Mechanic Jokes

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Funniest Mechanic Jokes

My grandfather personally killed 30 German aviators during WW2 He was the shittiest mechanic the luftwaffe had.

Funny Mechanic Jokes

What does a mechanic do for a one night stand? He nuts and bolts.

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.

A Paladin takes his car to a mechanic A Paladin takes his car to a mechanic. "Whenever I'm driving, I get these strange urges to run over pedestrians."

The mechanic has a look under the car. "Your alignment is off."

My car started making this whining noise... So I took it to the shop and had the mechanic look over it. Turns out all he had to do was take the Taylor Swift album out.


Sorry if this was a repost, I took a quick browse and didn't see it anywhere.

During World War II, my grandpa single-handedly killed 30 German pilots. He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever recruited.

My grandpa destroyed 38 planes in WW2, killed 58 Germans. Literally the worst mechanic of the Luftwaffe

What do you call a Amish man with his arm up a horses arse A mechanic

My father was an Allied war hero. He single-handedly destroyed 4 Messerschmitts, 9 Heinkel bombers, and 11 Stuka dive bombers. He was the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

Today i watched the news and saw that my nearest mechanic was a drug seller. That's horrible, so many years being a client and only today i realized he could have repaired my car.

How can you tell if a mechanic has gotten laid? He has one clean finger

I took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise. He removed the Mariah Carey Xmas CD, and now it's fine.

Who do you call to fix an atom? A quantum mechanic

What does a mechanic do during a 1 night stand? He screws, nuts, and bolts

How can you tell a mechanic has gotten lucky? He's got one clean finger!

Did you hear about the mechanic who was addicted to brake fluid? He said he could stop at anytime.

My grandfather was responsible for the downing of over 30 enemy aircrafts during WW2 And still to this day, the Luftwaffe considers him the worst mechanic they've ever had.

Piece of Dating Advice Do not date a car mechanic if you're looking for a long term partner. Typically, a mechanic just nuts and bolts.

The local mechanic was arrested for being a drug dealer. I've been his customers for 4 years and I never knew he was a mechanic.

My grandfather was responsible for 49 downed German planes. Still to this day, he holds the record for worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

How can you tell a mechanic got laid? He has one clean finger

My grandfather was a World War 2 Vet In a single day during the Battle of Britain he was responsible for the destruction of 8 German aircraft killing 32 German airmen.


Easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe had ever had.

A penguin talks his snowmobile in to get fixed. The mechanic takes a look at it and says "looks like you blew a seal." penguin replies "no, that's just frosting on my lip."

What does a mechanic do when he has a one night stand? Screws, nuts, and bolts!

This mechanic in my area went to jail for dealing drugs I've been his customer for over 5 years...I had no clue he was a mechanic.

A penguin sent his car to the mechanic before going to the ice cream shop... He ordered vanilla ice cream and gobbles it down before going back to the mechanic.

Mechanic: It looks like you blew a seal.

Penguin: Ah no that’s just ice cream.

What does a mechanic looking for a one night stand do? He nuts and bolts

My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2. Still to this day holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

Did you hear about the mechanic who accidentally punctured the wheels of his car? He retired.

I think my mechanic is an antivaxxer He gave me essential oils for my broken car.

I was recently fired as a mechanic I could not believe it, they called me a thief. Even though it expressly says in the contract that I am allowed to take brakes!

An eskimo visits Wales... An eskimo visits Wales, and as he's driving along the motorway, his car breaks down.

The mechanic turns up and looks under the bonnet.

"You've blown a seal." He says.

The eskimo replies "So what? You bugger sheep."

How do you know a mechanic had a good date? He has two clean fingers.

A penguin takes his car to the shop for maintenance. He goes across the street to a ice cream stand for a vinilla cone. Later he goes back to the shop to check on his car. Mechanic says "looks like you blew a seal". Penguin goes "No, it's just ice cream".

Did you hear about the car mechanic who was in a brief relationship and then left? There was an article in the newspaper.
MECHANIC NUTS AND BOLTS

How do you know when a mechanic has a girlfriend? He has one clean finger.

My great-grandfather in WWII My great grandpa was responsible for the downing of over 25 German aircraft during the war.


He was the worst mechanic in the whole Luftwaffe.

How can you tell if a mechanic has just gotten freaky with a woman? He’s got one clean finger.

I had a really small problem with my car so I took it to a quantum mechanic

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New Mechanic Jokes

— Did you know my grandfather downed 23 airplanes during WWII? — Really?! Wow!

— Yeah! He was the worst mechanic the RAF ever had!

While driving home I saw my mechanic on the side of the road crying like a little baby. I don’t know exactly what happened but he must have had a serious breakdown

I took my car to the mechanic because it was making noises He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD and now it’s fine

A mechanic bought a bed. he slept under it.

