British Jokes

Contents

Funniest British Jokes

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team? A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

Why is the British weather like Islam? Because it's either Sunni or Shi'ite

Funny British Jokes

A British man is visiting Australia. The man at customs asks him

"Do you have a criminal record?"

The British man replies

"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."

The American President has challenged the British Prime Minister to a debate. Nobody knows what may happen.

Trump may trump May or May may trump Trump.

Why are rich british people fat? because they measure their wealth in pounds

Who would win if the American President debated the British Prime Minister? After all, Trump may trump May, or May may trump Trump

Girls from England? A guy walks into a bar and hears two women speaking in a British accent. He asks, "Are you ladies from England?" One says to him "No, it's Wales, you idiot!" So, then the guy says, "Okay, sorry. So, are you two whales from England?"

A British engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline. No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.

I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet... I don't know why.

Edit: I'm thrilled at the response! I should say this is an original joke from British comedian Chris Turner.

My favorite rapper is 50 cent Or as the British people now call him, 10,000 pounds.

One British girl Wife: I am going to London, what gift do you want?

Husband: One British girl


****Wife returns from London****


Husband: Where is my gift?

Wife: Wait for nine months...

I spent my whole life being proud of my British heritage until I found out that my Great Grandfather was actually from Transylvania Now I can't even look myself in the mirror.

Canada could have had it all: American industry, British Culture, and French Cuisine. Instead, they got: French Industry, American culture, and British cuisine

What's the difference between watts and ohms? Watts are a unit of electrical energy. Ohms are where British people live.

A British man visits Australia A British man visits Australia. The customs officer asks "Do you have a previous criminal history?"

The visitor replies "I didn't realize that was still a requirement"

My British friend asked me, "Why do you Americans drive on the wrong side of the road?" I told him, "Dude, we literally drive on the right side."

I spent my whole life being proud of my British heritage, until I found out that my great grandfather was actually from Transylvania... Now I can’t even look myself in the mirror...

None of you actually know what a propaganda is, do you? It’s when a British person takes a good look at something

TIL that in 1940 a German U-Boat captain found himself aboard a British vessel. Whoops, wrong sub.

A British man is visiting Australia for vacation. The passport lady at Australian customs asks him, "Have you been convicted of any crimes in the past?"

The Brit replies by asking, "Is it still a requirement?"

Why do British prostitutes always carry Vaseline? Because their lips have so many chaps on them!

A British soldier meets an Australian soldier on a warzone **British soldier**: Did you come here to die?

**Australian soldier**: Nah mate, I came here yesterday!

A British man is visiting Australia. The man at customs asks him : "Do you have any criminal record?"

he replied : "I didn't know this was still a requirement"

Olympic Results for Sailing are out: The British have taken the Gold medal.

The French have taken the Silver medal.

The Somalians have taken the boats.

A man was drinking in a British pub ...when he noticed two very large women with strong accents. "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?" he asked.

"It's Wales, you idiot" one answered.

"I'm sorry" the man replied. "Are you two whales from Ireland?"

What happens when a British guy makes a promise? He Brexit

British Person: “I’m bri ish” “I guess you drank the t”

All Americans should be educated as to what propaganda is when it’s constantly being thrown at them. Propaganda is when a British person takes a good look at something.

Why do British people say, "I'm Bri ish"? Because they love to drink the t.

A savage wife Wife : I am going to London for a month.What should I bring for you?
Husband: A nice British Blonde...
*after 1 month*
Husband : Where is my gift?
Wife : Wait for 9 months.

TIL the excuse the US Marine used in May 1943 after accidentally friendly fire'ing a British U-boat. Woops, wrong sub.

What do you call a British circle jerk? A Union Jack.

Kate Middleton has said if she has a boy she will call him by the most popular British boy's name at the moment. We look forward to the arrival of baby Mohammed.

British people be like “I’m bri ish” Because they drank the t

What's the difference between an Ethiopian elevator sign and an British elevator sign? British sign says " Maximum 6 People/500kg"

Ethiopian sign says "Maximum 500 People/6kg"

A British man enters customs at an Australian airport. The officer asks
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The man looks confused and replies
"No, do I still need one?"

A British engineer just opened a buisness in Afganistan. He is selling landmines that look like prayer mats. When asked how buisness was going he said that prophets are going through the roof.

What does a british real estate agent care most about? His proper tea

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New British Jokes

My British friend asked me if I can spot him a tenner. I replied, “Of course I can, we’re at the opera!”

When British people pronounce words like “Water” they say it like “Wuh-er”. So what happened to the T? They drank it

What country has the most orgasms? Great Britain. The British are coming! The British are coming!

