A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks. "We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says bartender.
Two men are drinking in a bar
They pull out the sandwiches their wives had lovingly prepared and tuck in.
The bartender comes over and says "you can't eat your own food in here"
So they swapped sandwiches.
[WARNING CONTENT NOT FUNNY] Do not click into this
A horse walked into a bar
Horse: Yes please
An infinite number of people walk into a bar...
The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer...
The bartender pulls out two beers and tells them to know their limits.
Joke I made up: Caveman and a bear walk into a bar. Bartender says "what's your story?" Caveman says... Bear with me...
A North Korean Soldier Walks Into A Bar The bartender asks, "How's it going?" The North Korean soldier replies, "Can't complain!"
The bartender says, “Go home. We don’t serve faster-than-light-particles here.” A tachyon walks into a bar.
A cat walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "what'll you have?"
The cat says, "A shot of rum."
The bartender pours the cat his drink.
The cat slowly pushes the shot off the table.
A construction worker walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt.
The bartender asks: “What can I get you?”
The construction worker says “One beer for me, and one for the road.”
So a guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of less. The bartender asks, "What's less?" The guy says "I don't know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it."
A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” "Because…He’s my newt.
A racist, a womanizer, and a rapist walked into a bar... ...the bartender says "how may I help you, Mr. President?"
Two fat ladies walk into a bar
They order drinks, in a thick accent.
"You two ladies from Ireland?" asks the bartender.
Offended, one of them replies "Wales!"
"Oh I'm so sorry," says the bartender, "Are you two whales from Ireland?"
The bartender said we don't serve time travellers. Two men walk into a bar.
Snake walks into a bar. And the bartender says ''How did you do that?''
A bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks whata ya have there big fella? The bear says " Give me a .........................................................beer." The bartender says" What's with the big pause?" The bear throws his arms up in the air and says " I DON'T KNOW I WAS BORN WITH THEM."
A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar..... The bartender says " Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here".
David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. "It’s a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.
“Just call me Hoff,” he replied.
“Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”
An original joke walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Welcome to /r/Jokes! I don't think I've seen you here before." Original joke replies, "Don't worry. Within a week or two, I'll be a regular here!"
Comic Sans walks into a bar The bartender says "Get out - We don't serve your type".
An ego and a superego walk into a bar. The bartender says "I'll have to see some id"
A horse walks into a bar
"Hey", the Bartender says.
"Sure", the horse replies.
A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
He asks for a coke and a mango juice for his newt Tiny.
The bartender asks “Why is he called Tiny?”
And the man replies “Because he’s my newt!”
Edit: I have replied to the comments and removed my edits
A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem
He tells the bartender,"Give me 2 shots of..."
The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get 1 shot."
A joke walks into a bar... Bartender says woah! I've never *meta* joke before
The bartender asks "why the non-linear sequence?" Quentin Tarantino walks into a bar.
A man walks into the bar...
The bartender: "Hi Dave!"
The boss faints.
Eminem walks into a bar and orders two shots of... The bartender cuts him off and says, “You only get one shot.”
A black hole walks into a bar
A black hole walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender asks if it would like food with that.
The black hole says, "No thanks, I'm a light eater."
So a Black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder...
The bartender says "Wow, that's something real special you've got there! Where'd you get it?"
"Africa!", says the parrot.
A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender takes one look at him and says, "We don't serve food here."
A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
“That’s pretty neat!” The bartender says, “Where’d you get him?”
“Africa.” Says the parrot.
A rapist, a bigot, and a pathological liar walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll you have, Mr. President?"
So I ordered the 50 cent at the bar last night... The bartender gave me 9 shots and took all my money
So a guy walks into a bar where Eminem is the bartender
Guy: Two shots please
Eminem: You only get one shot
So a black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder the bartender says “Wow that’s cool! Where’d you get it” “Africa” says the parrot
A girl walks into a bar and ask the bartender for a double entendre so he gives it to her.
A rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on one shoulder ... The bartender says, "Hey, where'd you get that?" And the frog says, "Brooklyn, der's hundreds of um."
a man and harambe walk in to a bar
bartender: what will you fine gentleman have?
man: no, you'll have ice
bartender: just ice?
man: yes, justice for harambe
What did the race car say to the bartender?[OC] Rum rum!
Comic Sans walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Get out, we don't serve your type!"
An arctic seal walks into a bar.
The bartender asks "What'll you have"
The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club!"
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender what time the most beautiful women show up at... The bartender tells him "It's all in the eye of the beer holder"
A black man walks in to a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says "thats a unique species where did you get it?" "I got it from Africa," said the parrot.
A skeleton went into a bar..
The bartender asks,"What'll be Bones?"
The skeleton replies,"Two beers and a mop."
An idiot, a misogynist and a rapist walks into a bar... ...the bartender says "what can I get you Mr. President?"
Van Gogh walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender asks him to please contribute to the tip jar and asked him if he had any small bills. Van Gogh searches through his pocket and said,” I got one right ‘ere.”
A woman walks in a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre So he gave it to her.
A black guy and his parrot walk into a bar
The bartender says wow that's really cool where did you get it
The parrot says Africa
An Australian, New Zealander and a South African walk into a bar and each order a beer. Bartender: Sorry, we don’t serve Bears 🐻
There's a fantastic bar in Helsinki where people make a habit of ordering drinks after last call... the bartender always obliges if they Finnish up quick.
A woman walks into a bar with a kid, holding brown paint in one hand, paintbrushes in the other.
The bartender says: "Is that your son? He isn't allowed in here."
The woman says: "I promised I would give him a chocolate bar, so everybody start painting."
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says 'why the long face?' The horse said 'my wife has terminal cancer'
A woman walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I would like a double entendres.” So he gave it to her.
