Midget Jokes

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Funniest Midget Jokes

Funny Midget Jokes

Did you hear about the guy who's been pickpocketing midget charity workers? How could someone stoop so low?

I just saw a midget get pickpocketed... I still can't believe someone could stoop so low.

Why did the midget get kicked out of the nudist colony? He kept getting in everyone's hair.

The other day, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall. About halfway down he turned and sneered at me, and I thought, "That's a little condescending."

When do you have the right to kick a midget in the balls? When he says your girlfriend's hair smells nice.

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence.... ...... as he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that's a little condescending.

I was reading in the paper today about a midget that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

What do a dwarf and a midget have in common? Very little.

Midget Discrimination A midget asks the librarian,”Do you have any books on midget discrimination?” The librarian replies,”Top shelf”.

I saw a midget in a KKK outfit today I think he is a little racist.

I saw a midget escaping prison and climbing over the wall It was a little condescending

What do you call a midget who makes inappropriate jokes in the workplace? A little unprofessional

A psychic midget has escaped from prison.. Police are looking for a small medium at large.

What do you call a midget with epilepsy that makes pizza? Little Seizures...

Have you heard about the midget Klan member? He was a little racist.

Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall. As he turned and sneered at me, I thought, "that's a little condescending."

-Hi, do you have books on midget discrimination? -Yeah, look on that top shelf in the corner

What do you call a psychic midget who escaped from jail? A small medium at large

What does a dwarf and a midget have in common? Very little.

What do you call a psychic midget who just escaped from prison? A small medium at large.

What did the Doctor say to the midget in the waiting room? "You're going to have to be a little patient"

What do you call a midget doing a cartwheel? A midget spinner.

Why should a midget not attempt to slaughter a cow? The steaks are just too high.

I overheard a midget complaining to a police officer that his pocket had been picked. The officer said 'I can't believe anyone would stoop that low'

Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down the fence. As we made eye contact, he glared at me and I thought to myself, "Well, that's a little condescending!"

The midget strip club down the street is hiring. They must be short staffed.

What do you call a midget psychic that escapes prison? A small medium at large.

Where does the midget pizza chef with epilepsy work? Little seizures

Why did the midget get slapped? Because he told a woman how nice her hair smelled.

Did you hear about the midget that got pick pocketed? I can't believe someone could stoop so low..

what do you call a midget psychic who just escaped from prison? a small medium at large

Today I saw a midget prisoner climbing down the prison wall... He turned and sneered at me, I thought: 'that's a little condescending'.

One time I saw a midget climbing down a prison wall... I thought to myself that’s a little condescending!

What do you call it when a midget waves at you? A microwave.

Why did the midget get kicked off a nude beach? People got seriously annoyed with him sticking his nose into everybody's business.

What do you call a breakdancing person with dwarfism? a midget spinner

What do you call a psychic midget that escapes from prison? A small medium at large.

What did the doctor say to the midget in the waiting room? You’re going to have to be a little patient

Did you hear about the midget who got pick-pocketed? How could anyone stoop so low?

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New Midget Jokes

What do you call a midget cop who talks a lot in Minnesota? A Minneapolis( mini yap police).

What do you call a dwarf in a wheelchair? A midget spinner.

Did you hear about the psychic midget that escaped from prison? He’s a small medium at large.

Did you hear about the midget psychic who broke free from prison? Now there’s a small medium at large.

What do you call a midget that is a child prodigy? A Dwarf Star

What do you call a psychic midget who recently escaped from prison? A small medium at large!

The midget fortune teller who kills his customers and runs... Is a small medium at large!!

What do you call a midget in a gang? A pimp squeak.

What do you call it when a midget gives head? A below job.

I use to date a midget It was a short term relationship....

Police arrested a midget croupier this morning. He was a known small arms dealer.

What do you call a breakdancer with dwarfism? A midget spinner

Did you hear about the midget psychic on the run from the police? There’s a small medium at large.

I crashed into a midget today. He lept out of his car and yelled "IM NOT HAPPY!" I replied.. " Well, which one are you then?!"

What do you call a psychic midget that broke out of prison? A small medium at large

What do you call a midget psychic who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.

A midget walked into a bar Must've been set low.

What do you call a Mexican Midget A paragraph, because it's not a full essay.

