mayonnaise is, in fact, not vegan.

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, was provided with an excellent view, just as he had thought he would get.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves. As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."

Henry Heimlich, the creator of the Heimlich maneuver, was getting frustrated.

Everywhere he went, people pretended they were choking to see what he would do. One day, he visited England. During a banquet with the royal family, the Queen grabbed her throat and bent over. Heimlich ignored her, and she confessed that she was faking. Later, he passed a prince on the street, and the prince made a similar gesture, but again Heimlich ignored him.

This continued with a duke, a Duchess, and an Earl. Every time, Heimlich continued on without giving them another thought.

Late in the evening, Heimlich saw a poor farmer who was holding his throat. He rushed over to him and performed his famous life-saving maneuver. A piece of bread flew from the farmer’s mouth, and he begin gasping for breath.

All of the people were amazed. A small boy walked up to him and said, “Mr. Heimlich, you ignored the queen when she pretended to be choking. You also ignored the prince, the duke, the Duchess, and the Earl. How did you know that the farmer actually needed your help?” Henry Heimlich looked down at him and smiled. “The real choke is always in the commons,” he said.

A man wakes up in a slum with no idea how he got there.

Man wakes up in a slum with no memory of how he got there.

He wanders around aimlessly before he finds even one person who will talk to him. Some ratty beggar on the street turns out to be nice enough to explain where he is.

"You're in the afterlife!" he tells the man, "But you must have been a real shithead when you were alive, because this is the fourth ring, and only the worst people come here."

All of a sudden, a siren goes off, one of those air-raid things. The man is terrified but the beggar gets up calmly and leads him to a big, dilapidated warehouse where thousands of other similarly unkempt souls are gathering. When the man asks why they're all here, the beggar points to a line of folding tables against the wall. Each table has some moldy bread, cups of dingy water, and some bowls of broth so thin they could have just run out of cups. Only then does the man realize how hungry he is. A guard in heavy body armor blows a whistle and all the people arrange themselves into three lines.

The beggar is helpful enough to explain them for the man. "That one's the bread line, that's the broth line, and that's the water line. All the food here is free, but if you want to get out of this maggot hole, you've got to work, because the gate guards into the third ring ask five hundred dollars to get through. I've heard the food is better there."

So the man gets his food. It's abominable, and right then and there, he vows to make five hundred dollars and get into the third ring. Unfortunately for him, very few people need work in the afterlife, especially when all of them are saving up to emigrate. Even still, after ten years of hard work, eating the moldy bread and indistinguishable soup and water, he finally saves up enough money. The guards let him through and he finds himself in the third ring. It's nothing too fancy, if anything, it's a bit below average for a real city, but to his eyes it is paradise. All the guards look much friendlier, and the houses and buildings, while not spacious or lavish, are at least up to code. And to his surprise, he runs right into a familiar former beggar as he crosses the street.

"What are the odds?" they both ask and they get to conversing. The beggar, it turns out, only managed to make it in himself a few months back. Their conversation is interrupted, however, by what sounds like a school bell. When the man seems confused, the beggar leads him to what looks like a giant gymnasium. Here, people are gathering once again, and the man begins to understand. On a line of folding tables against one wall are stacks of hot dogs, big bowls of salad, and solo cups full of fresh lemonade. A cop shouts for everyone's attention and directs them all to stand in three lines. The beggar smiles at the man's wonder and points to each line in turn. "That's the hot dog line, that's the salad line, and that's the lemonade line." The man gets in each line in turn and gets himself his lunch.

While he's eating, basking in joy at not being stuck with old bread and water, the beggar encourages him, "The best part is, halfway through the year, they switch from hot dogs, salad, and lemonade to chicken, chili, and hot chocolate. You can never get tired of it!"

Sadly, this proved not to be true. After only a few days, the man did again get tired of the same meal every day. But he knew firsthand that he could change his lot, so one day he went up to the wall of the second circle. This time the guards were asking for ten thousand dollars. Well, the man didn't like it, but he figured he had his whole afterlife ahead of him now that he was out of the fourth circle, and he could certainly take some time to save up. After ten years of hard work, it wasn't too difficult for him to keep up the work ethic, and only twenty years later, he went back to the guards of the second ring with the money in hand. He went through the gate and found himself in a glittering, clean city full of glass and steel.

