British Jokes


Funniest British Jokes

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team? A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

Score: 12000

Why do The Brit’s still use ‘u’ in words like “colour” and “armour”? Because Rick Astley is British.

Score: 2183

Why is the British weather like Islam? Because it's either Sunni or Shi'ite

Score: 2174
Funny British Jokes
Score: 1743

A British man is visiting Australia. The man at customs asks him

"Do you have a criminal record?"

The British man replies

"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."

Score: 1662

The American President has challenged the British Prime Minister to a debate. Nobody knows what may happen.

Trump may trump May or May may trump Trump.

Score: 1310

Why are rich british people fat? because they measure their wealth in pounds

Score: 1244

Who would win if the American President debated the British Prime Minister? After all, Trump may trump May, or May may trump Trump

Score: 1198

Girls from England? A guy walks into a bar and hears two women speaking in a British accent. He asks, "Are you ladies from England?" One says to him "No, it's Wales, you idiot!" So, then the guy says, "Okay, sorry. So, are you two whales from England?"

Score: 881

A British engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

Score: 766

The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline. No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.

Score: 647

I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet... I don't know why.

Edit: I'm thrilled at the response! I should say this is an original joke from British comedian Chris Turner.

Score: 571

My favorite rapper is 50 cent Or as the British people now call him, 10,000 pounds.

Score: 490

One British girl Wife: I am going to London, what gift do you want?

Husband: One British girl

****Wife returns from London****

Husband: Where is my gift?

Wife: Wait for nine months...

Score: 464

I spent my whole life being proud of my British heritage until I found out that my Great Grandfather was actually from Transylvania Now I can't even look myself in the mirror.

Score: 432

What's the difference between watts and ohms? Watts are a unit of electrical energy. Ohms are where British people live.

Score: 378

I started going to the gym a year ago and so far I lost 500 pounds! The only problem is I’m British...

Score: 339

A British man visits Australia A British man visits Australia. The customs officer asks "Do you have a previous criminal history?"

The visitor replies "I didn't realize that was still a requirement"

Score: 326

My British friend asked me, "Why do you Americans drive on the wrong side of the road?" I told him, "Dude, we literally drive on the right side."

Score: 252

I spent my whole life being proud of my British heritage, until I found out that my great grandfather was actually from Transylvania... Now I can’t even look myself in the mirror...

Score: 221

TIL that in 1940 a German U-Boat captain found himself aboard a British vessel. Whoops, wrong sub.

Score: 186

A British man is visiting Australia for vacation. The passport lady at Australian customs asks him, "Have you been convicted of any crimes in the past?"

The Brit replies by asking, "Is it still a requirement?"

Score: 175

Why do British prostitutes always carry Vaseline? Because their lips have so many chaps on them!

Score: 147

A British soldier meets an Australian soldier on a warzone **British soldier**: Did you come here to die?

**Australian soldier**: Nah mate, I came here yesterday!

Score: 146

A British man is visiting Australia. The man at customs asks him : "Do you have any criminal record?"

he replied : "I didn't know this was still a requirement"

Score: 133

Olympic Results for Sailing are out: The British have taken the Gold medal.

The French have taken the Silver medal.

The Somalians have taken the boats.

Score: 125

Condoms were invented by Arabic-Muslims sometime in the 1400s using lower goat intestine They were later improved by the British in 1873 by taking the intestine out of the goat first

Score: 125

A man was drinking in a British pub ...when he noticed two very large women with strong accents. "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?" he asked.

"It's Wales, you idiot" one answered.

"I'm sorry" the man replied. "Are you two whales from Ireland?"

Score: 101

What happens when a British guy makes a promise? He Brexit

Score: 97

All Americans should be educated as to what propaganda is when it’s constantly being thrown at them. Propaganda is when a British person takes a good look at something.

Score: 84

What does a british real estate agent care most about? His proper tea

Score: 53

What does a British midget get when he is told he is going to be crucified? He gets a little cross.

Score: 26

What is a British police officer's favorite gaming console? WiiiiiiiUUUUUUUUU WiiiiiiiUUUUUUUUU WiiiiiiiUUUUUUUUU

Score: 26

Why did the US Navy gift the British Navy glass-bottomed boats? So they could see the old British Navy!

Score: 24

What do you call 32 British citizens? A full set of teeth.

Score: 21

Today in the UK we celebrate the 4th of July. The day the average IQ of the British Empire jumped 100 points with a single signature.

Score: 20

Cheap British hookers are the best ...pound for pound

Score: 20

Who said "Coming are the British! Coming are the British!" Paul Reverse

Score: 12

A person with three eyes, no arms and one leg is hitchhiking. A British guy pulls over and says, "Aye! Aye! Aye! You look 'armless. Hop in."

Score: 11

What do you pay a British saxophonist? A tenner.

Score: 9

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New British Jokes

Speaker of British Parliament John Bercrow has lost his voice. He is just, out of ORRRRDERRRRRRRR!

Score: 1

Why are British mothers always shorter than British fathers? Because they have mandatory mini-mums

Score: 1

The British public was asked today which Hollywood actor should replace the prime minister and save Britain. The votes were unanimous. Chuck Boris

Score: 1

How do you know that a black hole is British? When it has gravy tee.

Score: 1

What did the British man say when he opened up the magic lamp? There’s a lad in there.

Score: 5

What happens when you throw a potato in British fire? They burn into a crisp.


A.N: You have probably heard this before. I swear I am not copying anybody.

Score: 1

An elderly British woman was found beaten to death on a bus in Detroit. Reportedly, her last words were:
"Pardon me, do you know where I can buy some knickers?"

