Random Jokes

What happens when Donald Trump takes Viagra? He grows taller.

How did a bit travel from the CPU to the HDD? It took the bus.

A little boy is in a birthday party with his mother And as the party starts passing the little boy has to pee. And so naturally he calls for his mother. "Mommy, I have to pee!" The mother takes the boy to the bathroom and locks the door. The mother says to the boy "You can't be yelling across rooms that you need to pee. It's very rude. How about we have our own codeword. Instead of screaming 'I have to pee' you say 'I have to whistle' and then nobody will know!" And then time passes and a few weeks later the boy is staying over at his grandfather's place. He wakes up in the middle of the night and he has to pee. He goes into his grandpa's room and wakes him up. "Grandpa, I have to whistle" The boy says. The confused grandpa answers "not right now, you can whistle in the morning." The boy answers "But grandpa, I really need to whistle." "I said not right now, I'll whistle with you in the morning" the grandpa said. The boy answered "But grandpa I reeeaally need to whistle." "Well alright then, whistle very quietly, into your grandpa's ear."

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely if architects in those days had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

I just watched a movie about graphs, and it was really disappointing. The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.

How does a penguin build his home? Igloos it together.

During a marriage preparation class, the teacher asked how many kissable areas there are on a woman's body One guy said, "18."

A French guy in the back yelled, "119!"

Another guy said, "12."

The French guy piped up again, "119!"

A sweet girl in the front said, "I know only one...the lips!"

The French guy shouted, "120!"

What does it take to turn a Trump supporter into a socialist? $1,200

A guy walks into a bar A guy walks into a bar and orders finest scotch.

Bartender: (giving him the drink) that would be $2 Sir.

Guy: woah, this is cheap. You are good people. I want to thank your manager. Where is he?

Bartender: in the hotel room Sir, with my wife.

Guy: What's he doing with your wife?

Bartender: The same thing I'm doing with his business.

Did you hear about the Mexican that got stabbed on a golf course? I guess someone made a hole in Juan.

There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. So one evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke.

She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals."

One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"

"N," she answered, proudly.

I was going to post a time traveling joke But you guys didn’t like it

Where do horses go when they get sick? To the horse-pital.

Just kidding, they get shot.

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? None.

They just beat the room for being black and arrest the lightbulb for being broke.

Who says building a border wall won’t work? The Chinese built one over 2,000 years ago and they still don’t have any Mexicans.

My wife asked why I keep my guns in the library. I said it's for shelf-defense.

My girlfriend was crying because she got a bad haircut I said, "why are you crying? I'm the one that has to find a new girlfriend"

How does an elephant hide in the jungle? It paints its balls red and climbs up a cherry tree.

What's the loudest noise in the jungle?

A giraffe eating cherries.

What's the difference between the Titanic and my ex? The titanic only went down on 1,000 people

I ask my friend in North Korea how he likes it there His exact words were... "I can't complain"

Must not be all that bad there.

After my wife died I couldn’t look at women for 20 years But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it

A wife took her husband to a strip club as a birthday treat. The doorman greeted them, "Hi Jim! How are you?"

"How does he know you?" asked the wife. "Oh dear, I play football with him," said Jim.

Inside, the bartender asked, "Hello Jim! The usual?"

Jim turned to his wife. "Before you say anything, he and I are on the darts team."

Then a stripper walked up to them. "Hi Jim! You craving the Special again?" she giggled.

The wife had enough and stormed out, dragging Jim along and pulling him into a taxi with her.

The cab driver turned around. "Hey Jimmy Boy! You picked up a butt ugly one this time ..."

Jim's funeral is on Saturday.

A girl came skipping home from school one day... "Mommy, Mommy!" she yelled. "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10! See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good." said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde." her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school, "Mommy, Mommy!" she yelled. "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good." said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde".

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy!" she yelled. "We were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C's.

"Very good." said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"No, honey. It's because you're 25."

Farmer Joe and his mule Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"

''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''

"Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.''

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.

"Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

A dog may well be a man's best friend but a cat... ...will never tell the police where your marijuana is.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her the
paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her
husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the
The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two
coats. " Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by
the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

A masked burglar goes in to a bank He goes to the teller, points a gun to her face and says "This is a robbery! If anybody moves or tries any funny business, they get shot!"
The teller then reaches over the counter and grabs the mask, revealing the face of the burglar.
The burglar says "you've seen my face!" and shoots her dead. He then says "has anyone else seen my face?!?"
A man with his head down yells out "I haven't seen your face, but I think my wife, beside me here, may have gotten a glimpse".

