Clown Jokes

Contents

Funniest Clown Jokes

Funny Clown Jokes

Women say they want a man who is funny and spontaneous But you knock on their bedroom window at midnight in a clown costume and suddenly it's all screaming and throwing things and police helicopters.

What clown has killed more children than "It"? Ronald McDonald.

Yesterday a clown held open the door for me What a nice jester.

The best insult ever is, "who is this clown?", because... #1- You are calling them a clown
#2- You are saying they are not even a well known clown

It must be tough having the world's best clown as your dad. You would have such big shoes to fill

Which clown has killed the most people? Ronald McDonald

What is the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed clown on a tricycle? Attire

A clown held open a door for me today. I thought it was a nice jester.

A kid and a clown are walking through the woods. The kid looks around and says, "man these woods sure are scary"

The clown replies, "you're telling me I have to walk out of here alone."

I quit my job at McDonald’s today... Boss was a clown

A clown is walking through the woods with a kid The kid looks up at the clown, "It's getting late, and I'm getting scared."

Clown says, "YOU'RE scared? I have to walk out of here alone."

Yesterday a clown held the door open for me I thought it was a nice jester

THAT'S NOT FUNNY, THAT'S SICK! A clown and a little boy are walking through the woods. The boy says "it sure is dark and scary here". The clown says "how do you think I feel? I'm coming back alone".

A little boy and a clown are walking through the woods at night... "Golly!" the boy says, "It sure is scary out here!"

"You think you're scared!" the clown replies. "I'm the one who has to walk home all alone."

A clown held open a door for me. It was a nice jester.

A clown held the door open for me the other day. It was a nice jester.

A clown held the door for me today. I thought it was a nice jester.

A clown and a little girl walk through a dark forest. The girl says, "I'm scared!"

The clown replies, "you think you're scared? I have to walk back alone!"

A clown held the door open for me the other day. I thought that was a kind jester.

A clown opened the door for me today. It was a nice jester.

The girl I met last week said she wanted a guy who was "funny and spontaneous" I showed up at her kitchen window late at night wearing a clown suit and suddenly it's all panic and screaming...

The life of a clown A clown goes to his boss to ask for a raise, the boss replies: "20 years working for me and you finally make me laugh."

Yesterday, a clown held a door open for me... I thought it was a nice jester...

Today a clown opened a door for me I said "that's a nice jester"

I once held a door for a clown It was a nice Jester

Paying a clown to blow up balloons at a party is pretty expensive. Must be inflation.

A clown with a briefcase walks into a bar The barman calls security and says "sorry, no funny business"

This clown fad is getting out of hand.... They are even running for president of the United States.

Why was the kleptomaniac clown visiting the liquor store? He was lifting their spirits

A little girl and a clown are walking through the woods... The little girl says, "Clown, I'm scared." The clown looks down to the girl and says, "You're scared? I'm the one who has to walk back alone."

It's hard following a clown act My girlfriend dated a clown before we started going together.

I've got some pretty big shoes to fill.

What do you call a clown that gives you flowers? A Romantic Jester!

What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a clown on a unicycle? Attire

I just got fired for looking up clown videos on my lunch break. My boss didn't buy that "Lisa Ann gets creampied" is a clown video

A clown just held a door open for me. It was a nice jester.

Yesterday, a clown held open the door for me. it was a nice jester.

My girlfriend used to date a professional clown before she met me. I have some big shoes to fill.

Fun fact, clown fish are edible. But be forewarned, they taste funny.

Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester!

Popular Topics

New Clown Jokes

My father was the best clown of all time. When he died, all his friends came to his funeral in one car.

Donald trump may seem like a clown to you but you're forgetting one thing that american society is a circus.

Finally watching One Piece and just saw tiny Buggy the Clown get spit out by a bird that tried to eat him. I guess he tasted funny.

Have you ever seen the clown at the grocery store that hides from stupid people? Yeah, me neither.

I was trying to figure out what to do with the dying clown on the floor. Then, IT hit me.

