Hitler Jokes

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Funniest Hitler Jokes

Funny Hitler Jokes

What's the difference between Hitler and Logan Paul? Hitler knew when to kill himself.

People compare Trump and hitler all the time, but there is one major difference. Hitler was good at making speeches

I'm sick of people comparing Trump to Hitler. Hitler wrote his own book.

Girls use chemicals to remove polish and no one bats an eye But when hitler does it everyone loses their mind

Trump is blaming Sanders for the violence at his rally... because you can't truly be Hitler until you blame a jew for all your problems.

Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Inn by a local priest. Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

What's the difference between Ellen Pao and Hitler? Hitler had supporters.

My joke was removed for comparing Trump to Hitler Apparently it's against the rules to make personal attacks on someone even after they've been dead for over 70 years.

What could the Boston Marathon bombers do that Hitler couldn't? End a race.

How did Hitler keep his shoelaces from coming untied? Little knotsies.

Hitler wasn't a very athletic man. He never even finished a single race.

Hey, I'm not saying Hitler was a great guy. But he really saved the History channel.

What is the difference between Usian Bolt and Hitler ? Usian Bolt can finish a race.

What did the Boston Bombers do that Hitler couldn't? End a race.

What video game would Adolf Hitler play? Mein Kraft.

Worst joke I've ever heard What is the difference between Hitler and the Boston Bombers?

One of them actually ended a race.

You'll never be able to go back in time and kill Hitler as a baby. You'd be way too short and weak.

An Arab and a Jew stand in front of a Hitler statue. The Jew spits on the statue.
Arab: why did you do that?
Jew: because he killed half my people.

The Arab spits on the statue as well.
Jew: why did you do that?
Arab: because he didn't kill the other half.

A girl uses chemicals to remove polish and no one looks twice And yet when Hitler tried it, everyone threw a fit

Trump is nothing like Hitler There’s no way he could write a book.

Can we stop making Hitler jokes? It really takes me out of mein kampfort zone.

How did Hitler like his orange juice? Concentrated.

Anagram of "mother in law" Woman Hitler

Why wasn't Hitler invited to the BBQ? Because he always burns the franks.

What do Justin Bieber and Adolf Hitler have in common? Neither of them are musicians.

Osama Bin Laden, Josef Stalin and Hitler are robbing a bank, who do the cops shoot first? A black guy

Why does Hitler like acetone? It's a Polish Remover

Ya gotta give Hitler credit for one thing... He killed Hitler.

What gave Hitler a heart attack? Seeing his gas bill

Kinda scared for 2017 Because 2+0+1+7 is 10 - the exact number of nipples Hitler would have if he had 8 more

What did they call Hitler when he swam? Adolfin

Hitler walked in to a bar... The bartenders says "whoa, hitler I thought you were dead"

Hitler says "no, just hiding. I'm planning to kill the rest of the Jews and 5 clowns"

The bartender asks "why the clowns?"

Hitler says "see no one cares about Jews"

Adolf Hitler and my wife have the same birthday. It's crazy to think that such a loathsome figure, who ruined the lives of so many people... Shares the same birthday as Adolf Hitler.

Why isn't Hitler in Mario Kart? Because he cant finish a race

Hitler wasn't such a bad guy After all he did kill Hitler. Then again... He killed the guy who killed Hitler.

Roses are red, Violets are blue Hitler blew an 11 country lead during World War 2

It's not fair for people to keep comparing Trump to Hitler. It's not fair for people to keep comparing Trump to Hitler. Hitler was a decorated war hero and qualified leader.

What's the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps? Phelps can finish a race!

How does Hitler tie his shoes? With little knotsies.

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New Hitler Jokes

Confederates are reverse Hitlers. Hitler first sucked at art and then lost the war while Confederates first lost the war and then sucked at art.

Why did Hitler win every political race? Because he's the fascist

What’s the difference Logan Paul and hitler? Hitler knew when to kill himself.

Why did Hitler fail as an artist? He refused to mix colors.

In another timeline In another timeline Hitler becomes a musician and opens a chain of very successful record stores named the Vinyl Solution.

Napoleon wore a red shirt so no one could see him bleed if he was shot. Hitler wore brown pants

Hitler adopted a child He's now a step-Fuhrer

Why wasn’t Hitler able to foresee his own demise? Because he was part of the not-see party.

