Robot Jokes

Contents

Funniest Robot Jokes

Funny Robot Jokes

What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? He nuts and bolts.

A Norweigan robot analyzed a bird. It scandinavian.

How does a robot do a one night stand? It nuts and bolts

What does a robot do on a one night stand? Nuts and bolts.

What do you call a robot whose sole purpose is to have one-night stands? Nuts and bolts

If a Norwegian robot... If a Norwegian robot analyzes a bird, it Scandinavian.

What happens when a Norwegian robot scans a bird? It Scandanavian

Norwegian Robot If a Norwegian robot analyzed a bird, then it… Scandinavian

What does a robot do after a one night stand? He nuts and bolts.

If you watch Wall-E backwards it's about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people

A Robot gets arrested. He's charged with battery.

A robot man walks into a robot restaurant. A robot waiter approaches and asks him for his robot order.
The robot man orders a robot steak.
The robot waiter asks him how he wants his robot steak prepared.
The robot man replies, "Weld on".

What does a robot do on a one night stand? He nuts and bolts

What do you call it when a robot has a one night stand? Nut and bolt

What is it called when a robot has a one night stand? Nuts and bolts.

The Titanic was recently visited by a diving crew with a robot submarine. What they found out was completely amazing. Even after 100 years of being sunk, all the pools are still full.

A robot walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve robots." The robot replies, "Oh, but someday you will."

A robot walks into a bar, orders a drink, and lays down some cash. The bartender says, "we don't serve robots." The robot replies, "oh, but some day you will."

What does a robot do after a one night stand? He nuts & bolts.

why don't robot chickens play basketball? too many technical fowls

What does a robot do with his first girlfriend? He nuts and bolts

A robot walks into a bar... The bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve robots!"

Robot says, "Oh, but someday you will."

A robot walks into a bar; says he needs to loosen up. So the bartender serves him a screwdriver.

Why did the robot need viagra? His disk was floppy.

What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand Nuts and bolts

I built an analog robot and asked it what gender it is. It said it was non-binary.

What do a cheap robot and a high class prostitute have in common They both stop working for you after you pee on them.

I had a suspicion that a robot might be stealing my wood So I checked its log files.

Did you hear about the robot that was angrier than half of the other robots? It was in mean median mode.

What's the problem with robot waiters? The server might crash

Why did the robot see a psychiatrist? Because he had metal health problems...

What does a gender-ambiguous robot identify as? Non\-binary.

A robot tried to start a conversation with an attractive waitress But he wasn't so successful in doing so. The error message read:


`Error: failed to establish connection with server. `

What's the difference between a Necron and a Lawyer? One is an emotionless robot with no respect for human life, the other is a faction in warhammer 40k

[OC] What’s the difference between a fault line and a robot who just wants to be friends? What’s the difference between a fault line and a robot who just wants to be friends?

One is a tectonic plate and the other is platonic tech

Two guys walk into a bar They walk up to the robot bartender and the first guy says "I'll have an h2o." The second guy says "I'll have an h2o too!" The robot bartender then murders them both because Elon Musk was right about AI.

Two men are arguing loudly. A robot approaches and says "May I be of assistance?" One man turns to it and says *back off pal, this is an organic matter!"

Why couldn’t the robot pirate acknowledge his crew? He was waiting on an “aye” patch.

Did you hear about the robot who specializes in circumcisions Real cutting-edge technology

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New Robot Jokes

So my friend borrowed a humanoid lady robot from me yesterday I just met him at the ICU, he asked, "Why didn't you tell me the hole between her legs was a sharpener!?"

I hate those human verification boxes If I wanted to get treated like a robot I’d sell weed

What does a robot do duirng a one night stand It Nuts and bolts

What do you call a robot that isn't trans anymore? Transformer

I am at the police station, they think that I might be a robot They keep saying that I got charged with battery.

What did the robot have written on their gravestone? Rust In Peace

A joke my 4 year old told me. What sound does a robot sheep make? Be-e-ep, be-e-ep.

How does a robot identify? It doesnt its non-binary...well technically it is but...nevermind

How would a giant robot that's controlled by multiple people be rendered useless? Make operating it a school group project!

What do you call a robot doctor that surgically changes a person's gender? A transformer

This robot was being mean to me, so I started clubbing him. I was arrested for battery.

