Text Jokes

Contents

Funniest Text Jokes

My girlfriend just text me, 'thespacebuttonisbrokenonmyphonecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative' Anybody know what 'ternative' means?

Funny Text Jokes

Met a cute guy at the bar, gave him my number and told him to text me when he got home I guess he's homeless.

Told a girl to text me when she got home. She must be homeless.

What did the math text book say to the Shakespeare text book? Look, buddy, I've already got a lot of problems, and I really don't need any of your drama.

What did the Irishman text his Wife? "Honey I'm down at the pub having a pint with the lads. Be home in about 30 min. If I'm not back by then please read this message again."

My girlfriend told me I was one in a million My girlfriend told me I was one in a million. When I looked through her text messages, I had to admit she was right.

Just told my friend his gf is a cheater I sent him a text saying the y in “your girlfriend” is silent

Sad to report that the inventor of predictive text has passed away His funfair will be held next Monkey

I told a girl to text me when she got home She must be homeless, poor thing

My girlfriend told me I was one in a million... When I looked through her text messages, I had to admit she was right

I text my wife tonight, "Honey, I'm going to stay in the bar another hour with my friends for another pint..." "...if I'm not back in an hour then read this message again."

Things I do to piss off my wife Sext her out of nowhere and then text back right away “sorry wrong person”

I hate when I'm driving and I see people text and drive. It makes me want to throw my beer can at them.

My bank has a new feature where they'll text you your bank balance. I think it's pretty cool. I just don't think they should end the text with "LOL", though.

The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day. Wife: “Windows frozen.”
Husband: “Pour some warm water over them.”
Wife: “Computer completely screwed up now.”

The creator of predictive text died today His funfair is next monkey

I've just heard that the bloke who invented predictive text has pissed away. His funfair is next monkey.

The inventor of predictive text has died. His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

A programmer is heading to the store A programmer is heading to the store and gets a text from his wife:

While you are out, buy some eggs

He never returned.

Are the readers of this subreddit mostly men? Who else would consider a couple inches of text to be long?

What is it with people who text and drive? I swear to god the next time I see this happen, I'll roll down my window and throw my beer at them.

The guy who invented predictive text died last night... his funfair is next monkey

I told a girl to text me when she got home... She must be homeless.

Auto-correct is so crazy now a days... My mom meant to text me 'I love you' but it auto corrected to 'You're a disappointment.'

I asked a girl to text me when she got home She must be homeless

Don't know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I'd won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night. It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

I recently bought a copy of Monty Python's Big Red Book, but was later dismayed to find that I'd purchased the Spanish language version... Nobody expects the Spanish text edition.

Did you hear that the guy who invented predictive text has died. His funfair is next sundial.

My blonde girlfriend broke up with me today. She was upset at me getting a text from Amber Alert

I gave my number to a really hot girl at the bar and told her to text me when she got home. She must have been homeless.

My Wife My wife sent me a text that said, "Your great!"

So, naturally, I wrote back, "No, Your're great!"

She has been walking around all day happy and smiling.

Should I tell her I was just correcting her grammar or just leave it?

Mixing up the title and text fields. What's the worst way to ruin a joke?

A Web Designer decided to use right aligned text His boss yelled at him for it, because it wasn't justified.

Did you hear the guy who invented predictive text has died? His funfair will be held on a sundial.

Funfair*

Funfair*

For ducks sake...

My ex sent me a text saying, "I wish you were here". I replied, "Where are you?"

She said, "At the cemetery."

A salesman approaches you Thanks, but I'm not interested in microscopes right now.

Salesman: That's okay, take my business card anyway.

This text is tiny, I can't read it.

Salesman: Boy, do I have the product for you

Help, I think the girl I had my first date with is homeless. I told her to send me a text message when she got home, but it's been days.

Broken phone, need your help. I got a text from my partner the other day saying "heybabymyspacebarisbrokenonmyphoneineedanalternative". - Any idea what a 'ternative' is?

A If this ‘A’ gets to the front page, I’ll delete this text and it’ll make people go crazy wondering how an A got to the front page.
Post mysterious comments like “So true!” And don’t talk about how it’s an inside joke.

