A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh."
The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign."
Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"
Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?
Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.
Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen.
Doctor: Sir, i'm afraid your DNA is backwards Me: And ?
Doctor: Well, it looks like you're pregnant.
Woman: Oh my God, I'm pregnant?!
Doctor: No, it just looks like you are.
FP Edit: RIP my inbox
After a long debate with my Wife, I decied that we won't Vaccine our kids We think the doctor would do a way better job than us
I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, "Don't eat anything fatty."
I said, "What - no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?"
He said, "No fatty, just don't eat anything."
A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it." The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."
The doctor said my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again.
I can’t tell you how upset I am.
Edit: Thank you for the gold, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.
A woman in labor suddenly shouted out “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” “Don’t worry”, the doctor said, “Those are just the contractions”
Doctor: We're going to have to remove your colon Me Why?
A doctor says "The good news is it's all in your head." "The bad news is it's brain cancer."
Doctor: You might have a phobia of marriage. Do you think you have the symptoms?
Man: Can’t say I do.
Doctor: Yes. That’s the main one.
I'm AMERICAN and I BLEED red, white and blue! I really should see a doctor about it, but I can't afford the copay.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?", she replied.
"No, the regular kind."
Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor! >!Everybody!<
Dad: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking sons disease I have ever seen.
How did the doctor cure the invisible man? He took him to the ICU
So a guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of less. The bartender asks, "What's less?" The guy says "I don't know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it."
The doctor gave me 4 months to live. So I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex... But my girlfriend keeps insisting it says dyslexia
"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..." "Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."
9 out of 10 doctors reccommend for children to drink water instead of soda that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan
Doctor: Don't eat anything fatty.
Me: Can I eat sugar instead?
Doctor: No fatty, don't eat anything.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea" Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"
Me: Doctor, I'm afraid of the vertical Axis
After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear. Who was that?
A man goes to do the doctor for a physical. He tells the not to be alarmed but he has 5 penises.
The doctor says, “5 penises!? How do you pants fit?”
The man replies “Like a glove.”
Before the prostate exam, I asked the doctor where should I put my pants. "Here, next to mine" wasn't the answer i was expecting.
My doctor says I need to avoid trans fats I'm really going to miss Tumblr
A women in labor suddenly starts shouting, “SHOULDN’T, WOULDN’T, COULDN’T, CAN’T”
“Don’t worry,” said the doctor.
“Those are just contractions”
My son called me saying he's in the hospital
"Mom, please don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital."
"Son, you're a doctor and you've been doing this joke for the past 5 years."
I went to see my doctor, and he told me I was overweight.
I said, "I want a second opinion."
He said, "Alright. You're ugly."
A russian, visiting the US, went for an eye check up
A Russian, visiting the US, went for an eye check up.
The doctor shows the letters on the board:
Doctor: Can you read this?
Russian: Read?? I even know the guy ... he's my cousin!
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"
The concerned father-to-be asked, "Doctor, what's going on?"
The doctor said, "Don't worry, those are just contractions."
A doctor calls a patient with his test results...
Doctor: I have bad news and worse news.
Patient: What's the bad news, Doc?
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Patient: That's terrible? What's worse news?
Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday.
When I was getting my prostate exam I asked the doctor were I should put my pants.. "Over there beside mine." Was not the answer I was expecting
A man applies to be a superhero as a part of the X-Men
When asked what his super power is, the man replies "Hindsight".
The doctor says "That won't be of any use to us".
The man replies, "Yes, I see that now".
A blonde lady is going to the doctor
Doctor: Hello miss, what's the issue?
Blonde lady: Oh doc, i swallowed an ice cube
Doctor: Ah okay, anything wrong?
Blonde lady: YES! It didn't come out yet!
My dad was getting a prostate exam. He asked the doctor, "Where should I put my pants during the exam?" "Just toss them in the corner" replied the doctor, "Right next to mine."
A Russian goes to the eye doctor
The doctor points to a chart on the wall:
N P U K H N R A X B T
The doctor asks “Can you read those letters one by one for me please?”
The Russian replies “_Read_ them? I even know the guy.”
The worse thing during prostate exam is when you get an erection... And they realize... "Hang on, you are not a real doctor!"
A woman who was in labor started randomly shouting, "Can't! Don't! Shouldn't! Wouldn't!" The doctor said...."Don't worry...those are just contractions!"
Doctor said if I don’t stop drinking , I’ll go into shock and die of a seizure Ooooh I’m shaking
What do you call an eye doctor living on an Alaskan island An optical Aleutian
A patient and a doctor are in a room
Patient: I think I have a brain tumor
Doctor: I'm sure it's all in your head
Went to my doctor with a wrinkley shirt..... He said I have an Iron deficiency
I went to the doctor the other day and he said to me, “don’t eat anything fatty” I said “what, like bacon or sausages?” He said “no fatty, just don’t eat anything”
Which makes a better Doctor? A cat or a dog? of course its Cats! Dog's can't even run an MRI. But Cat's can!
Doctor: I had to remove your colon Me Why?
A woman was in labor and shouted out "Can't! Wouldn't! Don't! Shouldn't!" The doctor said, "don't worry, it's just contractions."
So today I had to have a prostate exam and I asked the Doctor, "where should I put my pants?"