Explaining to a child that we're mortal and death is inevitable Is probably, for me, the hardest part of being a party clown

My 80 yr-old uncle was caught planting secret listening devices in a hotel room while wearing a clown costume. What a silly old bugger.

How do you get a clown off a swing set? Hit him in the face with an axe.

A clown goes crazy and starts murdering everybody with a cast-iron skillet. Don't get the joke? It's deadpan humor.

How do you make a Clown cry You throw a brick at it

Residents of the island to the south of Italy who have Coronavirus must wear clown suits until they are well. It Sicily Law.

What does McDonalds and the White House have in common? They’re both run by a clown and have high turnover.

Why did the clown not show up to work? He was feeling a little bit funny.

A clown who's job is going to parties and make all kind of balloons.. Is that considered a blow-job?

The clown Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester!

What do you call a clown gigolo? A Mcpounder.

What's the difference between a politician and a clown? When the clown tricks you, you get surprised

Had a clown for my son's birthday yesterday. Tasted funny.

How were the detectives sure the murdered clown was shot to death? His car was riddled with bullets.

How do you stop a clown from smiling? You throw an axe at his face.

Julius Caesar and Brutus Walk Into a Movie Theater Brutus looks at Caesar and says "Caesar, we should watch the movie sequel with the scary clown in it!"

Caesar ponders what Brutus is saying for a moment. "It Two, Brute?"

Did you hear about the lady who got ran over by a clown car? She never saw it coming.

Why didn’t the clown steal coins from his grandma? Because he is Pennywise!

I wanted to be a professional clown >.... but those are big *shoes* to fill.

Why was the rodeo clown frustrated with his job? He was tired of all the bull.

I had a nightmare about the scariest clown ever my ex

Gun battle breaks out at clown convention No one was seriously hurt.

What do you call a clown who’s in jail? A silicon!

IT chapter two reveals how Pennywise was created According to a very reliable sauce, a demon named PundFoolish possessed the beloved clown Pennywise in the early 1930s

My uncle was a circus clown . When he died everyone showed up. In one car

With "IT 2" being released, i wanted to make sure everyone is being safe, so here is a tip if you are being attacked by a clown Make sure to go for the juggler

What’s the difference between a rodeo clown and a politician? The rodeo clown tries to avoid the bull.

#Breaking news A clown recently had to retire earlier this week.
#
After sustaining an injury, the clown was found to have broken his funny bone.
#
Looks like he got the last laugh.

What do you call a clown with diarrhea? A party pooper.

Why did the clown through his clock out the window. Because he wanted to see time fly.

What do you call a phobia of a clown wielding a chainsaw running straight at you? Common sense

Yesterday a clown held the door open for me. Such a nice jester.

Why does Pennywise the clown only know the metric system? Because he's pound foolish...

Two clowns are eating a cannibal. And one clown says to the other: "I think we're in the wrong joke."

Being the clown in IT... Must be a draining job.

Popular Topics

Long Clown Jokes

This is for Robin Williams

A man goes to see a doctor. Doctor asks what seems to be the trouble. The man says, "Doc, I'm depressed. Simply, I can't sleep sometimes, I can't eat, I feel down and irritable most days. I just can't feel 'happy.'"

The Doctor says, "I've got the perfect fix for you. In town tonight is the great clown Pagliacci. He's hysterically funny and will make you laugh til you cry. You will experience a joy unprecedented."

The man bursts into tears. The doctor, confused asks why. "Doc, I *am* Pagliacci."





Robin Williams was legendary. He was also human. He had his demons and battled them all his life. I don't like that he's gone, but I understand what he's dealt with. RIP.


Edit: The "joke" ~~is from~~ I saw in Watchmen. It was the first thing I thought of upon hearing about his death and that it was as a result of a suicide. I don't have the words to rationalize my posting it. I'm just saddened immensely by his loss for I, like many others, loved Robin for his comedy and respected him for who he was as a person.