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New Text Jokes

What did the Herpetologist text to his new girlfriend? Send Newts.

I used to date a girl whose could text unbelievably fast. Her fingers moved like lightning! But then she ran away and stole my old Jaguar I wish you could have seen my X Type

BREAKING NEWS The inventor of predictive text was injured in a traffic accident.

He's been bacon by ambience to the horse piddle.

Repost Malone Optional text Malone

Post malone Optional text malone

R.I.P. The bloke who invented predictive text died last week. His funfair is next monkey and may he rust in piss.

You get a letter from the Queen for your 100th birthday, what do you get for your 16th? A text message from Prince Andrew.

Why you don't have a girlfriend? It's either expensive, illegal or won't text you back.

A man named Ranger A man named Ranger was going out to a bar to have a few drinks. His roommates told him not to drive if he got too drunk. Ranger asked his roommates how he was supposed to get home.

“Walk or text us Ranger.”

I received a nude from my sister ...followed by a text that said “Sorry, that was for dad.”

Ooops my bad My buddy just had a baby with this hoe we knew from highschool. I went to text him congrats and I saw my last message I sent to him 9 months ago "what's the worst that could happen" so I just texted him ooops

My wife just sent me a text saying...”Your great.!” So naturally I write back “no you’re great.!”

She’s been walking around all happy and smiling all day..

Should I tell her I was just correcting her grammar or just leave it...?

This Just in! Over $20,000 dollars in college text books stolen! Local Police say they have a lead and hope to recover both books.

A genie gave me one wish And I said I wanted to have the power to text really fast

And he replied "be careful because with great power comes great response ability"

Sad news that the man who invented predictive text died yesterday. His funfair is next monkey.

Ever been so drunk.. ..that you tried to text somebody from a payphone?

An interesting title Your text post (optional)

Dad, I drive my lamborghini to school but I'm unhappy Text from dad: What's wrong?

Text from son: All the other students take a train

Text from dad: I'm wiring you $10 million, then you can buy a train too.

Cop: put you hands in the air! Me: lol
Cop: don't f\*kin laugh
Me: \^but.. that's me with my hands in the air\^
Cop: oh ok
Me: So can you really arrest people by text message?

My girlfriend broke up with me because of my choice of attire Just got a text saying "It's shawl over!"

Told a girl to text me when she gets home She must be homeless.

My wife sent me a text that said, "Your great". So, naturally, I wrote back, "No, you're great".

She's been walking around all happy and smiling. Should I tell her, that I was just correcting her grammar or should I leave it?

the amount of artists dipping their pen in the company ink is too damn high text (optional)

How to make $$$$$ easily. 1: Sit in front of your computer and turn it on.

2: Open a new word or text document.

3:Hold down the Shift key.

4: Press the "4" key as many times as you wish.

Man told a friend that his wife is a terrible driver. Friend: How so?

Man: She keeps hitting the curb every time I text her and she won’t even text me back!

What is a hackers favorite pop group? The Black IP’s


Note: Siri voice to text is solely responsible for this

What to French Cats text back when they receive something funny? Lmao

My neighbour showed up at my party last night. Me: My friend Jack is coming as well btw

Them: The cannibal Jack or the Jack that can't spell?

Me \[checks my phone for Jack's text message: I can't wait to meat ur neighbours!\]: Yeah I'm not sure either.

A programming engineer gets a text from his wife on his way home. It said "please stop at the shops grab some bread, if they have eggs grab a dozen"

He came home with 12 loaves of bread

My favourite text to the missus when I'm at the pub: " I'll be there in 5 minutes ....If not.... read this again"

My wife text me saying “myspacebarisbrokenpleasegivemeanalternative” I replied saying of course but I couldn’t help but think, what does ternative mean?

Alabama 1000 Guy: Walks into a bar and screams 'I just got a text from my sister, she's pregnant'
Everyone else: 'Congrats dude'
Guy: 'I'm finally going to be a dad!'

I hate people who quote misspelled text They make me (sic).

