Wow Jokes


Funniest Wow Jokes

Funny Wow Jokes

(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

Edit: wow this blew up!
thanks for the gold!!!

6 was afraid of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9? Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.

EDIT: Wow RIP inbox, thanks for the love guys.

Dad: Son, you're adopted. Son: Oh wow I wonder who my real parents are.

Dad: We are your real parents, your adopted parents are coming to pick you up.

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? One. We are efficient and dont have humour.

Edit: Wow this blew up. As a German, I didnt expect this.

What does a girl want more than anything in the world? Nothing. She's fine.

Edit: Wow guys. Thanks so much for the upvotes, the hilarious comments and I finally got my 1st gold!

My girlfriend is like an iPhone 7. I wish I had an iPhone 7.

edit: wow really this is the best thing I've ever done huh whelp I guess it's okay to peak at 24.

What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?... Their knees.

(Not sure if this one translates well to english)

EDIT: Wow guys I didn't think you would like this joke that much. This was something I read on a book like 6 years ago. Thanks!

What do Japanese cannibals eat Rawmen

Edit: Wow my first post is actually doing pretty well.
Thanks for upvotes and comments. I really don't know how to react.

How many LGBT supporters does it take to change a lightbulb? The lightbulb is fine the way it is. Society just needs to change the way it looks at it.

Edit: Wow front page. Didn't expect this big a response.

I am suicide bomber AMA Wow this blew up fast.

Wow I got all this for free today. iPhone, some weed, and $2 000 ... it’s like this gun is magic!

My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture. Wow thanks I'm cured.

A black guy walks into a bar with a huge parrot on his shoulder. Barman says “Oh wow I’ve never seen one like that before, where did you get him from?”

Parrot says “Africa, there’s loads of them over there”

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say before he began his chess game? "I'll be black."

EDIT: If it gets me any sympathy upvotes, I'll mention I made this one up myself.

EDIT 2: Wow this is my first front page post ever!! Thanks guys!

Hiroshima Edit: Wow this blew up!

What did the robber say after blowing open the bank safe? Wow this blew up, thanks for the gold!

What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest? Bombi.

EDIT: Wow this blew up

About to mix gasoline with a lit match, AMA EDIT: Wow this blew up!

What did the redditor say after setting off the bomb at the bank Edit: wow this blew up thanks for the gold kind stranger

Little Old Lady A: Knock Knock.

B: Who's there?

A: Little old lady.

B: Little old lady who?

A: Wow you're a pretty good yodeler!

I'll see myself out now.

Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend. **Friend:** wow thanks. I'm rich!

**Robin [narrows eyes]:** you’re what???

how many mexicans does it take to build oh wow theyre done

They said I'm overconfident. Edit 1: Thanks for the gold!

Edit 2: Thanks for the platinum!

Edit 3: Wow this blew up!

Wow honey, I never thought our son would go that far! You're right, the catapult is amazing! Go get our daughter!

Wow dear, I never thought our son would go so far I know, that catapult is really something. I’ll go get our daughter

The doctors say I don't know when to stop EDIT: wow thank you for the one upvote kind stranger

Dad: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valet when they grow up! Doctor: wow that's the worse case of parking sons disease I've come across.

Why didn't the monk sell his temple? *Because it had no monastery value.*

Thought of this one on my own while playing WoW a couple days ago and I'm pretty sure it hasn't been told before. I like corny jokes. I Googled it and didn't find anything (:

A clown and a five year old boy are walking into the woods As they get deeper into the forest the little boy says, Wow it's scary in here!
The clown replies, What are you scared of, I gotta walk out of here alone!

That's a nice sham-wow you got there... It would be a shame if someone replaced the wow with the letter e

A man and a boy are walking through the dark woods together Boy: Wow this is really scary

Man: How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone!!!

My friend's WoW character couldn't go forward anymore. You'll never guess what he said !? " wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww"

Me: Wow look at that rock Him: Boulder

Me: **𝗪𝗼𝘄 𝗹𝗼𝗼𝗸 𝗮𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗿𝗼𝗰𝗸**

A gorgeous blonde is stranded on an island... Two cannibals, father and son, find her.
The son says to the father: Wow dad! She is beautiful! Are we going to eat her?
To which the father replies: No son. Don't be silly, we're keeping her. We're eating your mother.

Wow a lot of police in my neighbourhood tonight... Apparently, the barber got arrested. He was dealing in drugs and running an escort service. Crazy how you think that you know someone, have been customer for years! Never knew he was a barber too...

