Doctor Jokes

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Funniest Doctor Jokes

A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh." The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign."

Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"

Score: 19025

Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

Score: 17223

Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen.

Score: 16182
Funny Doctor Jokes
Score: 13282

Doctor: Sir, i'm afraid your DNA is backwards Me: And ?

Score: 11903

Doctor: Well, it looks like you're pregnant. Woman: Oh my God, I'm pregnant?!

Doctor: No, it just looks like you are.

FP Edit: RIP my inbox

Score: 11196

After a long debate with my Wife, I decied that we won't Vaccine our kids We think the doctor would do a way better job than us

Score: 10755

I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, "Don't eat anything fatty." I said, "What - no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?"

He said, "No fatty, just don't eat anything."

Score: 10025

A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it." The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."

Score: 9806

The doctor said my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again. I can’t tell you how upset I am.


Edit: Thank you for the gold, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

Score: 9266

A woman in labor suddenly shouted out “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” “Don’t worry”, the doctor said, “Those are just the contractions”

Score: 8524

Doctor: We're going to have to remove your colon Me Why?

Score: 7182

A doctor says "The good news is it's all in your head." "The bad news is it's brain cancer."

Score: 6419

Doctor: You might have a phobia of marriage. Do you think you have the symptoms? Man: Can’t say I do.

Doctor: Yes. That’s the main one.

Score: 6186

I'm AMERICAN and I BLEED red, white and blue! I really should see a doctor about it, but I can't afford the copay.

Score: 6175

I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today." "Which doctor?", she replied.

"No, the regular kind."

Score: 3972

Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor! >!Everybody!<

Score: 3209

Dad: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking sons disease I have ever seen.

Score: 3160

How did the doctor cure the invisible man? He took him to the ICU

Score: 3016

So a guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of less. The bartender asks, "What's less?" The guy says "I don't know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it."

Score: 2913

The doctor gave me 4 months to live. So I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.

Score: 2783

My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex... But my girlfriend keeps insisting it says dyslexia

Score: 2540

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..." "Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

Score: 2480

9 out of 10 doctors reccommend for children to drink water instead of soda that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan

Score: 2463

Doctor: Don't eat anything fatty. Me: Can I eat sugar instead?

Doctor: No fatty, don't eat anything.

Score: 2340

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.

Score: 2242

Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea" Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"

Score: 2200

Me: Doctor, I'm afraid of the vertical Axis Doctor: Why?

Me: \*Screams\*

Score: 2191

After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear. Who was that?

Score: 2075

A man goes to do the doctor for a physical. He tells the not to be alarmed but he has 5 penises. The doctor says, “5 penises!? How do you pants fit?”

The man replies “Like a glove.”

Score: 2058

Went to the doctors the other day and said ‘ I’m having loads of trouble hearing people when they speak’ Doctor said ‘ right ok. Can you describe the symptoms?’
I said ‘yeah Marge has blue hair and homer is a fat bloke’

Score: 610

The doctor asked me how I'd feel about having an extra chromosome. I told him I'd be 100% down with that.

Score: 438

I told my doctor that I recently broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

Score: 411

I went in for my physical, and my doctor suggested, "don't eat anything fatty" I asked, "like bacon and burgers?"

He said, "no, fatty, don't eat anything!"

Score: 266

I went to see my doctor, and he told me I was overweight. I said, "I want a second opinion."

He said, "Alright. You're ugly."

-Rodney Dangerfield

Score: 163

An old man is walking in the hospital... An old man is walking in the hospital and talks to himself:
-aquarius?... no, no no... was it gemini?... naaah...
young doctor cant stand it anymore and walks to him:
-cancer grandpa, you got cancer!

Score: 119

A russian, visiting the US, went for an eye check up A Russian, visiting the US, went for an eye check up.

The doctor shows the letters on the board:
CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this?

Russian: Read?? I even know the guy ... he's my cousin!

Score: 117

My girlfriend and I tried playing doctor... She stayed over the weekend and I sent her a bill for $180,000.