A British Cop and an American Cop are talking in a bar The British cop says "they might take away our tasers because they sometimes kill people"

The American Cop says "sometimes? seems inneficient"

Did you hear the mobster tell the punchline of the joke about the famous British chef that was skewered, clean through, after falling onto more than one male Bighorn sheep? "Gored on rams, see?"

What does a british musician live in? Ab

My two British neighbours had their donkey escape from the barn, and are desperately looking for it. They are assless chaps.

Why did the British Why did the British send the criminals to Australia and the Puritans to America?

​

Australia had first choice.

What do you call a British Bee Smashing and Dashing? A Honey Nut, Cheerio.

Why do British people struggle with getting a good night’s sleep? Because the sun never sets.

Why do British hate the Prime numbers? Because they can't be divided

Sometime, British people be like,"Hi, I'm Bri ish" Its probably because they drank the "t"

Why do British people say “Bri-ish”? Cuz they drank all the “t”

British people be like: I'm bri ish Hiding the T from Americans ever since Boston tea party

British people are like: “I’m Bri ish” ...and here’s the t☕️

What do you call a British girl who likes to keep track of things? a Tally Hoe.

English Whales British tommy: Are you two girls from England?
Girls: Wales....
British tommy: are you two whales from England??

I love the British summer It's my favourite day of the year.

What is the meaning for the word "propaganda" When a British person is having a good look at something

Thanks to Brexit, British prostitutes are now a great deal.. pound for pound

What do British people do when there is a traffic jam at a roundabout? They form a Q.

Why was the Brexit coin delayed? Because the British couldn't agree on a border.

British English now has only 3 vowels: A I O They officially left E U

Why can’t British people gossip? They’d absolutely refuse to spill tea.

I lost 50 pounds to craps


at a British casino


I got it back at the all you can eat buffet

Yesterday I hit my face on the door and yelled “I think I have a bloody nose!” My British friend got upset and said “I know you have a nose dumbass.”

A British aquarium claims to have the world’s first vegetarian shark. Either that or they’re playing a really good prank on Nigel the tank cleaner.

A German joke A German is driving his car in Britain. A British cop pulls him over to the side of the road. Cop: "Sir, do you realize that there are two poisonous snakes on your windshield?" The German: "Off course! Zey are my vinscreen vipers!”

American: You British people spell things weird. Brit: no U.

What do you have when you have 2000 British pounds? A ton of money.

The oldest known British joke dates from the 10th century. Found in a book of Anglo-Saxon poetry, it reads: "what hangs at a man’s thigh and wants to poke the hole that it’s often poked before?

Answer: A key."

I hate it when British people talk about the big pile of trash in the ocean. They shouldn’t talk about their country like that.

What do you call a british man who bleeds when he faps A Bloody Wanker

What do you say to a British person when they hurt themselves? U K?

What do you call a British person taking a good look at something? Propaganda.

What were the British man’s final words as he was about to be executed in China? “Is it really THAT bloody hard to ask for tea and a mint square?”

Two smart jokes What does a scientist call it when they're A/B testing and they find a third variable?
An emergent C

What element do British people like early in the morning?
Strong-tea-um

The year is 2192 The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension to the Brexit Deadline. No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.

Why do British people drive on the left? Because they have no rights.

What do you call a group of British gentlemen who have misplaced their donkey? Assless Chaps

​

My coworker used to tell me this one.

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Long British Jokes

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."

The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.

Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"

"Un, deux, trois, quatre", radioed the French ship...

...before it cinq.

"Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence.

"Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres.

"One," radioed the British ship before it went two.

"Won," radioed the American sub.

There were three POWs together in a British prison in the Second World War, a German, a Japanese, and an Italian.

The British began by torturing the German. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison, ashamed. He told the others what he had done and urged them to be stronger than he was.

They next began torturing the Japanese man. Through all the pain and agony, he stayed strong for three days, but in the end, talked. He was sent back to the prison, having brought shame to himself, his family, and his country.

They finally sent in the Italian. For an unending three weeks, they tortured him, until they realized if they did anything else to the poor man, he would die, so they sent him back. When he got back to the prison cell bloody and battered, the other POWs asked him, "So? Did you talk?"

"How could I talk with my hands tied behind my back?"

A British tourist visits a brothel in Germany

Geoffrey, a middle-aged British tourist on his first visit to Germany finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Geoffrey's. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Geoffrey and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.

He leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Pounds?"

Should English be the only official language of the EU?

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

A British man, a French man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.

They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.

The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests a bottle of tequila and a pillow strapped to his back. They let him drink the tequila and strap the pillow to his back and then commence the lashes. After 5 lashes the pillow breaks and they keep lashing him. After the 20 lashes he's bawling and his back is horribly scared. They haul him away to be sent back to Spain.

The French man is next and he requests two pillows (one per request). After 10 lashes the pillows break and they continue with the next 10. By the end he's also horribly scarred and bawling, but not as bad as the Spanish guy.

