Mustache Jokes

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Funniest Mustache Jokes

Funny Mustache Jokes

What do you call a mustache soaked in urine? A pistachio.

You compliment someone for their mustache and suddenly She's not your friend anymore.

I just don't get some people. I mean, you compliment on their mustache out of sheer politeness... ...and all of a sudden she hates your guts.

I made a genuine compliment about a co-workers mustache I don't know why she made such a big deal about it to HR.

How are lesbians and walruses different? One has a mustache and smells like fish and the other one is a walrus.

People need to learn how to take a compliment... Just today I complimented the most epic mustache I've ever seen and the lady didn't even say thanks.

I just complimented someone’s mustache and suddenly I’m not friends with her anymore. :(

At first I wasn’t sure if I liked the mustache But it’s growing on me.

I shaved my mustache after having kept it for a few years I hated the way I looked at first, but it's growing on me.

Conpliment someone on their mustache .... And suddenly she won't talk to you.

How does a mustache support his family in the event of his untimely death? By investing in a shavings account.

When is the only right time to slap an ugly woman? When her mustache is on fire.

Women are like the police Once they've settled on a partner they eat a lot of donuts and then grow a mustache

What’s the difference between a feminazi and Hitler? Hitler only had half a mustache

I haven't shaved my mustache since the lockdown begun... And it's kind of growing on me.

What's the difference between a walrus and a feminist? One has got a mustache and smells like fish. The other one is a fu**ing walrus.

My friend told me my mustache makes me looks like Jeffery Dahmer. I said, "Thanks. I've always wanted a killer stache."

I wasn't sure about my mustache at first But it's grown on me

I didn't like my mustache so I decided to shave it Changed my mind last minute though because it had really grown on me

In defense of Hitler ... he sure made that awful mustache REALLY unpopular.

My wife said my mustache brought out my personality. I replied, “Yeah, it’s growing on me”

(Thought of this one right before sleep, I’ll check on it in the morning)

When is the only appropriate time to spit in an Italian woman's face? When her mustache is on fire!

I am liking my mustache more and more every day its really growing on me

Decided to start rocking a mustache during quarantine... Wasn’t a fan of it at first but it has started to grow on me

I praised my friend on their mustache She's not my friend anymore

I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment about their mustache ..and suddenly she is not your friend anymore! :(

Deadpool interviewing superman after that mustache cover up in Justice League "Hey, blue spandex, excuse me but I moustache ask you a question or should I shave it for later?"

Credit : YouTube comment by Zyle Williams.

I spent 20 years traversing across the globe searching for the best mustache... ... Until I realized the best mustache was right under my nose the whole time

I couldn't find my mustache for a week It was right under my nose the entire time.

Why gypsies boys let their mustache to grow? To look more like their mom.

We should all make a joke togeather And start wearing Adolf's legendary mustache

what do you call a guy with twirly mustache but not from france? A fake baguette

Why did the hipster burn his mustache on his coffee? ...he was totally drinking it before it was cool.

Christopher Plummer got an Oscar Nomination for a performance he did entirely in reshoots. Henry Cavill's mustache was robbed.

I mustache you a question... But I'll shave it for later

In light of the Coronavirus outbreak, I chopped off my mustache to reduce the amount I’m subconsciously touching my face. I decided better shave than sorry.

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Long Mustache Jokes

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. Last year, when one flea gets to Miami, he is shivering and shaking. The other flea asked him, “Why are shaking so badly?”

The first flea says, “I rode down here from New Jersey in the mustache of a guy on a Harley.”

The other flea says, “That’s the worst way to travel. Do what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While there, look for a nice stewardess, crawl up her leg and nestle in where it’s warm and cozy. It’s the best way to travel that I can think of.”

The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter.

A year goes by…

When the first flea shows up in Miami he shivering and shaking again.

The second flea says, “Didn’t you try what I told you?”

“Yes!” says the first flea. “I did exactly what you said. I went to the New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of a guy on a Harley.”

Two lice meet after many years and discuss about their lives.

