British Jokes

Contents

Funniest British Jokes

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team? A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

Score: 12000

Why do The Brit’s still use ‘u’ in words like “colour” and “armour”? Because Rick Astley is British.

Score: 2183

Why is the British weather like Islam? Because it's either Sunni or Shi'ite

Score: 2174
Funny British Jokes
Score: 1743

A British man is visiting Australia. The man at customs asks him

"Do you have a criminal record?"

The British man replies

"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."

Score: 1662

The American President has challenged the British Prime Minister to a debate. Nobody knows what may happen.

Trump may trump May or May may trump Trump.

Score: 1310

Why are rich british people fat? because they measure their wealth in pounds

Score: 1244

Who would win if the American President debated the British Prime Minister? After all, Trump may trump May, or May may trump Trump

Score: 1198

Girls from England? A guy walks into a bar and hears two women speaking in a British accent. He asks, "Are you ladies from England?" One says to him "No, it's Wales, you idiot!" So, then the guy says, "Okay, sorry. So, are you two whales from England?"

Score: 881

A British engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

Score: 766

The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline. No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.

Score: 647

I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet... I don't know why.

Edit: I'm thrilled at the response! I should say this is an original joke from British comedian Chris Turner.

Score: 571

My favorite rapper is 50 cent Or as the British people now call him, 10,000 pounds.

Score: 490

One British girl Wife: I am going to London, what gift do you want?

Husband: One British girl


****Wife returns from London****


Husband: Where is my gift?

Wife: Wait for nine months...

Score: 464

I spent my whole life being proud of my British heritage until I found out that my Great Grandfather was actually from Transylvania Now I can't even look myself in the mirror.

Score: 432

What's the difference between watts and ohms? Watts are a unit of electrical energy. Ohms are where British people live.

Score: 378

I started going to the gym a year ago and so far I lost 500 pounds! The only problem is I’m British...

Score: 339

A British man visits Australia A British man visits Australia. The customs officer asks "Do you have a previous criminal history?"

The visitor replies "I didn't realize that was still a requirement"

Score: 326

My British friend asked me, "Why do you Americans drive on the wrong side of the road?" I told him, "Dude, we literally drive on the right side."

Score: 252

I spent my whole life being proud of my British heritage, until I found out that my great grandfather was actually from Transylvania... Now I can’t even look myself in the mirror...

Score: 221

TIL that in 1940 a German U-Boat captain found himself aboard a British vessel. Whoops, wrong sub.

Score: 186

A British man is visiting Australia for vacation. The passport lady at Australian customs asks him, "Have you been convicted of any crimes in the past?"

The Brit replies by asking, "Is it still a requirement?"

Score: 175

Why do British prostitutes always carry Vaseline? Because their lips have so many chaps on them!

Score: 147

A British soldier meets an Australian soldier on a warzone **British soldier**: Did you come here to die?

**Australian soldier**: Nah mate, I came here yesterday!

Score: 146

A British man is visiting Australia. The man at customs asks him : "Do you have any criminal record?"

he replied : "I didn't know this was still a requirement"

Score: 133

Olympic Results for Sailing are out: The British have taken the Gold medal.

The French have taken the Silver medal.

The Somalians have taken the boats.

Score: 125

Condoms were invented by Arabic-Muslims sometime in the 1400s using lower goat intestine They were later improved by the British in 1873 by taking the intestine out of the goat first

Score: 125

A man was drinking in a British pub ...when he noticed two very large women with strong accents. "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?" he asked.

"It's Wales, you idiot" one answered.

"I'm sorry" the man replied. "Are you two whales from Ireland?"

Score: 101

What happens when a British guy makes a promise? He Brexit

Score: 97

All Americans should be educated as to what propaganda is when it’s constantly being thrown at them. Propaganda is when a British person takes a good look at something.

Score: 84

What do you call a British circle jerk? A Union Jack.

Score: 69

I tried to be a tap dancer but I kept falling in the sink!

(thank you, british uncle ken for that dry humor)

Score: 32

A british tourist arrives to the Sydney airport. The australian duty officer checks the tourist's passport before letting him enter the country, then asks:

"Have you ever been sentenced?"

"Wait, is this still a requirement?"

