Norm Macdonald Jokes

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Funniest Norm Macdonald Jokes

I feel bad for the homeless guy "I feel bad for the homeless guy, but I feel really bad the homeless guy's dog, because he must be thinking 'Man, this is the longest walk ever"

-Norm Macdonald

Funny Norm Macdonald Jokes

When I was a child they told me, "The children are our future." Now that I'm grown, they're saying it's actually these new children.
I know a Ponzi scheme when I see one.

*-Norm Macdonald*

I saw a pig, a cow, and a horse. I told my wife, “Those look like some of your relatives.”

She replied, “Yeah, my in-laws!”

(Source: Norm MacDonald)

The other day I tell my wife, "when I look into the mirror I only see an old fat man, I need you to make me feel better about myself." She says "you have perfect eyesight." - Norm MacDonald

Las Vegas The city of Las Vegas now has a gigantic ferris wheel that is drawing huge crowds.

Also drawing thousands to Las Vegas...whores!

Credit: The great Norm Macdonald

When I was a child they told me, "The Children Are Our Future." Then I grew up, and now they're saying it's actually these new children.

I know a Ponzi scheme when I see one.

*-Norm Macdonald*

The set-up is that this is a Jewish joke: Two gentiles meet on the street.

One says, "How's business?"

The other says, "Great!"

[Told by Jerry Seinfeld on "Norm MacDonald Live"]

ID is a funny abbreviation. The I stands for I and D strands for dentification.

-Norm Macdonald

Before I met my wife, I always felt incomplete Now I'm finished.

*-Norm Macdonald*

I signed up for my company’s 401k. But I don’t think I can run that far.

Edit: All credit goes to Norm Macdonald

I feel the same way about slaves as I do shirts with flame patterns on them I don't want to be friends with anyone who owns either of them


Norm Macdonald Live!

What is the last thing you want to hear after blowing Willie Nelson? 'I'm not Willie Nelson'

Credit: old joke via: Norm Macdonald

When I was a child, they told me that The Children Are Our Future Then I grew up, and now they're saying it's actually these new children.

I know a Ponzi scheme when I see one.

*-Norm Macdonald*

Regarding the war on terror Fighting it in the Middle East seems a little crazy. I would've started with our nation's haunted houses.

*credit Norm Macdonald. Or at least one of his interns.

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Long Norm Macdonald Jokes

So a moth goes into a podiatrist's office..

A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”

The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there… at night I…I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don’t know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the…in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch… I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I… that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps…perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all…Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good.
And so the doctor says, “Moth, man, you’re troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?”

And the moth says, “‘Cause the light was on.”


*-Norm MacDonald*

Went to the horse races

This happened a couple months ago.


My S/O and I had planned to go to the horse races one day just for fun and to check it out.


The day came and I woke up right at 7:00 am, didn't set an alarm but wasn't to weird because I wake up around that time most days.


The weird part was that in my dreams that night 7's had appeared everywhere. On signs and billboards. Was just unusual.


We get up and get ready.


Call a cab to come pick us up.


Strangely the fare to get to the track was $7.77.


Now I have noticed this pattern and decide to play my chances. Maybe today was the day set for me to be lucky and this was some higher-power's way of letting me know. This is superstition, but luck falls into that same category right?


We move up to the ticket gates, purposely pick gate 7.


Get inside and I head straight for the betting counters and stand in line. I counted over from the left to the seventh one, just to stay aligned.


Looking up at the race boards and to my astonishment there is a horse named "Lucky Number Seven" competing in the seventh race.


Now at this point I've realized I'm going down a rabbit hole that may just be a huge coincidence, but I've come this far. Something or someone is trying to tell me something.


My turn to talk with the clerk. I put most of my money on Lucky Number Seven in the 7th race. I put $700 down. This wasn't all my money but I needed a 7 in there to keep the magic going.


We sit and wait with anticipation.


First race goes by.


Now the second.


A few more and we reach the divine race. The prophesy has led me to this moment.


