Vegan Jokes

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Funniest Vegan Jokes

A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!" I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."






credits to Adele Cliff, from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Link in the comments

Funny Vegan Jokes

A vegan said to me, people who sell meat are disgusting I replied, people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.

A vegan said to me, "People who sell meat are disgusting." I said, "People who sell vegetables and fruits are grocer."

The first rule of vegan fight club. Tell everyone about vegan fight club.

Edit: Credit goes to Aba and Preach on YouTube.

Yo momma is so vegan and fat... ..that she ate a meal and got arrested for deforestation.

Did you hear about the vegan transgender? He was a herbefore.

What's the hardest part of making a vegan pizza? Skinning the vegan.

AITA for mixing up orders and serving a vegan customer a meat sandwich? Oops wrong sub

I'm 95% vegan now... Basically, I'm vegan all the time. Except when I'm eating

Why did the vegan cross the road? To tell someone he was a vegan.

My roommate's cellphone broke He wants me to let you guys know he's vegan

This girl was handing out vegan pamphlets when she said she recognized me I said I never met herbivore

A vegan said to me, "People who sell meat are disgusting!" I said, "People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer."

The clitoris has over 8000 nerve endings But it's still not as sensitive as a vegan on social media

First rule of Vegan club: You tell everyone about Vegan club.

Have you guys heard the one about the vegan transgender? He was a her-before

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting. I said people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.

My brother's girlfriend is vegan I haven't met herbivore.

A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill... A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat.

I think if he had to build his own computer he'd wouldn't whine on Facebook.

I have a vegan girlfriend... and she's nice and all, but sometimes I think she just looks at me like a piece of carrot

If someone is a vegan and does CrossFit... Which do they have to tell you first?

Two cows walk into a vegan bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."

Why did the vegan cross the road? To tell somebody else that he's a vegan.

My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.

What do you call a vegan lion? Dead

A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!" I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."

What does a vegan zombie eat? Graaains

A crossfit enthused, bitcoin investing vegan walks into a bar... Oh, they already told you about it too?

This chick came up to me and claimed she recognized me from a vegan meeting but I'd never met herbivore

A crossfitter, an atheist, and a vegan walk into a bar I only know because they told everyone.

Why did the vegan cross the road? To tell someone they're vegan.

Q: What do vegan zombies eat? A: "GRAAAAAIIIIIIIINS!"

If only the first rule of Vegan club Was not to talk about Vegan club

A vegan said to me: People who sell meat are gross. I replied: People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.

My GF has changed a lot since she became vegan It's like I've never met herbivore.

The first rule of vegan club Always talk about vegan club

A vegan told me that people who eat meat are disgusting I said, 'people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.'

A vegan buddhist... ...decides to jump off the roof of a meat factory as the ultimate form of protest believing that he will be reincarnated. He became a vegetable.

A vegan once told me..... A vegan once told me that eating meat was gross..... I then replied a man who sells fruit and vegetables is grocer.

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New Vegan Jokes

What did the vegan say when he heard about George Floyd? i’m vegan

Jokes Vegan hot dogs are basically the strap on of food .




You want the sausage but not the meat

I like my coffee like I like my women. Lactose free.

(It's a wholesome vegan joke)

A vegan and a cross fitter walk into a bar together I knew within five minutes because they told me.

I've found that vegan meals require a blender It makes them easy to pour down the sink

What is the difference between being a vegan and suffering from the novel coronavirus? In the case of COVID-19, the loss of sense of taste is only temporary.

Vegan witches be like ear of corn! Eye of Potato!

What is a vegan Viking called? A Norvegan

Vegan lady and a butcher A vegan lady went on a blind date with a man. She asked him what do you do for a living. He said he is a butcher. The lady said "eww that's grouse".
The butcher replied "a person who sells vegetables is grocer".

Dracula is vegan for 1 reason.. Stake kills him.

A vegan could depose Kim Jong Un right now... They eat vegetables like him for breakfast.

I turned up to what was supposed to be a vegan gathering but there was no meet.

Whats the difference between a North Korean Hospital and a Vegan Restaurant? Nothing, They both serve up Vegetables

What do vegan zombies eat? GRAINNNSSS!!

What are the similarities between vegan cheese and female celebrity? They’re both full of plastic.

