Doctor Jokes

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Funniest Doctor Jokes

A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh." The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign."

Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"

Score: 19025

Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

Score: 17223

My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before. I replied, "Yes just once."

The doctor asked, "What was it like?"

I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."

Score: 13309
Funny Doctor Jokes
Score: 13282

After a long debate with my Wife, I decied that we won't Vaccine our kids We think the doctor would do a way better job than us

Score: 10755

I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, "Don't eat anything fatty." I said, "What - no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?"

He said, "No fatty, just don't eat anything."

Score: 10025

Yesterday my doctor told me my chronic diarrhea is inherited. Runs in the family.

Score: 9929

A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it." The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."

Score: 9806

I asked my doctor when we could anticipate an end to the coronavirus epidemic He said “I don’t know. I’m not really into politics.”

Score: 9593

The doctor said my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again. I can’t tell you how upset I am.


Edit: Thank you for the gold, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

Score: 9266

A woman in labor suddenly shouted out “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” “Don’t worry”, the doctor said, “Those are just the contractions”

Score: 8524

What kind of doctor is Dr. pepper? It’s a fizzician!




I’ll see myself out

Score: 7753

I go to the doctor and he asks for a stool sample. I pull out a small chair from my bag. The doctor yells at me for wasting his time and kicks me out of his office. I go home still not knowing why I'm shitting furniture. My nightmare continues.

Score: 7698

A doctor says "The good news is it's all in your head." "The bad news is it's brain cancer."

Score: 6419

I'm AMERICAN and I BLEED red, white and blue! I really should see a doctor about it, but I can't afford the copay.

Score: 6175

I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today." "Which doctor?", she replied.

"No, the regular kind."

Score: 3972

Yesterday, the doctor told me I was colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

Score: 3113

How did the doctor cure the invisible man? He took him to the ICU

Score: 3016

According to my doctor it should be ok for me to ignore social distancing on Saturdays and Sundays. He said I have a weekend immune system.

Score: 2957

So a guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of less. The bartender asks, "What's less?" The guy says "I don't know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it."

Score: 2913

During my prostate exam, my doctor told me it’s perfectly normal to become aroused and even ejaculate. That being said, I still wish he hadn’t.

Score: 2846

The doctor gave me 4 months to live. So I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.

Score: 2783

My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex... But my girlfriend keeps insisting it says dyslexia

Score: 2540

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..." "Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

Score: 2480

9 out of 10 doctors reccommend for children to drink water instead of soda that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan

Score: 2463

Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea" Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"

Score: 2200

After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear. Who was that?

Score: 2075

A man goes to do the doctor for a physical. He tells the not to be alarmed but he has 5 penises. The doctor says, “5 penises!? How do you pants fit?”

The man replies “Like a glove.”

Score: 2058

A dad is given bad news by a doctor Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards.

Dad: AND?

Score: 2010

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..." "Peter, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

Score: 1961

My doctor recommended to eat at BurgerKing more often Well he said I should not have McDonalds anymore, but I know what he meant.

Score: 1937

I went to the doctor and he said "don't eat anything fatty." I asked " no bacon? No burgers?!"

To which he replied "No fatty, just don't eat anything! "

Score: 1836

For health reasons, my doctor says I should avoid trans fats I'm gonna miss tumblr

Score: 1773

My wife told me to go to the doctor and get those pills that "help" with an erection... You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills.

Score: 1747

I had my leg x-rayed today. The doctor told me "your patella measures 2.54 cm"
By surprise I said "Inch high knees?"
The doctor replied "披萨卷2.54披萨卷"

Score: 1729

A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks. “I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”

Score: 1716

My doctor said if I get 1000 upvotes he will perform free LASIK surgery!! Upvote for visibility.

Score: 1714

How about an Indian joke? A nice Indian woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts "Is there a doctor here?"


A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?"


She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"

Score: 1507

The Doctor asks the patient: "Does your head hurt?" Patient: "Yes it does, doctor."

Doctor: "Good, now are we vaccinating your child, or do I have to slap you again?"

Score: 1505

My doctor wrote me a prescription for "dailysex"... But the wife had to break it to me that it was actually for "dyslexia".

