Lawyer Jokes

Contents

Funniest Lawyer Jokes

A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.” Cop: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?

Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

A man was arrested and taken to an interrogation room He says to the police officer, "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."

"You are the lawyer," says the policeman.

"Exactly, so where's my present?"

Funny Lawyer Jokes

A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!" The cop growls, "You are the lawyer!" The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said, “I want to sue the airline.” “You don’t have much of a case,” he replied.

COP: Where were you the night of the murder? CROW: I was with a group of friends

COP: What would you call that group?

CROW: …I want a lawyer

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self. Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

Santa and Mrs. Claus have decided to break up However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.

They're great at separating independent Clauses.

"Dad, are they allowed to put two people in the same grave?" "I don't think so, son. Why do you ask?"

"Because that headstone over there says, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin. Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”

What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50? A senator.

What do you call an online lawyer E-legal

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said, "I want to sue the airline." Lawyer: "I see, but you don't have much of a case."

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said "I want to sue the airline".. "You don't have much of a case", he replied

If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose... would you go to lunch or a movie?

What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra? He gets taller.

How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Shoot him before he hits the water.

A 94 year old man decided to divorce his 93 old wife... They went to the lawyer together. When he asked why they were divorcing at such an old age, the woman replied, "We wanted to wait until the kids were dead".

What do a sperm and a lawyer have in common? They each have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

What starts with M, ends with E and can bring two people eternal happiness? Me, I'm a divorce lawyer

Do you think they can bury two people in the same grave?... I've just been wondering ever since I saw a headstone that said, "here lies a lawyer and an honest man".

What's the difference between a lawyer and a $400/hour prostitute? The prostitute tells you upfront that you are going to get screwed.

Mickey Mouse gets a call from his lawyer. The lawyer tells him "Mickey I'm sorry, but you can't divorce Minnie just because she's crazy"

Mickey says "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was f**king Goofy"

A lawyer had just undergone surgery ...and as he came out of the anesthesia, he said,
"Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"

"There's a big fire across the street and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation was a failure."

So, a lawyer goes to heaven... Just kidding.

What did the french trademark lawyer say to her wife? Je™

The wage gap isn’t real Men just go for higher paying jobs like doctor, CEO, lawyer ect. Where as women pick lower paying jobs like female doctor, female lawyer, and female CEO

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and told him that I want to sue the airline. He said, “You don’t seem to have much of a case.”

Robert Khardasian was OJ Simpson's lawyer And thus began the family tradition of getting black men off.

A lawyer walks into a bar The bartender looks at him and asks “The usual?”
The lawyer nods. The bartender then serves a glass full of ice.
Just-ice was served...

A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator He asks, _"Do you serve lawyers here?"_

The bartender says, _"Yes, of course we do!"_

The man says, _"OK, I'll have a beer for myself and a lawyer for my alligator."_

What does a lawyer wear to the courthouse? A lawsuit.

A man walks into a lawyer's office... The man says, "I can't afford your hourly rate, but if I give you $200 will you answer two questions for me?"

The lawyer says, "Absolutely - what is your second question?"

A lawyer dies and goes to heaven. Haha just kidding.

What does a lawyer wear to work? A lawsuit!

I should get a hobby...

I gave a lawyer some Viagra. All it did was make him taller for a little while.

It was so cold out... I was cold out today, I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A lawyer sneered at a witness on the stand... "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background."

The witness replied, "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order. I said alphabetically or by age

Popular Topics

New Lawyer Jokes

What's the difference between a lawyer and a journalist? A lawyer will ruin someone's life for $400/hour. A journalist will do it for free.

A man in an interrogation room says, "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present." Cop: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where's my present?

The divorce lawyer told me to get all my affairs in order I said alphabetically, or by breast size?

Have you heard about the lawyer that lost the mesothelioma case?! He tried asbestos he could

What happens to a lawyer when they gain weight? They lose their appeal.

Irony of life! The doctor hopes you fall ill.
The police hopes you become a criminal.
The lawyer hopes you get into trouble.
The priest wants you to get married.
The coffin maker wants you dead.
Only a thief wishes you prosperity in life!

I’m furious. My holiday is ruined! I’ve decided to sue the airline that lost my luggage. My lawyer said that I don’t have a case.

A man is called down to the police station for questioning. “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present,” he says.

