Redneck Jokes

Contents

Funniest Redneck Jokes

Funny Redneck Jokes

Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve? All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.

I was in bed with this redneck girl when her father, her brother and her boyfriend busted in the room... ....and boy was he mad.

Why are redneck murders so hard to solve? All the DNA matches and there are no dental records.

How does a Redneck find his sister in the woods? Attractive.

Why are redneck murders so hard to solve? Because there are no dental records and their DNA is all the same.

Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve? All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.

Edit: made it to the hot page, my dad would be so proud, if only he knew who i was

How did the redneck find his sister in the woods? Attractive.

Two rednecks are having a beer together... One redneck asks the other, "If I slept with your wife and we had a child together, would that make us kin?" The other redneck responds, "I ain't sure, but it would at least make us even."

Two reasons why it’s hard to solve a Redneck murder 1. The DNA all matches
2. There are no dental records

What are two reasons it's so hard to solve a redneck murder? 1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.

What do a tornado, a hurricane, and a redneck divorce have in common? Somebody's gonna lose their trailer.

Why are redneck murder cases the hardest to solve? Because all the DNA matches and there are no dental records.

What does a redneck Buddhist believe in? Reintarnation.

Redneck murders are hard to solve There are no dental records and the DNA is all the same.

Redneck murders are hard to solve. Never any dental records and all the DNA's the same.

What do you call it when a redneck comes back from the dead? Reintarnation

Why are redneck murders so hard to solve? There are no dental records and all the DNA is the same.

What do you call it when a redneck dies and is reborn? Reintarnation

If a redneck dies in battle.... Does he go to y'allhalla?

What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common? Someone is losing a trailer.

The only thing harder than diamonds a redneck at his family reunion

Why are redneck murders so difficult to solve? There are no dental records and all the DNA matches.

Redneck murders are hard to solve.. There's no dental record and the DNA is all the same.

What do you call a redneck virgin? A 13 year old girl who runs faster than her older brothers.

A redneck broke up with his girlfriend it wasn't all that bad, she said they could still be cousins.

Why are Redneck murder victims so hard to identify? There are no dental records...

why can't you solve a redneck crime because there are no dental records and all the DNA is the same

What does a redneck do on Halloween? Pumpkin

What do you call a 7 year old redneck girl who can run faster than her brothers? A virgin.

A redneck walks in to a restaurant with his wife, sister and cousin He walks up to the host and says table for two please

Why are redneck murders hard to solve? No dental records and the DNA is all the same.

What do you call a redneck girl who runs faster than her brothers? A virgin.

Two rednecks are walking along when they see a dog licking his genitals. The first redneck says, “I wish I could do that.”

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The other responds, “If you tried, he’d probably bite you.”

I was in bed with this redneck girl when all of a sudden her father, her brother and her boyfriend burst into the room And boy was he mad.

Why is it so hard to solve a redneck murder? All the bloods the same and there are no dental records

Why did the redneck get colored pencils before he got his flu shot? He heard that vaccines can make you artistic.

What's the last thing you hear before a redneck dies? "Hey ya'll watch this"

How did the redneck find the sheep in the tall grass? Satisfying.

How can a redneck tell his twin sisters apart? By taste.

New Redneck Jokes

Redneck Murders?! Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve???

All the DNA matches and there are no dental records

A man in a hot air balloon was lost in West Virginia He looks down and sees a redneck so he screams down “where am I?” The redneck looks up and screams “you can’t fool me, you’re in that basket”

What did the redneck say when he went into the Walmart? Mayonnaise there a lot of people in here!

What do you call a redneck doing yoga? A stillbilly

Imagine a nascar fan. The image that comes to mind is probably that of a brutish, beer guzzling, loud mouth, hairy, unwashed, unshaven, redneck And her husband.

How is a tornado like a redneck divorce? ​

You just know someone is gonna lose a trailer.

