Amish Jokes

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Funniest Amish Jokes

Funny Amish Jokes

What do you call a Amish man with his arm up a horses arse A mechanic

Why don't Amish people water ski? Because their horses would drown.

You hear about the Amish prostitute? She slept with 10 Mennonite

I had a one night stand with an Amish guy the other week... He never called me back.

How many Amish people does it take to change a lightbulb? A what?

I like sleeping with amish women that way i don't have to call the next day

What goes clop-clop,bang-bang,clop-clop? Amish drive-by.

What goes "Clop clop clop, bang bang bang, clop clop clop"? An Amish drive-by shooting.

What goes "Clippity Clop Bang Bang, Clippity Clop Bang Bang"? An Amish drive by shooting

What goes clop, clop, bang bang bangbangbang!clop,clop,clop? An amish driveby

What goes, "Clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop BANG BANG clip clop clip clop clip clop..." ? An Amish drive-by shooting.

I just made a scathing video mocking the Amish I can't wait till they see it

What does it take to please an Amish woman? Two Mennonite.

What goes "Clip clop, clip clop, clip clop, clip clop, BANG, clip clop, clip clop"? Amish drive by shooting.

What goes CLOP CLOP CLOP, BANG BANG, CLOP CLOP CLOP? An Amish drive-by shooting

What do you call an Amish guy with his
hand up a horse’s arse? A mechanic.

Did you hear about the Amish flu? First you get a little hoarse, then you get a little buggy.

I went to a crazy Amish strip club. It was bonnetless.

Did you hear about the married Amish woman having an affair? She loved two Mennonite.

Q: What do the Amish call a jar full of honeybees? A: A vibrator.

My parents said I don’t have to come home until the street lights come on but we live in an Amish neighborhood so I think they just don’t love me

Amish Hooker What's an Amish Hooker do?

Ten Mennonite!

(Mennonite link on the front page made me think of this one.)

edit: I accidentally a ")", but I'm getting a kick out of the weird comments. :-)

Why did the Amish woman get pregnant? Because she was seeing too many Mennonite.

How do you make an Amish woman happy? 3 Mennonite.

clip clop clip clop clip clop BANG clip clop clip clop Amish drive-by shooting.

Where do you take an amish kid for their birthday party? Build-A-Barn

What are Amish children called? Omelettes.

How many men does it take to get an Amish woman pregnant? Two men a nite.

I have a fetish for Amish women. Best part about it?

They don’t expect you to call the next day!

What makes the sound 'Clip clop bang clip clop'? An Amish drive-by

Had to dump my Amish girlfriend.... she drove me buggy.

An Amish joke for you... **Q.** What goes clip-clop, clip-clop, silence....?

​

>!A. A drive-by shunning!<.

Why was the Amish woman kicked out of her colony? She slept with two Mennonite.

How many men does it take to satisfy an Amish woman? Two Mennonite

Why was the Amish girl ex-communicated? Too mennonite.

Why are Jews and the Amish so similar? Neither like cooking with gas.

Amish jokes Have you heard about the promiscuous Amish lady?
She had two Mennonite

I had the Amish flu last week. At first I got a little horse. Then I got a little buggy... but yesterday I got butter

What do you call a group of Amish witches? A Dutch coven.

The Amish Space Program is at a stalemate Jebediah and the boys just cannot figure out how to get the horses to go vertical.

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New Amish Jokes

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand down a horse's throat? A mechanic.

What goes klop, klop, bang? An Amish drive by shooting.

What goes clip clop clip clop bang bang bang clip clop clip clop An Amish drive by shooting

With all the ongoing news about Corona has anyone let the Amish know what's going on yet?

What goes clippity-clop bang, clippity-clop bang, clippity-clop bang? An Amish drive by.

A tourist and an Amish guy are riding in a buggy together. The tourist asks: "What's it like not having the internet?"

&#x200B;

The Amish guy: "It's alright. I just get photos of your mom through the mail."