A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. As he is sitting there he catches sight of the guy sitting next to him and notices the man looks exactly like Adolf Hitler. The man ignores this at first and quietly drinks his beer.

After some time his curiosity gets the better of him, so he turns to the man and says, "Has anyone ever told you that you look just like Hitler?"

To the guy's surprise, the man turns right to him and says in a thick German accent, "That is because I am Hitler."

The guy just laughs this off and takes another drink, but the stranger keeps his serious expression and says, "It is true, I am Hitler. The allies thought I killed myself, but I escaped and moved here to lie low."

The guy is understandably stunned, so putting his drink down he asks Hitler, "If it's true, and you're Hitler, then you're the most hated man alive--you killed six million Jews!"

"Well yes," says Hitler, "but nobody cares about the Jews anyway."

They argue for a while after that about whether anyone cares about the Jews, before Hitler finally says, "Tell you what. I'll prove to you right now that no one cares about the Jews. I will go around the world right now, round up six million more Jews, and kill every single one of them. Then I will find one clown, and I will kill him too."

Puzzled, the man asks, "Well what would you kill the clown for?"

Then Hitler points at him and says, "See? You didn't care about the Jews either!"

A blind clown is asked to perform at a children’s hospital. He is led into the amputee ward and begins with some jokes, but not one child laughs.

“A song, perhaps,” he thinks. “That’ll cheer ‘em up!”
“Ifffffff you’re happy and you know it....”

The Story of Mike Doe!

Hey, my name’s Mike Doe, and this is my story. I had a friend in college, my freshman roommate, who was always talking about his family. His name was Robert Gooding, and he must’ve had a family tree that started from Adam and Eve. Every single day he would drone on and on about some cousin or uncle or some such. He would always burst into the room saying things like, “Hey Mike! You’ll never guess Uncle Nate and Aunt Ridley are doing in Taiwan for the orphans this week!” I remember him talking about how Dimitri, his mother’s grandfather’s nephew’s son, which is apparently what second cousin once removed means, had resolved a tense hostage situation in Iran. And how cool Auntie Pauline (actually a distant cousin) was for working on top secret stuff with the CIA. I always tried to be patient with him and at least pretended to listen and nod at his stories. They never seemed to be about the same people. Sometimes he’d mention something that was actually funny or interesting too so it wasn’t always bad.

Good old rambling Robert. He picked up that nickname within a couple weeks of starting school--I don’t think he liked it much. He didn’t make many friends because he could never stop talking about his own family. Sometimes I think that I was the only one he could talk to who wouldn’t start running after five minutes. I’m not going to lie though. Back then I endeavored to be out of the room most of the day to avoid his ramblings. However no matter how late I came back, he was always up and ready to tell me something new about his family’s latest adventures.

There was this one time that was different though. On a day close to the end of our first semester together, he suddenly stopped his rambling and stared at me with a really serious expression. The abrupt lack of background noise startled me from the article I was reading while humoring him, and when I saw his face I thought he must have been angry with me for ignoring him. “You know Michael,” he started as I prepared my apology, “I really appreciate that you listen to my stories every day. I know it must be boring and annoying for you, but you listen anyway and I appreciate that. So I want to promise you something. Us Goodings, we don’t forget stuff like this. We take care of our friends. Just you wait, one day me and the whole family will find a way to thank you.” I shuddered at the thought of having to attend a graduation party with his entire family and hear about all their adventures first hand, but at that moment I realized that Robert was actually a pretty good guy.

