Work Jokes


Funniest Work Jokes

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No." I responded, "How about now?"

Score: 21881

I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?" I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

Score: 14881

Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early? They like to beat the crowds.

Score: 13585
Funny Work Jokes
Score: 12515

My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini. I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"

He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".

Score: 11858

A magic genie tells Tom, "I can make anything of yours disappear!" Tom: [raises his mug] ok, get rid of my tea

Genie: poof

om: it didn't work

Score: 11817

Me: “When I donate blood I do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me.” Receptionist: “Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn’t work that way.”

Score: 11314

Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful. I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend

Score: 11213

I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning She said, “How do you know he was on his way to work?”

Score: 11172

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting. She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

Score: 10928

Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful. I just need to work out if that’s my wife or my girlfriend

Score: 10234

It is unfair how for every $1 a man makes, a woman makes $0.78... Because then the man is left with only $0.22...

EDIT: Wow, this blew up on my way home.

Yes, this joke is from Bo Burnham as others have so nicely pointed out. Check out his work; he is a comedic genius.

Score: 10173

My father told me that I'm in the 1% He also mentioned that condoms work 99% of the time.

Score: 9654

I’ve done some terrible things for money. Like getting up early to go to work. ‬

Score: 7330

What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work? Kick them out of congress.

Score: 6769

My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did. Account balance: $9.11

Score: 6711

I was going to make a fat joke It didn't work out.

Score: 4658

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size ... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.

Score: 3448

Got called in for a drug test at work... They said I tested positive for opioids.

I said "Oh yeah. There were poppy seeds on my bagel this morning."

They said "What about the THC, cocaine, and LSD?"

"It was an everything bagel."

Score: 3256

Cheer up Hilary! At least you won't have to work at the same desk that Monica spent so much time under.

Score: 3212

Why do riot police like to get to work early? To beat the crowd.

Score: 3197

Forget everything you learned in college... 'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'

'But I never went to college.'

'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

Score: 2907

1984 is a great work of literature. I think all kids should be forced to read it.

Score: 2512

I rang work and I said "I can't come in today, I have a wee cough" The boss said "You have a wee cough?"

I said "Wow, thanks boss, see you next Wednesday!"

Score: 2495

Librarian: Can I help you? Dave: Yeah, I'm looking for a book about-

Librarian: Being psychic?

Dave: No...

Librarian: One day that will work.

Score: 2408

Boss perv I sit at work today drinking Coke, doing some stuff with Excel tables when suddenly my boss puts his hand into my pants, jerks me off, and then goes back to his previous work like nothing happened. Being self employed has its positives.

Score: 2253

I work in a library and a black guy asked me if there are any coloured printers... I said, "Dude, it's 2016 you can use any printer you want."

Score: 2023

I painted my computer black so it would run faster. Now it doesn't work.

Then I painted my computer white so it would work.

Now the whole system is corrupt.

Score: 1996

My boss touched me inappropriately at work today But it's okay, i'm self-employed

Score: 1886

A man cheats with his wife's sister Man: Calm down! You haven't heard my side of the story!

Wife: You slept with my sister!

Man: When i got to work she was just laying there naked on my table! What was I supposed to do?!

Wife: The autopsy!

PS: Didnt make this up

Score: 1822

One of the girls in the office where I work is going to be having a baby. I just haven't decided which one yet.

Score: 452

Lenin should've known communism wouldn't work... There were red flags everywhere.

Score: 158

Study something you like and you will never have to work a single day Because you won't find work

Score: 113

My husband is like the New York subway... He makes me angry, frustrated, and late for work but I still can't help but ride him every day.

Score: 96

I work at a pharmaceutical research lab, and we managed to kill a rat with marijuana today. To be fair, it took around 20 lbs of it and we had to drop it on him a few times.

Score: 77

I used to work for a calendar factory I got fired for taking a day off

Score: 59

Why is a day at the office the same as Christmas? Because you do all the work, and the fat guy with the suit gets all of the credit.

Score: 45

The Most Hipster Job Of All Time Is... Being a Mortician. Morticians are so hipster that their work doesn't get more popular; instead it just goes further underground.

Score: 39

This woman is trying to get me fired for giving inappropriate massages in the office. Good luck with that, lady. I don't even work here.

Score: 35

I started work at a drilling site and left soon after. It was a boring job.

Score: 35

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New Work Jokes

Yesterday, my wife tried to apply at the post office, but they didn’t letter. They said only mails work here.

Score: 8

In school, work determines your marks In Soviet Russia, Marx determines your work!

Score: 7

I have some employee jokes. But they just don't work.

Score: 13

What did the buffalo say to his boy before going to work? Bison.

Score: 13

I stopped a fight from happening at work today. I made the two guy see sense and talk through their personal issues like grown adults. The promoters were furious and fired me from my job as a referee.

Score: 12

Not sure if this will work outside of Scotland... Two cows in a field, which one is on holiday?

- the one with the wee calf

Score: 22

I found a note from my wife on the fridge... It said "this doesn't work anymore, I'm going to my mom's"

I opened the fridge and it worked just fine.

Score: 18

Where does a lady with one leg work? IHOP

Score: 7

I went to a coffee shop before work this morning. The coffee tasted like mud.
So I told the barista.
She told me it was fresh ground.

Score: 7

Working hard and being hard at work are not the same thing. Working hard is a good way to get a raise or a promotion. Being hard at work is a good way to get fired from your job at the elementary school.