Why did Mozart get rid of all his chickens? He asked them who the best composer was and didn’t like their answer.

What's the difference between Trump becoming president and a soldier dying in combat? The soldier knew what he signed up for.

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters, completely harmless until you light one on fire and stick it in your mouth.

Every program I write is completely error-free No exceptions!

Headaches This guy has been suffering these terrible, excruciating headaches for months and finally decides to go to the doctor, despite his aversion to doing so. He explains to the doctor what's going on, so the doctor decides to run the gamut of tests on him to see if they can pinpoint what's wrong.

After a week or so, the guy goes back in and the doctor says to him, "Well, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that I was able to diagnose your problem. The bad news is that you have a rare condition where your balls push up against the tip of your spine and cause the migraines, and the only option is castration." The guy, understandably shaken says "Whoa, no thanks doc, I think I'll be living with the headaches."

The guy goes home and has a week or two of the worst headaches of his life.. He can't sleep, he's puking. Finally at his wits end, he decides to go through with the operation. He goes back to the doc and says, "alright I can't live like this. It's either suicide or castration, so let's do this."

He goes through the operation and wakes up from surgery and the doctor sends him on his way. Obviously the guy is super upset and depressed at having lost his manhood, so as he's driving, he decides to stop at the local Men's Warehouse to get some new clothes to maybe cheer him up a bit.

He walks in and explains to the guy working that he's depressed and wants maybe a really nice new pair of pants and shirt to brighten his spirits. The guy looks at him and says, "I know just the thing. And let me see, you look like a 17/46 on the shirt, with the right arm a tad longer, and your pants are a 33/32." Shocked, the guy says, "Damn, that's exactly right. How'd you do that?" The worker replies, "Well, I've been at this so long it's like a 6th sense now. I can look at someone and size them up perfectly."

The worker goes back and gets some stuff and the guy tries it on. Impressed, he says, "Wow, this fits perfectly and looks great. I love it. You've got a gift." The worker replies, "well, since we were at it, I decided to grab a few other things while I was back there in case you wanted to make it a full outfit. I got you a jacket to go along with it and some new dress socks and boxer briefs."

The guy, deciding to test the worker, says, "I'm sold, but what sizes did you get? Let's see if you're as good as you say."

The worker says, "Jacket, 42R, and like before, right arm slightly longer. The socks, well, one size fits all. And the briefs, size large."

The guy says, "Aha! Almost! So close, the jacket and socks are fine, but I've always worn size medium briefs! I'll take em anyway."

The worker looks him over for a minute and says, "Oh, no, you can't wear mediums. With your frame, wearing a medium will cause your testicles to push against your spine and give you massive headaches."

What do you call a cow with a stutter that makes chocolate milk? Cacao

Two hillbillies are in a restaurant. Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

Three girls all had boyfriends with the same name, so in order to avoid confusion, they decided to give the boys nicknames. The first girl said: "I call my man 7-Up."

"Why do you call him that?" asked her friends.

"Because he’s seven inches long and is always up."

The second girl said: "I call my man Mountain Dew."

"Why do you call him that?" said the other two.

"Because he likes to mount me and do me!"

The third girl said: "I call my man Jack Daniels."

The others look at her in bewilderment and say: "Why do you call your man that? Jack Daniels is a hard liquor."


My wife said she has had enough of me because I always get my directions mixed up... So I just packed my bags and right...

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them

I had a breakthrough today and got in touch with my inner self. That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.

I once mistook somebody's drink for mine. It was definitely not my cup of tea.

My wife got stung by a bee on her forehead. She’s at the ER now and her face is all swollen and bruised. She almost died! Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

I think Saturn's name is the best in our solar system It has a nice ring to it

Blow Hard A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

What do you call someone with no legs doing Karate? Partial Arts.

Some pallbearers are carrying a coffin at a funeral. Suddenly they stumble and drop it. It slides down a hill, gains speed and shoots out of the cemetery toward the street. It goes down the road gaining more speed. It veers onto the highway. It goes several miles and gets off after three exits. It goes across town through three intersections and finally reaches a dead end with a pharmacy at the end. It blasts through the doors, skids down the aisle and slams to a stop at the pharmacy counter. The lid pops open and the corpse sits straight up. The pharmacist asks, "Can I help you with something?" The corpse says, "Yeah, you got anything to stop this coffin?"

I used to be in a band called The Prevention... We were better than the Cure.

