Musician Jokes

Contents

Funniest Musician Jokes

What's the difference between a rock musician and a jazz musician? A rock musician plays 3 chords for 20,000 people, and a jazz musician plays 20,000 chords for 3 people

People told Beethoven he could not be a musician because he was deaf. He didn't listen though.

Guys I really want to break up with my Jazz musician girlfriend but I can't The Sax is too good

Funny Musician Jokes

What's the difference between a musician & a park bench? A park bench can support a family of 4

Why the musician sold his computer... Not enough gigs.

Don't let anyone tell you what you can or cannot do. Look at Beethoven. Everyone told him he'll never be a musician because he was deaf.

But did he listen?

How do you get a musician off your porch? Pay for the pizza.

What should you do when a musician comes to your door? Pay him and take your pizza.

My friend is so rich He thought Manual labor was a Spanish musician

Being an aspiring musician is like getting a contract with Verizon. 10 gigs for $80 a month

Why did the musician give his daughters the same name? So he could yell "Anna 1, Anna 2!"

Why was the musician arrested? He fingered A Minor.

Many people told Beethoven he would never be a musician just because he was deaf But did he listen?

What's the quickest way to get a musician off your front porch? Tip him for the pizza.

How do you get a musician off of your porch? You pay for the pizza.

What's the difference between a Blues musician and a Jazz musician? A blues musician plays 3 chords to audiences of thousands.

A jazz musician plays thousands of chords to audiences of 3

What do you call a musician who's been dumped by his girlfriend? Homeless!

Did you hear about the musician who played through the silent part of a song? He was charged with resisting a rest

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend? Homeless

Someone told me I couldn't be a musician because I'm deaf. But I didn't listen to them.

What's the difference between a musician and a park bench? A park bench can support your family.

What do you call a musician with no girlfriend? Homeless.

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he was invited to a classical musician theme Halloween party? I'll be Bach.

What's the difference between a musician and a large pizza? The pizza can feed a family of 4.

A musician died while smoking weed from a dollar bill... At least he went out on a high note

What do you call it when one musician abuses another? An act of violins.

What's the difference between a musician and a bag of rice? The bag of rice can feed a family of four.

What did the Spanish musician say after they left the sound booth? Audios

My favorite musician pun ||: lather, rinse :||

How do you get a musician off your front porch? Pay for the pizza.

Why did the musician get fired Because he couldn't fix a minor problem that ended with major consequences and got himself in treble.

What was the musician doing when he was struck by lightning? He was conducting.

Why did the musician get sent to jail? For fingering A minor.

What’s the difference between a musician and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of 4...

Why did the police arrest the musician who homemade his instruments? Domestic violins!

What's the difference between a musician and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four

A woman stood in court accused of attacking her musician husband with his own guitars. The judge looked down from his elevated position and asked "First Offender?"

The accused replied "No your honour, first a Gibson then a Fender".

How do you determine who the best musician is? You compare their scores.

What's the difference between a musician and a dead body? One composes, the other decomposes...

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New Musician Jokes

I once met a very misfortunate polyamorous musician He was in a no strings attached relationship with his guitar.

A musician with bad eyesight goes to a optician Optician: How may I help you?

Musician: I need something to help me C sharp

In another timeline In another timeline Hitler becomes a musician and opens a chain of very successful record stores named the Vinyl Solution.

What does a british musician live in? Ab

Many people told Beethoven that he'd never be a musician because was deaf But did he listen?

What do you call a traveling musician with no hands, who also loves to wrestle? No-Holds Bard.

What do you call a musician who carries grain for living? Hall n' oates.

Why did the musician never play quietly? Pianissimo wasn't his forte.

What do you call a musician with erectile dysfunction? D flat.

How do you call a juvenile musician that got run over by a car a flat minor

Mozart was an amazing musician It’s a shame he died baroque.

Why did a musician get arrested? Because he was too playful with A minor

Which musician refuses to give up drinking using plastic straws? Joann Strauss

The sound of a musician on the stage bounces off the auditorium walls to surround the audience. The sound of a pigeon on a stage doesn't. The reason is a coo sticks

The sound from a musician on stage bounces off the auditorium walls to surround the audience. The sound from a pigeon on stage does not do this. The reason is a coo sticks.

A musician sees a pile of short cats He says: "Hey, a staccato!"

What does a jewish musician get when they are born? a C#

I made up a dad-style musician joke: Q. What is Donald Trump's least favorite guitar chord?

A. G7

My musician neighbour is scaring me I heard him fingering a minor

What period of music should a starving musician be listening to? Baroque

Everyone told Beethoven he'd never be a musician because he was deaf But did he listen?

I'm pretty sure I shouldn't be a musician First thing is, that I don't have the talent and the second is, that I cannot C sharp due to my glasses

The world's greatest blues musician and the world's greatest jazz musician are having dinner together. Who pays the tip? Nobody. They don't charge at the soup kitchen.

What’s a good musician pickup line? You have a nice Fmaj7.

I consider myself a musician I can finger A minor

What do you call a musician without a huge ego? Just a guy that plays music.

My friend is a musician that’s been experiencing writer’s block. So I wrote him a note.

People told Beethoven he couldn't be a great musician because he was deaf But did he listen?

What did the musician say when their track was very long? This song goes as far as the I can sing.

