I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No." I responded, "How about now?"
I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?" I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early? They like to beat the crowds.
My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini.
I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"
He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".
A magic genie tells Tom, "I can make anything of yours disappear!"
Tom: [raises his mug] ok, get rid of my tea
om: it didn't work
Me: “When I donate blood I do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me.” Receptionist: “Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn’t work that way.”
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful. I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend
I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning She said, “How do you know he was on his way to work?”
My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.
She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said
"It didn't work out."
She told me to be more specific so I said
"I just told you, she didn't exercise."
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful. I just need to work out if that’s my wife or my girlfriend
It is unfair how for every $1 a man makes, a woman makes $0.78...
Because then the man is left with only $0.22...
EDIT: Wow, this blew up on my way home.
Yes, this joke is from Bo Burnham as others have so nicely pointed out. Check out his work; he is a comedic genius.
My father told me that I'm in the 1% He also mentioned that condoms work 99% of the time.
I’ve done some terrible things for money. Like getting up early to go to work.
What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work? Kick them out of congress.
My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did. Account balance: $9.11
I was going to make a fat joke It didn't work out.
My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size ... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.
Got called in for a drug test at work...
They said I tested positive for opioids.
I said "Oh yeah. There were poppy seeds on my bagel this morning."
They said "What about the THC, cocaine, and LSD?"
"It was an everything bagel."
Cheer up Hilary! At least you won't have to work at the same desk that Monica spent so much time under.
Why do riot police like to get to work early? To beat the crowd.
Forget everything you learned in college...
'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'
'But I never went to college.'
'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'
1984 is a great work of literature. I think all kids should be forced to read it.
I rang work and I said "I can't come in today, I have a wee cough"
The boss said "You have a wee cough?"
I said "Wow, thanks boss, see you next Wednesday!"
Librarian: Can I help you?
Dave: Yeah, I'm looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Librarian: One day that will work.
Boss perv I sit at work today drinking Coke, doing some stuff with Excel tables when suddenly my boss puts his hand into my pants, jerks me off, and then goes back to his previous work like nothing happened. Being self employed has its positives.
I work in a library and a black guy asked me if there are any coloured printers... I said, "Dude, it's 2016 you can use any printer you want."
I painted my computer black so it would run faster.
Now it doesn't work.
Then I painted my computer white so it would work.
Now the whole system is corrupt.
My boss touched me inappropriately at work today But it's okay, i'm self-employed
A man cheats with his wife's sister
Man: Calm down! You haven't heard my side of the story!
Wife: You slept with my sister!
Man: When i got to work she was just laying there naked on my table! What was I supposed to do?!
Wife: The autopsy!
PS: Didnt make this up
Me: When i donate blood i do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me Receptionist: Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way.
Apple fitness products don't work. I tried the iHop and it only made me gain weight.
There was a drug test at work today... Mine came back negative. My dealer owes me an explanation.
I was hungover this morning so I phoned work and said to the boss...
.. "I'm afraid I won't be in today, my father had a massive heart attack and died last night."
"That was your last chance Dave," he said, "I'm taking the 'and son' off the shop sign."
Study something you like and you will never have to work a single day Because you won't find work
If I'm ever on life support, I want you to pull up he plug... Then wait 10 seconds and plug it back in, maybe that'll work.
I don't know why people say building a wall doesn't work The chinese did it 2000 years ago and they still don't have any mexicans.
Today my coworker fell into the reupholstering machine at work don't worry, he's fully recovered
So I sold my guitar...
I sold my guitar to a man with no hands.
So I said to him: "So how are you gonna work that then?"
He shrugged and said: "I'll play it by ear."
All Gratuities payable towards My Uncle Chris.
Why is a day at the office the same as Christmas? Because you do all the work, and the fat guy with the suit gets all of the credit.
I stopped a fight from happening at work today. I made the two guy see sense and talk through their personal issues like grown adults. The promoters were furious and fired me from my job as a referee.
Two bacteria walk into a grungy bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve bacteria here!" And the bacteria says, "But we work here. We're staph."
I found a note from my wife on the fridge...
It said "this doesn't work anymore, I'm going to my mom's"
I opened the fridge and it worked just fine.
Working hard and being hard at work are not the same thing. Working hard is a good way to get a raise or a promotion. Being hard at work is a good way to get fired from your job at the elementary school.
Why does it take many hands to fit a lightbulb ?
Because many hands make light work.
(This is my first attempt at a joke on here)
I saw a 4 year girl crying, all alone.
“Are you ok?” I asked her. “Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?”
“No” she sobbed.
I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage.
Making a list of all the good and bad things about Switzerland at work. The flag is a big plus.
I treat every day like I'm running a marathon tomorrow... I rest, load up on carbs and don't work out.
This morning on my way to work I wasn’t really paying attention and drove into the back of a car at some traffic light.
The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf.
He said, “I’m not happy”
So I said, “Well which one are you then?”
