I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No." I responded, "How about now?"
See? To prove I'm not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!
Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh?
Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!
Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly..
Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.
I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?" I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early? They like to beat the crowds.
My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini.
I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"
He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".
A magic genie tells Tom, "I can make anything of yours disappear!"
Tom: [raises his mug] ok, get rid of my tea
om: it didn't work
Me: “When I donate blood I do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me.” Receptionist: “Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn’t work that way.”
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful. I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend
I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning She said, “How do you know he was on his way to work?”
My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.
She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said
"It didn't work out."
She told me to be more specific so I said
"I just told you, she didn't exercise."
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful. I just need to work out if that’s my wife or my girlfriend
My wife called me at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, I replied, "No..." She responded, "How about now?"
I was going to make a fat joke It didn't work out.
Cheer up Hilary! At least you won't have to work at the same desk that Monica spent so much time under.
Why do riot police like to get to work early? To beat the crowd.
Forget everything you learned in college...
'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'
'But I never went to college.'
'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'
1984 is a great work of literature. I think all kids should be forced to read it.
I rang work and I said "I can't come in today, I have a wee cough"
The boss said "You have a wee cough?"
I said "Wow, thanks boss, see you next Wednesday!"
Boss perv I sit at work today drinking Coke, doing some stuff with Excel tables when suddenly my boss puts his hand into my pants, jerks me off, and then goes back to his previous work like nothing happened. Being self employed has its positives.
I work in a library and a black guy asked me if there are any coloured printers... I said, "Dude, it's 2016 you can use any printer you want."
My boss touched me inappropriately at work today But it's okay, i'm self-employed
A man cheats with his wife's sister
Man: Calm down! You haven't heard my side of the story!
Wife: You slept with my sister!
Man: When i got to work she was just laying there naked on my table! What was I supposed to do?!
Wife: The autopsy!
PS: Didnt make this up
I've been fired from work for putting in too many shifts Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think
My boss was honest with me today. He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
My dad was fired from his job in road work for theft... I didn't believe it at first. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Old rich white men selecting strong young black men to work on their fields? I'm not sure about this NFL draft thing.
I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone
"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"
"No" she sobbed
I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage
Why do some couples not go to the gym? Some relationships don't work out...
Why do riot police get to work early? To beat the crowd
When I was a kid I prayed every night for a new bicycle
Then I learned the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness instead
edit: woohoo #1
Why do police in Hong Kong go to work early? They like to beat the crowd
My Muslim coworker brought a CD version of the Quran to work today. He got really pissed off when I asked if I could burn a copy.
I definitely learned my lesson about speeding today and it will never happen again. I didn't get pulled over or anything, I just showed up to work 20 minutes early.
My boss pulled up to work in his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied: "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
I told my boss I needed a raise to stay at work because there are three different companies showing interest in me... He asked me which companies and I told him, "The gas, electric, and cable ones"
I told a girl at work she drew on her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
I work for the world's largest nanotechnology company. We're not very good.
I asked my boss if I can come to work a little late today He said “Dream on.” I think that was really nice of him.
Saw a cute girl at work today. I told her I get off in five minutes and she smiled. Then I said I finish work in one hour and she left.
Saw my ex... On my way home from work last year i saw my ex being beaten up by 3 guys, i stopped the car and ran over to help...she didnt stand a chance against 4 of us.
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration? Me: What?
Two prostitutes meets at the bus to their corner.
"Off to work we go"
What restaurant did the ex prostitute work at? In-N-Out
They say if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life Because they’re probably not hiring
They say a woman's work is never done.
Maybe that's why they get paid less.
All credit to Sean Lock comedian.
“Hey, why do you still work as a mailman despite having such a low salary?” “It’s not about the money, it’s about sending a message.”
When software doesn't work It just bugs me
When I was young, they always told me, "Do what you love, and you'll never work a day in your life". I didn't realize until now that it was a warning.
Police in USA They do breathtaking work
They call me 007 at work
7 coffee breaks
A joke I just made up at work
What is Covid-19's favorite drink?
You may think it's Corona, but in fact it is
A joke my cousin told me when we were 8
There was a man in a job interview. The CEO of the company asks:
-Where do you used to work at?
-Oh, I was a monster hunter.
-But monsters don't exist!
For those unaware, Big Ben is undergoing renovations in London; it's no easy task They're having to work around the clock to make it happen.
My best friend died after he was in a car crash and they couldn't work out what blood type he was He kept saying "be positive, be positive" but it's very hard in a situation like that
In the Coronapocalypse...