Why isn’t Hitler invited to any BBQ’s? Because he burns the Franks.

Hitler got so pissed at the 1936 Berlin Olympics He decided to finish the race himself.

Why did Hitler like most letters Because they were not Z

What kind of drink does Hitler dislike? Juice.

Hitler and Stalin are having a conversation Hitler: Tell me a joke
Stalin: Stalingrad
Hitler: I don’t get it
Stalin: Exactly

Adolf Hitler has just took up golf... He always manages to find himself in the bunker.

I finally understand how people could compare Bernie Sanders to Hitler Seeing how neither of them could finish a race.

Why was Hitler grumpy at breakfast? Because he didn't like the juice.

How did Hitler tie his shoes? Gudenteit

They say Hitler used potatoes to treat his genital warts... Talk about a Dictator.

[dark] Why did Hitler commit suicide? He received the gas bill.

What is it that most women do in their daily lives but is considered a tragedy when Adolf Hitler did? Remove Polish using chemicals.

What's the difference between Hitler and epstein Hitler killed himself

Why is Hitler a better person than Jeffery Epstein? At least Hitler killed himself.

Hitler went to a fortune teller and asked her, " On what day will I die?" She assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. "Why are you so sure of that?", demanded Hitler. "Any day", she replied, " on which you die will be a jewish holiday."

Why did hitler only drink water Because he hates juice

What’s the difference between Usain Bolt and Adolf Hitler Usain Bolt can actually finish the race

What's the difference between Hitler and Usain bolt Usain can actually Finish a race

Why did Hitler only drink milk for breakfast? He hated juice.

Hitler is judged harshly by history, but let's not ignore the heroic acts he performed, like.... He killed Hitler

Why didn't Hitler get accepted to art school? Because he didn't like to mix colours

Killing 31,646 people would be the equivalent of planting 20 million trees. Making hitler the biggest environmentalist ever!

What’s the difference between Hitler and Logan Paul? Hitler had some respect for the Japanese.

What’s the difference between a feminazi and Hitler? Hitler only had half a mustache

Why is Hitler better than Epstein? In a herioc last act, Hitler killed one of the biggest criminals of his time.

How does Hitler like his juice? Concentrated

People can change Even Hitler went from being an anti-semite to finally killing the person responsible for death of million jews.

Hitler built a boat in pixelated blocks and named it Mein Kraft

What kind of animal would Hitler be? Adolfin

Did You Know Hitler Was Good At Insulting People He at one point Roasted 6 Million Jews

A bug pimp is a lot like Adolf Hitler One brings holocausts and the other ho locusts.

Thanks I'll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitresses.

Why did Hitler drink milk for breakfast? He didn't like juice.

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Long Hitler Jokes

Hitler went to a fortune teller and asked her

“on what day will I die?” The fortune teller assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. “Why are you so sure of that?” demanded Hitler. “Any day”, she replied, “on which you die will be a Jewish holiday”.

What is the difference between Ajit Pai and Hitler?

Hitler was doing what he thought was best for his country.

Edit: I'm getting a lot of comments that the comparison is very inaccurate and Hitler was much worse than Pai. To those people, I invite you to check which sub you are currently on. The results will shock you!

Edit 2: Wow so many people still don't get that it's a *joke*...

My joke was removed for comparing Trump to Hitler

Apparently it's against the rules to make personal attacks on someone even after they've been dead for over 70 years.

edit: FYI I never had a joke removed, I just said that because otherwise I didn't really have much of a joke, I thought it was implicit that the mods didn't remove any jokes because they generally only do that if you attack another redditor directly or just don't make any attempt at humour. Also, don't actually think Trump and Hitler are similar, I didn't even say they were so you can stop PMing me about it.

It's a well-known fact that Hitler...

It's a well-known fact that Hitler often consulted astrologists and people involved in the occult to get direction while Germany fought in World War II.

One day he decided to thank his chief astrologer and called him into his office to say, "we've done really well in the war and I'm grateful for your advice. I'm wondering something though, how come you never told me something that would be important to me  like when will I die?"

The astrologer said "Mein Fuhrer, you never asked."

Hitler says "I'm asking you now, do you know the day I'm going to die?"

The astrologer says "as a matter of fact I do know the day. You're going to die on a Jewish holiday."

Hitler is shocked, "that's a horrible thing - a Jewish holiday! What Jewish holiday am I going to die on?"