Our year together came to an end, and the next year I was assigned a different roommate. Rambling Robert still sent me emails to keep me up to date with all his family happenings for a while, but even those stopped when he decided to transfer out to some college in Washington. I completed my degree in criminal psychology and went on to work as a detective for the DEA for a while. I had a great time there busting drug dealers and cleaning up the streets of my hometown, and my mom was so proud to have a real Officer Doe in the family. I was about 45 years old when they promoted me and had me relocated near the Mexican border to work on the drug traffic coming from the cartels. It was there that I finally met one of Robert’s infamous family members, Randall Gooding. He was my new supervisor, and when I showed up on the first day he greeted me like an old friend. He told me that he recognized my name and background from the stories Robert had told him, and he personally requested that I be sent down. I was surprised that Robert even talked about me, we had only known each other for a year, but it was nice to reminisce about the Goodings again. Randall was just as talkative as Robert was, and we hit it off almost immediately. It felt like I was in college again. His nickname around the office was Rambling Randy, which had me chuckling for at least a day. Robert, it turns out, was doing just fine. He was a doctor now somewhere in Texas, and I was happy that my old friend was able to make such a good life for himself.

Work was good for a few years until the cartel activity started to pick up dramatically. Nobody was sure why but we were suddenly inundated with arrests and busts and all kinds of paper work. Even Randy wasn’t as talkative around this time. It was all supposed to come to a head today. Today we were going to do a massive takedown on a processing plant operating just inside the border. Our undercover agent had uncovered it while posing for a different case so Randy and I took the lead while the rest of the office continued monitoring the other operation. We enlisted the FBI and local SWAT teams for help and I thought everything was going to go smoothly until I got kidnapped right out of the parking lot on my way out of the office last night.

From the time they ripped the rucksack bag off of my head till the first rays of daylight, they questioned me. They were careful. All of them had clown masks on, the hard plastic kind that never quite fit the face right. All of them were wearing gloves and carrying weapons--some had guns, some had various wicked modifications of baseball bats and crowbars. The night was rough. They wanted to know how we found out about them, who we were working with, when the operation was going to go down, and a whole host of other questions. I was patient and waited. I gave them no information and suffered a few broken ribs and some teeth for it. While they were questioning me, I took in my surroundings. I knew from the floor plans I had studied for the bust that I was in the processing plant, specifically in one of the raised offices at the end of the building. I could see the entire plant from the large window on the wall in front of me. I guessed that they did not know about our plans yet, so I contented myself to sit tight and wait for the bust to happen at 10AM.

However, it was around 6AM when I heard the sirens blaring in the distance. Maybe they stepped up the schedule when they found out I was kidnapped, I thought. My captors were awake in an instant and took up the preplanned positions we had predicted. One of the guys carrying what looked like an M16 came cursing into the office where I was being held. After cracking me in the face with the butt of the gun, I felt more than heard him raise the muzzle level with the back of my head. Soon I heard an unfamiliar voice yell over a megaphone giving the normal spiel about being surrounded and to give up. Of course they refused to give up and began to use me as a bargaining chip. Randy’s voice came over the megaphone just before the first officer continued the negotiation, “Mikey! Just wait Mikey! Hang tight and don’t do anything stupid.”

The standoff lasted for hours. If it weren’t for the gun pressed on the nape of my neck, I would have probably passed out from boredom. Eventually things got real quiet. My guard started getting antsy and walked out--probably to check for new orders with his superiors. As soon as he left the room, a hundred glass windows shattered breaking the silence and raining shards of glass down on the main factory floor. White smoke obscured the first floor as tear gas flooded the facility. Shouting and gunfire followed as my captors opened fire. Amid the confusion and smoke I couldn’t tell who was winning. I did hear Randy’s voice at one point yelling orders like, “Dimitri, take the stairs and give Pauline some cover.” None of the officers who were supposed to be with us today were named Dimitri or Pauline. The din began to wither after only a few minutes and unseen officers began yelling, “Clear!” As the smoke dissipated, I expected to see the body armor and face masks of the SWAT teams who were supposed to be part of today’s operation. Instead I saw lots of men and a few women I had never seen before in various uniforms. Some were in army uniforms others were in suits, and there were even a few in civilian clothes. God, did they call the Army and CIA in on this? When Randy saw me, he came running up with one of the suited men who was carrying a bag.

“Mike! Thank God you’re still alive. I’m sorry we made you wait so long, but we had to wait for all the flights to make it before we could move.”

