A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh."
The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign."
Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"
Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?
Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.
Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen.
Doctor: Sir, i'm afraid your DNA is backwards Me: And ?
Doctor: Well, it looks like you're pregnant.
Woman: Oh my God, I'm pregnant?!
Doctor: No, it just looks like you are.
FP Edit: RIP my inbox
After a long debate with my Wife, I decied that we won't Vaccine our kids We think the doctor would do a way better job than us
I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, "Don't eat anything fatty."
I said, "What - no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?"
He said, "No fatty, just don't eat anything."
A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it." The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."
The doctor said my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again.
I can’t tell you how upset I am.
Edit: Thank you for the gold, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.
A woman in labor suddenly shouted out “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” “Don’t worry”, the doctor said, “Those are just the contractions”
Doctor: We're going to have to remove your colon Me Why?
A doctor says "The good news is it's all in your head." "The bad news is it's brain cancer."
Doctor: You might have a phobia of marriage. Do you think you have the symptoms?
Man: Can’t say I do.
Doctor: Yes. That’s the main one.
I'm AMERICAN and I BLEED red, white and blue! I really should see a doctor about it, but I can't afford the copay.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?", she replied.
"No, the regular kind."
Guess who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor! >!Everybody!<
Dad: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking sons disease I have ever seen.
How did the doctor cure the invisible man? He took him to the ICU
So a guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of less. The bartender asks, "What's less?" The guy says "I don't know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it."
The doctor gave me 4 months to live. So I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex... But my girlfriend keeps insisting it says dyslexia
"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..." "Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."
9 out of 10 doctors reccommend for children to drink water instead of soda that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan
Doctor: Don't eat anything fatty.
Me: Can I eat sugar instead?
Doctor: No fatty, don't eat anything.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea" Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"
Me: Doctor, I'm afraid of the vertical Axis
After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear. Who was that?
A man goes to do the doctor for a physical. He tells the not to be alarmed but he has 5 penises.
The doctor says, “5 penises!? How do you pants fit?”
The man replies “Like a glove.”
Doctor: I've got good news, and bad news
Patient: What's the good news?
Doctor: They're gonna name a disease after you.
My doctor recommended to eat at BurgerKing more often Well he said I should not have McDonalds anymore, but I know what he meant.
My wife told me to go to the doctor and get those pills that "help" with an erection... You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills.
My girlfriend wanted to try "doctor and patient" roleplay But things went awry from the start when I said: "Hello! I'm your dietitian..."
Doctor doctor, I think I have a problem with my testicles Is one of them meant to be bigger than the others.
You’ll never believe who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor! Everybody.
Buzzfeed employee is diagnosed with stage 2 brain cancer Doctor: Number 4 will blow your mind.
I asked my doctor where to put my pants during my prostate exam. "Over there next to mine" was not the answer I expected.
My doctor said he thought I had the body of a 25 year old. So naturally I had to kill him and bury him next to it.
Doctor: You have cancer and Alzheimer's Patient: Atleast Idont have Cancer
Doctor: I had to remove your colon Me Why?
Went to the doctors the other day and said ‘ I’m having loads of trouble hearing people when they speak’
Doctor said ‘ right ok. Can you describe the symptoms?’
I said ‘yeah Marge has blue hair and homer is a fat bloke’
During my prostate exam, the doctor told me it was completely normal to get an erection. When I pointed out I didn't have one he said he wasn't talking about me.
A grandmother goes to the doctor
A grandmother goes to the doctor and asks: "Where is the heart?"
The doctor answers: "2 centimetres below the nipples"
Next day in the newspaper: "Woman tries to commit suicide and shoots herself in the knee"
I went in for my physical, and my doctor suggested, "don't eat anything fatty"
I asked, "like bacon and burgers?"
He said, "no, fatty, don't eat anything!"
My doctor called me fat.
I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said:
“OK, you’re ugly too.”
My doctor said I have 2 weeks to live... So I shot him. Problem solved, the judge gave me 20 years.
I think I'm shrinking!
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
My doctor asked if I wanted an extra chromosome. I told him I'd be down with that.
Doctor: it looks like you are pregnant madame.
Lady: Wow, I'm pregnant?
Doctor: No, but you look like it.
A guy goes to the doctor.
A guy goes to the doctor.
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
*mugger pulls a knife*
Mugger: gimme your money
Me: well this night took a SHARP turn
Doctor: it's a record for amount of stabs
My doctor just asked me if I knew my sperm count "Didn't realise they were that clever"
Before the prostate exam, I asked the doctor where should I put my pants. "Here, next to mine" wasn't the answer i was expecting.
The doctor gave me 5 month to live.
So in the heat of the moment, I shot him.
And the judge gave me 25 years.
Me as a doctor
Me: So how are you?
Patient: ummmm.. fine
Me: Okay, next patient please.
The doctor asked me how I'd feel about having an extra chromosome. I told him I'd be 100% down with that.
The doctor gave me 6 months to live. So I killed him The Judge gave me 80 years. Problem solved.
