Canada Jokes

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Funniest Canada Jokes

One day, Canada will become a superpower and take over the whole world Then you'll all be sorry

What do Mexico and Canada have in common? They both border on stupidity.

Funny Canada Jokes

One day Canada will rule the world Then you'll all be sorry

One day Canada will take over the world. Then we'll all be sorry.

Canada could have had it all: American industry, British Culture, and French Cuisine. Instead, they got: French Industry, American culture, and British cuisine

What borders stupidity? Canada and Mexico.

3:15pm So the hockey season got cancelled in Canada because of the coronavirus 6:30pm Canada is now testing the vaccine for coronavirus

50% of Canada Is the letter A

My grandfather survived both the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings Being in Canada helped.

I just found out Canada isn’t real Turns out it was all just mapleleaf

Your favorite drink must be ginger ale..... cause you leave every girl in Canada Dry.

What do Saudi Arabia and Canada have in common? In both countries, it's legal to get stoned.

People are always saying Americans are fat, violent, and above all else, stupid But every time I see one of those statistics maps about how terrible we are, there's this little country on the northwest border of Canada that's just as bad as we are.

One day Canada will conquer the world. Everybody will be sorry.

My neighbor is loud and obnoxious Now I know how Canada feels

How much of northern Canada is livable? *Nunavut*

Why are Canadians always over qualified for jobs in the US? Because zero degrees in Canada is the same as 32 in the States.

People should not move to Canada because of Trump They should go to Mexico, then at least there will be a wall between them and Trump.

One day Canada will rule the world And we'll all be sorry!

One of these days, Canada will take over the world Then you will all be sorry!

Why do Irishmen never move from Canada back to Ireland? Because they saw the advertisement "Drink Canada Dry," and they've been trying ever since.

If Canada launched a space shuttle, what would it be called? Apollo G

Eminem's "8 Mile" wasn't very well received in Canada I guess the title "12.8748 Kilometer" just isn't as catchy.

Canada already has a wall that keeps out the Mexicans... Its called the United States.

What borders on silly? México & Canada

How much of Canada has a person from Iqaluit seen? Nunavut.

My new neighbor is fat, obnoxious, and loud. Now I know how Canada feels.

One day Canada will rule the world Then everyone will be sorry!

Someone once told me Trump was the president of Canada also... I don't think that's Trudeau

This is actually a true story, when I was 17 I had a choice to study in Canada or the USA. I chose Canada because it was less expensive In retrospect I dodged a bullet, maybe multiple bullets

One day canada will conquer the world And then you'll all be sorry

Some day Canada will rule the world. Then you'll all be sorry.

What do Saudi Arabia and Canada have in common? It's legal to get stoned!

What's does America have that Canada doesn't? Nice neighbors.

What's the most popular board game in Canada Sorry.

Only a few weeks left before Election Day in the US and I am still undecided... ...if I should move to Canada or New Zealand.

My new neighbour is fat, obnoxious and loud... Now I know how Canada feels

What borders on stupidity? Mexico and Canada

The tragedy of Canada The tragedy of Canada is that they had the opportunity to have British culture, French cuisine, and American technology. Instead, they developed British cuisine, American culture, and French technology.

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New Canada Jokes

Sometime in the future, Canada will rule the earth. And then you’ll all be sorry.

I'm moving to Canada Where all the sorry people reside

What borders at stupidity? Canada and Mexico.


With kind regards from my math teacher

A German and an American walk through a forest in Canada Suddenly, the German shouts: “Bär! Bär!”

The American replies: yeah, I’m really thirsty too.

When I successfully invade Canada and they offer me lands in a peace treaty... I’ll take Nunavut.

Canada called. Now they want a wall too.

Timezones are so weird like, it’s june 1 in Australia, May 31 in Canada and still 1920 in America

You know what borders on stupidity? Canada and Mexico.

What borders on stupidity? Canada and Mexico.

(Stolen from a German friend on FB where it's apparently making the rounds...)

What does Canada have against America? Unfortunately, a southern border.

The other day, I told my friend that part of Canada is in the arctic circle “Really?” He said. “There’s no way!”

He was having Nunavut.

I told my friend that the current prime minister of Canada is Donald Trump It's not Tru, deau.

So Canada has declared that they aren’t sending athletes to the Olympics this year. Why start now?

I asked my Canadian friend what he thought was different between a Canadian and American education: The education is much better in Canada because everyone gets straight EHs.

Canada is testing a vaccine for the Coronavirus... I heard it’s made from lime.

If Canada conquers America, Will the colony called Ameri.Ca ?

Want to know how much of northern Canada is inhabitable? Nunavut

Soon Canada will take over the world Then you'll all be sorry

Canada is a lot cooler than the United States Especially during the winter

The President of Canada walks into a bar ... sorry, I shouldn't finish this joke. It's too politically incorrect.

I’m thinking of running as the Prime Minister of Canada Does anyone have any shoe polish I can borrow for Halloween?