While they are hauling off the French guy the judge turns to the Brit and says "Well it's your turn now. What do you request?"

The British man responds "First I want the original punishment of 100 lashes. I don't believe I should get off easy."

The Judge yells "You're crazy! why would you do that?"

The Brit responds "Because my next request is to have the French man strapped to my back."

[long] European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language...

of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility . As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English ".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy . The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter .

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter .

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling . Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away .

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v ".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

British Royalty!

Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding. During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.

"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder."

Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy! He served in the Navy: once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!

Can you call the British PM a fool?

During WW II, a man was arrested in London for calling Winston Churchill a fool.

The next day in the House of Commons, the opposition members were ready to roast the government for this. "Are we living in a police state", they shouted, "where we cannot call the PM a fool"?

Churchill's reply was truly disarming - "The man was not arrested for calling the Prime Minister a fool", he said, "but for letting out a state secret at a time of war".

German Baby Joke I saw on QI

A British couple decided to adopt a German baby. They raised him for years, however they began to get worried because he never spoke, and they believed that he was mentally handicapped, going as far as to take him to therapy, which was fruitless.
Then, when the child was 8 years old, he had a Strudle, and said "It is a little tepid."

His parents, of course shocked that he was suddenly speaking, asked: "Wolfgang, why have you never spoken before?", to which the child replied:
"Up until now, everything had been satisfactory."

The difference between "guts" and "balls" according to the British military.

There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”, according to the British military. We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.

Do they, however, know the difference between them? Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the “Guts” to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the “Balls” to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal.

Two Cows

**Edit: Just to make it clear, I am not taking credit for the joke(s). I just merely found it/them whilst browsing around and thought you guys would appreciate it/them.**



SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour



COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk



NAZISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.

You sell them and retire on the income

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM

You have two giraffes.

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION

You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.

You still only have two cows.


A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.

You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.

He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint British pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a few pints of stout.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those drinks. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the tourist, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the policeman."Just follow me". He leads the tourist down a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir," replied the police officer, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

A British family adopt a German child

A young British couple unable to have children decide that they want to adopt a child. They go and meet a few babies before settling on a child left by a German family.

They love this child to bits and feel as if he is truly their child, the parents and their family marvel at how the child never cries - ever - it has never cried. The child has never made a single noise.

After the child turns 1 the parents begin to worry that he still hasn’t said a word. They understand kids develop differently and move on. On the child’s second birthday, the parents are seriously concerned that he still hasn’t said a single word. They take him to a doctor who is concerned too but informs the parents to wait until the child is 3 to consider any drastic approach.

As the third birthday approaches, the parents are getting extremely nervous - still the child has said nothing. They prepare and research the potential approaches to get him to speak.

Two weeks before his third birthday, they are sat down at the table together eating down. The child says to his mother “Please may you pass the salt.” Naturally the parents are stunned “What! You can speak!” they exclaim, “Why didn’t you say anything before?”

The child responds in his heavy German accent, “Up until this point, everything was satisfactory.”

In 1941, a German boy named Hans was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

"Father, where's the United States?" asked Hans. His father pointed on a map to the continental nation in North America.

"And I'm told we're already at war with Russia," the curious lad continued. "Where is Russia?" His father pointed to where Soviet Russia lay in all its time zone-hogging glory.

"And we're also at war with the British Empire," added Hans. "Where is that?" His father pointed out all the territories of the empire upon which the sun never set.

"And where is Germany?" asked Hans. His father pointed to their country in central Europe.

Hans thought for a moment and then said, "Father, has Hitler seen this map?"

The French, the British, and the American are talking about submarines.

So there's a French, British, and American submarine engineer, sitting at a café, overlooking the ocean.

The British says "Our new electric submarines can stay underwater for a full two weeks without surfacing," he brags.

The Frenchman replied "Zat is nothing! Our new French diesel submarines can stay underwater for a full month without surfacing!"

The American then says. "Oh ho. Yeah, well our new American nuclear submarines can stay underwater for a full three months without surfacing."

Suddenly, a submarine rises from the ocean. The hatch opens, a man gets out, raises his arm and says "Hail Hitler! Have we won the war?"

Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and

“OH MY GOD!”

Silence followed..... complete silence...

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled “For the luvva Jaysus, you should see the back of mine!"

Euro-English

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will
replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

A Brit, American and South African Joke

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years
They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brit’s, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York bulletin: “American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British”
One week later, the Cape bulletin, in South Africa , reported the following: “After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Thabazimbi , South Africa , Lucky Simelane, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing (azikolo, fokol (f*** all). Lucky has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Africa had already gone wireless.

Since the UK were leaving the EU, the European Commission decided on having English remain as the main language, instead of German

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

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