I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No." I responded, "How about now?"
I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?" I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early? They like to beat the crowds.
My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini.
I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"
He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".
A magic genie tells Tom, "I can make anything of yours disappear!"
Tom: [raises his mug] ok, get rid of my tea
om: it didn't work
Me: “When I donate blood I do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me.” Receptionist: “Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn’t work that way.”
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful. I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend
I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning She said, “How do you know he was on his way to work?”
My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.
She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said
"It didn't work out."
She told me to be more specific so I said
"I just told you, she didn't exercise."
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful. I just need to work out if that’s my wife or my girlfriend
It is unfair how for every $1 a man makes, a woman makes $0.78...
Because then the man is left with only $0.22...
EDIT: Wow, this blew up on my way home.
Yes, this joke is from Bo Burnham as others have so nicely pointed out. Check out his work; he is a comedic genius.
My father told me that I'm in the 1% He also mentioned that condoms work 99% of the time.
I’ve done some terrible things for money. Like getting up early to go to work.
What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work? Kick them out of congress.
My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did. Account balance: $9.11
I was going to make a fat joke It didn't work out.
My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size ... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.
Got called in for a drug test at work...
They said I tested positive for opioids.
I said "Oh yeah. There were poppy seeds on my bagel this morning."
They said "What about the THC, cocaine, and LSD?"
"It was an everything bagel."
Cheer up Hilary! At least you won't have to work at the same desk that Monica spent so much time under.
Why do riot police like to get to work early? To beat the crowd.
Forget everything you learned in college...
'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'
'But I never went to college.'
'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'
1984 is a great work of literature. I think all kids should be forced to read it.
I rang work and I said "I can't come in today, I have a wee cough"
The boss said "You have a wee cough?"
I said "Wow, thanks boss, see you next Wednesday!"
Librarian: Can I help you?
Dave: Yeah, I'm looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Librarian: One day that will work.
Boss perv I sit at work today drinking Coke, doing some stuff with Excel tables when suddenly my boss puts his hand into my pants, jerks me off, and then goes back to his previous work like nothing happened. Being self employed has its positives.
I work in a library and a black guy asked me if there are any coloured printers... I said, "Dude, it's 2016 you can use any printer you want."
I painted my computer black so it would run faster.
Now it doesn't work.
Then I painted my computer white so it would work.
Now the whole system is corrupt.
My boss touched me inappropriately at work today But it's okay, i'm self-employed
A man cheats with his wife's sister
Man: Calm down! You haven't heard my side of the story!
Wife: You slept with my sister!
Man: When i got to work she was just laying there naked on my table! What was I supposed to do?!
Wife: The autopsy!
PS: Didnt make this up
There was a drug test at work today... Mine came back negative. My dealer owes me an explanation.
Study something you like and you will never have to work a single day Because you won't find work
My husband is like the New York subway... He makes me angry, frustrated, and late for work but I still can't help but ride him every day.
I was going to make a joke about unemployment But it didn't work.
I keep trying to come up with unemployment jokes. But none of them work
I work at a pharmaceutical research lab, and we managed to kill a rat with marijuana today. To be fair, it took around 20 lbs of it and we had to drop it on him a few times.
3 steps to fix anything
1. Try duct tape, if that doesn't work, see 2
2. Try gorilla glue, if that doesn't work, see 3
3. Try J.B. Weld, if that doesn't work, C4
I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?" It was met with a stony silence... I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
i was going to tell a unemployment joke....... but its not going to work
I used to work for a calendar factory I got fired for taking a day off
Yesterday, my wife tried to apply at the post office, but they didn’t letter. They said only mails work here.
In school, work determines your marks In Soviet Russia, Marx determines your work!
What did the buffalo say to his boy before going to work? Bison.
I stopped a fight from happening at work today. I made the two guy see sense and talk through their personal issues like grown adults. The promoters were furious and fired me from my job as a referee.
Not sure if this will work outside of Scotland...
Two cows in a field, which one is on holiday?
- the one with the wee calf
Where does a lady with one leg work? IHOP
What do a proctologist and a prostitute who's only clients are homeless people have in common? They both spend their time at work feeling up bums.
Working hard and being hard at work are not the same thing. Working hard is a good way to get a raise or a promotion. Being hard at work is a good way to get fired from your job at the elementary school.
Today, my teacher asked me to summerize my work... So, I took out all the parts about polar bears and eskimos.
Why does it take many hands to fit a lightbulb ?
Because many hands make light work.
(This is my first attempt at a joke on here)
A teacher was arrested for loligagging at work. He was caught strangling young girls.
I saw a 4 year girl crying, all alone.
