A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks. "We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says bartender.
Two men are drinking in a bar
They pull out the sandwiches their wives had lovingly prepared and tuck in.
The bartender comes over and says "you can't eat your own food in here"
So they swapped sandwiches.
[WARNING CONTENT NOT FUNNY] Do not click into this
A horse walked into a bar
Horse: Yes please
An infinite number of people walk into a bar...
The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer...
The bartender pulls out two beers and tells them to know their limits.
Joke I made up: Caveman and a bear walk into a bar. Bartender says "what's your story?" Caveman says... Bear with me...
A North Korean Soldier Walks Into A Bar The bartender asks, "How's it going?" The North Korean soldier replies, "Can't complain!"
The bartender says, “Go home. We don’t serve faster-than-light-particles here.” A tachyon walks into a bar.
A cat walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "what'll you have?"
The cat says, "A shot of rum."
The bartender pours the cat his drink.
The cat slowly pushes the shot off the table.
A construction worker walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt.
The bartender asks: “What can I get you?”
The construction worker says “One beer for me, and one for the road.”
So a guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of less. The bartender asks, "What's less?" The guy says "I don't know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it."
A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” "Because…He’s my newt.
A racist, a womanizer, and a rapist walked into a bar... ...the bartender says "how may I help you, Mr. President?"
Two fat ladies walk into a bar
They order drinks, in a thick accent.
"You two ladies from Ireland?" asks the bartender.
Offended, one of them replies "Wales!"
"Oh I'm so sorry," says the bartender, "Are you two whales from Ireland?"
The bartender said we don't serve time travellers. Two men walk into a bar.
Snake walks into a bar. And the bartender says ''How did you do that?''
A bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks whata ya have there big fella? The bear says " Give me a .........................................................beer." The bartender says" What's with the big pause?" The bear throws his arms up in the air and says " I DON'T KNOW I WAS BORN WITH THEM."
A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar..... The bartender says " Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here".
David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. "It’s a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.
“Just call me Hoff,” he replied.
“Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”
An original joke walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Welcome to /r/Jokes! I don't think I've seen you here before." Original joke replies, "Don't worry. Within a week or two, I'll be a regular here!"
Comic Sans walks into a bar The bartender says "Get out - We don't serve your type".
An ego and a superego walk into a bar. The bartender says "I'll have to see some id"
A horse walks into a bar
"Hey", the Bartender says.
"Sure", the horse replies.
A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
He asks for a coke and a mango juice for his newt Tiny.
The bartender asks “Why is he called Tiny?”
And the man replies “Because he’s my newt!”
Edit: I have replied to the comments and removed my edits
A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem
He tells the bartender,"Give me 2 shots of..."
The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get 1 shot."
A joke walks into a bar... Bartender says woah! I've never *meta* joke before
The bartender asks "why the non-linear sequence?" Quentin Tarantino walks into a bar.
A man walks into the bar...
The bartender: "Hi Dave!"
The boss faints.
Eminem walks into a bar and orders two shots of... The bartender cuts him off and says, “You only get one shot.”
A black hole walks into a bar
A black hole walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender asks if it would like food with that.
The black hole says, "No thanks, I'm a light eater."
A horse walks into a bar and requests "Hello, I'd like some anthropomorphization please" The bartender replies: "I think you've had enough already"
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and asks for a beer
The bartender nods,
"and how about one for the road?"
A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender takes one look at him and says, "We don't serve food here."
A narcissist, a misogynist, and a bigot walks into a bar... Bartender says, what'll it be Mr. President?
So I ordered the 50 cent at the bar last night... The bartender gave me 9 shots and took all my money
So a black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder the bartender says “Wow that’s cool! Where’d you get it” “Africa” says the parrot
A girl walks into a bar and ask the bartender for a double entendre so he gives it to her.
Never trust a volleyball-playin bartender... They might spike your drink.
An intellectual once went into a bar and asked for a martinus...
"Surely, you mean a 'martini', right?" - Said the bartender.
The intellectual looked at him coldly and said - 'If I wanted two, I'd have asked for them"
Who is James Bond's favorite bartender? Michael J Fox
Comic Sans walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Get out, we don't serve your type!"
An arctic seal walks into a bar.
The bartender asks "What'll you have"
The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club!"
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender what time the most beautiful women show up at... The bartender tells him "It's all in the eye of the beer holder"
A black man walks in to a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says "thats a unique species where did you get it?" "I got it from Africa," said the parrot.
A skeleton went into a bar..
The bartender asks,"What'll be Bones?"
The skeleton replies,"Two beers and a mop."
A guitarist goes to a bar
He orders a gin and tonic
then pulls out his guitar and starts playing.
The bartender asks, "diet tonic?"
To which the guitarist replies:
An idiot, a misogynist and a rapist walks into a bar... ...the bartender says "what can I get you Mr. President?"
A woman walks in a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre So he gave it to her.
A horse walked into a bar. The bartender asked, "Why the long face?" The horse responded, "I finally realize that my alcoholism is disrupting my life at home and driving my family apart."
A black guy and his parrot walk into a bar
The bartender says wow that's really cool where did you get it
The parrot says Africa
An Australian, New Zealander and a South African walk into a bar and each order a beer. Bartender: Sorry, we don’t serve Bears 🐻
There's a fantastic bar in Helsinki where people make a habit of ordering drinks after last call... the bartender always obliges if they Finnish up quick.
