Florida Jokes

Contents

Funniest Florida Jokes

If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving? The police officer.

I went to this restaurant on the beach in Florida and ordered something called the Pelican Burger. It was good, but the bill was enormous.

A man in Florida has been caught on CCTV stealing police car tyres. Police are reported to be working tirelessly to catch the thief.

Funny Florida Jokes

What do a Florida hurricane, a Kansas tornado, and an Arkansas divorce have in common? Some poor sap's gonna lose a trailer.

The state of Florida is a navigational anomaly... The further north you go the more southern it gets.

It's a good thing Gatorade was invented at the University of Florida and not Florida State University. Because then it would be Seminole fluid.

“Breaking news” Florida man with coronavirus arrested for coughing on people in public.

Says he was “spreading positivity”

This dude from Florida got mad at me the other day. Apparently people from Tampa aren't called tampons.

I was in Florida recently to visit a good friend... and saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read, "I miss Detroit."

So I broke the window, stole the radio, and left a note that read...

"I hope this helps."

It’s a good thing the popular sports drink was invented at Florida instead of Florida State... Because “Gatorade” is a much better name than “Seminole Fluid”.

Can't argue with that Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking ... and one blonde says to the other " Which do you think is further away ... Florida or the moon the other blonde says HELOOOOOOO can you see Florida

In Florida, a couple has been accused of making meth in a public library. Isn't that crazy? Florida has a library.

-Conan Monologue June 12, 2014

One day, not too far off, Florida will be an entirely Blue state. With the sea level rising, it'll be underwater.

Two blondes talking to each other... One asks the other, "Which one do you think is closer, Florida or the Moon?"

The other blonde says, "Well duh! You can't see Florida from here."

Florida man contracts herpes while checking his birthday prostitute's mouth for sores As meemum used to say, "you shouldn't look gift whores in the mouth"

I went to Florida yesterday and a cop asked me if I have a criminal record. I said no, Is that still required?

I was bitten by a Great White at a Florida beach. I mean, he used the phrase "Aryan Superior," but either way that was one coked-out skinhead.

Florida man fires gun at a retail store. It was target.

Judging from everything I’ve seen in the news... Florida Man is the worst super hero ever.

What's the difference between Florida and Atlantis? About 5 days.

Why did Donald Trump win Florida in the Presidential Election? Floridians have seen the positive effect an Orange can have on the economy.

My friend asked, “Aren’t you concerned Florida will be submerged from climate change?” I replied, I thought that’s what we were all trying to do, then we’ll stop.

Children in florida during the hurricanes, They all got free swimming lessons in the comfort of their home.

Gatorade Everybody knows that Gatorade was first used by the University of Florida's football program, but they weren't the first Florida team to create a hydrating beverage.

But unfortunately no one wanted to buy Seminole Fluid.

Walks into a Bar Walks into a Bar A man walked into a Florida bar with his crocodile and asked the bartender: "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure." "Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my crocodile."

What does the Florida State football team and a Florida State cheerleader have in common? They both suck for four quarters.

What's the difference between a bag of chips and an Ak47? It's easier to get an AK47 in Florida

I was driving down to Florida and got pulled over for speeding halfway through Georgia. The cop told me and my buddy that nobody goes that fast through his county. My friend leaned over and said, "Sherman did."

(Credit to u/hisownspace for the joke)

How many Florida men do you need before you can make change for a dollar? You can't. Nobody in Florida has any cents.

Florida lawmaker Randall Thompson is forced to resign after it is revealed he spent taxpayer money on expensive footwear for his wife. I guess Randall mishandled his panhandle sandal scandal.

Gatorade After seeing the wild success of the University of Florida's **Gator**ade, Florida State University also wanted to get in on the sports drink industry.

Weirdly, their **"Seminole Fluid"** was not well received.

Hurricane Irma Right now Irma is signaling for a left turn.


But it's Florida so, you know, you can't really be sure whats going to happen.

Gatorade Most people know Gatorade was developed at the University of Florida for its sports program, but they were not the first Florida school to do so.

Unfortunately no one wanted to buy Seminole Fluid.

According to latest news the current Governor of Florida used to own and run his own alligator farm. So not only does he have experience with horrible scaly reptiles he's also worked with alligators too.

Florida man wanted for stealing police tires! Police are working tirelessly to catch and apprehend the person at large...

What color is the sky in Florida right now? Dorian gray

The Original sports drink. Despite What The University of Florida Claims about Gatorade being the first sports drink Florida State Football had the first energy drink. They have been drinking Seminole Fluid for years.

Florida and the Moon Two Blondes living in New York are stargazing.
One looks to the other and asks "Which do you think is farther, Florida or the Moon?"
Her friend responds "You can't see Florida from here, duh."

Florida Gators drink Gatorade Florida State Seminoles drink Seminole fluid.

