My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men.
So I told her to sit down and shut up.
She couldn't do either!
My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what... She couldn't do either!
A man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey? Pack your bags, I won the lottery!" The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says, "I don't care, just get out!"
GUESS WHAT I SAW! Wood.
In honor of the Powerball A man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey? Pack your bags, I won the lottery!" The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says, "I don't care, just get out!"
Young Actor: "Dad, guess what? I've just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man who's been married for 30 years." Father: "Well, keep at it, son. Maybe one day you'll get a speaking part."
A man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey?! Pack for vacation, I won the lottery!"
The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?"
He says, "I don't care, just get out!"
**Young Actor:** "Dad, guess what? I've just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man who's been married for 30 years."
**Father:** "Well, keep at it, son. Maybe one day you'll get a speaking part."
My dad told me that I would only be successful when pigs fly. WELL GUESS WHAT DAD?! Swine Flu.
My girlfriend stepped on the scales recently and asked me to guess what they said.
I said "One at a time please"?
She was not amused.
If being sexually active reduces the chance of developing prostate cancer, guess what I am doing tonight? Developing cancer.
A guy walks up to a girl in the bar with his fist closed and says........I will go down on you if you can guess what I have in my hand.
The girl says........The empire state building.
The guy says..........That's close enough.
I asked my amputee daughter if she could guess what we were having for dinner tonight. She replied with "I don't know dad I'm stumped"
My ex-wife recently passed away. Guess what she got on her gravestone? My urine.
Guess What? Chicken Butt.
I'm a guy who's into Star Wars, Star Trek and Doctor Who. Can you guess what I'm not into right now? A woman.
The military just came to my door saying I was getting drafted, guess what I did Iran
My girlfriend got the coronavirus so I broke up with her. 2 weeks later, she’s seeing a new guy now and apparently he just tested positive. Be careful out there everyone, I guess what they say is true. Ex gon give it to ya
Guess what my Valentine gave me? Carpal Tunnel...
My friend's WoW character couldn't go forward anymore. You'll never guess what he said !? " wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww"
With a wheelchair, everyday is Halloween!
Children are scared of you, adults try to guess what you are, and the elderly just give you candy!
Paraphrased from the wonderful Zach Anner
A little boy says to his sister: "Guess what sis, I have two Blow Pops!" Sister: "Oh thank God, that means he won't make me do it tonight."
I asked my amputee daughter if she could guess what we’re having for dinner tonight She replied “i don’t know Dad, Im stumped”
I stopped going to gym and guess what I got. A trophy
Father: Hey son, guess what, you're ADOPTED.
Son: WOAH! I wonder who my real father is?
Father: It's me, your new father is on his way
Some people play the sexist card. Some people play the racist card. Guess what my wife plays? My credit card.
Little Mary had no arms
Guess what she got for her birthday
A pair of gloves
Nah, just kidding, she's still trying to open the box
Definitely not Little Mary
When Thanos snapped half of all life out of existence
I noticed, that no plants nor animals vanished.
Guess what he really meant was: Intelligent life.
I'm so glad my family is save.
When she was young, people laughed at Amy Schumer when she said she wanted to be a comedian. Guess what, no one is laughing now.
China has a great wall..... and guess what? No Mexicans!
Guess what?! CHICKEN BUTT haha you fool
Just got my Cosmetology degree in six months!!! This was easy a pi and guess what here I am. Neil Degrasse Tyson you better watch out there's a new cosmetologist in town.
Guess what I did today.... i 2^3 Σ π
A man walked by a stand giving away free samples of fruit punch. He saw that the line was too long so he came back an hour later and guess what he saw! There’s no punchline
Son: Dad! Guess What! I lost my virginity!
Dad: Great job son, have a seat next to me.
Son: I'd rather stand, it still hurts to sit down.
My wife said, don't worry "I'm just windowshopping" while on zalando, amazon and aliexpress. Guess what I said when she caught me browsing Tinder?
Karen: You'll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Dave: A 3-way with your sister?
Karen: \*storms out
Dave: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Guess what fraternity my racist friend joined Tri Kappa
Guess what I'm going to do if I get Alzheimer's? Guess what I'm going to do if I get Alzheimer's?
A mouse was eating my food and when i saw, it was acting dead.
Guess what? it doesn't have to act anymore.
And I have to waste more cyanide because I'm allergic to mouse.