Brexit Bottom text

Documents that say "This page intentionally left blank" intentionally make the page not blank in order to tell you that the page is blank intentionally [This text post is intentionally left blank]

Just remember, son When you text a girl, you are also texting at least 5 of her friends.

Someone broke into my house so I hid in the closet with my phone, but I forgot to set it to silent... Luckily when I got a text I managed to fake cough over it so he wouldn't hear

I have this weird obsession with old memes... Bottom Text

What do you call a dyslexic person? Nothing, you text them to piss them off

My wife told me I was one in a million My wife told me I was one in a million. When I looked through her text messages, I had to admit she was right.

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Long Text Jokes

Never Text an Apology

THE ORIGINAL TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a
confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few
months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to
your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with
myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is I have been
sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact,
probably more than. you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently,
but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much. I can
no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest
apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Please
come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan.

THE ACTIONS:
Bob, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his
neighbor dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink
and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he has a
subsequent message from his neighbor.

THE SECOND MESSAGE:
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on
my last text. I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you
noticed that my Autocorrect changed ‘Wi-Fi’ To ‘Wife’. Technology
hey?!? Hope you saw the funny side of that.
Regards, Alan.

A guy texts his neighbor...

A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor:

"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."

Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.

Moments later the guy gets a second text: "Really should use spell check! That should be "wifi"."

Me: “Did you invite Dan to the party?”

My friend: “Yeah.”

Me: “Cannibal Dan or Dan that can’t spell?”

*notification from my friends phone, it’s a text from Dan.* “I can’t wait to meat your friends tonight.

My friend: “I’m not sure”

A husband sends a text to his wife.

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.

Wife's Response:
Who is Tina?

A man orders a coffee

A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks "Can I help you sir?".

The man answers "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?".

The bartender says "That would be $2.60".

"Alright, I'll have one." says the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he throws them on the ground.
The bartender doesn't want to get involved in a fight so he just picks up the money and he brings the man his coffee.


A week later, the same man enters the bar. He orders a coffee again but this time he pays with a five dollar bill.

The bartender smelled an opportunity for revenge and when he brings the coffee, he throws 48 nickels on the ground as change. The client throws 2 extra dimes on the floor and orders a second coffee.

Edit: Grammar teehee!

Edit 2: This got more attention then expected.. No karma for text post though!

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster...

and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "yeah, I've got this great rooster, named randy; he'll service every chicken you've got. No problem"

well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. so, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money, and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails every hen in there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ he gets all the geese. Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and says, "Shhh. They're getting closer..."


**Well worth the read**

**EDIT**: Since this hit front page I must credit my friend. He text this to me while I was at work and I put it on here. I'm glad you all like it.

Middle age texting

The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.

She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

I'm on the toilet. Please advise.

A guy text to his neighbor

A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor:

"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."

Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.

Moments later the guy gets a second text: "Really should use spell check! That should be "wifi"."

Found in my Physics text book.

A man lives in a foreign country, and his job is to operate the train that connects one town to another. He is not very good at his job, and he is also very greedy. Since his income does not meet his expenses, he decides to steal from his passengers' fares. At first he steals only a little. However, as he gets more and more greedy, he steals more and more. Eventually, he is caught. The company is furious. Once he has been tried and found guilty, the company asks for the death penalty. The court refuses choosing to banish him from the country instead.

The man moves on to another country, certain that he can dedicate himself to a new life. However the only thing he really understands is operating trains, so before long, he is a train operater in this new country. Unfortunately, the old habits come back, and after a while, he starts stealing from the passengers' fairs again. Once again, he is eventually caught and taken back to trial. Once he is found guilty, the judge says he sees no hope for reform, since this is the second time the man has been caught doing this. Thus, the judge sentences the man to death.

On the day of execution, the man is placed in the electric chair, and the chair is turned on. Much to the surprise of everyone there, the man is not even hurt. He just sits there, as if nothing is happening. The instrument panel says that the electric chair is working, but the man is completely unaffected! The chair is turned off and on several more times, but the man doesn't even flinch! Finally, one of the guards asks the man why the electric chair isn't hurting him, and the man replies, "Well, I've always been a really poor conductor.".