“What? What flights? Randy, what are you talking about?”

“We found out you were kidnapped at about midnight. The team that we were going to use wasn’t trained for hostage situations so I had to improvise. I made some calls around and got as many as I could to come down here. Good thing Nate here happened to have hostage experience. Nobody asked any questions after I brought your name up, we all know you thanks to Robert here.” He motioned at the suited man who was leaning in to assess me.

I frowned at the man and suddenly realized that his bag contained medical supplies. “Robert?” I choked the question out in disbelief. He just gave me a small smile while he continued his work. “You mean to tell me that all of these guys… They’re all your family?”

Robert looked up from where he was examining my jaw with a wry smile, “I told you we don’t forget Mike. All the Goodings come to Doe’s who wait. ”

A little boy and a clown are walking into the woods together holding hands

It's night time and everything is very dark.

The little boy turns to the clown and says "I'm scared"

To which the clown turns to him and replies "You're scared! I'm the one that's gotta walk out of here alone"

A little boy and a clown go walking into the woods.

As they get deeper and deeper into the woods, the little boy starts looking around, apprehensive.

"Boy, it sure is getting scary in here." the little boy says.

"YOU'RE scared?" the clown replies, "I still have to walk back out of here by myself!"

A King, a Queen, and a Clown

A king was feeling depressed. The queen decided to hire a clown, hoping to lift his spirits.

At the end of the clowns performance, everyone in the kings court was laughing and applauding. Except the King.

The Queen turned to her husband and said “What is it? Are you feeling any better?”

The King sighed. “No, I still feel pretty down... but I certainly appreciate the Jester.”

When someone botched a joke.

Teacher: "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One clown says to the other 'does this taste funny?' "

Class: "umm"

Me to friend: "that was like a dead baby..."

Friend: "what?"

Me: "poor delivery"



This is probably the first joke I actually came up with myself. It felt good.

The boy and the clown

A clown and an 8 year-old boy are walking through a cemetery late at night when the boy becomes frightened and starts crying.
"I don't understand what you're scared and crying about" says the clown. "I'm the one who has to walk back alone..."

Man goes to doctor.

Says he's depressed.
Life seems harsh and cruel.
Says he feels all alone in a threatening world.

Doctor says: "Treatment is simple.
The great clown Pagliacci is in town. Go see him. That should pick you up."

Man bursts into tears.
"But doctor", he says. "I *am* Pagliacci."

Man goes to doctor.

Says he's depressed.

Says life seems harsh and cruel.

Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain.

Doctor says "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up."

Man bursts into tears.

Says "But, doctor...

"...I am Pagliacci."

A frog goes into a bank for sizable a personal loan.

He finds himself at the desk of a man with a name plate that reads "J. Paddywack: Sr. Loan Officer"

Paddywack says, "This is quite an amount you're asking for Mr..."

"Richards," the frog says, "My dad, Keith, said you'd be able to help me."

"Um...yes. Do you have any collateral?" The loan officer asks.

The frog pulls a small statue of a clown and puts it on the desk.

Paddywack picks up the statue and says to the frog, "I'll need to speak to my manager."

In the manager's office, the loan officer explains the situation. He pulls out the clown and asks, "Do you know what this is?"

The manager looks at it for a second before replying,

(Get ready)

"It's a knick knack, Paddywack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Rorschach's Joke

**Rorschach's Journal August 24, 2012**

I heard a joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life is harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor... I am Pagliacci." Good joke.

**Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains.**

Billy's birthday gift

Little Billy just turned 8. His parents went all out for the party. They rented a bounce house. The cake was three layers. They even hired the best clown in the state. All of Billy's friends from school were there, even some of the older cool kids made it. At the end of the party, when everyone left, Billy's father gave him one last gift It was wrapped up in a large box. Billy opened the box up and inside was a slightly smaller box. Written on the box was "Open me on your 80th birthday." Billy's dad, who has a big grin on his face, said "I guess you'll just have to wait." Later that night, Billy barely got any sleep as he pondered whether or not to open the box anyway. It took a great amount of restraint, but he decided not to open the box.