First post here so idk if it’s already been done. What kind of erection does a musician get? A tromboner

Note: Never piss off a musician with a steam roller Unless you want to B♭

What did the musician say to the other musician at the function. Looking #

What is the difference between a musician and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four.

What do you call a musician palm? Palm Cartney

Everyone told Beethoven he would fail as a musician because he was deaf. But did he listen?

What is it called when a musician has to use the toilet for the fourth time in a day? The fourth movement.

Never let anyone tell you what you can or cannot do Everyone told Beethoven he couldn’t be a musician just because he was deaf. But did he listen?

What’s the difference between a musician and a bucket of chicken? A bucket of chicken can feed a family of four.

-The church musician died. -So sad, what did he die of?

-Organ failure.

How does a jazz musician get a million dollars? By starting with two million dollars.

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Long Musician Jokes

One day a farmer discovers he has a talking horse

So, after talking to it for awhile, the horse decides that it wants to learn how to play guitar. So the farmer does the only logical thing, and buys the horse a guitar. Somehow, the horse learns how to play the guitar, and tours the country on talk shows, concerts, and even meeting the president. The farmer becomes rich, but still prefers the quiet of his farm, so he returns back to the farm. The horse still goes all over, now that he's been hired as a live musician for several talk shows, but he returns to the farm every so often to check in with the farmer and the farm animals. After a few months, the farmer discovers that a chicken can speak as well, and has a burning desire to play the drums. Despite the obvious punchline, the farmer buys a specialty set of drums for the chicken. The chicken forms a two animal band with the horse, and they tour the country, produce a few CD's, and make the farmer even more money. Soon, more animals, a donkey and a sheep join the band as the singer and the bassist. The chicken, sheep, and donkey are going to their next concert, but the horse flies back to the farm to find the farmer, sadly, dead in his bed. Never having experienced such deep sadness, the horse does what his human companions taught him: he goes to the bar, where he sees a newspaper that says the flight the sheep, donkey, and chicken crashed into the mountains, and none survived. The horse walks up to the bar, tears flowing from his eyes. The bartender looks up at the horse, and says "Why the long face?"

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.

​

Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.

"When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round. When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, "How about if we play for $10,000 a hole?" Tiger insists he couldn't possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap.

But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents. Stevie says, "You pick the place and I'll pick the time?"

Tiger says, "Fine. Pebble Beach."

Stevie replies, "Midnight!"

An old man is about to die.

While he is laying in his bed waiting to die, he said to his sons ( a rich musician, a rich doctor and a lawyer ) : When i die i want you to put in my coffin 5K $ each for my after life.

One week later the old man dies.

At his funeral the musician came and put 5k $ in his dads coffin while he's crying.
The doctor did the same thing , he left 5k $ and left crying.
Finally, the lawyer took the 10k $ and left a check with 15k$ and said : thank you dad.

Octopuses Garden

An octopus walks into a bar and sees a band playing in the corner, composed of those bar-room heroes, the Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman.
He walks up and says “I’m the best musician in the world. I can play any instrument you like”.
So the English guy goes “Alright then. Play this” and hands him a guitar.
The octopus plays it better than Jimi Hendrix, better than Chuck Berry, better than anyone and hands him back the guitar.
The Irishman says “Okay, how about this?” and shows him to the piano.
The octopus sits down and plays it like never before – Better than Jerry Lee Lewis and Elton John. The best pianist ever.
Finally, the Scotsman says “Alright, let’s see ya play this then” and hands him a set of bagpipes.
The octopus looks at them and fumbles with it.
Couple more minutes and he’s still struggling and there’s no sound coming out.
Couple more minutes and still nothing so the Scotsman says “Oh, so can you not play it then?”
And the octopus says “Play it? I’m gonna f*ck her when I get her pyjamas off”

A musician walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

"I play flute in a travelling orchestra" he said. "Last month, we played for the Ottoman sultan. He liked our performance and ordered to fill our instruments with sapphires. The cello got 1000 sapphires in, the drum got 2000 sapphires in, this piece of trash didn't get even one in.

Last week, we played for the German kaiser, and he also liked our performance and ordered to fill our instruments with gold. Cello got 2000 coins in, drum got 4000 coins in, this piece of trash didn't get even one in.

Yesterday, we played for the Russian czar, he said we are playing out of tune and ordered to shove our instruments up our asses. The drum didn't get in, the cello didn't get in, this piece of trash went in all the way to B flat!"

So a man was walking through a graveyard...

When he began hearing music coming from one of the graves. So he followed the sound and ended up at Beethoven's grave. Then he recognized the music, it was Beethoven's 9th but it was playing backwards! So the man called up his friend to come check it out and when the friend arrived Beethoven's 7th was playing, backwards as well. They called the caretaker and he arrived as Beethoven's 5th was playing and even he could not figure it out! They called doctors scientists and nobody could explain what was happening. Finally the music teacher arrived just as Beethoven's first was about to end and the crowd of people asked him what was happening. "That's easy!" The musician replied. "He's decomposing!"

The musician (long but worth it)

There was this musician in North Korea. One day he was called upon by Kim Jong-Un himself to compose a piece of music and have an orchestra play it live to him in the great auditorium.

The man, not wanting to displease the great leader did as he asked.

The big night came. With the musician stood at the front the orchestra played his masterpiece. However they were terrible!

