What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?
A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...
Bit of British humour right there ;)
A British man is visiting Australia.
The man at customs asks him
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The British man replies
"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."
The American President has challenged the British Prime Minister to a debate.
Nobody knows what may happen.
Trump may trump May or May may trump Trump.
Who would win if the American President debated the British Prime Minister? After all, Trump may trump May, or May may trump Trump
Girls from England? A guy walks into a bar and hears two women speaking in a British accent. He asks, "Are you ladies from England?" One says to him "No, it's Wales, you idiot!" So, then the guy says, "Okay, sorry. So, are you two whales from England?"
A British engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.
The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline. No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.
I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet...
I don't know why.
Edit: I'm thrilled at the response! I should say this is an original joke from British comedian Chris Turner.
One British girl
Wife: I am going to London, what gift do you want?
Husband: One British girl
****Wife returns from London****
Husband: Where is my gift?
Wife: Wait for nine months...
I spent my whole life being proud of my British heritage until I found out that my Great Grandfather was actually from Transylvania Now I can't even look myself in the mirror.
Canada could have had it all: American industry, British Culture, and French Cuisine. Instead, they got: French Industry, American culture, and British cuisine
What's the difference between watts and ohms? Watts are a unit of electrical energy. Ohms are where British people live.
A British man visits Australia
A British man visits Australia. The customs officer asks "Do you have a previous criminal history?"
The visitor replies "I didn't realize that was still a requirement"
My British friend asked me, "Why do you Americans drive on the wrong side of the road?" I told him, "Dude, we literally drive on the right side."
I spent my whole life being proud of my British heritage, until I found out that my great grandfather was actually from Transylvania... Now I can’t even look myself in the mirror...
None of you actually know what a propaganda is, do you? It’s when a British person takes a good look at something
TIL that in 1940 a German U-Boat captain found himself aboard a British vessel. Whoops, wrong sub.
A British man is visiting Australia for vacation.
The passport lady at Australian customs asks him, "Have you been convicted of any crimes in the past?"
The Brit replies by asking, "Is it still a requirement?"
Why do British prostitutes always carry Vaseline? Because their lips have so many chaps on them!
A British soldier meets an Australian soldier on a warzone
**British soldier**: Did you come here to die?
**Australian soldier**: Nah mate, I came here yesterday!
A British man is visiting Australia.
The man at customs asks him : "Do you have any criminal record?"
he replied : "I didn't know this was still a requirement"
Olympic Results for Sailing are out:
The British have taken the Gold medal.
The French have taken the Silver medal.
The Somalians have taken the boats.
A man was drinking in a British pub
...when he noticed two very large women with strong accents. "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?" he asked.
"It's Wales, you idiot" one answered.
"I'm sorry" the man replied. "Are you two whales from Ireland?"
All Americans should be educated as to what propaganda is when it’s constantly being thrown at them. Propaganda is when a British person takes a good look at something.
A savage wife
Wife : I am going to London for a month.What should I bring for you?
Husband: A nice British Blonde...
*after 1 month*
Husband : Where is my gift?
Wife : Wait for 9 months.
TIL the excuse the US Marine used in May 1943 after accidentally friendly fire'ing a British U-boat. Woops, wrong sub.
Kate Middleton has said if she has a boy she will call him by the most popular British boy's name at the moment. We look forward to the arrival of baby Mohammed.
What's the difference between an Ethiopian elevator sign and an British elevator sign?
British sign says " Maximum 6 People/500kg"
Ethiopian sign says "Maximum 500 People/6kg"
A British man enters customs at an Australian airport.
The officer asks
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The man looks confused and replies
"No, do I still need one?"
A British engineer just opened a buisness in Afganistan. He is selling landmines that look like prayer mats. When asked how buisness was going he said that prophets are going through the roof.
My British friend asked me if I can spot him a tenner. I replied, “Of course I can, we’re at the opera!”
When British people pronounce words like “Water” they say it like “Wuh-er”. So what happened to the T? They drank it
What country has the most orgasms? Great Britain. The British are coming! The British are coming!
A British Cop and an American Cop are talking in a bar
The British cop says "they might take away our tasers because they sometimes kill people"
The American Cop says "sometimes? seems inneficient"
Did you hear the mobster tell the punchline of the joke about the famous British chef that was skewered, clean through, after falling onto more than one male Bighorn sheep? "Gored on rams, see?"
My two British neighbours had their donkey escape from the barn, and are desperately looking for it. They are assless chaps.
Why did the British
Why did the British send the criminals to Australia and the Puritans to America?
Australia had first choice.
Why do British people struggle with getting a good night’s sleep? Because the sun never sets.
British tommy: Are you two girls from England?
British tommy: are you two whales from England??
What is the meaning for the word "propaganda" When a British person is having a good look at something
Yesterday I hit my face on the door and yelled “I think I have a bloody nose!” My British friend got upset and said “I know you have a nose dumbass.”
A British aquarium claims to have the world’s first vegetarian shark. Either that or they’re playing a really good prank on Nigel the tank cleaner.
A German joke A German is driving his car in Britain. A British cop pulls him over to the side of the road. Cop: "Sir, do you realize that there are two poisonous snakes on your windshield?" The German: "Off course! Zey are my vinscreen vipers!”
The oldest known British joke dates from the 10th century.
Found in a book of Anglo-Saxon poetry, it reads: "what hangs at a man’s thigh and wants to poke the hole that it’s often poked before?
Answer: A key."
I hate it when British people talk about the big pile of trash in the ocean. They shouldn’t talk about their country like that.
What were the British man’s final words as he was about to be executed in China? “Is it really THAT bloody hard to ask for tea and a mint square?”
Two smart jokes
What does a scientist call it when they're A/B testing and they find a third variable?
An emergent C
What element do British people like early in the morning?
The year is 2192 The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension to the Brexit Deadline. No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.