Doctor Jokes

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Funniest Doctor Jokes

A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh." The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign."

Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"

Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before. I replied, "Yes just once."

The doctor asked, "What was it like?"

I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."

Funny Doctor Jokes

After a long debate with my Wife, I decied that we won't Vaccine our kids We think the doctor would do a way better job than us

I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, "Don't eat anything fatty." I said, "What - no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?"

He said, "No fatty, just don't eat anything."

Yesterday my doctor told me my chronic diarrhea is inherited. Runs in the family.

A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it." The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."

I asked my doctor when we could anticipate an end to the coronavirus epidemic He said “I don’t know. I’m not really into politics.”

The doctor said my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again. I can’t tell you how upset I am.


Edit: Thank you for the gold, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

A woman in labor suddenly shouted out “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” “Don’t worry”, the doctor said, “Those are just the contractions”

What kind of doctor is Dr. pepper? It’s a fizzician!




I’ll see myself out

I go to the doctor and he asks for a stool sample. I pull out a small chair from my bag. The doctor yells at me for wasting his time and kicks me out of his office. I go home still not knowing why I'm shitting furniture. My nightmare continues.

A doctor says "The good news is it's all in your head." "The bad news is it's brain cancer."

I'm AMERICAN and I BLEED red, white and blue! I really should see a doctor about it, but I can't afford the copay.

I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today." "Which doctor?", she replied.

"No, the regular kind."

How did the doctor cure the invisible man? He took him to the ICU

According to my doctor it should be ok for me to ignore social distancing on Saturdays and Sundays. He said I have a weekend immune system.

So a guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of less. The bartender asks, "What's less?" The guy says "I don't know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it."

During my prostate exam, my doctor told me it’s perfectly normal to become aroused and even ejaculate. That being said, I still wish he hadn’t.

The doctor gave me 4 months to live. So I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.

My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex... But my girlfriend keeps insisting it says dyslexia

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..." "Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

9 out of 10 doctors reccommend for children to drink water instead of soda that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan

Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea" Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"

After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear. Who was that?

A man goes to do the doctor for a physical. He tells the not to be alarmed but he has 5 penises. The doctor says, “5 penises!? How do you pants fit?”

The man replies “Like a glove.”

A dad is given bad news by a doctor Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards.

Dad: AND?

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..." "Peter, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

My doctor recommended to eat at BurgerKing more often Well he said I should not have McDonalds anymore, but I know what he meant.

I went to the doctor and he said "don't eat anything fatty." I asked " no bacon? No burgers?!"

To which he replied "No fatty, just don't eat anything! "

For health reasons, my doctor says I should avoid trans fats I'm gonna miss tumblr

My wife told me to go to the doctor and get those pills that "help" with an erection... You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills.

I had my leg x-rayed today. The doctor told me "your patella measures 2.54 cm"
By surprise I said "Inch high knees?"
The doctor replied "披萨卷2.54披萨卷"

A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks. “I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”

My doctor said if I get 1000 upvotes he will perform free LASIK surgery!! Upvote for visibility.

How about an Indian joke? A nice Indian woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts "Is there a doctor here?"


A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?"


She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"

The Doctor asks the patient: "Does your head hurt?" Patient: "Yes it does, doctor."

Doctor: "Good, now are we vaccinating your child, or do I have to slap you again?"

My doctor wrote me a prescription for "dailysex"... But the wife had to break it to me that it was actually for "dyslexia".

Doctor doctor, I think I have a problem with my testicles Is one of them meant to be bigger than the others.

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New Doctor Jokes

Got the best compliment from my doctor today He said I had athlete's foot. I've only been training for 3 days so didn't think anyone would notice

So the Doctor hands me the Baby and tells me my wife didn't make it. So I politely return the Baby and ask for the one my wife made.

Teacher: Why are you late? Student: My dad is in the hospital

*1 week later*

Teacher: Is your dad still in the hospital?

Student: Yes, he is a doctor

Today my doctor told me I was colorblind. The results came completely out of the purple...

What kind of Doctor is Dr Pepper? He’s a fizzician

I went to the doctor for hearing problems. He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"

A doctor flirted with me today. She said that I am too sweet. Her exact words were "severely diabetic", but I know what she meant.

If you feel the Bern you should vote for Bernie Sanders That way you can get a doctor to take a look at it

When I was getting my prostate exam, I asked the doctor where I should put my pants. "Over there, next to mine" wasn't the answer I was expecting.