Score: 1439

Doctor doctor, I think I have a problem with my testicles Is one of them meant to be bigger than the others.

Score: 1404

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New Doctor Jokes

A Man Goes To His Doctor Doctor: “ Pick a star sign. Any star sign”
Man: “Alright, i choose Capricorn”
Doctor: “Nah you got Cancer”

Score: 35

My doctor diagnosed me with Onomatopoeia.... It’s exactly what it sounds like.

Score: 48

What kind of doctor is Dr.Pepper? A fizzician

Score: 59

A man goes to a doctor for his phobia of getting married. The doctor asks, "Do you know about any of the symptoms?

The man replies, "Can't say I do."

Score: 69

A doctor walks up to his patient. "Looks like you have a phobia of getting married. Do you know any of the symptoms?" "I can't say I do."

Score: 27

"YOU'LL SEE! THEY'LL ALL SEE!" \- said by a very passionate eye doctor as they throw eye glasses into a crowd.

​

(credit goes to my mom)

Score: 101

Just went to the doctor and found out I'm colour blind Genuinely can't believe it, this has come completely out of the green

Score: 55

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring The doctor says I’m ok, but I feel like I dyed a little inside

Score: 61

A man goes to the doctor A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've been stung by a bee! Can you put some ointment on it?"

The doctor says, "Sure, but I think the bee flew away already."

(Courtesy of my 10 year old)

Score: 28

Got the best compliment from my doctor today He said I had athlete's foot. I've only been training for 3 days so didn't think anyone would notice

Score: 215

So the Doctor hands me the Baby and tells me my wife didn't make it. So I politely return the Baby and ask for the one my wife made.

Score: 149

The Doctor was a time lord, unchallenged in all the lands. David Tennant, an amazing doctor, with only one archnemesis. The enemy's name? David Lanndlord

Score: 32

I went to a doctor complaining of hearing problems The doctor said “okay describe the symptoms” so I replied “no problem mate Homer’s ͏͏͏fat and Marge has blue hair”


Edit: words

Score: 51

My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex But my girlfriend insists it's for dyslexia.

Score: 32

Teacher: Why are you late? Student: My dad is in the hospital

*1 week later*

Teacher: Is your dad still in the hospital?

Student: Yes, he is a doctor

Score: 293

My doctor told me I only had a year to live So I killed him and the judge gave me 40 years

Score: 41

Today my doctor told me I was colorblind. The results came completely out of the purple...

Score: 304

A man wakes up in a hospital bed and yells “Doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replies “I know, I amputated your arms.”

Score: 88

What kind of Doctor is Dr Pepper? He’s a fizzician

Score: 137

A man asks the doctor: -"Have you got the results of my tests? I'm dying of curiosity!" And the doctor replies: -"It's not just curiosity..."

Score: 91

A Russian, went to USA for an eye check up. The Doctor shows the letters on the board: CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this ?

Russian: Read ??? I even know this guy, he’s my cousin.

Score: 38

I went to the doctor for hearing problems. He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"

Score: 116

I called the doctor “My wife is going into labour, what should I do?” “Is this her first child?” he asked.

“No, this is her husband.”

Score: 40

A woman goes to the doctor after a sudden weight gain... The doctor looks over her test results, then looks at the woman and says "well, it looks like you're pregnant."

"Wow, I'm pregnant?" The woman asked.

"No, it just looks like you are" The doctor replied.

Score: 52

I went to the doctor recently. He said : "Don't eat anything fatty."

I said : "What, like bacon and burgers?"

He said : "No fatty, don't eat anything."

Score: 86

A doctor flirted with me today. She said that I am too sweet. Her exact words were "severely diabetic", but I know what she meant.

Score: 460

If you feel the Bern you should vote for Bernie Sanders That way you can get a doctor to take a look at it

Score: 613

A pregnant elephant goes to the doctor Right away the doctor says "I want to talk about the elephant in the womb"

Score: 28

Me : "Doctor Doctor, I feel like a deck of cards" Doctor : "Sit down, I'll deal with you later"

Score: 28

When the doctor told me that he had fitted a thermostat instead of a pacemaker, I was livid. It made my blood boil.