Have you heard of the Redneck Metric system? Instead of meters, everything is measured in yays.

What do you call a ginger redneck with clinical depression? Billie Irish

What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common? Someone is going to lose a mobile home.

What does a redneck and a Tyrannosaur have in common? They both love their small arms.

What’s a redneck with a British accent called? An Australian

A redneck goes to the doctor Doctor asks "How is your perineum?"

Redneck replies "taint got no problem a'tall"

What’s it called when a redneck investigates the murder of one of his family members? An Incestigation.

A redneck walks along the carnival with a pig on his shoulders... ...' did you win that on the carnival? ' Someone asks....

'Sure did !!' the pig answers.

A redneck walks into a bar Bartender: How's it going?

Redneck: Good, Going to visit my grandparents later.

Bartender: Mother's side or father's side?

Redneck: Yes

Is clitoris at the front or at the back? One redneck asked another.

- Well I pretty sure it's at the front, why you asking?

- Never mind, then I liked a hemoroid last night.

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over West Virginia He looks down and sees a redneck on the porch of his trailer and shouts down to him

“Where am I ?”
The Redneck looks back up and shouts back,

"You can't fool me. You're in that basket up there."

How can you tell someone’s s redneck When their home is mobile, but all 5 of the cars in the yard aren’t

What do you call a redneck virgin. A seven year-old that can run faster than her brothers.

You might be a redneck if... You might be a redneck if:

The neighbors started a protest over your Christmas lights

Redneck is swearing He gets asked if he kisses his mother with that mouth to which he replys - why would I my sister is much prettier

Why did the redneck cross the road? He was still stuck in the chicken

A redneck introduces his new neighbor to America "We love to bomb other countries, we're very sensitive about our religion and down here it's normal to marry your cousin."

"I'm sure you'll fit right in Mohammed!"

What are the last words you hear from a redneck before he dies? "Hold my beer"

What do you call a redneck midget? A li’l billy

Q: What's the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies? A: Hey y'all... Watch this!

What happens if a redneck bakes himself into a loaf? He's inbread.

One day, when he was visiting family, Sleezy Steve happened to notice his cousin had become very attractive.. Steve: Hey cuz! Wanna play redneck family reunion?

Cousin: What?! No!

Steve: That’s the spirit.

A redneck wants to buy a German car. ”Audi partner!”

What does the redneck hitman say before pulling the trigger? “Get ‘em done”

How is a redneck like yeast? They are both inbred

i went to a redneck barbers to day, sat down in the chair then quickly changed my mind got up and walked away.

Think i may have dodged the mullet on this one.

What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common ? Either way someone's going to lose a trailer.

What do a redneck and his wife have in common? DNA

Why did a redneck turn into radical Islam? He had heard they get yeeeehaaw’d.

Did you hear about the redneck magician? He turns a 12 pack of beer into domestic violence.

What do you you call redneck foreplay? “Hey sis, you awake?”

My redneck cousin wants to be with a girl who is into multiple partners. Cracker wants a poly.

Why are redneck murders so hard to solve? Because none of them have dental records and all of their DNA is the same

Why does a redneck go to a family funeral? To meet women.

Long Redneck Jokes

Redneck vasectomy

After the birth of their 9th child, a redneck couple decided they'd had enough because they couldn’t afford a larger bed. The husband went to the veterinarian and asked to be snipped. "Me'n my cousin don't want no more kids"

The vet told him he could get a vasectomy, but it was expensive. "There is a cheaper option," said the vet. "Go home, find yourself a cherry bomb, light it up and put it in a Coors Lite can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

“I ain't no rocket surgeon," said the redneck, "but how's that gonna help me?"

“Trust me” said the vet.

So the redneck went home, drained a beer then stuffed a lit cherry bomb in the empty can. He brought it up to his ear and began to count:

“1… 2… 3… 4… 5…”

Once he got to five, he stopped for a second, put the can between his legs, and resumed the count on his other hand.

