Random Jokes

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Funniest Random Jokes

Funny Random Jokes

9/10 people. Accordion to research, 9/10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

Jehovah’s Witness don’t celebrate Halloween. I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their door.

Jehovah's Witness don't celebrate Halloween I guess they don't appreciate random people knocking on their door

TIL Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate halloween.. guess they don't appreciate random people knocking on their doors

We had random drug testing at work today. The pcp was my favourite.

I heard Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween I guess they don't appreciate random people knocking on their door

What's the difference between a deaf person and an Italian? One talks with their hands and makes goofy noises at random volumes, and the other can't hear.

I have a condition where I spontaneously tell jokes at random times I think it's a gag reflex.

Me: Doc, I am suddenly afraid of random letters Doc: You Are?

Me: *screams*

Doc: Oh I See...

Me: *screaming intesifies*

The internet is amazing One minute you're at work looking at random webpages; the next, you're at home looking for a new job

Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't appreciate random people knocking at their doors all the time.

A Linux Joke In computing, what's the only way to generate a truly random string?

Put a Windows user in front of VI and tell him to quit.

Me: I’m afraid of random letters. Therapist: You are?

Me: [confused screaming]

Therapist: Oh, I see.

Me: [screaming intensifies]

Interesting Research Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

People are like lottery tickets. You can point to a random one, say it's a loser, and you'll be right most of the time.

H.o.m.e.w.o.r.k Half of my energy wasted on random knowledge

I see why Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween, They must dislike random people coming up to their doors.

My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn't stop pointing out random exits and entrances I said: "There's the door"

Two random variables were talking in a bar They thought they were being discrete but I heard them continuously.

My friend developed a video streaming app that rejects every choice you make, and plays random Russian videos instead He calls it *Nyetflix*

me: i'm terrified of random letters therapist: you are?

me: [screams]

therapist: oh i see

me: [screaming intensifies]

Jehovas witnesses don't celebrate Halloween I guess they don't appreciate random people turning up at their doors.

Why do Jehovah Witness’s hate Halloween? They don’t like random people knocking on their door.

Jehova's witnesses don't celebrate halloween I guess they just don't appreciate random people coming up and knocking on their doors.

Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween I guess they don't like when random people come knocking on their door.

I'm very good at remembering random facts. For example, there are 3,500 different types of lice.

And that's just off the top of my head.

When COVID is over I’m going to go dancing with random people and insult them. Social diss dancing.

I have a jar in my garage labeled, "My Bachelor Years." It's filled with a bunch of random screws.

Jehovah Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween; I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

So I applied for a random volunteer job at my church I really hope I get the missionary position

Why do mermaids wear seashells? Because D-shells are too big and B- shells are too small.



*A random elderly woman just stopped in the street in front off where I was sitting and told me this. Awesome*

Turns out there are TWO Loch Ness Monsters. One of them is quite mean, but the other actually gives away his forestry tools. A little weird, sure, but it's always nice to see some random axe of Kind Ness.

Did you know Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween? Turns out they don’t like random people showing up at the door

Why don't Jehovah Witnesses like Halloween? Because they don't like random people knocking on their doors

A Therapist and a Man Therapist: What seems to be the issue with you?
Man: I'm terrified of random letters.
Therapist: Are you?
*Man screams*
Therapist: I see...
*Screaming intensifies*

An old guy with a horrible toupee stopped me in the parking lot to tell me this random joke...made me crack up. How do you get down from an elephant??


YOU DON'T! You get down from a goose!!

A german visits France... and he gets picked for a random check at the customs:

- Name?

- Albert Schmidt.

- Nationalite?

- German.

- Occupation? (In a French accent)

- No no, just visiting.

I'm terrified of random letters Therapist: you are?

Me: [screams]

Therapist: oh I see

Me: [screaming intensifies]

I pushed a random old guy's Life Alert to see what would happen. He got so angry, he had a heart attack.
Good thing the ambulance was already on it's way.

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New Random Jokes

I walked into the doctor’s office... and he told me to pick a random star sign.

I replied, “Capricorn”

He said back, “No mate you’ve got cancer”

I'm terrified of random letters Me: I'm terrified of random letters
Therapies: you are?
Me: (screams)
Therapies: oh I see
Me: (screaming intensifies)

Yesterday, I paid a random stranger to put their hands inside my mouth. Y’know, the dentist?

oh dear Me: l'm terrified of random letter


Therapist: You are?