Why did the midget give up on his dream of becoming a butcher? Because the steaks were too high

A Pyschic midget has escaped from prison, reports say... There is a small Medium at large.

What does a midget and a very short person have in common? Very little.

The day after a midget psychic escaped from the federal penitentiary.... The headlines read “Small Medium at Large”

The midget wedding I was at went really fast It was just a really short reception I guess

What do you call a midget fortune teller who escapes from prison? A small medium at large.

So a Psychic Midget escaped from Jail There is a small medium at large

If a midget dates a basketball player... Is it considered a long-distance relationship?

Two midgets walk into a midget bar After they sit down, the first midget asks the other,

“Is this joke going to be any good?”

The second midget replies,

“No, but that’s okay, the bar is pretty low”

Why are there no midget accountant's Because they always come up short

The Tennis Playing Midget Did you hear about the midget who died playing tennis? He fell off the ping pong table.

A bad joke 2 tall guys and a midget walk into a bar.
The 2 tall guys say "ow" and the midget laughs in victory.

Sorry for the bad joke it is my cake day and I don't have anything interesting to post.

I saw a midget prisoner trying to climb down a huge wall. I thought to myself Well, that's a little con descending...

Did you hear about the midget psychic who broke out of prison? He's a small medium at large.

Did you hear about the midget who had a successful first date? He got a little head.

Not even mildly pc joke What's the difference between a pack of midget spies and a group of women joggers?

Well, the midgets are cunning runts.

What do you call a midget fortune teller who just broke out of prison? A small medium at large

What do you call a midget clairvoyant recently escaped from prison? Small medium at large.

Q: How do you know when to kick a midget A: When he tells you that your girlfriend's hair smells nice

What do you call a midget who is also a psychic that escaped from jail? A small medium at large.

I was playing blackjack against this midget the other day and he cleaned me out. I thought I was good at gambling, but he is a little bettor.

Why did the police bring in the midget for questioning? Because he was a little suspect.

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Long Midget Jokes

One day a midget is walking along feeling a bit parched, when what do ya know, he sees a bar, just for midgets!

"What luck", he thinks, and strolls in.

Inside there are miniature versions of everything! Little chairs with tiny tables, half size doors leading to miniature toilets, a tiny pool table with tiny pool cues, the place has everything, apart from customers... Its completely dead.

Sitting solitary at a table looking rather glum is the bartender. The midget approaches him and asks," Why is it so empty in here, this place is amazing!"

"Well, we've been open for months now and all my customers just come in and leave without ordering any drinks", explains the bartender, "I've got to be honest, I had higher expectations for this place!"

The bartender offers the midget a drink, then goes behind the counter and starts pouring him a pint.

"Um... I think I'm starting to understand why you don't have any customers", shouts the midget, looking up at the enormous counter towering above him, "you've set the bar way too high".

So a prison break was happening...

And I happened to be walking around when it happened. It had a huge wall, and I saw someone climbing down from it. Turns out I knew the guy, he's a famous midget con artist that I ratted out. As he climbed down, he gave me this wretched look.

It was a little condescending.

...And That's When I Lost It.

I rear-ended a midget the other day with my car. I didn't know he was a midget when I ran into him. I got out to apologize, expecting a normal size driver, and when I saw the midget climb out of his car and start walking back toward me with his grumpy face, I just about lost it. I can't help it, I laugh when I'm nervous, and he just looked so funny marching back toward me.



So anyways, I'm doing everything I can to avoid cracking up because I know it's only going to make it worse if I start laughing at him after I've already dented his car. Well he looks at me with a very stern face and he can tell I'm not taking him very seriously.



"There's nothing funny about this." He said.



"I know." I replied.



"I'm not happy." He stated.



"Well then which one are you?"

A midget on the bus.

So I'm riding on the bus and this midget comes on and sits beside me.

After a couple of stops, the driver slams on the brakes and the midget slides off the seat, so I grab him by the arm and sit him down again.

Next stop, the same thing happens so again I grab him by the arm and sit him down.

By the fifth stop, the same thing happens and I'm irrirated so I grab him and say: "Hold on tight you dumb midget or you gonna keep sliding off the seat".

He turns around and says to me: "My stop was 5 stops ago, I've been trying to get off the bus you sunabitch".

After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

> Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

-
> Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

-
> Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.

Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

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> Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.

Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

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> Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

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> Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

Engineers: Evidence removed.