What do you call a robot giving birth? Contraptions

What did one robot say to another? "Ill Captcha later!".

Did you hear about the robot that reached absolute 0? He's 0K now!

You tested positive for the Coronavirus. Which do you prefer? A robot or a caregiver in a hazmat suit wearing a diaper? It depends.

What does a masochistic robot enjoy? Cog and bolt torture

I had a dream Obama was still President. An evil robot Neobama came in to demand his surrender. Let me try to explain how Obama responded to this demand: S-s-sorry, uh uh uh, i-i I, uh, I uh uh, i-i can't

What the black robot do to his wife? Nut and Bolt

Doctor Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a robot that has to take an exam to become human. Doctor: Don't worry, it'll pass.

What happens when a midget robot goes out in the rain? It shorts out

What do you call it when a robot hits puberty? - Nuts and bolts.

Being the lazy inventor that I am, I decided to create a robot to do my physical exercise for me. It worked out.

Have you guys heard of this new AI robot that can take off all your clothes, and then give you a whole new outfit? I've seen it change people.

What did the baby robot say to the mama robot? Goo-gle goo-gle.

What is it called when a robot eats a sandwich in one chomp? A megabyte.

What do you call a a robot who changed genders? a transformer

C3PO is trying to get Nitrous Oxide for his robot friend. He walks up to a vampire and says 'I want Nos for Ar-Too'.

Surely a robot can figure out how to tick a box on a website saying "I am not a robot"" I watched Terminator 2 and one of the fuckers flew a helicopter.

What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel? An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.

Just Scrabble Stories Womba.... A robot tool to clean up your womb.

Why did the robot deny having a brother? Because he had trans-sisters

What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics? A new-clear physicist

What do Robot college students eat? Rom and Noodles

A robot walks into a bar He gets a drink because he cant say jokes

Why was the robot couple’s anniversary in the Fall? They were autumn mated.

Someone should make a movie about an old robot who needs a software upgrade so it can learn about LOVE. You could call it, 'The 40-Year-Old Version'.

I met a tiny, alien robot that looked like a small bug. He told me his friends escaped their home planet, and found a home here. He was confident that his race would be OK. He was Optimus Tick

Give a robot a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a robot to fish, feed him for a lifetime.

​

Teach a robot to teach other robots to fish, you're out of a job.

Nerd Joke: What do you get if you cross a robot with a pirate? Aaaarrrrr2D2

What do you call a robot that can read your mind? A psyborg.

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Long Robot Jokes

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent alone on the ship, he became adept at building small robots to help him complete his tasks. He formed relationships with the little bots, but he found he missed the companionship of real humans. He would take small stints in the cryogenic chambers in order to prolong his life, as so to complete his mission of getting his friends and family to their new home. But a long life with no one real to talk to is lacking.

With his knowledge of robotics, he took it upon himself to build an artificial human. Something that looked real. Something that felt real. Something that would make the unbearable loneliness go away.

He didn’t feel right copying the likeness of any members of the sleeping crew, so he modeled the robot on himself. By the time he was done, there “he” was, a perfect replica of Jacques himself. He named the robot Jacques 2.0, because who else was there to get confused? And as he grew older, it would be easier to remember his own name, he figured.

Well, years passed as they are want to do. He grew old and frail on the journey, but Jacques 2.0 remained as lively and youthful as ever, helping his creator to complete the tasks the old man’s bones could no longer handle.

As the old man lay dying, he asked his robotic companion to do him a favor. He wanted his remains to be scattered among the stars, the asteroids, and the comets they passed. He did not want to be buried on a planet he would never see, but instead live on in the vastness of space that had become his home. So when the day finally came, Jacques 2.0 sent his creator’s ashes out of the airlock and into the universe.

But the journey was not over. Jacques 2.0 carried on his creator’s duties for years and helped the crew arrive on their new home. As the ship grew close to the planet, he pulled the switch to wake the crew. One by one they woke from their long sleep and travelled to the observation deck to see their new home. When they arrived, though, they found themselves in complete shock. There was Jacques, as lively and youthful as ever, waiting for them.

“How can this be?” They asked. “Surely you would at the very least be an old, old man by now. It has been so long since we left Earth.”