“This isn’t how it’s supposed to sound!” The musician shouted at the orchestra, but the great leader was displeased and he called for the musician to be put to death.

Upon arriving at the execution, the musician was asked what he’d like for his final meal.

“I’d like a piping hot curry”, said the musician.

After eating his curry, the hottest curry he’d eaten in a long time, he sat in the electric chair and awaited his fate.

The switch was thrown, sparks flew across the room and the air filled with smoke... But nothing happened, the musician was unharmed.

Having witnessed this miracle, An awe struck Kim Jong-Un decided to give the musician another chance to impress him with his music.

He got straight to work, writing another piece of music, this time, his masterpiece.

The night came, and he stood in front of his orchestra as they completely murdered his piece of music.

“It wasn’t supposed to sound anything like that, nothing at all!” he exclaimed, but Kim Jong-Un isn’t the forgiving type and he sent the musician straight to the execution chamber.

Again, the guards asked him what he wanted for his final meal. This time the musician asked for a curry hot enough to burn his eyes out.

He chomped down the curry, teary eyed and sweating, then was strapped to the chair. Again they threw the switch and again the musician remained unaffected.

Dumbfounded, the great leader said, “One last chance to prove your worth”, amazed that this man was actually still alive!

The night of the third composition came, this time it was going to work, “surely this is the most masterful piece of music ever written” thought the musician.

For the third time, the orchestra failed to play the music to how the musician had written it and yet again he was sent to the execution chamber, with Kim Jong-Un himself set to throw the switch.

His final meal request was for the hottest curry ever made on this planet.

“No” said the great leader, I've had it with you and your super hot curries. We’re putting you straight in the chair this time, no final meal, you’re not walking out of here unharmed”

The musician was strapped in, the switch thrown by none other than Kim Jong-Un himself. Sparks flew, smoke bloomed an yet the man yet again was unharmed!

The great leader stood there, speechless.

The musician looked at him and said, “Oh, the curries had nothing to do with it, I’m just a terrible conductor.”

Great joke to make fun of any profession that is hard to get a job in

I'll be using a musician, since I'm a frustrated musician.

There once was a musician looking for a job, he was starting to get desperate since it had been so long since he made any money. One day he gets excited finding out that there's an opening for a musician in the Circus so he goes to the interview.

Arriving at the Circus, the Circus owner explains to him that unfortunately the musician job opportunity had already been taken, but if he really needed a job he had one for him...the musician is disappointed but so desperate he says he will be up to anything.

The circus owner shows him what he has to do, he has to dress up as a deer and cross the high rope over a cage full of hungry lions... hesitant, but desperate the musician accepts.

On his first night in the job, the musician gets ready for his performance, dresses up as a deer and starts crossing the high rope, when he is halfway through he falls, right into the middle of the lions and all the lions immediately surround him.

The lions start running towards him, getting closer and closer until the closest one is right in front of his face...

The lion takes off his mask and says "don't worry! just play along! we're all musicians!"

What do you call someone who hangs around with four musicians?

A drummer.



[Bonus]

How do you get the guitarist off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.

EDIT: Loving the contributions from everyone! I don't want to steal you guy's thunder so I'll just say scroll down for more musician jokes XDDDDD

A dictator approaches one of his country's finest musicians...

A dictator approaches one of his country's finest musicians, and asks him to compose a piece of music to be played by an orchestra in front of the country's ruling class.

The musician, not wanting to displease the glorious leader, sets to work immediately, and writes one of the greatest pieces he has ever written. A month passes, and the big day arrives. The musician stands in front of the orchestra, the rulers looking on, and signals the orchestra to play... and they absolutely butcher it.

The dictator, furious, demands that the musician be executed immediately. The guards drag him to a grimy cell, and ask him what he'd like for his last meal.

"I want the hottest curry you can cook!" demands the musician.

The guards oblige, and bring the musician the spiciest curry he's ever tasted. He forces it down, and is led to the electric chair. The guards strap him down, pull the lever, and... nothing. The musician is completely unharmed! The dictator, having witnessed the miracle, decides to give the musician a second chance to compose a piece of music for the country's rulers.

The musician once again sets to work composing a beautiful piece. The big day arrives, the musician stands in front of his orchestra, and, once again, they completely ruin the piece. It was nothing like the musician intended it to sound! The fuming dictator again orders the execution of this incompetent musician.

As before, the musician is asked what he would like for his last meal.

"I want the hottest curry you can cook, and even hotter than last time!" orders the musician.

The guards set to work and cook the musician the hottest curry they possibly can, throwing in a whole concoction of chili peppers and spices.

The musician, sweating, struggles to finish the curry, but chokes it down nonetheless. The guards once again lead him to the electric chair, and strap him down. They throw the switch, sparks fly, and once again, by some will of the gods, the musician is completely alive and well.

The dictator is stunned. He offers the musician one final chance to compose the greatest piece he can, and one chance only. The musician sets to work composing his greatest masterpiece, and finally the day of the concert arrives. The ruling classes look on as the musician takes to his podium. He raises his baton, takes a deep breath, and signals the orchestra to start playing.

The musician trembles. The orchestra are horribly out of key, out of time, and playing all the wrong chords. The dictator demands the concert be halted, and has the musician thrown in jail once again.

As before, the musician is asked what he would like for his final meal.