BREAKING: According to the 2020 Census... ...there are 0 Amish remaining in the entire U.S.

Have you heard about the possible outbreak of the Coronavirus in the Amish community? It was a false alarm, No fever, but people did get a little hoarse and buggy.

Why can’t you drive through an Amish neighborhood? No Outlets.

What Goes: "Clippity-clop, clippity-clop, clippity-clop, BANG! Clippity-clop, clippity-clop?" An Amish drive-by.

(Shooting)

I went to a topless Amish bar last night. No bonnets.

What do you call a guy elbow deep in a horse? An Amish mechanic

Why was the Amish girl excommunicated? Two Mennonite

-Christopher Hitchins

Whats an amish person's favorite kind of raisin? A barn raisin.

What is an Amish woman’s biggest fantasy? Two Mennonite.



(This joke is literally a hundred years old and makes me chuckle every time I get to tell it. Probably a repost. Don’t care.)

What did the amish dude say to his jewish friend after not seeing him in a long time? Amishjew bro

What goes clip clop clip clop bang bang An Amish driveby

There's been a recent surge in the number of male crossdressers in the Amish community. Be careful. Women you might see during the day, may actually be mennonite.

Did you hear about the Amish girl who was excommunicated? Too Mennonite.

Why was the Amish girl excommunicated? Two men a night

What makes the sound clippity clop bang clippity clop bang? An Amish drive-by shooting

What do you call an Amish woman who just cheated on her husband? Poly-Esther. (Please don’t kill me I’m stupid.)

Why don’t the Amish shave their beards? They don’t want raze-a-barn

What do all Amish women want? 2 men a night

What do you call a guy standing off the side of the road, with his arm up a horses butt? An Amish Mechanic.

Why was the Amish woman shunned? Too Mennonite

Did you hear about the Amish hookers? They sleep with three Mennonite.

What goes clippity clop clippity clop clippity clop bang bang clippity clop An Amish Drive By

What goes “Clop Clop, Bang, Clop Clop”? An Amish Drive By

Amish Joy candy bars: cuz sometimes you feel like a nut.... And sometimes you feel like raising a barn.

What did the Amish husband say to his wife when she got back from working out on the farm all day? Amish you.

What do you call an amish veterinarian? A mechanic.

Why don't amish people use electricity? If they had lights they would never sleep with each other

What do you call an Amish man with his arm up a horse's butt? A mechanic

What did one Amish guy say to another Amish guy? Oh man, Amished you so much!

What do Amish people call their kids? Omelettes.

I spent the night at an Amish hotel, and to avoid oversleeping I had then send me a wake\-up letter for 7 am.

Why did the Amish woman file for divorce? Her husband was driving her buggy

What do a hockey player and an Amish woman have in common? They both shower after the third period.

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horses mouth? A mechanic

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Long Amish Jokes

An Amish girl and her mother were visiting a mall and they were especially amazed by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again with a room inside.

The girl asked, “Mother, what is this?”

The mother, never having seen an elevator, responded, “I have not idea."

While the girl and her mother watched with amazement, an old man in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

After he got in, the walls closed and the numbers counted up and then down. The walls opened up again and a hunky young man stepped out.

The mother, not taking her eyes off the young man, said quietly to her daughter, “Go get your father.”

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this, Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number. and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

'Go get your Mother.'

When an Amish sees an elevator for the first time...

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in the new mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

A fifteen year old Amish boy and.....

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...
"Go get your Mother."

An Amish joke.

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady limping slightly with a cane slowly walks up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walks between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

An Amish boy and his Dad . . .

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son . . .

'Go get your Mother'

An Amish boy and his father are visiting a nearby mall. They are amazed by almost everything they see, but especially by two shiny silver walls that move apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asks, “What is this, father?”

&#x200B;

The father, having never seen an elevator, responds, “I have no idea what it is.”