A long lost friend came back to me weighting 100 more pounds I said wow you look more energic!

He askes why

I explained E=MC²

He's "Physicaly" more "attractive"!

Wow Peter! You have changed a lot during the last years! "Wow Peter! You have changed a lot during the last years!"
"My name is not Peter..."
"Oh you've also changed your name?!"

Our daughter said I'm too nosy! Husband: wow she really said that?
Me: no but I read it in her diary

My grandads old place has this old fence that for some reason seems to be impossible to remove. Tonight I'm going to try explosives Edit: Wow I didnt expect this post to blow up as much as it did!

Popular Topics

New Wow Jokes

Robin Hood hands over stolen goods to the poor man Man: Wow thank you robin hood, now i'm rich!

Robin: *squints* you're what?

What did the redditor say after detonating a bomb inside a bank ? Edit: WOW THIS BLEW UP! THANKS FOR THE GOLD!

Edit 2: .....

Edit 3: .....

Edit 4: .....

Someone just left a safe with some dynamite on top and ran away. Edit: wow this exploded! Thanks for the gold, stranger!

Wow you’re as bright as the sun! When I stare at you my eyes hurt.

Wow Interesting Coronavirus has actually lowered the overall death toll in Chicago

I wasn’t sure what to expect from the postman But wow did he deliver

Tyre recycling Wow I just found out the tyres can be recycled into condoms.

One tyre is the average use for a couple for a year, must a Goodyear then!

The Public: Wow that guys an idiot Also the Public: Lets immortalize him
Some other idiot: I should try that out

Abdul was aboard his first flight Abdul to air hostess: hey can you tell me my seat number

AH: it is number 4 in aisle C

Abdul: wow what a coincidence lol

On my first date, she asked me what am I doing currently Me : I am right now in the process of eliminating all cancers

Her : Wow thats great!

Me : yep, after cancer it will be virgo

If Rage Against the Machine had a farm Bow Wow Chicken Bow Wow Chicken Chicken Chicken Bow Wow Chicken Bow Wow


I have known my girlfriend, Edith, for three years now and today I finally bought her a gold ring for our anniversary. Edith: wow thank you, that is my first gold!

What did the redditor say after he robbed the bank? Edit: wow thanks for the gold!

What did redditor say after he detonated his homemade bomb at the bank vault and had the teller give him the goods? Wow this blew up! Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

Ye Doctor: wow cancer is easy to beat, huh?
Patient: What?
Doctor: well you’re already on stage 4
***Intensity Intensifies***

My mom made a horrible joke the other day and I said "oh wow look at this comedic genius" She then replied to me saying "of course I am one. I mean I made you"

What did the earth say to all the other planets? Wow you guys have no life.

What did the Fort Knox bomber say? Wow this blew up thanks for the gold

What did everyone say when the shovel was invented? Wow that's a groundbreaking idea!

A third of my WoW (World of Warcraft) clan was decimated last night. oW!!!

Boss: Hey great job today! I’ll make sure there’s something a little different on your paycheck next week. Employee: Wow really?!

Boss: Yea, the date.

Take off her: take off my bra

me: ok

her: take off my panties

me: wow ok

her: stop wearing my clothes

Kid 1: What does quar-an-tine mean? Kid 2: Dunno let's ask the guy inside.


EDIT: Wow thanks so much! My 24 year old drunk sister made this!

A black guy and his parrot walk into a bar The bartender says wow that's really cool where did you get it

The parrot says Africa

Wow a lot of people are talking about Chernobyl recently I think it's blown up

Broccoli: I look like a tree Mushroom: wow I look like an umbrella!

Wallnut: I look exactly like a brain!

Banana: Man can we change the topic please

*racist joke be careful* A black guy comes into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder
Barman says: Wow that is something really special! Where did you get it?
Africa - Says the parrot

wow thank you so much! edit: thanks for the silver kind redditor!

edit: OMG thanks for the gold!

edit: thanks for 2k upvotes!

edit: thanks for 12k upvotes!!

Isis Edit: wow this really blew up!

You know how when you start to pee and it’s pretty clear so you’re thinking wow I’m pretty hydrated, cool! And then you keep going and it gets continuously darker and darker. This is life.

Tiger woods was being interviewed about his dalliances Reporter: How many women did you sleep with?
Tiger: nine.
Reporter: Wow that half a round of golf?
Tiger: Full round actually, your forgetting about the back nine.

