Doctor Jokes


Funniest Doctor Jokes

A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh." The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign."

Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"

Score: 19025

Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

Score: 17223

Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen.

Score: 16182
Funny Doctor Jokes
Score: 13282

Doctor: Sir, i'm afraid your DNA is backwards Me: And ?

Score: 11903

Doctor: Well, it looks like you're pregnant. Woman: Oh my God, I'm pregnant?!

Doctor: No, it just looks like you are.

FP Edit: RIP my inbox

Score: 11196

After a long debate with my Wife, I decied that we won't Vaccine our kids We think the doctor would do a way better job than us

Score: 10755

I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, "Don't eat anything fatty." I said, "What - no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?"

He said, "No fatty, just don't eat anything."

Score: 10025

A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it." The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."

Score: 9806

The doctor said my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again. I can’t tell you how upset I am.

Edit: Thank you for the gold, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

Score: 9266

A woman in labor suddenly shouted out “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” “Don’t worry”, the doctor said, “Those are just the contractions”

Score: 8524

Doctor: We're going to have to remove your colon Me Why?

Score: 7182

A doctor says "The good news is it's all in your head." "The bad news is it's brain cancer."

Score: 6419

Doctor: You might have a phobia of marriage. Do you think you have the symptoms? Man: Can’t say I do.

Doctor: Yes. That’s the main one.

Score: 6186

I'm AMERICAN and I BLEED red, white and blue! I really should see a doctor about it, but I can't afford the copay.

Score: 6175

I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today." "Which doctor?", she replied.

"No, the regular kind."

Score: 3972

Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor! >!Everybody!<

Score: 3209

Dad: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking sons disease I have ever seen.

Score: 3160

How did the doctor cure the invisible man? He took him to the ICU

Score: 3016

So a guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of less. The bartender asks, "What's less?" The guy says "I don't know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it."

Score: 2913

The doctor gave me 4 months to live. So I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.

Score: 2783

My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex... But my girlfriend keeps insisting it says dyslexia

Score: 2540

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..." "Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

Score: 2480

9 out of 10 doctors reccommend for children to drink water instead of soda that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan

Score: 2463

Doctor: Don't eat anything fatty. Me: Can I eat sugar instead?

Doctor: No fatty, don't eat anything.

Score: 2340

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.

Score: 2242

Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea" Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"

Score: 2200

Me: Doctor, I'm afraid of the vertical Axis Doctor: Why?

Me: \*Screams\*

Score: 2191

After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear. Who was that?

Score: 2075

A man goes to do the doctor for a physical. He tells the not to be alarmed but he has 5 penises. The doctor says, “5 penises!? How do you pants fit?”

The man replies “Like a glove.”

Score: 2058

I asked my doctor where to put my pants during my prostate exam. "Over there next to mine" was not the answer I expected.

Score: 1009

Before the prostate exam, I asked the doctor where should I put my pants. "Here, next to mine" wasn't the answer i was expecting.

Score: 471

The widow ask the doctor "Why did my husband die?" Doctor responds: "Heavy drug use, ma'am"

Widow: "But doctor, my husband didn't use drugs!"

Doctor: "I know, but I did"

Score: 186

A women in labor suddenly starts shouting, “SHOULDN’T, WOULDN’T, COULDN’T, CAN’T” “Don’t worry,” said the doctor.
“Those are just contractions”

Score: 168

My son called me saying he's in the hospital "Mom, please don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital."

"Son, you're a doctor and you've been doing this joke for the past 5 years."

Score: 165

The Doctor made me walk again... Because I had to sell my car in order to pay the hospital bill

Score: 125

An old man is walking in the hospital... An old man is walking in the hospital and talks to himself:
-aquarius?... no, no no... was it gemini?... naaah...
young doctor cant stand it anymore and walks to him:
-cancer grandpa, you got cancer!

Score: 119

When I was getting a prostate exam, I asked the doctor where I should put my pants.. "Over there, beside mine" was not the answer I was expecting.

Score: 119

A russian, visiting the US, went for an eye check up A Russian, visiting the US, went for an eye check up.

The doctor shows the letters on the board:

Doctor: Can you read this?

Russian: Read?? I even know the guy ... he's my cousin!