Doctor: are you sexually active? **me:** No I kinda just lie there.

**wife:** THIS- *[takes off doctor costume]* this is why we never role play anymore!

My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex But my girlfriend insist it says dyslexia

Man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing Man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but cellophane. The doctor says "I can clearly see your nuts"

I went to the doctor with hearing problems He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homer is fat, Lisa is smart and Marge has blue hair"

My doctor told me today that I was too sweet. Well, her exact words were, "severely diabetic", but I knew what she meant.

Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf I haven’t heard from him since.

My doctor told me to start killing people Well, his exact words were "you need to start eliminating the stress in your life".

Whatever, same thing.

I was recently surprised to hear from the doctor that i was colour blind! It was so sudden! It came right out of the purple!

After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear. “Who was that?”

I have these weird muscle spasms in my gluteus maximus, I figured out from my doctor that everything was alright:


They said "Weird flex, butt okay."

Went to the doctors the other day and said ‘ I’m having loads of trouble hearing people when they speak’ Doctor said ‘ right ok. Can you describe the symptoms?’
I said ‘yeah Marge has blue hair and homer is a fat bloke’

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?”

The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.”

Two years ago my doctor told me I'm going deaf I haven't heard back from him since

My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at childbirth before.... I replied, "Yes just once."

The doctor asked, "What was it like?"

I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."

Doctor : Does it hurt? Mother : Yes, a lot.

Doctor : So are we vaccinating the baby, or should I slap you again?

Went to see my doctor about a blocked ear He asked me to describe the symptoms.
I said “homer is a fat bloke and marge has blue hair”

I went to get a prostate exam and the doctor told me I need to stop masterbating... I asked why?

He said, "because I'm trying to examine you."

My doctor told me to stay away from trans fats. Guess I can’t go on tumblr anymore.

My wife has just been diagnosed with breast cancer... Doctor told us that mastectomy will be necessary.

Today, I went online to see if there is any alternative...

Emma, 28 years old, NY. Looks cute...

Hands shaking, voice trembling, I faintly rasped, "Mom, I'm in the hospital, but don't worry, I'm fine." After a silence that seemed to go on forever, she replied, "You have to stop this. You've been a doctor for 3 years now."

With a grim look on his face, my doctor told me I had onomatopoeia. Breaking in to a cold sweat, I gasped, “What’s that?!” He whispered, “It’s exactly what it sounds like.”

Doctor [looking at my x-rays] : this is exactly what I was afraid of. Me: What?

Doctor: Skeletons

A man is rushed to the hospital and is given blood. When the man gets worse, a nurse goes running to the doctor, saying "We gave him the wrong blood!"

The doctor responds "Ah, must've been a Type-O!"

A man wakes up in the hospital after a serious accident He shouts "Doctor, Doctor I can't feel my legs!"

The Doctor replies, "I know, we amputated your arms."

A man speaks frantically on phone with a doctor... "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

A man speaks frantically into the phone A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

A man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a problem, I have 5 penises." The doctor says "Wow, how do your pants fit?"

**"Like a glove."**

I just had a physical. The doctor said: “Don’t eat anything fatty.” I said, “Like bacon and burgers?”

He said, “No fatty, don’t eat anything!”

I had a prostate exam the other day... When I entered the examination room and asked the doctor where I should put my trousers, I have to say, "over there with mine" was not the answer I was expecting.

A guy says, ... A guy says, "Help me, doctor, I can't stop singing What's new Pussycat?"

The doctor says, "Oh no, you may have Tom Jones disease."

Guy says, "I've never heard of that. Is it rare?"

The doctor says, "It's not unusual."

I went to the doctor with hearing problems.. He said "can you describe the symptoms?"

I said "Aye, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair!"

Popular Topics

Long Doctor Jokes

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.

Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."

Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."

Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."

Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."

Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"

Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!

Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..

Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..

Chinese doctor opens his new clinic.

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.

Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."

Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."

Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."

Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."

Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"

Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.


“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”


When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.


“Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor says.


“Did you follow my instructions?”


The blonde nods…


“I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."


“From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor.


“No, from skipping,” replied the blonde.

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”

“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.

The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”

“No problem,” replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.

He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly…

WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!

Something whips by him going much faster!

“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.

He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!

Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.

WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!

He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!

The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”

In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child.

The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.

Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with my wife!"