“Are you ok?” I asked her. “Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?”
“No” she sobbed.
I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage.
Making a list of all the good and bad things about Switzerland at work. The flag is a big plus.
I treat every day like I'm running a marathon tomorrow... I rest, load up on carbs and don't work out.
I'm okay with dating someone that's anti-vax I want to be child-free so it would work out either way
Trump once tried to hang him self but it didn’t work. Want to know why? Fake noose
I mixed my coffee with Red Bull this morning. I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
I vaccinated my brother a year ago, but it didn’t work... Still doesn’t have autism.
Have you heard the old Chinese proverb about the importance of teamwork when repairing lamps? 'Many hands make light work'
They should have known that communism wouldn't work There were red flags all over
My dogs cannot operate the MRI machine at work. But my Catscan.
Never hire a Himalayan contractor to work on your house... I did, and I came home to Himalayan with my wife.
I would tell you all about my jokes about unemployment **but none of them work**
Why did the man decide to work at the coin mint? It made cents
Hello everyone, and welcome to the first meeting of the simon says club!
Please have a seat!
\-sigh\- looks like we have some work to do
I came home from work, and my girlfriend had left a note on the fridge saying ‘it’s not working, goodbye’. I opened it and it’s working just fine
Tall people and Short people should never date. Long distance relationships never work out.
I like my work like I like my steak Rare and definitely not well done.
Blacksmith: I've just about finished this sword, just need to work out the kinks. Sword: I like feet
The reason my last relationship didn't work out is because she was a gemini... and I don't believe in bullshit.
I just found out the contractor that did my electrical work wasn't even licensed. Needless to say, I was shocked!
I was just boasting at work about how I'm currently sleeping with a set of twins...
All the lads were very impressed but one asked;
"How do you tell them apart?"
"Easy", I said, "Michelle has long blonde hair and Dave has a moustache."
Scientists predicts that all forest will be gone by 2025 but if we work really hard, we can do it by the end of 2017.
I waited on this volleyball team at this restaurant I work at. I guess you can say they got served.
Why don't all couples go to the gym? Because some relationships just don't work out
What's the difference between a black person and a tractor? When a tractor doesn't work, no one makes excuses for it.
This woman is trying to get me fired for giving inappropriate massages in the office. Good luck with that, lady. I don't even work here.
Not every couple goes to the gym Because some relationships don't work out
Doctor, you have to help me! I see dead people... Doctor: For the last time, you work in a morgue!
Tried going to the obesity clinic before work today. But the queue was enormous.
Study what you love and you'll never work a day in your life. Because nobody is hiring in your field.
As I'm walking in to work this morning my boss told me to "Have a good day" Who am i to argue? Thanked him and came straight back home
I asked my aunt how much a couple is, she said two or three Maybe that's why her relationships don't work out so well
I'm always trying to make jokes at my work place... But in a graveyard, everyone is dead serious
A mother asks her son how things are going with his girlfriend. He replies, "It didn't work out."
"Aw, I'm sorry to hear that," says his mother. "What happened?"
The son looks confused.
"Huh? I just told you. She didn't exercise enough."
Why did the Buddhist refuse Novocain during his root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Why should you work for a vegetable factory? Because they offer a good celery.
I work in tech support and one of my co-workers drowned last week... we buried him in rice and he came back a day later!
What do fish talk about at work? Current events
I turn heads every time I go to work Makes sense, I'm a chiropractor.
I ran into a fat guy on the way to work Luckily I bounced back
What's the point of having a third party to fix your marriage problems... Obviously throwing the first two didn't work
I am a proton held at rest next to a plate with a high positive charge in a uniform electric field I have a lot of potential but I'm not doing any work.
I came home from work and there was a note from my wife on the fridge.
It said, "It's not working. I can't take this. I'm going to my mother's."
I opened the door. The light came on and the beer was cold. I don't know what in the world she was talking about.
What secret organization does Pinnochio work for? Wooden you like to know?
why didn't the clothing drive at the homeless shelter not work out? ..nobody gave a shirt.
A pony recently got to work as a teacher, But 1 day before school starts he got a cold. Naturally he couldn't talk as loud as usual so the next day he comes into the class and says: "Good morning! Sorry if I'm being a bit quiet, I'm just a little horse."
I called in to work and asked my boss what the difference between work and his daughter was. I'm not coming into work this morning.
A wizard's on his drive home from work...
He turns into a driveway.
*(Credit should really be owed to a friend of mine, but I thought I'd share my favourite joke).*
The Most Hipster Job Of All Time Is... Being a Mortician. Morticians are so hipster that their work doesn't get more popular; instead it just goes further underground.