"The hottest curry that has ever been cooked!" instructs the musician.

The dictator, upon hearing this request, snaps, "absolutely not! I've had enough with you cheating death with your outrageously hot curries!"

The musician is dragged straight to the electric chair, and strapped down. He has wires connected to him in every place possible, and just for luck, the dictator announces that he will personally throw the switch this time.

The guards look on in angst. The dictator pulls the switch. Sparks fly and generators groan. The dictator holds the switch down for minutes on end before the power finally blows, yet, much to his amazement, the musician is completely unscathed!

"But, how?!" demands the dictator. "No man should survive that!"

"Oh!" exclaims the musician. "It had nothing to do with the curries! I'm just a terrible conductor!"

Some musician jokes

Q. Why don't violinists play hide and seek?

A. No one would look for them.

Q. How can you tell if a stage is level?

A. Drool is coming out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

Q. What is the definition of perfect pitch?

A. Tossing an accordion into a dumpster without hitting the sides.


Q. How do you get two guitarists to play in unison?

A. Shoot one.

Q. How can you tell if a cello is out of tune?

A. The bow is moving.

Q. Why are musician jokes so short?

A. So the bassist can understand them.

Q. If a conductor and a watermelon are both dropped from a 24 story building, what hits the ground first?

A. Who cares?

Q. How can you keep your violin from being stolen?

A. Keep it in the violin case.

There was this musician in North Korea....

One day he was called upon by Kim Jong Un to compose a piece of music and have the Great North Korean Orchestra play it live to him in the Humble Auditorium.

The musician, not wanting to displease the Great Leader, did as he asked and got to work composing a piece of music. One week later, on the night of the performance, the musician accepted the applause and stood in front of the orchestra. He breathed in gently, smiled and looked around and prompted the musicians to begin playing.

They were AWFUL! They didn't play the music like it had been written, they were out of sync, out of tune, the strings were ahead of the wind instruments, the drummer seemed to have a mind of his own and the audience winced in pain.

Embarassed that he had told his dinner guests about the brilliance of North Korean musicians only to be greeted by this performance, Kim Jong Un immediately ordered the musician to be executed.

The guards came, and offered the musician a last meal before his execution. "I'll have a hot curry," said the musician. When it arrived he ate it slowly and carefully - it was the hottest curry he had in a while, and then he sat in the electric chair to await his fate. The guards flipped the switch and smoked filled the room with sparks flying everywhere - but nothing happened - the musician was unharmed.

Impressed by the man surviving his ordeal, Kim Jong Un decided to give the musician another chance to impress him. The man thanked the Great Leader and got straight to work writing another piece of music.

"This is it!" the musician thought as he finished crafting what was the most brilliant piece of music he had ever created. The big night came and again he stood in front of the orchestra.

He smiled, nodded and the orchestra began. It was WORSE than the first time. The brass sounded like shrieking cats, the wind instruments sounded like howling wind in a thunderstorm and the pace was too fast.

Angry that he had been embarrassed once again - the Great Leader called for execution. Again, the man asked for curry for his last meal. "This time I'd like extra chilli," he said. So he ate his curry and sat in the electric chair. Again - sparks flew, smoke filled the room - but nothing happened. The man was unharmed.

Amazed that he was still alive, the Great Leader gave him a final chance. "This had better be your best music ever!" he warned the musician.

Humbly the musician thanked him, bowed graciously and left to compose his next piece. For weeks on end he laboured, changing notes, trying new variations, experimented with previously unheard variations to minor keys - until one day he had cracked it.

"This is my masterpiece!" he cried. The night of the performance came - and again the man stood in front of the orchestra, looked around at them with the expression of a man who was sure nothing could go wrong and they began.

It was a COMPLETE DISASTER! They sounded even worse than the first two times. The audience left the Auditorium shrieking and covering their ears. Nothing in the history of humanity had ever sounded that awful.

"That's it!" bellowed the Great Leader - "Let's take you to be executed straight away. No curry, no last meal. This madness must be stopped!" he exclaimed.

They took the musician away, strapped him into the electric chair, turned the voltage up to the maximum and waited.

This time, the sparks filled the room, a small fire started at the base of the chair, the smoke was dark and heavy and the musician started twitching in the chair.

"Finally," thought the great leader, "that should do it." But when the smoke cleared, the man was still alive smiling.

"But we didn't give you any chili," said Kim Jong Un.

"Oh, it had nothing to do with the chilli," the man said, "I'm just a terrible conductor."

The musician

There was once a musician who lived in North Korea. One day he was called up by Kim Jong-Un and asked to compose a piece for the great North Korean orchestra play it live for him and the entire country. The man, not wanting to displease the leader, did what was asked of him.

The musician completed the piece, and then came the big night. However, the musicians sounded terrible. The piece sounded nothing like the composer wanted it to.

The great leader was disappointed, and had him sentenced to death. Upon arriving at his death sentence, he was asked what he would like his last meal to be.

"Piping hot curry!" he said.

He ate his curry, was tied to the chair, and the switch was flipped. However, the musician was unharmed.

The great leader was in awe. Having witnessed this himself, he decided to give the musician another chance at writing a piece of music.

The composer put all his work into writing this piece. But come the night of the concert, the piece sounded terrible yet again.

And yet again, he was sentenced to death. For his last meal, he had piping hot curry again. He ate his meal and the switch was thrown. However, the musician was unharmed.