Me: *Screams*


Therapist: Oh I see


Me: *Screaming intensifies*

A random quote written in gents toilet You future is in your hand

.

..

Imagine the quote written in ladies toilet

.

.

Do not play with your future....

What’s the difference between the Chinese Government and a Random Word Generator? At least a random word generator sometimes tells the truth

Sometimes I sit next to random people on the train,strike up a casual conversation then, when the train stops i say "this is where i get off" Then I stick my hand down my pants.

How to Piss People off at a Sperm bank. Go to a sperm bank, look at a random guy and just yell “Hey, get a load of this guy”.

Today I decided to go for a walk Went for a walk haven't been outside in weeks and haven't shaved, I have long hair. Legit looked like a hobo, some random guy gave me cash and his watch while I was sitting and enjoying the weather.

Random people have started following me on Instagram I guess I am a fermi influencer now. Soon I will be a micro influencer. Mega influencer seems a little far fetched.

Why can rappers make random noies and call it music But when I do it im called autistic

What do you call it when you sleep with a random Mexican? Juan night stand

Today a cow started attacking me at random Maybe it was a mis-steak
Anyways I got no beef with it

Me: *trying not to randomly laugh while at a funeral* Random person: I have a very great friend in Rome called Biggus Dickus...

I noticed a load of random items on my bank statement. (Size 80s shoes, a bicycle horn, a huge plastic flower).

I called my bank and apparently my card's been clowned...

Just a random thought Her:*he is probably thinking about other girls

Him:*do horses think that we are backpacks?¿

It was a random night I was playing this Harry Potter game and it was really late at night. So my mom came and told me to Quidditch.

Dr Dr I can’t stop adding random letters to the end of words Sounds like a case of appendicitis...

What happens when you stick your honey in random combs? You might catch a STBee.

The stalker Random person: What do you do in your spare time
Stalker: I stalk people
Random person: Really? I like to go for runs and see movies with my friends
Stalker: I know

I had to disable the lane departure warning on my new car. It kept going off at random times, for no reason, and it was distracting me from my texting.

A delivery man gets the part time job as a magician...(OC) He tells a random person
"Pick a card any card!"
After the person pics a card the delivery man says: "your card will be revealed in 3-6 business days"

I was talking to my therapist about my irrational fear of letters. Me: So, I'm afraid of random letters...

Therapist: You are?

Me: *Screams*

Therapist: Oh, I see...

Me: *Screaming intensifies*

One of my friends uses condoms for random tasks around the house It's the nuttiest thing I've ever heard of

I have the most original idea for a TV show. Contestants will be read a line from a random poem, and they will be asked which author the line belongs to. I'll name it, 'Whose Line Is It, Anyway?'

Girls in Thailand are like a box of random chocolates You never know which one has nuts

Therapy Me: "I'm afraid of random letters"

Therapist: "You are?"

Me: *Screams*

Therapist: [confused pause] "Oh, I see"

Me: *Screaming intensifies*

Im afraid of random letters Me: im afraid of random letters
Therapist: you are?
Me:(starts screaming)
Therapist:oh I see
Me: (starts screaming louder)

What do you call a Redditor posting random stuff to a ton of subreddits for a cake day? Toasterlicker420

Nitrogen triiodide will detonate violently due to random stray currents of air, the touch of a feather, or even a passing alpha particle. ... Still not as fragile as the male ego.

Why can’t dinosaurs clap? Because they are dead.

Stolen from my random Rocket League teammate.

"For the last time , Judas,my mom was a virgin when i was born?" "is that the reason why three random dudes showed up out of nowhere?"

A random person helped me finish my origami swan one the train today. Thanks for the fold, kind stranger.

Did you know that Mormons don’t celebrate Halloween? I guess they don’t like random people coming up to their door.

Scientists have discovered a new element that appears and disappears at random times. They are calling it the element of... SURPRISE!

When we were drunk last night, my friends and I threw a random Chinese man down some stairs. It was Wong on so many levels.

Why do Jehovah’s Witness hate halloween? They don’t like having random people come knocking at their door.

Who? Me: "Someone here is possesed by an owl!"