“You _are_ the lawyer,” the cop replies.

“Yeah, so where’s my present?”

I showed my damaged luggage to a lawyer, and said, “I want to sue the airline!” The lawyer said, “You don’t have much of a case”

What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? The one from his lawyer telling him all the illegal downloading charges have been dropped.

My wife threw coffee remnants at me this morning My lawyer says I have grounds for divorce

Lawyer A good lawyer knows the law, a great lawyer knows the judge!

A man was arrested and taken to an interrogation room He says to the police officer, "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."

"You are the lawyer," says the police officer.

"Exactly, so where's my present?"

What is the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead lawyer on the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog.

I got a speeding ticket last month and took it to court Rudy Giuliani was my lawyer and plead me down to second degree murder

A man in an interrogation room A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”

"You are the lawyer." exclaims the policemen.

"Exactly, so where’s my present?" replied the lawyer.

my dream of becoming a criminal lawyer is halfway complete! now I just have to work on the lawyer part

I’m proud to announce my dream of being a criminal lawyer is halfway complete! I’m just working on the lawyer part right now.

Bill Cosby's lawyer fell asleep during testimony... Apparently he and Bill had a lunch date earlier.

I killed a dentist with an axe but only got charged with manslaughter. My lawyer said it was an axe-a-dental death.

The angel of death appears before a lawyer and says "Your time has come". The lawyer starts crying and wailing "But I'm only forty" Angel of death says "Not according to your billable hours"

A lawyer died at 40 and reached pearly gates He complained to St. Peter "It is unfair! Why I had to die at young age. I was just 40".

St. Peter Replied "We decided to count billable hours. According to that you are 90."

Terrorists have taken >500 hostages at the Bar Association annual conference Unless their demands are met, they'll release one lawyer every hour.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead ...a doctor, a lawyer and an accountant, a Brit, a German and an American, a priest, a rabbi, two camels and a duck walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them all and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

A lawyer walks into a doctor’s office with a huge tumor on his face... Doctor says, “Why didn’t you come sooner?”
The tumor says, “To be honest, I was ashamed to leave the house.”

I asked a lawyer what I should do after being injured by cold medicine approved by the FDA. His advice? Sudafed.

When does a lawyer make coffee? When he has sufficient grounds

What do a Harvard lawyer and a Yale lawyer have in common? They both got accepted to Yale.

A lawyer was confused and hassled with mathematics of a case... ... So he asked his secretary:
"If I give you USD 3 million less 17.5%, how much would you take off?"
Secretary: "Everything Sir! Dress, Underwear, Everything."

Two lawyers are having lunch. An attractive woman walks in, and one lawyer whispers to the other "See that hot babe over there? I screwed her!" The second lawyer looks her over very carefully, then turns back to the first lawyer and says "Out of what?"

Why was the lawyer home early? Briefcase

What happened when the lawyer took a Viagra? He got taller.

Ask a lawyer what 2 + 2 is... Ask a lawyer what 2+2 is he'll say 5

Ask an engineer and he'll say 4

Ask an accountant and he'll look right back at you and say "what do you want"

A Burglar got into the house of a Lawyer the other day... After a terrible struggle, the Lawyer succeeded in robbing him.

A little boy and his father are walking in a cemetery ...and come across a gravestone that reads "here lies a lawyer and a good man"

The boy asks his father "Dad, why did they bury 2 men in 1 grave?"

What's the hardest thing about becoming a lawyer in Ireland? Passing the bar.

Death is coming to take a lawyer away The lawyer is weeping, "why now? I am only fourty!"

Death replies, "not according to the hours you billed your clients".

What do a sperm and a lawyer have in common? A 1 in 3,000,000 chance of becoming a human being.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vaccuum? With a vaccuum, the dirtbag's on the inside!

A lawyer contracts a cold for two hours. What does he have? A brief case.

Popular Topics

Long Lawyer Jokes

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.

Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."

Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."

Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."

Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."

Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"

Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

Chinese doctor opens his new clinic.

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.

Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."

Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."

Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."

Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."

Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"

Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million .

The bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court. 

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money? "

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "where's the money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about"

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido signs back, "OK.! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

A lawyer gets pulled over by a police officer.

The officer asks the lawyer "Do you know why I pulled you over?"


"I haven't the foggiest idea," said the lawyer.


The officer replied, "You didn't make a full stop at the stop sign back there. You only slowed down."