Wow are you a sponge? Cause you're self absorbed

Teacher: Do you know what an esimate is? Student: Not exactly
Teacher: correct
Student: About what?
Teacher: also correct
Student: I guess
Teacher: wow you really know your stuff

WOW last Time i came this early i became an Uncle

My boss arrived at work in a brand new Lamborghini My Boss arrived at work in a brand new Lamborghini. I said wow that's an amazing car. He replied, "if you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year"

Father: wow son you're really dressed up! What's that around your neck? Son: it's a Tide Ad

my new phone makes me feel like a crack dealer ...mainly because I use it to sell crack.

edit: wow didn't expect this post to blow up

Not all heroes where capes... Her: So what do you do for a living?

Him: I work for a multi-billion dollar company that specializes in delivering food to civilians across the world.

Her: Wow that sounds so exciting. What is it?

Him: Dominoes

The word mom looks like wow upside down Just like your mom

Yoda lady Knock Knock

Who's there

Yoda lady

Yoda lady who?

*applause* wow nice yodeling!

Popular Topics

Long Wow Jokes

What is the difference between Ajit Pai and Hitler?

Hitler was doing what he thought was best for his country.

Edit: I'm getting a lot of comments that the comparison is very inaccurate and Hitler was much worse than Pai. To those people, I invite you to check which sub you are currently on. The results will shock you!

Edit 2: Wow so many people still don't get that it's a *joke*...

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waiving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, nothing has really caught my eye quite yet.

SK: Well we have all kinds of wonderful products but to me, it looks like you are a man of sophistication and great taste, and I think I have a new product that could be perfect for you sent here personally by Mr. Wonka just today.

Man: Mr. Wonka you say, you have my attention.

SK: He noticed that laffy taffy was only bringing joy to the younger customers so he developed a mint with a nice calming flavour and while it's dissolving in your mouth it tells you a joke.

Man: That actually sounds pretty nice, I haven't heard a decent joke in a while.

SK: Why don't I let you try a few to see what you think.

The man puts one in his mouth and starts to smile and by the end of the mint he is letting out a decent laugh.

Man: That wasn't half bad, may I try another?

SK: Be my guest.

As the second dissolves in the man's mouth he is almost in tears from laughing, and he can barely catch his breath.

Man: WOW these are fantastic, Mr. Wonka outdid himself with these, laffy taffy definitely could never compare in flavour or quality of jokes. I don't know how but I bet the best jokes are always in the calm mints.

15 Year Old Boy Comes Home With A Porsche

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream,

"Where did you get that car?"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents.

"We know what a Porsche costs.."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they asked.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. Don't know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

**Edit**: Wow this blew up, thanks guys. I had no intention of copying or re-posting this joke. I saw it earlier, and hadn't heard of it in a while. I decided to share it with you guys and the community!

There are 2 people on a boat…

There are two people on a boat; they have three cigarettes. However, they don't have a lighter. What do they do?

They throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat *became a cigarette lighter!*

Edit: Wow this blew up. I suppose we can use the explosion to light the cigarette now.

A Couple is Walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve...

A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining," says the man.

"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the main. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?

"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.

The man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

EDIT: Wow thank you everyone! My first post that got more THEN 1 UPVOTE! :D

Did you hear that Auschwitz had to ask visitors to stop playing Pokemon Go?

They got tired of people pretending to be Ash.

Edit: Wow thank you for the gold mates! Hopefully none of you Jews will try to steal it from me... kidding.

For those of you who were offended... please try to take it easy. It's a joke. You should find humor in everything. Life's more fun that way.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden: Why did the chicken do the...thing in know the rest.

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

KING DAVID: O Lord, why dost the chicken cross the road? And why art the chicken hawks beset around it? Surely in vain the road is crossed in the sight of any predator.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Edit: wow I’m so glad you guys are enjoying this, and my first gold!! Thank you!!!

Little Timmy was told that everybody has a secret.

Little Timmy was told at school today, that everybody had a secret, so dark that they would do anything to keep it a secret.

So he decided to test this out.

He went to his mom and looked straight into her eyes and said : Mom I know your secret.
And without a moment passing his mom burst in tears and handed him 20 dollars, telling him to keep the secret to himself.

With 20 dollars in his pocket, he was quick running to his father, staring at him the way he stared at his mom stating : Dad... I know your secret.

With shaking hands his dad, grabbed his wallet from his pocket, dragging out a 100 dollar bill, handing it to Timmy , stating. "Don´t tell anyone about it".

Could this be? Timmy thought to himself and wow already got 120 bucks for this. And as he was going outside he was greeted by the post man.