&#x200B;

While the boy and his father are watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to the moving walls and presses a button. The walls open and the lady rolls between them into a small room. The walls close and the boy and his father watch as small circles light up above the walls. The walls open up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman steps out. The father looks at his son excitedly and says, “Go get your mother.”

Amish boy and his father were in a mall...

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son . . .
'Go get your Mother'

Walls of youth

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father took an outing to a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father responded, 'Son,I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,a fat old lady in a motorized cart moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. The doors opened and a young blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother'

An Amish boy and his father

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two, shiny silver walls that could
move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never
seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The
walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse
order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old
blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...
"Go get your Mother."

An Amish girl and her mother were visiting a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The girl asked, “Mother, what is this?”

The mother, never having seen an elevator, responded, “I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don’t know what it is.”

While the girl and her mother watched with amazement, an old man in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the man rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the girl and her mother watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until the last number was reached, and they watched some more as the numbers began to light in reverse order.

The walls opened up again and a hunky young man stepped out.

The mother, not taking her eyes off the young man, said quietly to her daughter, “Go get your father.”

An Amish Woman

Amish woman(riding a horse and buggy) gets pulled over because reflector on her buggy is broken.. cop says, “you might want to have your husband look at your reflector” He notices a rope wrapped around the horse’s balls…”and ma’am, some folks might find that rope offensive”. The lady later makes it home and tells her husband about the event. “cop says the reflector is busted… and he didn't like the emergency brake neither”

The Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is"

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son....."Go get your mother."

An Amish boy and his father went to a mall...

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a rather heavy, not too attractive, older lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a beautiful, young woman stepped out.

The father, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother".

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in the new mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.


The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"


The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."


While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.


They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.


Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old woman stepped out.


The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,


"Go get your mother."

An Amish family visits a mall...

...the mother strolls along an aisle and experience modern life. The dad and the son, however, encounters an elevator.
"What is that, father?", the son asked.
"I don't know either, my son", replied the father, "Let's see what they use it for".
They then see an ugly, fat woman trudge into the elevator. The door shuts, and after a few minutes, a pretty lady walks out alone.
The father then said: "Go get your mother".

Amish elevator.

An Amish man and his son walk into a hotel and were amazed by all the sights and sounds of the hotel. What interested the Amish man the most were the doors that had a bright sheen on them.

He turns to his son and says "Son these are some of the most amazing doors I have ever seen." At this time a woman approximately 400 pounds and as ugly as a mule went into the doors. After a few minutes the doors opened again and a beautiful woman of twenty-four and an hour glass figure came out of the door.

The Amish man grabs his sons arm and says "Son, go get your mother!"

The Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, especially two shiny walls that could move apart, and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady, limping slightly, and with a cane, slowly walks up to the moving walls, and presses a button. The walls opened, and the lady walks between them, into a small room. The walls closed.

The boy and his father watched as small circles of lights with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up, in reverse direction now. The walls opened up again, and a beautiful young blonde stepped out.

The father said to his son, "GO GET YOUR MOTHER!!!"

The Amish woman and the Pennsylvania State Trooper

An Amish woman is in her horse and buggy heading back home when a state trooper pulls her over. The trooper walks up to the door of the buggy and the woman says "Good afternoon, young man. What seems to be the problem?"

The trooper says, ma'am, I pulled you over because you were speeding........

.......I'm just kidding."

The two chuckled a bit before he continued to say "Actually, I pulled you over because there's strap around your horse's... genitalia. It looks like it's a bit painful, and I wasn't sure if you knew it was there."

The woman replies "Oh dear... well my husband is the one that rigs the horses. I just clean them, and throw the horse over the fence some hay. But as soon as I get home, I'll be sure to tell him."

The officer ended with "Please do as soon as you can. Have a nice day."

The woman gets home and says "Pa?"

Her husband yells down "Yes, ma?"

To which she replied "A nice, young state trooper pulled me over today, and said there's something wrong with the brakes."

-Thanks to the late, late Tom Snyder for this joke

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