Score: 15

Before leaving for work my girlfriend left a note on the microwave saying "This isn't working, goodbye". I turned on the microwave and it's working just fine...

Score: 5

Today, my teacher asked me to summerize my work... So, I took out all the parts about polar bears and eskimos.

Score: 5

Why does it take many hands to fit a lightbulb ? Because many hands make light work.
(This is my first attempt at a joke on here)

Score: 26

I saw a 4 year girl crying, all alone. “Are you ok?” I asked her. “Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?”

“No” she sobbed.

I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage.

Score: 13

Making a list of all the good and bad things about Switzerland at work. The flag is a big plus.

Score: 10

I treat every day like I'm running a marathon tomorrow... I rest, load up on carbs and don't work out.

Score: 24

I'm okay with dating someone that's anti-vax I want to be child-free so it would work out either way

Score: 6

I used to work as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe

Score: 8

I mixed my coffee with Red Bull this morning. I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

Score: 6

Have you heard the old Chinese proverb about the importance of teamwork when repairing lamps? 'Many hands make light work'

Score: 14

They should have known that communism wouldn't work There were red flags all over

Score: 8

What kind of work out do lazy people do? Diddly-squats

Score: 11

I would tell you all about my jokes about unemployment **but none of them work**

Score: 23

Hello everyone, and welcome to the first meeting of the simon says club! Please have a seat!

\-sigh\- looks like we have some work to do

Score: 9

I came home from work, and my girlfriend had left a note on the fridge saying ‘it’s not working, goodbye’. I opened it and it’s working just fine

Score: 17

Tall people and Short people should never date. Long distance relationships never work out.

Score: 7

I like my work like I like my steak Rare and definitely not well done.

Score: 13

What's the difference between Dracula and a government worker? Dracula does more work during the day

Score: 12

The new mailman really sucks at telling jokes He needs to work on his deliveries more

Score: 10

I wrote this joke about unemployment I really just don't think it's going to work.

Score: 13

-Honey, I have some problems at work. Wife:
-Now there. Not "I" but "we"! When we got married your problems became my problems. What's wrong?
-Well then OUR secretary is expecting OUR child.

Score: 8

I got transferred from work three times this year for letting my clients give me oral during checkups. I’m starting to think that maybe a veterinarian career isn’t for me.

Score: 13

A man was getting married but got cold feet at the last minute... The next morning he went to work and his co-workers asked "so how'd the wedding go"

He replied "oh, it went off without a hitch"

Score: 6

Why did the chicken walk to work instead of paying a bus fare? To feel a sense of pride and accomplishment

Score: 14

The reason my last relationship didn't work out is because she was a gemini... and I don't believe in bullshit.

Score: 8

I just found out the contractor that did my electrical work wasn't even licensed. Needless to say, I was shocked!

Score: 13

Scientists predicts that all forest will be gone by 2025 but if we work really hard, we can do it by the end of 2017.

Score: 30

I waited on this volleyball team at this restaurant I work at. I guess you can say they got served.

Score: 5

Why don't all couples go to the gym? Because some relationships just don't work out

Score: 7

What's the difference between a black person and a tractor? When a tractor doesn't work, no one makes excuses for it.

Score: 11

Not every couple goes to the gym Because some relationships don't work out

Score: 20

Doctor, you have to help me! I see dead people... Doctor: For the last time, you work in a morgue!

Score: 10

Tried going to the obesity clinic before work today. But the queue was enormous.

Score: 28

Study what you love and you'll never work a day in your life. Because nobody is hiring in your field.

Score: 34

As I'm walking in to work this morning my boss told me to "Have a good day" Who am i to argue? Thanked him and came straight back home

Score: 24

I asked my aunt how much a couple is, she said two or three Maybe that's why her relationships don't work out so well

Score: 14

I'm always trying to make jokes at my work place... But in a graveyard, everyone is dead serious

Score: 11

A mother asks her son how things are going with his girlfriend. He replies, "It didn't work out." "Aw, I'm sorry to hear that," says his mother. "What happened?"

The son looks confused.

"Huh? I just told you. She didn't exercise enough."

Score: 15

Why did the Buddhist refuse Novocain during his root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Score: 7

Why should you work for a vegetable factory? Because they offer a good celery.

Score: 6

I work in tech support and one of my co-workers drowned last week... we buried him in rice and he came back a day later!

Score: 8

What do fish talk about at work? Current events

Score: 8

I turn heads every time I go to work Makes sense, I'm a chiropractor.

Score: 16

I ran into a fat guy on the way to work Luckily I bounced back

Score: 5

Today I pulled the dad jokes of all dad jokes. At work, my coworker complained of ear pain. He asked me to look for a bump, so I looked.

Then, I said, "oh I know what's causing the pain!" He asked what it was, and I pulled a quarter from his ear..

I should be ashamed.

Score: 21

What did the raisin see when she came home early from work? Her husband on a date.

Score: 15

I have all these jokes about unemployed people... But none of them work.

Score: 20

Why are fat people like relationships? Most of them don't work out.

Score: 21

I called in to work and asked my boss what the difference between work and his daughter was. I'm not coming into work this morning.

Score: 16

A wizard's on his drive home from work... He turns into a driveway.

*(Credit should really be owed to a friend of mine, but I thought I'd share my favourite joke).*

Score: 17

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