The first one looks very healthy, while the other one is very sick.

"You look terrible", says the first one. "Why is that?".

"Well, I live in the mustache of a Harley Davidson motorcyclist, who rides all the time and the cold wind makes me get sick. How about you? You look so healthy".

"I have the solution for you. Do what I did. Go to a public toilet and wait for a girl to come in. Once she undresses, jump to her genital area and stay there. It's very warm, trust me. You'll feel better after few days".

After a couple of weeks they meet again. The second louse again looks very sick.

"What happened", says the first one. "Did you do what I told you?".

"Well, I did. I went to a public toilet, as you said, waited for a woman to come and undress and jumped to her 'thing' when I found the opportunity. Everything was fine. I felt very warm there and my health got better the 4 first days. On the fifth day though, I can't even understand how I ended up again on the motorcyclist mustache.".

Two Flies in a bar

One fly is sitting at the bar and his friend walks in shivering, covered in frost.

"What's happened to you?" he asks.

"I rode down in here in a big guy's mustache. He got on his motorcycle and just muscled through the storm." The second fly responded.

"Oh, well next time, what you should do is find a beautiful woman with a big bush, snuggle in there and you'll be fine the whole trip."


The next day the first fly is waiting at the bar and the second fly comes in shivering and covered in frost again.

"What happened, didn't you take my advice?" he asks.

"I did, I did," the second fly responds. "I went to sleep nestled down in the bush, and when I woke up I was back in the Biker's Mustache again"

A Man has his needs.

A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island.

Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She’s also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, "My God, you saved my life!"

He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!

Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They’ve set up a hut, there’s fruit on the trees, and they’re in heaven. Cindy’s fallen madly in love with our man, and they’re making passionate love morning, noon and night.

Alas, one day she notices he’s looking kind of glum.
"What’s the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together, I’m in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"

He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?"

"Sure," she says, "if it will help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on.

"Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.

"Sure, honey, if it’s really going to make you feel better," she says.

"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks.

"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.

Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"

She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You’ll never believe who I’m sleeping with!"

A Tale of Two Fleas

A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun, when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.

“Oscar, what happened to you?” asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering. “I got a ride down here in some guy’s mustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my wings off,” wheezed Oscar. “Let me give you a tip, ol’ pal,” said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. “You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?”

So you can imagine the flea’s surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar -- looking more chilled and miserable than before. “Oscar! What has happened to you now?” asked the flea. “Listen,” said Oscar, “I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off.” “And so?” asked the first flea. “And so the next thing I know, I’m on this guy’s mustache again!”


PS : I don't take credit for the joke, I just happened to read it somewhere.

A true story about the time I got caught speeding

This is the story of the time I was pulled over for doing almost 70 in a construction area, where the speed limit had been reduced to 55.

So I pulled over right away because I'm white and a man with a mustache that only a cop would grow, swung a leg dramatically over his motorcycle and walked up to my passenger window. He leaned into my car and with the smugness if a chess master announcing checkmate he asked me, "Do you know why I pulled you over, son?"

Of course I did, but who am I to steal an old man's thunder? "Why did you pull me over?" I ask.

"My radar gun saw you doing 69 back there, were you aware this is a construction zone?"

"Yes I was, but I think your gun might be broken."

"No way, it was calibrated this morning."

"Well sir," I said, returning his smug grin, "you said your gun saw me doing 69, but you can clearly see I'm alone in here."

He let me go with a warning.

A courteous pick-up line

Guy's in a bar waiting to pick-up an evening's entertainment when this reasonably hot lady sits on the stool next to him.

He doesn't say anything to her, and after about 20 minutes, she says to him ... "OK - I've got to ask you a question".

He says, "Sure - what?"

She says: "During the past 20 minutes, you've stroked your mustache away from your upper lip at least ten times and each time you've done it, you've tried to catch my eye. What exactly are you trying to say with that move?"

He says, "I'm not trying to say anything ... I'm just clearing off a place for you to sit ...".

A true story.

