Hilarious Bartender Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Bartender Jokes

A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks. "We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says bartender.

Score: 16313

Two men are drinking in a bar They pull out the sandwiches their wives had lovingly prepared and tuck in.

The bartender comes over and says "you can't eat your own food in here"

So they swapped sandwiches.

Score: 15099

[WARNING CONTENT NOT FUNNY] Do not click into this A horse walked into a bar

Bartender: Hey

Horse: Yes please

Score: 13232

An infinite number of people walk into a bar... The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer...

The bartender pulls out two beers and tells them to know their limits.

Score: 11990

Joke I made up: Caveman and a bear walk into a bar. Bartender says "what's your story?" Caveman says... Bear with me...

Score: 11974

A North Korean Soldier Walks Into A Bar The bartender asks, "How's it going?" The North Korean soldier replies, "Can't complain!"

Score: 10850

The bartender says, “Go home. We don’t serve faster-than-light-particles here.” A tachyon walks into a bar.

Score: 10622

Score: 6864

A cat walks into a bar. The bartender says, "what'll you have?"
The cat says, "A shot of rum."
The bartender pours the cat his drink.
The cat slowly pushes the shot off the table.
"Another."

Score: 5284

A construction worker walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt. The bartender asks: “What can I get you?”
The construction worker says “One beer for me, and one for the road.”

Score: 3933

So a guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of less. The bartender asks, "What's less?" The guy says "I don't know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it."

Score: 2913

A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” "Because…He’s my newt.

Score: 2442

A racist, a womanizer, and a rapist walked into a bar... ...the bartender says "how may I help you, Mr. President?"

Score: 2324

Two fat ladies walk into a bar They order drinks, in a thick accent.

"You two ladies from Ireland?" asks the bartender.

Offended, one of them replies "Wales!"

"Oh I'm so sorry," says the bartender, "Are you two whales from Ireland?"

Score: 2313

The bartender said we don't serve time travellers. Two men walk into a bar.

Score: 2194

Snake walks into a bar. And the bartender says ''How did you do that?''

Score: 2157

A bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks whata ya have there big fella? The bear says " Give me a .........................................................beer." The bartender says" What's with the big pause?" The bear throws his arms up in the air and says " I DON'T KNOW I WAS BORN WITH THEM."

Score: 1888

A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar..... The bartender says " Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here".

Score: 1745

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. "It’s a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender. “Just call me Hoff,” he replied.

“Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”

Score: 1705

An original joke walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Welcome to /r/Jokes! I don't think I've seen you here before." Original joke replies, "Don't worry. Within a week or two, I'll be a regular here!"

Score: 1687

Comic Sans walks into a bar The bartender says "Get out - We don't serve your type".

Score: 1642

An ego and a superego walk into a bar. The bartender says "I'll have to see some id"

Score: 1615

A horse walks into a bar "Hey", the Bartender says.

"Sure", the horse replies.

Score: 1530

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. He asks for a coke and a mango juice for his newt Tiny.

The bartender asks “Why is he called Tiny?”

And the man replies “Because he’s my newt!”

Edit: I have replied to the comments and removed my edits

Score: 1396

A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem He tells the bartender,"Give me 2 shots of..."

The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get 1 shot."

Score: 1343

A joke walks into a bar... Bartender says woah! I've never *meta* joke before

Score: 1241

The bartender asks "why the non-linear sequence?" Quentin Tarantino walks into a bar.

Score: 1082

A man walks into the bar... The bartender: "Hi Dave!"

The boss faints.

Score: 1066

Eminem walks into a bar and orders two shots of... The bartender cuts him off and says, “You only get one shot.”

Score: 1035

A black hole walks into a bar A black hole walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender asks if it would like food with that.

The black hole says, "No thanks, I'm a light eater."

Score: 1001

Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch. Bartender says, "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line"

Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

Score: 935

A horse walks into a bar... The bartender says, "Hey."

The horse says, "Sure."

Score: 847

A dog walks into a bar The dog says, "Gimme a beer." The bartender says, "Wow! You can talk! You should get a job at the circus!" The dog says, "They're hiring electricians at the circus?"

Score: 670

A girl walks into a bar. Says to the bartender, "I'd like a double entendre, please."

So he gives it to her.

Score: 662

f(x) walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't cater for functions

Score: 570

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve time travellers here." Two time travellers walk into a bar.

