Lawyer Jokes

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Funniest Lawyer Jokes

A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.” Cop: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?

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Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

Score: 17223

A man was arrested and taken to an interrogation room He says to the police officer, "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."

"You are the lawyer," says the policeman.

"Exactly, so where's my present?"

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Funny Lawyer Jokes
Score: 9530

A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!" The cop growls, "You are the lawyer!" The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present

Score: 3371

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said, “I want to sue the airline.” “You don’t have much of a case,” he replied.

Score: 1380

COP: Where were you the night of the murder? CROW: I was with a group of friends

COP: What would you call that group?

CROW: …I want a lawyer

Score: 1333

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self. Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

Score: 1188

Santa and Mrs. Claus have decided to break up However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.

They're great at separating independent Clauses.

Score: 940

"Dad, are they allowed to put two people in the same grave?" "I don't think so, son. Why do you ask?"

"Because that headstone over there says, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

Score: 838

When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin. Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”

Score: 650

What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50? A senator.

Score: 561

What do you call an online lawyer E-legal

Score: 534

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said, "I want to sue the airline." Lawyer: "I see, but you don't have much of a case."

Score: 444

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said "I want to sue the airline".. "You don't have much of a case", he replied

Score: 312

If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose... would you go to lunch or a movie?

Score: 247

What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra? He gets taller.

Score: 189

How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Shoot him before he hits the water.

Score: 182

A 94 year old man decided to divorce his 93 old wife... They went to the lawyer together. When he asked why they were divorcing at such an old age, the woman replied, "We wanted to wait until the kids were dead".

Score: 167

What do a sperm and a lawyer have in common? They each have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Score: 161

What starts with M, ends with E and can bring two people eternal happiness? Me, I'm a divorce lawyer

Score: 153

Do you think they can bury two people in the same grave?... I've just been wondering ever since I saw a headstone that said, "here lies a lawyer and an honest man".

Score: 146

What's the difference between a lawyer and a $400/hour prostitute? The prostitute tells you upfront that you are going to get screwed.

Score: 143

Mickey Mouse gets a call from his lawyer. The lawyer tells him "Mickey I'm sorry, but you can't divorce Minnie just because she's crazy"

Mickey says "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was f**king Goofy"

Score: 137

A lawyer had just undergone surgery ...and as he came out of the anesthesia, he said,
"Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"

"There's a big fire across the street and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation was a failure."

Score: 135

So, a lawyer goes to heaven... Just kidding.

Score: 134

What did the french trademark lawyer say to her wife? Je™

Score: 129

The wage gap isn’t real Men just go for higher paying jobs like doctor, CEO, lawyer ect. Where as women pick lower paying jobs like female doctor, female lawyer, and female CEO

Score: 121

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and told him that I want to sue the airline. He said, “You don’t seem to have much of a case.”

Score: 111

Robert Khardasian was OJ Simpson's lawyer And thus began the family tradition of getting black men off.

Score: 101

A lawyer walks into a bar The bartender looks at him and asks “The usual?”
The lawyer nods. The bartender then serves a glass full of ice.
Just-ice was served...

Score: 97

A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator He asks, _"Do you serve lawyers here?"_

The bartender says, _"Yes, of course we do!"_

The man says, _"OK, I'll have a beer for myself and a lawyer for my alligator."_

Score: 91

What does a lawyer wear to the courthouse? A lawsuit.

Score: 90

A man walks into a lawyer's office... The man says, "I can't afford your hourly rate, but if I give you $200 will you answer two questions for me?"

The lawyer says, "Absolutely - what is your second question?"

Score: 90

A lawyer dies and goes to heaven. Haha just kidding.

Score: 71

What does a lawyer wear to work? A lawsuit!

I should get a hobby...

Score: 67

I gave a lawyer some Viagra. All it did was make him taller for a little while.

Score: 61

It was so cold out... I was cold out today, I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

Score: 60

A lawyer sneered at a witness on the stand... "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background."

The witness replied, "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

Score: 59

The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order. I said alphabetically or by age

Score: 58

Irony of life! The doctor hopes you fall ill.
The police hopes you become a criminal.
The lawyer hopes you get into trouble.
The priest wants you to get married.
The coffin maker wants you dead.
Only a thief wishes you prosperity in life!

Score: 57

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New Lawyer Jokes

Did you know Shakespeare was a lawyer before becoming a writer. Unfortunately he got Dis-Bard

Score: 2

What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer? “We are both lawyers.”

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A lawyer walks into the bar... ...and starts practising.

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I was arrested for battery But my lawyer said I won’t have that charge for long.

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A lawyer walks into a bar. Now he thinks he can impress everyone by telling them he was admitted to the bar.

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The problem with lawyer jokes, Lawyers don't think they are funny, and most people don't think they are jokes.

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A lawyer asked a witness when his birthday was. Witness: "20th August."

Lawyer: "What year?"

Witness: "Every year."

Score: 5

What is something that a divorce lawyer and a kidnapper can both say “You give me the money and I’ll give you the kids”

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What's the difference between a lawyer and a journalist? A lawyer will ruin someone's life for $400/hour. A journalist will do it for free.

Score: 18

A criminal defense lawyer says "Don't talk" to his clients regarding interactions with law enforcement, except to his deaf-mute clients, to whom he says "Don't sign anything."

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What does a lawyer wear when he goes to the pool? A lawsuit

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When I heard Julian Assange had 2 children with his lawyer while in exile... I realized this gave new meaning to the words pro bono!