Some Random Person: " Who?"

Me: "Thats just it, we don't kn-

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People who write a random group of words and then write "That's it. That's the whole joke." That's it. That's the whole joke.

A random person came up to me and said I look crazy I’m not. I have food allergies. It’s hard to be crazy and allergic to peanuts.

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Long Random Jokes

Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...

He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, carefully puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.

"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little problem..."

He describes the situation and Putin promises to look into it. After a few minutes Putin calls back.

"He should be fine now. It was our fault, sorry. We accidetnally sent him instructions meant for our lunar lander."

A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on itallian bread, make with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the sandwich dear?”

Every time he would give the same response, “It tastes fine”. He would continue eating with a dissapointed look on his face.

His wife thinks maybe its time to switch things up a bit. So the next day, she makes him his normal lunch, only this time, she makes it with ham and cheese, and on wheat bread. She thought surely he will enjoy this!

The husband enters the kitchen, site down, and takes a bite. His wife then asks “Hows the sandwich dear?”

As always, he replies “It tastes fine”. He would continue eating with a dissapointed look on his face.

His wife then thinks maybe she needs to offer him more variety. So the next day, she makes him a sandwich, only this time its made with salami, peparoni, and extra veggies and vinegarette dressing. He walks in the kitchen, takes a bite, and the wife asks “Hows the sandwich dear?”

As always, he replies “It tastes fine” and continued eating with a dissapointed look on his face.

The next day, as lunch time is getting ready to roll around, his wife was making him lunch. She was furious at the lack of excitement and enjoyment coming from her husband, so she decides shes going to make him the most unique sandwich hes ever had.

She prepares her itallian bread, only this time she toasts it, and almost burns it. She adds random ingrediants like peanut butter, pepers and onions, strawberry jam, turkey, ham, corned beef, some olives and some various seasonings. She thought “If this doesnt get a new reaction out of him, nothing will!”

The husband walks into the kitchen, takes a seat, and takes a bite of his sandwich. All of a sudden, his eyes widen, and he takes two more bites.

Suddenly, he looks up at his wife with the biggest grin he’s ever had. He chuckled a bit and says “Finally! Something original in this sub!”

Random Drug search

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

Blonde Convention

(*I heard this from a friend, sorry if it is a repost.*)

A group of blonde people decided to get together and hold a blonde convention to prove that blondes aren't dumb. They invited all the blonde people in the area.

In the middle of the event, they chose one random person from the crowd to answer questions, to prove she could answer them as well as anybody else.

"What is twelve plus three?" asked the interviewer.

"Nineteen," she responded. The interviewer felt very uncomfortable, however, the crowd was still supportive. To help get the girl's confidence back up, they shouted, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

"I'm going to ask you another question," said the interviewer. "What is ten times five?"

The blonde was sure she would get it right this time. "Sixty!" she said.

The interviewer shook her head, but again, the crowd cheered, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

The interviewer said, "I'm going to give you one last chance. This will be a very easy question. What is two plus one?"

"Three!" said the blonde, happy to get a question she could finally answer correctly.

The interviewer was about to congratulate when she was interrupted by the cheering of the crowd: "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

A woman goes to see her therapist...

The therapist kindly greets the woman. "What brings you here today?"

"I am absolutely terrified of random letters." says the woman.

The therapist had never heard of such a phobia before. "You are?"

The woman begins to scream.

"Oh, I see..."

The woman screams even louder.

Two friends are discussing...

"Look, I have this thing going," says first John. "I fell in love with our pastor's wife so we're having an affair. I haven't seen her for few days and I'm urging to do so. Could you be a buddy and keep our pastor occupied while I... go do the thing?"

His friend, Bill, reluctantly agrees. It's a sin he's agreed to help to commit. He goes to pastor and starts asking all sorts of random questions. He tries and tries, but pastor happens to be a wise man who sees that Bill is not sincere.

So, after sweating a bit, Bill confesses. That yes, he's just delaying the pastor from going home because his friend John is bedding pastor's wife.

Pastor scratches his head a bit. Doesn't get even angry.

"Bill," he says, "my wife's been dead for two years. There's no reason to keep *me* occupied... But if I were you, I'd run home really quick right now...!"