Score: 538

Oxygen, Hydrogen, Sulfur, Sodium, and Phosphorus walk into a bar. The bartender says: "OH SNaP"

Score: 501

A bear walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "I'll have a............beer." The bartender responds, "what's with the big pause?" The bear holds up his arms and says, "always had 'em."

Score: 424

A conman, a mentally handicapped person, and a Russian spy walk into a bar And the bartender asks, "What will it be, Mr. President?"

Score: 389

So I asked the bartender for a rum and coke. He said, "Is Pepsi okay?" "Sure, whatever," I said.

So he handed me a glass of pepsi and coke.

Score: 389

New Bartender Jokes

So a black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder the bartender says “Wow that’s cool! Where’d you get it” “Africa” says the parrot

Score: 30

A rapist, a bigot, and a pathological liar walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll you have, Mr. President?"

Score: 62

A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. “That’s pretty neat!” The bartender says, “Where’d you get him?”

“Africa.” Says the parrot.

Score: 97

Gold and Silver walk into a bar... The bartender says, "Ey you, get outta here!"

So Gold left.

Score: 71

I was at a bar the other day, when all of a sudden, the bartender yelled... "Does anyone know CPR!?"

I yelled back, "I know the whole alphabet!" and everyone laughed and laughed and laughed.

Well, except for this one guy.

Score: 242

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

The horse says, "I just realized that I'm a metaphysical concept within a fictional narrative and will cease to exist at the end of this sentence."

Score: 180

The bartender says: "I'm sorry, but we don't serve FTL particles." A tachyon walks into a bar.

Score: 208

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead ...a doctor, a lawyer and an accountant, a Brit, a German and an American, a priest, a rabbi, two camels and a duck walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them all and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

Score: 49

The bartender said: "Sorry, we don't serve Time Travelers." ...

Two Time Travelers walk into a bar

Score: 30

A 60 year old Billionaire goes to the bar... ...with his gorgeous 25 year old wife!

The bartender asks him "how did she marry you?"

The billionaire replies " I lied about my age!"

Bartender: " You said 45?"

Billionaire: "No! I said 90!"

Score: 223

A German asks for a martini… "Dry?" asks the bartender.

The German, confused: "No, just one."

Score: 78

A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we dont serve food here."

Score: 126

A polar bear walks into a bar A polar bear walks into a bar. Bartender says "what can I get you?" Bear replies " I'd like a gin......... And tonic" Batender asks "Why the big pause?" The polar bear looks at his hands, turning them back and forth "I don't know, my dad had 'em too."

Score: 172

A Russian spy, a Klansman, and televangelist walk into a bar. Bartender says, "Sorry. Republican Convention is next door."

Score: 105

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of the front of his pants. The bartender looks up and says "Hey Pirate, you've a got a steering wheel coming out of the front of your pants!"

The pirate says "Argh, it's driving me nuts."

Score: 101

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and asks for a beer The bartender nods,
"and how about one for the road?"

Score: 235

This women walks into a bar and says, "Give me an entendre. Make it a double." So the bartender gives it to her

E: credit to /u/Narzgul85

Score: 202

Oxygen and potassium walk into a bar The bartender said "Ok"

Score: 32

A roman soldier walks into a bar A roman soldier walks into a bar and asks for a *martinus*.

“You mean *martini*?”, asks the bartender.

The roman soldier answers “If I wanted two, I would have told you!”

Score: 212

A pirate walks into a bar..... with a peg leg, a parrot on his shoulder, and a steering wheel on his pants.

The bartender says, "Hey, you've got a steering wheel on your pants."

The pirate says, "Arrrr, I know. It''s driving me nuts."

Score: 39

Why did the bartender only charge his customer for the vodka in his screwdriver? Because as of yesterday, OJ is free.

Score: 96

A quick joke The bartender said "We do not serve faster-than-light neutrinos at this bar."

A neutrino walks into a bar.

Score: 48

A spy, an adulterer, and a guy who launders money for the Russian mob walk into a bar... The bartender says "What'll it be, Mr. President?"

Score: 60

A guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants... And the bartender asks "what's wrong?"

The man replied "I don't know, but it's driving me nuts!"

Score: 53

The bartender told him, "We don't serve time travellers here!" A time traveller walked into a bar,

Score: 54

A pirate walks into a bar... The bartender says, "Hey pirate, what's with the paper towel on your head?"

The pirate replies, "Arrr, I got a bounty on me head."