Score: 104

I swallowed some food coloring once I went to the doctor and he said I was fine, but I felt like I had dyed a little inside.

Score: 95

Told my friend I was going to start watching Doctor Who... ...He said it was about time.

Score: 84

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New Doctor Jokes

Why didn't the Tenth Doctor like potty training as a kid? [spoiler I guess?] He didn't want to go.

Score: 6

My dad was getting a prostate exam. He asked the doctor, "Where should I put my pants during the exam?" "Just toss them in the corner" replied the doctor, "Right next to mine."

Score: 6

Did you hear about the Doctor who kept yelling at his clients? He lost his patients.

Score: 24

A woman who was in labor started randomly shouting, "Can't! Don't! Shouldn't! Wouldn't!" The doctor said...."Don't worry...those are just contractions!"

Score: 16

Doctor said if I don’t stop drinking , I’ll go into shock and die of a seizure Ooooh I’m shaking

Score: 7

A patient and a doctor are in a room Patient: I think I have a brain tumor

Doctor: I'm sure it's all in your head

Score: 10

I went to the doctor the other day and he said to me, “don’t eat anything fatty” I said “what, like bacon or sausages?” He said “no fatty, just don’t eat anything”

Score: 6

Which makes a better Doctor? A cat or a dog? of course its Cats! Dog's can't even run an MRI. But Cat's can!

Score: 6

Doctor: I had to remove your colon Me Why?

Score: 74

Why did the Indian man go to the doctor? He was Sikh.

Score: 6

My doctor says it's common to get an erection during a prostate exam I never do, but he does.

Score: 41

A woman was in labor and shouted out "Can't! Wouldn't! Don't! Shouldn't!" The doctor said, "don't worry, it's just contractions."

Score: 17

A woman went to the doctor's with a bit of lettuce sticking out from her underwear... Doctor looks at it and says "that looks odd", woman says "Oh, it's just the tip of the iceberg"

Score: 6

Don’t let your eye doctor give you cocaine The first line will be big. But then they just get smaller and smaller.

Score: 10

This morning, my doctor told me I was colorblind. It came completely out of the orange

Score: 42

During my prostate exam, the doctor told me it was completely normal to get an erection. When I pointed out I didn't have one he said he wasn't talking about me.

Score: 66

My doctor has just diagnosed me as having low blood pressure. He’s given me a prescription for two Ikea self-assembly wardrobes.

Score: 9

Why can’t one doctor spontaneously become two doctors? Because that would be a paradox.

Score: 35

Patient: ‘Doctor doctor! I only have 59 seconds to live!’ Doctor: Hang on a minute

Score: 9

I did really well in my prostate exam. The doctor gave me two thumbs up.

Score: 7

The weirdest part about my colonoscopy was the doctor telling me that I’d feel a bit of pressure, but both of his hands were on my shoulders.

Score: 12

My doctor told me that I had Hepatitis B When I told my Asian dad, he said, "Why you no get Hepatitis A?"

Score: 5

Really was going to study medicine to become a doctor. I just didn’t have the patients.

Score: 5

I called the hospital and pleaded, "Doctor! She's going into labor and her contractions are coming really fast! What should I do!?" "Is this her first child?" he asked. "No, this is her husband!"

Score: 17

My doctor got sick so I grabbed his medical bag, but he refused to let me treat him He did not like the taste of his own medicine

Score: 23

A grandmother goes to the doctor A grandmother goes to the doctor and asks: "Where is the heart?"
The doctor answers: "2 centimetres below the nipples"
Next day in the newspaper: "Woman tries to commit suicide and shoots herself in the knee"

Score: 66

My doctor told me yesterday that I'm at high risk for either Alzheimer's or Dementia... I can't remember which.

Score: 9

I've been feeling really stressed lately, so my doctor advised me that before going to bed, I should drink two glasses of red wine, after a hot bath, but to be honest, it's not really helping at all... ...I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.