A lawer, a surgeon, and a janitor are going on a camping trip...

when they discover a magical wizard. He says, "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The lawyer says, "Easy! I'll be a kindergarten teacher! How hard can it be to read to a bunch of little kids?" He gets transported into a classroom. He starts off strong, but after two hours, the kids' screams get to him and he gives up in frustration.

Next, the surgeon says, "I've got this! I'll just be a waiter, all they do is walk around with trays of food all day." He is transported into a restaurant. After three hours, the annoying customers drive him insane and he quits out of rage.

Finally, it's the janitor's turn. He says, "I'll be an artist for a day." So he is teleported into an art studio. He takes a bunch of random paint and junk from around the studio and makes an abstract painting which he sells for 100 million dollars.

In awe, the genie asks, "Wow, that was amazing! How did you do it?"

The janitor replies, "I have a masters degree in art."

Chemistry joke.

A Chinese chemist took part in a chef competition in UK. His English was barely passable during the presentations, but his cooking skills were great, and he went on qualifying. In the last round, he got tied with another contestant for the first place. So an innovative tie-breaker was devised. Each of them was given a random substance from the shelf which they had to identify and come up with a story within a minute, that involved the substance in the punchline.

The Chinese guy was given baking soda, which he did identify, but didn't know what it was called in English. He thought for a while and went,

"Once upon a time, one big company. It have district manager and regional manager. Both get car from company. One day, RM car DM car crash on road. RM car break front bonnet. Fault of RM. But RM angry boss and ask for replacement, or DM lose job.

....

So DM buy car bonnet!"

A man goes to prison for the first time

A man is sent to prison for the first time.

 

The first night there, after the lights in the cell block are turned off, he immediately sees his cellmate going over to the bars and yelling, "twelve!"

 

The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "four!" Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.


"Why are you guys just yelling numbers?" He asks his cellmate. "What's so funny about random numbers?"

 

"Well," says the older prisoner, "They're not random. It's just that we've all been in this here prison for so long, we all know all the same jokes. So after a while we just started giving them numbers and yelling those numbers is enough to remind us of the joke instead of telling it."


Wanting to fit in, the new prisoner walks up to the bars and yells, "**89**!" Suddenly everyone breaks out into nonstop laughter, which after 5 minutes gets louder and louder. After 10 minutes the guards have had enough and decide to go in. They turn on the lights, pull the prisoners (all whom are still laughing) out of their cells and put them all facedown on the floor and try to restore order.
The new guy looks across to his cellmate who's lying facedown in front of him and ask "Why wouldn't anyone stop laughing?"
With a chuckle, his cellmate looks across and tells him "We haven't heard that one before!"

A kid asked : "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"

The father replied : "It's mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean."

With that, the father dialled a random number. He said "*Hello, is Adrian here?*"

The man answered "*There is no one here called Adrian. Why don't you pay attention when dialling?*"
"*He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch...*" the father said.

The father dialled the number again "*Hello, is Adrian there?*" asked the father.

"*Now look here!*" came the heated reply. "*You just called this number and I told you that there is no Adrian here! You're got a lot of nerve calling again!*" The receiver slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said "*You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means.*"

He re-dialled and when a violent voice roare "*Hello!*", the father calmly said "*Hello, this is Adrian. Have there been any phone calls for me?*"

The animal kingdom had become overpopulated.

The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: a joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and if he laughs, you live, but if he does not, you die. The competition would continue until the population of the kingdom was reduced in half.

All the animals spent the rest of the week preparing. Never before in the animal kingdom had so much original content been created. Jokes upon jokes were imagined, tweaked, and committed to memory. The animals worked tirelessly, until finally, the joke telling day came.

All the animals were gathered in a great assembly. Before animals were chosen at random to present their jokes, an offer was extended to any animal who thought they had a truly exception joke. The zebra volunteered almost immediately. It was not very often that he got to go first at anything because of that whole pesky "Z" thing. Additionally, he felt that his joke was quite funny, and wanted to make sure that he got a chance to present it to the tortoise before the tortoise was tired of laughing.

He nervously approached the podium, and presented his material. It was short, sweet, and had an excellent punchline. To the zebras relief, the whole animal kingdom erupted in a roar of laughter, and it fact, it took several minutes for everyone to calm down...