The gun fires starting the 7th race.


Lucky number 7 running with the pack of competitors. My anxiety has hit a high point with all of my money riding on one horse chosen by a gamble of faith.


The race comes to a close finish and you are not going to believe what happened.


The horse came in 7th.


- credits to Norm Macdonald

A moth goes into a podiatrist's office.

and the podiatrist says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”

The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly Doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there… at night I…I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don’t know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexandria, she fell in the…in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregorio Ivinalititavitch… I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I… that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps…perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all…Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good."

And so the doctor says, “Moth, man, you’re troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?”

And the moth says, “‘Cause the light was on.”

-Norm MacDonald's Limo Driver

So a moth goes into a podiatrists office.

Come in," says the podiatrist, "What's the problem?"

The moth drops down into the nearest chair and says "What's the problem? I don't even know where to start. First of all, my boss is a vicious tyrant who gets off on the petty torments he puts me through day in and day out, and I'm too spineless to stand up to him, so I just take it and I've gradually come to hate myself for it. Also, every morning I wake up to the same prune-face old crone to whom I pledged my vows so many years ago. I used to love her, but that love has become like some sun-festering beached whale trying to die. We lost our daughter last year to one of the bitterest, coldest winters we've ever had to face in this region. Isn't it funny, doc, how all the prayer circles and charity drives in the world amount to pretty much nothing in the face of that cold, impartial face of winter, that bleak, pounding, harsh fist of a callous environment, carrying on with its machinations without regard to our lives, loves, hopes and dreams? Isn't that hysterical, Doc? Oh and then there's my son. Doc, I don't love him anymore. I don't know what it is but I look in his eyes and I see that same harried look of gutless cowardice that I see when I stare at my own face in the mirror. If I wasn't such a coward, Doc, I know I'd be able to scrape together enough pride to grab that cocked and loaded shotgun I keep by the bedside table, and just run amok and put an end to this grim facade once and for all. I start with the wife, then the boy of course before putting the barrell in my own mouth. Believe you me, Doc, I'd be doing the world a favor. I have nothing to look forward to but a continuation of this spiraling black hole that is my life, this existential cesspool that is the perpetuation of my lingering skid-mark on society. I despise people yet I crave their approval. I'm judgemental yet I care about nothing. I'm bitter, hateful and afraid. I'm alive yet I feel like the walking dead. This is it, Doc: I am a living, breathing, disease."



The doctor stares at him for a while then finally says "Jeez, Moth, you definitely have some problems. But I'm a podiatrist. You need a psychiatrist. Why'd you come in here?"

The moth says,"Your light was on."

Norm Macdonald

The Moth Joke

A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”
The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there… at night I…I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don’t know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the…in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch… I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I… that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps…perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all…Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good. And so the doctor says, “Moth, man, you’re troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?”
And the moth says, “‘Cause the light was on.”
-Norm MacDonald

A frog walks into a bank

A frog walks into a bank
And he goes up to the counter and says "I want to take out a loan"
The woman behind the counter says "well I don't know if we give loans out to frogs but I'll see what we can do"
Her name is Mrs. Wack
So Mrs. Wack says "If I can get your name we'll get you started with an application"
The frog says his name is Kermit
And Mrs wack goes "wow, THE kermit the frog???"
And the frog says "no no no, I was only named after kermit the frog, you see my full name is Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger"
So Mrs wack says "alright Mr. Kermit Jagger do you have anything to put down as collateral for a loan?"
The frog pulls a tiny little pink porcelain elephant out of his pocket
He hands it so Mrs wack and she looks at and says "well I'm not sure if we can use this as collateral but I'll go talk to my manager and see what we can do"
So she goes into the manager's office and he says "Hi, Patty!"
So she hands him the little pink elephant and she says "there's a frog out there who wants to take out a loan. He says his name is Kermit Jagger and he wants to use this as collateral but I'm not sure what it is"
So the manager picks up the elephant and he looks at it
And he says "why, that's a nick nack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan his old man's a rolling stone"


Credit: Norm MacDonald

Gambling jokes

**Husband**: How do you lose $150 in the slot machines!

**Wife**: You lost $15000 at the tables!

**Husband**: Yeah but I know how to gamble.

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**Bettor**: My god, I had a terrible day today. I lost 15 out of 15 in college football, I lost 8 out of 8 in baseball and I lost 6 out of 6 in soccer. I don’t know what I am going to do.