I ran into a girl in a vegan restaurant who said she knew me But I never met herbivore

I was thinking about going vegan But it makes my stomach falafel

My elderly vegan neighbor is now so scared of COVID I regret telling him that it stands for "Call Old Vegans Into Death".

Where can you find a vegan cannibal? Eyeing some patients in the ICU

I tried going vegan for a while... It didn’t take long for me to realise it was a missed steak

Zombies What does a vegan zombie say?

"Grains! Grains! Grains!...

When I caught my vegan babysitter, Mary Poppins, eating a lamb chop... When I caught my vegan babysitter, Mary Poppins, eating a lamb chop she begged me to keep it a secret.

​

What was I going to say? "Mary had a little lamb"?

A vegan activist walks into a bar. I only knew he was a vegan activist because he told everyone within two minutes.

What's the similarity between a person in coma and a vegan person? They're both in vegetative state.

What's the song they sing at the end of vegan High School Musical? Bacon-free.

How does a vegan begin grace before a meal? Lettuce pray!

Lewis Hamilton is vegan Or as we now call him, ‘Lewis ilton’

A vegan asked me what I feel when I shoot a deer. Recoil.

Why did the vegan cross the road? To say that they’re vegan

What is the favourite city of people who refuse to consume animal products? Las Vegan

Everyone knows of famous martial artist, Bruce Lee He also had a brother, the revolutionary vegan activist, Brocco Lee

Have you ever heard about Draculas vegan brother Count Rucola?

I told my doctor I wanted to start a vegan keto diet. She told me "that's nuts."

What do you call a vegan stir fry pan? A *Woke Wok*!!

In order to put a bit of flavour in my vegan curry I put ginger in it .

The neighbours bloody loved that cat but my curry was bang on!

Heard about the vegan girl who recently went from dating guys to dating girls only? Yeah, shes beyond meat.

What does a cannibalistic vegan eat? A greengrocer.

What do you call a vegan with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter™️

What do you call a vegan chicken strip? A chicken pretender

What did the vegan zombie eat when he had a horrible headache? My grrrrrraaaaaainnnnnns

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Long Vegan Jokes

A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit and vegetables​ are grocer.

Edit: sorry I didn't give credit at the time I wasn't sure if I was meant to or not, anyway's someone kindly posted the link in the comments for anyone interested :)

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put all the veggies she wants on it, I start to wrap up her sandwich when she says, "can I get some mayo?"

...

I look at her, she's looking at me, I pick up the mayo, I'm waiting for her to be like haha jk.

Nothing.

Me: "You know mayonnaise has eggs in it right?"

THIS. GIRL. JUST. STOOD. THERE. SILENT.

She stood there for a second.

V: "N-no it doesn't, I get mayo every time, are you sure?"

Me: "Yes ma'am, mayo has egg whites in it."

I felt so horrible, she stood there with such a distraught and defeated face, I had shattered this poor girl's world.

I had a couple people waiting so I had to get this lady out of here.

Me: "Would you like the mayo on it ma'am?"

V: "Sure, go ahead."

She sounded so done, so defeated,

So I gave her her mayo, wrapped her sandwich up and charged her for her sandwich, she was silent the whole time. She took her sandwich and started walking out.

Me: "Thank you for coming, have a nice day!"

She just looked at me, sighed, "yea, I'll try" and walked out.

And that's the story of how I taught a vegan that mayonnaise is, in fact, not vegan.

A Black man dies and goes to heaven...

A man named John dies and awakens at the gates of heaven. He is promptly judged as worthy and let in. John is led to his old childhood home and sees his wife waiting for him on the front porch, looking as beautiful as the day he met her. He's delighted to see her and they embrace.

So they spend the next few weeks frolicking though heaven, meeting the many other residents, and exploring. Then, John notices something weird. Other people seem to see things differently. For instance, his wife sees all the flowers he gives her as roses, her favorites. Or how a new vegan friend commented on how happy he was that there was no meat in heaven, while John had a burger the night before.

John eventually figures out that heaven would shift to suit the individual. Things they like would appear and things they didn't would appear differently. He shares the hypothesis with his wife, who tells him she'd figured the same thing.