I needed the best/worst password possible that was 8 characters long. Guess what I picked...
**"I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."**
Sorry I was *short* on time for this one!
Guess what? I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
"Hey, guess what!"
Guess what is the only test I can get A+ Blood test
The military knocked on my door this morning. Guess what I did? Iran.
Mars and NASA we’re having a conversation
Mars: Come here
NASA: No way, you’re 33.9 million miles away
Mars: Guess what? I’m wet!
NASA: Stay put. We’ll be right over
Guess what the name of my new computer processor is. Chip
Guess what I found in the creepy old professors closet Narnia business
Guess What Happened To Hillary Clintons Emails! \[Removed\]
Guess what type on bees makes milk? Boobies
Guess what Johnny English found when he collected a pod in the snow... Moist Bean!
My grandfather had Alzheimer’s, you’ll never guess what he told me! My grandfather had Alzheimer’s, you’ll never guess what he told me!
Me: Guess what?
Me: Good guess
They trained monkeys to do gymnastics. Guess what they gave them as a reward? Banana splits
I know every joke there is! I'll guess what joke was made on your birthday! you.
Global warming is causing the Mobster Ocean to shink. Guess what they are reclassifying it to. Yeah sea.
My friend told me this...
He said: Guess what?
I said: What
He replies: You know how heat expands things
I reply: Yeah
He then says: I'm not fat, I'm hot
If Daenerys from Game of Thrones married Khal Moro instead of Khal Drogo, guess what she would've named her biggest dragon? Moron.
I ordered a sandwich at my local foodcourt today and I ran into my favorite celebrity. Turns out they were vegetarian because they looked at me and scoffed. I guess what they say is true... Never meat your heros.
My grandpa just kicked the bucket
1: Can you guess what my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket
2. I'm so sorry! What were his last words?
1: "How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
Guess what the difference is between EA and my wife? My wife didn’t leave me after I bought her
I was caught stealing a pizza, guess what they read me. My marinara rights.
I guess what happened to Gamora in Infinity War was definitely not a cliffhanger
They say drinking milk makes you stronger...
So I drank a carton of milk, and then I tried to push my fridge and it didn’t even budge.
Frustrated, I decided to drink a bottle of vodka, and guess what happened?
The fridge moved itself
Do you think a Stegosaurus can accurately guess what era it belongs to? You bet jurassic-an.
Guess what is better than being blind? Not using your time debating on what is better.
Guess what? I don’t like guessing games.
How long can a sperm whale hold its breath?
Guess what a breath whale can do?
You will never guess what I found in my attic bathroom... The diarrhea of Anne Frank
Guess what the rocks cooking Pancakes but don't take it for granite
It's been recently discovered that some police officers absolutely love living in all-white housing developments, while others absolutely hate it -- for the EXACT SAME reason. Can you guess what it is? YOU CAN'T BEAT THE NEIGHBORS!!
I bet I can guess what level of education you have from this simple quiz! Question 1) What was the last grade you completed?
A joke I adore despite it being completely telegraphed. My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men STOP So I told her to sit down and shut up STOP Guess what... She couldn't do either STOP
I have a famous turtle. Guess what it's called? Shellebrity.
a pervert calls a retirement home
an old lady picks up.
he starts directly "hey granny guess what i am holding in my hand ? "
granny replies " oh if it fits in one hand only then i am not interested "
My Wife is coming home after a week long trip! Guess what i'm getting tonight?!... Yelled at...I'm getting Yelled at!
Guess what is the perfect time to sneeze... At-CHOO O'clock....
Did you hear about the goblin whose left arm and left leg cut off? Guess what he's alright now!
A blonde says to another:
Guess what? I solved a puzzle this morning. The other girl says: so what? What's the big deal?
"Well, I solved it in half an hour when the instructions manual clearly stated '3-5 years".
A cowboy goes to the barber. When the barber is done cutting his hair, the cowboy goes back outside. And guess what? Pony gone.
Guess what Bruce Jenner doesn't want to hear and see anymore? "Deez Nutz"
Guess what? Good guess
Muhammad walks up to the Buddha and says "Guess what a mosque and 9 year old have in common." I've been in both.
More Pirate Jokes
Me and my one legged pirate friend went out to dinner last night. You know where we went?
Afterwards we went to go see a movie, guess what it's rated.
you know why its rated R?
Because of all the booty!
Guess what New york is going as for Halloween? New Orleans!