A woman walks into a bar with a kid, holding brown paint in one hand, paintbrushes in the other.
The bartender says: "Is that your son? He isn't allowed in here."
The woman says: "I promised I would give him a chocolate bar, so everybody start painting."
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says 'why the long face?' The horse said 'my wife has terminal cancer'
A woman walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I would like a double entendres.” So he gave it to her.
the bartender said we dont serve for time travelers a time traveler walks into a bar
What would Freud say if he was a bartender? "I'm sorry but I'm going to have to see your id"
A horse walks to a bar, the bartender asks, “Why the long face?” The horse replies, “My alcoholism is destroying my family”.
A talking grasshopper walks into a bar
Bartender: we have a drink named after you
Grasshopper: what? You have a drink named Gary?
A battery, a mule, and a fish walk into a bar.
The mule orders a beer. "I'm off the wagon," he explains.
The battery orders a juice. "AA all the way," it says.
"And for you, sir?" The bartender asks the fish. "Water," it croaks, and collapses.
A woman and a goose walk into a bar
The bartender asks, "Why did you bring the pig into the bar?"
The woman answers, "Why, I do believe this is a goose not a pig!"
The bartender says, "I was talking to the goose!"
A women walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre So the bar tender gives it to her.
A portable dryer rolls into a bar.
Bartender: How's it going?
Dryer: Not great.... I just caught my wife cheating on me and I got so heated I had to leave.
Bartender: I'm sorry would you like a drink?
Dryer: No. I just wanted to vent.
What did the bartender say to the ham sandwich? Sorry, we don’t serve food here.
A Sikh walks into a bar..
and takes a seat.
Bartender: Are you relaxing?
Sikh: No, my name is Aman Singh.
Helium and Neon walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink There was no reaction
Roy Moore walks into a bar and orders a 10 year old scotch, and water
The bartender says "here's your scotch and water."
Roy Moore asks "where's my 10 year old?"
Thor and Pikachu walk into a bar and get in a fight with the bartender. They were both overcharged.
A lizard walks into the bar... A lizard walks into a bar pushing a baby in a stroller. “What’s your kid’s name?” asks the bartender. “Tiny,” says the lizard. “Because he’s my newt.”
A snail walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here!" and then throws him out... So the snail comes back to the bar a few days later and says, "Well what was that for?"
A woman walks into a bar and asks for double entendre. The bartender gave it to her.
Two blonde girl goes to a bar.
The bartender asks: 'Are you sisters?'
The two blonde says: 'No, we aren't even catholics.'
A guy with a lazy eye is sitting at a bar...
drinking his sorrows away. The bartender notices the man is upset and asks, "What's wrong buddy?"
The guy says, "Well my wife left me, she thought I was seeing someone on the side."
My wife walked into a bar.
The bartender asked "Why the long face?"
Glaring at the bartender, my wife responded "That joke's for horses, you idiot."
"Yes, it is," the bartender replied.
A blond, a rabbi, a schoolkid, a lawyer, a prostitute, the pope, a pirate and George Bush walk into a bar...
The bartender says:
Is this a joke?
I walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre. So the bartender gave it to me.
a man and harambe walk in to a bar
bartender: what will you fine gentleman have?
man: no, you'll have ice
bartender: just ice?
man: yes, justice for harambe
A termite walks into a cocktail lounge... and asks a customer, "Is the bartender here?"
A blonde, a drunk, a liar, and a loser walk into a bar to order a couple drinks...
The bartender says: "There's my favorite customer! What will it be this time Ms. Clinton?"
Edit: Hahaha everyone's so butthurt. It's just a joke...
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel stuck to his forehead and orders a drink...
The bartender passes the drink and says "So what's up with the paper towel?"
The pirate replies "Yaaaar! There be a Bounty on me head!"
A door walks into a bar
The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
The door responds, "I'm off my hinges."
An atom walks to a bar
He tells the bartender he lost an electron.
The bartender says, "Are you positive?"
A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. So he gave her one.
So a soccerball walks into a bar The bartender kicked him out.
What do you call a white guy surrounded by twenty five Indians? Bartender.
A guy wearing a turban walks into a bar The bartender asks "Is this some sort of Sikh joke?"
A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre, so he gave it to her.
Comic Sans Serif walks into a bar.... ... the bartender says: "Get out! We don't serve your type here! "
I used to be good friends with my bartender But now our relationship is on the rocks
An attractive woman at a bar orders a double entendre. The bartender gives it to her.
A woman walks up to the bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. So the bartender gave it to her
I walked into the bar and asked for something cold and full of rum. The bartender yelled to the back, "Dear, there's someone here to see you."
So a lady walks into a bar and orders a double entendre... ...and the bartender gives it to her.
A black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder.
"Wow," says the bartender. "That is really something. Where'd you get it?"
"Africa," says the parrot.
A pretty girl walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "what are you having?". Girl responds "I'll take a a Double entendre". ... So he gives it to her.
A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre... ... So he gives it to her!
A Presbyterian, a lawyer, a blonde, and a dog walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "What is this, some kind of joke?"
So a man and a giraffe walk into a bar... and drink until the giraffe passes out. The man goes to leave and the bartender yells, "Hey, you can't leave that lyin' there!" Man says, "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
I'm a fan of simple jokes So a termite walks into a pub and says: " Is the bartender here?"
A woman walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a double entendre. So he gave it to her.