The lawyer thinks for a few seconds then says, "If you can prove to me the difference between stopping and slowing down, I'll take full responsibility. Otherwise, you let me off with a warning. Sound fair?"


The officer ponders it shortly before nodding his head. "Sounds fair. Can you step out of the car please?"


Just as the lawyer steps out and shuts the car door, the officer pulls out his baton and starts beating the lawyer. After a few swings, the officer says, "Now, would you like me to stop or slow down?"

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven.

“There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five!”

“Fifty five?” says Saint Peter. “No, according to our calculations, you’re eighty two.”

“How’d you get that?” the lawyer asks.

St. Peter says, “We added up your time sheets.”

Getting Married in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer ?

A lawyer had just bought a fancy new car,...

...and was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it would never be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, "MY BENTLEY DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!"

"You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman.

"Yes, I am, but what does that have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.

"HA! You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.

The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, "MY ROLEX!"

A lawyer gets pulled over for speeding in Chicago

Lawyer: Is there a problem, officer?

Officer: Sir, you were speeding.

Lawyer: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see y our license please?

Lawyer: I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Lawyer: Lost it four years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Lawyer: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Lawyer: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Lawyer: Yes, and I killed the owner.

Officer: You what?

Lawyer: Killed the owner, I had to self defense otherwise he would call the police and I would be in jail.

The Officer looks at the Lawyer and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Senior Officer: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! The lawyer steps out of the vehicle.

Lawyer: Is there a problem sir?

Senior Officer: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and killed the owner.

Lawyer: Killed the owner?

Senior Officer: Is this your car, sir?

Lawyer: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Senior Officer: One of my officers claims that you don't have a driving license.

The lawyer digs into his pocket takes out his license and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Senior Officer: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you killed the owner.

Lawyer: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

An old man, a schoolboy, a lawyer, a doctor, and a community service worker are all on a plane with only four parachutes when...

The pilot of the plane has a stroke and passes away. As the plane plummets its passengers to death the five members of the aircraft argue over who deserve to have the four bags containing the parachutes.

Social Worker: I deserve to live because I protect vulnerable children and support families in need of assistance.

The Social Worker grabs the nearest bag and plummets out of the aircraft.

Lawyer: I deserve to live because I advocate for my clients through my sharp wit and massive knowledge.

The lawyer grabs the second bag and plummets out of the aircraft.

Doctor: I deserve to live because i help diagnose ill people with my specialized training.

The doctor grabs the third bag and plummets out of the aircraft.

This leaves only the schoolboy and the old man in the plane with is descending toward the ground.

The Old Man: Go ahead boy. Take the last parachute. You have many years ahead of you while I am just an Old Man who is soon to die anyway.

Schoolboy: Thats ok Old Man we can both take a parachute. Look there are still two left

The Old Man’s eyes widen with surprise.

The Old Man: Wha...but how is this possible

Schoolboy: The lawyer with the sharp wit and expansive knowledge took my school backpack.

A blonde finds herself sitting next to a lawyer on a plane..

A blonde who finds herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just keeps bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offers her 10 to 1 odds, and says every time the blonde can not answer one of his questions, she owes him $5, but every time he cannot answer hers, he’ll give her $50. The lawyer figures he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepts.
The lawyer first asks, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”
Without saying a word the blonde hands him $5. The blonde then asks, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”
Well, the lawyer is puzzled. He takes several hours, looking up everything he can on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gives up and pays the blonde $50
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insists, “What is the answer to your question?”
Without saying a word, the blonde hands him $5.

A Chinese doctor opens his new clinic.

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Doctor: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.

Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."

Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."

Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."

Doctor: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."

Doctor: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."

Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"

Doctor: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20."

The Lawyer's Car

A lawyer had just bought a fancy new car, and was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it would never be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, "MY BENTLEY DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!"

"You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman.

"Yes, I am, but what does that have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.

"HA! You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.

The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, "MY ROLEX!"

My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up...

A man went to his lawyer and told him, ‘My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?’ ‘Do you have any proof he owes you the money?’ asked the lawyer. ‘Nope,’ replied the man. ‘OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you,’ said the lawyer. ‘But it’s only £500,’ replied the man. ‘Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!’

An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money

She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with.

After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wished to deposit in the bank.

'$165,000' she answered, and poured the bank notes from her bag on the table.