Redneck Divorce

A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce.

Attorney: "May I help you?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".

Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."

Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."

Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."

Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning."

Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?"

Hillbilly: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce."

A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin...

A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin. Upon hearing this, he stands up, turns away from her, and leaves without a word.

Later, when his buddies at the bar ask what went wrong, he explains...

"If she ain't good enough for her daddy, her uncle, her brother, and her cousin, she ain't good enough for me!!"

Two old rednecks were sitting outside of a gas station...

Between them there was an old hound dog laying on the concrete, licking it's balls.

One redneck was looking at the dog and said "I really wish I could do that!"

The other redneck looks down and says, "Well, you can try, but he'll probably bite ya."

Yet another redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin...

A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin. Upon hearing this, he stands up, turns away from her, and leaves without a word.

Later, when his buddies see him sad at the bar they ask what went wrong, he explains...

"My mom just told me I'm adopted"

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming.

They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".


First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:



Slowly across the desert sand

Trekked a lonely caravan.

Men on camels, two by two

Destination---Timbuktu.




The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:


Me and Tim a-huntin went,

Met three whores in a pop up tent.

They was three, and we was two,

So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

Dark jokes

1. Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is

2. What's the worst part about breaking up with a japanese person? You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message

3. What did kermit the frog say at Jim henson's funeral? Nothing

4. What's white on top and black on the bottom? Society

5. What's the difference between john wayne and jack daniels? Jack daniels is still killing indians

6. Penn State moved the Jerry Sandusky statue to the library. When you see him, you have to stay quiet.

7. Why does dr pepper come in a bottle? His wife is dead

8. What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?
I wouldn't pay 40 bucks to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

9. What is the last thing a redneck says before he dies? Hold my beer

10. Who's the opposite of christopher reeves? Christopher walkin

11. What's the difference between usian bolt and hitler? Usian bolt can finish a race

12. Why did princess diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing a seatbelt

13. How many potatoes does it take to kill an irishman? Zero

14. What did the left tower say to the right tower? Can't talk right now, gotta catch a flight

15. Why are suicide jokes long? Cause people who commited suicide lived shorter

16. What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion? People cry when they cut up an onion

17. What did the disabled boy get for christmas? Cancer

Redneck First Aid

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the country. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Well these two hillbillies in the next booth notice she is choking so they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over and the second hillbilly starts licking his butt. The women watches these two go at it and is grossed out. She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. The hillbilly pulls his overalls back up and says to the other, "You're right Leroy, that hind-lick maneuver works like a charm."

You Might be a Redneck Jedi If…

* You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with ya’ll."
* Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
* You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
* At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
* You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
* The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
* Wookies are offended by your B.O.
* You have ever used the Force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have to wait for a commercial.
* You have ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
* Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side… it’ll be a hoot."
* You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
* You have a Confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
* You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
* Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
* You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
* You were the only one drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
* Your business cards read "Billy Bob, Jedi Master".
* You know Ewoks squeal like pigs.
* You use your R-2 unit as a beer coaster.
* Your land-speeder had a light saber rack.
* If you hear … "Billy Bob, I am your father … AND your uncle!"

Linguistic Humor

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand 
Trekked a lonely caravan. 
Men on camels, two by two 
Destination---Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a-huntin went, 
Met three whores in a pop up tent. 
They was three, and we was two, 
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

Two rednecks are out having a nice dinner

Two redneck buddies are out having a nice dinner. The restaurant was overflowing with people chatting and chewing. Right as the two of them were about to order dessert they hear: “someone help! She’s choking!” from across the restaurant. One of the rednecks jumps up and tears through the crowd yelling “I got this!” He finally reaches the choking woman right as her lips started to turn blue. He takes her by the shoulders from behind and forces her to bend over. While one swift move he bends down behind her, lifts her dress, and licks her right on her butt cheek. The woman is so surprised that she immediately spits out the piece of food she was choking on. She gives the redneck a weary “thank you” and sits back down.
The redneck gets back to his seat, all the while his buddy is sitting there with his mouth open. His buddy says “man, what the heck was that about?!” The redneck looks at him confused and says “what? You ain’t never heard of the hind-lick maneuver?”