I've been jacking it all day and boy are my arms tired. Being a car mechanic sure is rough.

I wanted to tell a mechanic joke But it's too screwed up

My grandpa was a WW2 veteran. He destroyed four planes and killed twelve men in one day. He was the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe had.

Things used to be simple, there was a time when you were named after your occupation If you were a smith your name was smith, if you were a baker your name was baker, and if you were a mechanic your name was Joe... or Jose

What do you call a guy elbow deep in a horse? An Amish mechanic

How do you tell the difference between a mechanic and an electrician? The electrician washes his hands AFTER he goes to the toilet.

I took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD and now it's fine

What did the overworked car mechanic say... Give me a brake.

During World War II, my grandpa single-handedly killed 30 German pilots He was the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever hired.

I had some trouble with my car. I took it to the garage. The mechanic said “You have a flat battery”. ... I said “Oh. What shape should it be?”

I took My car to a blind mechanic He didn't see anything wrong with so I was good to go

My grandfather killed 43 German pilots during World War 2. Honestly though it’s on them for making an alcoholic a Luftwaffe mechanic

A car mechanic went bankrupt in less than a month His repair shop was on the second floor.

My grandfather was responsible for 35 downed german planes in Ww2 still to this date holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

My grandad was responsible for 28 German planes going down. Still to this day holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

A car mechanic bought a bed He slept under it

Why did the car crash? Because the lazy mechanic took a brake

Dad: at you’re age i had already killed 10 people in iraq. Son: but dad, you were a car mechanic in iraq, you’ve never gone to a battle.
Dad: i never said i was a good mechanic.

My grandfather personally killed 30 German aviators during World War II He was the worst mechanic the luftwaffe had.

What did the mechanic say to the idiot raising his car on cinderblocks? That's jacked up!

Did you know in Amsterdam there's a combination brothel and mechanic shop? Apparently, they do a two-for-one on rimjobs.

A mechanic from my neighborhood was arrested yesterday for selling drugs. I was his client for 5 years and I didn't know he was a mechanic.

I took my car to the dentist. He said "I'm not a mechanic but your grill looks alright".

Did you hear about the mechanic that left his job to go into retail? He worked with a tyre.

I never knew my mechanic was a psychic Until he loudly announced that I had blown the tranny in my car.

What’s the difference between a gentleman and a mechanic? A gentleman washes his hands after he goes to the bathroom. A mechanic washes his hands before.

A guys car broke down in Alaska. A mechanic came by to look at it and said "looks like you blew a seal" the guy replies "no thats just frost on my moustache"

I don't understand Auto tune Neither does my mechanic

Why did the mechanic powerwash his shocks? Because he wanted to do a little spring cleaning.

Did you hear about the mechanic who slept with my wife? He nuts and bolts

Who should play a car mechanic wielding a hefty tool in any film? Hugh Jackman.

How did the auto mechanic pass his class on government? He had all the right answers “hon da’ civics” exam!

A mechanic falls onto his tools... It was a gut-wrenching experience.

My car had trouble starting So I asked a mechanic friend to take a look at my car.
He replied, "Yup. That's a car"

What do you call an Amish man with his arm up a horse's butt? A mechanic

What do you call someone who fixes tiny cars? A quantum mechanic

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Long Mechanic Jokes

My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.

He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic.

The penguin says, "Have you had time to look at my engine?"

The mechanic says, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin says, "No, that's just ice cream."

The boss of a mining company is trying to decide which of his 3 sons to promote, so he gives them a test...

He sits them all down and tells them: "There is bound to come a time in this company when you will hit a sudden economic crisis. When these times come you must know how to cut down on expenses and do the best you can with what budget you have. " He then proceeds to give them each 1000 dollars, and tells them that he will come back to the mine in a week, and see which of them have been able to move the most ore with the money they were given.

He returns after one week to check up on them, and approaches his oldest son.
"How much digging have you been able to do?" He asks
"3 tons of ore, father. I used 300 dollars to buy a broken digger, I then used my business contacts to find a mechanic willing to fix it for just 200 dollars if I gave his 5 kids a job. The youth is so desperate for a job this day, they will do 12 hour shifts even for an internship, and I only had to pay them 100 dollars each for a week of work"

The father pats his son proudly on the shoulder before moving on to his middle child, asking him how much mining he had been able to do as well.

"10 tons of ore, father. I used 100 dollars to run a local ad in the newspaper asking for workers, then took in 75 undocumented immigrants who all brought their own tools and shovels. They're all so afraid of being taken by immigration that they're willing to work for half minimum wage."