Soon after this discovery, John and his wife are walking and they get separated. He sets off to find her and stumbles upon a massive wall. He tries to find an opening but it's just a big circle with no entrance. He's so curious that he decides to scale it. When he gets to the top, John sees what looks to be just another part of heaven. As he's about to go over, a hand grabs him by the ankle and pulls him back outside the wall.

He turns to his wife, who grabbed him, and asks her why.

She shushes him and says, "Don't do that! The Mormons don't know anyone else is here!"

Poor little Rabbit

A vegan is driving his Escalade down the highway and as he turns a corner he spots a rabbit run out in front of him. He locks up the brakes and skids side to side, desperately tries to not run over the rabbit. The rabbit takes a couple hops to the left and SPLAT! The front right tire flattens the bunny.

Moments later the vegan is sitting on the side of the road, hands in his face, tears pouring down his cheeks over committing murder. He sees another car approach and stop near him. A salesman type gets out of his Buick and rushes up to the scene of the accident. "What happened!"

"It was horrible! I was driving along...I tried to stop...but I killed this poor, defenseless bunny! I don't know what to do! I can't call the police! I have no cell service!"

The salesman looks at the flat rabbit, then looks at the crying vegan, looks back to the rabbit again, thinks for a moment then smiles "Don't worry buddy. I got just the thing!"

The salesman runs to the trunk of his car and digs around for five minutes. He pulls out an aerosol can and races back to the vegan who is now standing over the rabbit.

The salesman sprays the rabbit and amazingly, it suddenly twitches. He sprays again and the rabbit flips over once and lays still. He sprays it for a good minute and suddenly the rabbit springs to life! It shakes it's head, smiles at the two standing there, gives a little wave and proceeds to hop down the highway. After about twenty feet, the rabbit stops, turns and waves at them again then continues on his way. The rabbit stops once again, turns and waves at the two and continues once again down the highway.

The salesman and vegan watch the bunny hop away into the sunset as it stops every so often and wave back at them.

When the rabbit is finally out of sight the vegan turns to the salesman "That was beautiful and amazing! What is in that can? You should make millions selling it! What is it?"

The salesman holds the can up with a smile "Hare restorer with a permanent wave"

Dave's Funniest Joke of the Fringe

I've seen a couple of these already, but these are the top 10 funniest jokes from Edinburgh Fringe 2018:

"Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day." - Adam Rowe

"I had a job drilling holes for water - it was well boring" - Leo Kearse

"I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed" - Olaf Falafel

"In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me" - Daniel Audritt

"What do colour blind people do when they are told to eat their greens?" - Flo and Joan

"I've got a new job collecting all the jumpers left in the park at the weekends, but it's not easy. They keep moving the goalposts" - Darren Walsh

"Trump said he'd build a wall but he hasn't even picked up a brick. He's just another middle-aged man failing on a DIY project" - Justin Moorhouse

"I lost a friend after we had an argument about the Tardis. I thought it was a little thing, but it seemed much bigger once we got into it" - Adele Cliff

"Why are they calling it Brexit and not The Great British Break Off?" - Alex Edelman

"I think love is like central heating. You turn it on before guests arrive and pretend it's like this all the time" - Laura Lexx

The Purple Violet

(My sincerest apologies if this has been posted before. It’s pretty old, so it’s likely a version of it has, but I’ve never seen it here.)

