Two men are drinking in a bar
They pull out the sandwiches their wives had lovingly prepared and tuck in.
The bartender comes over and says "you can't eat your own food in here"
So they swapped sandwiches.
An infinite number of people walk into a bar...
The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter beer. The fourth orders an eighth of a beer...
The bartender pulls out two beers and tells them to know their limits.
Joke I made up: Caveman and a bear walk into a bar. Bartender says "what's your story?" Caveman says... Bear with me...
A North Korean Soldier Walks Into A Bar The bartender asks, "How's it going?" The North Korean soldier replies, "Can't complain!"
The bartender says, “Go home. We don’t serve faster-than-light-particles here.” A tachyon walks into a bar.
A cat walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "what'll you have?"
The cat says, "A shot of rum."
The bartender pours the cat his drink.
The cat slowly pushes the shot off the table.
A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”
"Because…He’s my newt.
A construction worker walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt.
The bartender asks: “What can I get you?”
The construction worker says “One beer for me, and one for the road.”
So a guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of less. The bartender asks, "What's less?" The guy says "I don't know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it."
A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” "Because…He’s my newt.
Guy runs into a bar, yells "Quick! How tall is a penguin?"
Bartender says "Three feet tall."
Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"
A racist, a womanizer, and a rapist walked into a bar... ...the bartender says "how may I help you, Mr. President?"
A bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks whata ya have there big fella? The bear says " Give me a .........................................................beer." The bartender says" What's with the big pause?" The bear throws his arms up in the air and says " I DON'T KNOW I WAS BORN WITH THEM."
A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar..... The bartender says " Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here".
An original joke walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Welcome to /r/Jokes! I don't think I've seen you here before." Original joke replies, "Don't worry. Within a week or two, I'll be a regular here!"
A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem
He tells the bartender,"Give me 2 shots of..."
The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get 1 shot."
4 Norse god, 1 Roman god, and 2 astronomical bodies walk into a bar The bartender says " Oh, this is a gonna be a week joke"
Eminem walks into a bar and orders two shots of... The bartender cuts him off and says, “You only get one shot.”
A black hole walks into a bar
A black hole walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender asks if it would like food with that.
The black hole says, "No thanks, I'm a light eater."
Three logicians walk into a bar..
The bartender asks, "would all three of you like some beer?"
The first one replies,"I don't know"
The second one replies, "I don't know either"
The third replies, "Yes all three of us would like a beer"
At a wedding reception, the best man said, 'would all the married men please stand next to the person that made their lives worth living.' The poor bartender was crushed to death.
Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
Bartender says, "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line"
Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.
Recently got a second job as a bartender at a stripclub. Ive never worked so hard before in my life.
A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem...
He says,"Give me 2 shots..."
The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get one shot."
The bartender says "We don't serve time travelers in here." A time traveler walks into a bar.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a punch
The bartender says “Sir, if you wanna punch, you gotta get in line.”
The guy looks around but there is no punch line
A dog walks into a bar The dog says, "Gimme a beer." The bartender says, "Wow! You can talk! You should get a job at the circus!" The dog says, "They're hiring electricians at the circus?"
A horse walks into a bar and requests "Hello, I'd like some anthropomorphization please" The bartender replies: "I think you've had enough already"
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?" "Pop", goes the weasel.
So a weasel walks Into a bar. Bartender says "Wow I've never served a weasel before, what can I make for you?" "Pop" goes the weasel.
Bartender asks a man "You ever had ann orange in your beer?" Man says "Once, in a Blue Moon."
A bigot, a liar, and a rapist walk into a bar The bartender asks, "what'll it be, Mr. President?"
A hamburger walks into a bar
The hamburger sits down at the bar and asks the bartender “hey can I get a beer?”
The bartender replies “sorry we don’t serve food here.”
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants
The bartender looks at him and asks, "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?"