Thinking that he could gain a quick buck he stared intensely at the mail man and with a clear sound voice he said to him. " I know your secret "

And in that same moment the postman, fell to his knee´s. "Come here son, I am so happy you finally know!"

So the boy said "Grandpa"

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

EDIT: Wow this made top page, thanks guys ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

After finally turning old enough, a life long train lover finally becomes a train conductor

He was so excited on his first day, he was ready to do the best he could. As he was conducting however, he accidentally got distracted and somehow made the train crash into an office and killed 7 people.

He had to go to court of course and the jury declared him as guilty and the judge gave him the death sentence.

The day finally comes and he enters the electric chair room. They ask for his last meal and he asks for one banana. He eats the banana and goes to the chair. They shock him but somehow after the shock he's still alive.

Everyone in the room is like "Oh wow he lived, welp i guess we'll let him go." So off he goes back into the world (with a really poor legal system). He decides that he still wants to be a train conductor.

So he goes back to being one, he's so confident nothing will go wrong this time. Aaaand then he crashed again, killing even more people.

He went back to court again and of course the judge gave him the death sentence.

He goes back into the death chamber he was once in, and this time for his last meal he asks for just two bananas. He eats them and goes to the chair. They really dont want him to live so they push the electricity even higher this time. However once again he lives. Everyone in the room is so astonished they dont do anything when he walks out.

So this absolute madman decides to conduct trains again. What do you know he messes up again. So he goes to court and all that and he's back in the death chamber. When they ask what he wants for his final meal he says that he wants three bananas. They say "No you can't have your bananas, every time you've had them you survive the execution."

They don't give him his bananas or any other choice for a last meal and throw him into the chair. They crank the electricity up to full power and sparks fly everywhere, the room is filled with smoke. When the smoke clears, he's just sitting there smiling, unscathed. They're so confused and even scared, they ask him how he somehow survived a dose of electricity that should kill anything it touches. His answer?

"Well really im just not a good conductor."

Sorry for the long and probably badly written joke

You have three wishes...but there's a catch

A business man briskly weaves in and out of the morning rush to make it to his building. He breaks right to take a shortcut down a less-traveled alleyway. He kicks a pile of crumpled newspaper out of his path, but his shoe hits a hard and heavy object. Suddenly a gust of wind and a flash of light exposes a beautiful golden lamp as a powerful genie erupts from it.

"You have three wishes. Choose wisely."

"Oh wow this is great! Ok um--"

The genie interupts, "For everything you wish, your mother-in-law receives twice."

A little disappointed, the greedy business man takes another moment to rethink his first wish. But, there was simply no way around it.

"Okay genie, I wish that I was the CEO of my company."

The man's wish is granted, but alas, his already narcissistic mother-in-law is now the CEO of **two** big companies.

Behind a devilish grin the man in the nice suit says, "I wish to have the most beautiful woman as my girlfriend."

Somewhere in another part of the United States, a confused mother-in-law shoos two beautiful lesbians from off her front porch.

Preparing for his last wish, the man takes a few minutes to think things through.

"I've got it, Genie. I want you to beat me half to death." *

\* "I would like to be beaten such that if my mother-in-law were to receive the exact same beating twice, she would die, immediately, from her injuries, but also such that I could easily survive just one of these beatings." /u/Brawldud

During the annual cavemen conference ...

Greg : so I kept rubbing this rock against another rock until it became very thin and now I can cut vegetables,meat using this . I call this "The Knife" .

Chief Gogo : wow , I thought no-one can beat Gorg's invention of using wheat flour and water to create a new food called "bread" but yours is a worthy contender

Greg " that's not it ,chief "

And then places a piece of bread on the stone and takes the knife in his hand

" What I'm about to do will blow your mind " .

A rich man and a horse

There was a rich man that was driving past a farm, He looked over and saw a beautiful stallion standing in the field. The rich man thought, Wow I gotta have him so he pulled into the farm's entrance. He found the owner and said, "I want that horse out yonder in that field, how much do you want for him?" Well, the farmer said, "He don't look to good." Nonsense said the rich man "I'll pay you $1000 for him." But he don't look to good said the farmer. The rich man sighed and said $2000 dollars is my final offer. The farmer sold the beautiful horse to the rich man. Then one week later the rich man came back angry as ever and said, "Darn you you sold me a blind horse!" Then the farmer smiled and said "I told you, he didn't look too good!"

