(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding
Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
Edit: wow this blew up!
thanks for the gold!!!
6 was afraid of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
EDIT: Wow RIP inbox, thanks for the love guys.
Dad: Son, you're adopted.
Son: Oh wow I wonder who my real parents are.
Dad: We are your real parents, your adopted parents are coming to pick you up.
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
One. We are efficient and dont have humour.
Edit: Wow this blew up. As a German, I didnt expect this.
What does a girl want more than anything in the world?
Nothing. She's fine.
Edit: Wow guys. Thanks so much for the upvotes, the hilarious comments and I finally got my 1st gold!
My girlfriend is like an iPhone 7.
I wish I had an iPhone 7.
edit: wow really this is the best thing I've ever done huh whelp I guess it's okay to peak at 24.
What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?...
(Not sure if this one translates well to english)
EDIT: Wow guys I didn't think you would like this joke that much. This was something I read on a book like 6 years ago. Thanks!
What do Japanese cannibals eat
Edit: Wow my first post is actually doing pretty well.
Thanks for upvotes and comments. I really don't know how to react.
How many LGBT supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?
The lightbulb is fine the way it is. Society just needs to change the way it looks at it.
Edit: Wow front page. Didn't expect this big a response.
Wow I got all this for free today. iPhone, some weed, and $2 000 ... it’s like this gun is magic!
My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture. Wow thanks I'm cured.
A black guy walks into a bar with a huge parrot on his shoulder.
Barman says “Oh wow I’ve never seen one like that before, where did you get him from?”
Parrot says “Africa, there’s loads of them over there”
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say before he began his chess game?
"I'll be black."
EDIT: If it gets me any sympathy upvotes, I'll mention I made this one up myself.
EDIT 2: Wow this is my first front page post ever!! Thanks guys!
What did the robber say after blowing open the bank safe? Wow this blew up, thanks for the gold!
What did the redditor say after setting off the bomb at the bank Edit: wow this blew up thanks for the gold kind stranger
Little Old Lady
A: Knock Knock.
B: Who's there?
A: Little old lady.
B: Little old lady who?
A: Wow you're a pretty good yodeler!
I'll see myself out now.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend.
**Friend:** wow thanks. I'm rich!
**Robin [narrows eyes]:** you’re what???
They said I'm overconfident.
Edit 1: Thanks for the gold!
Edit 2: Thanks for the platinum!
Edit 3: Wow this blew up!
Wow honey, I never thought our son would go that far! You're right, the catapult is amazing! Go get our daughter!
Wow dear, I never thought our son would go so far I know, that catapult is really something. I’ll go get our daughter
The doctors say I don't know when to stop EDIT: wow thank you for the one upvote kind stranger
Dad: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valet when they grow up! Doctor: wow that's the worse case of parking sons disease I've come across.
Why didn't the monk sell his temple?
*Because it had no monastery value.*
Thought of this one on my own while playing WoW a couple days ago and I'm pretty sure it hasn't been told before. I like corny jokes. I Googled it and didn't find anything (:
A clown and a five year old boy are walking into the woods
As they get deeper into the forest the little boy says, Wow it's scary in here!
The clown replies, What are you scared of, I gotta walk out of here alone!
That's a nice sham-wow you got there... It would be a shame if someone replaced the wow with the letter e
A man and a boy are walking through the dark woods together
Boy: Wow this is really scary
Man: How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone!!!
My friend's WoW character couldn't go forward anymore. You'll never guess what he said !? " wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww"
A gorgeous blonde is stranded on an island...
Two cannibals, father and son, find her.
The son says to the father: Wow dad! She is beautiful! Are we going to eat her?
To which the father replies: No son. Don't be silly, we're keeping her. We're eating your mother.
Wow a lot of police in my neighbourhood tonight... Apparently, the barber got arrested. He was dealing in drugs and running an escort service. Crazy how you think that you know someone, have been customer for years! Never knew he was a barber too...
A long lost friend came back to me weighting 100 more pounds
I said wow you look more energic!
