Lawyer Jokes

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Funniest Lawyer Jokes

A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.” Cop: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?

Score: 26303

Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

Score: 17223

A man was arrested and taken to an interrogation room He says to the police officer, "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."

"You are the lawyer," says the policeman.

"Exactly, so where's my present?"

Score: 17212
Funny Lawyer Jokes
Score: 9530

What do you call a priest that’s also a lawyer? A father in law

Score: 8826

A drunk in a bar is yelling "All lawyers are thieves" The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy."

The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm a thief" says the guy.

Score: 3654

A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!" The cop growls, "You are the lawyer!" The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present

Score: 3371

What do you call a priest that is also a lawyer? A father in law

Score: 1530

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said, “I want to sue the airline.” “You don’t have much of a case,” he replied.

Score: 1380

What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father in law.

Score: 1333

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self. Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

Score: 1188

Santa and Mrs. Claus have decided to break up However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.

They're great at separating independent Clauses.

Score: 940

"Dad, are they allowed to put two people in the same grave?" "I don't think so, son. Why do you ask?"

"Because that headstone over there says, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

Score: 838

Husband: "I want a divorce... My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months"

Lawyer: "Think about it once again.Wives like that are hard to find."

Score: 711

When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin. Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”

Score: 650

What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50? A senator.

Score: 561

What do you call an online lawyer E-legal

Score: 534

what do you call a priest who quits to become a lawyer? ..... a father in law.

Score: 518

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said, "I want to sue the airline." Lawyer: "I see, but you don't have much of a case."

Score: 444

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said "I want to sue the airline".. "You don't have much of a case", he replied

Score: 312

The reason for the wage gap is that men have high paying jobs like doctor, lawyer, etc. while women usually have lower paying jobs... ...like female doctor, female lawyer, etc.

Score: 256

If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose... would you go to lunch or a movie?

Score: 247

What does a black man call a black lawyer? A brother in law

Score: 222

How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Shoot him before he hits the water.

Score: 182

2 kids arguing. 2 little kids were arguing over who's dad has a better job. First kid says,"My dads a doctor." Second kis say,"Yeah well my dad's lawyer." Astonished the first kid says," Honest?" The second kid replied "No, the usual kind."

Score: 177

What do you call a priest who became a lawyer? A father in law.

Score: 169

A 94 year old man decided to divorce his 93 old wife... They went to the lawyer together. When he asked why they were divorcing at such an old age, the woman replied, "We wanted to wait until the kids were dead".

Score: 167

What do a sperm and a lawyer have in common? They each have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Score: 161

What starts with M, ends with E and can bring two people eternal happiness? Me, I'm a divorce lawyer

Score: 153

Do you think they can bury two people in the same grave?... I've just been wondering ever since I saw a headstone that said, "here lies a lawyer and an honest man".

Score: 146

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and told him that I want to sue the airline. He said, “You don’t seem to have much of a case.”

Score: 111

50% of being a lawyer is the ability to use latin phrases that people don't understand the other 50% is *ad hoc ergo propter hoc*

Score: 53

A lawyer is in the hospital.. As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?"

The nurse answered, "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

Score: 30

A man is walking through a cemetery when he sees a headstone that reads, "Here lies John, an honest man and a lawyer."

"How about that," he thinks. "Three men buried in one grave!"

Score: 22

What do you call the amount of time it takes to win an argument with a lawyer? An attornity.

Score: 22

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.

Score: 10

The airline smashed my luggage so I asked my lawyer if I could sue them... he said, "you don't have much of a case".

Score: 9

Why didn't the lawyer steal his coffee? He wanted legal grounds.

Score: 7

Why do you never see an Irish lawyer? Because an Irishman will never pass the bar.

Score: 7

I really want to be a lawyer but it’s tough Because they really set the bar high

Score: 5

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New Lawyer Jokes

Why shouldn't you ever argue with someone who has multiple personalities? One of them might be a lawyer

Score: 1

Why did they bury the lawyer 10 feet under? Because deep down, they really are good people.

Stolen from a movie I cant remember which.