Score: 33

I could not be a children's doctor. I would lose my patients.

Score: 14

I ate some food coloring last week.. I went to the doctor, turns out everything is fine, but I still feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

Score: 5

What do my barber and the doctor who did my circumcision have in common? They both took too much off the top

Score: 6

I got a prostate exam yesterday and that went pretty smoothly. The doctor had both hands on my shoulders though, so I was a bit confused.

Score: 36

How do you know when a prostate exam's gone horribly wrong? When you feel both of the doctor's hands on your shoulders.

Score: 10

The Asian man got bad news from his eye doctor The doctor told him he had a cataract.
The Asian man replied, "No I dwive a Wincoln!"

Score: 7

Did you hear about the doctor who became a cop? He made sure everyone got their shots.

Score: 8

What did the doctor say to the patient with a bladder infection? Urine Trouble

Score: 49

Went to my eye doctor the other day... Guess who I bumped into? Everyone!

Score: 5

An Indian woman jumps up mid flight and shouts 'is there a doctor on the plane?' A nice, serious guy approaches quickly and says 'i'm a doctor, what's the problem?'

She replies 'Would you like to meet my daughter?'

Score: 68

Why cant an eye doctor count to 3? They never make it past 1, or 2. 1, or 2?

Score: 28

A recent study has shown patient mortality rates increase with the age of the doctor Next week I have a surgical consultation with a particularly clever-looking newborn.

Score: 7

Wife: Can my husband come in with me? Wife: Can my husband come in with me?


Doctor: Don't worry I'm a respected doctor.


Wife: But my husband isn't, and he's staying out there alone with your secretary.

Score: 22

A fat woman is talking to her doctor... Woman: The problem is obesity runs in my family.

Doctor: No the problem is that no one runs in your family.

Score: 5

Doctor, you have to help me! I see dead people... Doctor: For the last time, you work in a morgue!

Score: 10

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring the other day. The doctor said I was fine but I feel like I've dyed a little on the inside.

Score: 27

There was once a doctor who tried to prove that mainly blood was kept in bones, But alas it twas in vein.

Score: 20

What do you call a Med School student who graduates with all C's? A Doctor.

Score: 5

Yesterday my doctor told me, "if you don´t stop drinking, you´ll die." I asked him why. "Because thats my beer."

Score: 15

My doctor told me that I have syphillis, gonnorhea and chlamydia. On the positive side... HIV.

Score: 13

An Asian man goes to the eye doctor The eye doctor says, "Sir, you have a cataract".

And the Asian man says, "No, I have a Rincoln Contirental".

Score: 14

My eyes have been bugging me recently, so I went to the doctor. He told me I have ocular herpes. Apparently I've been looking for love in all the wrong places.

Score: 8

What do you call a doctor who is ready at a moment's notice? An oncallogist.

Score: 10

My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell today! Technically he said, 'Less McDonalds' but I'm pretty sure I knew what he meant.

Score: 38

At last, I finally got around to watching the new episode of "Doctor Who" ... ... it was about time.

Score: 9

I went to the doctor because my eye hurt every time i drank tea. He told me to take the spoon out.

Score: 9

Why did the doctor go to hospital on Easter? Because he was Sikh

Score: 6

My doctor told me I have type-a blood. Apparently it was a type-o!

Score: 11

I finally agreed to play doctor with my girlfriend... now she's suing me for performing a hysterectomy.

Score: 7

A man walks into a dentist's office and says "Doctor, you have to help me! I think I'm a moth!" The dentist says, "I think you want the psychiatrist down the hall."

And the man replies, "Yeah, but your light was on."

Score: 54

Alonzo visits Doctor Pedro... Alonzo visits Doctor Pedro.

Alonzo: "Doctor, doctor, I see blue elephants everywhere."

Pedro: "Have you seen a psychologist yet?"

Alonzo: "No, just blue elephants."

Score: 15

What do you call a medical student who graduates last in his class? Doctor

Score: 42

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