The man says. "Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday."

In 1941, a German boy named Hans was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

"Father, where's the United States?" asked Hans. His father pointed on a map to the continental nation in North America.

"And I'm told we're already at war with Russia," the curious lad continued. "Where is Russia?" His father pointed to where Soviet Russia lay in all its time zone-hogging glory.

"And we're also at war with the British Empire," added Hans. "Where is that?" His father pointed out all the territories of the empire upon which the sun never set.

"And where is Germany?" asked Hans. His father pointed to their country in central Europe.

Hans thought for a moment and then said, "Father, has Hitler seen this map?"

Hitler dies and God calls him

After Hitler dies, God calls him in His office. When he gets there, God asks "if I gave you the possibility to live another life, what would you do?"

Hitler answers "I'd kill all the Jews and twelve Eskimos".

God promptly asks "Why the Eskimos?".

"See, not even you care about Jews!"

One day, Hitler decided to visit one of his concentration camps.

He spoke to the on-site general, and told him to line up all of the prisoners in a row.

When all of them were lined up, Hitler went up to the first person and asked him, "How high do you jump?"

The general looked at Hitler, confused, then looked at the prisoner. The prisoner looked back at him, just as confused.

"Eh, mein fuhrer..."

"Ach! Do not shpeaken, generalfeldmarschall! Now, payen sie attention, prisoner, how high iz it you jump?"

The prisoner, slowly, spoke, "One foot."

Hitler turns to his general and says, delighted, "Given zis man a loav ov bread."

The general, astounded said, "B-but, mein fuhrer..."

Hitler shot back with a, "I do not vant to hear it!!" Then, moving to the next prisoner, he asks the same question: "How high can you jump?"

The prisoner replies, "Two feet."

"Give zis man two loaves ov bread!"

"Mein fuhrer, are you veeling vell?"

"SCHTOPP TALKING AND BRINGEN SIE LOAV OV BREAD!"

Hitler then moves to the next prisoner, who has caught onto the pattern. So when he is asked how high he can jump, he announces, "Five to six feet."

Hitler turns to the side, and his general says, "Sir, zhall I getten zis man five loaves ov ze bread?"

Hitler says, "No, schoot zis one. He can jump over ze walls."

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin.

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin at a table. He asks them what they were doing and was told that they were planning WW3.
Hitler says, "We are going to kill 15 million jews, and a bicycle repairman."
The man, confused asks, "Why the bicycle repairman?"
Hitler turns to Stalin and tells him, "See? I told you no one would care about the 15 million Jews!"

A 90 year old man wins the Powerball for 400 million dollars..

He arrives at the press conference, accepts his giant check and teary eyed with joy proceeds to take questions from the media storm. First reporter asks "What is your full name?" He replies his name is Ira Mandelbaum. Second reporter asks "What are you going to do now?" Ira replies "First, I am going to buy all of my children their own homes. Next, I am going to buy myself a nice car. Then I am going to set-up college funds for my grandchildren. After all the I am going to build a huge statue of Hitler in my front yard." The reporters all get quiet until someone finally says "Sir, you just said you wanted to build a tribute to Hitler, why on earth after all he had done to our people would you do this?" Ira pauses, looks him in the eye, rolls up his sleeve and says "Simple, he gave me the numbers."

Hitler at a bar

A man walks into a bar and believes to see Adolf Hitler sitting on a bar stool. The man walks up to the man, and in an unsure tone, asks: Are you Adolf Hitler. At which point the following conversation ensues:

Hitler: Why yes, I am

Man: I thought you were dead!

Hitler: No, my friend. I have been in hiding all these years. I am slowly rebuilding my army. Soon we are going to rise up, kill three million Jews, and one clown.

Man: Why kill a clown?

Hitler: See!! No one cares about the Jews.

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin...

A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler and Stalin sitting at a table. He walks up to them and asks what they are doing. Hitler says were planning WW3. The man asks what's going to happen this time. Hitler says this time were going to kill 15 million Jews and a bicycle repair man. The man asks why a bicycle repair man. Hitler turns to Stalin and says see I told you know one would care about the 15 million Jews.

Hitler and Stalin walk together in the afterlife

... they stop next two people and Hitler tells Stalin: "Let me tell you of my plan: I am going to kill six million Jews and a mechanic.

one of the two people hear this and asks Hitler "Why kill the mechanic?"