Five years later, Billy was celebrating his 13th birthday. He'd reached a milestone and that year had been quite eventful. He was growing up, noticing girls. His parents got divorced. It was a mutual decision, and they both told him that it wasn't his fault. His mother, however, still felt the need to over-compensate on his birthday. She managed to reserve Jimmy's favorite arcade for him and his friends. Overall, he had a great day, but later that night, he remembered his dad's gift. He had it stashed away in the closet. He pulled the box out to open it up, but looked at those words on the box that said "Open me on your 80th birthday". Billy contemplated opening the box up anyway. He figured he waited long enough, but ultimately, he chose not to open the box, and put it back in the closet.

Another five years passed, and Billy was turning 18. This year we also eventful. His parents reconciled. He had a girlfriend. He was starting college after the summer. He didn't need anything this year, and yet his parents surprised him with a brand new car. He was as happy as can be. Still in the corner of his mind, however, was the gift he received from his father ten years ago. Later that year, when he was packing things up for college, he came across the box that read "Open me on your 80th birthday." Surely it would be okay enough to open now, wouldn't it?" Billy held the box in his hands for a good five minutes before deciding to pack it away without opening it.

Many years passed, and Billy, who was now going by Will, was turning 36. He got married, started a family and finally finished school, earning his PhD. Alas, his father passed away that same year. So it wasn't all good news. Will couldn't help but think about that box. He held onto it all these years. Still written on the box was "Open me on your 80th birthday." His father passed. He could open the box now, right?" In the end, he couldn't bring himself to do it. He wanted to respect his father's wishes.

Nearly 50 years passed, and Will had lived quite a life. After earning his doctorate, he began teaching at the same ivy league school here graduated from. His children grew up, followed in his footsteps and had kids of their own. He'd lived a long life. His wife, however, passed the previous year. And Will knew he wouldn't last much longer. His 80th birthday arrived. And even in his advanced age, he never forgot spot the box his father gave him decades ago. He kept it so long. Every birthday was a constant reminder. He wanted to know what was inside. But the very movement he grabbed the box, he became overwhelmed with excitement and suffered a heart attack before he could even open the box.

I bet you're thinking that's where the story ends, right? Well it isn't. Minutes later, the housekeeper found Will on the ground with the box in his hands. She was going to immediately call an ambulance, but here curiosity got the best of her. Written on the box was "Open me on your 80th birthday." She removed the lid from the box. Inside, bound but a paper clip, was eight $1 bills and a small note, which the housekeeper read aloud to herself.

"I knew you wouldn't be able to wait. Happy 8th birthday, Billy."

Rorschach humor

“Heard joke once: Man goes to the doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor...I am Pagliacci.”

Three clowns walk into a bar....

They walk in and order a drink. After a while they all head into the bathroom around the same time. 10-15 minutes pass by and the first clown walks out of the bathroom. The bartender says “What where you doing in there?” The clown goes “I was blowing bubbles”. Another 10-15 minutes go by and another clown walks out of the bathroom. Again the bartender asks “What where you doing in there?” The clown goes: “I was blowing bubbles”. After about 5 minutes, the third clown walks out of the bathroom. The bartender goes “Let me guess, you where blowing bubbles too?”

The clown goes “No, I’m Bubbles”.

A guy in a clown costume walks into a bar

The bartender looks at the man and says “why the costume?”

The guy looks at the bartender and says “Oh, this is my work uniform. A wealthy nobleman pays me to wear this costume all day because he finds it to be quite entertaining.”

The bartender scoffs and says “Surely you jest.”

My name's Mike Doe, and this is my story.