Score: 0

What happens to a lawyer when they gain weight? They lose their appeal.

Score: 0

A boss forwards an email to his secretary and inquires whether it is from his lawyer or his tailor. The email read: SUIT IS READY, TRIAL ON MONDAY.

Score: 2

It's so cold out today.....How cold? I saw a Lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

Score: 2

A lawyer is arguing over the right to store hogs on planes. He says, “I’m not done till pigs fly!”

Score: 2

Why does the devil always self-represent in court? His lawyer is always playing devil's advocate.

Score: 1

What do you call an Aussie who lies for a living? A lawyer.

Score: 4

What's the difference between an acholic, and a lawyer? A law degree.

Score: 3

A lawyer gets on a bus, sits down, places his bag on the next sit and says: I rest my case.

Score: 0

What do you call a nun that becomes a lawyer? [Not OC] A sister in law.

Score: 4

I called my lawyer and told him I felt a little racist He said "I don't think that's a crime..."

I responded "Well this midget in the klan hood disagrees with you."

Score: 2

Whats an israeli lawyer's favourite month? Jew Lie

Score: 2

What Did The Immigration Lawyer Say To His Client? We’ll win your case or your luggage is free!

Score: 1

Aviation Lawyer joke. I need some good aviation lawyer joke/pun. Hit me with your best shot.

Let me open with this.

The airline lost my luggage, I want to sue them but the lawyer don't think I have a case.

Score: 1

The airline lost my prosthetic leg To make matters worse, a baggage handler dropped a heavy suitcase on my foot... I wanted to sue the airline, but my lawyer said I didnt have a leg to stand on.

Score: 3

What did they lawyer say to James Bond? I'd tell you but then I'd have to bill you.

Score: 3

What do you call a Nun that's also a lawyer? Sister in law

Score: 3

Why did the lawyer have to dress as Santa on his company's christmas party? Because he didn't read the Santa Clause.

Score: 2

What was the difference between the dead lawyer and the dead cat on the side of the road? The cat had tire marks before it.

Score: 4

What do you call a nun who has become a lawyer? A sister in law

Score: 4

Person a: so im a good lier what jobs should i choose a lawyer or a politician Person b: you could also be a preacher

Score: 0

A Russian lawyer, an ex spy and the presidents son walk into a bar... ... and talk about adoption.

Score: 1

A prostitute decided to go to law school for a career change, Law school admissions to prostitute: "What makes you think you'd make a good lawyer?"

Prostitute: "I always try to get my clients off, as do lawyers do."

Score: 2

Comparison between Catfish and Lawyers Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

A: One's a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger; the other is a fish.

Score: 1

What do call a bad lawyer? Congressman

Score: 3

So I was going to blame my pet ostrich for a crime i committed But my lawyer advised that it wouldn't fly in court.

Score: 2

A boy and his mother passed a cemetery. The boy saw a gravestone read 'Here lies an honest lawyer'. He said to his mother "I thought Gandhi was cremated."

Score: 1

I never know what to say to something after they've lost their baby. "Oh I'm sorry for your loss," doesn't cut it.

That's why I keep my mouth shut and let my lawyer do the talking.

*



*Source: Anthony Jeselnik*

Score: 3

A jew walks into ablack guy bar... At the same time everyone says "my lawyer is here"

Score: 1

What do call a woman who seduces a lawyer? A snake charmer.

Score: 1

How did the lawyer chip his tooth? The ambulance slammed on its brakes.

Score: 3

A man goes to see a lawyer... And asks "Hire much do you charge?"

The lawyer replies "$250 for three questions."

The man says, "Gosh! Isn't that expensive?"

The lawyer replies "Yes it is. Now, what's your third question?"

Score: 5

Mathematician, Physicist and a Lawyer are asked what 1+1 is eaqual to. Mathematician: Well it depends in which numeral system it is.

Physicist: Depends if it is scalar or a vector.

Lawyer: Well and what do you want it to be?

Score: 0

A Presbyterian, a lawyer, a blonde, and a dog walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Score: 2

What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue

Score: 4

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