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> Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.

Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.

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> Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.

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> Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

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> Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.

Engineers: Suspect you're right.

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> Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.

Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

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> Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.

Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

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> Pilot: Target radar hums.

Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

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> Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.

Engineers: Cat installed.

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> Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

Engineers: Took hammer away from midget

Two midgets in a bar...

...when they try and pick up two beautiful women standing on the other side of the room. The night goes on, buying drinks, paying for food and dancing away. Towards the end of the night the guys are invited back to the girls apartment.

In the apartment they have more drinks, dance, and are getting on very well. One of the girls takes on of the midgets to the bedroom. A little later the midget in the living room can here 'a one...a two...a three....' followed by a squeal, a bang, and giggling. This goes on for at least 45 minutes, the same pattern of counting, squealing, and giggling, until the second girl takes the second guy to her room.

In her room the second guy gets stage fright so they end up cuddled and talking until they can no longer hear the noise from next door.

The next morning the midgets are in the kitchen making breakfast when the second guy goes red and confesses that he wasn't able to perform or do the deed. The first guy looks at his friend, goes bright red and says, 'you think that's bad? I couldn't even get on the bed!'

A midget sat next to me.

So I'm riding on the bus and this midget comes on and sits beside me.
After a couple of stops, the driver slams on the brakes and the midget slides off the seat, so I grab him by the arm and sit him down again.
Next stop, the same thing happens so again I grab him by the arm and sit him down.
By the fifth stop, the same thing happens and I'm irrirated so I grab him and say: "Hold on tight you dumb midget or you gonna keep sliding off the seat".
He turns around and says to me: "My stop was 5 stops ago, I've been trying to get off the bus you sunabitch".

26 groaners

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.



2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.



3. She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.



4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.



5. No matter how much you push the envelope it will still be stationery.



6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.



7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in linoleum blown apart.



8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.



9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.



10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.



11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.



12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'



13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.



14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'



15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.



16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.



17. A backward poet writes inverse.



18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.



19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.



20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.



21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'



22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'



23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.



24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'



25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.



26. A geologist exploring an earthquake fell to his death through no fault of his own.

A midget and a man are on a bus

The two of them sit next to each other.

When the next stop comes, the midget falls off of the chair, so the man picks him back up.

Another stop comes, and the midget falls again, and again the man picks him up.

On the third stop he of course falls again and this time, the man says:

"Hold on when we get to a stop, you freaking midget!"

The midget replies:

"Can I please leave the bus? I was supposed to get off two stops ago."

A man is walking by a prison....

...when he sees a midget climbing out one of the cells at the top of the prison. The midget is climbing down a rope when he turns around and sees the man on the street. The midget flips off the men and continues to climb down the rope.

The man says to himself, "Wow, that's a little condescending."

I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a...

I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a doctor because he'll treat her better.

I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a banker because he's a better long term investment.

I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a mechanic because he'll know how to service her undercarriage.

I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a UPS deliveryman because he'll have a bigger package

I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a sniper because he'll always want to take her out.

I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a trucker because he's in for the long haul.

I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a town water inspector since he'll treat her well.

I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a midget because he under stands.

Two midgets go into a bar...

Two midgets go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first midget, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of “Here I come again … ONE, TWO, THREE…UUH!” all night long.

In the morning, the second midget asks the first, “How did it go?”

The first mutters, “It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get a erection.”

The second midget shook his head. “You think that’s embarrassing?”….“I couldn’t even get on the bed!”

The Elusive Midget Nun

Two Eskimos, a big one and a little one, walk up to the convent door. The big one nudges the little one and says, “Go ahead, knock on the door, knock on the door.”

The Mother Superior answers the door. Again, the big Eskimo nudges the little one and says, “Go ahead, ask her the question, ask her the question.”

The little Eskimo timidly says, “May we speak with the midget nun that lives here please?”

The Mother Superior answers, “There are no midget nuns living here.”

The big Eskimo starts nudging the little one again and says, “Go ahead, ask her the other question, ask her the other question.”

The little Eskimo asks in a quavering voice, “Well, are there any midget nuns in Alaska?”

The Mother Superior responds uncertainly, “I know most of the nuns in Alaska and I don’t believe so.”

With this the big Eskimo falls down and rolls on the ground, clutching his belly as he laughs uncontrollably. “See,” he says to the little Eskimo, “I told you that you screwed a penguin!”