Score: 5

Boston is now the first city in the US to get British drama. Why? Because Boston loves spilling British tea

Score: 2

On a US Navy vessel is written: “USS.” What does that stand for? -United States Ship.

And on a British vessel it says: “HMS”?

-Her Majesty’s Ship

And on an Italian one it says: “AMB”?

-Aaatsah Meh Boat

Score: 4

How does an english airplane breathe? Through its british airways, of course

Score: 2

What do British people call a line of customers waiting to purchase Vietnamese noodle soup? Pho queue

Score: 0

How are the British taking to the Metric System? Inch by inch

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What's the difference between a British and a Jew? The British leaves and doesn't say goodbye, the jew says goodbye and doesn't leave.

Score: 2

The British use the phrase "Long live the queen," & the queen is the longest lived monarch in history. So you'd think they would have realized that they would have realized there might be an issue always saying Princess Di...

Score: 4

A British bass player walks into a bar. Bartender says "You've got a steering wheel in your pants."

Bass player says "I know. It's driving me nuts."

Score: 1

What's British and comes in a Japanese box? John Lennon

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I don’t think there are many instances where British royalty get into verbal altercations. But if they did they’d have to duke it out somewhere.

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As things have escalated between North Korea and America. The Americans have revealed their secret weapon. British troops

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I started studying history and learned something really impressive. Did you know that in the 18th and 19th centuries, the British Navy forced American sailors into service?

Score: 2

People in England must be really strong I knew a British guy that said his necklace was 100 pounds, but he talked about it like it was nothing.

Score: 2

What did a British rifle say to the shotgun? Sod off

Score: 2

I was having a wonderful conversation with a woman... Until I asked her if she liked BBC. I was referring to British television, but apparently she wasn't and stormed out.

Score: 1

What do you call someone who executes a 76 year old British singer with an OBE? I'll tell you in a few days

Score: 2

How do you invite a British fascist round to your place? Ask him to Mosley on over.

Score: 1

An urban British South London youth just drew on me with his pen. I hope I don't get "Blud." Poisoning.

Score: 1

What's the most favorite day of British people? Summer

Score: 7

What does a British person says to someone who just got hurt? UK?

Score: 3

Why can't the British properly use all of their T's The Americans threw most of them in the harbor ( Made this up with my buddy, don't know if it's been said here before )

Score: 2

The British weather has just been declared Muslim A little bit Sunni but mostly Shiite

Score: 4

What do you call a cheap British cinema? a Nickelodeon

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The British are celebrating the 4th... Because this past year makes them kind of glad America is independent.

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News: British man who built world's largest Rubik's cube builds world's largest fidget spinner. He then went home to the world's emptiest bed.

Score: 4

What do you call a crazy person in a British supermarket? InSanesBury. Yes, I am a yank.

Score: 2

UK ELECTIONS UPDATE It's post election fever in the UK.
And the British ladies are more confused than ever!
They are Conservative in the day, Liberal at night and nine months later in Labour😂😂

Score: 2

TIL Stephen Hawking is British Never realized because of his accent.

Score: 5

What's a British man without his tea A briish man

Score: 5

Did you hear that Donald Trump ripped up the Paris Agreement today? Unfortunately he grabbed the wrong one, and now the US is a British colony again.

Score: 2

I don't like coffee... ...because it isn't my cup of tea. (A British)

Score: 3

I can afford to hire a private jet but I prefer to fly British Airways. It keeps me grounded.

Score: 3

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke a hole which it has poked before? A key.

Fun fact: This joke was invented by the Anglo Saxon s in the 10th century. Oldest British joke ever.

Score: 1

If I had a dollar for every dollar I'd spent I'd still have no dollars. I'm british

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British Neighbors One of my friends has British neighbors, and they told him that they are royalty. They live Tudors down.

Score: 2

A British man, a French man, a Spanish man, and a German man are walking through the streets when they see a performer. The performer asks if the can all see him.

They respond, "Yes" "Oui" "Si" "Ja"

Score: 4

How many days of the week start with t? It depends. If you are American it's two, but if you are British then pretty much every day of the week starts with tea.

Score: 2

I like both kinds of british cuisine... fish AND chips.

Score: 5

Don't think people will get this but how do you trigger an American ? You tell them that the country is still a British colony

Score: 2

What do you call a British guy's mom who does everything to the lowest quality? Minimum

Score: 3

So the British government have just produced a white paper detailing their plan of leaving the EU Well, they weren't about to use black or brown paper now were they?

Score: 2

If the Scottish started to colonize North America before the British... Could I say that the Scott Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock?

Score: 1

British inflation hit a 3 year high last month... How did they find out about my blow up girlfriend?

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A very British joke: I went to a class to learn how to make the perfect cup of tea

It was a steep learning curve

Score: 2

What do you call a British spy who's constantly playing games on his phone? Exhaustin' Powers

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What's a Korean's favourite take on a traditional British meal? German Shepherd pie.

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What is the British equivalent of wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am? "Honey!"

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Coffee... If you're British, it may not be your cup of tea.

Score: 3

I'm a British real estate agent I only drink propertea.

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What does a British guy say when he beats an Eastern European at chess? Czechmate

Score: 5

What's a British student's favourite drink? M.I.Tea

Score: 3

An Australian soldier arrives at the front line in WW1 where he meets a British officer.
The officer asks "have come here to die too?"
The soldier replies
"No sir, I came yesterday."

Score: 4

What's the capital of British Columbia, Canada? [Removed]

Score: 1

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