The great leader, again in awe, decided to give him one last chance.

So the musician got to work, putting even more work into this piece than he did the last one. But come the night of the concert, it sounded nothing like the musician had written.

He was once again sentenced to death. When asked what he wanted for his last meal, he yet again asked for piping hot curry.

However, the great leader denied his request and flipped the switch himself. Sparks flew, smoke filled the room, but the musician sat in the chair unharmed.

"How is this possible?" the Great Leader asked. "How is it you've survived, yet you didn't eat any hot curry?"

"Oh, the curry had nothing to do with it." the musician said. "I'm just a terrible conducter."

There was a church...

Sometime around the 1950’s, there was a small village in a remote region somewhere in the American South, and at the center of this village was a tall church.

As most churches of this period, this church had, as its crowning glory, a tall bell tower. The jewel of the crown was, naturally, a large brass bell.

An elderly woman from the church had been pulling the rope to ring the bell every Sunday since before anyone could remember. She had a special technique that made an exceptionally pleasant sound.

That is, until her untimely death at the age of 89. Thus began the process of finding a new employee to faithfully ring the church bell week after week.

An ad was placed in the regional newspaper by the church secretary, and, much to everyone’s surprise, many people applied.

After narrowing down the applicants to the top five, the secretary took each to try their hand at ringing the giant bell.

Each pulled the rope with gusto, and the bell chimed and rang like any bell would. Unfortunately, none of them could make it sound half as good as the elderly woman had.

Disappointed, the church secretary sent the applicants away. Just as she was ready to begin the whole process again, she heard a knock on the church office door.

In walked the ugliest, most mangled-faced man she had ever seen. Gasping at his pure hideousness, she caught her breath and asked, “May I help you?”

“I am here to apply for the job of ringing that bell, ma’am.”

“Well, OK. Let’s see what you can do.”

The two of them walked over to the bell rope, but the ugly man asked if they could climb up the tower, and ring it from inside the top of the tower!

The secretary obliged, and the two climbed the steep steeple stairway to the top.

The man examined the bell, took a few steps back, ran up and SMASHED HIS FACE straight into the bell...

...and it made the most beautiful sound that anyone in the village had ever heard.

Wiping away a small tear brought on by the sheer loveliness of the sound, the secretary told the man he had the job.

For the next few months, Sunday after Sunday, the mangled-faced man would take few steps back, run up, and smash his face into the bell. And every week, the sound was so wonderful that the village folk would stop whatever they were doing to listen.

Church attendance was growing larger than ever, and the secretary was more than pleased with the new employee.

Then, on Easter Sunday, the ugly man decided to make the sound extra special and louder than ever.

So he took a step back...

...and an extra step for more speed...

...and just one more tiny extra step back, and...

...

...

...he lost his footing, tumbling backwards out of the bell tower.

He landed with a thud on the sidewalk below. Dead as a door nail.

The townsfolk gathered around, distraught at their misfortune.

“What was his name?”
“Does anyone know his name?”
“Someone get the church secretary. She hired him. Surely she knows his name!”

So they bring the church secretary to identify the poor man.

She finally breaks through the crowd, takes a long sad look at him and says...

“Well, I don’t know his name...

...but his **face rings a bell**.”




———————————

If that wasn’t torture enough, there’s a Part II ;)

———————————



So, after the trauma of losing the most amazing musician anyone had ever heard, and the obligatory three week mourning period for bell-ringers, the church secretary decided its time to begin the search for a new employee.

The ad, once again, gets a fair amount of attention. Several candidates are brought in, but none can even hold a candle to the dead nameless ugly man.

The secretary is about to give up hope completely when, lo and behold, there’s a knock on the office door.

Like a blast from the past, in walks an even uglier, more mangled faced man.

“Hi ma’am, I’m here to apply for the job of bell ringer. I actually have a family history of unique church bell ringing.”

“Well, you do remind me of our last bell ringer...”

“Oh, he was my brother, George!”

“Well sir, let’s go see what you can do.”

The two, just like last time, climb the steep steeple stairs. The uglier man takes a few steps back, runs up, and SMASHES HIS FACE directly into the bell.

As unlikely and unbelievable as it may seem, the sound was even more wonderful and beautiful than his brother.

You know the story...

4th of July rolls around, the uglier man wanted to make a bigger and better ringing than anyone had ever heard.

So he took a step back...

...and an extra step for more speed...

...and just one more tiny extra step back, and...

...

...

...you guessed it. He lost his footing, tumbling backwards out of the bell tower.

He landed with a thud on the sidewalk below. Dead. Door Nail style.

Once again, the townsfolk gathered around, distraught at their continued misfortune.

“What was THIS guy’s name?”
“Does anyone know his name?”
“Someone get the church secretary. She hired him. Surely she got his name this time!”

So they bring the church secretary to identify yet another poor dead man.

She finally breaks through the crowd, takes one look at him and says...

“Well, I never asked his name,

But he’s a **dead ringer** for his brother George.”

A frog needs a loan...

...so he goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a loan to take a holiday.'
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks 'Okay, well what's your name?' The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, son of the musician Mick Jagger.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, 'Sure. I have this' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who wants a loan and he wants to use this as collateral.'
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?' The bank manager looks back at her and says 'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!'

I can't keep a steady job!