He askes why
I explained E=MC²
He's "Physicaly" more "attractive"!
Wow Peter! You have changed a lot during the last years!
"Wow Peter! You have changed a lot during the last years!"
"My name is not Peter..."
"Oh you've also changed your name?!"
Our daughter said I'm too nosy!
Husband: wow she really said that?
Me: no but I read it in her diary
Robin Hood hands over stolen goods to the poor man
Man: Wow thank you robin hood, now i'm rich!
Robin: *squints* you're what?
What did the redditor say after detonating a bomb inside a bank ?
Edit: WOW THIS BLEW UP! THANKS FOR THE GOLD!
Edit 2: .....
Edit 3: .....
Edit 4: .....
Someone just left a safe with some dynamite on top and ran away. Edit: wow this exploded! Thanks for the gold, stranger!
Wow I just found out the tyres can be recycled into condoms.
One tyre is the average use for a couple for a year, must a Goodyear then!
The Public: Wow that guys an idiot
Also the Public: Lets immortalize him
Some other idiot: I should try that out
Abdul was aboard his first flight
Abdul to air hostess: hey can you tell me my seat number
AH: it is number 4 in aisle C
Abdul: wow what a coincidence lol
On my first date, she asked me what am I doing currently
Me : I am right now in the process of eliminating all cancers
Her : Wow thats great!
Me : yep, after cancer it will be virgo
If Rage Against the Machine had a farm
Bow Wow Chicken Bow Wow Chicken Chicken Chicken Bow Wow Chicken Bow Wow
COME WIT IT NOW!!!
I have known my girlfriend, Edith, for three years now and today I finally bought her a gold ring for our anniversary. Edith: wow thank you, that is my first gold!
What did redditor say after he detonated his homemade bomb at the bank vault and had the teller give him the goods? Wow this blew up! Thanks for the gold kind stranger!
Doctor: wow cancer is easy to beat, huh?
Doctor: well you’re already on stage 4
My mom made a horrible joke the other day and I said "oh wow look at this comedic genius" She then replied to me saying "of course I am one. I mean I made you"
Boss: Hey great job today! I’ll make sure there’s something a little different on your paycheck next week.
Employee: Wow really?!
Boss: Yea, the date.
her: take off my bra
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Kid 1: What does quar-an-tine mean?
Kid 2: Dunno let's ask the guy inside.
EDIT: Wow thanks so much! My 24 year old drunk sister made this!
A black guy and his parrot walk into a bar
The bartender says wow that's really cool where did you get it
The parrot says Africa
Broccoli: I look like a tree
Mushroom: wow I look like an umbrella!
Wallnut: I look exactly like a brain!
Banana: Man can we change the topic please
*racist joke be careful*
A black guy comes into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder
Barman says: Wow that is something really special! Where did you get it?
Africa - Says the parrot
wow thank you so much!
edit: thanks for the silver kind redditor!
edit: OMG thanks for the gold!
edit: thanks for 2k upvotes!
edit: thanks for 12k upvotes!!
You know how when you start to pee and it’s pretty clear so you’re thinking wow I’m pretty hydrated, cool! And then you keep going and it gets continuously darker and darker. This is life.
Tiger woods was being interviewed about his dalliances
Reporter: How many women did you sleep with?
Reporter: Wow that half a round of golf?
Tiger: Full round actually, your forgetting about the back nine.
Teacher: Do you know what an esimate is?
Student: Not exactly
Student: About what?
Teacher: also correct
Student: I guess
Teacher: wow you really know your stuff
My boss arrived at work in a brand new Lamborghini My Boss arrived at work in a brand new Lamborghini. I said wow that's an amazing car. He replied, "if you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year"
my new phone makes me feel like a crack dealer
...mainly because I use it to sell crack.
edit: wow didn't expect this post to blow up
Not all heroes where capes...
Her: So what do you do for a living?
Him: I work for a multi-billion dollar company that specializes in delivering food to civilians across the world.
Her: Wow that sounds so exciting. What is it?