Filipino Jokes

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Funniest Filipino Jokes

Funny Filipino Jokes

What do you call two Filipino pilots? A pair of pliers

What do you call a Filipino yoga instructor? A Manila Folder.

I told my mate i was on my way to a Filipino lesson He said "Hey i've been wanting to learn a new language, can i tagalog?"

did you hear about the Filipino contortionist? he was a Manilla folder

I'm half filipino and half greek so what am I? I'm a freek

How would you know if someone else is a Filipino? They would tell you.





Source: I am Filipino

What do you call a Filipino man who gets really nervous every time he plays poker? A Manila folder

Why didn't the Filipino banana go to work today? He wasn't peeling well.

My friend asked me to learn Filipino with him but I didnt want to tag alog.

As a Filipino in 2017 Whenever I break a promise, I just say:

"Well, you voted for a man who promised to clean the government in three to six months! Get used to it."

Filipino Word of the Day: Chicken Nut Bread Juan: My girlpren hab asthma so sometimes chicken nut bread..

Just cracked a bottle of wine, and going to watch Phillippines TV... Time for some Filipino noir.

Southeast Asia isn't known for their wine. But I'll never say no to a Filipino Grigio

What's the difference between a fat chick and a Filipino drug dealer? Eventually, the drug dealer gets taken out.

Why are Filipino people so clingy? Because they always Tagalog.

What sound does a Filipino horse make when it gallops? Tagalog-tagalog-tagalog-tagalog.

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Long Filipino Jokes

One day, 4 babies were born at K.K. Hospital:

One day, 4 babies were born at K.K. Hospital: a German, a Jewish, a Filipino and a Singaporean.

However, someone mixed up the babies by mistake, and the nurses couldn't differentiate between them.

However, the head sister had a bright idea. She lined the babies up in front of her and exclaimed, "Heil Hitler!"

At hearing this, the German baby raised his arm in a salute, while the Jewish baby soiled his diapers. In the meantime, the Singaporean baby turned to the Filipino baby and said, "Clean that up!"

Filipino, a Chinese, a Japanese and a bar

Filipino, a Chinese man, and a Japanese guy are in a bar having a drink. When a gorgeous woman comes up to them and says, “Whoever can use the words ‘liver’ and ‘cheese’ in a creative sentence can have me for tonight.” So the Chinese guy says “I love liver and cheese.” She says “That’s not good enough” The Japanese man says “I hate liver and cheese” She says “That’s not creative” Finally, the Filipino says “Liver alone, cheese mine!”

Thank you for flying Philippine Airlines.

(Disclaimer, original joke was in Filipino, imma roughly translate it for y'all)

So John and Peter were riding a flight on Philippine Airlines, everything was going smoothly, and then something went wrong with the engine!

Sirens were blaring in the cockpit, and the pilot issued a PSA to the cabin saying "Dear passengers, this is your captain speaking. unfortunately we have lost one engine, but do not worry, I will ensure your safety.

The plane lands on water, and the captain calmly says, "Hello passengers, we have successfully landed on the water, I hope all of you are fine! Now, all of the people who can swim, please go to the right side of the plane. The people who can't, please go to the left.

Peter mentioned to John, "Pare (word in filipino meaning close friend), this is what I love about Philippine Airlines! They always have backup plans for every situation!"

John replied, "Yeah, pare, I agree, the crew is well trained in these situations!"

After everyone was arranged according to their swimming abilities, the captain spoke, "Everyone who can are on the right side of the plane, please evacuate the plane immediately and carefully. And to those on the left side of the plane..."

"Thank you for flying Philippine Airlines."

A joke from my Filipino uncle...

It is common in the Philippines for families to live in one-bedroom homes.

One night a couple wanted to make love, and so they had their child look the window. As the couple made love, the child continued to look out the window without turning around.

When the couple was done, the father asked the child “so, what did you see out the window?”

The child replied “the neighbors were making love too.”

Confused, the father asked “how could you tell?”

The child answered “their kid was looking at me from their window.”

A filipino joke i found and translated it.

John: Dad, there's a girl i like. She's beautiful. I want to go out with her.

Dad: Who?

John: The girl across our street, Nina.

Dad: Oh no, you can't. Don't tell Mom but she's your sister.



John was furious, but a week has passed and he fell in love again.



John: Dad, I think I'm inlove. She's prettier.

Dad: who?

John: She lives beside our house, name's Ana.

Dad: Oh son, i pity you but you can't date her. She's your sister as well. I'm sorry but it happened more than once.


John was furious. He decided to talk to his mother.


John: Mom, I hate dad! I can't date the 5 ladies I fell in love with just because they're dad's daughters to different women.

Mom: Oh, don't mind what your father said. You can date whoever you want, he's not your father.

An annual weaponry competition is being held.

There is one representative each from every country. Each representative wields the main weapon of sorts from their culture. A fly is released within the range if the representative and they must cut it. The nore precise or beautiful the cut, the more points.

The next competitor goes up, representing the USA as a Native American. He readies his tomahawk and the fly is released. He brings the tomahawk down, cutting the fly clean in two. The audience shouts in appraisal.