I worked in an orange juice factory but I got canned. I couldn’t concentrate.
I worked in the woods as a lumber jack but I just couldn’t hack it. They gave me the ax.
I worked as a tailor but I wasn’t suited for it. Mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
I worked in a muffler factory but it was too exhausting.
I attempted to be a deli worker but any way I sliced it I couldn’t cut the mustard.
I worked as a musician but I found out I wasn’t note worthy.
I worked as a doctor but I didn’t have any patience.
I became a professional fisherman but I found out I couldn’t live on my net income.
I worked as a pool maintenance worker but it was too draining.
I worked at the zoo, feeding giraffes, but I wasn’t up to it.
I worked as a historian but found out that there’s no future in that.
I worked at Starbucks but I quit because it was always the same old grind.

a Doctor arrives at the pearly gates....

St. Peter asks him who he is, he replies ”I’m a surgeon, I help the crippled to walk and the blind to see” Come on in, St Peter says. Next a teacher shows up, St Peter asks who he is, ”I’m a Teacher, I help educate the ignorant and prepared them for successful careers”. St Peter says "come on in". A musician comes along St Peter asks who he is, and he says ”I was a Musician, I make depressed people happy and I give lonely people a reason to go out and celebrate life”. St Peter says ” That’s great, you can load your gear in through the kitchen”

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.

Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.

"When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round. When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, "How about if we play for $10,000 a hole?" Tiger insists he couldn't possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap.

But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents. Stevie says, "You pick the place and I'll pick the time?"

Tiger says, "Fine. Pebble Beach."

Stevie replies, "Midnight!"

There was once a Musician in North Korea

One day, Kim Jong Un himself calls the musician and asks him to direct a concert for his entertainment. Not daring to say no to the Supreme Leader, he agreed.

So the man assembled the best orchestra in all of Korea to play the piece he composed for the Leader. However when it was time to perform, the Orchestra was horrible, everything was off pitch and no one seemed to have any rhythm.

Displeased, Kim ordered for the man to be executed. When asked what his final meal was to be, the man replied "I want a curry so spicy my eyes will melt." The man ate the curry and began tearing up at how spicy it was, and it was time for him to be executed.

He was sat down in the chair and the switch was pulled. Sparks flew and smoke quickly filled the room, but the man appeared to be completely unharmed!

Surprised by this miracle, the Supreme Leader says "Alright, I'll give you another chance to entertain me" and the man quickly went to work composing another masterpiece.

Again he assembled the best orchestra in all of Korea and went before the Leader to perform, but this time the Orchestra performed even worse, by far the worst music to ever hit the Leader's ears.

So Kim Jong Un again orders for the man to be executed and again he was asked for what his final meal was to be. "I want the Spiciest curry in all of Korea" and the guards complied and gave the man the Spiciest curry he'd ever eaten, even spicier than the last.

The man was then sat down in the chair and the switch was pulled. Again Sparks flew and smoke filled the room, but again the man was completely fine!

"Alright," says the Supreme Leader, "I will give you 1 last chance to impress me" and the man went back to work. For a third time he assembled the best Orchestra in all of Korea and went to perform in front of the Leader.

But once again it was horrible, so bad in fact that Kim had to cover his ears to block it out. So once again the man was ordered to be put to death.

"Very well," said the man, "For my final meal I wish for the Spiciest curry in the entire world."

"No," said the Supreme Leader, "I have had it with your magical curry, you will be put straight to death." And so the man was strapped into the chair and this time the switch was pulled by none other than the Supreme Leader himself.

Sparks flew and smoke filled the room but the man still remained untouched! "What?!?!" exclaimed the Leader. "But how, you didn't eat any curry."

"Oh no no no sir, it was never about the Curry," said the man,

"I'm just a poor conductor."

A years worth of jokes

Every week a guy I work with sends out jokes, here is a years worth.

Oldest to Newest



Q.)Why did the musician drop a bolder on the building where he was supposed to play?

A.)He wanted to rock the joint



Q.)Why didn't the rancher let the cowboy near his horse?

A.)Because the cowboy was a bronco buster



Q.)Why are mallards good at dodge ball?

A.)They can duck



Q.)Why are heavy set gentlemen so brave?

A.)Because they have a lot of guts



Q.)Why don't cars have a problem with motivation?

A.)Because they are driven



Holiday bonus



Q.)What is a Christmas gift's biggest fear?

A.)A tapeworm



Q.)Why is the inch high Private Eye angry all the time?

A.)Because he is short with everyone



Q.)How do you tell if a light bulb is dumb?

A.)If it isn't very bright



Holiday Bonus



Q.)What kind of weather should you expect at the North Pole during Christmas?

A.)Snow and Reindeer (rain deer)



Q.)What do you call it when you cover someone with cherries?

A.)Berried (buried)



Q.)Why do lions think highly of themselves?

A.)Because they have a pride (group of lions is a pride)



Christmas Eve Bonus



Q.)Where does Santa put his money?

A.)The snow bank



Q.)Why are Olympic track silver medal winners always late?

A.)Because they are running behind



Q.)What did the carpenter say when they ask him if he was going to keep using Elmer's Glue?

A.)I have to. I am stuck with it.



Q.)What did the critic say in his review of the play put on by onions?

A.)It brought him to tears



Q.)Why was the farmer angry?