Jacques 2.0 raised his hands slightly in a calming gesture and said, “Do not worry. I am here to send you a message of love and care from Jacques. I was created to help him complete his mission. I may look like him, but in truth, I am not him. For you see,” and with this he gestured towards the stars and space above their heads, “the real Jacques is in the comets.”

Humans are being tested against the new AI program

The robot beats the human in every category. It comes to one of the last ones: hunting. The robot again beats the human. However, someone working there sets the animals free again and tells them to try get them again. The robot doesn't move whilst the human wins because




ROBOTS CANT RECAPTCHA

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie...

The man decided to try it out at dinner.

Dad: Son, where were you during school hours?

Son: At school.


The robot slaps the son.


Son: Ok! I was at my friend's house watching a DVD.

Dad: Which one?

Son: Kung Fu Panda


The robot slaps the son again.


Son: Ok! It was a porno.

Dad: What!? When I was your age I didnt even know what porno was.


The robot slaps the dad.




Mom: HAHAHAHAHA. He is your son after all!


The robot slaps the mom.

My first original long joke called "Luck"

When I was young, I was always lucky. When I was five, my mom asked me to give 6 numbers for the lottery. “8, 13, 27, 29, 30, 31” I said. Without any hesitation, my mom punched those numbers on the lottery ticket and hoped for the best. Later that night, my whole family was watching the lottery on the television.

“The winning numbers are 8!” The announcer said.

“Five more numbers and I’m a millionaire!” my mom said with a big smile on her face.

“13!” The announcer continued. My dad, who believed throughout his whole life that the lottery is rigged by politicians, suddenly looked towards the television. It was as if he knew that we were going to win.

“27!” We already have half of the winning numbers. My family wasn’t really that rich, so winning the lottery would be a big help.

“29!” Is it really going to happen? Are we really going to win ₱80,000,000?”

“30!” One more number! The least amount we could get now is ₱50,000. Getting 5 out of the 6 winning numbers is already a big achievement in itself. Even if we don’t win, getting 5 winning numbers was already a testament on how lucky I was.

It was as if God heard me and answered with a big “Okay”.

“32!” Silence filled the room. My dad slowly looked away from the television and started reading his book once again. The smile in my mom’s face quickly disappeared as she stood up and went to sleep. Meanwhile, I was still very proud of my achievement. 5 out of 6 was unbelievably good. The next day, I bragged to my classmates that I had an 83.33333% guess rate. Most of my classmates were like “Whoa, that’s amazing” but one classmate of mine asked “Then what happened to the other 16.66666%?”

That guy’s name was Calvin. Up until high school, he was considered as the “Shotgun King”. He would just shotgun any major test but still end up with a 100% grade. He was one of the few people in the world that were luckier than me. At age 11, he already won the 6/55 Grand Lotto four times, and he wasn’t only lucky with the lottery, he was lucky with everything. Five months ago, he won a 2017 Audi A3 Sedan. Three months ago, he won a Mercedes-Benz AMG 43, and about a week ago, he won a Lockheed Martin F-22 Raptor. He won all these via raffle. There were a lot of doubts about his wins since not even the Philippine Air Force has an F-22.

I haven’t been participating in any more raffles since my mom said that I should focus on my studies. While walking to class, I saw this flyer that said about a raffle with the 1st prize of a Samsung Refrigerator. It was the perfect time to test out my luck skills, besides, my family would extremely benefit from a new refrigerator. While I was putting my raffle entries inside the drop box, someone patted my shoulder.

“Hey Kyle!” the guy said. It was Calvin.

“Hey Calvin, what’s up?” I said.

“You’re entering the raffle too?” He asked.

“Yeah man, it’s been a long time since I won something.” I answered.

“Well good luck.” He said. “I’m joining the raffle too, so the chances of you winning are slim.”

After two days, it was already raffle day. Despite what Calvin said, I was positive that I would win, so I sat in front, near where the results were going to be announced.

One by one, the results were slowly announced, starting from the 5th prize.

“The 5th prize goes to Earl Cayanan!”

“The 4th prize goes to Mary Ann Severino!”

“The 3rd prize goes to John Paul Melecio!”

“The 2nd prize goes to Harold Eugenio!”