I don't care what anybody says but everybody below the border are a bunch of violence loving drug addicted ungrateful idiots I live in Canada by the way

50% of Canada is full of The letter "eh"

Congratulations, you've won a free vacation across Canada! You have a choice between experiencing the vast Canadian Arctic, or everything else that Canada has to offer. You either see all of it, or Nunavut.

Regarding Hong Kong I don't think the US should send troops, nor should Canada send diplomats. I think Spain should send some clerics because nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

What’s the difference between Canada and Maine? In Canada Moosehead is a beer and in Maine it’s a misdemeanor.

People sometime ask me what brought my family to Canada I tell them my dad was just stationed here during the Vietnam war

How did Canada get it’s name? Their founders put a bunch of letters in a hat and pulled them out:

“C” ehe, “N” ehe, “D” ehe.

If Americans in Niagara Falls want to get to Canada for legal marijuana... They have to take the 420 Highway!

(It’s actually true. Look it up.)

They say the president of Canada does not like to dress up like a black person. But it's Trudeau.

I didn't want to believe the racist man in the brown face was the Prime Minister of Canada It's Trudeau!

50% of Canada is full of The letter A

My friend doesn't believe Canada has a Prime Minister Its Trudeau.

Canada could have the best of 3 nations it is influenced by: French cuisine, British culture and American technology! Instead, Canada got British cuisine, American culture and French technology.

An Irishman walks into a bar in Toronto and orders a drink. The bartender, noticing his accent, asks him "What brings you to Canada?"

The Irishman says "Well, I was in a pub in Dublin and my drink coaster said 'Drink Canada Dry', so I thought I'd give it a shot"

What’s the difference between USA and Canada In Canada you can get your shots at your school, in america you get shot at your school

What’s the difference between Canada and America? In Canada you gets your shots at school, in America you get shot at your school

In America ambulances go " Wee Woo Wee Woo" In Canada ambulances go " Wee Woo Wee Woo"
But in Japan ambulances go " Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U"

I just found out Canada isn't real... ... turns out it was all mapleleaf.

Toronto joke! In Western Canada we like to pick on Torontonians.

How many people from Toronto does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one. They think the world revolves around them.

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Long Canada Jokes

6 Moose

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They
managed to bag 6.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could
take only 4 moose.
The two lads objected strongly.
"Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the
same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load
and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy, Mick & the pilot
survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we
are?"
"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.

They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.

​

They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

​

The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

​

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

​

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only the two rednecks survived the

crash.

​

After climbing out of the wreckage, Billy Ray asked Billy Bob, "Any idea where we

are?"

​

Billy Bob replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well.

One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!"

The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions: LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "An acre and half, and a nice 3 bedroom house."

LAWYER: "No, I mean what is the foundation of the case?"

POLE: "It is made of concrete, bricks & mortar."

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

POLE: "No, we have a carport and don’t need a grudge."

LAWYER: "I mean, what are your relations like?"

POLE: "All my relations live in Poland."

LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

POLE: "Yes, we have hi-fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound."

LAWYER: "No, I mean does your wife beat you up?"

POLE: "No, I’m always up before her."

LAWYER: "Why do you want this divorce?"

POLE: "She going to kill me!"

LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"

POLE: "I got proof."

LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"

POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy bottle at drug store and I read label. It say Polish Remover."

Everything is bigger in Texas

A guy in Canada hears the saying' "Everything is bigger in Texas" and decides to drive down there and find out if it's true. He takes the first exit he finds after crossing the border and goes inside the nearest fast food restaurant. He orders a small French fries and small cola. The cashier hands him a 64 oz. bladder buster full of cola and an entire tray piled high with French fries. The Canadian says, "But I order a small fries and drink!" The cashier replies, "Everything is bigger in Texas." So the Canadian drives on down the road a little further until he is tired and finds a hotel. He decides to go visit the hotel bar and asks the bartender for a shot of whiskey. The bartender pours him a giant beer mug full of whiskey. The Canadian says, "But I only ordered a shot of whiskey!" The bartender replies, "Everything is bigger in Texas." So the Canadian dutifully begins drinking the mug of whiskey and consequently becoming extraordinarily drunk. Eventually nature calls and the Canadian sloppily asks the bartender, "Where doooooouh Iaaahh find the bafroom?" The bartender says, "Go through that door. Take a left and two rights and you'll be right there." However, the Canadian being impaired, takes a right and two left turns and wanders into the pool area where he accidentally falls into the water. He bursts to the surface yelling with panic, "Don't flush! don't flush!"

Canadian Blonde Joke.

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says " Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Canada and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

A man lives in a border town between the US and Canada

He lives on the Canadian side, but works in construction on the US side. Every morning, he walks over to the American side, and every evening, he comes back over to the Canadian side with a wheelbarrow full of sand. And, every day without fail, the Canadian Customs officers check him for any contraband he might try to smuggle in.

For 20 years, the man works nearly every day for the construction company, and every day customs checks the sand in the wheelbarrow, trying to find hidden goods. They sift through the sand, dig in around it, but find nothing. As the years go on, they try to be more clever. They x-ray the wheelbarrow, run tests on the sand, check inside the wheels and axles - whatever they can possibly think of. In desperation, they even strip search the man a few times and run cavity checks. Year after year, they find nothing.