A.)He had a cow



Q.)Why is your under arm so depressed?

A.)Because it is just the pits



Q.)How much is a male deer worth?

A.)A buck



Q.)Why were the subjects wary of the fat bossy king?

A.)He liked to throw his weight around



Q.)Why did the enthusiastic party goer strap himself to TNT?

A.)He wanted to have a blast



Q.)Why were the butcher's goods so cheap?

A.)Because they were at cut rate prices



Q.)Why did the baker go out to the garden?

A.)He needed some flower



Q.)Why did the balding man take off his pants after coming from the doctor's office?

A.)The doctor told him hair loss was in his jeans (genes)



Q.)What kind of questions do pyromaniacs ask?

A.)Burning questions



Q.)Why are authors who crochet so anxious?

A.)Because they are on pins and needles



Q.)What do well read fishermen use as bait?

A.)Bookworms



Q.)Why is the Goodyear mascot always yawning?

A.)Because he's tired



Q.)Why did the security conscious individual put his valuables in his shoe?

A.)Because they said Foot Locker on them



Q.)Why did the artist use a blue pen to end all his sentences?

A.)Because he was in his blue period



Q.)What did a new IPod say to another one that was leaving?

A.)Stay in touch



Q.)What did the candidate suffer when all the ballets that elected his opponent fell on him?

A.)A crushing defeat



Q.)What kind of books does the Golden Gate Bridge read?

A.)Suspense novels



Q.)What kind of clothing do car engines wear?

A.)A hoodie



Current Events Bonus



Q.)Why don't some people like revolutions?

A.)Because they are revolting



Q.)Why are caves not satisfied with life?

A.)Because they are hollow inside



Q.)What do you call a shrub that someone threw a can of rat poison into?

A.)A brush with death



Q.)What do you call a door bell someone has shot?

A.)A dead ringer



Q.)Why did the farmer start feeding his cow money instead of hay?

A.)Because he wanted a cash cow



Q.)Why did the computer user install an air bag on his PC?

A.)In case it crashed



Q.)Why do conspiracy theorists camp around & watch the kitchen table?

A.)Because they often see saucers there



Q.)Why did the police officer make sure to take his hand cuffs when he jumped out of the plane without a parachute?

A.)Because he wanted to arrest the fall



Q.)Why did the psychiatrist search through the lost & found?

A.)His patients had lost their minds



Q.)Why did the fighter pilot paint his jet?

A.)He felt it was too plane (plain)



Q.)While the spy was being chased by the villain, why did he stop over a hole in the road?

A.)He was disguising himself as a manhole cover



Q.)Why did the candidate bring a large group of cattle with him to the debate?

A.)So he would be heard



Q.)Why did the insane asylum stop transporting patients to the facility in vehicles?

A.)People were being driven mad



Q.)Why did the police officer shoot the fleeing suspect in the ear?

A.) Because he was in ear shot



Q.)How did the ATF officer know the gun runner was nervous?

A.)He was sweating bullets



36 IS bonus



Q.)How do PPM analysts prefer to listen to music?

A.)In stereo



Q.)Why do women find small private planes offensive?

A.)Because of all the Leers (Leer Jets)



Q.)What do you call an octopus that is holding steak knife?

A.)Armed and dangerous



Nerd Bonus



A.)What kind of music does the sun listen to?

B.)Soul (the star we know as the sun is called Sol)



Q.)Why did the intoxicated gentleman continual try to pour the young lady into his glass?

A.)Because her name was brandy



Q.)What do you call a container that usually holds water or propane but instead is crammed full of Mensa candidates?

A.)A think tank



Q.)Where are most of surveys in the world taken?

A.)Pole-land



Q.)Why are snowmen constantly in doctor's office?

A.)Because they always have head colds



Q.)Why don't car salesmen go driving?

A.)They would end up with the Benz (Mercedes-Benz)



Q.)What is the Color Guard's favorite month of the year?

A.)March



Q.)Why don't ants make computers?

A.)Because there would be too many bugs in the systems



Q.)Why don't Red Cross reps go to rock quarries to get blood donations?

A.)Because they don't want to try to get blood from a stone



Q.)Why aren't lions, pumas, and tigers bothered when people go to the big cat reserve at the zoo?

A.)Because they're never spotted



Q.)Why don't nice guys mind playing Russian Roulette?

A.)Because nice guys finished last



Military Bonus



Q.)What is the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps favorite Flock of Seagulls song?

A.) I Ran (IRGC is a branch of the Iranian Military)



Q.)What kinds of sickness do shepherds suffer from?

A.)Staff infections



Q.)Why did the retired undertakers take up dealing colored cloth?

A.)He needs to be around things that were dyed



Q.)What do you call jokes told by a farmers?

A.)Corny



Q.)What kind of sickness are cows always coming down with?

A.)Hay fever



Q.)What sores do Roman troops have in large numbers?

A.)Lesions (Legions)



Q.)What kind of sickness do people who wear business shirts get?

A.)Collaria (Cholera)





Military Bonus



Q.)What do analysts, who have been in a cold sweat, do at the end of a tasker?

A.)A hot wash



Q.)Why do hair dressers make good detectives?

A.)Because they know to comb through the evidence



Q.)Why are fat people elected as judges more often than skinny people?

A.)Because they want people to weigh in on the topics and decided the weightier matters



Nerd Bonus



Q.)What kind of pants does Mario prefer?

