Skyrim Jokes

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Funniest Skyrim Jokes

What would a Skyrim guard say if he saw you choking a little girl? No loli gaggin'

What's the difference between Skyrim and a cow? You stop milking a cow after 6 years

What’s the difference between the Thalmor and a brick? A brick will actually help rebuild Skyrim

If you're starting a stealth build in skyrim Make sure to use leather armor, because it's made of hide.

What do subreddits and Skyrim players have in common? They're always looking for new mods.

Why isn't there a neutron mod in the Skyrim Steam Workshop? Because there'd be no charge.

A Microsoft Dev walks into a room.... Bethesda is working on Skyrim remastered 4k edition for the new xbox.

Microsoft Dev "Woah that screenshot looks cool"

Bethesda Worker: "That's not a screenshot, it's...it's the game"

The Fallout games are the most unrealistic games I've ever played. I mean, how is there no Skyrim remastered for the Pip-Boy?

5/7 unplayable.

What would the Dragonborn’s weapon be if Skyrim was a modern setting? A Shoutgun, obviously!

Where do people go in Skyrim to buy ice cream? To their local Dovah Queen

What do you call a Skyrim warrior with well endowed chest playing the lute and selling luxury merchandise at a discount? Nord-strum Rack.

With each new release of skyrim on differing platforms, what is guaranteed for skyrim superfans? More solitude

Skyrim joke What did the Dark Brotherhood assassin say after him Mom tucked him in?

Night, mother.

What do you call a Skyrim fan that is good at CSGO? Nova'kiin

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Long Skyrim Jokes

Everything is dark

There’s an Imperial wagon driving four prisoners down a snowy mountain pass. All are seated and bound; the one dressed in finery is gagged.

Ralof: Hey, you. You're finally awake. You were trying to cross the border, right? Walked right into that Imperial ambush, same as us, and that thief over there.

Lokir: Damn you Stormcloaks. Skyrim was fine until you came along. Empire was nice and lazy. If they hadn't been looking for you, I could've stolen that horse and been halfway to Hammerfell.

[He turns to the player.]

You there. You and me -- we shouldn’t be here. It's these Stormcloaks the Empire wants.

Ralof: We're all brothers and sisters in binds now, thief.

Imperial Soldier: Shut up back there!

[Lokir looks at the gagged man.]

Lokir: And what's wrong with him?

Ralof: Watch your tongue! You're speaking to Ulfric Stormcloak, the true High King.

Lokir: Ulfric? The Jarl of Windhelm? You're the leader of the rebellion. But if they captured you... Oh gods, where are they taking us?

Ralof: I don't know where we're going, but Sovngarde awaits.

Lokir: No, this can't be happening. This isn't happening.

Ralof: Hey, what village are you from, horse thief?

Lokir: Why do you care?

Ralof: A Nord's last thoughts should be of home.

Lokir: Rorikstead. I'm...I'm from Rorikstead.

[They approach the village of Helgen. A soldier calls out to the lead wagon.]

Imperial Soldier: General Tullius, sir! The headsman is waiting!

General Tullius: Good. Let's get this over with.

Lokir: Shor, Mara, Dibella, Kynareth, Akatosh! Divines, please help me.

Ralof: Look at him, General Tullius the Military Governor. And it looks like the Thalmor are with him. Damn elves. I bet they had something to do with this.

This is Helgen. I used to be sweet on a girl from here. Wonder if Vilod is still making that mead with juniper berries mixed in. Funny...when I was a boy, Imperial walls and towers used to make me feel so safe.

[A man and his son watch the prisoners pull into town.]

Haming: Who are they, daddy? Where are they going?

Torolf: You need to go inside, little cub.

Haming: Why? I want to watch the soldiers.

Torolf: Inside the house. Now.

Endgame Ending

Guy sitting next to me flipped out when I stood up to leave, he’s like wait bro, you’re gonna miss the end credits scene!

I looked at him solemnly stating: there is no end credits scene. He looked at me with a face of pure disbelief crossed with horror.

It’s not possible! He said to me.

Oh but it is... I replied. The saga has come to a close, and thus the end credits scene would fufill no purpose.

I quickly turned to leave; peering out of the corner of my eye, The man had his phone out and was consulting the international knowledge base for closure on this matter.

Before I was able to leave, I felt his hand on my shoulder, he says to me, there is something at the end.

I was shocked! Surely there was not! But alas, I trusted the stranger, and sat through the entire credits. The screen faded away, and to my absolute shock, the man was right. Appearing on the screen were 5 fateful words that have defined me to this day

They read:

The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim

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