Score: 117

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!" The concerned father-to-be asked, "Doctor, what's going on?"


The doctor said, "Don't worry, those are just contractions."


Score: 110

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New Doctor Jokes

My dad was getting a prostate exam. He asked the doctor, "Where should I put my pants during the exam?" "Just toss them in the corner" replied the doctor, "Right next to mine."

Score: 6

A Russian goes to the eye doctor The doctor points to a chart on the wall:


The doctor asks “Can you read those letters one by one for me please?”

The Russian replies “_Read_ them? I even know the guy.”

Score: 35

A man applies to be a superhero as a part of the X-Men When asked what his super power is, the man replies "Hindsight".

The doctor says "That won't be of any use to us".

The man replies, "Yes, I see that now".

Score: 76

The worse thing during prostate exam is when you get an erection... And they realize... "Hang on, you are not a real doctor!"

Score: 12

A woman who was in labor started randomly shouting, "Can't! Don't! Shouldn't! Wouldn't!" The doctor said...."Don't worry...those are just contractions!"

Score: 16

Doctor said if I don’t stop drinking , I’ll go into shock and die of a seizure Ooooh I’m shaking

Score: 7

What do you call an eye doctor living on an Alaskan island An optical Aleutian

Score: 13

A patient and a doctor are in a room Patient: I think I have a brain tumor

Doctor: I'm sure it's all in your head

Score: 10

Went to my doctor with a wrinkley shirt..... He said I have an Iron deficiency

Score: 7

I went to the doctor the other day and he said to me, “don’t eat anything fatty” I said “what, like bacon or sausages?” He said “no fatty, just don’t eat anything”

Score: 6

Which makes a better Doctor? A cat or a dog? of course its Cats! Dog's can't even run an MRI. But Cat's can!

Score: 6

Doctor: I had to remove your colon Me Why?

Score: 74

A woman was in labor and shouted out "Can't! Wouldn't! Don't! Shouldn't!" The doctor said, "don't worry, it's just contractions."

Score: 17

A woman went to the doctor's with a bit of lettuce sticking out from her underwear... Doctor looks at it and says "that looks odd", woman says "Oh, it's just the tip of the iceberg"

Score: 6

Don’t let your eye doctor give you cocaine The first line will be big. But then they just get smaller and smaller.

Score: 10

When I was getting my prostate exam I asked the doctor were I should put my pants.. "Over there beside mine." Was not the answer I was expecting

Score: 102

Why did the doctor suspect Dracula may have a breathing problem? Because of his coffin.

Score: 15

My wife was in labor with our daughter My wife was in labor with our daughter, everything was going well until she started shouting
"Shouldn't! Couldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't! Can't!".
"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"
"Nothing, she is just having contractions."

Score: 70

Patient: ‘Doctor doctor! I only have 59 seconds to live!’ Doctor: Hang on a minute

Score: 9

I'm a guy who's into Star Wars, Star Trek and Doctor Who. Can you guess what I'm not into right now? A woman.

Score: 13

I did really well in my prostate exam. The doctor gave me two thumbs up.

Score: 7

The weirdest part about my colonoscopy was the doctor telling me that I’d feel a bit of pressure, but both of his hands were on my shoulders.

Score: 12

My doctor got sick so I grabbed his medical bag, but he refused to let me treat him He did not like the taste of his own medicine

Score: 23

I was shocked when the doctor said i had HIV in my ears. Turns out i just need hearing aids.

Score: 14

The doctor brings the newborn baby to the father and says “sorry but your wife didn’t make it” The new dad replies “well then bring me the one she made then!”

Score: 6

My doctor told me yesterday that I'm at high risk for either Alzheimer's or Dementia... I can't remember which.

Score: 9

I could not be a children's doctor. I would lose my patients.

Score: 14

guy: Doctor help me, my wifi is in labor doc: Don't panic, is this her first child ?

guy: No, this is her husband you moron!

Score: 6

A kid goes to a doctor. The doctor asks:

"So what's your zodiac sign?"

The kid responds:


The doctor:

"Oh,what a coincidence!"

Score: 11

I got a prostate exam yesterday and that went pretty smoothly. The doctor had both hands on my shoulders though, so I was a bit confused.