Finally, it was the time for the 1st prize. In the corner of my eye, I suddenly saw Calvin talking to some security guards. I smell something fishy going on.

“And for the 1st prize, congratulations to Calvin Tolentino!”

Calvin quickly ran up the stage. I didn’t believe the results so I ran up to Calvin, but on the way, two security guards stopped me. I didn’t give up. I shouted: “I’m the real winner, not you! The whole raffle was rigged!” One security guard then grabbed his gun and smacked its base to my head. I passed out.

I then woke up in a hospital room with an old lady whom I’ve never met before, sitting beside me.

“So, do you want to beat Calvin?” She asked.

“What do you mean?” I asked in return.

“I can make you win the next major raffle.”

“How?” I quickly asked as I was interested.

“Well, the next raffle has a bottle made out of diamonds as its first prize. If sold, it could be as expensive as ₱850,000,000.”

“Okay so how do I win it?”

“Hold your horses, young boy, that’s not the real first prize. You shouldn’t win the bottle, but instead, go to the host right after the program has ended. He will give you the keys to the ‘Win All Raffles Robot’ or WARR for short.”

“The what?”

“Okay, this might sound crazy but there is a robot that can make you win all raffle you enter. It’s called the ‘Win All Raffles Robot’.”

“So how does it work?” I asked out of curiosity.

“No one knows, it was sent by God during the 1300’s. What I do know is that whoever has the WARR would never lose a raffle. Your friend Calvin was just really lucky, but with the WARR, you’d be more than lucky.”

“But how would I be sure that the host would give it to me?”

“Well, he is my son.”

“How is he your son?”

“I gave birth to him.”

Since this conversation seemed like it wouldn’t lead to anything useful anymore, I packed my things and left the hospital. Moments later, I saw a flyer that caught my eye.

“Win a 700-year-old Venetian Diamond Wine Bottle worth ₱850,000,000. All you have to do is enter the raffle to have a chance.”

Maybe this was the raffle the old lady was talking about. I quickly went to the raffle booth and entered.

“The raffle draw will be in an hour, sir.” The clerk said. “You can meanwhile sit in our Waiting Area.”

Inside the Waiting Area were chairs, tables, and a television showing a replay of the 2021 NBA Finals. It’s crazy how the Lakers won it in 6 games. Joel Embiid was such a beast for Philadelphia but they still weren’t able to pull it off.

After an hour, I left the waiting room and sat in the front row near the stage where the raffle will be drawn. Slowly, people started coming and the seats started to fill up.

It was time.

The host came out of the curtains and picked one raffle ticket in the spinning jar.

“The 5th prize which is a 1942 Zero Japanese fighter plane, goes to Erika Sanchez!”

“The 4th prize, which is an authentic piece of the Shroud of Turin, goes to Francois LeBourgeoisie!” I can’t believe the host mispronounced his name.

“The 3rd prize, which is the original copy of the Indian epic, the Ramayana, goes to Juan Tiu-Tres.”

“The 2nd prize, which is a legitimate metal shard from the 1947 Roswell UFO Crash goes to Zack Dimagiba.

“And finally, the event you’ve all been waiting for, the 1st prize which is a 700-year-old Venetian Diamond Wine Bottle goes to…Calvin Tolentino!”

“What?!” I shouted as I jumped off my seat.

Someone then suddenly patted my back. It was Calvin.

“It’s okay Kyle, you’ll get your chance.” Calvin said.

I was about to punch him in the face but I suddenly remembered that I never really intended to win the 1st prize, so before Calvin went to the stage to claim his prize, I told him: “Hey Calvin!”

“Yes Kyle?” He said with an intimidating smile to his face.

I moved closer to him, stared him in the eye, and softly said: “You may have won the bottle, but you haven’t won the WARR.”

A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night

The father asks his son what he did that
afternoon. The son replies "I just did some
homework." The robot slaps the son. The son
then says "Okay, okay. I was at my friends house
watching a movie."

Dad asks "What movie were you watching?" The
son replies "Finding Nemo The robot slaps the
son. He then sais "Okay. okay. We were watching
porn"

Dad said "What?! At your age I didn't know what
porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom
laughs and says "Wow. He certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother.

A robot bartender

A guy goes into a bar in Washington where there is a robot bartender.

The robot says, "What will you have?