Hitler turns to Stalin and says: "see? I told you nobody cares about the Jews"

An old Hitler joke

Some time ago, a medium contacted Hitler's spirit by accident. Out of curiosity, he decided to listen to what Hitler had to say.

"Listen to my words, you little brat: I'm gonna reincarnate someday, and I'm gonna kill six million Jews and two dogs".

"Why the two dogs?" the medium replied.

"See, nobody cares about the Jews!"

A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. As he is sitting there he catches sight of the guy sitting next to him and notices the man looks exactly like Adolf Hitler. The man ignores this at first and quietly drinks his beer.

After some time his curiosity gets the better of him, so he turns to the man and says, "Has anyone ever told you that you look just like Hitler?"

To the guy's surprise, the man turns right to him and says in a thick German accent, "That is because I am Hitler."

The guy just laughs this off and takes another drink, but the stranger keeps his serious expression and says, "It is true, I am Hitler. The allies thought I killed myself, but I escaped and moved here to lie low."

The guy is understandably stunned, so putting his drink down he asks Hitler, "If it's true, and you're Hitler, then you're the most hated man alive--you killed six million Jews!"

"Well yes," says Hitler, "but nobody cares about the Jews anyway."

They argue for a while after that about whether anyone cares about the Jews, before Hitler finally says, "Tell you what. I'll prove to you right now that no one cares about the Jews. I will go around the world right now, round up six million more Jews, and kill every single one of them. Then I will find one clown, and I will kill him too."

Puzzled, the man asks, "Well what would you kill the clown for?"

Then Hitler points at him and says, "See? You didn't care about the Jews either!"

Hitler walks into a bar.

The owner, surprised to see the German leader at his bar, asks if he’d like his top-notch bourbon on the house. “No thanks,” Hitler replies. “I’ll just take a screwdriver.” One screwdriver turned into 10 before Adolf called it quits and headed home.

The next night, Hitler returned to the bar, but this time takes up the owner’s offer on the bourbon. “Even the best vodka can make a man sick if he’s had too many,” says the owner. “It wasn’t the vodka,” Hitler replies. “I blame the juice.”

Hilter at a bar

A man walks into a bar and notices Hitler sitting in the corner. The man goes up to the bartender and asks "Hey, what's up with Hitler over there?" The bartender replies "Oh, he just comes in and sits there by himself. If you buy him a drink though, he'll answer one question for you."

So the man buys a drink and brings it to Hitler. He then asks "Hitler, how many people have you killed?" Hitler responds "Six million Jews, and one clown".

Confused, the man brings Hitler another drink. "Hitler, why'd you kill the one clown?"

"See? Nobody cares about the Jews."

Hitler went to see a fortune seer

Hitler went to see a fortune seer. He walked in and demanded to know on what day he would die.
The seer replied "You will die on a Jewish holiday"
Hitler wanted more in information than that, and asked "Which holiday?"
The seer just smirked and said "Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday"

Hitler, Mussolini and Stalin are all sitting in a restaurant discussing their plans for World War 3.

A waitress approaches the table and listens to their talk. Hitler opens by saying:

"Okay guys, I've got a great idea. I already talked to Stalin about it, but I figure I should get your input. He didn't believe me."

Mussolini responds "believe you about what?"

"Okay this time, the plan is to kill ten million jews and one mexican."

The waitress at this point is intrigued and confused, decides to chime in. "One Mexican? Why do you want to kill the mexican?"

Hitler turns to Stalin and says "HA! I told you nobody would care about the jews!

A man walks into a bar and sees a man that looks like Adolph Hitler

sitting at the end of the bar. He walks up to him and asks "are you really Hitler?" The man stands up and says loudly, "yes i am Adolph Hitler, I killed 6 million Jews and 1 Mexican." The man says, "wait, why did you kill a Mexican?" Hitler says "Sehen Sie! What i mean, no one cares about the jews."

Hitler is in his Bunker

One day, Hitler is in his bunker planning his strategy for the next phase of the war when there is a knock at the door. He says "enter" and Goebbels walks in.
"What is it Goebbels? Can't you see I'm busy?!" asks Hitler, clearly irritated.
"Mein Fuhrer," says Goebbels, "I have news. The Italians joined the war today."
"No problem," replies Hitler, "send a division against them."
"Mein Fuhrer, they are on our side."
"Ah," says Hitler, "then send two divisions."

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