**Friend**: Well there’s hockey games starting soon.

**Bettor**: I don’t know anything about hockey.

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

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3 ladies bet $100 on a 50 meter breaststroke swimming race. The brunette came in first; the redhead came in second and the blonde was last. The blonde said “You two used your arms!”

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The full list also has some funny gambling quotes, here are a few examples

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*When I read about the evils of gambling I gave up reading.*

\~ Henny Youngman

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*I once gave up women, drinking and gambling… it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.*

\~George Best

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*They call gambling a disease, but it’s the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.*

\~ Norm Macdonald

I found a baby bird the other day

The other day I found a baby bird that had fallen out of its nest.

I love animals, and I thought to myself 'I'm going to get this little guy back to its nest'.

Now, it took me about 5 or 6 throws...

​

Credit: Norm Macdonald on his new Netflix show (Since everything here is a repost might as well dish out the OC Credit where its due).

The Moth Joke (credit to Norm MacDonald)

This is my absolute favorite joke of all time. (Not his exact wording, but the way I tell it.)

"A moth walks into a podiatrist' s office. When he gets into the exam room the doctor says: Hello moth, what can I do for you?"

The moth replies: "Well doc, I'm incredibly depressed. I'm feel like my life is falling away from underneath me. I've work at the book bindery for Peter Ilynovich for 25 years. Not once in my career have I had a raise. I'm not even sure he knows my name. I have absolutely no passion for my job. I don't have any passion in my life at all for that matter. I lie awake at night, deeply troubled. When I turn to my sleeping wife, I do not even recognize her. She has not aged well. Where is the beautiful moth I married? My mind then turns to my daughter, Anastasia. She died in the great war. She was the only joy in my life, and now she is just a distant memory."

He begins to weep.

I then think of my other child. I think of my son, Gregaro, and how I cannot look him in the eye, for if I do , I see the same cowardice that I see every time I look in the mirror at my pathetic reflection. I see the same cowardice that keeps me from taking the loaded pistol on my bedside table, cocking it, placing it against my temple, and pulling the trigger."

The moth becomes even more morose. He continues:
.
"I feel like a spider... even though I am a moth... hanging from a single thread above an eternal inferno, burning white hot with shame and regret. I believe the only way out of this miserable existence is to take my own life."

The podiatsist takes along hard look at the moth in silenc. After a moment he says:

"I am very sorry you are so deeply troubled, moth. But you need to see a Psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come to see me?"

The moth looks at the podiatrist and says:
"Well, the light was on."

Classic joke from Norm MacDonald: I quit smoking and nothing much is different. Except I can taste my food. I went to a friend's place for dinner and I was like... What's this zingy, zangy thing you're serving me here? Never tasted anything so zingy and zangy.

... A boiled potato, eh? Huh.

A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office

A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”

The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there… at night I…I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don’t know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the…in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch… I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I… that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps…perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all…Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good. And so the doctor says, “Moth, man, you’re troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?
”And the moth says, “‘Cause the light was on.”

-Norm MacDonald

I don't like calling midgets 'little people' cause I dont think of people as little people.

I just think of everyone as the same, the midgets, the regular people.

We're all just people, even if some of us are short and have weird big heads.

by Norm Macdonald

I once knew a man from Quebec....