First Experience after marriage

A Delhi mother was lucky enough to see her 3 daughters get married the same year, so she called them after the wedding and told them

“Dont forget to text me your first night experience and text it in code”

So……. after a week, the 1st daughter texted

“NESCAFE”

and the next week the 2nd daughter text

“WILLS”

the mother being an intelligent woman went to get a Nescafe tin and read the label

“fantastic till the last drop”

went to her husband’s pack of WILLS cigarette and read
“Extra long, king size”

she smiled and said “not bad for their ages”.

After the next week, the 3rd daughter texted

“Indigo Delhi Hyderabad”,

the mother then called Indigo airways helpdesk to enquire about their Delhi Hyderabad flight and they replied

“it’s 5times daily, 7days a week, both ways and the flight duration is 75mins”.

Mother fainted

I got a text from my next-door neighbor today.

I got a text from my next-door neighbor today.

It read:

Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months, and I have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face.

At least I’m telling you in this text and I can’t live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this. The truth is that when you’re not around I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night.

In fact, probably much more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently and I know that that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.

Regards, Richard

I was so angered and betrayed, that I grabbed my gun, went next door, and shot Richard...killing him.

I went back home, and poured myself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.

Just then, I looked at my phone, and discovered a second text message from Richard.

Second text message:

Hi, Fred. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct had changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all. Regards, Richard

A guilty neighbor . . .

A man received the following text from his neighbor:


I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night whenever you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology and with my promise that it won't ever happen again.


The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.


A few moments later, a second text came in:


Damn autospell! I meant "wifi, not "wife" . . . . .

Text from his neighbor

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I do not get any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed
his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect! I meant "wifi", not "wife"

Husband send a text to his wife

Husband's text:
>Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg. Amputation of my right foot is a possibility.
Love you.

Wife's response:
>Who's Paula?

The warning sign

There was a watermelon plantation which had been constantly spoiled by night thieves who were trespassing to steal melons. The owner came with an idea to repel the intruders: he put a warning sign on the plantation's fence: "Beware! Steal on your own risk! One melon below this fence is poisoned!"

The next day, there were no more missing melons and a short text added on the warning sign: "Now there are two".

she can't open windows.

On a cold winter morning, while her husband is away on business, a wife has a problem at home and sends a text message to her husband:

“Windows frozen, it won’t open”


Husband texts back:
“Pour boiling water over it inside and outside”


Five minutes later, wife texts back.


“Computer's really screwed up now...”

The Misunderstanding

Hi John,

This is Alan next door. I am sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you.

I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.

Regards, Alan.



The Actions:

John, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, stomped next door and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he had a subsequent message from his neighbor.



The Second Message:

Hi John,

This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed that my smart phone’s Autocorrect feature changed “Wi-Fi” to "Wife”. Technology eh?? Hope you got a chuckle from that.

Regards, Alan.

Pope and a Jew

Several centuries ago, the Pope decided in all his wisdom that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican.

Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community.

So the Pope cut a deal a juicy deal.

He would have a religious debate with any chosen member of the Jewish community. If this Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice.

So they picked an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi Moishe's Latin wasn't very good - in fact, he knew very little --- but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community.

The pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate?

The day of the great debate came.

Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute sizing up each other , before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger.

The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is just too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened.

The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions.

Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us.

I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin.

He had an instant answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving.

Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" prodded a Jewish woman.

"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his effin’ lunch and so I took out mine."

(Ps: Not mine, found in a text msg from a friend)

A man and his wife are sitting in the livingroom one evening. He was tapping away on his phone while she was curled up reading a book when suddenly they heard her phone ping from the kitchen.

She went to the kitchen to read the text message from her husband "Could you bring me a beer from the fridge while you're there?"

Wife and husband are in the living room.

She's doing stuff in her computer, while he's sitting on the couch typing on his phone.

At one point, wife's cellphone receives a message.

Her phone is charging in the kitchen, so she stands up from her desk and goes to the kitchen.

At the kitchen, she looks up her phone and see's a text message from her husband.

"Well, since you're in the kitchen, might as well make me a sandwich."

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