An Irishman is talking with an American at a Music Festival

Irishman: I tell ya man it sucks that we're not allowed to bring our own beer into this festival. All of the beer here is so goddamn overpriced.

American: I know what you mean my friend, so in this case I'll help you out.

*The American pulls out a pair of binoculars and un caps the lenses to reveal alcohol*

American: These custom made binoculars are perfect for smuggling two cans worth of beer practically anywhere that prohibits bringing in your own alchohol

Irishman: Wow that's genius! Nobody would ever suspect someone to be smuggling alcohol through binoculars!

American: Yep, my buddy a few miles south from here makes these products for a living.

*The American hands the Irishman a business card with an address. The next day at the music festival the Irishman returns to the American upset and empty handed on alcohol*

American: What's wrong my friend?

Irishman: The binoculars didn't work, instead all they did was raise more attention to me.

American: But how?

Irishman: I don't know but the security people at the entrance said that "I looked suspicious with those binoculars," so they confiscated all 50 of my binoculars.

A man in is a golf course locker room when...

He hears a cell phone ringing and picks it up

"Hi Honey how was golfing?"

"Good. How is your day going?"

"Good. I was wondering if I could buy this necklace for $250 is that okay?"

"Of course! Put it on my card."

"Since you're in such a good mood, can we get the new Mercedes we have been talking about?"

"Of course go to the dealership right after and put a down payment down!"

" Wow you must have played a good round of golf! Now I know you really didn't want to go on vacation to Italy but maybe your golf has changed your mind?"

"It has indeed. Book us first class tickets and get us the nicest hotel you can get!"

" Oh my god that sounds amazing honey, I can't wait to see you when you get back."

The phone call then ends and he puts down the phone.

He then looks around and says:

"Anyone know whose phone this is?"

Edit: Mistake

What's with all the clocks?

A man who recently died had a meeting with God. He was waiting outside, looking at a large wall of clocks outside his office. God stepped out to invite him inside.

**M:** Hey, what's with all these clocks?

**G:** Ah, this is the wall shows every lie everyone has ever told. The lies are represented by clocks. Every time someone tells a lie, the clock moves 1 minute.

**M:** Wow there's a lot of people up here. Look, George Washington's clock never moved! Mine is at 2:27.... Hmm. Hey, where's Donald Trump's clock?

**G:** Oh, I keep that in my office and use it as a fan!

There was a family of moles underground.

They were just relaxing down there when the father mole pokes his head out the hole and says “wow, I smell sugar”. The mother mole is interested so she pokes her head out the hole and exclaims” wow I smell glucose!” Then the mother mole calls her son over and he says “ holy cow I smell fructose!” The sister mole wants to catch a whiff of the smell and climbs to the hole. Sadly the hole is clogged by her family and she said “ all I smell is molasses”

A Man asks his lover in a restaurant

Man : Honey, what do you love most about me?

Woman : I love your company the most darling!

Man : Wow really? that is so sweet of you my love

Woman : Um, it's still making money right?
*edit :forgot to mention that I remember this joke from Benny Hills show, not my own joke

*edit 2 : Benny Hills not Benn, autocorrect strikes again!

Ed and Nancy met on a singles cruise.

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heals for her. When they discovered they live the same city Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, movies, restaurants, concerts, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed Nancy to a fine restaurant. wow having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I like a little serious thought before our relationship continues to the next stage. So before I get out a box from my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I am a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breath golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as who you are and I love golf too; but, if we are being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last 5 years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see." Ed replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a minute. Deep in serious thought then he added, "you know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

Edit: spelling

Two men are walking through the forest

And they stumble across a deep hole in the ground. They think wow that's a really deep hole. One of them says "I wonder how deep that hole is" . The other guy says "I took AP physics in high school I know what we can do. Let's find something heavy and drop it into the hole. Then, we listen to see how long it takes to hit the bottom. I can calculate the depth from that." So they both wander around the forest looking for something heavy. Then they find a rusty anvil Laying on the ground. They think it's odd to find an anvil in the forest, but bring it to the hole anyways. They drop it into the hole and listen for it to hit the bottom. Suddenly, a goat comes running through the trees and jumps straight into the hole. Since the guys were distracted by the goat, they didn't hear the anvil hit the bottom. So, they give up and keep hiking. They hike for a while, and start hearing someone yelling "Ana! Ana!" They meet this farmer and ask what he can't find. He says his goat Ana is missing. The guys told him about the goat who jumped into the pit, and the farmer tells them. "Oh she can't go very far, she was tied to an anvil"

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