Obviously, the president got really curious about the origin of all this money, so he asked where the cash came from.

'Gambling' she muttered.

'What kind of gambling?' the president asked.

'Bets. Let me give you a real example. I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are rectangular.'

'Hahaha. That's a stupid bet. You could never win.'

'Would you care to accept the bet, then?' asked the elderly woman in a challenging tone.

'Of course! I'll bet $25,000 that my balls aren't rectangular!'

'Since it's such a large sum, would it be possible for me to return tomorrow morning with my attorney as our witness?'

'Sure' said the president of the bank in an extremely satisfied tone.

That night, the president actually got scared because of the bet. He spent quite some time in front of the mirror, checking his balls, turning them to the left, to the right, and to the left again. He meticulously inspected them to make 100% sure his balls weren't rectangular so he could win the bet.

The next morning, the elderly woman entered the president's office with her lawyer. She introduced the latter to the president and repeated the bet.

'So $25,000 that the president's balls are rectangular!'

The president accepted the bet once again, then the little old woman asked him to lower his pants so they could all see his balls. The president complied. The elderly woman inspected his balls really closely, then inquired whether she could touch them, which the president accepted... after all, he had the opportunity to win $25,000!

That's when he noticed the woman's lawyer started to bang his head against the wall.

'What's the problem with your attorney, m'am?'

'Oh, nothing. Only that yesterday I bet him $100,000 that today I'd hold the president of the Canadian National Bank's balls in my hand.'

A lawyer is at an airport and starts feeling really bored while waiting for his flight. He notices that he’s sitting next to a blonde woman.

She’s reading a book. He assumes that the woman is an idiot because she’s a blonde.

“Hey, I want to play a game. I’ll ask you a question and then you ask me a question, and we’ll see who answers the most right.”

“Thanks but no thanks, I’m trying read this book.”

“How about this, if we don’t know the answer, we’ll give each other $5?”

The blonde woman shakes her head.

“How about you give me $5 if you don’t know the answer and I give you $500 if I don’t know the answer.”

The blonde woman shrugs, “Alright.”

“What countries neighbor Tajikistan?”

The woman gives him $5 and he laughs.

“What has 12 legs at birth but loses 1 every time it rains?”

The lawyer looks at her with a confused expression. He repeats the question to himself multiple times and starts to look it up on the internet. The woman goes back to reading while the lawyer reads every single website he could find. He spent hours searching and started calling friends and family members to see if they knew. Eventually, his flight arrived. The lawyer sighed in defeat and handed the woman $500. She smiled and took his money.

“So what’s the answer?”

She gave him $5.

A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident.

The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book.

He then asked the Pope for his name and looked it up in his book also.

"Now, if you will come with me, I will show you your eternal dwellings," said St. Peter.

They walked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with all sorts of lavish trappings.

St. Peter turned to the lawyer and told him this was to be his house.

The Pope, knowing how important he was to the church could hardly imagine what his house would be like.

St. Peter and the Pope continued on to a small, beat-up wooden shack.

St. Peter told the Pope that this would be his dwelling.

The Pope, shocked, said to St. Peter, "Just a minute!"

That other guy was a lawyer and he gets a mansion.

I was the head of the Roman Catholic church, and this is all the reward I get?"

St. Peter looked at the Pope and said "True, you have done great things. But we have lots of Popes in Heaven, and that guy was the first lawyer ever to make it up here."

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer," your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," puts her head on the pillow and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

I'm Still A Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had divorced eight husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle with me, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be, you have been married eight times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Politician, he kept telling me how great it would be. Husband #2 was a Salesman, never tried it but told others how great it is. Husband #3 was an Engineer, he understood the process but wanted a few years to study possible methods of implementing the process. Husband #4 was in Management, he thought he knew how, was told by others how to do it, was tutored, and even seen video clips on how, but was never able to deliver. Husband #5 was a Mama's boy, she would not let him do it. Husband #6 was a Psychologist, all he did was talk about it. Husband #7 was a Gynecologist, all he wanted to do was look at it. Husband #8 was a stamp collector, all he wanted to do is lick it... GOD I miss him! But now that I married you, I am really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but why?"

"Because," said the new bride. "You're a Lawyer, I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

The deaf Italian Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place.

The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court.When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million,

he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

What did he say?

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger!"

Popular Topics