...except for the tortoise. Without emotion, he just stared back at the zebra. The zebra was shocked, the rest of the kingdom astonished, but sadly, everyone knew what this meant. The zebra was escorted away, never to be seen from again.

It came time for the second animal to give his joke. Again, they polled for volunteers, and after some hesitation, the chimpanzee raised his hand. The chimp figured it had a good repertoire of making others laugh, and while the tortoise was apparently a tough crowd, he figured he probably had a decent shot. He had worked hard on this, and had about a five minute act.

The chimp's animatedly presented his finest material. It was a bit song, a bit dance, and a ton of humor. The kingdom chuckled throughout the act, but when the chimp dropped his final punchline, the kingdom went bezerk. Never before had such a funny joke been told: the whole act, while funny in itself, was the perfect setup to the final line. This was not a joke, it was a work of art.

Once everyone had again calmed down, all eyes were on the tortoise. He was unmoved. The chimp was astonished, the kingdom flabbergasted. The chimp was escorted away. He tried to fight back, to plead with the tortoise, but to no avail. He was never seen from again.

At this, no one dared to volunteer. Two masters of the craft were just set away to their doom. How could anyone compete? There was silence across the animal kingdom. Everyone felt the weight of the impending doom that was their fate. There were no more volunteers, their only hope was to not be called. All they could do was wait.

It was then than the bison was called. He lumberd up to the front. He took a big gulp; he knew he really wasn't good at joke telling anyway, and was pretty sure that he was destined to die. He hesitated, stutterd, stammered, but presented his joke to the best of his ability anyway. When the punchline was delivered, (or at least what seemed to have been whatever punchline there could have been at such a scenario,) there was a collective moan over the kingdom. The joke, was it even a joke?, was horrible. Everyone knew that he would be escorted away to his...wait, what? The tortoise! He began to chuckle. Not just a "heh" chuckle, this was a real chuckle. Not a chuckle, this was a lough! Then more and more! He was laughing so hard he was having a hard time catching his breath. How could this be? Did the tortoise have some strange sense of humor? Why was he laughing at this? Was he senile? The kingdom was sent into confusion.

Finally the lion interjected. "SILENCE!" he shouted. He addressed the judge: "Oh wise and fair tortoise, why is it that you find the bison's joke so humorous, but none of the other animals' jokes?"

"The other animals?" replied the tortoise. "I was still laughing at the zebra's joke!"

When Canada was first founded, its leaders were having trouble coming up with a name.

Unable to come up with any ideas, they decided the best course of action would be to draw random letters out of a hat.

One man pulled out a letter, cleared his throat, and read,

"C, eh."

The letter was written down. The man pulled out another letter and read,

"N, eh."

This, too, was recorded. The man drew one more letter and read,

"D, eh."

A blonde calls her boyfriend...

One day a man gets a call from his blond girlfriend.

"Hey Babe!"

"Listen, I need you to come over right now! I'm doing a puzzle and I think it's supposed to be a tiger but I just can't figure it out, I've been doing it for hours..."

The boyfriend was a little confused, as she didn't seem the type to buy a puzzle... But it was clear she was upset, so he made the trip over. He walked in to her apartment and saw her sitting on the floor, a blue box overturned and all the pieces arranged in random circles on the floor.

He looked at her for a while without saying anything, then just sighed and said, "Sweetie, lets get all these frosted flakes back in the box..."

A new manager was hired....

The new manager walked all around the factory, inspecting his workers, when he came to a room where he saw someone slacking off, leaning against the wall. The manager hid behind a few pipes and watched the employee for 5 minutes.
The person didn't move a muscle, so the manager aproached him and ordered him to get into the manager's office.

"What is your name?" Asked the manager.
"Steven," he replied.
"And how much do you make in a week?"
"I make about 400 dollars."
the manager pulls out 400 and hands it to him.
"Here's this week's pay, now get out of here and never let me see you again!"
Steven then gets up and goes away.
Realizing he needs a replacement, the manager then walks up to a random worker and asks him: "that guy, Steve, who just left, what does he do around here?"

"Oh Steve?" Replied the worker, "that's the pizza delivery man!"

Two chemists walk into a bar

They walk up to the bartender and the first one says:

"I'll have a glass of H2O."