Score: 49

Bruce Lee was at a doctor's appointment, but an hour passed and the doctor still wasn't there. Bruce did not get up, leave, or complain. Instead he stayed sitting in his seat. He was waiting patient Lee.

Score: 65

A man wakes up in the hospital after a bad car accident. The doctor tell him "Sir, I'm sorry to tell you, you were in a car accident and we had to amputate both of your arms. " The patient sighs and says: "Well doctor, that's a weight off my shoulders"

Score: 34

A man goes to the doctor with a lettuce leaf in his arse Doctor says "no worries we can remove this easily"
Man replies "doc, this is just the tip of the iceberg"

Score: 60

When I was getting my prostate exam, I asked the doctor where I should put my pants. "Over there, next to mine" wasn't the answer I was expecting.

Score: 204

A guy bursts into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but saran wrap underwear. The doctor takes one look at him and says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

Score: 99

A doctor just flirted with me. She also said that i was really sweet. Well her exact words were "severely diabetic" but I know what she meant. I got the hint.

Score: 67

An engineer and a doctor fell in love with the same girl. The doctor gave her a rose on her birthday. What did the engineer give her An Apple cause an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

Score: 34

I went it in for a prostate exam the other day. I asked the doctor where I should put my pants.

"Over there next to mine" was not the response I was expecting.

Score: 48

A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logiciam says, "Yes."

Score: 28

Doctor: are you sexually active? **me:** No I kinda just lie there.

**wife:** THIS- *[takes off doctor costume]* this is why we never role play anymore!

Score: 168

Pirate :"I have moles on me back, arrrrrgh!" The doctor takes a quick look and responds:"It's okay, they're benign."

Pirate:"Arrrrgh! Count again, I think there be ten!"

Score: 104

My doctor asked me how I would feel having an extra chromosome I told him I'd be 100% down with that

Score: 41

If Watson isn't the most famous doctor in the world...... Then Who is.

Score: 95

A Russian goes to the eye doctor The doctor points to a chart on the wall:

N P U K H N R A X B T

The doctor asks “Can you read those letters one by one for me please?”

The Russian replies “_Read_ them? I even know the guy.”

Score: 35

If Watson isn’t the most famous Doctor in the world Then Who is.

Score: 47

What do you call an owl with a PhD? Doctor who

Score: 33

A man applies to be a superhero as a part of the X-Men When asked what his super power is, the man replies "Hindsight".

The doctor says "That won't be of any use to us".

The man replies, "Yes, I see that now".

Score: 76

My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex But my girlfriend insist it says dyslexia

Score: 151

A man goes to the doctor for a check-up. Man: Will I be alright doc?

Doctor: You are in grave danger, Mercury is in Uranus.

Man: I don't buy in to that astrology nonsense!

Doctor: Neither do I. My thermometer broke.

Score: 39

My Doctor told me I was overweight and I should do something daily that gets me slightly out of breath. So I took up smoking.

Score: 27

Man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing Man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but cellophane. The doctor says "I can clearly see your nuts"

Score: 178

I stopped vaccinating my kids because I wasn't comfortable jamming a needle into their arms. Now I get my Doctor to do it.

Score: 31

I went to the doctor with hearing problems He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homer is fat, Lisa is smart and Marge has blue hair"

Score: 306

If you vaccinate your children, you're stupid. Let a doctor do it, hes a professional.

Score: 99

Most people have weird things that turn them on But as a doctor I get my kicks from knee cap reflexes.

Score: 50

Asian man goes to the eye doctor. Doctor says"You have a cateract." Asian man says "No, I have a rincoln continental."

Score: 57

My doctor told me today that I was too sweet. Well, her exact words were, "severely diabetic", but I knew what she meant.

Score: 234

The doctor has given me two months to live. I've chosen August and December, because I like summer but don't want to miss Christmas.

Score: 66

Applying cream I went back to see my doctor today.

I said, "I applied the hemmeroid cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction."

"Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked.

I replied "on the bus."

Score: 33

Two years ago, my doctor told me I would go deaf. I haven't heard from him since.

Score: 55

Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf I haven’t heard from him since.

Score: 355

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