Text Jokes

Contents

Funniest Text Jokes

My girlfriend just text me, 'thespacebuttonisbrokenonmyphonecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative' Anybody know what 'ternative' means?

Score: 2342

Me: “Did you invite Dan to the party?” My friend: “Yeah.”

Me: “Cannibal Dan or Dan that can’t spell?”

*notification from my friends phone, it’s a text from Dan.* “I can’t wait to meat your friends tonight.

My friend: “I’m not sure”

Score: 2028
Funny Text Jokes
Score: 1563

Met a cute guy at the bar, gave him my number and told him to text me when he got home I guess he's homeless.

Score: 524

Told a girl to text me when she got home. She must be homeless.

Score: 385

What did the math text book say to the Shakespeare text book? Look, buddy, I've already got a lot of problems, and I really don't need any of your drama.

Score: 313

What did the Irishman text his Wife? "Honey I'm down at the pub having a pint with the lads. Be home in about 30 min. If I'm not back by then please read this message again."

Score: 263

My girlfriend told me I was one in a million My girlfriend told me I was one in a million. When I looked through her text messages, I had to admit she was right.

Score: 256

Just told my friend his gf is a cheater I sent him a text saying the y in “your girlfriend” is silent

Score: 243

Sad to report that the inventor of predictive text has passed away His funfair will be held next Monkey

Score: 229

I told a girl to text me when she got home She must be homeless, poor thing

Score: 209

My girlfriend told me I was one in a million... When I looked through her text messages, I had to admit she was right

Score: 196

Next time someone texts you to say "call me"... Call them to say "text me". And just hang up.

Score: 174

I text my wife tonight, "Honey, I'm going to stay in the bar another hour with my friends for another pint..." "...if I'm not back in an hour then read this message again."

Score: 166

I hate when I'm driving and I see people text and drive. It makes me want to throw my beer can at them.

Score: 140

My bank has a new feature where they'll text you your bank balance. I think it's pretty cool. I just don't think they should end the text with "LOL", though.

Score: 130

The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day. Wife: “Windows frozen.”
Husband: “Pour some warm water over them.”
Wife: “Computer completely screwed up now.”

Score: 110

The creator of predictive text died today His funfair is next monkey

Score: 107

The inventor of predictive text has died. His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

Score: 86

A programmer is heading to the store A programmer is heading to the store and gets a text from his wife:

While you are out, buy some eggs

He never returned.

Score: 86

Are the readers of this subreddit mostly men? Who else would consider a couple inches of text to be long?

Score: 82

The guy who invented predictive text died last night... his funfair is next monkey

Score: 72

I told a girl to text me when she got home... She must be homeless.

Score: 68

Auto-correct is so crazy now a days... My mom meant to text me 'I love you' but it auto corrected to 'You're a disappointment.'

Score: 67

I asked a girl to text me when she got home She must be homeless

Score: 60

Don't know if this is a scam but I just received a text saying I'd won $250 cash or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute night. It says press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

Score: 55

I recently bought a copy of Monty Python's Big Red Book, but was later dismayed to find that I'd purchased the Spanish language version... Nobody expects the Spanish text edition.

Score: 52

Did you hear that the guy who invented predictive text has died. His funfair is next sundial.

Score: 48

My blonde girlfriend broke up with me today. She was upset at me getting a text from Amber Alert

Score: 47

I gave my number to a really hot girl at the bar and told her to text me when she got home. She must have been homeless.

Score: 41

A woman gets a new number She sends a text message to her husband.

W - "Hi honey, this is my new number. Can't wait to see you tonight"

M - "Hey babe. I can't tonight. I'm having dinner with my wife"

Score: 7

Just got a text message but I think it's a scam..... It says congratulations you have won £500 or four tickets to an Elvis tribute act.

press one for the money, or two for the show.

Score: 6

My dad text me saying, "Don't try to be someone you're not." It hurt when he added, "Oops, forgot the comma after 'someone'."

Score: 6

I felt pretty bad about breaking up with my girlfriend in a text But I felt even worse watching her read it.

In my defense, what kind of woman checks her phone during her sister’s wedding service?

Score: 5

My neighbour showed up at my party last night. Me: My friend Jack is coming as well btw

Them: The cannibal Jack or the Jack that can't spell?

Me \[checks my phone for Jack's text message: I can't wait to meat ur neighbours!\]: Yeah I'm not sure either.

Score: 5

My wife text me saying “myspacebarisbrokenpleasegivemeanalternative” I replied saying of course but I couldn’t help but think, what does ternative mean?

Score: 3

Cop: put you hands in the air! Me: lol
Cop: don't f\*kin laugh
Me: \^but.. that's me with my hands in the air\^
Cop: oh ok
Me: So can you really arrest people by text message?

Score: 3

What is the dumbest text you could ever send? "There is a cop behind me - I hope he doesn't pull me over"

Score: 2

What to French Cats text back when they receive something funny? Lmao

Score: 2

My favourite text to the missus when I'm at the pub: " I'll be there in 5 minutes ....If not.... read this again"

Score: 1

Popular Topics

New Text Jokes

I got a "you up?" Text last night from a hot chick. Unfortunately I wasn't up.

Score: 0

Proper use of text font *It's-a-me, Mario!*

Score: 1

Did you here about the guy that went to prison for writing? I'm sorry, that was completely out of con-text.

Score: 0

Popular Topics