Finally, 20 years later, the man is old and set to retire. On the day of his retirement, he once again pushes a wheelbarrow full of sand across the border. The customs officers stop him and ask point-blank, "Look, we know you've been smuggling something across the border all these years. You have to be. But we've searched through your sand every day for twenty years, and we've found absolutely nothing. It's killing us - please, we'll give you a free pass, wipe away any past crimes, if you just tell us what it is you've been smuggling all these years!"

The old man raised a confused eyebrow and said, "Really? I thought it was obvious, I've been smuggling wheelbarrows."

War - Canada vs. USA

Newfoundland, Canada, declares war on the U.S.A!!!

President Trump was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Trump, " a heavily accented voice said. "This is
Archie, up ‘ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh?
I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"


"Well Archie," Donald said, "This is indeed important news! How big is
your army?" "Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is
myself, me cousin Harold , me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Donald paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army
waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have at call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Trump, the war is still on!
We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment! We have two combines,
a bulldozer, and Harry 's farm tractor."

President Trump sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and
14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a
half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above," said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.. "President Trump, the
war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified
Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"

Donald was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must
tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jumpins, Lord tunderin! Two million, ye say!!" said Archie, l'll have at call youse back."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Trump! I am
sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Donald. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

“Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long
chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed
two million prisoners."

CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN!

When Canada was first founded, its leaders were having trouble coming up with a name.

Unable to come up with any ideas, they decided the best course of action would be to draw random letters out of a hat.

One man pulled out a letter, cleared his throat, and read,

"C, eh."

The letter was written down. The man pulled out another letter and read,

"N, eh."

This, too, was recorded. The man drew one more letter and read,

"D, eh."

It was time to name Canada

All the 4 founding hosiers were sitting around and no one could agree on a name. They finally decided to put a bunch of letters in a hat and 3 people would draw one out at a time while the last transcribed the name.

The first guy drew and read, "C, eh?"

The next drew, "N, eh?"

Finally the last maple head drew and said, "D, eh?"

A big earthquake hits the Middle East...

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the Middle East. Two million Muslims died and over a million were injured.
Iraq and Iran are totally ruined and the governments don’t know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. The USA is sending troops to help. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Latin American countries are sending Supplies. New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops. The Asian continents are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the Infrastructure. Canada is sending medical teams And supplies.

GREAT BRITAIN, not to be outdone, Is sending two million replacement Muslims.

You know how Canada got its name right?

It was 3 guys sitting around a table and the first guy goes, "what about a C, eh?" the second guy says "yea what about an N eh?" and the last guy says "what about a D eh?"


I don't know if this has been told here before but it's definitely my goto joke.

Undefined illness

Who said that health care in Canada was not up to par???

A Muslim immigrant in Toronto goes to the doctor and says "I feel terrible."

The doctor examines him and then says:

"You need to pee and put your bowel movements in a bucket for a week, then throw in a dead fish and some rotten cabbage.

Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapors for three days."

The Muslim does this and goes back to the doctor 3 days later and says "I feel wonderful! what was wrong with me?"

The doctor replied, "You were homesick."

Here is joke about Canada don't take it seriously

Credits to u/commonschemeforyou



***God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn***

He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world"

The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their neighbour is"

When Canada was first unified, they realized they needed a name for this new country, so they decided to draw letters oot of a basket to name it.

The first prime minister went up on stage and started pulling letters and announcing them to the crowd. "C, eh?"..."N, eh?"..."D, eh?"

Moose hunters never learn . . .

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.

They managed to bag 6.  As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn't possibly handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year!"

An 86 year old man goes in to his yearly checkup.

His doctor says, "You're looking good, how do you feel?"

The old man says, "I feel *great*. I have a 25 year old wife who's carrying my baby. What do you think about that?"

The doctor says, "That reminds me of another patient I have who's about your age. He an avid hunter and never misses a season. This past year he went hunting beavers in Canada but when he got to the woods he realized he had forgotten to pack his rifle. To make the best of things he got his lunch and walking stick and went for a hike. After a while he happened upon a beaver tending to his damn. Just to satisfy himself, he raised his walking stick to his cheek like it was his rifle, took aim and said, "Bang. Bang." Just then two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think about that?

The old man said, "Well logic would dictate that there was somebody else out there that plugged the beaver."

His doctor said, "*Exactly my point*."

President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

George paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!" Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?” George asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."

President Bush sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

Lard T'underin' bye", said Archie, I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "President Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"

George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jumpins," said Archie,” I’ll have ta call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Bush! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said George. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

Irish hunters

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They bagged six.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip, The pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. A few moments after, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?" "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."?

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.....

With some luck they managed to bag Six.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only Four moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six as well! The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours!?!"

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn't handle the extra load of the Moose and promptly went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied....... "I can't be sure, but I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

Boudreaux and the moose hunt

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bag six of them. As the two Cajuns start loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot says, "The plane can only take four of those."

The two Cajuns object strongly. "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours!"

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere.

A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Boudreaux asks Thibodeaux, "Any idea where we are?"

"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year," says Thibodeaux.

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