Guess What Jokes

My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up.

Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

A man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey? Pack your bags, I won the lottery!" The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says, "I don't care, just get out!"

GUESS WHAT I SAW! Wood.

Young Actor: "Dad, guess what? I've just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man who's been married for 30 years." Father: "Well, keep at it, son. Maybe one day you'll get a speaking part."

A man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey?! Pack for vacation, I won the lottery!" The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?"

He says, "I don't care, just get out!"

My girlfriend stepped on the scales recently and asked me to guess what they said. I said "One at a time please"?

She was not amused.

A guy walks up to a girl in the bar with his fist closed and says........I will go down on you if you can guess what I have in my hand. The girl says........The empire state building.

The guy says..........That's close enough.

If being sexually active reduces the chance of developing prostate cancer, guess what I am doing tonight? Developing cancer.

I asked my amputee daughter if she could guess what we were having for dinner tonight. She replied with "I don't know dad I'm stumped"

Guess What? Chicken Butt.

My ex-wife recently passed away. Guess what she got on her gravestone? My urine.

"Guess What?" "What?"

"Good Guess"

I'm a guy who's into Star Wars, Star Trek and Doctor Who. Can you guess what I'm not into right now? A woman.

Guess what my Valentine gave me? Carpal Tunnel...

My friend's WoW character couldn't go forward anymore. You'll never guess what he said !? " wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww"

I asked my amputee daughter if she could guess what we’re having for dinner tonight She replied “i don’t know Dad, Im stumped”

I stopped going to gym and guess what I got. A trophy

The military just came to my door saying I was getting drafted, guess what I did Iran

Some people play the sexist card. Some people play the racist card. Guess what my wife plays? My credit card.

When she was young, people laughed at Amy Schumer when she said she wanted to be a comedian. Guess what, no one is laughing now.

Guess what I did today.... i 2^3 Σ π

Karen: You'll never guess what I got you for your birthday. Dave: A 3-way with your sister?

Karen: \*storms out

Dave: omg did I ruin the surprise?

Muhammad walks up to the Buddha and says "Guess what a mosque and 9 year old have in common." I've been in both.

Guess what I'm going to do if I get Alzheimer's? Guess what I'm going to do if I get Alzheimer's?

Guess what fraternity my racist friend joined Tri Kappa

I just got a wooden motorcycle. It has a wooden frame, wooden handle bars, wooden wheels, and a wooden seat. Guess what? It wooden start.

a pervert calls a retirement home an old lady picks up.

he starts directly "hey granny guess what i am holding in my hand ? "
granny replies " oh if it fits in one hand only then i am not interested "

My Wife is coming home after a week long trip! Guess what i'm getting tonight?!... Yelled at...I'm getting Yelled at!

I have a famous turtle. Guess what it's called? Shellebrity.

Do you think a Stegosaurus can accurately guess what era it belongs to? You bet jurassic-an.

Guess what the difference is between EA and my wife? My wife didn’t leave me after I bought her

If Daenerys from Game of Thrones married Khal Moro instead of Khal Drogo, guess what she would've named her biggest dragon? Moron.

Mars and NASA we’re having a conversation Mars: Come here

NASA: No way, you’re 33.9 million miles away

Mars: Guess what? I’m wet!

NASA: Stay put. We’ll be right over

A blonde says to another: Guess what? I solved a puzzle this morning. The other girl says: so what? What's the big deal?
"Well, I solved it in half an hour when the instructions manual clearly stated '3-5 years".

A joke I adore despite it being completely telegraphed. My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men STOP So I told her to sit down and shut up STOP Guess what... She couldn't do either STOP

My grandfather had Alzheimer’s, you’ll never guess what he told me! My grandfather had Alzheimer’s, you’ll never guess what he told me!

Guess What Happened To Hillary Clintons Emails! \[Removed\]

The military knocked on my door this morning. Guess what I did? Iran.

Did you hear about the goblin whose left arm and left leg cut off? Guess what he's alright now!