He said "right there next too mine."
Gotta say I had my doubts.
A woman went to the doctor's with a bit of lettuce sticking out from her underwear... Doctor looks at it and says "that looks odd", woman says "Oh, it's just the tip of the iceberg"
Don’t let your eye doctor give you cocaine The first line will be big. But then they just get smaller and smaller.
Why did the doctor suspect Dracula may have a breathing problem? Because of his coffin.
My wife was in labor with our daughter
My wife was in labor with our daughter, everything was going well until she started shouting
"Shouldn't! Couldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't! Can't!".
"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"
"Nothing, she is just having contractions."
Patient: ‘Doctor doctor! I only have 59 seconds to live!’ Doctor: Hang on a minute
I'm a guy who's into Star Wars, Star Trek and Doctor Who. Can you guess what I'm not into right now? A woman.
I did really well in my prostate exam. The doctor gave me two thumbs up.
The weirdest part about my colonoscopy was the doctor telling me that I’d feel a bit of pressure, but both of his hands were on my shoulders.
Really was going to study medicine to become a doctor. I just didn’t have the patients.
My doctor got sick so I grabbed his medical bag, but he refused to let me treat him He did not like the taste of his own medicine
I was shocked when the doctor said i had HIV in my ears. Turns out i just need hearing aids.
The doctor brings the newborn baby to the father and says “sorry but your wife didn’t make it” The new dad replies “well then bring me the one she made then!”
My doctor told me yesterday that I'm at high risk for either Alzheimer's or Dementia... I can't remember which.
I could not be a children's doctor. I would lose my patients.
guy: Doctor help me, my wifi is in labor
doc: Don't panic, is this her first child ?
guy: No, this is her husband you moron!
I ate some food coloring last week.. I went to the doctor, turns out everything is fine, but I still feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
A kid goes to a doctor.
The doctor asks:
"So what's your zodiac sign?"
The kid responds:
"Oh,what a coincidence!"
I got a prostate exam yesterday and that went pretty smoothly. The doctor had both hands on my shoulders though, so I was a bit confused.
The Asian man got bad news from his eye doctor
The doctor told him he had a cataract.
The Asian man replied, "No I dwive a Wincoln!"
My doctor gave me some cream that was supposed to help me write jokes But it wasn't topical
Went to my eye doctor the other day... Guess who I bumped into? Everyone!
Did you hear about the Eye Doctor who changed professions to become a comedian?
He made a spectacle of himself.
ok its bad. Apologies in advance.
My doctor told me to start avoiding trans fats So I stopped going on tumblr
Wife: Can my husband come in with me?
Wife: Can my husband come in with me?
Doctor: Don't worry I'm a respected doctor.
Wife: But my husband isn't, and he's staying out there alone with your secretary.
My doctor told me to remove trans fats... Who knew removing my tumblr app would get me back to proper health?
A fat woman is talking to her doctor...
Woman: The problem is obesity runs in my family.
Doctor: No the problem is that no one runs in your family.
There was once a doctor who tried to prove that mainly blood was kept in bones, But alas it twas in vein.
What do you call a Med School student who graduates with all C's? A Doctor.
My doctor told me I'm Bi-Polar I wasn't sure to laugh or cry.
My doctor told me that I have syphillis, gonnorhea and chlamydia. On the positive side... HIV.
So a lady was waiting at the doctor's... The doctor is obsessed with the stars, and is a junior astrologist, so, naturally, he asks the woman what her Zodiac symbol is. She responds; "Cancer, why?". "What a coincidence..." Said the Doctor.
What do you call a doctor who is ready at a moment's notice? An oncallogist.
My doctor said I should stop thinking so much, it's bad for my health and could damage my liver He also say's I'm half deaf
There was a business man that used to travel a lot
But every time he went to the airport, he got sick right away.
When he visited his doctor, the doc said "Its nothing serious. You're just terminally ill".
My Zombie Friend was getting fat. So his doctor put him on a diet. It was a no-brainer.
Lady is about to have a baby and she's yelling "can't can't can't!.. ...Shouldn't couldn't can't!" the husband is like "no honey you CAN you're strong!" the doctor leans in and says "don't worry about that. She's just having contractions.
At last, I finally got around to watching the new episode of "Doctor Who" ... ... it was about time.
My doctor informed me today that I'm color blind. "Well," I said... ..."THAT certainly came out of the green!"
I went to the doctor because my eye hurt every time i drank tea. He told me to take the spoon out.
I realized the reason why i don't have any patience. Because I am not a doctor.
Why did the doctor go to hospital on Easter? Because he was Sikh
A guy calls up his wife's doctor...
and asks "Is there any way you can tighten things up down there, cuz she's getting a little loose?"
The doctor says "Have you ever thought of using the other hole?"
The guy says "Are you crazy? I could get her pregnant!"
I finally agreed to play doctor with my girlfriend... now she's suing me for performing a hysterectomy.
A man walks into an asylum wearing cellophane, a doctor tells him, "I can clearly see your nuts."
My doctor prescribed me some anti-gloating cream... Now all I want to do is rub it in.
My Dad told me this one today
An Asian man goes to the eye doctor,
The doctor tells him "You have a cataract",
The man says "No, I drive a Rincoln."
My dad told this one to me today and just thought it was hilarious