Two little fleas... They meet at a bar in Florida. They vacation together all the time. One year, the second little flea arrives, and he's freezing, freezing cold. And he says, "Ooh, ooh, I was just zooming down from Jersey in the mustache of some guy on a motorcycle, and I am frozen!" And the first flea says, "Well, that is no way to come down to Florida. Here's what you do. You go into an airport bar, you have a few drinks. You find a beautiful stewardess, you climb up her leg, you nestle right in her warm, soft... you know what I mean? You get a good night's sleep, and you wake up in Florida. Now that is the way to travel!" A year goes by, vacation comes. In comes the second flea again. Freezing cold, again. And the first flea goes: "Well, okay, why are you cold? Didn't you do what I said?" The second flea says, "I did exactly what you said. I went into a bar, I had a couple of drinks, I climbed right up the leg of a beautiful stewardess, I nestled in, and I passed out all snuggled up. Next thing you know, I am zooming down the freeway in the mustache of some guy on a motorcycle!”

A flea had oiled up his little flea legs...

...and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun, when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.

“Oscar, what happened to you?” asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering. “I got a ride down here in some guy’s mustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my wings off,” wheezed Oscar.

“Let me give you a tip, ol’ pal,” said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. “You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?”

So you can imagine the flea’s surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar -- looking more chilled and miserable than before. “Oscar! What has happened to you now?” asked the flea.

“Listen,” said Oscar, “I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off.”

“And so?” asked the first flea. “And so the next thing I know, I’m on this guy’s mustache again!”

Two Fleas meet on a beach in florida

Two fleas are on a laying on a beach in florida

The first flea is who is sunning himself looks to the 2nd and asks

Flea 1- "why are you shivering so bad ?"

Flea 2- "I hitched a ride down here the mustache of a man who rode a motorcycle and it almost froze me to death"

Flea 1- "why would you do that"

Flea 2- "How else was i suppose to get here how did you do it" ?

Flea 1 - " listen here's what you have to do"

**Flash forward 1 year**

the fleas see each other the same beach and the 2nd is shivering uncontrollably once again.

Flea 1 - "what happened!? Did you follow the plan i gave you? It's worked every time for me".

Flea 2- "I did exactly what you said! I went into the ladies room and waited until i overheard a woman say she was heading down here".

"When she turned around i jumped into the stall"

"Up onto the toilet seat"

"And when she sat down i jumped into her bush and
fell asleep"!

Flea 1 - "Then what happened howdid you almost freeze to death again its full proof" !!??

Flea 2 - " I don't know man, I got comfy went to sleep and when i woke up i was in that goddamn motorcycle mans mustache again"

Two fleas meet in a bar

-"Hi, how it's going!"

-"Not so good. I'm living in a biker's mustache and it's so windy and cold, I hate that place!"

-"Oh, that's bad. Here's what you do. Bikers always have girlfriends. Whenever a girl gets close, you jump into her cleavage and go south. Down there you'll find a nice cozy place, a warm valley where the wind never blows because women keep that place inside their clothes."

A few days later the fleas meet again.

-"So, did you move to that place I told you about?"

-"I did, but it was no good. The place was so cozy and nice that I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was back at the biker's mustache."

I applied for a job but my resume stinks...

...so I asked a friend to help me out by pretending to be extremely unqualified so that I would seem like the better candidate. Everyday he walked into the office and applied for the same job under a different name and in a different costume each time. On the first day he went as himself, on the second he went as a woman. On the third he went with a beard, and on the fourth with a mustache and glasses.

Finally, I got a call from the manager. He said, “You’re in luck, I’m giving you the job! Anyone but that lunatic coming in here everyday wearing a different costume.”

My friend has been hiding something.

I was cleaning my friend's room for him the other day and moved a pile of clothes off of the floor and into the hamper. To my surprise, when I lifted them, I found a perfectly gelled, expertly trimmed mustache on the ground, I saw him the next day and confronted him about my discovery. ''You got me.'' he said... I had just found his secret stache.