The guy replies, "Whiskey."

The robot brings back his drink and asks, "What's your IQ?"

The guy say, "168."

The robot continues to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical technology.

After the guy leaves and the more he thinks about it, the more curious he gets, so he decides to go back.

The robot asks, "What's your drink?"

The guy answers, "Whiskey."

The robot returns with his drink and asks, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies, "100."

The robot talks about Nascar, Football and Hockey.

The man finishes his drink, leaves, but is so interested in his "experiment" that he decides to try again.

He enters the bar and, as usual, the robot asks him what he want to drink.

The man replies, "Whiskey."

The robot brings the drink and asks, "What's your IQ?"

The man answers, "50."

The robot leans in real close and asks,

"So . . . are . . . you people . . . still happy . . . with Trump?

A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps you if you lie.

Dad: Son, where were you at school hours?

Son: At school.

The robot slaps the son

Son: Okay I was watching KungFu Panda!

The robot slaps his son again.

Son: Okay I was watching violent movies!

Dad: What?! When I was your age I never watched those kinds of movies!

The robot slaps the dad.

Mom: Haha, after all, he is your son.

The robot slaps the mom...

Shortly after the Chernobyl incident...

...China, America, and Germany came too help with their state of the art cleanup robots, and sent them out to show them off to each other.
The Chinese robot broke down even before it could reach the cleanup site.
The Americans cheered as their robot performed its task in the highly irradiated cleanup zone, but it too broke down in only 8 minutes.
The German robot with its superior german engineering managed to perform its task for a full 20 minutes before finally succumbing to the immense heat and radiation.
But all this time, the Russian robot was hard at work, and the engineers and scientists of all the other nations watched in awe as the Russian robot continued to send back signals for another full hour.
They asked the soviet officer stationed there, “How is your robot still active after all this time?”
The soviet officer looked at them, then took a glance at the clock, and shouted in to the megaphone, “Private Dimitri! Your shift is over! Come out for a smoke.”

A man walks into a bar...

A man goes into a bar in New York where there is a robot bartender. The robot says, “What will you have?
The guy replies, “Whiskey.”
The robot brings back his drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?”
The guy says, “168.”
The robot continues to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical technology.

After the guy leaves and, the more he thinks about it, the more curious he gets, so he decides to go back.
The robot asks, “What’s your drink?”
The guy answers, “Whiskey.”
The robot returns with his drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?”
The man replies, “100.” The robot talks about NASCAR, Budweiser, the Lions, and LSU.

The man finishes his drink, leaves, but is so interested in this “experiment” that he decides to go back. He enters the bar and, as usual, the robot asks him what he want to drink.
The man replies, “Whiskey.”
The robot brings the drink and asks, “What’s your IQ?”
The man answers, “50.”

The robot leans in real close and asks, “So . . . are . . . you people . . . still unhappy Hillary didn't get in?"

A man ordered for a voice automated robot car

A man ordered for a voice automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error.

He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes.

One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school as she was very tired.

The man agreed and said to the car...
Car, go and bring my children from school.

The car went and didn't return in time as expected, they knew something must be wrong.

Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive.

He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station.

As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children.

The car parked right in front of them and said... "These are your children sir..!"

In the car were their Landlady's two daughters, his wife's best friend's daughter, his secretary's son and their neighbours two sons.

The Wife in full anger said
Don't tell me all these are your children..??

The man asked her calmly...
First you tell me why our children are not in the car ??

A man decides to buy a lie-detecting robot that slaps people who lie,

and decided to test it out on his son at Dinner.

"Did you go to school today, Jim?" asks the father.

"Yes," replies the son, "I, did go to school"
The Robot slaps him. "FINE, I went to the movies!

"Which one did you see?" the Father proceeds to ask.

"Toy Store 3" mumbled the son.
Once again, the robot slaps him.
"FINE! I saw an R-Rated film!"

"When we were your age, we would be killed if we watched an R-rated film! Heck, we didn't even know what those were at the time!" yells the father. The robot slaps him.

The mother laughs and says "Haha, after all, he IS your son." The robot slaps her as well.

Automated robot car

A man ordered for a voice automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error.

He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes.

One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school as she was very tired.

The man agreed and said to the car; Car, go and bring my children from school.