And wouldn't you know it, but there, standing across the street was the same beggar, only now he was wearing a well-fitted suit. The man greeted the beggar as an old friend and they started talking again. Once again, their conversation was interrupted, only this time it was by beautiful church bells. "Come," the beggar told him, "I'll take you to the evening meal." So the man followed and they entered a glamorous ballroom filled with beautiful attendees. Even the cops here looked good, dressed in suits and sunglasses like bodyguards. And sure enough, piled onto platters on huge mahogany tables against the far wall were plates of steak, bowls of the most delicious seafood soups, and glasses of champagne. One of the bodyguards cleared his throat loudly and politely requested that the attendees line up. Three lines were formed and the beggar pointed each line out in turn. "That's the steak line, that's the soup line, and that's the champagne line," and then he added, "and apparently here, they change the meals FOUR times a year!"

The man rejoiced, ate, and was happy, and for once felt that nothing was lacking. Four changes a year was enough for him. But one day, out of curiosity, he went up to the bodyguards that guarded the gate into the first and final ring of the afterlife and found they were asking for a million dollars to pass. Well the man was a bit disturbed by this, after all, the second ring seemed perfect to him. "What is it," he thought, "that could possibly be more wonderful than what I have here?" That question haunted him for weeks until he came to a conclusion. He was used to working hard and he had all of eternity to save up, so he wanted, just once to see what he could possibly be missing in the first ring.

Fifty years later, he returned to the guards with a million dollars. When he stepped into the first ring he fell to his knees. The architecture was glorious and inhuman, and the bodyguard had turned into shining angels. To his surprise, someone helped him up off the street and when he looked, he realized he recognized who it was--it was the beggar he met in the fourth ring, adorned in a golden robe and glowing, and when he looked down at himself he realized he looked much the same.

The beggar laughed jovially. "I got here only three years ago myself, but somehow I knew you would be right here behind me. I've come back to this gate every day waiting for you to make it in!" Suddenly, the air was filled with the sound of angelic choirs and the beggar led the man off to a gigantic palace made of crystal and cloud. The room was filled with radiant citizens of the first circle and angels prepared everything. Sure enough, there was a line of massive altars against one wall, spilling over with glistening golden dragon meat, a pudding refined from clouds and dew and silk, and an ice cold tub of ambrosia and nectar ladled out individually into blindingly beautiful crystalline chalices. An angel fluttered from the ceiling and bowed silently to the assembled mass, who bowed respectfully back and then broke themselves into their lines on their own.

Smiling at the tradition, the beggar pointed to the first line. "That's the line for the dragon meat," he said before turning to the next line, "and that's the line for angeldust stew," then he paused, confused.

"What is it?" the man asked his old friend.

The beggar replied, "There appears to be no punchline."

A general store owner hires a young attractive female clerk......

.....who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.


One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.


Noticing the length of her skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.


"I'd like some raisin bread please", the man says politely.


The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he's having company for dinner.


As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices whats going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.


With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.


After many trips shes tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself!


Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her.


Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin too?"


"No," says the old man "....... But its startin' to twitch."

A mother baking in Somalia

One day a mother was baking bread in Somalia, when her son thought it would be awesome to play white. So he threw flour all over him and said "Mommy, look! I'm white".

His mother slapped him instantly and said "Go to your father and show him what you've done."
His father slapped him instantly and said "Go to your grandfather and show him what you've done."
His grandfather slapped him as well and said "Go to your grandmother and show her what you've done."
His grandmother also slapped him.

He then came back to his mother who asked "So, what have you learned today?" and the child responded "I've been white for five minutes and I already hate black people."

Edit: Added a missing word.

A duck walks into a bar...

Duck: Got any bread?

Barman: No mate, this is a bar

Duck: Got any bread ?

Barman: No I've told you, we don't have bread here!

Duck: Got any bread?