An Archaeologist Found an Ancient Vase at a Dig Site...

and as he began to inspect the runes carved in it, he started dusting it off, and a genie came screaming out of it in rage.


"**Who disturbs my slumber**! I have been asleep for thousands of years, and *you* dare to wake ***me***? I should kill you where you stand!"

The archaeologist, whose name was Benjamin, cowered in terror as the genie fumed before him, hoping that the genie's rage might be sated without him ending up dead.

"Fine," the genie grumbled finally after a tense silence. "I will let you live, with one condition. You must not shave or cut the hair on your head, for when you do, I will turn you into an urn just like the one from which I came. Remember! I will not forget."


As Benjamin timidly removed his arm from his face, he saw a flash of light, and *poof* the genie was no more, and only the urn remained to remind him of the curse that had been placed upon him.


Finishing up his business at the dig site, he returned home to his job in artifact restoration at a museum in the city where he lived. The genie's urn he had left in the tomb where it lay, sealing the room shut when the expedition had left.


After many years had passed, Benjamin began to have difficulty dealing with his hair. A scraggly mustache and beard drooped down his chin to his chest, and his shoulder-length hair was a constant irritation whenever he looked in the mirror.

Finally, after a day of itching and scratching at his face and head, he gave up.

"Surely the genie will not carry out the curse. Maybe if I just trimmed my beard a bit, he would let me alone."


The next few minutes found Benjamin in his bathroom facing the mirror, scissors in hand. Taking a deep breath, he placed the scissors close to his chin to cut off the ends of his beard. His hand began to close, and just as the first few strands of hair were severed from his body---


"**FOOL!** You ignored my command, and for that, you shall *die*!" shouted the genie, who appeared out of nowhere.


Suddenly, Benjamin was no more, and all that was left was an ancient-looking urn on the ground where his feet had been planted.

And that was the end of Benjamin.


Now, what can we learn from this sad, sad tale?

...


...


...

*A Benny shaved, is a Benny urned.*

Adolf Hitler got bored and decided to go out on the streets to find out what people thought of him.

He put on some disguise, shaved his mustache and went for a walk in downtown Berlin. He found a middle aged man reading a newspaper outside a cafe and asked him what he thought about Hitler. The man, with horror on his face, panicked, grabbed his hand and lead him down to an empty street. He looked behind his shoulders a couple of times before saying "I actually like him!".

A man found a mustache hidden underneath a water valve in his house...

He messaged his old room mate who had moved out 5 months earlier to see if he knew anything about the mustache as the compartment to reach the valve was in his old room.

The ex room mate replied "You found it!, My secret stache!"

Once upon a time in Soviet Russia a comedy theater has invited Joseph Stalin to watch and review their new comedy show just before premier.

Main character of that comedy is a clumsy guy with large mustache that is constantly getting into different stupid situations. After the end of the show all actors, directors and other personal gather at the stage and tremulously wait for resolution of comrade Stalin.

Comrade Stalin who is the only viewer in an auditorium slowly lights his pipe and takes a few puffs.

“Don’t you think that this guy with his mustache looks very much similar to comrade Stalin?”

Stalin takes a few puffs. “I think right decision will be to execute director and scriptwriter of that play”. A few puffs. “Execute all actors and musicians”. A few puffs. ”and all other personal of theater as well as all their families”.

Director, actors and all other staff watch him in total horror.

And than speaks some young handyman. “Maybe the actor should shave off his mustache?”

“Or something like that” says comrade Stalin.

Stranded on an Island

There once was a young single guy on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island. Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her,and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him,wide-eyed and grateful and says, "My God, you saved my life!"

He suddenly realizes the woman is Natalie Portman. Days and weeks go by. Natalie and our guy are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Natalie's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?" He says, "Actually, Natalie, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?" "Sure," she says, "if it will help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on. "Now would you put on my pants?" he asks. "Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says. "Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks. "Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does. Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"

She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"

Once upon a time was a magical land called Mad'ha

Said magical land, was in fact, not magical at all, and was a part of the African continent. There lived many primitive tribes who, despite their primitive primitiveness, had many advances in different subjects such as agriculture and architecture.