The father looks skeptically at his son for a while, but notices the massive piles of ore the workers are carrying out, and gives him a nod before carrying on to his youngest son.

"How much mining have you been able to do?" Asks the father
"35 tons, dad, but I didn't use any of the budget."
The father looks at him in awe, his jaw dropping "How were you able to move 35 tons of ore for free!?"

"I invited a bunch of conspiracy theorists. They just keep digging deeper and deeper thinking they're going to find something, and every time I tell them to take a break they accuse me of trying to withhold the truth from them!"

A penguin broke down in Las Vegas.

A penguin was driving through Vegas when suddenly his car stopped working so he had it towed to the nearest mechanic.

When he got there the mechanic told him it could take an hour or two to find out what is wrong with his car. The penguin was getting hot so he asked the mechanic where he could cool down.

The mechanic reply "there is an ice cream parlor a few blocks up the street" so the penguin thanked him and waddled up to the parlor. When he got there he ordered the biggest cup of vanilla ice cream they had.

After awhile of enjoying his ice cream he started to head back to the mechanic. When he got back the mechanic said
"Hey it looks like you blew a seal" then the penguin shouted "No no! It's just vanilla ice cream!"

A lawyer had just bought a fancy new car,...

...and was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it would never be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, "MY BENTLEY DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!"

"You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman.

"Yes, I am, but what does that have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.

"HA! You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.

The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, "MY ROLEX!"

The Lawyer's Car

A lawyer had just bought a fancy new car, and was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it would never be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, "MY BENTLEY DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!"

"You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman.

"Yes, I am, but what does that have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.

"HA! You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.

The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, "MY ROLEX!"

The Gynecologist had become

fed up with his job and decided to change professions. One day after seeing an advertisment for an auto mechanic school on TV, he decided to sign up. The Dr studied very hard and gave it the same level of excelence as he did when practicing medicine.

The day of the final exam came. The Dr had to completely rebuild an engine, which he did in record time. When the grades were posted, he was surprised to see that he had achieved a score of 125%. Curious, he spoke to his teacher.

"I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth or anything but how can I have gotten a score above 100%?" he asked.

"Well" said the instructor, 'You took the engine apart perfectly, that accounts for 50% of the grade, you put it back together flawlessly, that accounts for 50% or the grade. The extra 25% is because never in my career have I seen that all done through a four inch exaust pipe!"

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona...

...and sees that the car's oil-pressure light is on.He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.

The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."

"No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth, "it's just ice cream."

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on.

He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

A boy desperately needs money to buy a new car

However, his mother forcibly tells him no. The boy, undeterred, decides to get a job to pay. He applies for many jobs, ranging from a mechanic to delivering newspapers. However, he is not accepted for any of them. Slowly, he gives up on his dream of buying a car.

Weeks later, the boy tells his mother that he has got a job as a fence fixer. She is overjoyed for him, but something doesn't seem right. She has noticed her son occasionally sneaking out at nights. One night, she follows him, all the way to the rich neighbourhood on the other side of town. She watches as he rips out a fence from the front lawn of a house, and lays it down next to its foundations. Just before he leaves, she confronts him.

"Why have you been destroying other people's fences?" she asks.

"They will pay me the next day to fix it," the boy answers, ashamed. "Rich people can give me up to £100 just for putting their fence back."

"But why do you need the money?"

The boy looks up. "You see, reposting is the quickest way to car, ma."

A penguin has some car trouble...

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

a woman and her boyfriend

A woman and her boyfriend have just left a wild party and are speeding down a country lane in a sports car. The woman wants some fun and strips off her dress so she can flash at passers-by. Unfortunately, the man gets distracted and crashes the car. The naked woman is thrown clear but her boyfriend is trapped in the wreckage. The only cover the woman can find is one of her boyfriend's shoes, so she holds it over her crotch and runs to a nearby garage. She sees a mechanic and shouts, 'Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!' The mechanic looks at the shoe and says, 'You're going to need a doctor, miss, he's too far in.'

My favourite penguin joke

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

Lawyer Joke(Not sure if repost)

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!

Why do you make more money?

A heart surgeon takes his Cadillac to his mechanic to get his engine fixed. When he returns a few days after to pick up the car, the mechanic calls him over to show him something. He says, "Okay Doc, I've changed the seals out and fixed everything up but I have one question. The engine is to the car as the heart is to the body. Why is it that you make some much more money than me?"

The doctor examines the engine carefully and says, "try fixing it while the engine is running."

Cardiologist and the Mechanic

A cardiologist's car breaks down and he goes to a mechanic to get it fixed. After everything is done, the mechanic asks the cardiologist,

"Here's what I don't understand. I fix engines, and so do you, albeit human ones, so why do you get paid ten times more than I do?"