My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry I'll return.

My son got kicked out of school for letting a girl jerk him off in class. That's three schools now. Maybe teaching isn't for him.

(Joke by Jimmy Carr)

Why is Bruce Lee so good at telling jokes? Because if his punch line doesn't work, you still get a kick out of it.

I pissed off two people today by calling them hipsters. Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.

I used to run a pro-life debate team. No one could de-fetus.

I only had one goal in life: to become a better dad than my dad was. My dad beat me

Why women make better assassins. The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife.”

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home.

“ Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.

"The gun was loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to kill him with the chair.”

Edit: I've never heard this joke until right before I posted it so that's why it's here. To the people that are all butt hurt about it, sorry I offended you, but get over it. This has nothing to do with any kind of feminism. To the people that are defending me from those people, Thanks!

Edit 2: I wish the comments weren't deleted. I love reading the hate. :)

If you were to write a direct, very short introduction for Microsoft Office's word processor, it might be a... ...forward four-word foreword for Word.

A blonde goes into a library. She walks up to the head librarian's desk and says, "Hi! I'd like a cheeseburger, a small order of curly fries, and a medium-sized Coke, please."

The librarian stares at her. "Miss, do you realize that this is a library?"

"Oh!" says the blonde. She lowers her voice to a whisper. "*I'd like a cheeseburger, a small order of curly fries...*"

Why is CoD: Infinite Warfare set in space? Because no one on earth wants to buy it.

I recently came into a HUGE amount of money. Unfortunately, though, I'm barred from future tours of the Mint.

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.

I'm going to this year's Fibonacci convention. It'll be as big as the last two put together.

A naked man is walking down the street with a woman on his back... A guy on the other side of the street yells at him, "Hey, what're you doing!?"

The naked man replies, "Don't get all upset. I'm headed to a costume party!"

"As what?" asks the guy.

"As a tortoise! Can't you tell?"

"Well, what's the woman doing on your back?"

"Oh, that's just Michelle."

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today Should have cooked it on aloha teperature

An old lady decides to check on his 3 son-in-laws She wanted to see who respects/cares for her the most. She goes to the lake near the eldest son-in-laws place and jumps. The son-in-law dives in and rescues her. Next day, he sees a toyota corolla parked in front of his house with a letter -- Thanks from your Mother-in-law.

Then she goes to her second son-in-law places and jumps in a lake near his house. The second son-in-law also saves her. Next day he too gets a toyota corolla as a gift with a letter -- Thanks from your Mother-in-law

Now the old lady goes to her third son-in-law's place and jumps in the lake. He does not save her and she drowns. Next day he sees a Ferrari parked in front of his house with a letter -- Thanks from your Father-in-law.

edit: An old lady decides to check on HER 3 SONS-in-law

Christan Bear A man who was atheist was walking in the woods when he heard a growl and the loud sound of branches snapping behind him. He turned around to see what was making the noise and he saw a large grizzly bear standing on his rear paws poised to attack. The man imediately turned around and started running frantically thorough the woods, but the bear pursued. Finally the man tripped and fell to the ground unable to escape. As the bear stood over him with his razor sharp claws ready to attack the atheist man started to pray. He said "Lord I know I have never believed in you and I know that I haven't prayed to you before in honest, yet If you could please help me, i know its not right to expect anything from you after all that ive done and promoted, but if you could just make this bear a christian, would that be too much to ask... Suddenly a light flashed through the woods and shined down on the bear that was looming over the man. Then to the mans surprise the bear stopped and lowered his paws. The bear then began put them together and with his head bowed low the bear said, Thank you lord for this meal in which I'm about to partake.....

In Black Panther, when she said "what are those", I cringed a little bit... I mean, Wakanda joke is that?

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips? Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.

My sister bet me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti... You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, was provided with an excellent view, just as he had thought he would get.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves. As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."

"Son, I don't think you're cut out to be a mime." "Was it something I said?" Asks the son.


A Roman walks into a bar... holds up two fingers and says, “five beers, please.”

[OC] What color is someone's aura when they're about to die? Cyan Aura

Guess who stopped smoking this morning? Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt... 1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.

2.) They LOVE chocolate.

A man comes home to his wife after winning the lottery The man says to his wife, "Honey, if I were to win the lottery, what would you do?"

The wife becomes started by her husband's inquiry but replies, "Well I would take half of it and then leave you."

With a huge grin on his face, her husband says, "Perfect! I won ten dollars!"