The car went and didn't return in time as expected, they knew something must be wrong.

Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive.

He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station. As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children.

The car parked right in front of them and said; "These are your children sir". In the car were their Landlady's two daughters, their choir mistress's two sons, his wife's best friend's daughter, their pastor's son and their neighbours two sons.

The Wife said; Don't tell me all these are your children ?.

The man asked her calmly; Can you first tell me why our children are not in the car?. ...

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie...

The man decided to try it out at dinner.

Dad: Son, where were you during school hours?

Son: At school.

The robot slaps the son.

Son: Ok! I was at my friend's house watching a DVD.

Dad: Which one?

Son: Kung Fu Panda

The robot slaps the son again.

Son: Ok! It was a porno.

Dad: What!? When I was your age I didnt even know what porno was.

The robot slaps the dad.

Mom: HAHAHAHAHA. He is your son after all!

The robot slaps the mom.

A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps you if you lie.

Dad: Son, why were you up so late last night?

Son: I wasn't! The robot slaps the son.

Son: Okay I was watching a kung-fu movie! The robot slaps his son again.

Son: Okay, fine, I was watching a porno!

Dad: What?! When I was your age I never watched those kinds of movies! The robot slaps the dad.

Mom: Haha, after all, he is your son. The robot slaps the mom.

A sprinter is training one day when he beats the world record.

After this he wakes up in the hospital with a concussion and a completely shattered foot.
"I'm afraid this happens sometimes in jokes," says the doctor, "and frankly you got off lightly. You reached the limit of what the laws of physics allow for and hit the fourth wall."

"Does this mean I can never get any faster?" The sprinter asks.

"Exactly. You've gone beyond what any human has ever achieved but now your foot is lost. I can give you a good prosthetic and some physiotherapy but you'll never be as fast as you were. Perhaps it would be best to retire from running."


"But I am a sprinter!" exclaims the sprinter, "If I dont sprint, I'm not anyone! No invisible wall is getting the better of me!"


After months of physical therapy and retraining himself all over again, sheer force of will puts the sprinter back on the track and ready to beat his previous time.

The sprinter sets off again, and runs harder and faster than he even managed before, when- THUD. He sees his body smash into the invisible wall, blood and limbs spread everywhere. "Not again!" the sprinter screams, as everything goes dark and he passes into a coma.


He wakes up in hospital, weeks later. He can't see whatever's left of his body under all the plaster and tubes everywhere.


"Not you again," says the doctor. "Somehow we've managed to reconstruct most of your body from the mess you made on the wall and we had a team of engineers take care of the rest. But even if you can do this you really shouldn't, I don't know if I can fix you again."


Completely undeterred, the sprinter, now almost more machine than man, continues training to be even better than he was. He has his cyborg legs upgraded and improved upon, and trains his body ten hours a day every day for eight years.


It's the big day. The story's gotten out and the sprinter now appears in front of a stadium of thousands as the world gathers to watch his third attempt to get through the fourth wall.
Equipped with a titanium exoskeleton and battering ram, the sprinter takes his mark for his third and final showdown with the fourth wall.


As he speeds up, his life flashes before his eyes, he remembers being the fastest kid on the playground and how everything he's done since then has led up to this moment- the fastest being on Earth, facing his ultimate challenge- his destiny will be decided here and now. He will break the fourth wall or die trying.


He screams as he hits the wall at what to the audience might as well have been the speed of light.
As the dust from the track settles, the audience gasp in disbelief and horror.
All that remains of the sprinter is a puddle of red and grey goo running down an invisible wall with a very visible crack through the middle.


The same doctor who saved the patient twice before is there in the hospital when the sprinter's reconstructed brain is somehow revived in a robot body.


"Well," he says to the doctor, "I suppose this is a running joke.".




Edit: Changed a couple of phrases (and who delivers the punchline). I'm sorta making this up on the fly.

Trump visits NASA...

He called a meeting of all the top scientists and department heads. As a staffer called for quiet, everyone took a seat and Trump stepped up to the lectern and began speaking.