For centuries, this land experienced what we refer to today as peace. All the tribes from around the land knew each other very well, in fact, you could even ask a new born to count all the people they knew, and they'd still count every single person on the whole island, even other newborns.

One day however, as the sun was shining high in the sky and the wind dancing joyfully in the air, an almighty, yet foreign ship, stumbled upon the shores of the yet unexplored Utopia, as it was cruising across the blue waves of glittering water. Said ship had on board a crew of a few new members, numerous old-timers, and a captain, who was also a quite remarkably successful business-man.

As he descended from the ship, his black top-hat sitting proudly on his head, curling his long black mustache with one hand and holding his gold headed black cane with the other, he gazed off into the distance pondering about how he could profit from this new land, thinking about all the minerals hidden within the ground beneath his two void-black shoes, about all the new and exotic plants scattered about the land, and most importantly, about the fortune he could make by introducing the natives of the land to the wonders of technology.

While still thinking about how to start his investment filled journey, and while his crew were descending from their fine ride, he noticed, not too far away from where he was planted, a few kids, from the looks of it, aged between ten and twelve years old. They were wearing what looked to be shirts made from a reflective brown silk-like material and pants going all the way down to their ankles made from a more green version of the same tissue. Having no solid starting point, he decided to follow them, thinking they could lead him to civilization, and lead him they did.

The following years were spent exploiting others for profit. What once was a Utopian-like world quickly became a hate filled, war poisoned land full of nothing but problems and misery. This went on for a few decades, all the while, the business man was fattening his pockets.

One day, he man was sitting in his office, legs on his desk, with a pipe in his mouth, reading a newspaper depicting a conflict that broke out the day before. Skipping most of the lines, as he usually does, he finally stumbled upon the one depicting the reason:

" Yesterday a group of three kids were out playing on the border between their neck of the woods and their neighbors's, when suddenly, a big spillage of an unknown black substance rose from the ground beneath them, it is still unclear what this goopy substance is. "

At the idea of what he saw as an opportunity, the already wealthy man had but one word in mind : Profit.

He then spent time and money exploiting the newly found black gold mine and made millions out of it. While this was happening, another part of the planet was busy dreaming up the idea of what we refer to today as " car ". On one special day, this information reached our business-man friend, who at this point, I don't need to say what crossed his mind and what happened next.

He came up with the idea of a car which functioned with " gas ", a material extracted from the black liquid now referred to as petrol, the same one discovered a while back, specifically in the third previous paragraph. He was worshiped all over the land for creating a way for the people to travel around faster and in a safer manner.

And from that day forth, all the people from across the world said but one thing, which later became the sole name of the land: " He Madagascar ! "

A Tale of Mustaches

I was always very self-conscious about my hair. It was either too long, too short, too neat or too disheveled. There was the beginnings of a bald spot, I swear. So I went to the barber to ask him what I should do.
He was an old-timey barber, complete with the waxed handlebar mustache. He took one look at me and stroked his manly face fur and said: "Son, you need something on your upper lip." He recommended various products to me, but kept an odd look about him.

I disregarded it and thanked him for his advice. I tried all the products, but none of them worked. I grew only a wispy thing. So I asked him again, and he gave me the same odd look. I had to know his secret, so I followed him back to his home, a large property left to him by his ancestors.

It was a moonless night. He drew a circle in the ground and placed a clipping from a nearby plant in it next to a picture of a fine handlebar mustache. He repeated some magic words, which I shall not divulge here (for the risk is too great) and his magnificent hair grew before my very eyes.

When he went back to his home, I emerged into the clearing and took another clipping from a nearby plant. I placed it into the circle next to the picture and repeated the magic words. But Oh! My skin started smelling of skunks and my mustache grew magnificently, but the hair was green and wild!

The barber came running out of his house to find me confused and in despair next to his ritual apparatus: a circle, a picture, and the wrong plant! Marijuana!

"Oh no," he exclaimed, "You've found my Secret 'Stache!"

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