The doctor remains calm: "The answer lies in the genetics. Some genetics have recessive traits, which are not apparent to the parents but may be passed on to the child. For example, last week one of your sheep gave birth to a black sheep."

The chieftain pauses for a thinking, then replies: "I tell you what. You say no word about black sheep and I say no word about white child."

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He was asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try out for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.

Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.

Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.

Me: No way. Whats the good news?

Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful.

Me: What are you trying to say?

Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.

A man takes his wife to get tested

Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.

The doctor tells him, “Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer’

The man, clearly frustrated, asks, “Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?”

The doctor calmly suggests, “I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don’t let her in.”

Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven,

where Saint Peter gives him a nice, modern six-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court. Pleased with his lot, Bill quickly settles into the afterlife.

One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine tailored suit.

"That's really nice," says Bill. "Where did you get it?"

"Actually," says the man, "I was given 50 of these, plus two mansions, a yacht, a golf course and four Rolls-Royces."

"Wow, were you a pope or a doctor healing the terminally ill?" asks Bill.

"No, I was the captain of the Titanic."

Bill storms off to see Saint Peter. "How come the captain of a sunken ship gets all that while I, the inventor of the Windows Operating System gets a crummy little house?" he asks.

Saint Peter replies, "The Titanic only crashed once."

Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor

Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor,
so I took the entrance exam to go to medical
school.

One of the many questions on human anatomy
asked was to rearrange the letters “PNEIS" into
the name of "an important human body part which
is most useful when erect."

Those who answered "spine" are now doctors

The rest of us are posting jokes on social media.

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO…

It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”

“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.

The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”

“No problem,” replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.

He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly…

WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!

Something whips by him going much faster!

“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.

He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!

Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.

WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!

He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!

The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”

A man goes to a doctor

A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on." The doctor asked.

"That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee."

The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 bucks, just lend me 10 bucks!!"

"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.

"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.

The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 bucks. Lend me 5 bucks please if you can."

I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.

"I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I’d say your leg appears to be broke in three places."

A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor’s office

A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me”.

“The brunette took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed,then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.

She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.

Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, “You’re not really a brunette, are you?”

“Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”

“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken”.

A pregnant woman is hit by a car....

She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!"

The doctor replies, "Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital."

She says,"My brother? That guy is a moron! Why would you do that?"

"I am sorry ma'am, we had no choice. There was nobody else. He even took the liberty of naming them."

"What??", she says. "What did he name my daughter?"

"He named her 'Denise' " says the doctor.

"Oh, well that's not so bad. What did he name my son?"

To which the doctor replies, "He named him 'Denephew' "

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."

The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.

Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"

A Maori Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital , so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside:

'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
A guy walking past sees the sign and thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100, so he goes into the clinic.

Guy: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Guy: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Doc; "Chur, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."

The annoyed guy goes back after a few days to recover his money.

Guy: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."

Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."

Guy (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."

Doc; "Chuuur. You got your memory back. Give me $20."

The fuming guy pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Guy: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."

Doc; "oh well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."

Guy (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"

Doc; "Chuuuur, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sperm sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, the with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbour?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

Two black guys are up all night doing cocaine...

When all the coke is gone, one of the guys can't stop running in circles. He looks to his buddy and says, "Dude I can't stop running, I need to go to the doctor." When they get to the doctor, one of the guy says, "Doc you gotta help us. We were up all night doing cocaine and now my friend can't stop running in circles." "Not to worry gentlemen, I have just the thing for you", the doctor replies.

The doctor reaches into a drawer and retrieves a bag of blue powder. "Run on over here and snort some of this blue powder, it should slow you down." So, the black guy runs over and snorts the powder off the table. His friend realizes that he's no longer running, and has slowed to a jog.

"Doc, it's working! Give him some more and make him walk." Sure enough the doctor lays some more powder onto the table, the black guy snorts it and slows down to a walk.

"Alright Doc give him a big old blast, and make him go to sleep." The doctor lays out a huge pile of this powder, and when the black guy snorts it, he immediately lays down and goes to sleep.

"Doctor you're a miracle worker, but I have to ask what's the blue powder?"

The doctor looks at him and says, "Tide keeps your colors from running."

A pregnant woman lapses into a coma. She awakens and frantically calls for her doctor. "You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're fine," he says. "Your brother named them."

Oh, no, the new mother thinks. He's an idiot. Expecting the worst, she asks, "What's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

Not bad, she thinks. I guess I was wrong about him. "And the boy?"

"DeNephew."

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