Three heavy-set women enter a bar and order their drinks.
The bartender says, "You all have some interesting accents. You broads from Scotland?"
They glare at him and one says, "Wales."
He says, "Ok... You whales from Scotland?"
the bartender said we dont serve for time travelers a time traveler walks into a bar
What would Freud say if he was a bartender? "I'm sorry but I'm going to have to see your id"
A grasshopper hops into a bar and the bartender says “hey, we’ve got a drink named after you”. And the grasshopper says “ what? ..Kevin?”
A horse walks to a bar, the bartender asks, “Why the long face?” The horse replies, “My alcoholism is destroying my family”.
A talking grasshopper walks into a bar
Bartender: we have a drink named after you
Grasshopper: what? You have a drink named Gary?
A battery, a mule, and a fish walk into a bar.
The mule orders a beer. "I'm off the wagon," he explains.
The battery orders a juice. "AA all the way," it says.
"And for you, sir?" The bartender asks the fish. "Water," it croaks, and collapses.
A woman and a goose walk into a bar
The bartender asks, "Why did you bring the pig into the bar?"
The woman answers, "Why, I do believe this is a goose not a pig!"
The bartender says, "I was talking to the goose!"
ANYONE KNOWS CPR?
I was at a bar the other day when all of a sudden, the bartender yelled, "ANYONE KNOWS CPR?"
I yelled back, "I KNOW THE ENTIRE ALPHABET", and everyone laughed and laughed and laughed.
Well, except for this one guy.
A portable dryer rolls into a bar.
Bartender: How's it going?
Dryer: Not great.... I just caught my wife cheating on me and I got so heated I had to leave.
Bartender: I'm sorry would you like a drink?
Dryer: No. I just wanted to vent.
What did the bartender say to the ham sandwich? Sorry, we don’t serve food here.
A Sikh walks into a bar..
and takes a seat.
Bartender: Are you relaxing?
Sikh: No, my name is Aman Singh.
Helium and Neon walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink There was no reaction
Roy Moore walks into a bar and orders a 10 year old scotch, and water
The bartender says "here's your scotch and water."
Roy Moore asks "where's my 10 year old?"
Thor and Pikachu walk into a bar and get in a fight with the bartender. They were both overcharged.
A lizard walks into the bar... A lizard walks into a bar pushing a baby in a stroller. “What’s your kid’s name?” asks the bartender. “Tiny,” says the lizard. “Because he’s my newt.”
A snail walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here!" and then throws him out... So the snail comes back to the bar a few days later and says, "Well what was that for?"
A woman walks into a bar and asks for double entendre. The bartender gave it to her.
The other day I walked into a bar and ordered a double entendre So the bartender gave it to me.
Two blonde girl goes to a bar.
The bartender asks: 'Are you sisters?'
The two blonde says: 'No, we aren't even catholics.'
A guy with a lazy eye is sitting at a bar...
drinking his sorrows away. The bartender notices the man is upset and asks, "What's wrong buddy?"
The guy says, "Well my wife left me, she thought I was seeing someone on the side."
A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder....
The bartender looks in amazement and says, "how awesome! Where did you get that!?"
Suddenly the parrot looks up and says, "Oh him? Africa, there are millions of them there..."
A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder...
He walks up to the counter and asks for a drink.
The bartender then goes "hey, where did you find him."
The parrot then responds, "BAWK, AFRICA. THERES THOUSANDS OF THEM."
A Rabbi, a horse, and a leprechaun walk into a bar... ...and the bartender says, "What do guys think this is, a joke?"
A blond, a rabbi, a schoolkid, a lawyer, a prostitute, the pope, a pirate and George Bush walk into a bar...
The bartender says:
Is this a joke?
I walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre. So the bartender gave it to me.
A termite walks into a cocktail lounge... and asks a customer, "Is the bartender here?"
A blonde, a drunk, a liar, and a loser walk into a bar to order a couple drinks...
The bartender says: "There's my favorite customer! What will it be this time Ms. Clinton?"
Edit: Hahaha everyone's so butthurt. It's just a joke...
I am so bored in my current profession. I am thinking of becoming a bartender... ...to shake things up a bit.
A door walks into a bar
The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
The door responds, "I'm off my hinges."
A middle eastern man walks into a southeast American bar...
and says to the bartender, "Hello, I am Amarrah Kaan."
The bartender says, "No you ain't."
A woman walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a double entendre So the bartender gave it to her.
A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre... so he gave it to her.
A guy wearing a turban walks into a bar The bartender asks "Is this some sort of Sikh joke?"
I used to be good friends with my bartender But now our relationship is on the rocks
Girl walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre So the bartender says "Sure, I'd be more than happy to give you a hand with that"
A polar bear goes into a bar
bartender: "Hey, I got a drink named after you"
Polarbear: "Do you have a drink called Allan?"
A woman walks up to the bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. So the bartender gave it to her
I walked into the bar and asked for something cold and full of rum. The bartender yelled to the back, "Dear, there's someone here to see you."
A suicide bomber, a member of an ethnic minority, my girlfriend, a priest, and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender says "What is this, /r/Jokes?"
A pretty girl walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "what are you having?". Girl responds "I'll take a a Double entendre". ... So he gives it to her.
It should have been a pony.
A small horse walks into a bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says "I can't hear you!"
The horse says "Sorry I'm a little hoarse."
A Presbyterian, a lawyer, a blonde, and a dog walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "What is this, some kind of joke?"
I'm a fan of simple jokes So a termite walks into a pub and says: " Is the bartender here?"
So a Nun, a Rabi, a Lion, a Zombie, a Leprechaun, a goldfish, a Space Alien, a pair of Siamese twins, and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "Is this some kind of a joke?"