Score: 38

A woman walks into a bar Bartender says, "That's funny, I was expecting a guy"

Score: 31

A ham sandwich walks into a bar... The bartender goes sorry, we don't serve food here.

Score: 60

In honor of father's day - one from my dad. A dungbeetle walks into a bar and he says to the bartender: Excuse me sir, is this stool taken?

Score: 60

"Sorry," says the bartender, "I've run out of jokes. Besides, haven't you got this backwards?" A punchline walks into a bar.

Score: 102

A guy walks into a bar and orders fruit punch The bartender says, "Pal, If you want punch, you'll have to go stand in line."

The guys looks around, but there is no punch line.

Score: 218

A neutron went into a bar and ordered a beer, The bartender upon seeing him said "this one is free of charge".

Score: 50

A dog goes into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says, “You don’t see a dog in here drinking a martini very often...”

The dog says, “At these prices, I’m not surprised.”

Score: 40

Man walks into a bar with a salamander. The bartender says, "Nice lizard. What's its name?"

"I call him Tiny because he's my newt."

Score: 53

Guy walks into a bar Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
Bartender says "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line"
Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

Score: 84

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.” The bacteria say, “But we work here, we’re staph"

Score: 203

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. You mean a martini? the bartender asks.

The Roman replies, if I wanted a double, I would have asked for it.

Score: 90

A priest, a rabbi, and a chicken walk into a bar. The bartender says "Nope! We don't do jokes here, get out!"
And the chicken says, "Come on guys, I know a place across the street."

Score: 98

A joke walks into a bar The bartender says "Cool! I never meta joke before!"

Score: 29

A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem... He says,"Give me 2 shots..."

The bartender cuts him off and says,"You only get 1 shot."

Score: 330

So a mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender says "We don't serve mushrooms here. You're always ruining jokes." The mushroom says "Come on. I'm a nice guy."

Score: 267

Ayn Rand, Rand Paul, and Paul Ryan walk into a bar... The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.

Score: 35

A guy walks into a Bar And asks for a beer.

The bartender: 'do you want a normal beer or a no-alcohol?'

'It depends. Do you want normal money or Monopoly's?'

Score: 44

A rope walks into a bar The bartender says "We don't serve your kind".
So the rope walks out, twists himself up and parts his hair and then walks back in.
The bartender asks "Aren't you the same guy who was here a moment ago?".
The rope replies "I'm a frayed knot."

Score: 34

A black guy with a parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar The bartender asks: Hey cool, where'd you get it?

The parrot says: Africa

Score: 95

A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender takes one look at him and says, "We don't serve food here."

Score: 113

A bartender says "Hey! We don't serve faster-than-light particles here!" A tachyon flies into a bar.

Score: 61

A narcissist, a misogynist, and a bigot walks into a bar... Bartender says, what'll it be Mr. President?

Score: 73

Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and order a beer The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast"

Score: 145

A man and a Giraffe walk into a bar. The Giraffe gets drunk and falls on the floor unconscious.
The bartender says "you can't leave that lyin' there."
The man says "its not a Lion, its a Giraffe"

Score: 80

A 14 year old Chinese boy walks into a bar He goes up to the the bar and signals the bartender
"I'll have a pint please"

The bartender looks him up and down and laughs
"You're way too young!"

"How you know my name!"

Score: 245

So a guy walks into a bar where Eminem is the bartender Guy: Two shots please

Eminem: You only get one shot

Score: 34

A man asks a bartender: "How late does the band play?" "Only about half a beat behind the drummer." The bartender replies.

Score: 66

A black guy with a parrot walks into a bar. The bartender says, "wow! That is beautiful! Where did you get it?" The parrot responded, saying, "there are millions of them running around in Africa."

Score: 91

A snake walked into a bar The bartender says, "Hey, how did you do that?"

Score: 89

So a Black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder... The bartender says "Wow, that's something real special you've got there! Where'd you get it?"

"Africa!", says the parrot.

Score: 162

A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot... The bartender says, "Wow! That is really cool! Where did you get it?"

"Africa", says the parrot.

Score: 262

A horse walks into a bar... The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

The horse replies, "My alcoholism is destroying my family."

Score: 122

A joke my granpda tells to me every time I see him A pirate walks into a bar and sits down. He orders a drink. The bartender gives him the drink and says "sir do you know there's a steering wheel in your pants" the pirate replies "yarr, its driving me nuts"

Score: 45

So I ordered the 50 cent at the bar last night... The bartender gave me 9 shots and took all my money

Score: 56