A plumber fixes a damaged pipe in a doctor's house and asks for 200 dollars. Doctor says to him: "Even i, don't make so much money in such a short period and i'm a doctor". And the plumber goes: "I know sir. I used to be a doctor myself"
A pirate goes to a doctor
worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them.
"It's ok," he says. "They're benign."
The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"
Yo mama's so fat... when she was diagnosed with a flesh eating disease, the doctor gave her 80 years to live.
I told my doctor that I broke my arms in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
I went to the Doctor and he said that I was paranoid He didn't actually say that but I knew what he was thinking.
I played doctor with my girlfriend She stayed over for the weekend and I sent her a bill for $200,000
Told my friend I was going to start watching Doctor Who... ...He said it was about time.
I just got my new pair of orthopenic shoes.
"Actually, it's *orthopedic*", my doctor said.
"I stand corrected", I replied.
This morning, the doctor told me I was colorblind. It came completely out of the orange.
"Looks like you're pregnant" says the doctor
-"I'm pregnant?" replies the woman cheerfully
-"No, it just looks like you are"
An Indian woman jumps up mid flight and shouts 'is there a doctor on the plane?'
A nice, serious guy approaches quickly and says 'i'm a doctor, what's the problem?'
She replies 'Would you like to meet my daughter?'
A Saudi woman in a doctor's clinic.
Doctor: Mrs Saud there's a good news for you.
Woman: Excuse me, it's Miss Saud not Mrs Saud.
Doctor: Miss Saud there's a bad news for you.
Patient: "Doctor, am I going to die?" Doctor: "That's the last thing you're going to do."
Doctor: Don't eat anything fatty
Me: What!? No pizza? No burgers?
Doctor: No fatty, just don't eat
A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up.
The Doctor shows the letters on the board: CZWXNQSTAZKY
Doctor: Can you read this ?
Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.
What is your zodiac sign?
Doctor: What is your zodiac sign?
Doctor: What a coincidence...
My whole life before age 12 was a blur. That's when I went to the eye doctor. Things cleared up after that.
A man goes to the doctor...
Man: "Doctor, I think I have a problem! I can't stop singing *What's New Pussycat*!
Doctor: "You may have Tom Jones Disease."
Man: "I've never heard of that condition... is it rare?"
Doctor: "It's not unusual."
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring The doctor says I'm okay, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
It's a shame Carrie Fisher was on a United Airlines flight when she had her heart attack. If she was on another airline there might have been a doctor on board.
It was very difficult to switch off my wife's life support system.
You try fighting off 2 nurses, a doctor and my sons.
Edit: changed the quantity of sons.
I swallowed some food coloring once I went to the doctor and he said I was fine, but I felt like I had dyed a little inside.
Doctor: I understand you're experiencing hearing difficulties. Please describe the symptoms.
Patient: Well, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.
^(Posted on behalf of /r/ScottishPeopleTwitter's comment section)
I got hard during circumcision It was a rather inappropriate situation for me as a doctor.
Doctor of death! Impressively, only 2% of the people I operated on died last year. But for some reason the authorities think that’s too high for a dentist.
Doctor: It's looks like you're pregnant
Woman: I'm pregnant??
Doctor: No, it just looks like you are.
Doctor: Ok let's start with the good news Doctor: Your son will always find an available parking slot.
I called the doctor this morning, "I think my back's broken"
"What makes you say that?"
"I've got a hunch."
If I was being subjective, I'd say the greatest science fiction show of all time was Doctor Who, but if I was being objective... I'd say it was Doctor Whom.
I went to see my doctor, and he told me I was overweight.
I said, "I want a second opinion."
He said, "Alright. You're ugly."
A Russian visiting America
A RUSSIAN visiting America, went for an eye check-up.
The doctor shows him the letters on the board: CZWVNQSTAZKY
Doctor: Can you read this?
Russian: Read? I even know the guy. He's my cousin!
My doctor checked my prostate last week It was the worst dentist appointment of my life.
The doctor gave me 6 months to live. So I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.
My doctor told me I need fewer trans fats in my life... Looks like it's time to delete Tumblr.
My doctor says I need to avoid trans fats I'm really going to miss Tumblr
I went to the doctor today for a prostate exam. It wasn't as bad as I was expecting, until I realized both his hands were on my shoulders.
my doctor said for every upvote this gets, i will lose one rib
I only need 24 and then I can finally give myself head
Edit: chill guys extra upvotes are gonna start taking my organs
A Polish man was at the Eye Doctor to test his sight, and looked at a chart with the following letters:
G U O Y L V B J I T D A Z C K
Doctor: Can you read the letters?
Polish Man: Of course i can read it, I know the guy!
TIL that 9/10 Doctors agree , drinking water is good for children
The tenth doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.
EDIT: calm down /u/Andimbacksucker
My doctor's just told me I am suffering from paranoia Well, he didn't actually say that, but I could tell it was what he was thinking
My girlfriend and I tried playing doctor... She stayed over the weekend and I sent her a bill for $180,000.
I told my doctor that I recently broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.