Poetry contest

At a poetry contest where the contestants are given one word they must create a poem from, there was competition between a well regarded poet and a redneck. The word given to them was “Timbuktu” and the poet was to go first.

Almost immediately the poet starts speaking..

“Slowly across the desert sands, treks a lonely caravan, men on camels, two by two, there destination, Timbuktu.”

No one thought the redneck could even compete but nonetheless he immediately stands and says,

“Me and Tim a huntin’ went, met three whores in a pop up tent, they was three and we was two so I buck one and Tim buck two”

A redneck boy runs into his house..

A redneck boy runs into his house and proclaims, "I've found the girl that I'm gonna marry! And she's a virgin!" Incensed, his father pounds his fist on the table. "There's no way you'll marry that girl! If she aint' good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."

A farmer has triplets, and they're getting ready for prom night

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The first date arrives, and in redneck tradition, the farmer greets him with a shotgun in hand. The boy tells the farmer, "My name is Teddy, I'm here to pick up Betty, we're going to get spaghetti, is she ready?" The farmer looks the boy over, and then calls Betty to go with him.

The second date arrives, and greeted by shotgun, nervously states, "My name is Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're gonna see a show, can she go?" The farmer thinks for a moment, then lets Flo go with Joe.

The night's third suitor rings the bell. He says "My name is Chuck-" and the farmer shoots him.

After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,...

...as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me".

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

Redneck boy meets his dream girl!

A young boy comes home to his father one day after school.

"Dad, I met the most INCREDIBLE girl in the world today. She's smart, she's beautiful, AND she's funny."

Dad pats his son on the back and walks him into the kitchen, "That's great, son. I'm proud of you for finding someone you like so much."

"That's not the best part, Dad. She's a VIRGIN."

At this point the father slams his hand down on the counter, "I forbid this relationship, son. I never want you to see this girl again. And if I find out you do, I'm going to give you the biggest whooping you ever had."

Tears stream down the son's face, "But, Dad, WHY? She's amazing and she likes me!"

"Well, son. If she ain't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."

You Might Be An Extreme Redneck If...

You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of HER kids.

The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'

You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your junior prom offered day care.

You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Redneck Wedding

After the ceremony the new couple arrive at their honeymoon suite at the Motel 6 and the new bride says ‘you will be careful won’t you?’

The young hubby is a bit confused and asks ‘Why?’

She explains that she is still a virgin

He throws his stuff back into his suitcase and storms out of the room.

At home his mother is surprised to see him back so early and asks ‘what’s up son?’

He says ‘she’s a virgin Maw’

The mother says ‘you done did right boy… if she’s not good enough for her family, she’s not good enough for ours’

Redneck birth control

A man and a woman from Alabama don't want any more children because they already have 11. So the husband goes to a doctor in Ohio.

The doctor asks, "What state are you from?

The man says "Alabama." The doctor tells him to go home, put a lit cherry bomb in an empty soda can, hold it in his hand, and count to 10.

The husband isn't so sure of this, so he goes to another doctor, this time in California.

When that doctor finds out that the husband is from Alabama, he tells him the exact same thing that the doctor in Ohio told him.

The husband figures that the doctors must be right.

So he goes home, puts a lit cherry bomb in a soda can, and starts to count. ''1...2...3...4...5...'' The husband takes the soda can and puts it between his legs to continue counting on his fingers on his right hand. ''6...7...8...9...''

Redneck DUI

A routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin , Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off–it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons’ vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.’
“I doubt it”, said the truly proud Redneck. ‘Tonight I’m the designated decoy.’