I would tell you all about my jokes about unemployment **but none of them work**
Why did the man decide to work at the coin mint? It made cents
I applied for work at a furniture factory and they said they had an opening for someone to inspect the mirrors. I told them, "That's a job I could really see myself doing"
If I ask a Catholic sister to work for me as a manager ... Does that make her nun of my business?
I tried to play frisbee with my dog this morning. It didn't work. Need a flatter dog
I recently got a job at a Vegetable farm. It's hard work, but i get a decent celery.
I like my work like I like my steak Rare and definitely not well done.
What's the difference between Dracula and a government worker? Dracula does more work during the day
The new mailman really sucks at telling jokes He needs to work on his deliveries more
I wrote this joke about unemployment I really just don't think it's going to work.
Why did the chicken walk to work instead of paying a bus fare? To feel a sense of pride and accomplishment
I just found out the contractor that did my electrical work wasn't even licensed. Needless to say, I was shocked!
I have lots of jokes about obese people, But none of them work out
I tried to explain to my boss that I couldn't come in to work because my imported Swedish car broke down. But he didn't want to hear my Saab story.
I used to work at the zoo circumcising elephants the job was awful, but the tips were huge
I was out fishing on the lake with my dad yesterday. When we were ready to call it a day my dad goes to start up the motor and it doesn't work.
Dad: "Looks like we're gonna have to row back to the bank. Pass me one of those paddles."
Me: "Which one?"
Dad: "Either oar."
Why does Putin always take the bus to work? His car is always Stalin
I was trying to think of unemployment jokes... But none of them work anyways.
A boy told his teacher he wanted to be Santa.
"Why so? It seems like a lot of work." said the teacher.
"Because Santa knows where all the naughty girls live."
Scientists predicts that all forest will be gone by 2025 but if we work really hard, we can do it by the end of 2017.
Not every couple goes to the gym Because some relationships don't work out
Study what you love and you'll never work a day in your life. Because nobody is hiring in your field.
As I'm walking in to work this morning my boss told me to "Have a good day" Who am i to argue? Thanked him and came straight back home
Say what you want about Bill Clinton's Presidency... But he was always hard at work.
A chemist decided to plagiarize a man's work. He made a carbon-copy.
I asked my aunt how much a couple is, she said two or three Maybe that's why her relationships don't work out so well
Did you see that Walmart will be closing about 500 stores by the end of the year...? It's going to put about 12 cashiers out of work.
I remembered an unemployment joke... ...but then I realized that none of them work.
Offensive joke I thought of in class
Me and my friend were talking about the last time he has to work at his job.
"Yeah my last day of work is September 11"
I reply " Yeah that was a lot of other people's last day of work too"
WHEN WIFE SINGING When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.
Why didn't the feminist picnic work out? because they all refused to make sandwiches.
I'm working on a fitness routine for insects. It's going well, but I'm still trying to work out the bugs.
Tried to make my coffee with Red Bull today... I made it all the way to work before I realized I had forgotten my truck.
Today I pulled the dad jokes of all dad jokes.
At work, my coworker complained of ear pain. He asked me to look for a bump, so I looked.
Then, I said, "oh I know what's causing the pain!" He asked what it was, and I pulled a quarter from his ear..
I should be ashamed.
Coffee maker in the IT department doesn't work Try reinstalling Java.
I work out at the same time every day... tomorrow.
Why do Russian police officers always work in groups of three? One of them can read, and one of them can write. The third one is there to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.
My coffee wasn't strong enough. So, yesterday instead of using water, I brewed with Red Bull. I got halfway to work before I realised I'd forgotten my car.
My truck is a lot like Tony Romo. It will turn over, but the clutch doesn't work.
Women are always impressed when I tell them I work in real estate. And to think, my friends almost talked me out of becoming a grave digger!
I'm writing a book about getting work as a painter. It's a primer for paint jobs.
What song did the man who lived next door to a brothel sing on his way to work? Hi ho, Hi ho, it's off to work I go!
I'll admit it, I often jack off in the bathroom at work. Some of the guys here think it's strange that I use the urinal.
What do my relationships and fat people have in common? They never work out.
What do you call a very nosy spice?
You need to say this in a pretty thick Hispanic accent for it to work. I heard it from some classmates.
I raised the alarm at work today... The midgets were furious.
A construction worker comes home from work.
He tells his wife, "Honey, I cut off my finger today."
She replies, "The whole finger!?"
He says, "No, the one right next to it."
Why are fat people like relationships? Most of them don't work out.
I called in to work and asked my boss what the difference between work and his daughter was. I'm not coming into work this morning.
A wizard's on his drive home from work...
He turns into a driveway.
*(Credit should really be owed to a friend of mine, but I thought I'd share my favourite joke).*
The Most Hipster Job Of All Time Is... Being a Mortician. Morticians are so hipster that their work doesn't get more popular; instead it just goes further underground.