Timmy was starting kindergarten, and on his first day he was pretty nervous.
First, the students went around and said their names, and something fun about them.
“I’m Mary, and I like dolls!” said Mary.
“I’m Johnny, and I like action figures!” said Johnny.
When it was Timmy’s turn, he said, “I’m Timmy, and I like basketball!”
Later when it was time for gym, Timmy was delighted to find that he was a basketball superstar. He was sinking every three he shot, dunking on his classmates like a mini Michael Jordan. He was disappointed when gym ended, but when they got back to class, it was circle time.
“Let’s all hear about your favorite kinds of flowers,” the teacher said.
“Mine is the rose!” said Mary.
“Mine is the daisy!” said Johnny.
When it was Timmy’s turn, he said, “My favorite flower is the purple violet!”
Suddenly, all if his classmates started screaming, and the teacher send Timmy straight to the office.
When Timmy’s mother picked him up, she was seething. She said, “Timmy, it’s your first ever day of school. What did you do to get expelled on your first day?”
“Well,” Timmy said, who was now even more confused, “I was pretty nervous for my first day of school. First we all said our names and something about ourselves. Mary said she likes dolls, Johnny said he likes action figures, and I said I like basketball.”
“Then what happened?” asked his mother.
“Then we went to the gym, and I found out I was really good at basketball. I was sinking every three I shot and dunking on the other kids like a mini Michael Jordan.”
“Then what happened?” asked his mother, who by then was confused as well.
“Then we had circle time and we had to say our favorite flower. Mary said her’s was the rose. Johnny said his was the daisy. I said my favorite flower is the purple violet.”
As soon as the words left Timmy’s mouth, his mother pulled the car over, threw her son out, and sped away.
Eventually a cop saw Timmy on the side of the toad and pulled over. He asked, “Kid, what are you doing waking on the side of the road?”
“Well,” Timmy said, who was now crying, “I was pretty nervous for my first day of school. First we all said our names and something about ourselves. Mary said she likes dolls, Johnny said he likes action figures, and I said I like basketball.”
“Then what happened?” asked the cop.
“Then we went to the gym, and I found out I was really good at basketball. I was sinking every three I shot and dunking on the other kids like a mini Michael Jordan.”
“Then what happened?” asked the cop, who by then was very confused.
“Then we had circle time and we had to say our favorite flower. Mary said her’s was the rose. Johnny said his was the daisy. I said my favorite flower is the purple violet.”
As soon as the words left Timmy’s mouth, the cop tasered him, brought him out to the jail, and threw him in a cell.
When his day in court came, the judge looked down at Timmy and said, “You’re a five year old. What could you have done to end up here?”
“Well,” Timmy said, who was now sobbing uncontrollably, “I was pretty nervous for my first day of school. First we all said our names and something about ourselves. Mary said she likes dolls, Johnny said he likes action figures, and I said I like basketball.”
“Then what happened?” asked the judge.
“Then we went to the gym, and I found out I was really good at basketball. I was sinking every three I shot and dunking on the other kids like a mini Michael Jordan.”
“Then what happened?” asked the judge, who by then was very confused.
“Then we had circle time and we had to say our favorite flower. Mary said her’s was the rose. Johnny said his was the daisy. I said my favorite flower is the purple violet.”
As soon as the words left Timmy’s mouth, the judge banged his gavel, and the jury sentenced Timmy to one hundred years in prison without possibility of parole.
Because he went vegan in the clink, Timmy lived to one hundred and five was able to get out right on schedule. At that point he was so happy to be free, he was skipping through the jail whooping and hollering, right into the street where he was struck and killed by a car.
So, the morale of the story is to look both ways before crossing the street.

Person goes to the university ...

says "I want to sign up for all your foreign language classes."
They say "We teach dozens of different language's - you want to learn all of them? why?" They reply "I'm a Vegan and I to be sure I'll be able to tell every single person I meet.

caution: high altitudes under certain conditions can cause a bloody nose

Like on Mt. Shasta I heard a guy saying, "I just wanted to show people that it's possible to do things like hiking and Crossfit on a vegan diet, and besides I needed something to do after I retired at 30 on my Bitcoin investments" so I punched him in the nose.

A New Yorker, a Las Vegan, and a Texan all meet at a bar overseas...

The New Yorker says "this bar is ok, but I'd like to drink to my hometown bar, where the server greets you with your favourite drink, and every weekend is happy hour all night."

They all nod and cheers, and drink to the New Yorkers hometown bar.

After the next couple of rounds the Las Vegan says "I'd like to drink to my hometown bar, where they doors are never closed, and if you come alone the manager will send 3 hot chicks to drink with you all night."

They all nod and cheers, and drink to the Las Vegans hometown bar.

After a few more rounds the Texan says "I'd like to drink to my hometown bar, where they greet you with all the alcohol you can drink, they always have a seat ready at the vip table, and if you stay late enough, they take you into the back and get you laid!"

The table goes quiet and the New Yorker says "damn bro, that actually happens to you?"

The Texan replies "well, not me personally, but it happens to my sister all the time."

Vegans these days..

