A man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey? Pack your bags, I won the lottery!" The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says, "I don't care, just get out!"
GUESS WHAT I SAW! Wood.
Young Actor: "Dad, guess what? I've just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man who's been married for 30 years." Father: "Well, keep at it, son. Maybe one day you'll get a speaking part."
A man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey?! Pack for vacation, I won the lottery!"
The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?"
He says, "I don't care, just get out!"
My girlfriend stepped on the scales recently and asked me to guess what they said.
I said "One at a time please"?
She was not amused.
A guy walks up to a girl in the bar with his fist closed and says........I will go down on you if you can guess what I have in my hand.
The girl says........The empire state building.
The guy says..........That's close enough.
If being sexually active reduces the chance of developing prostate cancer, guess what I am doing tonight? Developing cancer.
I asked my amputee daughter if she could guess what we were having for dinner tonight. She replied with "I don't know dad I'm stumped"
Guess What? Chicken Butt.
My ex-wife recently passed away. Guess what she got on her gravestone? My urine.
I'm a guy who's into Star Wars, Star Trek and Doctor Who. Can you guess what I'm not into right now? A woman.
Guess what my Valentine gave me? Carpal Tunnel...
My friend's WoW character couldn't go forward anymore. You'll never guess what he said !? " wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww"
I asked my amputee daughter if she could guess what we’re having for dinner tonight She replied “i don’t know Dad, Im stumped”
I stopped going to gym and guess what I got. A trophy
The military just came to my door saying I was getting drafted, guess what I did Iran
Some people play the sexist card. Some people play the racist card. Guess what my wife plays? My credit card.
Just got my Cosmetology degree in six months!!! This was easy a pi and guess what here I am. Neil Degrasse Tyson you better watch out there's a new cosmetologist in town.
Guess what I did today.... i 2^3 Σ π
Karen: You'll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Dave: A 3-way with your sister?
Karen: \*storms out
Dave: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Guess what fraternity my racist friend joined Tri Kappa
Muhammad walks up to the Buddha and says "Guess what a mosque and 9 year old have in common." I've been in both.
Guess what I'm going to do if I get Alzheimer's? Guess what I'm going to do if I get Alzheimer's?
I just got a wooden motorcycle. It has a wooden frame, wooden handle bars, wooden wheels, and a wooden seat. Guess what? It wooden start.
My Wife is coming home after a week long trip! Guess what i'm getting tonight?!... Yelled at...I'm getting Yelled at!
I have a famous turtle. Guess what it's called? Shellebrity.
Do you think a Stegosaurus can accurately guess what era it belongs to? You bet jurassic-an.
Guess what the difference is between EA and my wife? My wife didn’t leave me after I bought her
If Daenerys from Game of Thrones married Khal Moro instead of Khal Drogo, guess what she would've named her biggest dragon? Moron.
A cowboy goes to the barber. When the barber is done cutting his hair, the cowboy goes back outside. And guess what? Pony gone.
Mars and NASA we’re having a conversation
Mars: Come here
NASA: No way, you’re 33.9 million miles away
Mars: Guess what? I’m wet!
NASA: Stay put. We’ll be right over
Guess what is the perfect time to sneeze... At-CHOO O'clock....
My grandfather had Alzheimer’s, you’ll never guess what he told me! My grandfather had Alzheimer’s, you’ll never guess what he told me!
Guess What Happened To Hillary Clintons Emails! \[Removed\]
The military knocked on my door this morning. Guess what I did? Iran.
I was caught stealing a pizza, guess what they read me. My marinara rights.
Global warming is causing the Mobster Ocean to shink. Guess what they are reclassifying it to. Yeah sea.
I know every joke there is! I'll guess what joke was made on your birthday! you.