Work Jokes


Funniest Work Jokes

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No." I responded, "How about now?"

Score: 21881

I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?" I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

Score: 14881

Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early? They like to beat the crowds.

Score: 13585
Funny Work Jokes
Score: 12515

My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini. I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"

He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".

Score: 11858

A magic genie tells Tom, "I can make anything of yours disappear!" Tom: [raises his mug] ok, get rid of my tea

Genie: poof

om: it didn't work

Score: 11817

Me: “When I donate blood I do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me.” Receptionist: “Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn’t work that way.”

Score: 11314

Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful. I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend

Score: 11213

I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning She said, “How do you know he was on his way to work?”

Score: 11172

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting. She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

Score: 10928

Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful. I just need to work out if that’s my wife or my girlfriend

Score: 10234

It is unfair how for every $1 a man makes, a woman makes $0.78... Because then the man is left with only $0.22...

EDIT: Wow, this blew up on my way home.

Yes, this joke is from Bo Burnham as others have so nicely pointed out. Check out his work; he is a comedic genius.

Score: 10173

My father told me that I'm in the 1% He also mentioned that condoms work 99% of the time.

Score: 9654

I’ve done some terrible things for money. Like getting up early to go to work. ‬

Score: 7330

What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work? Kick them out of congress.

Score: 6769

My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did. Account balance: $9.11

Score: 6711

I was going to make a fat joke It didn't work out.

Score: 4658

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size ... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.

Score: 3448

Got called in for a drug test at work... They said I tested positive for opioids.

I said "Oh yeah. There were poppy seeds on my bagel this morning."

They said "What about the THC, cocaine, and LSD?"

"It was an everything bagel."

Score: 3256

Cheer up Hilary! At least you won't have to work at the same desk that Monica spent so much time under.

Score: 3212

Why do riot police like to get to work early? To beat the crowd.

Score: 3197

Forget everything you learned in college... 'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'

'But I never went to college.'

'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

Score: 2907

1984 is a great work of literature. I think all kids should be forced to read it.

Score: 2512

I rang work and I said "I can't come in today, I have a wee cough" The boss said "You have a wee cough?"

I said "Wow, thanks boss, see you next Wednesday!"

Score: 2495

Librarian: Can I help you? Dave: Yeah, I'm looking for a book about-

Librarian: Being psychic?

Dave: No...

Librarian: One day that will work.

Score: 2408

Boss perv I sit at work today drinking Coke, doing some stuff with Excel tables when suddenly my boss puts his hand into my pants, jerks me off, and then goes back to his previous work like nothing happened. Being self employed has its positives.

Score: 2253

I work in a library and a black guy asked me if there are any coloured printers... I said, "Dude, it's 2016 you can use any printer you want."

Score: 2023

I painted my computer black so it would run faster. Now it doesn't work.

Then I painted my computer white so it would work.

Now the whole system is corrupt.

Score: 1996

My boss touched me inappropriately at work today But it's okay, i'm self-employed

Score: 1886

A man cheats with his wife's sister Man: Calm down! You haven't heard my side of the story!

Wife: You slept with my sister!

Man: When i got to work she was just laying there naked on my table! What was I supposed to do?!

Wife: The autopsy!

PS: Didnt make this up

Score: 1822

I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone "Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"

"No" she sobbed

I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage

Score: 1528

My boss pulled up to work in his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied: "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

Score: 1118

I told a girl at work she drew on her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

Score: 945

Judge: “Why did you steal the car?” Man: “I had to get to work.”
Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”
Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.

Score: 884

My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work... ...I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.

Score: 689

Me: When i donate blood i do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me Receptionist: Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way.

Score: 623

My Uncle always said "Do something you love and you'll never work a day in your life!" He did heroin

Score: 565

Star Wars Episode 7-9 Titles Revealed Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens

Star Wars Episode VIII: The Force Sleeps For Five More Minutes

Star Wars Episode IX: The Force Is Late For Work

Score: 562

We had random drug testing at work today. The pcp was my favourite.

Score: 519

In order to make a relationship work, you have to make a lot of sacrifices…. Which is why I keep a large number of goats in my garden…

Score: 489

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New Work Jokes

There was a drug test at work today... Mine came back negative. My dealer owes me an explanation.

Score: 118

I keep trying to come up with unemployment jokes. But none of them work

Score: 79

Study something you like and you will never have to work a single day Because you won't find work

Score: 113

I have a lot of jokes about being jobless But none of them work

Score: 105

What’s the difference between a rapist and a Republican? Hollywood won’t work with a Republican.

Score: 297

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

Score: 194

Why don't revolutions work? Because after one revolution you're back where you started.

Score: 78

College_irl 'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'

'But I never went to college.'

'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

Score: 489

I wanted to post a joke about the unemployed But none of them work.

Score: 78

Sometimes at work... ...I like to run around with a screwdriver and yell "Attention everybody! This is not a drill!"

Score: 331

I didn't signup for the 401K at work because I don't think there is anyway I could run that far

Score: 73

I work in a prison, and when people ask me if I enjoy my job... ...I tell them that it has it's pros and cons.

Score: 290

When I donate blood Me: "When I donate blood I do not need to extract it myself. A nurse does it for me."

Receptionist: "Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way!"

Score: 95

I'd make a joke about unemployment But it doesn't work

Score: 144

Fish and chips I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just put the phone down on me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

Score: 187

If communism doesn't work, why do so many people still support it? They don't work either.