Barman: Look, if you ask me that again I'm going to nail your beak to the bar.

Duck: Got any nails?

Barman: No.

Duck: Got any bread?

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant...

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.

As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.

Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little."

The shop assistant

The bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant & at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.

The shop assistant nods & climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.

The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.

As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired & irritated & begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down & glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.

Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little!!!"

A man goes to the dentist with some broken teeth...

The dentist asks the man what happened, to which the man responds saying:

"My wife cooked some chicken and roti (Indian flatbread) but the bread was very hard and stiff."

The dentist replied: "You should have told her the bread was too hard and refused to eat it"

To which the man responds:

"Man, that's exactly what I did!"


(A joke originally told to me by my grandfather in Urdu)

Theological debate

One day, the Pope decided he'd ban all Jews from the Vatican. The Jews understandibly got really angry about this, so the Pope proclaimed that if a Jew could manage to beat him in a theological debate, they could stay.

The Jews chose their wisest rabbi for the religious debate against the Pope. To make it more interesting, the rabbi proposed to make speaking forbidden for the duration of the debate. The Pope accepted. On the big day, the Pope and the rabbi sat down at a table and the followers of both religions gathered around them.

First, the Pope raised three fingers. Then the rabbi raised one finger.

Next, the Pope drew a circle in the air while the rabbi pointed to the ground.

Then, the Pope took out the bread and the wine. The rabbi answered by taking out an apple.

The Pope, amazed, stood up from the table.

'I give up' he said. 'You're too wise for me, rabbi. You and your fellow Jews can stay.'

Later, the cardinals asked the Pope what he talked about with the rabbi.

'First, I raised three fingers to remind him of the Holy Trinity. But he raised one finger to remind me there's only one God in both our religions. After that, I drew a circle in the air to show him God was everywhere around us. But he pointed to the ground to show that God is right here with us. Then I took out the sacramental bread and wine to show him God absolves us from our sins. However, he took out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had an answer to everything, what could I possibly do?!'

At the same time, the Jews asked the same question from the rabbi.

'First, the Pope showed me we had three days to leave the city. But I made him understand that not even ONE Jew would leave. After that, he showed me around to say he'd cleanse the whole city from Jews. But I pointed to the ground, showing him that we'd stay right here.'

'And then?' asked the Jews.

The rabbi shrugged.

'I don't know. He took out his lunch, and so did I.'

A man wakes up in a dingy slum,

with no memory of how he got there. He wanders around aimlessly before he finds even one person who will talk to him. Some ratty beggar on the street turns out to be nice enough to explain where he is.

"You're in the afterlife!" he tells the man, "But you must have been a real shithead when you were alive, because this is the fourth ring, and only the worst people come here."

All of a sudden, a siren goes off, one of those air-raid things. The man is terrified but the beggar gets up calmly and leads him to a big, dilapidated warehouse where thousands of other similarly unkempt souls are gathering. When the man asks why they're all here, the beggar points to a line of folding tables against the wall. Each table has some moldy bread, cups of dingy water, and some bowls of broth so thin they could have just run out of cups. Only then does the man realize how hungry he is. A guard in heavy body armor blows a whistle and all the people arrange themselves into three lines.

The beggar is helpful enough to explain them for the man. "That one's the bread line, that's the broth line, and that's the water line. All the food here is free, but if you want to get out of this maggot hole, you've got to work, because the gate guards into the third ring ask five hundred dollars to get through. I've heard the food is better there."

So the man gets his food. It's abominable, and right then and there, he vows to make five hundred dollars and get into the third ring. Unfortunately for him, very few people need work in the afterlife, especially when all of them are saving up to emigrate. Even still, after ten years of hard work, eating the moldy bread and indistinguishable soup and water, he finally saves up enough money. The guards let him through and he finds himself in the third ring. It's nothing too fancy, if anything, it's a bit below average for a real city, but to his eyes it is paradise. All the guards look much friendlier, and the houses and buildings, while not spacious or lavish, are at least up to code. And to his surprise, he runs right into a familiar former beggar as he crosses the street.