Jokes so Bad that They're Funny

The midget psychic broke out of prison. He was a small medium at large.

A boiled egg in the morning is really hard to beat.

Newspaper headline reads: Cartoonist found dead at home. Details are sketchy.

I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forget how it goes.

Here's a poem by a dog (Bo Burnham): Roses are grey, violets are another shade of grey, let's go chase cars.

The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands.

What did the cannibal get when he showed up to the party late? A cold shoulder.

(I'll see myself out.)

I was driving past the prison the other day...

with a friend of mine. All of a sudden he starts shouting and pointing, 'LOOK! There's a midget escaping! He's gone over the wall and is climbing down!'

I slammed on my brakes and said, 'woah, hang on. You can't say midget - it's a little con-descending.'

Two midgets decide to get hookers...

They went to a motel with their ladies and get two rooms. The first midget is really embarrassed because he cannot get an erection. His confidence was hurt even more when he heard his friend in the room saying "1, 2, 3, push!" Over and over again.

The next morning he was talking to his friend over breakfast. He said "That was the most embarrassing thing ever. I couldn't get a hard on"
His friend responds "You think that is embarrassing, I couldn't get on the bed."

Edit:spelling

Midget with a speech impediment goes to buy a horse

A guy owns a horse stud farm. One day a friend phones him up , "I've sent a dwarf with a speech impediment to see you. He wants to buy a horse". Sure enough the dwarf turns up.

Dwarf asks "I want to buy a horth"

The owner asks him "Do you want a male horse or a female horse ?"

The Dwarf replies "A female horth"

The owner shows him a Mare.

"Nithe Horth" says the Dwarf, "can I thee her eyth?" The owner picks up the Dwarf to show him the Horses eyes.

"Nithe eyth" says the Dwarf "can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.

"Nithe teeth, can I see her eerth?" The Dwarf asks. By now the owner is getting a little fed up, but again picks up the Dwarf to show him the horses ears.

"Nithe eerth," he says "Can I see her twot?" With this the owner picks up the Dwarf and shoves his head deep between the horse's legs, holding him there for a second before pulling him out & putting down.

"Perhaps I should rephrathe that" said the Dwarf, "can I see her wun awound?"

Two midgets win the lottery...

Two midgets win the lottery and to celebrate decide to get a hooker reach for the evening. Taking their ladies back to separate hotel rooms they start to get down to business. The first midgets evening however doesn't go too well. No matter how hard he tries he just can't get a hard on. He tries everything but to no avail, to make matters worse all he can hear from the next room is his little friends voice yelling "1,2,3, EEEUUUARGH! I'm coming I'm coming I'm coming! 1,2,3, EEEUUUARGH! I'm coming I'm coming I'm coming!". Fed up and somewhat embarrassed the first midget resigns to the fact he's not getting hits rocks off and so pays his woman and retirees for the evening alone. Still all he can hear from the next room is "1,2,3, EEEUUUARGH! I'm coming I'm coming I'm coming!", over and over until the early hours of the morning.


The next day the two little fellas meet up over breakfast. "So..." says the second dwarf nursing a sore back and horse throat, " how'd it go?". Hanging his head embarrassed the first dwarf replies " It was awful. I tried and i tried but I just couldn't get a hard on, I feel so ashamed". His friend shakes his head and sighs a long sigh. "Oh" he replies awkwardly after a brief pause, " You think you had it bad? I couldn't even get on the bed"

A man with dwarfism walks into the hospital...

There’s a guy with dwarfism that showed up in A&E the other night in a foul mood, he was embarrassed because everyone kept looking at him so the nurses put him in a room alone.

He was assessed and it turns out he has bipolar disorder, so the nurses gave him some drugs to mellow him out.

Unfortunately while he was in the hospital he caught the dreaded corona virus, and last night slipped into a coma, becoming the first midget in the UK to fall victim to the disease.

So he started Bashful, saw the Doc, got Grumpy, then Happy. The drugs made him Dopey and then he got Sneezy and went to Sleepy.

A tall woman and a midget

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman’s apartment.

“I can’t imagine what it will be like making love to a midget,” said the woman, “especially with the size difference and all.”

“Just take off your clothes, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes,” said the midget.

The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she’d ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times.

“If you think that was good,” said the midget with a smirk, “Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!”

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