Score: 36

The Asian man got bad news from his eye doctor The doctor told him he had a cataract.
The Asian man replied, "No I dwive a Wincoln!"

Score: 7

An Indian woman jumps up mid flight and shouts 'is there a doctor on the plane?' A nice, serious guy approaches quickly and says 'i'm a doctor, what's the problem?'

She replies 'Would you like to meet my daughter?'

Score: 68

My doctor told me to start avoiding trans fats So I stopped going on tumblr

Score: 33

A doctor ordered a cadaver... ...for his med students to dissect. When it arrived, the doctor noticed it was missing an organ.

I guess you could say his package was de-livered. ^I'm^sorry

Score: 14

A recent study has shown patient mortality rates increase with the age of the doctor Next week I have a surgical consultation with a particularly clever-looking newborn.

Score: 7

Patient: What's the diagnosis, doctor? Doctor: What's your zodiac sign?
Patient: Cancer.
Doctor: What a coincidence!

Score: 6

Stoner goes to the doctor A stoner goes to the doctor complaining he sees cats playing soccer every night when he falls asleep. The doctor recommends he stays up for a night. Stoner says ok but he can't miss the final tonight.

Score: 6

Vasectomy misunderstanding She told me I mis heard the doctor, Apparently it doesn't stop your wife getting pregnant, just affects the colour of the baby.

Score: 10

Why did Steve Jobs die too soon? Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

Score: 19

My doctor told me I'm Bi-Polar I wasn't sure to laugh or cry.

Score: 16

A man goes for his first prostate exam "I am sorry doctor, but where can I leave my pants?"

"Right there where I left mine" - the doctor says

Score: 31

I told my doctor I was addicted to Twitter He said "I don't follow you"

Score: 13

If I have HIV I hope I find out from a Doctor, like Charlie Sheen did And not from the TV, like his ex girlfriends did.

Score: 18

I used to get sharp pains in my eye when I drank coffee... My doctor said, take the spoon out of the mug

Score: 42

So a lady was waiting at the doctor's... The doctor is obsessed with the stars, and is a junior astrologist, so, naturally, he asks the woman what her Zodiac symbol is. She responds; "Cancer, why?". "What a coincidence..." Said the Doctor.

Score: 6

What do you call a doctor who is ready at a moment's notice? An oncallogist.

Score: 10

My doctor said I should stop thinking so much, it's bad for my health and could damage my liver He also say's I'm half deaf

Score: 6

There was a business man that used to travel a lot But every time he went to the airport, he got sick right away.
When he visited his doctor, the doc said "Its nothing serious. You're just terminally ill".

Score: 17

My Zombie Friend was getting fat. So his doctor put him on a diet. It was a no-brainer.

Score: 5

Lady is about to have a baby and she's yelling "can't can't can't!.. ...Shouldn't couldn't can't!" the husband is like "no honey you CAN you're strong!" the doctor leans in and says "don't worry about that. She's just having contractions.

Score: 10

At last, I finally got around to watching the new episode of "Doctor Who" ... ... it was about time.

Score: 9

My doctor informed me today that I'm color blind. "Well," I said... ..."THAT certainly came out of the green!"

Score: 11

I went to the doctor because my eye hurt every time i drank tea. He told me to take the spoon out.

Score: 9

Why did the doctor go to hospital on Easter? Because he was Sikh

Score: 6

A doctor calls a patient with his test results... Doctor: I have bad news and worse news.

Patient: What's the bad news, Doc?

Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.

Patient: That's terrible? What's worse news?

Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday.

Score: 106

A guy calls up his wife's doctor... and asks "Is there any way you can tighten things up down there, cuz she's getting a little loose?"

The doctor says "Have you ever thought of using the other hole?"

The guy says "Are you crazy? I could get her pregnant!"

Score: 30

I finally agreed to play doctor with my girlfriend... now she's suing me for performing a hysterectomy.

Score: 7

A man walks into an asylum wearing cellophane, a doctor tells him, "I can clearly see your nuts."

Score: 7

My doctor prescribed me some anti-gloating cream... Now all I want to do is rub it in.

Score: 25

My Dad told me this one today An Asian man goes to the eye doctor,
The doctor tells him "You have a cataract",
The man says "No, I drive a Rincoln."

My dad told this one to me today and just thought it was hilarious

Score: 19

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