The next Spider-Man movie will be called:
Spider-Man: Work From Home
A suicide bomber blew up his own house.. Took work from home very seriously.
A Christian man begs God for a car, but realizes God doesn’t work that way. Instead, he stole a car and begged God for forgiveness.
Me: You're firing me?
**Boss:** We have reason to believe you're using work computers to run some butt pic website. Bootypedia or something.
**Me:** First off I would never do that. Second, it's called Wikicheeks.
My friend told me he put a potato down his swim trunks and now the girls won't leave him alone Didn't work for me. Apparently, you need to put it in the front.
My boss was watching me work from two miles away That's what I call supervision
I’ve been trying to cheer my unemployed friends up by telling them jokes But none of them seem to work
I used to be a manager, and I loved taking trainees around to show them the ropes. Anyway, I don't work for the suicide hotline anymore.
I'm trying to work on being less condescending. (Condescending means treating people like they have less intelligence than yourself)
I fell off a 50ft ladder at work today Luckily I was only on the first step
I work with the DNA The National Dyslexic association.
Interviewer: Why you want to work on Customer Service?
Me: Well, I am very good at apologising for things that are not my fault.
Interviewer: Did you acquire that experience on your previous job?
Me: No, my relationship.
Epstein: "I'm afraid I don't know how things work here in prison." Prison guard: "Don't worry, you'll get the hang of it."
My head chef had his 10 year anniversary in work today. I put some salt and pepper on him. He's a seasoned professional
I work in McDonald’s and a customer was rude to me today, so I got him back by not putting any Coke in his drink. *Just ice* was served.
If anyone says you have to work 365 days in 2020 in order to succeed, they don’t have your best interests in mind and is preaching toxic hustle culture You need to work 366 days cause it’s a leap year
Every year since 2017, my New Year’s resolution is to not give up and continue to work on my novel. Three years later and I’ve almost finished reading it!
How is Christmas exactly like your job? You do all the work and some fat guy in a suit gets all the credit.
A true work question
I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?"
He answered, "I don't know."
I replied, "I'm not coming in this morning."
Grandpa told me this
Guy lost his finger in a work accident
His wife was telling her friend about it
The friend asked "did he lose the whole finger?"
The wife replied "no, the one next to it"
I didn't see you at Ninja school today Nice work
Why do HK police go to work early? To beat the crowds.
Q: Why do Hong Kong riot police come to work early? A: To beat the crowds.
No-one ever wants to work on the can crushing machine It's just soda pressing.
My Boss arrived at work in a brand new Lamborghini...
I said “ Wow, that’s an amazing car!”
He replied “ Well, If you work really hard, exceed all your targets and strive for excellence, I’ll get a Bugatti next year!”
A Scotsman phoned his boss: Sorry boss I will not be in to work today, I have a wee cough, Boss replies you have a wee cough?: Scotsman says OK Boss but I was only going to take today off....
I used to work for a soft drink can crushing company It was soda pressing
Two bacteria walk into a grungy bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve bacteria here!" And the bacteria says, "But we work here. We're staph."
Why do the police in Hong Kong go to work early? To beat the crowd.
Why do riot cops get to work early? To beat the crowd.
I received an award at work for being the most secretive employee. I can’t tell you how much this means to me.
I've been cycling to work for a whole month now You would have thought I would be there by now
Not sure if this will work outside of Scotland...
Two cows in a field, which one is on holiday?
- the one with the wee calf
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people. None of them work
Why are people who work in a fish shop mean? Their job makes them sell fish.
There was a drug test at work today... Mine came back negative. My dealer owes me an explanation.
I asked my new friend to meet me at the gym, but they never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.
Why did the riot police go to work early? They wanted to beat the crowd.
Just heard my neighbour telling her friend that I'm a "f*cking creepy weirdo" on the phone.
It's really pissed me off..
I almost crawled out from under her bed to confront her over it but her boyfriend got home from work early.
I called my wife at work and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?” Sounding concerned, she replied, “No!” I said, “How about now?”
I lost my job as a surgeon. Apparently, I shouldn't have left unfinished work over the weekend.
My work has just hired an Australian IT expert He comes from a LAN down under
What do you call a married couple who both work in a dispensary? A joint-income household
What did the pirate say when he turned 80? "I'm lucky to have lived this long despite my dangerous line of work and the frankly displeasing state of healthcare in the 16th century"
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: (holding cup) Do it to my tea
Magician: (waves hand) Done
om: It didn’t work
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding a cup* Do it to my tea!
Magician: *waves hand* Done!
om: *holding a cup* It didn't work
I keep trying to come up with unemployment jokes. But none of them work