The other then says to his companion:

"Why don't you just say water? I understand that we're chemists an all that, but you don't need to walk around using random terms!"

The first chemist, frustrated, needs to rethink his assassination plot.

A man meets a Native American with flawless memory...

When he meets this Native American Chief he notices he is older than most.
He asks the Chief many questions, and the Chief replies flawlessly to each one.

Then he thinks of a random date and asks the Chief, "What did you eat on October 18, 1987?" The Chief replies "Eggs".

He leaves the Chief and goes home. A year later he meets the Chief again. Feeling respectful he approaches the Chief, and says "How" and the Chief says, "Scrambled!"

20 Things to do Before You Die...

1) Look at see through glass and when someone is on the other side shout "OH MY GOD, I'M HIDEOUS!"
2) Bring a big chair into the elevator facing away from the door and when someone walks in, dramatically turn and say 'we've been expecting you.'
3) Walk up to someone, hand them a potato, look them in the eyes and deadpan 'with great power, comes great responsibility.' Walk away.
4) Call someone to tell them you can't talk right now.
5) Point at someone and shout "You're one of them!" Run and pretend to trip. Crawl away slowly.
6) Buy a donut and complain that there's a hole in it.
7) Put Mayonnaise in a bowl, freeze it, and tell your friend it's ice cream.
8) Put up a "Lost Dog" poster with a picture of a cat on it.
9) In a public toilet, pass a note under the door next to you saying, "They're onto us. We need to go."
10) Walk up to a random person and say, "Wow! You've changed, I still have your picture from five years ago." And hold up a picture of potato.
11) Call McDonalds asking for directions to Burger King.
12) Order a pizza 5 minutes before New Years, and when it comes, yell, "I ORDERED THIS THING A YEAR AGO!
13) Bring a desk on an elevator. When people try to get on ask if they have an appointment.
14) Go to an electronic store with a banana and say that you want to upgrade to an apple.
15) Call Pizza Hut and ask for the phone number to Domino's.
16) Hide a walk talkie in a bush and scare people that walk by.
17) Get on a crowded elevator with a bag in your hands, sigh and say "darn my snake got loose again".
18) When someone asks you if you know what time it is, say yes and walk away.
19) Dress up as a duck and throw bread at people and say,"HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?!! HUH?!!!!
20) Go to a pet shop, point at an employee, and shout "I WANT THAT ONE MOMMY!!!"

Random blonde joke.

A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.

For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.

When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool and carefully laid out her tools.

Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!"

Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole.

Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!"

Amazed, the blonde was not quite sure what to do as this certainly was not covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly--tools in the right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again.

"There are no fish under the ice!!"

Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, "Is that You, Lord?"

The voice boomed back, "NO THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!"

Comment with a random object and I'll try to make a joke out of it!

On your mark, get set, go!

EDIT 1: I hope you guys are enjoying this so far! Thanks for all the awesome objects :)

EDIT 2: Damn, was not expecting this much attention! I have to go to work in a few but I'll try to answer as many as I can. In the mean time, feel free to continue commenting as long as this post remains visible! I'll get to them when I can c: this is fun!

The mental institution just got a new shrink...

...and on his first day he is shown around the hospital and introduced to the staff and patients.

As he comes to the activity room, there is a group of patients sitting in a circle facing one another. One of them says: "Number 31!" And the others start laughing. He notices that one of the patients, a young man, laughs much more than the others.

Then another patient chimes in: "Number 107!" And everyone's having a good laugh again. However, the young man is so amused that he's slapping his thigh and laughing much more than the others. The new shrink starts wondering what is going on.

Once again, another patient says: "Number 10!" The patients all start laughing again. By now, the young man is almost keeling over from laughter. And the shrink is now so curious that he goes up to one of the patients and discreetly asks him what they are doing?

"We're telling jokes, Doc," the patient whispers back.

"Oh, but is seems you're only mentioning random numbers."

"Well you see, we have been here a long time and we've all heard the same jokes over and over, so we decided to save us some time by just numbering them all. So when someone says a number, the other ones remember which joke he is telling, and we all have a good laugh. It's very convenient."

"Oh, I see" says the doctor hesitantly, "but what about that young fellow over there? Why is he laughing so much more than the others?"

"Well, he's new here, you see, so he has never heard any of them before."

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