The next competitor steps up, representing India. He says a quick prayer and the fly is released. The khanda in his hand slices horizontally and the fly is also split in two, except horizontally. The crowd cheers racuously.

The next competitor steps forth, representing Japan. He brandishes his odachi and puts it back in the scabbard. The fly is released and the swordsman clicks his sword back in. A second later, the fly splits into eight pieces. The audience woah-s in amazement.

The final competitor goes up, representing the Philippines. He walks in indignation, clutching a scythe. The audience boos him, saying "That's not a sword!" and so on. Nevertheless, he readies his scythe and the fly is released. He slashes and the fly seems untouched. The crowd laughs in mocking tones, but the Filipino competitor grabs the mic and says, "Ladies and gentlemen, look closer, and you'll see that this fly won't be a father anytime soon."

An Asian woman on a plane sees her Asian seat-mate reading a book on Asian Stereotypes.

A little offended, yet equally curious, she asks her seat-mate "What does the book say?"

Her seat mate says: "According to this book, Filipino women are beautiful, Japanese women are smart, and Vietnamese women are faithful".

Taken aback by the slightly chauvinistic and stereotypical nature of the book's assertions, the woman asks: "Are these based on facts?"

Her seatmate says: "Not exactly, but these haven't been disproved either." He then turns to the woman and asks, "What's your name, by any chance?"

The woman thinks for a bit, and says "Maria Nguyen-Suzuki"

Let's try a joke I learned in the Philippines

A Filipino woman and her husband, an American, wake up the morning after their wedding and decide to take a shower together. In the middle of their fun, the water cuts out (as sometimes happens in the Philippines). The wife cries out, "Ay! Walang tubig!" ("Oh no! No water!" in Tagalog).

The husband replies, "Babe, you're wonderful, but if I'm being completely honest, it's not big, it's a little below average."

Two Filipino kids go trick or treating on Halloween...

...At the first house they go up to, a lady answers the door.

She says, "oh how cute are you two? Let me guess what you are..."

To the first kid she says, "With your tiara and wand, you must be a princess?"

the first kid says, "Yes! I am a princess!"

The lady says to the second kid, "with your eye patch and your sword, you must be a pirate or a buccaneer?"

the second kid looks at her funny, grabs his ears and says, "I'm a pirate...and these are my buccaneers!"

A joke my Filipino friend told me

Tom and I had to get to the other side of town so we hopped on the bus and when he received his change from the driver he says "thank you kindly, Sir"




I asked him "why so formal?"






"Well my momma always taught me to refer to the bus driver as Sir otherwise it would be rude"







At the end of the day we started to head back. We took out our return tickets and hopped on the bus again. Tom stepped up to the driver, took off his hat and showed his ticket.





"Why'd you take your hat off?" The bus driver asked.




Tom replied "because my momma taught me to always take my hat off when talking to a lady, sir"

The 3rd contender for the Space Race

The Soviets sent the first Soviet to Space and returned him safely to the Earth. In response, the Americans sent the American to the moon, landed him there and returned him safely. Another country contended, the Philippines in secret to the public was in preparation of a space program, to send the first Filipino to the sun, land him safely, and return him to the Earth. The leaders of the US and the USSR were baffled. They asked the President of the Philippines how this would be done. "Wouldn't this burn and kill your astronaut?". "No", the Philippines responded. "We will send our man during the night where it's colder and there's no heat."

I just want to share a Filipino joke

A teacher asked a Filipino student to use the words defense, defeat, and detail in a sentence.

The student answered, "Da dog jamped ober da pens: pers da peet and den da tail."

A teacher asked a Filipino student to use the words green, pink, and yellow in a sentence.

The student answered, "Da telepone went green, green so I pink it ap and say yellow."

A man is driving a tank into a crowded shopping center.

A woman sees this, and asks him why he's doing this.

The man says that he got into a fight with his Filipino roommate.

The woman, horrified, asks the man if he's gonna to kill his roommate.

The man shakes his head, and replies that he's simply following his roommate's instructions to the letter.

The woman asks what those instructions were.

The man says that after the fight, his roommate told him: "Put Tank In A Mall".

A Filipino, an Indian, and a Pakistani get arrested in Saudi Arabia

A Filipino, an Indian, and a Pakistani get arrested in Saudi Arabia for drinking alcohol. They are given a sentence of 50 lashes each. Before execution of their punishments each of them is given a chance to ask a wish.

The Filipino requests that a pillow be tied to his back. The wish is granted and he's given 50 lashes.

Indian asks for 2 pillows to be tied to his back. Again the wish is granted and 50 lashes given.

Now only the Pakistani is left and he asks to please be allowed to make 2 wishes. Reluctantly, they accept his demand and ask what are his two wishes. Pakistani man says:

1. Give me 100 lashes instead.
2. Tie the Indian to my back.

A classic Filipino joke

So a teacher is asking her students what they want to be when they grow up;

"I want to be a doctor, so I can cure others!"

"I want to be a famous actor, so I can entertain others!"

"I want to be a politician so I can lead others!"

And then the teacher turned to Juan and asked him the same question.

Juan: "I want to be "others" "

(Not sure if this translates well in English.)

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