Score: 235

Judge: “Why did you steal the car?” Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”

Man: “I had to get to work.”

Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”

Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.

Score: 144

I have an unemployed joke Too bad it doesn't work

Score: 145

You're the only reason I get out of bed in the morning. I only go to work and become a better person because of you. You make me workout on weekends and get in shape. And I try to turn you on every night. I love you, alarm clock.

Score: 98

In which part of the bread factory do lobsters work? The crust station.

Score: 92

LPT: When calling out of work or school, don't fake congestion, etc... instead try using your best Indian accent. There's a much higher chance they'll believe you're Sikh.

Score: 79

My husband is like the New York subway... He makes me angry, frustrated, and late for work but I still can't help but ride him every day.

Score: 96

I have recently become a new man I don't drink, i smoke very rarely, i don't stare at girls, i go to sleep early, i wake up early and I work hard everyday. My supervisors are happy with me. I will definitely abandon this lifestyle once i get out of jail.

Score: 100

Why did the riot police like to leave for work early? To beat the crowd.

Score: 136

So I met this nice girl the other day She said, she's gonna call me after work -- poor girl... She's been working for 72h now.

Score: 85

I went to my boss at work and said, "I need a raise. Three other companies are after me." He said, "Really? Which companies are after you?"

I said, "The electric company, the utilities company and the phone company."

Score: 199

I don't mind following rules at work, but when my boss told me to stop impersonating flamingos... I had to put my foot down.

Score: 270

Why do some couples not go to the gym together? Because not all relationships work out.

Score: 103

Why do riot police always go to work early? To beat the crowd.

Score: 85

I hopped in a cab after work and said to the cabbie "My wife won't put out any more. Take me somewhere I can get an easy chick that won't say no"

10 minutes later he dropped me off at my house and said

"Just tell her Larry sent you"

Score: 135

What do you call the security guards that work at the Samsung store? Guardians of the Galaxy.

Score: 77

I learned my lesson about speeding today, and I'll definitely make sure it never happens again... I didn’t get pulled over or anything, it's just that I got to work 20 minutes early.

Score: 170

Hey, Magic 8-Ball. Why can't I check my work email? "Outlook not so good."

Score: 73

I have some jokes about unemployment. But they need some work.

Score: 99

What's the difference between the USA and a bird? On a bird, the left wing and the right wing work together to benefit the whole bird.

Score: 242

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.” The bacteria say, “But we work here, we’re staph"

Score: 203

10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, 100, 110, 120... Don't bother me. My work here is intense.

Score: 171

On my way home from work saw a man texting while driving.. Knowing how dangerous this can be I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window and threw my beer at him.

Score: 208

My employer has recently started testing their products on animals. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't work for a hammer factory.

Score: 160

The new girl at work slapped me today because I asked if she spits or swallows... It seemed like a perfectly reasonable question, considering we work as wine tasters...

Score: 117

I used to work at the circus I was the guy that circumcised the elephants.

The pay wasn't great, but the tips were huge.

Score: 234

It must be hard working as a prostitute. After all, work just comes and goes.

Score: 106

How does a mathematician solve their constipation? They work it out with a pencil

Score: 80

Not quite what she was expecting... Guy: I work with animals every day!

Girl: That's so sweet! Are you a vet or a pet shop own-

Guy: I'm a butcher.

Score: 84

When I was young I asked my mum what a couple was she said,"oh two or three." And she wonders why her marriage didn't work.

Score: 139

Math jokes never work on me I have trouble differentiating them. They aren't an integral part of my life and most of the time they just don't add up.

Score: 127

I've always wanted my dad to be proud of me... It finally happened today. I started serving at a steak house and my parents came in to see me at work. When I asked my dad how he wanted his steak, he said "Well done, son".

Score: 93

Therapist: So why doesn't the marriage work? Wife: My husband uses to many Star Wars puns

Husband: Divorce is strong in this one

Score: 80

At a First Date Conversation At a first date:

He: “I work with animals every day!”

She: “Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?”

He: “I’m a butcher.”

Score: 411

I called my Sergeant this morning and said, "I'm not coming into work today." "Why not?" he asked.

I said, "My wife is throwing up in bed and she hasn't ironed my uniform."

"That's no excuse!" he shouted.

I said, "I know, but try telling her that..."

Score: 218

I don't know why people say building a wall doesn't work The chinese did it 2000 years ago and they still don't have any mexicans.

Score: 88

Bob told his wife, "I can't work for him anymore after what he said to me". Wife: What did he say?

Bob: You're fired

Score: 167

Why is Bruce Lee so good at telling jokes? Because if his punch line doesn't work, you still get a kick out of it.

Score: 117

How does Steven Hawking refresh after a long work day? F5

(sorry Imgoingtohellforthis)

Score: 111

An employee tells his boss... Hey, that's a nice car you have there.

The boss looks at him and says:

Work hard, stay after hours, and next year, it'll be even nicer.

Score: 114

A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?" She says, "My mom died."
He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

Score: 198

I work at a pharmaceutical research lab, and we managed to kill a rat with marijuana today. To be fair, it took around 20 lbs of it and we had to drop it on him a few times.

Score: 77

When your body is a solid 10 But your intro and conclusion need work

Score: 102

I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?" It was met with a stony silence... I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

Score: 73

I was going to make a joke about unemployment But it didn't work.

Score: 96

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