Hilarious Army Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Army Jokes

A boy and his dad are talking. "Hey Dad."

"Yes son?"

"Did you ever get shot in the army?"

He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies;

"No, but I was shot in the leggy."

Score: 13543

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Why is the army so strict about their uniforms? To minimize casual tees...

Score: 7415

King: How many volunteers do we have for my evil army? Squire: 384 my liege

king: Ok, round them up

Squire: 400 my liege

Score: 1856

In the army, you have to pay $85 if you lose your rifle. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

Score: 1394

What cheat code do you use to get into the Army? Left, left, left, right, left

Score: 890

A boy asks his dad about his past. "Hey Dad."

"Yes son?"

"Did you ever get shot in the army?"

He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies:

"No, but I was shot in the leggy."

Score: 821

Why does the French Army install Rear-view mirrors in their Tanks? So that they can see the battle.

Score: 681

Why did the Mexican Army only bring 5000 soldiers to the Alamo? They only had 2 vans

Score: 593

"How many volunteers do we have for the army?" "384 sir"

"okay round them up"

"400 sir"

Score: 376

What do you call an army of babies? Infantry

Score: 291

When I was in the army, I broke my rifle and had to pay 600$. I guess that’s why the captain always goes down with the ship.

Score: 287

Why did the Mexican army attack the Alamo with only 2000 soldiers? they only had one pickup

Score: 274

When I lost my pistol, the Army charged me $125. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

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When I was in the army, I lost my rifle and had to pay $865 for a new one Now I’m starting to understand why navy captains always go down with their ship

Score: 216

What do you call an army of babies? An infantry.

Score: 195

If you ask my son why he joined the Army he will proudly tell you he joined to military to kill people. He's a terrible doctor.

Score: 188

Why is the army so strict on uniforms? To minimize casual tees

Score: 163

What do you call 1000 soldiers with no legs? An army.

Score: 162

A king is building an army King: how many volunteers do we have for the army?

Squire: 384 my liege

King: ok, round them up

Squire: 400 my liege

Score: 125

I saw the army of Lichtenstein the other day. He was a really nice guy.

Score: 111

Why doesn't the army have anyone named Will? They were all fired at.

Score: 106

What's the best way to serve Turkey? Join the Turkish Army.

Score: 95

When I got depressed, I joined the Army. I didn't have any experience or motivation, I just wanted a soldier to cry on.

Score: 90

Why does no one like the swiss army? Because they are all a bunch of tools.

Score: 84

What's the difference between an Iraqi school and an Iraqi Army base? One poses a significant potential threat to ISIS and its continued existence.

The other is an Iraqi Army base.

Score: 78

I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss. I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.

Score: 75

What do you call a army of disabled people? Special forces

Score: 73

A Bitter Army Veteran storms into a classroom and shouts "If it weren't for me you'd all be speaking German!" "That's right" replies the German teacher.

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There was a father and son.. The father is a war veteran. He also has a prosthetic leg. One day, his son asks..

"Dad, did you ever get shot in the army?"

The father responds, "No, I got shot in the leggy"

Score: 67

Why did the army sergeant only accept fat recruits into his squad? He wanted to say he had large privates.

Score: 65

Where does the army keep fish? In a tank.

Score: 21

My army buddy was jerking off one night. He was discharged by dawn.

Score: 19

What do you call an army of toddlers? Infantry.

Score: 19

So the French army has recently installed rearview mirrors to their tanks. That way, they can watch the fighting!

Score: 18

What do you call an army of toddlers? Infant-ry.

*insert cringe here*

Score: 11

After I left my farm to join the army, I learned that my wife bought a new tractor to replace my labor. She wrote me a "John Deere" letter.

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There is a sale on antique French army rifles. The slogan is "Never fired. Only dropped once."

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Who's the most musical snake in the army? Major scales.

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My cousin, who's a karate expert, joined the Army. First time he saluted he nearly killed himself.

Score: 4

New Army Jokes

I was in the army, but they sent me to the jail after serving in the war.... Because when my lieutenant said " fire in the hole", I actually did it for him.

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Trump goes to the bar I want a private army !!

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How do you call a woman with a knife in one, a saw in the other and corkscrew and screwdriver as feet? A Swiss army wife.

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Why is being in the army like a blow-job? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel

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What kind of combat training do the recruits in the Israeli army receive? Jew-Jitsu.

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Dad's army was sent to China to help fight the Coronavirus... ...Don't panic Mr mandarin!

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What part of the army do babies join? The infantry.

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What is the difference between a utero-rectal fistula and a train load of army backpacks? One is a shunt full of kit.

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I took an Israeli Army Style training course a couple of years ago. Now I know how to kick a Palestinian woman 16 different ways in the back.

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Why was the baker the best soldier in the army? Cuz he went in buns blazing

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What do you call a doctor who treats army dogs? A veteran-arian.

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Where do the senior army officials buy stuff? A: The General store Why are the young recruits sexually active? A: They have Private parts

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What do you call a large group of people waiting to be seated at a restaurant who are so hungry they can almost taste the food? The Salavation Army

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How many friends would a US soilder have in his class if he never joined the army? None, his entire school was a school shooting victim except for him.

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Have you heard of the karate black belt that went on to serve the army? He gave himself a head injury the first time he saluted.

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What's the first thing they learn in the French army? To say "I surrender!", in German.

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Why does Paris have so many beautiful tree lined boulevards? So the German army can march in the shade.

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What do you call a pregnant women in the army? Care package

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What was the relation between Stalin and his army? They were Russian but he was Stalin.

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Trump just announced that Trans-Genders can't serve in the Army.... ...That's what the Marines are for

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If you're in the army and your commanding officer comes up to you when you're near your camping equipment, what do you do? Kill yourself.

Or, y'know, stand at atTENTion.

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Do you know what is 100,000 French men standing with their hands up? French Army.

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Confucious say Man walking down the street carrying a 5-disc CD changer... …is either walking to or from the Salvation Army.

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In America, the army has read lots of news... In Soviet Russia, the news has lots of Red Army.

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What do you call a pair of ex-army sibling beggars? Brothers in alms.

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