A.)Denim, denim, denim.....denim, denim, denim (say it quickly)



Q.)Why don't people with bananas go to food fights?

A.)Because they're yellow



Q.)What is a mathematician's favorite art form?

A.)Paint by numbers



Q.)Why don't Texas Instruments make their products out of metal?

A.)Because then they would be cold and calculating



Q.)Why was the alligator mad at his victim when he was still in disbelief after the alligator chomped off his lower torso?

A.)Because he was no longer pulling his leg



Q.)What would explorer Ponce de León have said if he had found the Fountain of Youth?

A.)I fount it



Q.)Why would Einstein never allow a clone to be made of him?

A.)Because then he would be 2 smart for his own good.



America Bonus



Q.) Why are there no knock knock jokes about America?

A.) Because Freedom rings



Q.)Why shouldn't people be upset about water spots?

A.)Because it should just wash out



Q.) Where might officers prefer to work?

A.) In the office



Q.) What on what type of TV does the last state of matter like to watch programing?

A.) A plasma screen



Q.)What do farmers say when they want people to look at their geese?

A.)Take a gander



Q.)Why do pilots consider birds cowardly?

A.)Because they are always taking flight



Nerd joke



Q.) What kind of phone does Steven Hawking use?

A.) A smart phone



Q.)Why do passengers find aircraft that they are on to be boring?

A.)Because they are just plain (plane)



Q.)What do you call a magician that levitates silverware?

A.)A fork-lift



Q.)Why do construction crews eat ice cream with a fork?

A.)Because there are forks in their rocky-road



Q.) Why are cheerleaders on the bottom of the pyramid smarter than the ones at the top?

A.) Because they understand



Q.)What do you call world news that is transmitted electronically?

A.) Current events



Q.)Why do mathematicians prefer pencils over pens?

A.)They are all about graphite



Bonus joke



Q.) What do you call a dog that brings you the door from a Chemical R&D building?

A.) A Labradoor Retriever



Q.)Why do bananas get traffic tickets when they drive their vehicles?

A.)Because they like to peel out before they split



Q.)Why can't rulers send correspondence without visiting the beach?

A.)Because the letters need a seal



Q.) What is Sherlock Holmes' favorite game to play?

A.) Win, Lose, or Draw a conclusion



Q.)Why do chickens often suffer from cabin fever?

A.)Because they are always being cooped-up



Q.)What do you call an Olympian who starts chocking on his dinner during the 200 yard dash?

A.)A running gag



Bonus joke



Q.) Why do parties end and individuals become depressed when people name Al leave?

A.) Because there is no morale (no more al)



Q.)Why aren't taxidermists allowed to take part in political debates?

A.)Because they are always beating a dead horse



Q.)Why do banks around volcanoes that have exploded have no money?

A.)Because they gone through bankruptcy



Bonus joke



Q.)Why was the patient sore at the dentist?

A.)Because he struck a nerve



Q.)Why don't salary employees like to work while sitting on hour-glasses?

A.)Because that's overtime



Q.)After the boy scouts got setup to spend the night in the woods, why did Billy set the tents on fire?

A.)He wanted a camp fire



Military Bonus



Q.)What is a CDE analyst's favorite dance?

A.) The CHA CHA (Collateral Hazard Area)



Q.)Why don't the other geometric shapes hang out with cubes?

A.)Because they are really square



Q.)Why aren't mustangs taken seriously?

A.)Because they're always horsing around



Q.)Why don't paranoid math students want to do geometry problems on graph paper?

A.)Because then they would be on the grid



Q.)Why did the shark get friendly with the bait?

A.)Because he wanted to be chums



Q.)Why don't tailors get along?

A.)Because they are always sizing each other up



Q.)Why did they not want to have battles during the day in medieval times?

A.)Because then you couldn't have any knights



Q.)Why are knights often picked for tasks involving combat?

A.)Because they are well suited (suite of armor)



Q.)Why are bus drivers always in favor of a revolution?

A.)Because they are always asking for exact change



Current Events Bonus



Q.)Why was the CDC employee quarantined after playing a game of electronic bowling?

A.)Because Ebola is deadly



Q.)Why do they throw rainbows out of comedy clubs?

A.)Because they tell colored jokes



Q.)Why do people get depressed after they eat peaches?

A.)Because then it's the pits



Q.)What is the preferred method of communication for MMA fighters?

A.)They like to TAPOUT messages in Morse Code



Q.)Why do jockeys like to drive cars?

A.)Because of all that horse power



Q.)Why do stallions dread public speaking?

A.)Because they are always horse



Holiday Bonus



Q.)Why aren't turkeys hungry on Thanksgiving?

A.)Because they are usually stuffed



Q.)What did the 911 operator do when do when she heard that the caller was dangling from a high height?

A.)She told him to please hold



Q.)Why do other circus acts dislike the high-wire performers?

A.)Because they think they're uppity



Q.)Why did the entrepreneur move his merchandise outside?

A.)Because he wanted to outsell the competition



Q.)What did the tourists say about the world's largest glass house after it was broken?

A.)It's not all it's cracked up to be



Q.)What do you get for the person who has everything?

A.)Antibiotics



Q.)What was Strategic Air Command's favorite part of Christmas?

A.) Mistletoe (Missile toe)

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