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A man in an interrogation room says, "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present." Cop: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where's my present?

Score: 28

You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," the lawyer sneered at a witness on the stand. "If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

Score: 4

A lawyer goes to court with no sleeves on The judge asks "Why are you sleeveless in my court?"


The lawyer looked in straight faced and said "I have the right to bare arms sir".

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I have a friend in Atlanta who was arrested for sodomy. His lawyer was so good he got it knocked down to “following too closely”.

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What’s the difference between a lawyer and a chicken? A chicken clucks defiant.

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What’s the similarity between a lawyer and sperm? 1 in 300 million have a chance to become a human being.

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What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 60? Your honor.

- old joke

Score: 7

An asexual lawyer Otherwise known as an ace attorney.

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Have you heard about those new "murder hornets" that have been found in North America for the first time ever? A friend of mine is a good lawyer and can get the charges reduced to manslaughter hornet

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How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Take your foot off his head.

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Why shouldn't you ever argue with someone who has multiple personalities? One of them might be a lawyer

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The divorce lawyer told me to get all my affairs in order I said alphabetically, or by breast size?

Score: 51

Why did they bury the lawyer 10 feet under? Because deep down, they really are good people.

Stolen from a movie I cant remember which.

Score: 1

Cop: Sit on the chair,we are gonna interrogate you. Lawyer : (*whispering*) Deny everything.

Me : This isn't a chair.

Score: 7

What does a global pandemic and an overworked lawyer have in common? They’re both sick of new cases.

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How do you know when a lawyer is well hung? You can't get your fingers between their neck and the noose.

Score: 10

Dam Lawyers I got another letter from this lawyer today. It said “Final Notice”. Good that he will not bother me anymore.

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Jokes How did the NYC lawyer contract the Coronavirus?

He was chasing an ambulance and he caught it!

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I had breakfast at The Mesa Grill and got food poisoning. My lawyer said that I had a good case, but I'm a man. I didn't wanna sue Flay.

Score: 1

A lawyer walks into the doctor's with a frog on his head... ...The doctor says, "That's a nasty looking growth you've got there."

"I'll say." The frog replies. "It started out as a pimple on my arse!"

Score: 9

What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech? The leech leaves you alone after you die.

Score: 3

My lawyer has such a good sense of fashion, he wins every court case He really puts on the best lawsuits.

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What's the similarity between a lawyer and a basketballer? They see their opponents in court.

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If you mix a lion and a tiger you get a liger. If you mix a horse and a donkey you get a mule. What happens when you mix an orangutan and a lawyer? Nothing. The lawyer doesn't have enough human DNA.

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A lawyer walks into a bar ...the bartender says, “this is the wrong bar.”

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I'm a lawyer heading to Iowa, hoping to find cases resulting from caucus irregularities. My first stop? Sioux City.

Edit: spelling of Sioux

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Have you heard about the lawyer that lost the mesothelioma case?! He tried asbestos he could

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What happens to a lawyer when they gain weight? They lose their appeal.

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The lawyer A cementer turns lawyer constantly using the phrase "i've got concrete evidence

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Did you hear about the lawyer that got lost on a camping trip with one of his clients? He was found with criminal in-tent.

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What does a Lawyer wear? **A LAWSUIT**

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A boss forwards an email to his secretary and inquires whether it is from his lawyer or his tailor. The email read: SUIT IS READY, TRIAL ON MONDAY.

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It's so cold out today.....How cold? I saw a Lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

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A guy gets framed for murder Lawyer : my client is trapped inside a coin

Judge : what?

Lawyer : he’s in a cent

Judge : your going to jail with him

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Man: Hey! How much is your consultation fee? Lawyer : $100- for 3 questions. Man: That's pretty expensive isn't it?

Lawyer : Yes, now what is your third question.

Score: 12

A lawyer is arguing over the right to store hogs on planes. He says, “I’m not done till pigs fly!”

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What can a goose do that a duck can't but a lawyer should? Stick it's bill up it's arse

Score: 6

What's the difference between a vampire and a lawyer? You can kill the vampire by stabbing a wooden peg in his heart.

The lawyer does not have one.

Score: 6

Your Ex, her boyfriend and her lawyer all suddenly fall down from the balcony at the same time. Who will hit the floor first? You don't care.

Score: 5

I don't say "hey" Pro Bono A lawyer e-mailed a client: “Dear Jennifer: Thought I saw you on the street the other day. Crossed over to say hello, but it wasn’t you, so I went back. One tenth of an hour: $30.”

Score: 2

Me: I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present Cop: But _you're_ the lawyer

Me: So where's my present?!

Score: 3

Guy sits in a police interrogation room He says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”

​

Cop: "But you are the lawyer."

​

"Exactly, so where’s my present?"

Score: 7

What did the lawyer say to the failed magician? You have no poof!

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Lawyers and dead skunks What's the difference between a lawyer and a skunk lying dead in the road?

There are skidmarks leading up to the skunk.

Score: 3

I really want to be a lawyer but it’s tough Because they really set the bar high

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Lawyer Joke What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?



A Doberman.

Score: 4

Why does the devil always self-represent in court? His lawyer is always playing devil's advocate.

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Jeffery Epstien's lawyer gave a whole new meaning to proper wording From now on, you not say to "Hang on there" when talking to your client

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I hired a specialist aviation lawyer to deal with a dispute I had with an airport baggage handler. He lost the case.

Score: 6

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