I once knew a man from Quebec. He was a man of great talent. But too often people with great talent go... unfulfilled. I knew this guy, he went by the name Jaques De Gatineau. Jaques was a great man. He was a thinker, a real smart guy, I guess you could say he was our hope. While I was scrambling to get out of highschool. Jaques De Gatineau, he was accepted to all the best universities and got three degrees. He was going to be the next great. There was Peter Leroux, Wilfred Pasteur, Jerome tsonga, the three wise men of quebec. Jaques De Gatineau was to be the next. But he vanished. So years pass, I started to travel and get around. I traveled from here to there, and to here again. So at one point in my life, I found myself at Sea World. And so I have a guy show me to where the baby dolphins are being feed, cause who doesn't like baby dolphins? And guess who I saw! None other than Jaques De Gatineau! So I walk up to the guy, and I say "Jaques De Gatineau, I feel ashamed for you. You were our hope. You were to go to Canada's capital of Ottawa. We pinned all of Quebec's hopes onto YOU." Now that's a terrible burden, to have a town's hopes pinned on him. So he's feeding these little baby dolphins. And I say "I'm ashamed of you Jaques De Gatineau, you could have done so many great things." And he said "well, I think I'm serving a youthful porpoise." -told by Norm Macdonald

A Frog walks into a bank looking for a loan

Bank Teller ("Whack" on her name tag"): Hello, what would you like?

Frog: I would like a loan.

Mrs. Whack: What is your name?

Frog: Kermit.

Mrs. Whack: You're not Kermit The Frog.

Kermit: No, I was named after him. Name's Kermit Jagger, father's name is Mick Jagger, mother's a frog.

Mrs. Whack: Okay, do you have any collateral

Kermit pulls out a tiny pink elephant

Mrs. Whack: Let me check that with my manager

Patty Whack goes into the back and asks the manger what the pink elephant is

Manager: That's a knick knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone.

Credit: Norm Macdonald

My horrible suicide jokes inspired by Norm Macdonald

I’ve been feeling a bit depressed today. So I haven’t really been doing much other than just hanging out and looking at the wikipedia. Did you know about the cat righting reflex? Apparently a cat has an innate ability to orient itself when it falls so as always to land on its feet.

Anyway, eventually I couldn’t ignore the pain of my depression anymore. I swallowed a whole buttload of pills. Unfortunately, however, these pills were vitamin pills. Instead of dying, I just ended up really healthy and full of vitamins!

I guess it’s true what they say about “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” after all

Anyways, I woke up feeling better and I was no longer depressed - just really, really healthy. Unfortunately, however, my own cat had gotten depressed in the meantime!

It tried ending it’s own life by jumping down my 7 story apartment. Of course, as we all know, cats always land on their feet. So unfortunately for the cat, it just landed on its feet and was unable to end the miserable facade of its existence! This just led it down a miserable path of continuous failed suicide attempts, making it progressively more depressed for each attempt! Gosh I’ll tell ya being a depressed cat is no fun!

Memory joke from Norm MacDonald's new memoir

An old fellow named Jim is having memory troubles and goes to the doctor and the doctor prescribes him medicine.

Jim's friend comes over to his house and says, "Jim I understand you got some medicine for your memory. Tell me, does it work?"

"Oh yes", says Jim. "Works like a charm."

"Well I'd like to get some of that medicine for myself. What's the name of it?"

"Oh the name of it....", says Jim. "I can't remember. What's the name of that flower?"

"Oh I don't know" says Jim's friend. There's so many. Is it a tulip?"

"No. It's that flower you take on a date with a woman."

"Oh is it a carnation?"

"No, no. It's the romantic one. It's red, and long stemmed."

"Oh you must mean a rose!"

"Yes that's it", says Jim. "ROSE WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THAT MEDICINE THE DOCTOR GAVE ME FOR MY MEMORY?"

A moth goes into a podiatrist's office...

A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”

The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there… at night I…I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don’t know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the…in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch… I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I… that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps…perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all…Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good. And so the doctor says, “Moth, man, you’re troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?”

And the moth says, “‘Cause the light was on.”

-Norm MacDonald

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