Score: 24

Why is it so confusing to play chess with the British? It's only check, mate

Score: 6

What did the British man say when he opened up the magic lamp? There’s a lad in there.

Score: 5

Why did the British never get into the computer business? They couldn’t figure out how to make a computer leak oil.

Score: 5

The British use the phrase "Long live the queen," & the queen is the longest lived monarch in history. So you'd think they would have realized that they would have realized there might be an issue always saying Princess Di...

Score: 4

On a US Navy vessel is written: “USS.” What does that stand for? -United States Ship.

And on a British vessel it says: “HMS”?

-Her Majesty’s Ship

And on an Italian one it says: “AMB”?

-Aaatsah Meh Boat

Score: 4

I'm a British real estate agent I only drink propertea.

Score: 3

What's the Difference Between an American Anorexia Patient and a British Anorexia Patient? One develops an illness, starts losing pounds, and seeks treatment; the other develops an illness, seeks treatment, and starts losing pounds.

Score: 3

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New British Jokes

Why did people keep asking a British genie for medical advice? Sir Djinn

Score: 0

How does the British government raise money? They issue James Bonds

Score: 2

A British mail carrier known for his whistling was found dead this morning Apparently he couldn't carry a tune to save his life

Score: 0

What does a British stoner get at 5 pm? Teapot.

Score: 0

The other day, I was told "you cant make a British joke about Greek mythology" I told him "Pollux to that"

Score: 0

What does an Italian call an annoying British politician? A Pesci-Torrey

Score: 0

What do British people do when there is a traffic jam at a roundabout? They form a Q.

Score: 0

Why can’t British people gossip? They’d absolutely refuse to spill tea.

Score: 0

People from the UK tend to swallow the 'T' when saying "british" Other times of the day on which many britains can be found swallowing tea are 11AM and 4 to 6 PM

Score: 0

Why did the British guy spit the coffee at a cafe? He wanted a property.

Score: 0

Two smart jokes What does a scientist call it when they're A/B testing and they find a third variable?
An emergent C

What element do British people like early in the morning?
Strong-tea-um

Score: 3

Why are British mothers always shorter than British fathers? Because they have mandatory mini-mums

Score: 1

The British public was asked today which Hollywood actor should replace the prime minister and save Britain. The votes were unanimous. Chuck Boris

Score: 1

How do you know that a black hole is British? When it has gravy tee.

Score: 1

Durung WWII a platoon of british marines accidentally entered a u-boat. Oops wrong sub.

Score: 0

What happens when you throw a potato in British fire? They burn into a crisp.

​

A.N: You have probably heard this before. I swear I am not copying anybody.

Score: 1

Alfred was teaching Bruce about currencies. Alfred: The British pound is more valuable than the American dollar.
Bruce: Oh? Then how much is a Penny worth?

Score: 1

A british man goes skydiving with a falcon but he starts spinning out of control Caw blimey!

Score: 1

How many British-borned Indian Artists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, the lightbulb always pays the exact amount.

Score: 0

How does an english airplane breathe? Through its british airways, of course

Score: 2

What do British people call a line of customers waiting to purchase Vietnamese noodle soup? Pho queue

Score: 0

What do British people call a line of customers waiting for Pho? Pho queue

Score: 2

What's the difference between a British and a Jew? The British leaves and doesn't say goodbye, the jew says goodbye and doesn't leave.

Score: 2

Why aren’t British electrical plugs allowed to do anything? They are always grounded.

Score: 2

Do you know the reason why the orcs in the lord of the rings are British? They saved a lot of time in costumes making their teeth look bad.

Score: 1

Did you hear that Donald Trump ripped up the Paris Agreement today? Unfortunately he grabbed the wrong one, and now the US is a British colony again.

Score: 2

What do you call a British guy who throws a spear through the knee? Britney Spears

Score: 1

Brexit is like traffic Rest of the EU is right even if the British left.

Score: 1

What do you call a British spy who's constantly playing games on his phone? Exhaustin' Powers

Score: 1

What's a Korean's favourite take on a traditional British meal? German Shepherd pie.

Score: 2

What's the capital of British Columbia, Canada? [Removed]

Score: 1

Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian? Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.

Score: 2

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