Hey, my name’s Mike Doe, and this is my story. I had a friend in college, my freshman roommate, who was always talking about his family. His name was Robert Gooding, and he must’ve had a family tree that started from Adam and Eve. Every single day he would drone on and on about some cousin or uncle or some such. He would always burst into the room saying things like, “Hey Mike! You’ll never guess Uncle Nate and Aunt Ridley are doing in Taiwan for the orphans this week!” I remember him talking about how Dimitri, his mother’s grandfather’s nephew’s son, which is apparently what second cousin once removed means, had resolved a tense hostage situation in Iran. And how cool Auntie Pauline (actually a distant cousin) was for working on top secret stuff with the CIA. I always tried to be patient with him and at least pretended to listen and nod at his stories. They never seemed to be about the same people. Sometimes he’d mention something that was actually funny or interesting too so it wasn’t always bad.

Good old rambling Robert. He picked up that nickname within a couple weeks of starting school--I don’t think he liked it much. He didn’t make many friends because he could never stop talking about his own family. Sometimes I think that I was the only one he could talk to who wouldn’t start running after five minutes. I’m not going to lie though. Back then I endeavored to be out of the room most of the day to avoid his ramblings. However no matter how late I came back, he was always up and ready to tell me something new about his family’s latest adventures.

There was this one time that was different though. On a day close to the end of our first semester together, he suddenly stopped his rambling and stared at me with a really serious expression. The abrupt lack of background noise startled me from the article I was reading while humoring him, and when I saw his face I thought he must have been angry with me for ignoring him. “You know Michael,” he started as I prepared my apology, “I really appreciate that you listen to my stories every day. I know it must be boring and annoying for you, but you listen anyway and I appreciate that. So I want to promise you something. Us Goodings, we don’t forget stuff like this. We take care of our friends. Just you wait, one day me and the whole family will find a way to thank you.” I shuddered at the thought of having to attend a graduation party with his entire family and hear about all their adventures first hand, but at that moment I realized that Robert was actually a pretty good guy.

Our year together came to an end, and the next year I was assigned a different roommate. Rambling Robert still sent me emails to keep me up to date with all his family happenings for a while, but even those stopped when he decided to transfer out to some college in Washington. I completed my degree in criminal psychology and went on to work as a detective for the DEA for a while. I had a great time there busting drug dealers and cleaning up the streets of my hometown, and my mom was so proud to have a real Officer Doe in the family. I was about 45 years old when they promoted me and had me relocated near the Mexican border to work on the drug traffic coming from the cartels. It was there that I finally met one of Robert’s infamous family members, Randall Gooding. He was my new supervisor, and when I showed up on the first day he greeted me like an old friend. He told me that he recognized my name and background from the stories Robert had told him, and he personally requested that I be sent down. I was surprised that Robert even talked about me, we had only known each other for a year, but it was nice to reminisce about the Goodings again. Randall was just as talkative as Robert was, and we hit it off almost immediately. It felt like I was in college again. His nickname around the office was Rambling Randy, which had me chuckling for at least a day. Robert, it turns out, was doing just fine. He was a doctor now somewhere in Texas, and I was happy that my old friend was able to make such a good life for himself.

Work was good for a few years until the cartel activity started to pick up dramatically. Nobody was sure why but we were suddenly inundated with arrests and busts and all kinds of paper work. Even Randy wasn’t as talkative around this time. It was all supposed to come to a head today. Today we were going to do a massive takedown on a processing plant operating just inside the border. Our undercover agent had uncovered it while posing for a different case so Randy and I took the lead while the rest of the office continued monitoring the other operation. We enlisted the FBI and local SWAT teams for help and I thought everything was going to go smoothly until I got kidnapped right out of the parking lot on my way out of the office last night.