"What are the odds?" they both ask and they get to conversing. The beggar, it turns out, only managed to make it in himself a few months back. Their conversation is interrupted, however, by what sounds like a school bell. When the man seems confused, the beggar leads him to what looks like a giant gymnasium. Here, people are gathering once again, and the man begins to understand. On a line of folding tables against one wall are stacks of hot dogs, big bowls of salad, and solo cups full of fresh lemonade. A cop shouts for everyone's attention and directs them all to stand in three lines. The beggar smiles at the man's wonder and points to each line in turn. "That's the hot dog line, that's the salad line, and that's the lemonade line." The man gets in each line in turn and gets himself his lunch.

While he's eating, basking in joy at not being stuck with old bread and water, the beggar encourages him, "The best part is, halfway through the year, they switch from hot dogs, salad, and lemonade to chicken, chili, and hot chocolate. You can never get tired of it!"

Sadly, this proved not to be true. After only a few days, the man did again get tired of the same meal every day. But he knew firsthand that he could change his lot, so one day he went up to the wall of the second circle. This time the guards were asking for ten thousand dollars. Well, the man didn't like it, but he figured he had his whole afterlife ahead of him now that he was out of the fourth circle, and he could certainly take some time to save up. After ten years of hard work, it wasn't too difficult for him to keep up the work ethic, and only twenty years later, he went back to the guards of the second ring with the money in hand. He went through the gate and found himself in a glittering, clean city full of glass and steel.

And wouldn't you know it, but there, standing across the street was the same beggar, only now he was wearing a well-fitted suit. The man greeted the beggar as an old friend and they started talking again. Once again, their conversation was interrupted, only this time it was by beautiful church bells. "Come," the beggar told him, "I'll take you to the evening meal." So the man followed and they entered a glamorous ballroom filled with beautiful attendees. Even the cops here looked good, dressed in suits and sunglasses like bodyguards. And sure enough, piled onto platters on huge mahogany tables against the far wall were plates of steak, bowls of the most delicious seafood soups, and glasses of champagne. One of the bodyguards cleared his throat loudly and politely requested that the attendees line up. Three lines were formed and the beggar pointed each line out in turn. "That's the steak line, that's the soup line, and that's the champagne line," and then he added, "and apparently here, they change the meals FOUR times a year!"

The man rejoiced, ate, and was happy, and for once felt that nothing was lacking. Four changes a year was enough for him. But one day, out of curiosity, he went up to the bodyguards that guarded the gate into the first and final ring of the afterlife and found they were asking for a million dollars to pass. Well the man was a bit disturbed by this, after all, the second ring seemed perfect to him. "What is it," he thought, "that could possibly be more wonderful than what I have here?" That question haunted him for weeks until he came to a conclusion. He was used to working hard and he had all of eternity to save up, so he wanted, just once to see what he could possibly be missing in the first ring.

Fifty years later, he returned to the guards with a million dollars. When he stepped into the first ring he fell to his knees. The architecture was glorious and inhuman, and the bodyguard had turned into shining angels. To his surprise, someone helped him up off the street and when he looked, he realized he recognized who it was--it was the beggar he met in the fourth ring, adorned in a golden robe and glowing, and when he looked down at himself he realized he looked much the same.

The beggar laughed jovially. "I got here only three years ago myself, but somehow I knew you would be right here behind me. I've come back to this gate every day waiting for you to make it in!" Suddenly, the air was filled with the sound of angelic choirs and the beggar led the man off to a gigantic palace made of crystal and cloud. The room was filled with radiant citizens of the first circle and angels prepared everything. Sure enough, there was a line of massive altars against one wall, spilling over with glistening golden dragon meat, a pudding refined from clouds and dew and silk, and an ice cold tub of ambrosia and nectar ladled out individually into blindingly beautiful crystalline chalices. An angel fluttered from the ceiling and bowed silently to the assembled mass, who bowed respectfully back and then broke themselves into their lines on their own.

Smiling at the tradition, the beggar pointed to the first line. "That's the line for the dragon meat," he said before turning to the next line, "and that's the line for angeldust stew," then he paused, confused.