So my sister is vegan and one night we went out to get some dinner. After we sat down we noticed the table next to us ordered 5 rare steaks, one for each family member. My sister became upset and decided to only order a water. When the steaks arrived she lost it and began to cry. In the midst of the crying I noticed she stopped drinking her water and had asked the waiter to take it away. When i asked her why she said my tears fell into my water so now I can't drink it because my tears were a product of animal suffering... vegans these days.

Two of us washed up on a desert island, the only survivors of a shipwreck.

"There's no animals here but there's plenty of fruit and plants," said the other bloke, "this is Paradise because I'm vegan."

He laughed and said, "You'll have to become vegan too."

"No, I won't," I said, as I picked up a rock

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass!

I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

Jose a man who forces their pet to be vegan wakes up to go to a job interview

Jose gets things together to leave and drives down to the comedy club.

Jose: “Hi, I’m here for an interview.”

Manager: “Sure just go up on the stage and we’ll be with you soon.”

Jose looks confused but walks up on the stage. The manager starts to whisper something to everyone and immediately afterwards, people start laughing. Some people are on the floor laughing with tears in their eyes. Jose runs off, embarrassed and angry. He walks up to the manager with a frown and says, “What did you tell them?” The manager chuckles and says, “I told them you force pets to be vegan and they laughed because you’re the real joke.”

(This is the first joke I tried to write. If it’s not funny tell me how I can do better next time)

Edit: how do I add the flair “long”? I forgot to

Fun with rhymes.

If plants wore pants would plants try to dance? If plants tried to dance would plants have a chance if plants wore pants and you took a glance? If plants wore pants would they joust with a lance? If plants had a lance would the blow hit or glance? If plants were advanced and wore pants and danced they would be firmly rooted in their anti vegan stance.

Btw I have way too much time on my hands.

My wife and I went to a restaurant last night...

My wife wanted to know if they had a vegan friendly menu. So I flagged down the waitress and said "I have a question about the menu, please". To which the waitress responded "The men I please is none of your business"

Sweet Bliss

One of my friends is a vegan. And she just found out that she's suffering from Alzheimer's disease.

Now, it can be frustrating to deal with someone suffering from Alzheimer's.

But not in my case. She used to talk to me about some vegan BS every single day. But not anymore, now she can't remember a thing.

Yeah, lucky for me, she doesn't remember we used to be friends.

Dennis lives in Washington DC, and is working as a dental assistant while he gets his degree in chemical engineering...

... He plays tennis every week with his professor, but is always playing pranks and getting into trouble during their matches.

One fine day in late April, after their weekly tennis match, Dennis and his professor are walking past the White House when they see through the raggedy old fence that the vice president is on the verge of tears reading about how undemocratic his administration’s attempt was to ask Americans if they’re legal citizens on the 2020 census.

Pence turns around, startled to see Dennis standing behind him.

To make him feel better, Dennis reaches through the fence and gives him some change, along with the rest of his lettuce wrap, and a coupon to rent camping equipment from REI.

Pence perks up, since he’s a major vegan and loves the outdoors, and goes on his merry way.

So, to make a long story short...

Dennis, the dental hygienist chemist apprentice tennis menace, senses Pence’s tense Lent census penance from dented fence reconnaissance. The Vice Pres senses Dennis’s presence, so Dennis mends his lettuce fetish senses, and lends him cents and rented tents.

My last roommate was vegan

This happened two years ago. We were having a bbq before a game and he prepared some veggie burgers and I made some meat burgers. He mushed his veggie burgers up real good and it actually looked like meat after we cooked them. We put the leftovers in the fridge and went to the game.

When we got back I was a little bit drunk and was hungry so I opened the fridge and grabbed what I thought was the left over meat burgers.

It was a mis steak.

Two of us washed up on a desert island, the only survivors of a shipwreck.

"There's no animals here but there's plenty of fruit and plants" said the other bloke, "this is Paradise because I'm a vegan."

He laughed and said, "You'll have to become vegan too."

"No, I wont" I said, as I picked up a rock.

I went on a date with a vegan

We went to a restaurant and i ordered a steak while she ordered a salad.

When the food arrived, she kept saying "Enjoying your meat, murderer?"

God i just wish she stopped mentioning the time i shot her mom and stabbed her father.

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