The cardiologist then turns the ignition on and says, "try it with the engine running."

A penguin goes on vacation...

He is sick of the cold, antarctic weather, so after some basic research, he decides he wants to go to the warm paradise of Texas.
The first day he arrives, he rents a convertible. He drives it up and down the highway, loving the warm air and hot sun. He blasts the heat, drinks hot coffee, and sweats like he has never sweat before.

But then, in the middle of nowhere, his car breaks down. He has it towed to the nearest small town, and brings it to a mechanic.

The mechanic says, "We're a little busy. It'll be about an hour before I can look at your car."

"No problem," the penguin responds, "I'll be back in an hour."

He heads back out into the heat, and wanders the small town. At this point, he is starting to get a little homesick. Just then, he sees a little ice cream stand. He thinks, what a perfect way to cool down and feel better.

He orders a giant vanilla ice cream. Bigger than a basketball, on top of a little tiny cone. He loves it. He licks it and slurps it, eating as much as he can as fast as he can (everyone knows penguins don't get ice cream headaches...). His little penguin tuxedo is covered in it. His hands are sticky with it. He gets lost in a vanilla paradise.

He is so immersed in this cone, that he loses track of time. Walking down the road, he passes a bank, flashing the current time, and he realizes he has been wandering for over two hours. He quickly runs back to the shop, discarding the rest of his frozen treat.

Barging into the mechanic's shop, struggling to catch his breath, the little penguin says, "I'm so sorry I'm late. I lost track of time. Have you figured out what's wrong with my car?"

The mechanic responds, "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No!" the penguin says, "It's ice cream, I swear!"

Edit: fixed the wall of text, hopefully.

A penguin is driving to the mall...

All of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.

He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic.

The penguin says, "Have you had time to look at my engine?"

The mechanic says, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin says, "No, that's just ice cream."

For my teacher who used to tell this one....

Two traveling salesmen were riding together across West Texas when their car began to sputter and cough. Soon, it died completely and they were stranded on the side of a state highway with little traffic.

Fortunately, a pick up truck pulled over to help. The driver was a comely middle aged woman in jeans and a work shirt. She told them the closest town with a mechanic was 60 miles away, and since it was past 5:00 pm they would be closed anyway until the next day.

In a gesture of Texas hospitality, she invited them to stay the night at her ranch which was nearby. Then they could call the garage in town to get their car fixed in the morning.

The two salesmen were very appreciative, and climbed into the pickup with her.

Soon they turned into a gate, and began driving through a lovely farm where cattle were grazing behind neatly built fences. As they drove she told them how she and her late husband had run this farm for years before he had died from a heart attack two years ago. Now it was just her running things, and it got lonely out here so she was glad for the chance to have guests.

Before long they pulled up to a very nice ranch house surrounded by a white fence and with a big barn nearby.


Once inside, the widow rancher made them comfortable on the big front porch and brought them cold iced tea before proceeding inside to cook a delicious home cooked meal for them. After dinner they chatted in the living room for a few hours before she showed them to the guest bedroom where they found a comfortable bed with down pillows and a homemade quilt.

In the morning the widow made them an enormous breakfast while they waited for the tow truck to come collect their car.


When the wrecker came, they bid the kind widow a fond farewell and she sent them on their way with a bag of cookies for later.

Soon their car was repaired and they were on their way again.

About nine months had passed when one of the salesman called the other.

"Bob, do you remember about nine months ago when our car broke down in West Texas?"

"Yes, Ted. I remember that."

"And Bob, do you remember that very kindly widow that took us in for the night?"

"Well of course I remember her Ted."

"Well Bob, I have to ask you something."

"Ok Ted."

"Bob, did you slip out of the guest room that night?"

Yes Ted, I did."

"And Bob, did you go to the widow's room that night?"

"I did Ted."

"Did you and the widow make love Bob?"

"Yes, we did Ted"

"Now Bob, this is very important. Did you by chance use MY name that night when you slept with her?"

"I did Ted. I'm ashamed of myself, but I did. I'm really, really sorry Ted...."

"Oh, that's ok Bob. I just wanted to call and let you know that she died and left me the ranch in her will."

That ones for you Coach!

Doctor has a point.

A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted
a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car
when the mechanic shouted across the garage,
"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
"So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged,
and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.
So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing
basically the same work?

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.

"Try doing it with the engine running."

A penguin takes his car to the mechanic....

The mechanic tells him it'll take about an hour to fix. The penguin heads over to the 7-11 across the street to kill some time and have an ice cream. But because he has clumsy little flippers he gets the ice cream all over his beak.
When he goes back to the mechanic, the mechanic tells him, "well, it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "no, that's just a bit of ice cream."

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