"What is it?" the man asked his old friend.

The beggar replied, "There appears to be no punchline."

A guy walks into a sandwich shop

A guy walks into a sandwich shop in Paris.
The guy working there looks at him funny for a minute, and then asks "Hey, weren't you in my company in the Marines?"
"I thought you looked familiar too! Yes, I was indeed. Great seeing you after all these years" he replies.
So they chit chatted for a bit. After a couple of minutes the guy asks "wait, what are you doing in Paris?"
So the sandwich guy tells him his story.
"Whoa! Never knew you were a half-frenchie!" The guy then starts talking in a ridiculous French accent: "oh oh! I am ze baguette! Le victory is mine" ho ho". The sandwich guy, getting tired of this, stops him and asks "well what do you want in your sandwich?"
"I eat ze thirty centimeter wiz ze bread zet iz yellow"
"That's the flat bread"
"Oui, le flat bread"
"I want ze sauce zat iz white and a creamy!"
"Mayonnaise..?"
"Oui! Le mayonnaise!"
The guy keeps taking like a retarded French person, when they get to the veggies:
"I eat ze little black circles"
"The olives?"
"Oui, olives in ze yellow sub, marine"

Upskirt Shop Assistant

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.

The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, was provided with an excellent view, just as he had thought he would get.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves. As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."

There’s a little-known legend about Attila the Hun.

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.


But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet.
Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins.


Attila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet.


But the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed.


Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, “Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me.”


Curious, Attila did as he asked.
Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila.


“Now hold these in both hands,” he instructed.
Attila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole.


To an amazed Attila, the old man simply said, “Thy anaconda don’t want nun unless you’ve got buns, Hun.”

You must be single.

A woman was walking to the checkout at the supermarket when she passed a drunk man leaning against a newspaper rack. Obviously being someone she didn't want to engage in conversation, she walks past him and starts unloading the contents of her cart onto the conveyor belt.

1 head of lettuce

A bag of flour

4 oranges

A loaf of bread

A pack of toilet paper

A flat of water

And two pounds of ground beef.

The woman is about to check out when she notices the drunk man has been watching her the entire time, he yells out with such conviction:

"You must be single!"

The woman was indeed single and knew she shouldn't engage this drunk man, but she looked at what she had bought and nothing jumped out at her that should broadcast her relationship status. She responds:

"You're right! I am single. But how on earth could you tell?"

Slurring his words, the man replies:

"Cuz' yer ugly."

The milkman and the baker

There once was a milkman in a village. He was very shy but always very honest. He was always very meticulous about giving a person the exact amount of milk they wanted.

So you could imagine the milkman's surprise when he found a court summons waiting for him at his house.

He was very nervous as he had never brushed up against the law before. So, when the court day came, he put on his best suit, brushed his hair, and went on his way.

When he stepped into the court, he saw the baker in the plaintiff's bench. The milkman went into the defendant's bench and waited for the judge to speak.

"Baker, what is your complaint?" asked the judge.

"Well, here's the situation. Everyday I order a pound of milk. But, whenever *I* go to weigh it, it's always less than a pound. I want to be compensated for all of the money that was stolen from me by that filthy milkman!"

The judge turned to the milkman and asked, "Well, how do you plead?"

"Not guilty, your honor."

"Is it possible that your scale you use to weigh is not correct?" asked the judge.

"Well, your honor, I am not the richest man so I can't afford the most expensive scale. But I am positive that what I use is satisfactory."

The judge thought for a moment and then asked, "Is it possible that the stones you use as the counterbalance on the scale are slightly off?"

"I don't use stones." The milkman said plainly.

"So, what *do* you use?" The judge asked, exasperated.

"I use the pound of bread I get from the baker as the counterbalance."

A bakery owner hires a young, attractive female clerk ...

...who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and spots the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.
The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
Another young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided an excellent view, too.
Once she descends the ladder, he muses that he really should get two loaves because he is having company for dinner. As the shapely clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.
With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread just to see the clerk climb up and down.
After many trips, she is tired, irritated, and thinking she is going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below.
She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you, too?
"No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quiverin'."

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