My mate Dave drowned... For his funeral, we got a wreath in the shape of a life saver.

It's what he would've wanted.

An elderly couple are enjoying their 75th anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?” The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes he did.” The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?” Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, “You.”

I like my women like I like my ramen noodles Hot, cheap, and Asian

Mother: "Come on, Victor, you have to get out of bed or you'll be late for school." Victor: "Mom, do I have to? All the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me, too."

Mother: "Yes, you do."

Victor: "Give me one good reason."

Mother: "Because you're 47 years old, and you're the principal."

What kind of cancer was Jar Jar diagnosed with? Meesathelioma.

A very shy guy goes into a pub... and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I bought you a drink?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her voice, "No, I won't sleep with you."

Everyone in the pub is now starting at them. Naturally the guy is completely embarrassed and slinks back to his table, totally red-faced.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles at him and says, "I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you just then. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his voice, "What do you mean $200?!?!"

A boy was having suspicions that he was adopted... He decided to sit down with his dad in the living room to express his worries.

Clearly anxious, he hesitantly asked "Dad, am I adopted?"

His dad looked quite surprised but promptly replied: "Not yet, we haven't found anyone who'll take you"

I got kicked out of the hospital. Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.

I can cut a piece of wood in half by only looking at it It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes

A man walks into a bar and asks: "Bartender, may I have a Less?"
To which the bartender says:
"I'm sorry sir, what did you want?"
"I would like to have a Less please."
The bartender then apologizes:
"I don't know this drink, sir, could you describe it to me?"
The man answers:
"Well... I don't really know, but my doctor told me to drink less."

A man goes into hospital with 6 plastic horses up his butt......... The doctors described his condition as stable.

A pint Paddy and Murphy fancy a pint but only have a euro between them.

Paddy goes off and buys a sausage, Murphy says "Are you mad? Now we'r skint!"

"Come on" says Paddy, "follow me". They go into the pub, order 2 pints and drink them before paying. Paddy shoves the sausage through the zipper of his jeans, and tells Murphy to get down on his knees and suck it. The barman goes berserk and throws them out.

10 pubs and 10 pints later, Murphy says "I can't do this any more my knees are sore and I'm pissed."

"How do you think I feel", says Paddy, "I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in."

Told my wife that I’m really getting into Beyonce. She said ‘whatever floats your boat’. I said ‘no, that’s buoyancy’.

What's big, black and loaded with aids? A new Cadillac Escalade with cruise control, lane alert, navigation, downhill descent control and parking assist.

A woman was sick of her husband always farting in bed... she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in

Tell a man a joke he will laugh for a day Tell a redditor a joke he will repost for a lifetime

What does a house wear? Address!

I just asked the wife to get into her nurses uniform. She said why? are you feeling horny? I said no we need bread!

What did people say when the inventor of the Dry Erase Board showed off his new invention. That's Remarkable!

Terrible joke, came to me on the toilet early, but I had to say it. And it's also likely be told in some form before.

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today. As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

Bass Solo A couple goes to see a marriage counselor. They say their marriage is on the rocks because they never speak to each other.

The counselor tries to get them to talk, but they just sit there with their arms folded and their mouths closed. He tries playing games. He tries tricking them. Nothing he can do can get them to talk to each other.

Finally, he pulls out an electric bass and starts playing a solo.

Instantly, the couple turns to each other and starts conversing for the first time in months.

“How on earth did you know that would work?” they ask.

“Simple,” he says, “Everyone always talks during the bass solo.”

What did the tectonic plate say to the other tectonic plate when he bumped into the him? Sorry, my fault.

An Authoritarian walks into a bar. Orders everyone around.

An unemployed engineer opens a clinic.. An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic:
"A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.

Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."

Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.

Doctor: "But this is $500..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

Both of them? Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, “Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs an get me slippers?”

“No bother,” he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy’s two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds.

“Hello dere girls, your Da’ sent me up here to shag ya both.”

“Fook off you liar!”.

“I’ll prove it,” Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, “Both of them, Paddy?”

“Of course, what’s the use of fookin’ one?”

I heard 8/10 Americans are bad at math... Glad to know I'm in the other 2%.

Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.

A scientist is trying to prove that all blonds are stupid so he holds an all blond convention and randomly picks someone from the crowd. First he asks her what two plus two is. She answers seven, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!". So this time he asks her what ten minus four is. She answers thirteen, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!". So this time he asks her what is five times five is. She answers twenty-five, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!".

Popular Topics