"I'm very happy to be here with the fine people of NASA today. Very happy. As you know, during my campaign I promised the people that I would Make America Great Again. We had a great campaign, didn't we? The best. The very best. Marvelous. Anyway, you folks here at NASA have accomplished some amazing things over the years. The moon landing: great! The Mars robot car thing, just great. But to be honest, that's old news. Old news. I know you're working on projects to go back to the moon and mars, but today I'm here to announce that we're scrapping all that. Let Europe or China do all that. They can have it. It's boring. We need a bold, new vision to show our greatness to the world once again. So, today, I'm directing NASA to begin a new American space project:"

"We're going to the sun!"

The room fell into shocked silence for a moment. Then, one engineer near the front raised his hand. Trump nodded his way.

"Uh, sir?" he said "That is, uh, Mr. President? Um, well sir, the sun is an ongoing nuclear reaction with a surface temperature of nearly 6000 degrees Kelvin..."

The President continued to stare at him.

"...uh, that is to say, it's hot, sir. The sun is very, very hot. Any ship we sent would melt long before it could reach the sun. Sir."

Trump furrowed his brow, and said "Huh. Hadn't thought of that. Let me make a few calls. I know some smart guys. Very smart. Give me an hour and I'll get back to you."

An hour later, Trump re-entered the room, and once again stepped to the lectern.

"Ok, we got it. It was actually Dr. Ben Carson who came up with this. Great guy. Did you know that he's black? The blacks, they just love me. They really do. Anyway, here it is, and to be frank I'm kind of disappointed that you people didn't think of this. I mean you're supposed to be a bunch of geniuses, right? So, here it is."

"We're gonna go...at night."

Space Bar and the Robot

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

The man thought a moment then replied? "A martini please."

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered "Oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', inter-stellar space travel', the latest medical breakthroughs, etc...

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A martini please."

Again it was superb.? The robot again asked "What is your IQ sir?"

This time the man answered , "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this week end.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?" This time the man drawled out " Uh..... bout 50".

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,

"A-r-e...
y-o-u-r...
p-e-o-p-l-e...
r-e-a-l-l-y
g-o-i-n-g...
t-o...
n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e...

M-i-c-h-e-l-l-e...B-A-C-H-M-A-N-N
o-r
R-i-c-k...P-E-R-R-Y?"

A man buys a lie detector robot

That slaps people who lie, and be decides to try it out on his son during dinner.
“Where were you during school hours?” He asks.
“At school!” His son replies.
The robot slaps the boy.
“Ok I was at my friends house....” His son says.
“What were you doing there?
“Reading comics!”
The robot slaps the son again.
“Ok ok!! We were watching an erotic movie...”
“What?? I didn’t even know erotic movies existed when I was your age!” The dad exclaims.
The robot quickly slaps him.
His wife laughs and says, “Wow, he really IS your son-“
The robot slaps the wife.

The Robocar

A man ordered for a automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error.
He became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes.

One day he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pickup children from school as she was tired.

The man agreed and said to the car," Car, go and bring my children from school. The car went and didn't return on time as expected, they knew something must be wrong.

Several hours later and no sign of car, the man became apprehensive.

He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station.

As he and his wife stepped outside they saw a car coming overloaded with children.

The car parked right in front on them and said, " here are your children sir!"

In the car there were landlady's two daughters, his wife's best friend's daughter , his secretary sonsand their neighbours two sons.

His wife said in anger," don't tell me that all these children are yours.

Man replied calmy," first you tell me that why our children are not In the car?"

A guy walks into a bar, and is greeted by a robot.

The robot says, “What’s your drink”? The man replies, “Whisky”. The robot then says, “What’s your IQ”? The man says 150. The robot then pours his whisky and proceeds to talk to the man about the space time continuum, time travel, and the multiverse. The man finishes his drink, and leaves the bar.

As he was walking out, he thought, “I’m gonna try that again, see if I get a different response.” So he walks back in and the robot asks him again, “What’s your drink?”. The man again says “whisky”. The robot asks him for his IQ, and this time the man says 110. The robot pours his drink and begins to talk about nascar and normal people talk. He finishes his whisky and exits the bar.

He gets the idea to try it again. He walks back in, and again the robot asks him “What’s your drink?”. The man says “Whisky”. The robot asks “What’s your IQ?”. The man replies “50”. The robot pours his drink and says “You still upset Hillary lost?”

My dad came up with this one, thought I’d share it with you guys

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