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New Florida Jokes

a mexican was kidnapped and taken to one of the florida keys as prisoner, one day he found a phone and was able to contact the authorities, when asked where he was, he said: Akey

2 Blondes siting in a backyard in Florida at night One says to the other What do you think is closer the moon or Texas... the other says the moon so the other asks how do you know and she replies duh can you see Texas

After considering Florida peeps trying to shoot at a hurricane incident... Shocked they're not trying to shoot at the coronavirus...

Gatorade- Named "Gator"-Ade because Florida "Gator" University created it. But what if........ Florida STATE University created it? Would they have named it "Seminole Fluid"?

A Florida man breaks into a woman’s house... ... to tell her he respects women’s rights.

Since Florida Girl doesn't have the same ring to it, would you then call her... Florida Ma'am?

How can you tell which Florida properties are owned by Donald Trump? Just look for the orange palms.

My family was on vacation in Florida when suddenly I heard someone scream that my mother in law fell into the alligator pool. Not thinking twice, I jumped in... ...to save the alligator.

I'm not making this up... Two Florida men were arrested after pulling a gun on a McDonald's employee who served them cold burgers

"I don’t play about my food."

The cook was in the back sweating.

South Florida continues to be plagued by invasive species: Iguanas, Pythons, New Yorkers.

Person: what is the worst excuse for killing someone? Psychopath: i don't know go ask anyone in Florida

That's a good one Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking ... and one blonde says to the other " Which do you think is further away ... Florida or the moon the other blonde says HELOOOOOOO can you see Florida

Why did the Florida fisherman fly to Alaska? Oh, for the halibut.

Created a profile on Tinder when I was in California and in my bio had California >< Florida on it. Got a match who said she right swiped because she wanted a parcel delivered from California to Florida . Apparently I have been Fedex zoned .

Florida recently passed a law that... Exotic dancers must cover at least 1/3 of their buttocks. Now, if that were also true for plumbers, we’d be golden.

2 Florida men get into a fight I have no idea what happened, but I'm sure it'll end up on the news.

What do the Florida Panthers and the RMS Titanic have in common? They're both stuck at the bottom of the Atlantic.

Did you hear about the people in Florida with no ears? Neither did they.

What do you call a turn signal in Florida ? No one knows , they don’t exist

A Florida Man... There’s no joke here but I know you clicked it cause it was bound to be crazy

Florida roulette Just like Russian,




But with a fully loaded cylinder

A 32 year old Florida man has died after overdosing on his homeopathic regimen. He forgot to take his pills.


Credit to the great James Randi

I heard it's so cold in Florida that frozen Iguanas are falling from trees. I'll make sure to bring a coat next time Iguana visit Florida.

The NHL's Florida Panthers have apologized to their fans for using Kevin Spacey in a marketing campaign it's probably for the best. He's a better fit with the Nashville Predators

I have a friend in Florida who likes to brag a lot... She says she's always hot.

What's the difference between credit fraud and and a touchdown? Credit fraud is a line the Florida Gators know how to cross

Church in Florida is underwater. With mass underwater they can get volume. Then solve for their density and realize they should have gotten out of Florida.

Ex who lives in Florida called and asked if she and her kids could come North and stay with me until the hurricane passes.


I said "Well, your dog can."

Florida Better prepare for.... Irmageddon

What's the difference between Florida and The Lost City of Atlantas? About 3 days

What do Florida poachers drink for breakfast? Gator-ade

What would Gatorade have been called if it was invented at Florida State? Seminole Fluid

Did you hear about the Florida teacher who stole the bottlenose dolphin from SeaWorld before Hurricane Matthew? She took it for educational porpoises.

What if Gatorade was invented for Florida State instead of the Gators? Would it be called Seminole Fluid?

It was 90° in Florida yesterday.... Women's skirts were so short you could see their cobwebs.

Uber Ark Driver Needed in Florida Panhandle area Just got a call from a friend on the Florida coast where a lot of rain is falling. He told me an Uber Ark driver position is available.

I don't know why people are upset about the Florida night club incident. I would love to get free shots at my local bar!

What did the Florida boy have on his feet? Crocs

I read a story about a Florida man named Arti that was paid a buck to strangle 2 innocent people in a Safeway parking lot... Oddly enough, the headline was "Artichokes 2 for $1 at Safeway"

Jeb says hes good at fixing things and I don't doubt him... People who voted in Florida during the 2000 presidential election know what I'm *talkin* about.

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Long Florida Jokes

A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida

A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow." I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says, "One".


The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.65 ".
The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"



The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."


The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"

Hooters

Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and
the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to
play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why Hooters?"

"They have those servers with the beautiful bosoms, the tight shorts
and the gorgeous legs."

"You're on."

At age 42, they meet and play golf again.

"Where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Again?  Why?"