The pirate looks down and says, "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"
Helium, neon, argon, krypton, xenon and argon walk into a bar.
The bartender shouted at them: "GET OUT!"
They didn't react.
a bishop walks up to a bar and the bartender says ‘you can’t do that. you can only move diagonally.’
A paedophile, a rapist, a cheat, and a liar walk in to a bar... Bartender says: What can I get for you Mr. President?
A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. He immediately yanks the dog and starts to spin him in the air like a lasso.
The bartender freaks out, "What are you doing?!?!"
The blind man replies calmly, "Oh, just having a look around."
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Did you know that geese kill more humans than sharks each year?" the guy asks the bartender. "Yes, but let's be fair about it," the bartender replies. "It's really hard for a goose to kill a shark."
A bishop walks straight into a bar and orders a beer. "You can't do that," the bartender says. "You can only move diagonally."
So a sandwich walks into a bar He sits down and asks the bartender for a beer, the bartender says “Sorry we don’t serve food here”.
A dog walks into a bar and says, “a pint of beer, please.” The bartender says, “wow, you should be in the circus.” The dog says, “why, do they need electricians?”
Two chemists walk into a bar..
"I'll have H2O," one says.
"I'll have H20, too," says the other.
Neither die, because the bartender understands the context.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar... The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, "You guys should know your limits."
An original joke walks into a bar.
Bartender : Hey, welcome to /r/jokes! I don't think I've seen you here before.
Original joke: Don't worry, I'll be a regular here within a week or two.
Two chemists go into a bar. The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O." The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too". The bartender then gives them two glasses of water because he doesn't keep freaking Hydrogen Peroxide on the bar counter.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
"You mean a martini?" the bartender asks.
The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"
A black hole walks into a bar and orders a drink...
The bartender asks if he'd like food with that.
The black hole said "no thanks, I'm a light eater."
f(x) walks into a bar
The bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't cater for functions".
f'(x) walks into a bar... Wait, isn't this the same joke? No, it's derivative humour.
A weasel walks into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, “Wow! In all my years tending bar, I’ve never had a weasel stop by. What can I get you?”
“Pop,” goes the weasel.
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt.
The bartender asks, “What can I get for ya?”
The man says, “A beer for me, and another for the road.”
Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "Do all of you want a drink?"
The first logician says, "I don't know."
The second logician says, "I don't know."
The third logician says, "Yes!"
I was tired and bored one night, so I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, “What’ll you have?” I said, “Surprise me.” He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
"I'm a socialist drinker!" The bartender chuckled and asked me, "Don't you mean social drinker?" "No, I only drink when someone else is paying."
A weasel walks into a bar
The bartender exclaims “Well I’ll be! We’ve never have a weasel in here before. Whatever you’d like, you may have. What’ll it be?”
“Pop,” goes the weasel.
Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch
“Man if you want punch you have to stand in line.” Guy looks around but there is no punchline
I was at a bar the other day, when all of a sudden, the bartender yelled...
"Does anyone know CPR!?"
I yelled back, "I know the whole alphabet!" and everyone laughed and laughed and laughed.
Well, except for this one guy.
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
The horse says, "I just realized that I'm a metaphysical concept within a fictional narrative and will cease to exist at the end of this sentence."
The bartender says: "I'm sorry, but we don't serve FTL particles." A tachyon walks into a bar.
At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said " all the married men please stand next to the person who made your life worth living" The bartender was damn near crushed to death!
Hitler walked in to a bar...
The bartenders says "whoa, hitler I thought you were dead"
Hitler says "no, just hiding. I'm planning to kill the rest of the Jews and 5 clowns"
The bartender asks "why the clowns?"
Hitler says "see no one cares about Jews"
A 60 year old Billionaire goes to the bar...
...with his gorgeous 25 year old wife!
The bartender asks him "how did she marry you?"
The billionaire replies " I lied about my age!"
Bartender: " You said 45?"
Billionaire: "No! I said 90!"