From the time they ripped the rucksack bag off of my head till the first rays of daylight, they questioned me. They were careful. All of them had clown masks on, the hard plastic kind that never quite fit the face right. All of them were wearing gloves and carrying weapons--some had guns, some had various wicked modifications of baseball bats and crowbars. The night was rough. They wanted to know how we found out about them, who we were working with, when the operation was going to go down, and a whole host of other questions. I was patient and waited. I gave them no information and suffered a few broken ribs and some teeth for it. While they were questioning me, I took in my surroundings. I knew from the floor plans I had studied for the bust that I was in the processing plant, specifically in one of the raised offices at the end of the building. I could see the entire plant from the large window on the wall in front of me. I guessed that they did not know about our plans yet, so I contented myself to sit tight and wait for the bust to happen at 10AM.

However, it was around 6AM when I heard the sirens blaring in the distance. Maybe they stepped up the schedule when they found out I was kidnapped, I thought. My captors were awake in an instant and took up the preplanned positions we had predicted. One of the guys carrying what looked like an M16 came cursing into the office where I was being held. After cracking me in the face with the butt of the gun, I felt more than heard him raise the muzzle level with the back of my head. Soon I heard an unfamiliar voice yell over a megaphone giving the normal spiel about being surrounded and to give up. Of course they refused to give up and began to use me as a bargaining chip. Randy’s voice came over the megaphone just before the first officer continued the negotiation, “Mikey! Just wait Mikey! Hang tight and don’t do anything stupid.”

The standoff lasted for hours. If it weren’t for the gun pressed on the nape of my neck, I would have probably passed out from boredom. Eventually things got real quiet. My guard started getting antsy and walked out--probably to check for new orders with his superiors. As soon as he left the room, a hundred glass windows shattered breaking the silence and raining shards of glass down on the main factory floor. White smoke obscured the first floor as tear gas flooded the facility. Shouting and gunfire followed as my captors opened fire. Amid the confusion and smoke I couldn’t tell who was winning. I did hear Randy’s voice at one point yelling orders like, “Dimitri, take the stairs and give Pauline some cover.” None of the officers who were supposed to be with us today were named Dimitri or Pauline. The din began to wither after only a few minutes and unseen officers began yelling, “Clear!” As the smoke dissipated, I expected to see the body armor and face masks of the SWAT teams who were supposed to be part of today’s operation. Instead I saw lots of men and a few women I had never seen before in various uniforms. Some were in army uniforms others were in suits, and there were even a few in civilian clothes. God, did they call the Army and CIA in on this? When Randy saw me, he came running up with one of the suited men who was carrying a bag.

“Mike! Thank God you’re still alive. I’m sorry we made you wait so long, but we had to wait for all the flights to make it before we could move.”

“What? What flights? Randy, what are you talking about?”

“We found out you were kidnapped at about midnight. The team that we were going to use wasn’t trained for hostage situations so I had to improvise. I made some calls around and got as many as I could to come down here. Good thing Nate here happened to have hostage experience. Nobody asked any questions after I brought your name up, we all know you thanks to Robert here.” He motioned at the suited man who was leaning in to assess me.

I frowned at the man and suddenly realized that his bag contained medical supplies. “Robert?” I choked the question out in disbelief. He just gave me a small smile while he continued his work. “You mean to tell me that all of these guys… They’re all your family?”

Robert looked up from where he was examining my jaw with a wry smile, “I told you we don’t forget Mike. All the Goodings come to Doe’s who wait. ”

2 vultures are sitting on a cactus in the desert

There are 2 vultures who live in the desert and are very good friends. One day they see a man wandering the desert alone, and perceive that his car stalled and ran out of gas a mile back. This man, as it turns out is a clown, and wears a red nose and a colourful wig.

So these vultures start circling him (as vultures do) as they are quite sure he's a goner, nowhere close to civilization.
The next day, the clown is quite tired and starts to become exhausted. The vultures notice and are actually surprised that the clown is still alive.

On the third day, the clown lets out a final cry of defeat, faints, and dies. By this time the vultures are excited that they finally get a meal, and fly down to feast on the remains.

The vultures take one bite, and one recoils back in shock and says to the other vulture:

"Does this taste funny to you?"

I heard a joke once

Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain.

Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up."






Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor...I am Pagliacci."

-Rorschach's journal 1985

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