"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."

"OK."

At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters.

"Why?"

"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."

"OK."

At age 62 they meet again.

After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."

"Good choice"

At age 72 they meet again.

Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they
have senior discounts."

"Great choice."

At age 82 they meet and play again.  "Where should we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Because we've never been there before."

"Okay."

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida

He goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota ."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".

The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota , but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.’

THE salesman story.

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota ."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".

The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota , but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.’

Best Salesman Ever!

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young guy says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average sales to 25 to 30 customers a day. This is gonna have to change very soon if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$124,548.88".

The boss, astonished, says $124,548.88??? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Chevrolet Suburban."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a SUV???"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Bro, your weekend's a mess, you should go fishing."

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" store looking for a job.

The Manager says,
"Do you have any sales experience?"
The young guy says
"Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough,
but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters,
"One".
The boss says
"Just one? Our sales people average sales to 25 to 30 customers a day.
This is gonna have to change very soon if you'd like to continue your employment here.
We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes,
so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day.
He asked (sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and
says
"$124,548.88".
The boss, astonished,
says
$124,548.88???
What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says,
"Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast,
so I told him he was going to need a boat,
so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it,
so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Chevrolet Suburban."
The boss said
"A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a SUV???"
The kid said
"No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife,
and I said,
'Bro, your weekend's a mess, you should go fishing.

The Widow's Husband.

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with the wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail since she was expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: November 18, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS. Sure is freaking hot down here.

"Have a good day, sir"

He got his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights
flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.
Today is Friday.

If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job...

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says
"Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".
The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt
kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I
told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department
and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to
the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.........'"

Wrong E-Mail Address

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules together. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Baptist minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: August 14, 2017

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!

An elderly man in Florida . . .

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it
over, as he hadn't been there for a while.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligators."

Wrong Email

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules together. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Baptist minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: August 14, 2017

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!

(LONG) A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida ..

..and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow." I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says, "One". The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.65 ".

The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"

President Donald Trump and his motorcade are cruising along a country road to Florida after the government shutdown. Suddenly they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Trump tells his chief of staff to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees him staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you?" asked Trump

"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 21-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asks Trump.

"I said I'm Donald Trump's Chief of staff, and I just killed the pig."

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC.

One is from New York , another is from Tennessee and the third is from Florida.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New York contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The New York contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official.

A guy is walking along a beach when he stubs his toe on a golden lamp...

..chuckling to himself he picks it up and gives it a rub. Fwoosh, out pops this enormous genie.

"I am the Genie of the Lamp!" he booms, "I will grant you a single wish for releasing me!"

"Wow! I know exactly what I'd like to wish for," exclaims our hero. "I've always wanted to visit Disney World but I live in England. The problem is I'm afraid of flying and travelling by boat makes me feel sick so... I wish for a bridge from here to Florida so I can drive there!"

The genie leans back and laughs heartily.

"A bridge from here to Florida! You must be joking! The logistics alone boggle the mind. You're talking about pillars of concrete hundreds of feet tall carrying 6 lanes of highway with a length of over 4000 miles and, more to the point, people are going to question where this structure came from. I'd be kicked out of the Genie Lounge! No, sorry pal, you're going to have to come up with something realistic."

The guy rubs his chin and thinks for a moment. "Well, the reason I'm out here is because I've just had a big argument with my girlfriend. So... I wish to understand women - to really know what makes them tick."

"You want lights on that bridge, mate?"

New sales job!

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything
under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a
shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One."

The boss says "Just one ?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30
customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your
employment here.

We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida.

One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on
the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss
felt kind of bad for chewing him out on his first day.

He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65."

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him
a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was
going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need
a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine
Chris Craft.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him
down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat
and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I
said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'

Two retired gentlemen meet while on the beach in Florida

They sit down and strike up a conversation.

"So you moved down here after you retired. What did you do before?"

"I was in the sporting goods business. I started out selling socks from a cart. Before long I had a little store. The business grew, slowly at first, but after thirty years I owned the biggest sporting goods store for fifty miles. I wanted to slow down a little and enjoy my success, but none of the kids were interested in the business, and I had a hard time finding a buyer. Then, tragically, the store burned to the ground. Luckily, I had good insurance. It paid off more than enough to retire on, so here I am! What about you?"

"My story is much the same. I spent my life in the shoe business, until a flood wiped me out. Insurance saved me as well. I decided not to rebuild, just moved down here to relax."

"Wow, that's something. I have one question, though."

"What's that?"

"How do you start a flood?"

Just one customer.

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".


The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'

When you're a real salesman...(couldn't think of another subreddit this would fit)

A Good Salesman

A young guy from West Virginia moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum cleaner salesman back in West Virginia."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in West Virginia, but you're not in the mines anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing..

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