Lawyer Jokes


Funniest Lawyer Jokes

A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.” Cop: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?

Score: 26303

Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

Score: 17223

A man was arrested and taken to an interrogation room He says to the police officer, "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."

"You are the lawyer," says the policeman.

"Exactly, so where's my present?"

Score: 17212
Funny Lawyer Jokes
Score: 9530

What do you call a priest that’s also a lawyer? A father in law

Score: 8826

A drunk in a bar is yelling "All lawyers are thieves" The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy."

The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm a thief" says the guy.

Score: 3654

A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!" The cop growls, "You are the lawyer!" The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present

Score: 3371

What do you call a priest that is also a lawyer? A father in law

Score: 1530

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said, “I want to sue the airline.” “You don’t have much of a case,” he replied.

Score: 1380

What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father in law.

Score: 1333

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self. Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

Score: 1188

Santa and Mrs. Claus have decided to break up However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.

They're great at separating independent Clauses.

Score: 940

"Dad, are they allowed to put two people in the same grave?" "I don't think so, son. Why do you ask?"

"Because that headstone over there says, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

Score: 838

Husband: "I want a divorce... My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months"

Lawyer: "Think about it once again.Wives like that are hard to find."

Score: 711

When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin. Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”

Score: 650

What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50? A senator.

Score: 561

What do you call an online lawyer E-legal

Score: 534

what do you call a priest who quits to become a lawyer? ..... a father in law.

Score: 518

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said, "I want to sue the airline." Lawyer: "I see, but you don't have much of a case."

Score: 444

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said "I want to sue the airline".. "You don't have much of a case", he replied

Score: 312

The reason for the wage gap is that men have high paying jobs like doctor, lawyer, etc. while women usually have lower paying jobs... female doctor, female lawyer, etc.

Score: 256

If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose... would you go to lunch or a movie?

Score: 247

What does a black man call a black lawyer? A brother in law

Score: 222

How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Shoot him before he hits the water.

Score: 182

2 kids arguing. 2 little kids were arguing over who's dad has a better job. First kid says,"My dads a doctor." Second kis say,"Yeah well my dad's lawyer." Astonished the first kid says," Honest?" The second kid replied "No, the usual kind."

Score: 177

What do you call a priest who became a lawyer? A father in law.

Score: 169

A 94 year old man decided to divorce his 93 old wife... They went to the lawyer together. When he asked why they were divorcing at such an old age, the woman replied, "We wanted to wait until the kids were dead".

Score: 167

What do a sperm and a lawyer have in common? They each have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Score: 161

What starts with M, ends with E and can bring two people eternal happiness? Me, I'm a divorce lawyer

Score: 153

Do you think they can bury two people in the same grave?... I've just been wondering ever since I saw a headstone that said, "here lies a lawyer and an honest man".

Score: 146

What's the difference between a lawyer and a $400/hour prostitute? The prostitute tells you upfront that you are going to get screwed.

Score: 143

What do you call the amount of time it takes to win an argument with a lawyer? An attornity.

Score: 22

What's the difference between a lawyer and an Irishman? [OC] One has passed a BAR.

Score: 10

The attorney filed a motion for a new trial. The judge barked angrily "On what grounds!?" "Your honor," the lawyer explained, "my client has discovered some money that I didn't know he had."

Score: 8

Why didn't the lawyer steal his coffee? He wanted legal grounds.

Score: 7

I really want to be a lawyer but it’s tough Because they really set the bar high

Score: 5

A blond, a rabbi, a schoolkid, a lawyer, a prostitute, the pope, a pirate and George Bush walk into a bar... The bartender says:

Is this a joke?

Score: 5

What do you call an Aussie who lies for a living? A lawyer.

Score: 4

Whats the difference a lawyer and a catfish? One's a scum sucking bottom dweller and the other is a fish.

Score: 4

An economist, an accountant and a lawyer decided to gamble.... And that's how stock markets came into existence!!!

Score: 4

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New Lawyer Jokes

What do you call a lawyer who is also a disc jockey? DJ JD

Score: 1

Why did they bury the lawyer 10 feet under? Because deep down, they really are good people.

Stolen from a movie I cant remember which.

Score: 0

What happens to a lawyer when they gain weight? They lose their appeal.

Score: 0

A boss forwards an email to his secretary and inquires whether it is from his lawyer or his tailor. The email read: SUIT IS READY, TRIAL ON MONDAY.

Score: 2

It's so cold out today.....How cold? I saw a Lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

Score: 2

A lawyer is arguing over the right to store hogs on planes. He says, “I’m not done till pigs fly!”

Score: 2

Today I finally admitted to my wife that I was seeing a therapist. She then admitted that she was also seeing a therapist, two plumbers, and a lawyer.

Score: 4

The spouse asked the lawyer 'when are you going to become a judge' ? The lawyer replied: 'After 8 PM'.

Score: 2

I don't understand ownership laws My neighbours kid fell out of their tree and landed on my fence. They told me I needed to get a lawyer immediately...if I wanted to keep my half of the kid.

If I lose, who will reimburse the taxidermy?

Score: 2

What's the difference between a dead lawyer on the road and a dead dog on the road? The skid marks in front of the dog.

Score: 4

Where does a lawyer go to buy a bed? A MatressFirm

Score: 2

What Did The Immigration Lawyer Say To His Client? We’ll win your case or your luggage is free!

Score: 1

Aviation Lawyer joke. I need some good aviation lawyer joke/pun. Hit me with your best shot.

Let me open with this.

The airline lost my luggage, I want to sue them but the lawyer don't think I have a case.

Score: 1

What was the difference between the dead lawyer and the dead cat on the side of the road? The cat had tire marks before it.

Score: 4

A prostitute decided to go to law school for a career change, Law school admissions to prostitute: "What makes you think you'd make a good lawyer?"

Prostitute: "I always try to get my clients off, as do lawyers do."

Score: 2

Comparison between Catfish and Lawyers Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

A: One's a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger; the other is a fish.

Score: 1

What do call a bad lawyer? Congressman

Score: 3

So I was going to blame my pet ostrich for a crime i committed But my lawyer advised that it wouldn't fly in court.

Score: 2

What do you say to a lawyer with a IQ less than 50? Good morning your Honor!

Score: 3

I never know what to say to something after they've lost their baby. "Oh I'm sorry for your loss," doesn't cut it.

That's why I keep my mouth shut and let my lawyer do the talking.


*Source: Anthony Jeselnik*

Score: 3

what's the difference between an Irishman and a lawyer? an Irishman would never pass the bar

Score: 2

A jew walks into ablack guy bar... At the same time everyone says "my lawyer is here"

Score: 1

What do call a woman who seduces a lawyer? A snake charmer.

Score: 1

Mathematician, Physicist and a Lawyer are asked what 1+1 is eaqual to. Mathematician: Well it depends in which numeral system it is.

Physicist: Depends if it is scalar or a vector.

Lawyer: Well and what do you want it to be?

Score: 0

A Presbyterian, a lawyer, a blonde, and a dog walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Score: 2

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